Disclaimer: Star Trek and Xanth aren't mine.  But if anyone has the copyright to either and wants to get rid of it, let me know…

Are you happy now, Wedge? : )

CHAPTER 7: Good Magician Humfrey

Captain's Log, Supplemental: Every place we come to seems to have their own mystical person, who is held in awe by the rest of the population.  Many are based solely on tricks and sleight of hand, a great many are computers, and the vast majority are not nearly as wonderful as the natives think.  As for Magician Humfrey, we had no idea what to expect from him when we entered the castle.

They strode confidently into the castle.  Well, to be strictly honest, Kirk was confident, Spock was probably confident though it's harder to tell, McCoy was reasonably confident though a little dubious, Jones and Simmons were nervous.  But however they did it, they entered the castle.

There were no further obstacles.  As Sandra had said, there were only three challenges.

No one was quite sure what to expect inside.  After what had happened outside, anything seemed possible.  Nothing terribly exciting happened though.  They'd gone in the first door they'd found in the courtyard, and ended up in a spacious hall with multiple doors in it.  None of them had a neon sign proclaiming "Good Magician This Way" and an arrow.  All were identical.

"Which door do we go through?" McCoy asked.

"We could pick one at random," Kirk said speculatively.

"What if there was something bad behind it?" Jones gulped.

"Well then," Kirk said straight-faced, "I guess we'd be doomed."

"Exactly," Jones said firmly, completely missing the humor.

They weren't doomed though.  And they didn't go through any doors at random.  Instead, a door at the end opened and someone came out.

Kirk suddenly grew more interested.  The someone was a girl, twenty or so, brown hair and pale eyes.  "Hello, you must be the latest people with a question," she said.

Naturally, Kirk was the one to answer.  "Yes.  I'm Captain Kirk.  These are my officers, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy.  Also Lt. Simmons and Ensign Jones," he added as an afterthought.

She nodded.  "I am Wira, the Good Magician's daughter-in-law."

"Daughter…in law.  Oh."  Kirk seemed faintly disappointed.  He rallied quickly.  "Well, you must know where we can find the Good Magician then."

"Yes, of course.  Follow me please."

Which they did, with pretty much the same attitudes they'd had before, except that Jones and Simmons had increased their nervousness.  Wira led them through several corridors and up a flight of stairs, finally stopping outside a door that didn't appear to be much different from any of the other doors they had passed.

"Wait here for a moment, please," she requested, "while I make sure the Good Magician will see you."

Kirk had an objection.  "Wait a minute, what do you mean, make sure?  We got past three challenges.  We were told that meant we could see the Good Magician."

Wira looked a little uncomfortable.  "Ordinarily that would be true, but you didn't quite pass the last challenge the way you were supposed to."

"I knew it," McCoy muttered.

"You see, you were supposed to divide the two men," Wira explained.  "Together they were doughboys: soldiers.  Separated, they become dough and a boy.  Either of which could be easily passed."

Kirk had a pained expression.  "He's big on puns, isn't it?"

"Much of Xanth is based on puns," Wira said seriously, then entered through the door.

"We need to get out of here, and soon," McCoy said.  "I don't know how many more rabids and doughboys I can take."

Kirk nodded an agreement.  Jones and Simmons were busy being nervous, and acknowledging that puns bothered him was too emotional for Spock.

"So what do you think the Good Magician is like?" Jones asked worriedly.

"Oh, a big glowing head maybe," McCoy said idly.

"Really?" Jones squeaked.

McCoy blinked.  "No, not really!  Didn't you ever watch The Wizard of Oz?"

Whether he ever did or not will have to remain a mystery of the ages, as Wira came back then.

"You can go in now," Wira told them.  "He decided to see you."

Kirk had to nudge Jones and Simmons, but they all went.  It wasn't anything like the Wizard of Oz.  Instead of an impressive hall, they were in a study.  A very cluttered study.  One with piles of papers everywhere, and stacks of books between the papers, and the occasional sock between the books.  Somewhere in the middle of it all was a little old man with large spectacles, sitting in front of a giant book.

Good Magician Humfrey peered at them through his glasses.  "What do you want?" he asked crossly.

Naturally Kirk was the one to answer.  "I'm Captain James T.—"

"Kirk, I know.  So what?"

Kirk blinked.  "Uh, we're from the—"

"Enterprise, I know.  What about it?"

Kirk frowned a little, and figured he might as well try it.  "We represent the—"

"Federation, I know."  The Good Magician scowled at him.  "Do you really go through this entire rigmarole every time you meet someone?"

Kirk was a little flabbergasted.  "How did you know my name?  And our ship, and—"

"I'm the Magician of Information.  I know everything.  That's the whole point.  Now are you asking your question or aren't you?"

"Oh.  Right.  Our question.  Well—"

Kirk got interrupted again.  But it actually wasn't the Good Magician.  It was Spock.

"You state that you know everything.  Therefore it is not logical that you should ask us for our question.  You must already know it."

Humfrey glared at him.  "Well of course I know it.  You want to get back to your silly ship.  But the general order of things is that you ask the question and then I answer."

"She's not silly!" Kirk objected.  "She's a starship!"

"Are you asking or aren't you?"

Kirk was still inclined to argue about the insult to the Enterprise.  Spock was still figuring out the logic of insisting on being asked a question one already knew.  Jones and Simmons wouldn't dream of stepping into the conversation.

McCoy figured somebody had to do something.  Even if it was illogical.  Or maybe because it was illogical.  So he asked.  "How do we get back to the Enterprise?"

"Find the aisle," the Good Magician answered.  Then returned to reading his book.

They waited.  He ignored them.  A minute passed.  He looked up.

"What?" he demanded.

McCoy blinked.  "That's all?"

"That's the answer?" Kirk said.

"I gave it, didn't I?  Yes, that's all."

"That's not an answer!" Kirk protested.  "It doesn't mean anything!"

"Of course it does," Humfrey said firmly.  "You just don't understand it, which is your problem, not mine.  See my second wife about your services."  He tried to ignore them again.  He didn't succeed.

"We cannot serve a year's service," Spock said.

"I know," Humfrey snapped, "That's taken care of."

"In addition," Spock said smoothly, "I fail to understand why you should use the plural 'services.'"

"Because there's five services.  Plural.  Services."

"We asked one question.  We should pay one service."

"There's five of you.  Five services."

Spock considered.  "That is not logical.  If one person asked one question the price would be one year's service.  If five people ask one question, the service should be divided as 73 days' service, or 1753 hours' service, because you have rendered no greater an assistance than if one person had asked.  In fact, only one person did physically ask, from a party of five.  Therefore, it logically follows that—"

The Good Magician glared at him, not looking terribly good.  "Now cut that out, it's not going to work!"

Spock blinked.  "What is not going to work?"

"Your logic nonsense.  It's not going to work.  I'm a Magician, my magic is more powerful.  And if I say five people have to pay five services, you have to pay five services."

"That is not logical," Spock said again.  If it had been anyone else one could have assumed it was said in desperation, in an attempt to cling to some sort of sense in the midst of a lot of nonsense.  But it was said by Spock, so it probably wasn't that.

"Better give it up, Spock," McCoy advised.  "He's immune too."

So there wasn't much else to be done.  What could they do but leave, find Wira, and try to figure out what on Earth (or in Xanth) he meant by his second wife.

"The Good Magician has five and a half wives," Wira explained, leading them through the castle again.

"Five…and a half?" McCoy echoed.

"That is not logical," Spock put in.

Wira didn't try to explain the half wife thing.  Mostly because the author doesn't entirely understand it either.  "You see, the Good Magician has been married five and a half times, over the course of his life.  The problem is, there's a law in Xanth that allows only one wife at a time, so they rotate in and out of Hell."

"They rotate in and out of Hell?" Kirk echoed.

"That is not logical either," Spock mentioned.

"Well, it all started when his third wife, Rose, went to Hell in a hand basket."

"How'd she manage that?" McCoy asked.

"It was a very large hand basket."

"No more explanations.  Please," Kirk requested.  "So we're going to see the Good Magician's second wife?"

Wira nodded.  "Maiden Taiwan.  She's probably in her workshop.  She makes lots of little trinkets and things, you can find them all over Xanth.  They're all stamped with her name."

"Maid-en Taiwan.  It never stops," McCoy muttered.

Maiden Taiwan was indeed in her workshop, and she already had their service ready.  After the usual introductions and pleasantries, which we can omit because they're boring, she handed Kirk five envelopes.  "Humfrey wants you to deliver these for your services," she told them.

Kirk looked at them doubtfully.  "He wants us to deliver his mail?"

"I'm a doctor, not a—"

"Don't say it!" Kirk said quickly.

McCoy blinked.  He considered.  "I'm a member of the medical profession.  I'm not a mail carrier."

"None of us are mail carriers," Kirk told Maiden Taiwan.  "Besides, we don't have time to travel all over Xanth.  We have to get back to our ship, quickly."

"He said you'd mention that.  Time is irrelevant.  Once you find the aisle, you'll get back to your ship."

"That's another thing.  Why are we paying for an answer that doesn't make sense?"

"Humfrey's answers never make sense when you first hear them," Maiden Taiwan assured them.

"In that case, he is not a reasonable person to depend upon for answers," Spock said.

"Of course he is!" Maiden Taiwan said indignantly.  "I said they don't make sense when you first hear them.  They make sense eventually."

The landing party didn't try to make sense of that.

"I think we ought to look for help somewhere else," McCoy volunteered.

"And not pay your service?"  Maiden Taiwan was clearly shocked by the very idea.

"Why pay for something if we don't use it?" McCoy asked.

"But it was given to you!"

"It didn't look like very hard work.  Three words, big deal."

"Everyone pays their service!"

"We're not everyone," McCoy countered.

"And no one else in Xanth will help you once they find out you didn't pay the Good Magician."

"Well, yes, that might be a problem," McCoy had to admit.

Kirk, Spock and McCoy looked at each other.  No one looked at Jones and Simmons, who simply weren't useful when it came to making decisions of any sort.

"I think we may be stuck," Kirk said, not entirely happily.

"People usually find the reason behind their answers while doing their service," Wira said helpfully.

"Well, let's hope so," Kirk said, and, resigned to the service, took his first good look at the envelopes.  "Wait a minute, only one of them has an address!"

"That's because they're to be delivered in order.  When it comes time to deliver the next one, the address will appear," Maiden Taiwan explained.

"Wonderful," Kirk muttered.  "Can't just number them."

"So where are we going first?" McCoy asked.

Kirk read out the first address.  "'King Dor, Castle Roogna.'"

Wedge: Yes, agateophobia is completely real.  I don't know the website name, but if you search phobia list on google it's the first one…way more phobias than you ever needed to know…

Kiri: So?  You're crazy too! : )

Alania: See above for Agateophobia.  And as for the red-shirts and doom…well, it just seemed natural.

PearlGirl: I don't mind explaining, really.  It helps me understand!

Whatshername: Yeah, you were late reviewing.  But I'm late posting this, so it's fair I suppose. ^_^

Beedrill: Spock's reasoning is fun to figure out…but hard.  I end up in circles…

Silverfang: Y'know, I don't know if my anime friends have usernames…I'll try to remember to ask when school starts again.

Unrealistic: I'm looking forward to seeing how Jones and Simmons use their talents too…when I figure that part out!

Emp: Congrats on your lack of number!  And I'm continuing, see?