The Chapter 3
Disclaimer: I like cheese. OK, I disclaim everything. I don't own: Nintendo, any of the characters in SSBM, the Bill of Rights, Nike, the Loser's Hall of Shame, or those three evil little words: TO BE CONTINUED!
A/N: yes, I have done the unspeakable and broken this chapter into a two- parter. I don't know what came over me, but here it is. Right after I posted Chapter 2, I wondered what the heck I could do for this one. That night, I had a dream that Link kept raising his eyebrow and Mr. Game and Watch was trying to eat me. Hence, this chapter. What kind of a word is hence? Anyhow... just read it.
What if... the Smashers had.. a news show?
The camera flickered on, and the music began. A voice rang across the room, "Welcome.. to Super Smashers' News Melee Thingy!"
Link raised an eyebrow at this... disturbing... introduction before he began. "My name is Link, and this is my partner in crime, Princess Peach Toadstool. We have lots of news tonight, don't we, Peach?"
"Yes," agreed Peach. "As always, lots of breaking news. But first, we have the sports news! Today, Yoshi broke the record in the home run challenge using his world-famous flutter kick. And DK survived a vicious 15 minutes with some various wireframes. Now we go to Fox McCloud, in an exclusive interview with this powerful ape!"
"Thank you, Peach," said Fox. He turned to DK. "Well, now you're on TV. Do you have anything to say about your victory against those hundreds of wireframes? Anything to encourage younger athletes?"
DK paused, in deep thought.
"...I..."
"...would..."
"...like..."
"...BANANA!" he finished.
Silence.
Fox shrugged. "I... guess you heard it here first. Back to you, Peach."
"Thank you, Fox. On a different note, Falco Lombardi was nominated today to be in the "Loser's Hall of Shame. As our current 'Master of Disaster,' he has been KO'd 749 times. We congratulate him on his nomination and hope he wins."
"Yes we do," agreed Link. "And now, BREAKING NEWS! A SUSPECT KIDNAPPER HAS BEEN ARRESTED! As you probably know, most of the shorter Smashers have disappeared! My younger incarnation, the Ice Climbers, Ness, Pichu, Pikachu, and Jigglypuff went missing, one a day over the past week. Very mysterious... but our very own Samus Aran, reporter/interrogator/detective extraordinaire has managed to score an exclusive interview with this suspect, a Mr. Game and Watch. Over to you, Samus."
"Thank you, Link. I am standing beside this large pot, which was apparently used to cook the victims. We seem to be facing not only a criminal mastermind, but a cannibal." Samus turned to the police car behind her. "This is where the suspect is currently being held. Although he will soon be taken to the police office downtown, I've been given permission to begin his questioning." Samus climbed into the car then turned to the camera. "Let's get started, shall we?" She turned to Mr. G&W. "Name?"
"Game and Watch."
"Place of birth?"
"Flat Zone."
"Favorite color?"
"Are you really a detective?"
"No. And I ask the questions. Did you eat all those people?"
"No."
"Did you kidnap them?"
"I plead the Fifth."
"This is SSBM. There is no Fifth."
"That sucks. Well, yeah, I kidnapped them."
"Why?"
"Because he would've eaten me too!"
"Aha!," cried Samus, turning back to the camera, "Someone else is involved!" She turned back to Mr. G&W, but he appeared unconscious. Then she saw the flower sticking out of his head. "A victim of Lip's Stick.. the killer has returned... we are-"
The camera fell to the ground as Pete the camera guy was eaten. It lay sideways on the pavement, still recording. Samus final screams were heard as she reached for the camera. She turned it to her attacker to perhaps reveal the true criminal mastermind, but it was too late. She was swallowed whole; the last thing she saw was a flash of... pink?
Kirby walked around the camera to see if it was good. He looked straight into the lens, cried, "Hi!" and swallowed it whole.
And nothing more.
The screen flickered back to Link and Peach. Link had his head down on the desk, bawling. Peach tried to comfort him, but he refused to let go. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET HER NUMBER!" he wailed.
"Oh come on, Link, grow up," said Peach, smiling seductively. "You can have more than my number after the show is over..."
"AUGHHH!" Link cried, snapping up from the desk, mortified.
Peach smiled at the camera. "That always works. Now, for our next story... a prank caller has been plaguing us Smashers for quite a while now. We have had many complaints of-"
"Excuse me, Miss Toadstool," interrupted Mewtwo, the guy at the TV station who gets paid to answer the phone, "but there's an urgent call for Link. After he takes it, just resume news as usual."
"Just patch him through over the speaker," said Link.
"Um...OK..." said Mewtwo, but that may be a bad-"
"Just do it," said Link.
Mewtwo pushed a few buttons, and the sound filled the room.
"DIE LINK DIE DIE DIE LINK DIE DIE LINK DIE LINK DIE!" The speaker gasped for air before adding one more "Die, Link," and hanging up.
Silence.
Link raised an eyebrow as Peach slowly continued the story. "Cries of "Die, Link," are filling the jelly donut of Nintendoland."
Link raised his other eyebrow. "Nintendoland is a jelly donut?" he thought. "Donuts..." He began to move his mouth mindlessly and started drooling all over the table.
Mewtwo had barely any time to wonder what kind of moron wrote Peach's metaphors when the phone rang again. He answered, making 50 bucks.
"Hello?"
"DIE LINK DIE LINK DIE DIE LINK DIE!"
"Please hold," said Mewtwo. He covered the receiver with one hand/paw- thing and turned to Peach. "Same guy," he said.
"Um..." Peach turned to Link, who, at the moment, was gnawing on the desk. "Since Link can't take the call... I'll handle this. Patch him through."
Mewtwo had no sooner pushed the button than cries of "DIE, LINK" filled the room. Just as the mystery caller was about to hang up, Peach screamed "WAIT!" at the top of her lungs, even snapping Link out of his drunken stupor. (which had been attempted many times over the past year. Zelda, I hope you're taking notes.)
Everyone was silent, but the mystery caller didn't hang up.
"Okay," said Peach, "interview. What is your name?"
"Uh... if I tell you, will you not tell anyone else?"
Peach looked around the room, then out at the viewers. "Okay," she said, trying to keep a straight face.
"Uh... Ganondorf."
"Knew it..." muttered Link.
"Hey!" cried Ganondorf, "Is somebody else there?"
"Um... no!" said Peach, then leaned over and whispered "donut" in his ear. He immediately resumed drunken stupor-mode.
"Good," said Ganondorf.
"So," said Peach, "why do you want to kill Link?"
"Because," said Ganondorf, "only his sacrifice will STOP THE VOICES!"
Silence.
"Ohh-kaaayyyy..." said Peach. "Um... thank you. You can go now."
"Thanks. I like your dress, by the way," he said, before hanging up.
"Well," said Peach, "more news after the break. Stay tuned!"
A/N: *singing* ... um never mind. I have done the unspeakable and made this chapter a TO BE CONTINUED! The next chapter is the commercial break, then one more news story, la la la! Um... just review.
A/N 2: Sorry about the messed up upload. It never did that before...
Disclaimer: I like cheese. OK, I disclaim everything. I don't own: Nintendo, any of the characters in SSBM, the Bill of Rights, Nike, the Loser's Hall of Shame, or those three evil little words: TO BE CONTINUED!
A/N: yes, I have done the unspeakable and broken this chapter into a two- parter. I don't know what came over me, but here it is. Right after I posted Chapter 2, I wondered what the heck I could do for this one. That night, I had a dream that Link kept raising his eyebrow and Mr. Game and Watch was trying to eat me. Hence, this chapter. What kind of a word is hence? Anyhow... just read it.
What if... the Smashers had.. a news show?
The camera flickered on, and the music began. A voice rang across the room, "Welcome.. to Super Smashers' News Melee Thingy!"
Link raised an eyebrow at this... disturbing... introduction before he began. "My name is Link, and this is my partner in crime, Princess Peach Toadstool. We have lots of news tonight, don't we, Peach?"
"Yes," agreed Peach. "As always, lots of breaking news. But first, we have the sports news! Today, Yoshi broke the record in the home run challenge using his world-famous flutter kick. And DK survived a vicious 15 minutes with some various wireframes. Now we go to Fox McCloud, in an exclusive interview with this powerful ape!"
"Thank you, Peach," said Fox. He turned to DK. "Well, now you're on TV. Do you have anything to say about your victory against those hundreds of wireframes? Anything to encourage younger athletes?"
DK paused, in deep thought.
"...I..."
"...would..."
"...like..."
"...BANANA!" he finished.
Silence.
Fox shrugged. "I... guess you heard it here first. Back to you, Peach."
"Thank you, Fox. On a different note, Falco Lombardi was nominated today to be in the "Loser's Hall of Shame. As our current 'Master of Disaster,' he has been KO'd 749 times. We congratulate him on his nomination and hope he wins."
"Yes we do," agreed Link. "And now, BREAKING NEWS! A SUSPECT KIDNAPPER HAS BEEN ARRESTED! As you probably know, most of the shorter Smashers have disappeared! My younger incarnation, the Ice Climbers, Ness, Pichu, Pikachu, and Jigglypuff went missing, one a day over the past week. Very mysterious... but our very own Samus Aran, reporter/interrogator/detective extraordinaire has managed to score an exclusive interview with this suspect, a Mr. Game and Watch. Over to you, Samus."
"Thank you, Link. I am standing beside this large pot, which was apparently used to cook the victims. We seem to be facing not only a criminal mastermind, but a cannibal." Samus turned to the police car behind her. "This is where the suspect is currently being held. Although he will soon be taken to the police office downtown, I've been given permission to begin his questioning." Samus climbed into the car then turned to the camera. "Let's get started, shall we?" She turned to Mr. G&W. "Name?"
"Game and Watch."
"Place of birth?"
"Flat Zone."
"Favorite color?"
"Are you really a detective?"
"No. And I ask the questions. Did you eat all those people?"
"No."
"Did you kidnap them?"
"I plead the Fifth."
"This is SSBM. There is no Fifth."
"That sucks. Well, yeah, I kidnapped them."
"Why?"
"Because he would've eaten me too!"
"Aha!," cried Samus, turning back to the camera, "Someone else is involved!" She turned back to Mr. G&W, but he appeared unconscious. Then she saw the flower sticking out of his head. "A victim of Lip's Stick.. the killer has returned... we are-"
The camera fell to the ground as Pete the camera guy was eaten. It lay sideways on the pavement, still recording. Samus final screams were heard as she reached for the camera. She turned it to her attacker to perhaps reveal the true criminal mastermind, but it was too late. She was swallowed whole; the last thing she saw was a flash of... pink?
Kirby walked around the camera to see if it was good. He looked straight into the lens, cried, "Hi!" and swallowed it whole.
And nothing more.
The screen flickered back to Link and Peach. Link had his head down on the desk, bawling. Peach tried to comfort him, but he refused to let go. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET HER NUMBER!" he wailed.
"Oh come on, Link, grow up," said Peach, smiling seductively. "You can have more than my number after the show is over..."
"AUGHHH!" Link cried, snapping up from the desk, mortified.
Peach smiled at the camera. "That always works. Now, for our next story... a prank caller has been plaguing us Smashers for quite a while now. We have had many complaints of-"
"Excuse me, Miss Toadstool," interrupted Mewtwo, the guy at the TV station who gets paid to answer the phone, "but there's an urgent call for Link. After he takes it, just resume news as usual."
"Just patch him through over the speaker," said Link.
"Um...OK..." said Mewtwo, but that may be a bad-"
"Just do it," said Link.
Mewtwo pushed a few buttons, and the sound filled the room.
"DIE LINK DIE DIE DIE LINK DIE DIE LINK DIE LINK DIE!" The speaker gasped for air before adding one more "Die, Link," and hanging up.
Silence.
Link raised an eyebrow as Peach slowly continued the story. "Cries of "Die, Link," are filling the jelly donut of Nintendoland."
Link raised his other eyebrow. "Nintendoland is a jelly donut?" he thought. "Donuts..." He began to move his mouth mindlessly and started drooling all over the table.
Mewtwo had barely any time to wonder what kind of moron wrote Peach's metaphors when the phone rang again. He answered, making 50 bucks.
"Hello?"
"DIE LINK DIE LINK DIE DIE LINK DIE!"
"Please hold," said Mewtwo. He covered the receiver with one hand/paw- thing and turned to Peach. "Same guy," he said.
"Um..." Peach turned to Link, who, at the moment, was gnawing on the desk. "Since Link can't take the call... I'll handle this. Patch him through."
Mewtwo had no sooner pushed the button than cries of "DIE, LINK" filled the room. Just as the mystery caller was about to hang up, Peach screamed "WAIT!" at the top of her lungs, even snapping Link out of his drunken stupor. (which had been attempted many times over the past year. Zelda, I hope you're taking notes.)
Everyone was silent, but the mystery caller didn't hang up.
"Okay," said Peach, "interview. What is your name?"
"Uh... if I tell you, will you not tell anyone else?"
Peach looked around the room, then out at the viewers. "Okay," she said, trying to keep a straight face.
"Uh... Ganondorf."
"Knew it..." muttered Link.
"Hey!" cried Ganondorf, "Is somebody else there?"
"Um... no!" said Peach, then leaned over and whispered "donut" in his ear. He immediately resumed drunken stupor-mode.
"Good," said Ganondorf.
"So," said Peach, "why do you want to kill Link?"
"Because," said Ganondorf, "only his sacrifice will STOP THE VOICES!"
Silence.
"Ohh-kaaayyyy..." said Peach. "Um... thank you. You can go now."
"Thanks. I like your dress, by the way," he said, before hanging up.
"Well," said Peach, "more news after the break. Stay tuned!"
A/N: *singing* ... um never mind. I have done the unspeakable and made this chapter a TO BE CONTINUED! The next chapter is the commercial break, then one more news story, la la la! Um... just review.
A/N 2: Sorry about the messed up upload. It never did that before...
