A/N: I will start off this chapter by thanking all the people who took time to review my phic. Thank you so much!
Also, it seems that I've gone completely against my rule ("Always have a two chapter reserve before you let anyone read your story") and I am basically writing and posting my chapters on the same day so it may take awhile for the next. I think I only did that because I know how this story turns out and all I have to do is get it onto paper/computer.
Badly Drawn Girl2: Thanks for your lovely review – I can assure there will be more chapters yet to come.
Kates: Thank you for your lovely review too. I'm glad you like my Erik and Christine… I tried to make them as they seem to appear in my mind, while still granting Christine her brain… I hope you stay riveted over the next chapters.
maelinya: Thanks. Yes, I made her stronger in that chapter but I couldn't make her completely decisive… she'll be having some doubts I think… perhaps. Let me know which mask you think he should wear and I'll see if that can happen. I wonder how you knew it was Leroux's Erik? Anyway, this will probably go on for quite a few more chapters because it was a dream and I know how it ends…
Midasgirl: Thank you for being so kind about my little phic. I will have some more chapters from Erik's POV in a few days, I hope. And I'm really glad you like the plot development.
The Phantom Parisienne: You wrote me such a sweet review but I fear my story is far short of "perfect." Yes, there will definitely be more – remember, I have to write a chapter for every part of the song so this could go on for awhile. Thank you, again!
Lavendar: Thank you, and you're right about Christine but you'll find out soon enough…
Now, on with the story…
Chapter 3 – What is the price of salvation, these days?
"…'cause I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold…"
Christine
In all my life I have never met another person more indecisive than myself. Just when a decision seems clear-cut, I have to turn around and put more doubts into the equation. Why am I so incapable of making a decision and sticking to it?! I suppose I should really do something for Erik, for once… at the very least, I should tell him my choice as soon as possible, whatever it may be, surely it would cause him less pain to just know for certain.
As I leaned back in my chair, fatigued since I had not slept for a week, I saw Erik moving. He had had his back to me but he moved onto his other side so that he was facing me. And I saw his bare face again as he frowned in discomfort and kicked the covers down. The image sent so many doubts into my already confused mind… could I honestly live with his face? Well, he had… but it's not as easy to say that it shouldn't matter in any case for the sake of virtue – it is far harder to be truthful to oneself. What if the malformation extended beyond just his face?
Why must I be so damned shallow?! Why can't I see him for himself?! I don't deserve his love…
But he deserves mine…
Isn't it enough that if I give him my love I know I can save him from himself? Isn't it enough that I alone can make him truly happy? And when we're both gone from this world, when physical appearance doesn't count for anything, isn't it enough to know that he has the most beautiful soul ever made? That I can have the heart of this man with three little words…
But if I must ask myself these questions then am I just trying to avoid the answers I already know? Or is it that I really don't know the answers, at all? It feels like I don't know anything anymore… Life has become so hard that I cannot believe anybody could have it harder but I know Erik has. I know he truly needs love to survive because years of hatred and violence have taken their great toll… and have left him like a broken violin – playing harrowing notes to an unlistening world. I know now that the world was never meant to see such a genius as his, nor hear such pain through an angel's voice. No, this world did not deserve such a heart filled with love to reside on it – his heart was meant only for the heavens and his music only for God's ears… I suppose it is because of his immense talent that he has been cursed with such a hideous appearance because if he were handsome then wouldn't he be too angelic for this world to bear?
Again, I saw him struggle with the heavy bedclothes in front of me and I knew for certain that I had to give him what he had been deprived of all his life… whatever the cost for me, it would not be as bad as being damned for hurting his soul beyond repair, and it would not be as terrible as living a life without knowing true love. I got up and fixed him in a more comfortable position on the bed and sat beside him. I hoped that I really did have the strength inside of me to let his wings unfold. May God punish me if I don't…
But what if he doesn't believe me…? What if he thinks I am mocking him…? After all, this poor man had never heard anyone tell him that they loved him, that they cared or even that they didn't find him as an abomination – so could he really believe one who shied away from his touch and cried at first sight of his face…? I told him I was sorry about that so many times but I knew by the way he nodded too curtly that he was finding it hard to believe a word I was saying – now that I think of it, he might have thought I was only telling him what he wanted to hear so that he wouldn't hurt me because he even went to lengths to show me that I was in no danger. He wouldn't even look me in the eye for a month without apologising for making me feel uncomfortable… Poor Erik…
Christine, can you hear yourself, right now? Do you know how utterly childish you are being? This not the time to think of yourself, the only one to be concerned about is Erik. If he doesn't believe you… make him believe you. Try whatever it takes to let him find happiness and forget about your selfish self!
As I silently reprimanded myself for being so immature, I heard him repeating the same words as before. He had repeated them so often that I had taken to calling them his adage. "Which angel should I follow…? Lead me, Christine… it's down to you…" he croaked in a strangely imperfect tone that had probably never before echoed from his more-than-perfect vocal chords – I can imagine that even his wailing as a baby must have been beyond melodic!
Right… now is the time to tell him… "Erik, follow me, you must fight this… do it for me!" I said as I tried to shake him properly awake but he seemed to already be lost to me… perhaps his time had come…
He shook his head slowly with his eyes still gently shut and sighed in the most heart-breaking manner, "Oh, Christine… poor, naïve, Christine… I did it all for you… everything… was for you…"
How could I reply to that? What could I possibly say that could rectify matters…? He was, nevertheless, right and I could not begin to convince him he was mistaken.
"I know, Erik, I know… so, do this one last thing for me… fight it for me and I will never expect anything more. You would not deny me one final wish, would you?" Yes, I knew that it was terrible to toy with his emotions further but I was fully aware that he could deny me nothing and what would that matter anyway if he lived? I only hoped he could learn to forgive me…
"No… you are right, Christine… I cannot refuse you your final wish from me. But, though I would fight for you I do not believe that this is a battle I can win…" He let his head drop farther into the pillow and appeared to have given up already.
That so familiar sensation of burning was again present at the backs of my eyes and the unshed tears gathered in the corners, waiting for the tear that would make them overflow. My voice came out shrill like the sound of the highest register on the flute and yet with all the despair of a cello – "But, but… I… lo… love… you…"
Out of all the reactions I might have expected, I did not quite understand the one he actually gave me. He became visibly sadder, snapping his eyes open though not really looking at anything, a film of wetness covered them suddenly, and the light that was ever-present in them faded away. "I had fantasised that my Christine would say that… but, alas… it is never to be. I only wanted the best for her… hmm…"
I was shocked into silence… what was he talking about? He was raving… I was right here beside him, I had said those words… Was he now truly mad…? Had I pushed him over the edge…? Christine, you did a great deal more than that… you tied a blindfold around his eyes, led him to the edge, and told him to jump – that all was well… You made him do it and yet you cannot be blamed by others because you did not push him… No… you did something much worse…
How could I live with myself if I knew he was insane due to the torment I inflicted on his soul…? No… I must stop thinking about myself and help him… I will spend the rest of my life caring for him if I have to… though, I'm sure he had not intended to have me made into a nurse-maid…
But if it would save him for me to be here…
Just what is the price of salvation, these days?
A/N: I wasn't as happy with this chapter as I was with the rest but this is the way it happened in the dream – not a lot went on but I had to keep it the same for the sake of understanding the next few chapters and to fit properly with the song lyrics. Next chapter is in Erik's POV – should be better, and something will become quite obvious… anyway, can't reveal anymore… I hope you like it.
Thanks again to all those who asked me to continue… you know who you are…