28 -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28 The guests are already present. Timmy and Vicky enter. Timmy takes up his envelope again. TIMMY: Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common. You're all being blackmailed. For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you? WANDA: Oh, please! I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book--I've never done anything wrong. TIMMY: Anybody else wish to deny it? The guests look at each other, but no one responds. TIMMY: Very well. As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details. And my instructions are to do so. Thank you, Tixie. The maid, so dismissed, leaves. Vicky's eyes follow her out. AHPIRODITE: Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation? TIMMY: I'm sorry. Chip, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. CHIP: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. TIMMY: So your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. His license to practice has bee lifted, correct? COSMOS: Why? What did he do? TIMMY: You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients? COSMOS: Yeah? TIMMY: Well, he did. COSMOS: Ha! WANDA: Oh, how disgusting. TIMMY: (swooping down on her) Are you making moral judgements, Wanda? How, then, do you justify taking bribes in return for delivering your husband Senator Comos's vote to certain lobbyists? WANDA: My husband is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that! TIMMY: Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room, how would you describe that transaction? COSMOS: I'd say it stinks. WANDA: Well, how would you know. When were you in that men's room? CHIP: So it's true! WANDA: (standing) No, it's a vicious lie! TIMMY: I'm sure we're all glad to hear that. But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers. AHPIRODITE: (to Wanda) Well, I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn't do. COSMO: Me too. JORGEN: And me. COSMOS: Not me. TIMMY: You're not being blackmailed? COSMOS: Oh, I'm being blackmailed, all right. But I did what I'm being blackmailed for. CHIP: (with interest) What did you do? COSMOS: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while. CHIP: (very interested) Oh, yeah? (pulling out a pen and notepad) What's the phone number? Cosmos rolls her eyes. COSMO: So how did you know Colonel Jorgen works in Washington? Is he one of your clients? JORGEN: (incredulous) Certainly not! COSMO: I was asking Lady Cosmos. JORGEN: (to Cosmos) Well, you tell him it's not true! COSMOS: It's not true. CHIP: Is that true? COSMOS: No, it's not true. COSMO: Ha-hah! So it is true! TIMMY: A double negative! JORGEN: Double "negative"? You mean you have-- (whispers to Cosmos) Photographs? TIMMY: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away. JORGEN: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests? TIMMY: You don't need any help from me, sir. JORGEN: That's right! Jorgen realizes what he just said. CHIP: But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Jorgen visiting a house of ill fame. (puts his hand on Cosmos's leg) Most soldiers do, don't they? COSMOS: (standing) Oh, please. TIMMY: But he holds a sensitive security post in the pentagon. And, Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel's pay. JORGEN: I don't. I came into money during the war, when I lost my mommy and daddy. Timmy is puzzled, but soon recovers. TIMMY: Ahpirodite, you've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances. Cosmos laughs. AHPIRODITE: Why is that funny? COSMOS: I see. That's why he was lying on his back. In his coffin. AHPIRODITE: I didn't kill him. JORGEN: Then why are you paying the blackmailer? AHPIRODITE: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation, he was deranged . . . lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much, he had threatened to kill me in public. COSMOS: Why would he want to kill you in public? TIMMY: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. COSMOS: Oh. And was that his final word on the matter? AHPIRODITE: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say? TIMMY: And yet he was the one who died, not you, Ahpirodite, not you. COSMOS: What did he do for a living? AHPIRODITE: He was a scientist. Nuclear physics. COSMOS: What was he like? AHPIRODITE: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died. But he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his . . . you know . . . The men in the room cross their legs. AHPIRODITE: I had been out all evening at the movies. COSMOS: Do you miss him? AHPIRODITE: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life. TIMMY: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared. AHPIRODITE: But that was his job. He was an illusionist. TIMMY: But he never reappeared. AHPIRODITE: (shrugging) He wasn't a very good illusionist. Cosmo clears his throat and stands. COSMO: I have something to say. (pauses) I'm not going to wait for Timmy here to unmask me. I work for the state department. And I am a homosexual. Timmy, wide-eyed, looks for Cosmo's file. Wanda clucks in disgust. COSMO: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds. (pauses again) . . . Thank you. Cosmo sits back down next to Chip, who rapidly stands and walks away. CHIP: Well, that just leaves Vicky. COSMOS: What's your little secret? TIMMY: Her secret? Oh, hadn't you guessed? Her's the one who's blackmailing you all. Lightning crashes. Vicky looks very satisfied. JORGEN: You bastard! The guests advance on Vicky as her stands. Col. Jorgen challenges Vicky to fight, boxing-style. JORGEN: Put 'em up! Vicky steps on the Colonel's toes and pokes him in the eyes. COSMO: Gentlemen . . . JORGEN: If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all! VICKY: Calls me a bastard! Cosmo and the others try to separate them as Colonel Jorgen recovers and Vicky goes for him. Cosmos decides to take matters into her own hands and knees Vicky in the crotch. COSMO: Was that necessary, Cosmos? Why Wanda & Ahpirodite are in the back cheer Cosmos on. TIMMY: Wait! Wait! The police are coming! The guests disapprove. TIMMY: Listen! Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how her's been able to blackmail you. All you have to do is tell the police, he'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over. VICKY: (standing, in pain) 's not so easy. You'll never tell the police. TIMMY: Then I shall. I have evidence in my possession, and this conversation is being tape recorded.
28a -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 28a Tixie in the Billiard room, drinking cognac and listening to a tape recorder that is recording. COSMO: (Voice) Point of order--tape recordings are not admissible evidence!
28b -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28b The study. General confusion ensues. TIMMY; Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about (checks his watch) forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Vicky will be behind bars. Vicky goes for the hall. Timmy stops them. TIMMY: Where are you going this time? VICKY: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall? Vicky exits.
28c -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 28c The Hall. Vicky gets her bags from by the front door.
28d -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28d The study. Vicky opens her luggage. VICKY: Who can guess what's in here, eh? WANDA: The evidence against us, no doubt. Vicky chuckles. Her starts handing out boxes, each with a different size and shape. COSMOS: We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us? VICKY: Oh, yes. AHPIRODITE: What were you told, precisely? VICKY: Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little . . . financial arrangements. And if I did not appear, Timmy would be informing the police about it all. Naturally I could hardly resist putting in an appearance. He finishes handing out the packages. VICKY: (elbowing her way to the door) 'Scuse me. (eyeing the packages) Open 'em. COSMOS: Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange women. Cosmos opens her package. A candlestick. COSMOS: A candlestick? What's this for? Ahpirodite opens her box and reveals a rope-tied in a noose. Cosmo takes his box in one hand. He opens it and lets the contents fall into his other hand. A bent lead pipe. Col. Jorgen opens his box and pulls out . . . a heavy wrench. Chip takes the lid off his package and looks in. He gingerly pulls out a revolver. Finally, the camera reveals Wanda, who is twirling a dagger. VICKY: (O.S.) In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. Vicky walks on camera and continues. VICKY: If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. (pauses) But . . . if one of you kills Timmy now . . . Timmy"s eyes widen in shock. VICKY: . . . no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. Vicky goes over to the light switch with deliberate ease. He closes the door to the hall and sets her drink down. VICKY: The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Timmy. Now. Her turns off the lights. We hear noises. Someone inhales raspily. A gunshot. Something ceramic shatters. A scream. The lights go up. Wanda, who turned on the light, drops the dagger in shock. The camera reveals Vicky lying prone on the floor. JORGEN: It's not Timmy! The guests talk to each other. CHIP: Stand back! Give hER air! (kneels next to Vicky) Let me see. (checks Vicky for signs of life) Her's dead! AHPIRODITE: Who had the gun? CHIP: I did. COSMOS: Then you shot her! CHIP: I didn't! WANDA: Well, you had the gun. If you didn't shoot her, who did? Vicky is turned over. CHIP: Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off. Look! The bullet broke that vase on the mantel! Everyone rushes for the mantel simultaneously, causing confusion. JORGEN: He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall. See that? Cosmo grabs Chip by the lapels. COSMO: How did he die? CHIP: I don't know! (shoves him away) I'm not a forensic expert. COSMOS: Well, one of us must have killed her! COSMO: Well, I didn't do it. WANDA: Oh, I need a drink! She goes to the door and gets Vicky's cognac. She sips. CHIP: (alarmed) Maybe he was poisoned! Wanda drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream. She won't stop. Cosmo takes her to a sofa, offering words of comfort. She sits, but won't stop screaming. Cosmo slaps her. COSMO: I . . . I had to stop her from screaming . . . CHIP: (to Cosmo) Was the brandy poisoned? COSMO: I don't know. AHPIRODITE: (picks up the glass. All the cognac has spilled out) Looks like we'll never know. COSMOS: Unless . . . unless she dies, too. They all rush over to scrutinize Wanda. A scream erupts from another room! The guests gasp. They run from the study into the hall.
28a -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--BILLIARD ROOM -- 28a Tixie in the Billiard room, drinking cognac and listening to a tape recorder that is recording. COSMO: (Voice) Point of order--tape recordings are not admissible evidence!
28b -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28b The study. General confusion ensues. TIMMY; Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about (checks his watch) forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Vicky will be behind bars. Vicky goes for the hall. Timmy stops them. TIMMY: Where are you going this time? VICKY: I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall? Vicky exits.
28c -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE HALL -- 28c The Hall. Vicky gets her bags from by the front door.
28d -- INT. GROUND FLOOR--THE STUDY -- 28d The study. Vicky opens her luggage. VICKY: Who can guess what's in here, eh? WANDA: The evidence against us, no doubt. Vicky chuckles. Her starts handing out boxes, each with a different size and shape. COSMOS: We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us? VICKY: Oh, yes. AHPIRODITE: What were you told, precisely? VICKY: Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little . . . financial arrangements. And if I did not appear, Timmy would be informing the police about it all. Naturally I could hardly resist putting in an appearance. He finishes handing out the packages. VICKY: (elbowing her way to the door) 'Scuse me. (eyeing the packages) Open 'em. COSMOS: Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange women. Cosmos opens her package. A candlestick. COSMOS: A candlestick? What's this for? Ahpirodite opens her box and reveals a rope-tied in a noose. Cosmo takes his box in one hand. He opens it and lets the contents fall into his other hand. A bent lead pipe. Col. Jorgen opens his box and pulls out . . . a heavy wrench. Chip takes the lid off his package and looks in. He gingerly pulls out a revolver. Finally, the camera reveals Wanda, who is twirling a dagger. VICKY: (O.S.) In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. Vicky walks on camera and continues. VICKY: If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. (pauses) But . . . if one of you kills Timmy now . . . Timmy"s eyes widen in shock. VICKY: . . . no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. Vicky goes over to the light switch with deliberate ease. He closes the door to the hall and sets her drink down. VICKY: The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Timmy. Now. Her turns off the lights. We hear noises. Someone inhales raspily. A gunshot. Something ceramic shatters. A scream. The lights go up. Wanda, who turned on the light, drops the dagger in shock. The camera reveals Vicky lying prone on the floor. JORGEN: It's not Timmy! The guests talk to each other. CHIP: Stand back! Give hER air! (kneels next to Vicky) Let me see. (checks Vicky for signs of life) Her's dead! AHPIRODITE: Who had the gun? CHIP: I did. COSMOS: Then you shot her! CHIP: I didn't! WANDA: Well, you had the gun. If you didn't shoot her, who did? Vicky is turned over. CHIP: Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off. Look! The bullet broke that vase on the mantel! Everyone rushes for the mantel simultaneously, causing confusion. JORGEN: He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall. See that? Cosmo grabs Chip by the lapels. COSMO: How did he die? CHIP: I don't know! (shoves him away) I'm not a forensic expert. COSMOS: Well, one of us must have killed her! COSMO: Well, I didn't do it. WANDA: Oh, I need a drink! She goes to the door and gets Vicky's cognac. She sips. CHIP: (alarmed) Maybe he was poisoned! Wanda drops the glass in revulsion and starts to scream. She won't stop. Cosmo takes her to a sofa, offering words of comfort. She sits, but won't stop screaming. Cosmo slaps her. COSMO: I . . . I had to stop her from screaming . . . CHIP: (to Cosmo) Was the brandy poisoned? COSMO: I don't know. AHPIRODITE: (picks up the glass. All the cognac has spilled out) Looks like we'll never know. COSMOS: Unless . . . unless she dies, too. They all rush over to scrutinize Wanda. A scream erupts from another room! The guests gasp. They run from the study into the hall.