Yes, I am still not dead. I'm also very sleepy, but I'll write this intro and get it all
uploaded if it's the last thing I ever do anyway.
It occurred to me how long the book version of this would be, since I'd want to do the entire series, not just the first book. Aside from the smallish differences, there are basically four versions of the story: The book version, the TV version, the radio version and the comics version. The book version is too long for me to recreate here and I haven't read the comics yet. This leaves me with the TV and radio versions, and since the TV one is more recognizable, I'm gonna do that. For those of you who haven't seen the TV show, it's basically an extremely condensed and spliced version of the first two books. That way I can finish this, AND if I ever feel like doing a sequel I can just add the last three books on. Okay? Okay.
No own. No mice were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
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"Well, I hope you all have a perfectly miserable time!" Dib called over the edge once he realized the others were leaving without him.
"Don't worry," came SIR's voice, already fading into the distance, "we will."
"Deja vu! Deja vu! I gots me some deja vu!" screamed GIR, breaking the fourth wall.
Dib sighed and slumped against a nearby rock. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. What a day it had been for him. First his planet was demolished, which alone is more than enough for a person to handle in one day. Then he got to run from hordes of giant rubbery aliens through a maze of dank corridors. Then, of course, his head popped off his neck and started floating away towards a group of pink fish. And then he got to learn that his sister had really been an android for the past few years. And let's not forget there was a fish in his ear. Or, of course, his fun-filled experience of being shot into space to asphyxiate and-
Wait a minute. Something suddenly seemed wrong to him. He pondered the idea for a moment. Weren't you supposed to explode or implode or something like that if you get shot into space? Wasn't the temperature in space absolute zero, shouldn't every molecule of water in his body have turned into ice? How was it he had managed to stay alive for twenty-nine seconds before he had been picked up? A look of anxiety and extreme puzzlement crossed his face.
GIR suddenly noticed Dib's despondent posture and decided it would be a good idea to cheer him up. The next few minutes passed in something like this:
"I's gonna do a happy dance and sing!"
"AAAAAH! GET OFF MY HEAD!!"
"I love you too, Dibbah! HUG TIME!"
"Plebghase taghkge yohmur hgbanbds oghff ohf mbgy moghuth..."
"Oooooke-doo!"
"GASP! ...Um. Thanks."
"No sweat fishing net! I likes your toes!"
"..."
"I'm gonna sing you my happy song now! Hhhaack, cough, cough, ack, kack..."
"..."
"I like toes, toes like me, toes are cool AND I'M GONNA EAT 'EM!"
"ARGH! LEGGO MY FOOT!"
"LEGGO MY EGGO!"
"STOP BEING SO CRAZY, WHY DON'T YOU!?"
"Okay."
With that, GIR stopped chewing on Dib's foot, jumped off his head, and went to sit quietly on top of another rock. Dib stared at him.
"You're a very strange little robot, you know that?"
"I do." GIR grinned unnervingly wide.
Dib shook his head. Just another thing for him to deal with. It occurred to him how comparatively well he was handling all this and gave himself a mental pat on the back.
...He was fairly well deserving of it. Aside from the slightly above average amount of screaming he had been doing today, more or less the only ill effect of it all was that the constant stream of new information and challenges he needed to absorb had made him easily distracted, so much so that he had now forgotten all about the curious way he had survived being shot into space. Dimly he wondered how the others were doing.
In fact, the others were doing about as well as he was. They all were growing fiercely irritated. Gaz by the fact that she couldn't see her Irken Gameslave's screen as well in the dark, SIR by the fact that, against all his wishes, the universe was continuing to exist, and the other two by the fact that the they had been walking for what seemed like an eternity without any noticeable change in the tunnel.
"How long have we been walking?" Skoodge wondered out loud.
"Four hours, seventeen point eighty-eight minutes." Droned his SIR.
Zim grabbed his head and growled in frustration. "And we haven't seen any sign of life yet! Why isn't there life on this stupid dead planet!? Huh?!" He turned to the others. "HUH?!" Zim swiveled and continued to stomp forward.
It's very well known, though often ignored, that the universe has a sense of humor. Though few people realize the magnitude of this. One particularly interesting example which is illustrative of this point is The Great Bloody Wars of Ultravenus Seven, which were fought entirely with creme pies and seltzer bottles. In fact, these items are acidic to Ultravenusians, and therefore very sensible weapons. And the traditional battle dress consisting of a rainbow wig, frilled collar and large red rubber shoes is just a coincidence.
These coincidences, however, are so staggering and so numerous that there is now a faction of people dedicated to studying this phenomenon. The Straight Beings, as they call themselves, (Changed from the politically incorrect "The Straight Men,") have formed the theory that somewhere outside the universe as we know it is an alien intelligence which isn't actually sinister, but very callous and indifferent regarding what happens to us. They largely believe that the universe was most likely created for entertainment purposes by a higher being with too much spare time. There are three major denominations which have different theories regarding what this being is actually like. One denomination believes the universe was created by an extremely large and jovial Englishman. Another feels it was created by a stylish, bespectacled man with a Mexican heritage. The third denomination is the most despondent of them all, and they believe the universe was created by a bookish highschool girl from Chicago.
These theories are not widely accepted, particularly since no one knows where England, Mexico or Chicago is. Their philosophies in general are usually labeled as probable, but very depressing and are largely ignored. Moderates tend to agree that if the universe DOES have a sense of humor, it's certainly a very dark, morbid one. As for The Straight Beings themselves, they were all wiped out by a virus contracted from a rubber chicken. Were any of them alive at the time, they might have found it interesting, though not at all surprising, that as soon as Zim had uttered those words, robotic guards sprang out, knocked everyone unconscious and dragged them away.
Meanwhile, on the surface, Dib was taking a walk. He had told GIR to stay behind and count the boulders. It wasn't that he expected him to obey for more than a second, but he assumed (correctly) that by the time GIR got bored counting his attention would be captured by some random object. Hopefully by the time GIR decided to go looking for Dib he would be well out of sight. He'd return to the entrance when he darn well felt like it. Right now he was enjoying the scenery. There was a rock, and... another rock, and a very large rock and... alright, maybe there wasn't much scenery to enjoy, but he needed to clear his head and think about something. The words "Explosive decompression" drifted through his mind in search of something to connect to.
A dramatic, ominous voice shattered his thoughts. "You picked a cold night to visit our dead planet, Earthenoid."
Dib turned to see a man whose appearance evoked images of Moses and Sauraman, and whose voice was appropriately monumental for both. "Who are you?" he asked.
The man's face was distorted with distaste. With hesitation, he replied: "...Slartibartfast."
"My name's Dib."
"Ah. That explains why you didn't make a joke." Slatibartfast grabbed Dib's arm with surprising strength. "You must come with me. There are unbelievable matters which concern you." he said urgently.
"Wait!" Dib cried, pulling his arm back. "Where am I supposed to be going?!"
"I'll explain it all in the shuttlecraft, come."
"What about GIR?"
"What about what, Earthenoid?"
Dib paused, but decided to drop the subject. He really shouldn't care what happened to Zim's robot, but... he really was adorable. "How did you know I was an Eartheno- That is, how did you know I was from Earth?" he asked, getting into the shuttlecraft.
"For you to know that, I'll have to explain from the begining" Slartibartfast intoned. Dib settled back. While Slartibartfast spoke, the craft started and flew deep into the bowels of Magrathiea.
"Well, first of all, you should know that what you call planet Earth is actually a giant supercomputer run by mice." This wasn't one of the things Dib had expected to hear, but he kept silent and listened. "You see, what you see as mice are actually pandimensional hyperintelligent beings. The little white things are just the way they look in our dimension. You see, they had build a giant computer to calculate the ultimate Answer to life, the Universe and everything in hopes of attaining fulfillment. After seven and a half million years the computer came up with the answer of forty-two, and so an even bigger computer was built to find out the question so the answer would make sense. That was the Earth, you see. Then the Vogons destroyed it all minutes before the program was completed. Messy business. And you were a part of it, you see."
Dib wasn't at all sure how to react to that and he said so. "I'm sorry."
"Not at all, these things can't be helped. Anyway, they were thinking of making another Earth based on recent diagrams of it so that it would be exactly as it was four weeks before the Vogons destroyed it. But now they've put it on hold for some reason that has to do with you. Ah, here we are."
"Where?"
"The council chamber. You're going to meet the mice."
"...Oh."
uploaded if it's the last thing I ever do anyway.
It occurred to me how long the book version of this would be, since I'd want to do the entire series, not just the first book. Aside from the smallish differences, there are basically four versions of the story: The book version, the TV version, the radio version and the comics version. The book version is too long for me to recreate here and I haven't read the comics yet. This leaves me with the TV and radio versions, and since the TV one is more recognizable, I'm gonna do that. For those of you who haven't seen the TV show, it's basically an extremely condensed and spliced version of the first two books. That way I can finish this, AND if I ever feel like doing a sequel I can just add the last three books on. Okay? Okay.
No own. No mice were harmed in the making of this fanfic.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well, I hope you all have a perfectly miserable time!" Dib called over the edge once he realized the others were leaving without him.
"Don't worry," came SIR's voice, already fading into the distance, "we will."
"Deja vu! Deja vu! I gots me some deja vu!" screamed GIR, breaking the fourth wall.
Dib sighed and slumped against a nearby rock. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. What a day it had been for him. First his planet was demolished, which alone is more than enough for a person to handle in one day. Then he got to run from hordes of giant rubbery aliens through a maze of dank corridors. Then, of course, his head popped off his neck and started floating away towards a group of pink fish. And then he got to learn that his sister had really been an android for the past few years. And let's not forget there was a fish in his ear. Or, of course, his fun-filled experience of being shot into space to asphyxiate and-
Wait a minute. Something suddenly seemed wrong to him. He pondered the idea for a moment. Weren't you supposed to explode or implode or something like that if you get shot into space? Wasn't the temperature in space absolute zero, shouldn't every molecule of water in his body have turned into ice? How was it he had managed to stay alive for twenty-nine seconds before he had been picked up? A look of anxiety and extreme puzzlement crossed his face.
GIR suddenly noticed Dib's despondent posture and decided it would be a good idea to cheer him up. The next few minutes passed in something like this:
"I's gonna do a happy dance and sing!"
"AAAAAH! GET OFF MY HEAD!!"
"I love you too, Dibbah! HUG TIME!"
"Plebghase taghkge yohmur hgbanbds oghff ohf mbgy moghuth..."
"Oooooke-doo!"
"GASP! ...Um. Thanks."
"No sweat fishing net! I likes your toes!"
"..."
"I'm gonna sing you my happy song now! Hhhaack, cough, cough, ack, kack..."
"..."
"I like toes, toes like me, toes are cool AND I'M GONNA EAT 'EM!"
"ARGH! LEGGO MY FOOT!"
"LEGGO MY EGGO!"
"STOP BEING SO CRAZY, WHY DON'T YOU!?"
"Okay."
With that, GIR stopped chewing on Dib's foot, jumped off his head, and went to sit quietly on top of another rock. Dib stared at him.
"You're a very strange little robot, you know that?"
"I do." GIR grinned unnervingly wide.
Dib shook his head. Just another thing for him to deal with. It occurred to him how comparatively well he was handling all this and gave himself a mental pat on the back.
...He was fairly well deserving of it. Aside from the slightly above average amount of screaming he had been doing today, more or less the only ill effect of it all was that the constant stream of new information and challenges he needed to absorb had made him easily distracted, so much so that he had now forgotten all about the curious way he had survived being shot into space. Dimly he wondered how the others were doing.
In fact, the others were doing about as well as he was. They all were growing fiercely irritated. Gaz by the fact that she couldn't see her Irken Gameslave's screen as well in the dark, SIR by the fact that, against all his wishes, the universe was continuing to exist, and the other two by the fact that the they had been walking for what seemed like an eternity without any noticeable change in the tunnel.
"How long have we been walking?" Skoodge wondered out loud.
"Four hours, seventeen point eighty-eight minutes." Droned his SIR.
Zim grabbed his head and growled in frustration. "And we haven't seen any sign of life yet! Why isn't there life on this stupid dead planet!? Huh?!" He turned to the others. "HUH?!" Zim swiveled and continued to stomp forward.
It's very well known, though often ignored, that the universe has a sense of humor. Though few people realize the magnitude of this. One particularly interesting example which is illustrative of this point is The Great Bloody Wars of Ultravenus Seven, which were fought entirely with creme pies and seltzer bottles. In fact, these items are acidic to Ultravenusians, and therefore very sensible weapons. And the traditional battle dress consisting of a rainbow wig, frilled collar and large red rubber shoes is just a coincidence.
These coincidences, however, are so staggering and so numerous that there is now a faction of people dedicated to studying this phenomenon. The Straight Beings, as they call themselves, (Changed from the politically incorrect "The Straight Men,") have formed the theory that somewhere outside the universe as we know it is an alien intelligence which isn't actually sinister, but very callous and indifferent regarding what happens to us. They largely believe that the universe was most likely created for entertainment purposes by a higher being with too much spare time. There are three major denominations which have different theories regarding what this being is actually like. One denomination believes the universe was created by an extremely large and jovial Englishman. Another feels it was created by a stylish, bespectacled man with a Mexican heritage. The third denomination is the most despondent of them all, and they believe the universe was created by a bookish highschool girl from Chicago.
These theories are not widely accepted, particularly since no one knows where England, Mexico or Chicago is. Their philosophies in general are usually labeled as probable, but very depressing and are largely ignored. Moderates tend to agree that if the universe DOES have a sense of humor, it's certainly a very dark, morbid one. As for The Straight Beings themselves, they were all wiped out by a virus contracted from a rubber chicken. Were any of them alive at the time, they might have found it interesting, though not at all surprising, that as soon as Zim had uttered those words, robotic guards sprang out, knocked everyone unconscious and dragged them away.
Meanwhile, on the surface, Dib was taking a walk. He had told GIR to stay behind and count the boulders. It wasn't that he expected him to obey for more than a second, but he assumed (correctly) that by the time GIR got bored counting his attention would be captured by some random object. Hopefully by the time GIR decided to go looking for Dib he would be well out of sight. He'd return to the entrance when he darn well felt like it. Right now he was enjoying the scenery. There was a rock, and... another rock, and a very large rock and... alright, maybe there wasn't much scenery to enjoy, but he needed to clear his head and think about something. The words "Explosive decompression" drifted through his mind in search of something to connect to.
A dramatic, ominous voice shattered his thoughts. "You picked a cold night to visit our dead planet, Earthenoid."
Dib turned to see a man whose appearance evoked images of Moses and Sauraman, and whose voice was appropriately monumental for both. "Who are you?" he asked.
The man's face was distorted with distaste. With hesitation, he replied: "...Slartibartfast."
"My name's Dib."
"Ah. That explains why you didn't make a joke." Slatibartfast grabbed Dib's arm with surprising strength. "You must come with me. There are unbelievable matters which concern you." he said urgently.
"Wait!" Dib cried, pulling his arm back. "Where am I supposed to be going?!"
"I'll explain it all in the shuttlecraft, come."
"What about GIR?"
"What about what, Earthenoid?"
Dib paused, but decided to drop the subject. He really shouldn't care what happened to Zim's robot, but... he really was adorable. "How did you know I was an Eartheno- That is, how did you know I was from Earth?" he asked, getting into the shuttlecraft.
"For you to know that, I'll have to explain from the begining" Slartibartfast intoned. Dib settled back. While Slartibartfast spoke, the craft started and flew deep into the bowels of Magrathiea.
"Well, first of all, you should know that what you call planet Earth is actually a giant supercomputer run by mice." This wasn't one of the things Dib had expected to hear, but he kept silent and listened. "You see, what you see as mice are actually pandimensional hyperintelligent beings. The little white things are just the way they look in our dimension. You see, they had build a giant computer to calculate the ultimate Answer to life, the Universe and everything in hopes of attaining fulfillment. After seven and a half million years the computer came up with the answer of forty-two, and so an even bigger computer was built to find out the question so the answer would make sense. That was the Earth, you see. Then the Vogons destroyed it all minutes before the program was completed. Messy business. And you were a part of it, you see."
Dib wasn't at all sure how to react to that and he said so. "I'm sorry."
"Not at all, these things can't be helped. Anyway, they were thinking of making another Earth based on recent diagrams of it so that it would be exactly as it was four weeks before the Vogons destroyed it. But now they've put it on hold for some reason that has to do with you. Ah, here we are."
"Where?"
"The council chamber. You're going to meet the mice."
"...Oh."