Ladies and gents, I give you my latest Tekken comedic endeavour. Hopefully it will help motivate me to continue my acclaimed "Tekken Committee", but...we shall see. Before you read this fic, be sure you read the disclaimer!!, for this is a fic that can and will offend!

My reasons for writing this is mainly because I am so sick and tired of the clichés found in Tekken fics. I shan't go into those clichés right now, and you'll likely catch onto them, in due time. Hopefully.

Beware of four-letter words!

THE BEST TEKKEN 4 FIC EVER!

By Shadow Ivy

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Tekken. Otherwise there'd be no Jin, Kazuya would not be turned into a one-dimensional baddie and have hooked up with Nina, Hwoarang would look more like a punker and smoke lots of pot, Nina would be a total badass dressed in black, Kuni would lose the mask, and people would remember that Julia does exist, and Paul would be hot.

Also, by reading this disclaimer, you forfeit the right to flame me upon reading this. This fic will most likely offend fans. I am writing this because I have become so pissed off with a majority (note I did not say all, people!) fics--especially the ones that are all "Jin is good, and Kazuya is bad bad bad!" Tekken 4 can kiss my ass for that. Oh, and fans of the JinxXiaoyu pairing--you may not like this fic either. Of course, you read this disclaimer, so you have the chance to either turn back, or suffer the consequences. ^_^

PROLOGUE: THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SET INTO MOTION!

The blue hoodie-clad youth that every fangirl and their mothers knew as Jin Kazama(whether they were fortunate to know or not) was training furiously in a dojo in some place called "Australia". It had been a long and tiring flight for him from Mexico since the incident nearly a year ago, but he got to Aussie-land, and now he had to unlearn that evil evil Mishima karate style. After the betrayal by Heihachi, he was now determined to defeat Heihachi.... and Kazuya; despite the fact he knew jackshit about him. But since Kazuya was a Mishima, he was being bad bad bad! and had to be stopped at all costs.

"I'll show those evil Mishimas! Then, I'll destroy myself so that the Mishima line will come to an end!" Jin declared. With that, he sent a heavy kick to the sandbag--

--and broke his foot.

"OWWWWIE!" he cried, clutching his foot as he hopped on the other. "Owwie owwie owwwieee! That really hurt!" Tears flowed down his face as if they were waterfalls, much like the ones seen in the animations from his native Japan. Suddenly, the door opened. Jin looked over his shoulder to see a tall young man, about sixteen years of age, step inside. He had short brown hair, though his bangs were long and in his face, though his crystal blue eyes were in plain sight. He wore a forest green button-down shirt and dress pants, accentuated by a blue trench coat. He carried a large metal briefcase in his right hand.

The tall brunette pointed at Jin. "Make Inu!" And he left.

"Uh...." Jin trailed.

___________________________

"Oh damnit!" Kazuya cursed as he tried to apply his red contact lenses to his eyes. "These are friggin' uncomfortable." He applied one lens into his left eye. He glanced at the other lens.

"Screw this. I'm wearing the one lens. JUST the one." Kazuya closed the lens case and tossed it over his shoulder. He glanced in the mirror.

"Hrm, not sure if this is a fashion statement I would want to go for." He glanced to his right, and reached out with his right arm, and grabbed a pair of sunglasses. He placed them onto his face.

"Oh yeah. Now I am stylish." He turned to exit the bathroom, but instead walked right into the doorjamb.

"Ow."

Kazuya walked over to the kitchen for his routine morning tea. He reached into the cabinet and pulled out a box of Celestial Seasonings brand green tea, and another box, containing...

Meow Mix.

"Kat-zumi, breakfast!" Kazuya called. He expected to hear the little bell of his cat's collar, but instead, there was nothing. He raised a brow, and decided to search around the house for his missing cat.

____________________________

Craig Marduk was not having a good day.

It was bad enough that he was caught up in a scandal, which he insisted that he had nothing to do with. After all, he was only trying to ask that woman for directions; how was he to know that she was a prostitute? To make matters worse, he wasn't allowed back into the Vale Tudo league. It was all he had, though!

He sat on a stool in the bar, drinking his virgin Shirley Temple. Things would certainly pick up, he was certain? Yeah, tomorrow would be a good day. So, he stood up, turned around--

--and tripped on his stool, causing him to fall.

Fortunately, something crashed his fall.

Unfortunately, it was someONE, and not someTHING.

Even more unfortunately, that someone appeared to be dead.

Craig looked down at who he had accidentally killed. The deceased was dressed in black slacks and a black button-down shirt. He wore a gray jaguar mask. What was noticeable was that one of the eyes was red and there was something of a scar mark about the red eye.

Of course, nobody in the bar seemed to notice all of this. So Craig, in a timid chant of "oh dear oh dear oh dear", dragged the body out of the bar. He turned the corner, and noticed a dumpster.

"Sorry Mr. Jaguar-mask person, but I don't have a shovel," he apologised in his timid voice. Suddenly, his eyes lit up. "I know! I'll BUY one!" He tossed the Jaguar-masked man into the dumpster. "I'll be back, just stay put!" And away he went.

A few moments later, a muscular man dressed in cowboy clothing and also wearing a jaguar masked turned the opposite corner. He suddenly took notice at the arm which hung out of the dumpster.

"Madre de dios!" King exclaimed in his native tongue, and ran to the dumpster. He reached inside, and was shocked at the sight that lay before him.

"¡Rey De la Armadura! ¡Quién ha hecho esto a usted?!" He cried.

"Uhhhh," Armour King moaned.

King desperately tried to fight back the tears. Armour King still in his arms, he looked up to the starlit sky.

"¡Juro en este día y en su sepulcro que tendré mi venganza para esto!"

"I'm not dead," Armour King wheezed.

"¡Rey De la Armadura! ¡Prometo que su muerte no estará en inútil!"

"Dammit, I'm not dead!" Armour King exclaimed again, but to no avail. King promptly tossed his former mentor into the dumpster and stomped off on his quest for vengeance.

Even if Armour King was not dead.

_______________________________

At a University, Julia looked up from her book on reforestation, removed her glasses, and proclaimed:

"I'M SIGNIFICANT!"

_______________________________

Bryan Fury was displeased with what he had seen.

"I am much too pale," he declared. "And this haircut, what WAS I thinking? I thought it looked good, but now...now I'm not so sure. And these scars and bulletholes...they're so Terminator!"

He did not particularly like what he had seen in the mirror. Was it only two years ago when he thought that he was perfect just the way he was?

Bryan turned his attention over to a tape player. The longer he stared at it, the angrier he became. He became so angry in fact, he curled his fists and smashed the tape player.

"Self-help tapes my ASS," he growled. He then proceeded to smash the coffee table when the following ad appeared on the television, which was conveniently on soley as a plot device:

"Tired of your appearance? Wishing you were someone else? Dr. Abel can make it happen! Just call 555-NEWU and leave the rest to him!"

And that's when Bryan found his purpose.

_________________________________

"Fuck you, Jerry!" Nina shouted at the television, well aware that it was not capable of talking back to her. She was watching her childhood favourite cartoon, Tom and Jerry. Of course, the poor gray cat was being mercilessly abused bvy the little brown rodent, and Nina clearly disapproved of this.

She grabbed the remote and turned off the television. "Now I remember why I hated that show. Cat abuse is fucking wrong. Anyone who abuses them ought to be kicked in the junk."

There was a knock on the door.

"Damn, that's probably Anna," Nina stated. "Now, where did I keep that bucket of rubber cement? Oh, the hell with it, I'll just pimp-slap her as I always do."

Nina took a deep breath, placed a hand on the knob and swung the door open, her hand in the air, ready to strike. However, she suddenly realised that the person that stood before her was a young man.

"Oh my!" Nina quickly lowered her arm. "I beg your pardon. I thought you were someone else. I don't get many visitors; if you're selling something to me, please be so kind as to step a little to your left..." Her right hand reached for a red button that was marked "THE PIT".

"I'm not here to sell anything," the young man assured with his British accent.

"Oh?" Nina's hand lowered itself away from the shiny red button.

"I'm here because...you're my mother."

*CLICK*

The trap door opened, but of course the Englishman hadn't stepped to the left, so he didn't fall into the pit. But let me assure you that had he fallen, it would have been a very long fall, and there would most likely be a messy "splat" at the end of it.

_______________________________

Xiaoyu was talking to Panda. There's probably more to this scene, but who really gives a rat's ass?

_______________________________

Paul groggily stepped out of bed; it had been a long night. He rubbed his eyes as he slowly made his way to the bathroom. Today was going to be another uneventful day.

He grabbed his mouthwash, took a swig, and rinsed as normal. He spit out the minty green liquid after thirty seconds, and then glanced into the mirror. His soft blue eyes widened.

"Oh my God," he stated. "Kurt Cobain's soul is trapped in my body!"

_______________________________

"Yoshimitsu-sama!" A ninja of the Manji Clan persuasion approached the clan leader.

"Tetsuoooooo!" Yoshimitsu exclaimed, adressing the ninja.

"Stop that! I bear terrible news!"

"Tetsuoooo! What is it?"

"I said stop that! Our funds have reached dangerous levels! We will need to get some money if we are to attend StealthCon 2003!"

"Yes," Yoshimitsu stated as he rested a thumb on the pad of his chin. "This is indeed a problem. I don't want that Solid Serpent or whoever he is to steal the show again like last year."

"So...do you have a plan?"

Yoshimitsu shrugged his shoulders. "We'll just bust into that Mishima place like we always do."

"I'll gather the others." As he turned to take care of the task, he muttered to himself: "Why do I bother asking him what the plan is...we always break into the Mishima Zaibatsu..."

_______________________________

Speaking of whom....

_______________________________

"Of course!" Heihachi realised. "The reason the experiments have failed is because I need that dangnabbed Devil-Gene! Once I have that gene in my posession..." He suddenly burst out laughing.

And that's about where Heihachi realised his purpose.

_______________________________

Marshall Law set down his bottle of cheap wine as Forest arrived home with a stack of papers.

"Did you deliver all the menus?"

"Daddy, I tried, but people kept slamming doors into my face!" Forest cried.

Marshall sneered. "Is that the best excuse you could come up with? The least you could have done was throw them in some dumpster somewhere, and then lie to me about it!"

"I did, but some guy in a jaguar mask threw them back at me!" Forest rubbed the back of his head. "He threw them too hard, and it hurt."

Marshall tried his best to stand up, but the cheap wine made him tipsy and a tad lacking in the balance department.

"If you hadn't snuck out to attend that damn Tekken thing, you wouldn't be forced to deliver my menus."

"But I was kidnapped by Paul," Forest stammered.

Marshall paid no attention to his son. "We shall go over the Mishima Zaibatsu and see if perhaps we can get the message out that 'Marshall China' is the best." Marshall tossed aside his beer bottle.

"I knew I should have run away," Forest declared.

_______________________________

Lei Wulong refused to leave his hiding place, which happend to be the underside of his bed.

Under no circumstances would he leave his spot. Unless...

Suddenly, his phone rang. Beads of cold sweat collected on Lei's brow.

should I answer that?

Lei's shaking left hand slowly reached for his phone. He pressed a button, slowly placed the receiver to his ear and whispered a hoarse "Hello?"

"Seven days."

"STOP CALLING MEEEEE!" Lei hung up the phone and threw it from beneath the bed.

______________________________

Hwoarang snickered. What a lucky coincidence that the Hong Kong supercop had recently seen "The Ring"!

______________________________

Of course, there's still Christie, Lee, and Kuma invovled in this plot as well...but since this is just a prologue, they can wait until the next chapter.

"I never get any respect," Christie declared in disappointment.

"Well, maybe if you didn't show off your chest so much, perhaps you'd be taken more seriously," Kuma noted.

"Yeah, but it's HOT over in Brazil; I have no choice!" She paused. "And since when did bears talk?"

"You're currently suffering from a heat stroke, I'm afraid. I'm a hallucination," Kuma stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Christie rested a hand on her curvacious hip. "Well, since you're here...wanna breakdance?"

_____________________________

And that was that. The players were cast in their roles, oh fuck that. We all know it's just a bunch of coincidences that will lead to one big mess. But it'll be a hell of a trip, eh? In the next episode, Kazuya goes on that fateful trip to the G-Corporation! You wouldn't want to miss that...and who knows when the tall man will show up again, eh? ^^

Oh, and uh, Lee worked on Combot, or was macking on that secretary of his. Or both. I dunno.

Notes: King will be speaking Spanish in this here ficcy. For added effect, and the thought that some of y'all will have no idea what he's saying is rather funny in itself. Of course, I used babel fish, so I doubt this is wholly accurate. ^^; Also, if you can guess who the tall man is, bonus points for you. Also, "Make Inu" means "Pathetic dog". Ha. Remember, if you read my disclaimer and are offended, you can't flame me! So nyah!