Thirty Second Romances
Part Five: James/Lily
Notes: As JK Rowling intended it, James/Lily is a lovely pairing. However, the way most fanfics butcher their "romance" is quite...horrifying. So we're going to Marauder time, folks!
Other note: Someone asked me why the parts are so short. Well...they're called thirty second romances for a reason. :) I aim for each part to be between 600-1000 words. If you want longer, go read a real romance and not a spoof! LOL.
*****
Lily Evans was the most POPULAR girl in the school. This girl, for starters, was a BABE. Her lovely red curls dangled around her enormous, emerald-like green eyes, which lit up her gorgeous, perfect face. She was captain of the cheerleading squad (even though they didn't haveone at Hogwarts), and sweet, outgoing, and peppy. Every time people heard her voice, they cried tears of joy. For some inexplicable reason, she had no boyfriend. But every guy in the school, even Slytherins, badly wanted to date her!
Well, all except one.
James Potter was a certified STUD. He was a Quidditch star with *dashing* looks. Indeed, everyone described him as "even sexier than Harry Potter and Lucius Malfoy combined," even though Harry did not yet exist. He was also famous for his ASTOUNDING social skills and his brilliant prankster abilities. Yes, the Gryffindor guy had it all. He had no girlfriend, but almost every girl was madly in love with him!
ALMOST all, you see, because Lily and James HATED each other. They were both soooo popular and Gryffindors, but from the day they saw each other at age eleven, their reaction was inexplicable hate.
One day, the bored Marauders, minus quidditch-practicing James, decided to plan their next *brilliant* prank.
"I know!" said Wormtail, er Peter, one day to Sirius and Remus. "Let's randomly play a trick on our best buddy James!"
"Yeah," Sirius and Remus generically replied because they really HATED Peter and knew he would go bad.
"So guys, I have a good idea!"
"What," they replied, nodding their heads.
"Let's lock James up with Lily in a broom closet for a long period of time!" Peter said, laughing. "It'll be soooo funny and I know we all love torturing him!"
Sirius perked up. "Yeah! Sounds good!"
With that permission, Peter ran off instantaneously and magically found James on the Quidditch field, showing off his muscles to adoring female fans. Ignoring all the muscles James had, Peter astoundingly managed to drag James, accompanied by periodic cries of "What the fuck are you doing!?" to a random broom closet.
Somehow, Sirius and Remus dragged Lily from her Generic Popular Friends to the EXACT SAME broom closet!
"Hey!" Lily shrieked as the shoved her in at the same time as James.
"AHHHHHHH!" Came two loud cries from the broom closet.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Peter, Sirius, and Remus cried from outside the closet.
"We'll get you out tomorrow!" Peter cried, snickering.
Meanwhile, James glared at Lily. "Eww! I'm stuck with a girl!"
"Eww!" she responded. "Even though I'm 17, I believe in cooties!"
"Me too, and I hate you!" said James.
"No, I hate you more!" Lily cried.
"I hate you the most!" James replied.
"I HATE YOU!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"Well I bet you shit in your pants!" said Lily.
"I bet you put brooms up your ass!" said James.
"Fudge you!" cried Lily daintily, afraid to say the F word.
"Well, same to you!"
For the next several hours, the completely random, stupid insults continued on. Lily and James just couldn't STOP the YELLING!
Suddenly, late into the night, James said, "Stop!"
Instead of punching him, Lily did. "Err, what?"
James looked deeply into Lily's GREEN PICKLED eyes. "I suddenly realized that you are very beautiful and popular."
Lily stared back, suddenly returning the longing. "OH MY GAWD! Like sooo are you!"
"Let's make out!" cried James.
"Yeah!"
So they proceeded to randomly make out, even though they'd hated each other just a moment before.
"Oh James, I thought I'd hated you for seven years, but it was really misplaced love!" Lily said, hugging her sweeeet luv.
"Me too! Say, let's get married in a week even though we're only 17, and then let's have a son that looks like me with your GRANNY SMITH APPLE EYES!"
"Actually, let's make him now!" Lily said lustily. "We'll name the kid Harry!"
James roared, and the both went at it, until, 14 hours later, Sirius, Remus, and Peter opened the closet door.
"Finally!" Peter hooted. "I get to see Lily naked!"
"Yeah!" repeated Sirius and Remus.
"I'm glad you guys approve," said a naked James, who mistook the naked comment to be congratulations, "Because she's pregnant with a boy named Harry and we're getting married next week!"
"Actually sexy stud, let's do it now!" said a naked Lily.
"Okay!" Without bothering to put their clothes on, James and Lily ran to get married.
Peter came to a sudden realization. "Wait...they're getting married?"
"Uh-huh," said Sirius and Remus mindlessly.
"NOOOO! It was just a joke! I only wanted to have some fun! Lily was supposed to be mine! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, JAMES POTTER!"
Peter fainted, suddenly KNOWING the boy that would kill him was a'growin in Lily's tummy-tummy.
*****
End of part 5.
