THE BEST TEKKEN 4 FIC EVER!

By Shadow Ivy

First off, I'd like to thank my readers for the wonderful praise for this endeavour. I hope you all won't be so offended by future episodes that you stop reading this entirely. But I do appreciate the praise and the demands for more episodes.can you believe I've been motivated to actually write this thing? It's quite interesting and even funny how motivation works. You see-

Kazuya: would you get on with it already?

Armour King: yes, get on with it! And I'm not dead!

Fine.*ahem* DISCLAIMER: Just warning y'all once again.this fic is capable of offending people (and now that it's laden with double-entendres and euphemisms.well!!), and by reading this warning/disclaimer, you still forfeit the right to flame me-hey, you did get yourself into this mess, right? So read at your own risk, fool! Oh, and there will be a cameo appearance by a certain Kazama you all know and love! So perhaps you'll stick around?

PART 1: THE G-CORPORATION INCIDENT (NOW WITH THOSE ANNOYING AUTHOR'S NOTES THAT APPEAR IN RANDOM PLACES DURING THE CHAPTER!!)

Kazuya's search for his missing cat lead him to Nebraska. Why Nebraska, you probably didn't ask?

CONVENIENT FLASHBACK SCENE BECAUSE THE WRITER WAS TOO LAZY TO INCLUDE THIS IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE

"My cat is missing!!" Kazuya exclaimed after searching the entirety of his house. With a sense of personal defeat, he slumped onto a couch. "It's official. My day is completely ruined."

At that moment, a brick was hurled through his window.

Kazuya ran to his window. "You son of a bitch! I spent all day yesterday cleaning these windows!" He shook his head, and eyed the brick. Kazuya glared at the brick for a few moments, then knelt down on one knee to gingerly pick it up. Attached to the brick was a white slip of paper with text written on it. Kazuya removed the note and it read:

I'm going to kill you.

"Oh my God! Someone's out to get me!"* Cried Kazuya as he waved the note around frantically. He took another look at the note. "Wait, this isn't even for me.the hell? Yoshimitsu. Huh. Wonder how that guy is doing?"

MEANWHILE (for some reason despite the fact that this is a flashback)

Yoshimitsu was trying on various outfits. Should he go with that spiffy hat (A/N: You know, the one from Tekken 2?)? Or the cyber ninja look? Maybe he should try that bug outfit that was collecting dust in that one corner of his closet, and let's not even start on which sword he should take.

Kazuya flipped the note over. There was a fresh new note beneath it. "Ah. Hooray for recycling?" He shrugged. The note read:

IF YOU WISH TO FIND YOUR ANSWERS, GO TO THIS ADDRESS-

Kazuya glanced at the address. His cat.was in Nebraska!!

(OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT.)

Kazuya stood in front of the building that the note lead him to. He glanced up and read the lit sign, "G-Corporation" (In which Kazuya stated: "I hope to God that the "G" isn't referring to something like "G-spot" or something.). He walked towards the building, but instead walked into a streetlamp.

"Dammit!" Kazuya rubbed his face for a moment, and then realized he was still wearing his sunglasses, and we all know that wearing sunglasses at night is a rather redundant idea.

Kazuya placed them into his pockets, and casually walked towards the building.

Kazuya glanced through several papers. "Not a single one of these explain where my cat is! All of it is just genetics, and-" He held up a single file. " 'Devil Gene'? What the hell is this shit?" He tossed the file over his shoulder as he continued rummaging. "I swear, people come up with the dumbest things."

After spending, oh, about an hour or so thumbing through files, Kazuya decided that Kat-zumi was not here that that this was a cruel prank.

"This must be some cruel prank," Kazuya declared.

I just wrote that.

"Did you now?" Kazuya reached into his shirt and pulled out a transcript of "THE BEST TEKKEN 4 FIC EVAR" and flipped a few pages. He spent a moment reading, and then a look of realization came upon his face.

He put the transcript away. "So it seems that you did." He cleared his throat, and folded his arms. "This has been a waste of my time. All I find is some garbage about the Devil Gene, and I don't think I need to explain how utterly stupid that is, as I'm not looking to make a cheap shot this time."

Kazuya then punched a random wall, and was headed for the elevator when there was a sound of an explosion, followed by sounds of machinegun fire.

Kazuya sighed, rolling his eyes. "You mean I'm NOT alone?"

A man in a trench coat showed up. "No, for you see, we are not alone in this universe. The truth is out there-"

Kazuya shoved the man aside. "Yeah okay, stuff it." He listened for the sounds. The machine gun fire was still continuing. He cracked his knuckles.

"Ow!" He shook his hands. "Damn arthritis," he muttered as he reached into his pocket, pulled out his sunglasses, and headed for a flight of stairs.

Ling Xiaoyu was in the computer lab, checking up on her e-mail. It had been a long day at school, dealing with math teachers and Miharu's teasing of Xiaoyu's not so secret crush on Jin Kazama; it was nice to just sit down and have a little free time.

Her e-mail stated that she had a new message.

"A new message?" Xiaoyu apparently didn't expect it, so she decided to have a look see. Deep down inside, she had hoped that maybe, MAYBE the message was from Jin.

She went to her inbox. There was indeed a new message, in which the subject title read:

CANDY WANTS TO BE NAUGHTY WITH YOU

Delete.

(What, you were expecting a penis enlargement joke? Very well then:)

There was a new message. Xiaoyu went to her inbox, and found the following subject title:

ENLARGE YOUR PENIS FOR CHEAP!

Delete.

(For fans of penis enlargement jokes, THERE.)

Xiaoyu sighed. Same old school, same old friends, same old training, same old spam mail, day in and day out.

She was about to call it a day and leave when she received another email. She rushed to the computer, and clicked on the inbox.

BAD CREDIT? WE CAN HELP!

Delete.

Xiaoyu grabbed her book bag and was nearly out of the door when the new mail chime rung. Once again, she rushed to the computer, and clicked on the inbox.

FREE MOVIE TICKETS

Delete.

Xiaoyu was once again headed for the door when once again the chime rung. Rush to computer, click on the inbox-

YOUR VISA APPROVAL CONFIRMATION

DELETE.

In Korea, Hwoarang was relaxing in his own way; listening to some Guns n Roses. He glanced at the computer; not a spam mail in sight. He smirked; having all his spam mail forwarded to some other fool's inbox was the best idea he ever had to date.

Kazuya peeked over a corner wall in the darkened building. Nobody was there. He let out a sigh of relief, but remembered that he shouldn't feel too relieved. The sounds of the gunfire was getting louder and louder (A/N Isn't it amazing that that machinegun fire has been going on since the last scene?).

"Somebody stop this crazy thing!" One of the Tekkenshu cried as his machine gun was spraying bullets all over the place. None of the other Tekkenshu could get close to him, nor did they want to at risk of being shot. Fortunately, the machine gun ran out of ammunition, and the rest of the Tekkenshu arose from their hiding places.

"I don't know why Johnson was allowed on this mission.he failed the machine gun test!"

"Aw, never mind it, Willy."

Willy sneered and approached one of the other Tekkenshu, who was sitting at a computer terminal (A/N: never mind that it was apparently spared from the uncontrollable gunfire. Hooray for convenient plot devices!). "Found anything, Dick?"

A Tekkenshu wearing crimson armour nodded. "I certainly have. The things we came here for are on the next floor."

"Great. All right, let's move out!" The Tekkenshu grabbed their guns (well, except for poor Johnson) and rushed towards the stairwell. Once they arrived at the location, they immediately began to ransack the place; emptying out file cabinets onto the floor, throwing floppy disks all over the place, knocking over pencil holders and spilling pencils all over the place-

"HOLD IT!!" Johnson exclaimed. "What are you all doing?!"

One of the Tekkenshu waved a little card. "We're leaving evidence that we were here!"

"Idiot, that's not what we came here to do this time! We're here to seek out the items that Mishima-sama needed!

"We know, but we were trained in ransacking as well as machine gun use, sir."

Johnson shrugged his shoulders. "Whichever works, I suppose. So long as we find those items."

"I just happened to get the exact location!" Willy exclaimed.

"So where are they?" Johnson demanded.

Willy pointed at a door that stood a few steps in front of them. Johnson nodded at Willy, then gestured at the Tekkenshu to follow his lead. They slowly approached the door, and Johnson was attempting to ever-so- cautiously open it when-

WHAM!

The door slammed open, knocking down a majority of the Tekkenshu. The Tekkenshu were quite puzzled at this and were even accusing poor Johnson of having missed out on proper door-opening classes, until they all looked up and saw the real reason.

Kazuya Mishima stood in front of them. His sunglasses-adorned eyes faced his right, even though the Tekkenshu were right in front of him.

"How dare you break the silence with your loud guns and obnoxious grenades? Kazuya exclaimed as he pointed at a computer. "I bet you kidnapped my cat! Well, now you're going to face the full extent of my anger!" He dashed towards the terminal and furiously punched at the poor machine.

The Tekkenshu simply stood there dumbfounded.

"Uh.who is this guy?" Dick asked.

"Mishima-sama's son, Kazuya. I have been told that he's not quite right in the head," Willy explained.

Johnson scratched his head (A/N: excuse me, helmet). "Why is he like that?"

Willy shrugged his shoulders. "Apparently when he was young, he fell off of the edge of a cliff and bumped his head."

"A cliff you say? But wouldn't that have killed him?" Dick pondered.

"It wasn't a very big one. It was more like a steep hill."

"So how did he fall?" Johnson inquired.

"The hell if I know. Anyway, Mishima-sama told us he'd be here too. BUT, since he's preoccupied beating the poor terminal up, let's just get the items in that room and get out of here before Mishima-sama's crazy son here finishes beating that terminal up and realizing he was attacking the wrong target." The rest of the Tekkenshu nodded in agreement.

Johnson winced. "Glad that's not us." The rest of the Tekkenshu nodded in agreement, and then followed Johnson's lead into the next room.

Inside the room there were containers, lockers, and more computer terminals. The Tekkenshu spread out, searching every inch of the room in hopes of finding what they were assigned to find. Ah yes, and ransacking the place, naturally.

"I found them!" exclaimed a Tekkenshu. The rest of the squad crowded around him.

Johnson moved to the front of the crowd, and inspected the container. He gave a nod. "These are what we came for, alright. Okay, let's get these out of here before-"

A smashed computer was thrown at the head of the Tekkenshu that made the discovery. The rest of the Tekkenshu looked over to see that Kazuya, sans sunglasses, stood before them.

"You know, you guys could have told me that I left my sunglasses on," he snarled. "For allowing me to make an ass of myself, you will all feel the full force of my wrath!"

The Tekkenshu all readied their weapons as Kazuya dashed towards them, and-

THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN DEEMED TOO VIOLENT FOR OUR MORE SENSITIVE READERS. INSTEAD HERE IS A SCENE OF PLEASANTNESS WITH FLOWERS, BECAUSE FLOWERS ARE PEACEFUL, RELAXING AND PLEASANT.

Jun Kazama walked through a field of gorgeous flowers. There were several varieties that lay in what appeared to be columns upon columns of flowers.roses, daisies, pansies, morning glories, sunflowers, buttercups, tulips, daffodils, and violets-

Violet looked up from his from his Combot project. "Me?" He pointed to himself.

No not you, stupid. Get back to work on your crappy robot!

Violet's face fell.

Anyway, Jun walked through these aisles of wall-to-wall flowers. She smiled and slowly bent over to take a sniff of the sunflowers. Odd, she thought, there was no scent. She tried to take a whiff of the roses. No scent there, either. She then attempted to sniff every flower that was around her, and the more she attempted to sniff them the more frustrated and perplexed she became over why she wasn't able to smell their sweet nature-given scent.

"Why don't these flowers have a scent?!" Jun demanded.

"Because they're artificial, ma'am. Now, are you going to buy something, or are you going to just sniff plastic and cloth all day long?" An employee asked.

Jun looked around at her surroundings. She wasn't in a field of scent-free flowers; she was at a Home and Garden store.

"Well, fuck," she declared.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULAR READING PROGRAM.

The Tekkenshu were strewn throughout the room, which had been trashed during the fight: there were holes in walls (a few of which had Tekkenshu stuck in them), terminals were smashed (A/N: well, the ones that weren't already smashed from the ransacking), and there were dents in the lockers, slash marks on the containers, and empty bullet shells and broken glass on the floor. One Tekkenshu remained conscious, and he currently was at the mercy of Kazuya-and a .45 Magnum handgun that he grabbed at some point during the fight scene you didn't get to read (A/N; Yes, I am rubbing it in. NEENER!).

"Talk!" Kazuya demanded. "Why did you guys let me make an ass of myself?"

"Don't you want to know what we're doing here?" Johnson asked?

"Are you asking to be pistol-whipped? Just answer my question!"

"F-fine.we figured that since you were so busy beating the computers to a smashed pulp, we could enter here, get what Mishima-sama was seeking, and then leave before you were finished."

Kazuya raised a brow upon hearing his last name. " 'Mishima'.as in Heihachi Mishima?"

"The Heihachi Mishima in Osaka, the Heihachi Mishima in Akihabara, or the Heihachi Mishima of the Mishima Financial Empire?" Johnson asked.

Kazuya spent a moment thinking which one he was referring to as he rested his thumb on his chin (A/N His gun was still pointed at the Tekkenshu, by the way.). "I think it's the Heihachi Mishima of the Mishima Financial Empire?"

Johnson nodded. "Then that's the one."

Kazuya then continued with his angry demeanor. "So talk! What is Heihachi after?"

The Tekkenshu pointed at the one container that wasn't dented, blown up, slashed to pieces, etc. Kazuya raised a brow and slowly approached the container. His weapon still fixed upon the lone Tekkenshu. He slowly reached inside the container and pulled out an object.it had a strange, almost silky texture to it.

Kazuya turned to face Johnson. "Just what is this I am holding anyway?"

"The items we were assigned to retrieve for this mission: G-string underwear."

Kazuya's jaw fell open with a mixture of shock, disgust, and horror. "G-G-G- STRINGS?!"

"Of course. This is the G-Corporation, America's leading maker of G- strings."

Kazuya began to go spastic. "Th-then what was all that crap I found about the Devil Gene?!"

Johnson shrugged. "A failed attempt at a plot device is my guess."

Kazuya took a moment to ponder this, and then nodded. "Well, your guess is probably the best one, and surely as good as mine." He glanced at the G- String, and threw it aside when he realized that he was still holding it. "So dad wanted some G-strings.please, please PLEASE tell me he's going to use it for a donation for the Skimpy Man-Slut Foundation or for something of the like."

"Oh no, they're for his own personal use," Johnson told him flatly.

Kazuya's shoulders fell as a long silence filled the room. A quick breeze (A/N: Don't ask me where it came from) blew past Kazuya. "Ahh, I think I just felt my last shot of ever being normal fly right out the window." (A/N: Ah, that explains that, then.) Kazuya was about to turn to walk away, when he realized something. "Hey, wait a minute.I thought dad was looking for this "Devil Gene" garbage."

"Uh, are you sure?"

Kazuya pulled out a script for "THE BEST TEKKEN 4 FIC EVAR: PROLOGUE". He flipped open the book and skimmed through several lines, his face lighting up (A/N: Metaphorically speaking) when he found the passage he was looking for. He handed Johnson the script.

Johnson read the short Heihachi tidbit. "Oh hey, you're right." He handed the script back to Kazuya. "Well, Mishima-sama is.how shall I put this in a way that I won't get into trouble.?"

"Senile?" Kazuya filled in.

"Sure, we'll go with that. He DID name his pet bear "Bear" after all."

"And let's not forget that in Tekken, there IS no consistency!" Kazuya stated.

DISCLAIMER: KAZUYA'S OPINIONS DO NOT REFLECT THOSE OF NAMCO. HE WILL MOST LIKELY BE KILLED OFF FOR TEKKEN 5 FOR MAKING SUCH AN OUTRAGEOUS STATEMENT.

"Yeah okay, we'll see about that, Namco," Kazuya muttered through clenched teeth, lowered the gun, and turned to walk away. He stopped for a moment, and then turned to face Johnson. "By the way, you haven't seen my cat, have you?"

Johnson shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. "I haven't seen any cats around here."

"Oh. Okay then." Kazuya turned around and headed for the door.

"By the way, your contact lens is missing."

"My what?" Kazuya looked for a reflective surface, and when he found one he quickly examined his eyes in the mirror. "AW, Son of a BITCH!" He ran up to Johnson and punched him right in the head, knocking him out. "These things are expensive to replace!!"

Kazuya left the G-Corporation, his mission a failure. "So why did that note tell me to go here? In the middle of." He shuddered. "America? Why couldn't I go to Mexico or even Canada or even.urk.France or something?"

A man suddenly appeared as if nowhere.

"You fool!" the man exclaimed. "The Devil Gene is the reason you were brought here! You were supposed to realize that you need to empower your Devil Gene by finding your son Jin Kazama and taking his, thus uniting yourself with your devil self and becoming more powerful!!"

Kazuya was silent for a few moments. He crossed his arms, his right hand pointing at the man. "And they, uh, pay you a lot of money to come up with this?"

The man nodded. "My children can attend good schools thanks to this script."

Kazuya shook his head. "No, NO; I won't make a cheap shot based on that." As he was suddenly reconsidering that statement, King stormed by Kazuya.

"This MARDUK person shall pay for your murder, Armour King!"

Not understanding Spanish, Kazuya looked on in puzzlement. Following the masked wrestler was another masked wrestler that appeared to be like King, except he wore armour, and was continuously raving about how he wasn't dead. There were various pieces of garbage stuck onto his armour, including a script for "TEKKEN 4 STORLYINE: GOOD VERSION" stuck onto one of the spikes on his shoulder pads.

"Oh well, there's your cheap shot for this episode, ladies and gentlemen," Kazuya declared as he casually shrugged his shoulders. "Have a good night everybody!"

What will happen next? Will Kazuya seek out this Devil Gene? Is that British guy (if you didn't know that was Steve Fox, then who did you think he was? DEAN EARWICKER, perhaps? I wish) really Nina Williams' kid? Will Xiaoyu and Jin Kazama get together? Will Lei Wulong ever get out from under the bed? What is up with Heihachi's love for G-strings? Will Jin Kazama get a deserved beating? Who is the tall man? Is Paul Phoenix better suited for a music career? Will Law's restaurant, Marshall China, get the recognition they deserve, and do they deliver? I hear they make really good pepper steak, despite the fact that one whiner said it was too damn spicy. I really like pepper steak. It's quite tasty, though I prefer it with white rice rather than fried rice-

Kazuya: Get on with it!

Nina: Yes, get on with it!

Julia: Get on with it already!

Paul (as he practices on a guitar): Just get on with it, for chrissakes!

Marshall: THANK YOU, I'm glad someone wants to try the pepper steak; it's not-

Mrs. Law: Just get on with it!!

-All this, and more will be revealed in Part 2: The (uh) Plot Attempts to go Somewhere (Now WITHOUT those annoying author's notes found in random places throughout the episode!) (A/N: But I like doing those!).

*Bonus points if you figured out what the note scene was referring to. Inside jokes rule!