Disclaimer: I don't feel like writing a disclaimer.  So there isn't going to be one.  Go right ahead and sue.

CHAPTER 6: In Which We Drop the "In Which" Titles and Just Call It "Gaps, Bluffs and Challenges"

Captain's Log, Supplemental: I have bluffed many people in my time.  Romulans.  Klingons.  The First Federation.  Yes, many people, many times.  Stared death in the face and talked my way out.  But this is the first time death ever stared back.  With teeth and steam, besides.

"Jim, this is crazy—Jim!" Kirk was ignoring McCoy, and McCoy knew it.  "Spock, do something!" he hissed.

"What do you recommend I do, Doctor?" Spock asked tersely.  Only a handful of people in the galaxy could have detected any emotion in the statement, but it was there.

"Convince Jim that he's nuts!"

"That is not an endeavor undertaken lightly."

"He's walking in front of a dragon!  You can't tell me that's logical!"

"Under the circumstances, it is entirely logical according to the world as viewed by James Kirk."

At the moment, the world as viewed by James Kirk was narrowing rather dramatically.  He tuned both of them out.  He'd tuned out Simmons' and Jones' panicked "we'regonnadiewe'regonnadiewe'regonnadie" some time ago.  The world was narrowing down to a lot of scales, teeth, and steam.  The trouble, of course, was how do you bluff a dragon?  Kirk had bluffed Romulans, he'd bluffed Klingons…he'd bluffed his way out of an awful lot of messes.  But how do you bluff a dragon?

He cleared his throat.  "You don't want to eat us," he announced.  Brilliant, Jim, just brilliant, he's sure to take your word for it, a snide corner of his mind said.  But on the other hand, it did seem to be slowing down…  "You see…we don't taste very good," he informed it.  "Pretty terrible in fact.  I doubt green blood would agree with your system."  Was it actually stopping?  It was still jetting steam though.  Maybe it always stopped before steaming its prey.  Maybe he'd better think of a better bluff.  Well…there was always the old standby.  He went on more confidently.  "Of course, what do I know, maybe you don't even eat people.  You're just doing your job, defending the Gap against all manner of intruders.  But trust me on this, you don't want to steam us.  You see, we're all carrying…corbomite.  I'm sure you've heard of it.  No?  Well, it's a dangerous substance, very dangerous.  Especially when exposed to heat or pressure.  It explodes.  Violently.  Could blow out half the Gap.  And us.  And you as well.  Now, I don't want to die.  My friends don't want to die.  And I'm sure you don't want to die.  So how about you just let us continue our business?  We're leaving as soon as we can anyway.  It would be mutually beneficial if you just went along with your business at the other end of the Gap."  And then he waited.

The Gap Dragon looked at him sideways for a long moment.  Kirk held his breath.  And then, it turned and walked away.

Kirk stared after it, vaguely aware that Spock, McCoy and Sandra had come out of the boulders to watch it leave as well.  Jones and Simmons were still busy huddling in terror.

"I think it believed me," Kirk commented.

"I need to sit down," Sandra decided, and did.

"Fascinating," was Spock's opinion.  In reference to the retreating Gap Dragon, not in reference to Sandra.

"Did you have the faintest idea what you were doing out there?" McCoy demanded.

Kirk grinned.  "Not a clue."

"Why do you do things like that?!"

Kirk shrugged.  "Because they work."

"And the day they stop working?"

Kirk assumed an expression of deep thought and concentration.  "Well," he said slowly and with the utmost gravity, "I'll probably die."

McCoy shook his head, but he was grinning too.  After all, they had just narrowly escaped being eaten by a dragon.

"Do you really have green blood?" Sandra asked abruptly.

Kirk blinked at her.  "What?"  Then he remembered.  That had been part of his rambling at the Gap Dragon.  "Oh.  Well, uh, not exactly.  I don't, that is, but…"

"He does not, but I do," Spock volunteered, solving Kirk's problem of explanation.

"Oh." Sandra took it without a great deal of surprise, just giving Spock a slightly puzzled look.  "You're not…quite human, are you?"

"Not quite," Spock agreed, ignoring McCoy's bemused expression.

Sandra nodded.  "I kinda thought you weren't.  The ears, you know."  She blushed a little.  "I didn't want to say anything, but, well…I've never seen ears quite like those."

"That is because I am a Vulcan.  From the planet Vulcan."

"Hmm.  Never heard of Demon V(U/L)can.  Must be a new one," Sandra mused.

"Must be," McCoy agreed, making a valiant effort at keeping a straight face.

"That settled, let's get out of here before the Gap Dragon comes back," Kirk said, in another attempt to run interference.  He had a feeling another word out of McCoy was going to set them both off again.  Really, it wasn't an easy job stopping your two best friends from killing each other.

Fortunately, the Gap Dragon kept away long enough for them to convince Jones and Simmons that no, they weren't going to die, and then for all of them to find a place to climb up.

*  *  *

The rest of the day passed uneventfully.  They made it out of the Gap Chasm without another sighting of the Gap Dragon, who apparently was willing to believe in the existence of corbomite.  They camped in a grove of blanket trees that evening, and interesting things started happening again about midmorning of the next day.

It was about midmorning of the next day that they came to another village.  Spock put his hood up and in Xanthian clothes the others blended in, and no strange looks went their way.

The interesting part was that this was Sandra's stopping point.  From here on, the Starfleet crew was on their own.

"It's only another hour that way," Sandra assured them, at the far end of the village.

"Do you think we'll survive that long?" McCoy asked dryly.

Sandra hesitated.  "Well…just stay on the path."

"We're doomed," Jones announced.

"We're not doomed," Kirk snapped, despite having been thinking something similar himself only seconds before."

"Just…stay on the path.  It's not far."

"Here's hoping," McCoy put in.

"Oh…there's a couple things you should know about the Good Magician," Sandra said by way of an afterthought.  "First off, he's always right.  Doesn't matter how obscure, he's always right."

"No one is right one hundred percent of the time," Spock commented.

"Not even you?" McCoy said innocently.

"The Good Magician is," Sandra said firmly.  "Second, you can't just walk into the Good Magician's castle.  He doesn't like casual questions, so anyone who comes has to pass three challenges to get in."

"Challenges?" Simmons said unhappily.

"No one dies from them," Sandra said quickly.  "I don't think so, anyway…well, you'll be fine.  Good luck."

"Thanks.  For everything," Kirk said, smiling winningly.

"Any time," Sandra said cheerfully.  "Keep in touch."

"Well, if we're lucky we won't be around to keep in touch.  If we're unlucky, we'll look you up," Kirk promised.

Sandra flashed them each a smile, and started back towards the village.  They started down the enchanted path, pausing when Sandra called back.

"Almost forgot!  The Good Magician charges.  One year's service per question."

No one said anything.  Just stayed after her.  She waved cheerfully, and disappeared into the village.

A crackle of shock was hanging around the landing party.

"I believe we may have a slight problem," Spock said.

"Slight?  We don't have a year," McCoy snapped.  "We don't even have a week."

"Maybe we could cut a deal with him," Kirk said, randomly casting around for an idea.

"Maybe we could try somewhere else," McCoy said.

"Where do you recommend?" Kirk countered.

McCoy shrugged.  "I don't know, but we sure can't stay here for a year."

"We'd be doomed," Jones said, Simmons nodding vehement agreement.

Kirk couldn't help but ask.  "What is it with you and doom?"

"This is a very dangerous place," Jones said firmly.  "I don't like it here."

"Nothing's happened to you," McCoy pointed out.  "I'm the one the tree tried to eat."

"And I'm the one who went over the cliff.  You've actually been remarkably lucky."

"That will change, and soon," Simmons said, with all the certainty of predestination.

Kirk realized that he was fighting a losing battle.  He abandoned it for more important matters.  "Anyway, we've got to figure out what to do about the Good Magician's service requirements."

"I have a thought," Spock said.

"Of course you do."  That was McCoy.  Spock ignored him.

"Our question is how we can return to the Enterprise, correct?"

"Right."  That was Kirk.  Jones and Simmons wouldn't dream of interjecting into the first officer's thought process, and McCoy would have been more likely to say something along the lines of "Well, duh."

"And the Enterprise will not remain in orbit for an entire year, correct?"

"Right."  Kirk again.

"That's the whole problem."  McCoy that time.

"Which puts us in an interesting position," Spock concluded.

"Which puts us in a mess," McCoy said bluntly.

"It seems obvious enough.  We cannot serve a year's service."

"Will you get to the point?" McCoy snapped.

"The matter is simple," Spock said calmly.  "If we remain here a year, the Enterprise will be gone, we will be unable to return, and therefore our answer will be valueless.  Therefore we should not have to pay.  Therefore, paying for the service negates the necessity for paying for the service.  The logic is circular, but inescapable.  The Good Magician will be forced to devise a different form of payment."

"I followed half of that, and I'll take your word on the rest," Kirk decided.  "Let's go ask the Good Magician."

*  *  *

They saw it as soon as they stepped out of the woods.  It was hard to miss.  Castles are generally hard to miss, especially ones with multiple towers and a wide moat.  The Good Magician's castle was no exception to this rule.  However, that's not what they saw as soon as they stepped out of the woods.  Or rather, it was, but they were also seeing something else that attracted far more attention.

Sitting directly in the middle of the path was a giant bunny.  White, with floppy ears.  And by giant, I do mean giant.  Ten feet tall, or so.

"Anyone care to explain why there's a giant bunny in the path?" Kirk asked rhetorically.

No one did.

"Think it's friendly?" McCoy asked dubiously.

"I hope so, because we've got to go around it."  With that, Kirk put actions to words and started towards the white rabbit. 

It watched him quite calmly for a moment.  Then, just as he started to edge past it, something changed.  Its jaw began to droop, its hind legs began to twitch, and it started foaming at the mouth.  Kirk backed up, and it's a good thing he did, because a second later it lunged at him.  And while a normal bunny is nothing to worry about, a ten foot tall one could inflict some damage.  Kirk retreated back down the path.

"I don't think it's friendly," Kirk announced.

It didn't follow, but it was watching them.  Sneaking past wasn't an option.

"Perhaps we should leave the path and circle around," Spock suggested.

"As a last resort.  I'd, ah, rather not leave the path though," Kirk said.  "There's a giant bunny on it, but who knows what's off it?"

"A valid point.  And it occurs to me that, as we are within view of the castle, this is probably our first challenge."

"Which means there's got to be some way past it," Kirk mused.  "But what?"

McCoy had been watching the bunny with a thoughtful expression.  "Oh.  I get it," he said abruptly.

"Enlighten us, please.  The rationale behind a giant, foaming bunny is beyond me," Kirk said, not without a trace of annoyance.

McCoy grinned.  "It's not a rabbit, Jim.  It's a rabid."

A pained expression crossed Kirk's face.  "Please tell me you did not just say that."

"I'm serious!  I recognize the symptoms."

"Knowing this place, you're probably right," Kirk admitted.  "So knowing that, what do we do about it?"

McCoy thought a second to make sure he had the phrasing right.  "Well, under different circumstances I would probably point out that I'm not a veterinarian, I'm a physician, but under these circumstances that would probably have disastrous consequences, so I'll restrain—"

"Do you have a point?"

"No, that's Spock," McCoy said cheerfully.  "But what I'm saying is, veterinarian aside, I just happen to have a cure for rabies in my medbag."

"That could have distinct possibilities," Kirk said thoughtfully.  "Only one question: why did you bring a cure for rabies on a landing mission that was supposed to be completely ordinary and uneventful?"

"Same reason I brought a neural paralyzer to a Vulcan wedding."

Kirk nodded.  "Good reason."

Jones frowned, puzzled.  "I don't get it."

"Slightly long story," Kirk answered, with no intention whatsoever of elaborating.  "Now, how are we going to get the cure into the rabid?"

The way they did it was fairly simple.  Spock and Kirk moved in from the right, drawing the rabid's attention their direction.  McCoy moved in from the left with his hypospray.  Jones and Simmons stayed on the path, out of the way, with no inclination to take on a foaming rabid.  The timing was very, very close, and it would have been very, very easy for the rabid to kill all of them (or at least bite them) but in the end their usual luck held.  Kirk and Spock distracted it long enough for McCoy to inject it with the cure, and then they all got out of the way.

For a moment, nothing happened.  Then, very suddenly, the rabid's nose twitched, it stopped foaming, and it started to shrink.  It shrunk down and down and down, until finally it was a normal sized white bunny rabbit.  It blinked at them, then hopped off into the woods.  They stared after it.

"The more I see of this place, the stranger it seems," Kirk commented.

They got as far as the drawbridge before they encountered the second challenge.  The challenge wasn't the moat.  The drawbridge was down, wide, and visible.  The only odd thing was the stone archway—almost a tunnel, two or three yards long—directly in front of the drawbridge.  As they obviously had to cross the drawbridge, they entered the archway.

Everyone got in without a problem.  Getting out was going to be something else.

Jones and Simmons were hanging at the back, naturally.  They entered together.  Just as they did, a metal gate with a grinning lion's head in the center sprang up in the far end of the arch, blocking the way to the drawbridge.

Kirk, at the front, pushed on the gate.  It was locked, and there was no room at the top to climb over.  "I don't like this," he muttered, turning.  He liked what he saw then even less.  An identical gate at the entrance to the arch.

They were effectively trapped.

"What is this thing?" Kirk asked rhetorically.

Rhetorically or not, an answer was given.  "I'm agateophobia."

Kirk turned a full circle looking for who spoke, and failed to see anyone.  The rest of the landing party looked around similarly, though Jones' and Simmons' looks were much more fearful.

"Who said that?" Kirk demanded.

"Me, naturally.  Over here."

"Captain," Spock said, and pointed.

The lion in the gate by the drawbridge was talking.  "I told you, I'm agateophobia."

"Agateophobia," Spock said thoughtfully.  Jones and Simmons looked nervous.

"What's an agateophobia?" Kirk asked.

"Me, of course.  I gate phobias.  Or people with phobias.  Or people with people with phobias."  Kirk got a little dizzy listening to that one.  The lion heads alternated sentences, and Kirk turned around trying to keep up with them.

"Do you get the felling this is all our fault?" Jones asked Simmons in a whisper.

Simmons gulped, and nodded.  "I was hoping it was just an irrational fear of mine."

Kirk was still trying to deal with the gate.  "You…gate phobias?"

"Essentially," said the one by the moat.  "That is my basic function," added the one by the woods.  "To put it simply," the one by the moat put in.

Kirk shook his head to clear it.  "Just…one of you talk!"

"Touch, aren't you?" commented the one by the moat.

Kirk didn't answer, as Spock took up the conversation then.  "You state that you are an agateophobia.  You obviously are not familiar with the true meaning of the word."

"I'm what?"  The gate did not seem overly pleased.

"Let me guess," McCoy said.  "You just happen to know what it means."

"Naturally, or else I would not have brought it up.  Agateophobia is the fear of insanity."

Kirk's eyes lit up.  "So you say that you are an agateophobia and that you gate phobias.  But an agateophobia is a phobia.  Therefore, your statement that your purpose is to gate phobias is incorrect.  Or, if it is correct and you intend to hold by it, you have to gate yourself.  And if you don't gate yourself, you've failed in your mission, and have to let the rest of us go."

The lion stared at him a moment.  "Have you done this before or something?"

"Once or twice."

"If I try to argue this, are you going to go on forever?"

"Probably."

The lion sighed.  "Oh all right, get out of here, it's not worth the trouble."  The gates swung open.

The landing party got out before the agateophobia could change its mind.  They crossed the drawbridge without difficulty, and entered the front courtyard.  There they found two men standing in guard positions, wearing the sort of uniform one would expect of World War I.

"Are you the next challenge?" Kirk asked.

They didn't answer the question.  They introduced themselves.

"I'm Dough."

"And I'm Boy."

"And I'm sick of word games," Kirk announced.  "I'm not playing them anymore."

In Xanth, on Earth, or just about any other place they'd been to, a good right hook will get you past most human-sized menaces.

This was no exception to the rule.

"Okay, let's go," Kirk said brightly.

"Do you really think that's how we were supposed to pass that one?" McCoy asked doubtfully.

"Probably not, but I don't really care.  Now let's go talk to the Good Magician."

Did I stop in the middle again?  I guess I did.  Bad me.  But at least I got them past the challenges first.  Next chapter: Good Magician Humfrey!

Wedge Antilles: Ah yes, the difficulties in finding books.  It isn't always easy.  I wish you good luck.

PearlGirl: Okay, let me try to explain this.  [thinks a moment]  The bridge ceased to exist because Spock said it couldn't exist within the bounds of logic.  He had reasoned out why it had to cease to exist, so it did.  If he'd reasoned out that it had to be visible, and bright pink, it would have been, if he had a logical explanation (I can't think of one either, it's just an example).  If he told someone they were being illogical, and reasoned out why, they'd have to change their mindset.  For example, if someone besides McCoy had told Spock that he was just being him, and Spock had reasoned out why that made no sense, whoever it was would have been forced to agree that it made no sense and take back the statement.  Or if someone took them prisoner, and Spock explained to them why it made no logical sense to hold them, whoever it was would have to agree and let them ago.  Did all that make sense?  More examples in the story as it progresses will probably help.

Taskemus: Giggle, I'm glad you're enjoying the talents.  And I always love getting a laugh out of my reviews!

Kiri: Actually, I think one pun is a little low…that's been remedied in this chapter, of course.  : )  And yes, there is no plot.

Alania: Yes, Simmons is a red-shirt.  He belongs to Whatshername.  You can read all about him in "The Real McCoy," which I strongly recommend as a very good story. : )

Silverfang (I'm just going to keep calling you Silverfang, it's easier, hope you don't mind): I feel terrible, but I don't really know anime…have lots of anime-fan friends, but I'm not up on it.  Write something I know about and I promise to read it though!

Is that everyone?  Yes, it is.  Okay, onward and upward.  New chapter soon, I hope!

Oh yeah, don't forget to review!