Life Among the Dead
1/1
by Kihin Ranno
goddess_branwen@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/kihin_ranno/
PG-13
______________________________
How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
______________________________
He was standing in the middle of a sea of nothingness. He could not
even say that he was surrounded by the dark, or the color black, or
mist and fog; the normal things one associates when standing
somewhere in which there was nothing. But no, Sirius could not even
describe what lay around him now. None of the aforementioned things
was there. Nothing was there. It was something that lacked so much
in everything and anything that he could not even put a name to it.
Save one.
Sirius tried to look around and see if there were anything there, but
he was only confronted with more indefinable nonentity. He squinted
his eyes to see if he could make out anything, give something a name,
but he could not. He felt a lump form in his throat, but he did not
fight it down, swallow it, or even acknowledge it's presence. He just
let it remain there, too tired to remove it and too like his
surroundings to care.
Finally, he resigned himself to the fact that he was in an unknown
location... Possibly even in a place that didn't truly exist. If that
even made sense. After all, how could one be in a place that wasn't
real? How could a person live in an entirely fabricated world of
illusion? The only way a person could be there is if the person in
question had never been real to begin with.
That was an interesting theory... Could a life be created in such
great detail that it brought them into existence? That it made them
real? There was a Greek legend about a sculptor by the name of
Pygmalion. He had an unexplained contempt for women because of their
imperfections. So deep was his hatred, that he sought to fix his
problem by creating to perfect women out of ivory. As expected,
Pygmalion's hate for women dissolved upon completion, or at least
enough for him to love Galatea, the name he had given his precious
statue. The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, took notice of this and
breathed into the statue, giving it life through Pygmalion's kiss.
And then she existed when she hadn't before.
So could it be possible to create something and give it life? And if
it were not human, not really anyway, how would it die? Would it
cease to exist when it's creator did? And were they cast off into a
world of nothingness that was somehow unreal, for they themselves
weren't real either?
Sirius was surprised he wasn't getting a headache. Greek myths had
never been his favorite subject.
The dark haired man sighed, running a hand through said locks,
resigning himself to the fact that he was stuck here for at least a
little while. He wanted to sit down, but he wasn't entirely sure if
there was a floor. Of course, then it would have been impossible for
him to stand, but he wasn't sure if he was standing either. He could
not be sure of anything in this void.
He paused now, not that he had been doing anything he could take a
break from but still, and narrowed his pale eyes in retrospection.
Where had he been last anyway? He had just flown Buckbeak from
Arabella Figg's... He had been flying when he had been unable to go
on. He had collapsed on Buckbeak and the hippogriff had begun to
descend. Sirius had felt that before allowing sleep to take hold of
him completely. The last thing he remembered was a voice... A kind
voice... A voice that called him a name other than the one his mother
gave him...
Padfoot.
Sirius blinked once, twice, three times as the information registered
in his brain. Only one person called him that now. The other two
were gone as one was dead and the other was dead to him though he
still breathed and walked the earth, soiling even the dirtiest ground
with his touch. And only one person was that kind. Only one person
would not have run away screaming at the sight of a convicted
murderer. Only one person could lift him off of a screaming Buckbeak
and hold him completely uninhibited. Only one person would carry him
back to his home without a second thought. Only one person loved him
enough to do all that and call him by his childhood name.
Remus J. Lupin. Moony.
Sirius began running forward, at least he thought he was. His feet
were moving and he knew he should be getting him somewhere, but they
didn't seem to touch the ground. And he didn't seem to be moving, but
it was hard to tell in the vast chasm or whatever it was. Sirius took
a deep breath and spoke, his voice hoarse and dry for some reason.
He had forgotten about the lump that still hung heavily in his throat.
"Moony!" He called out with some sort of indefinable emotion. He
could not label it any more than he could give his location a name.
"Remus!" He cried, looking around for the thin man who looked older
than he was with the eyes of an animal but the heart of something far
superior to a man. He searched for a flash of grey and brown that was
his friend's hair that threatened to fall past his shoulders one of
these days. He listened for the quiet laugh that was never full, for
the man always had a sadness hanging over him as the moon was always
hanging over him. He even craned his ears for a howl, if it was that
time.
But he heard as much as he saw. Nothing.
If Remus was around, he wasn't answering him. Though Sirius thought
this must mean that Remus was not there. The man would never ignore
him. Especially since the last time they had seen each other was the
bittersweet reunion in the Shrieking Shack and the subsequent
adventures that followed. He knew that his old friend missed him.
They were all each other had any more. The last remnants of the once
great Marauders.
But why would he not be there? Wherever this place was, surely Remus
must be here too. He had brought him somewhere... Though why the man
would bring him here to this land that did not exist in reality was a
mystery to the Animagus. He wondered where Remus was if not here. He
also wistfully wondered how he had escaped.
Sirius frowned suddenly, his old Auror instincts suddenly deciding to
break through the haze of his mind. He tensed as he now pondered if
Remus had brought him here... His confidant had been carrying him,
probably haphazardly as Sirius was a few inches taller than the former
Professor to say the very least. Buckbeak was making enough noise to
raise the dead. Perhaps Sirius had been followed... Perhaps he and
Remus had been taken. Perhaps the Death Eaters had thrown them into
this nothing world.
Perhaps the reason why Remus didn't answer was because he couldn't
answer.
Sirius paled, though no one was able to see how white he was. If they
had, they probably would have thought that he had suddenly died and
had miraculously managed to remain upright. The blood suddenly rushed
down to his legs and he was running again, but not getting anywhere.
He was also screaming again, but it seemed that no one heard him.
"Remus!" Sirius called frantically, the lump in his throat now
shriveling up due to his panic. He pumped his legs harder, but felt
that it was now making the situation worse. He sensed that he was
moving backwards, the opposite of what he wished to do. He growled in
a voice that sounded very much like something other than a human and
much more canine and ground his teeth. He continued screaming for his
friend, using every name that he had ever been referred to by in his
life... Save the hateful ones.
After what seemed like an eternity of running forwards yet moving in
the wrong direction in the empty space, Sirius squinted his face up
and shouted at the top of his voice, shattering his vocal cords which
were already burning. "Damn it Moony, answer me!"
And just then, he felt it. He felt ground beneath him as it came up
under him without so much as a sound. Sirius was taken off guard and
pitched forward. He grunted with the impact, shutting his eyes. And
before he opened them again, he knew that something more had changed.
He knew he would see something in front of him, though he had no idea
what...
Yet he knew that he wasn't too keen on looking.
Even so, Sirius Black was many things, including impulsive, reckless,
and proud. He was a Gryffindor, the house of the brave. He would not
show fear in any situation. He could not, by his own personal code of
honor, keep his eyes shut. So he opened them... And quickly wished
that he had been sorted into Hufflepuff so he could be afraid without
reservation.
Sirius found himself staring into a pair of eyes... One was sold black
and the other entirely white. The man somehow new that those eyes
were locked with his own, though it was hard to tell given the
appearance of them. He felt like there was something deeply wise and
magical in those eyes despite how blanked they looked. And he knew
that they weren't just looking at him... They were looking into him.
They were looking into his eyes and somehow seeing down to his very
soul. They saw both the light and the dark in him, and they took it
in stride, quickly moving on to the next thing. Sirius knew he should
have found it unsettling to have someone look into him like this and
see all of what made Sirius Black what he was... But he wasn't. He
wondered how, as any man would have done, and he was by no means
comfortable with having all of him exposed to this person. But he did
not feel fear from this aspect of the situation.
He slowly began to study the person's other features, trying to ignore
the feeling that he was lying naked in the cold snow... A young face,
covered in lines from stress and worry, as if he had to deal with too
much at a young age and had paid the price for it. His hair was brown
but not without grey streaks, also from either too much stress or too
much fear. Fear of what, Sirius did not know, but somehow he felt it
was the latter. The man, for it was a man, had a small build and
looked as though a stiff wind could have easily knocked him over. Yet
Sirius also knew that this man possessed a strength to be reckoned
with and his frail appearance made him that much more dangerous to
foes. He was dressed in white, tattered robes, with tears in the
fabric...
And then Sirius realized that this was no man.
He bared his teeth to the Azkaban escapee and the darker man saw that
they were lengthened and sharp. They were made to tear into flesh,
rip away muscle, and crush bone as if it was plaster. And they did
not gleam by any means... They were dirty, and had a reddish tinge.
His ears were larger than most, and pointed at the ends. His nails
were also made to do no less than moderate damage to the human person,
and they did not seem the natural color for a human. But the biggest
clue to what he was, or rather what he was not, was the wings
protruding his back. One was perfect, gleaming white and unfurled.
This was on the same side as the black eye. The other was severely
damaged and crippled. It was caked in dry blood and was losing more
feathers each time he so much as twitched.
And then Sirius realized that this was no stranger.
"Moony..."
__________________________________
Without my soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there
And lead it back home
__________________________________
Remus stared down at him, never once breaking eye contact. However,
when he heard Sirius say his name, the name that he himself had given
him in his Second Year when he had learned of Remus' true nature, he
blinked. And with that simple movement, Sirius felt him retreat out
of his soul. He could no longer see all of what he was.
But he still knew. Nothing could change that.
The man yet not a man did not develop any type of expression. He
stood over Sirius, looming over him as never before. He did not drop
the man's gaze and he made no move to help him up. And now Sirius
doubted he would have wanted his help.
"Moony..." Sirius repeated softly, "What... What's going on? What
happened to you?"
Remus' expression did not change. And what's more is his mouth did
not move. Yet Sirius heard his voice as plain as if he had done so.
/You./
Sirius balked, backing up a little but making no move to get up off of
the ground. He stared up at his friend, trying desperately to look
away from his eyes. His eyes were now so deeply frightening when
they had once been warm and gentle. Eyes that had once been so
beautiful that were now far too sinister looking to be appealing to
anyone but a Death Eater. Sirius' own pale eyes were wide as he
fought to rip his gaze away to no avail. "What do you mean?"
/You did this to me./ Remus responded, still not moving his lips.
Sirius tensed, his entire body going absolutely rigid. If he had
paled severely before, his face was even whiter now. His mouth hung
open in shock, though it made several tiny movements to show that
Sirius was attempting to speak, but that fight was going down along
with the one to look away.
He had done this? He had done this to his best friend? No. No he
couldn't have possibly done this. How would he have gone about it?
He had no knowledge of whatever magic had done this to him... He had
never before heard of such a thing happening before. Never in all of
his life had he seen anything like this. It was an entirely
unprecedented sight... But that wasn't even the point! He would
never, ever have done anything like this to Remus. He would smack him
upside the head if he got too annoying. He would playfully tackle him
if his teasing had reached the point where it was permissible. But it
was all in jest...
Most of the things Sirius did were out of love for a man who was like
a brother to him in all but blood. He would comfort him the morning
after the full moon. He would be there for him during the
transformation where his bones were broken and reformed in an
agonizing process Sirius knew he never would have been able to handle.
He listened when Remus told him of his childhood, which had never been
happy or pleasant until Hogwarts. He reminisced about the old days
and all the pranks they had pulled together. He even held the man
when his strength failed him and he had to sob at the cruelty of the
world and the unfairness of fate. Or he had done this when he had
been able to. Before his own life was torn away from him, he had done
all of these things without question. And he would do them again if
he were given the chance.
He could never hurt Remus. Not even if he tried.
"But..." Sirius croaked, slowly started to regain the ability of
human communication. "I would never... Moony..."
/You did this to me./ Remus repeated.
"No." Sirius insisted, shaking his head desperately. "No. I didn't."
/You did this to me./
"Stop saying that!" Sirius snapped, realizing he was sounding a little
off his head. "I could never hurt you. Never!"
/This does hurt./ Remus said without speaking. /And you did it to me./
"Remus!" Sirius shouted frantically. "No! You're like my brother.
My best friend. You're all I have left... We're the last of the four!
I would never do anything to hurt you! You've been hurt enough!"
/You hurt James and Lily./ Remus intoned, his voice sounding grave.
Sirius' white pallor suddenly turned red. He balled up his hands into
fists as he felt his temper rising and his emotions flying out of
control. If he had any more tears to cry, they would have been
streaming down his cheeks at that very moment. But they had dried out
after his first month in Azkaban, where he had done nothing but sob.
After that, he had never cried again.
The man's frame shook with emotion as he ground out. "Shut up... Don't
say that. Don't you ever say that."
/I speak nothing but the truth./ Remus said. /You hurt them. You
killed them./
"Damn you!" Sirius shouted, pounding his fists on the ground beneath
him, still situated on the ground. "I know that! I know that I
murdered them! I'm as good as an accomplice to that rat! But don't
you say that I hurt you too. Don't you ever say that! And don't tell
me what I already know!"
/You must be told. You must be reminded. And you must be told of
what you did to me./
"Nothing!" Sirius screamed in agony. "I didn't do anything to you!"
/Exactly./
"What?" Sirius breathed in exasperation. "You're talking in riddles."
/You hurt me by doing nothing./ Remus spoke, moving his good wing.
/You did nothing and so I am this way./
Sirius hung his head, gasping for air and trembling still. He dug his
fingernails into his palms, leaving half moon indents in the skin.
His knuckles were white Remus' left eye and an old, dirty cut on one
of them reopened. "What way?"
/Dead./
_________________________________
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
_________________________________
Sirius stopped shaking.
/Dead./
He stopped thinking.
/Dead./
He stopped moving.
/Dead./
He stopped feeling.
/Dead./
And for a moment, he even stopped breathing.
/Dead./
This wasn't happening. This couldn't possibly be happening. Remus
wasn't dead. He couldn't die! He was practically immortal! Only
silver could kill him. He could be harmed, he could feel pain, and
he would eventually come to the end of his life... But he could only
be killed with silver. And he was saying that Sirius had done him in
just like James and Lily. But he couldn't have. Not without silver.
Remus wasn't dead. This was some kind of horrible joke he'd
constructed. He had never had the best sense of humor in the world.
Any minute now, he would take out the contacts and break into a smile,
apologizing for his poor choice of a welcome and embrace him as they
had in the Shrieking Shack.
Yes, that was it. This was all some kind of bad joke. All Sirius had
to do was wait for the punch line.
He waited.
/This is real Sirius./
There was no punch line.
"No..." Sirius said softly. "No..." Maybe if he kept saying no, it
would undo whatever had already been done. The power of the word was
stronger than most people thought. It took words to bring forth the
magic. Words could soothe and insight rage faster than any other
force in nature. And in Muggle lore, God created the world with a few
words. If he kept saying it wasn't true, maybe it would change it.
/Deny it all you like./ Remus said. /It will not change the truth.
It does not alter history if you refuse to acknowledge it. It just
makes you ignorant./
"No..." He repeated, refusing to give up on his theory.
/Yes./ Remus insisted. /I am dead, Sirius. I am dead and you killed
me. Just like Lily and James./
"I couldn't hurt you..." Sirius said, saying the most truthful thing
that he could fully believe. He could never hurt Remus. He'd sooner
cut off his wand arm. He would rather do anything than hurt him or
see him hurt. Anything.
/But you did. Without intent, but you need no intent to do harm./
"You're not dead." Sirius insisted.
/I am. The place we are in now is where the dead go when they die.
This is no heaven that foolish idealists hope for nor is it hell that
equally foolish cowards fear above all things. There is but one land
where the dead dwell and this is it./ He gestured his hand to his
right, his eyes still on Sirius.
/To the east there is an ocean of blood, filled with people that
split blood when they died. Those that died in battle dwell there.
Those that were murdered violently dwell there. Those that were
killed accidentally dwell there. And in that sea of endless crimson
they must swim for all time. They cannot come up for air. They
cannot catch a glimpse of the blue sky above it. They cannot even see
what else swims around them for the blood is too murky. They simply
swim./
Blood... An ocean of blood. The place where warriors go. Sirius felt
his heart beat painfully in his chest as he thought of all of the men
and women he knew that swam in those depths or would some day. He had
known so many that had died in battle. He had seen so many lost blood
and die. And with the return of Voldemort, there would be more. Many
more.
Too many.
/To the west is a forest filled with misery. In that place dwells
people who lived lives of pain and sorrow. They ended them of their
own accord in various ways... And all of those ways are available in
those woods. Nooses hang from tree branches. Knives sprout up where
flowers should be. And everything in there that is edible is poison
that kills slowly and does not go quietly. They cannot escape for the
trees are too dense. And one never hears a sound uttered from within
it. No one wails or cries out for help... They are beyond help. And
they do no want to be saved./
A forest of suicides... He had known Aurors that could not handle the
life. it had been a bloody one, and one that required more strength
than most men had. Many of them could not go on. Many of them gave
up.
Sirius had always been too proud for that. He was glad of it.
/To the north,/ Remus continued, /there is a path. It does not stop.
It does not begin. It does not lead anywhere. It simply goes on and
on. On that road walk those that died of illness. Those that
strived to get well and walk among the populous as healthy men but
never made it. They walked down a never ending path in life, and so
they will in death... They are not well. They are all weak for their
illness was never cured. But they cannot rest. They cannot sit down
or pause for breath. They must walk on in constant agony forever./
The path of most resistance is what those poor souls walked. Their
deaths had not been their fault. Their illnesses had not been
something that could have prevented, but still they suffered. The
wicked walked alongside the righteous and endured the same cruel fate.
There was no redemption here. There was no escape. There was no
mercy, no forgiveness, no benevolence. There was only strife.
This place was worse than hell.
/The south is where the other members of the death parade reside.
They are the ones who simply died. No real reason or explanation
other than it was their time. There is nothing special about this
land. They dwell in shadows, forever concealed from everyone. They
are even concealed from themselves. For they did not die in any way
of importance. There is no need for them to be sorted or have
distinction. And when they go there, they remember nothing. They do
not even know their own name./
This place was far worse than hell.
"My God..." Sirius breathed without thinking, all of this information
being too much to bear. This world that he found himself in was more
awful than anything he could have ever imagined. All the dead
suffered no matter what they had done in life. No matter whom they
had been or how good a person they were, it didn't matter. For they
all suffered the same destiny. And some of them didn't even know
there was anything but the torturous existence for they had no memory
of what had been before. It was all so very unfair... And so awful.
/There is no God./ Remus said in a scornful tone, the most emotion he
had shown since Sirius had arrived. /God is nothing more than a myth
that the people created to overcome their fear of death. That was
even more foolish. For death should be feared as death entails
living here. It was meant to be feared, not regarded as the next
great adventure./
Sirius flinched as Remus took Albus Dumbledore's words and used them
to scorn. And he flinched more as he remembered where he was. As he
remembered what his friend claimed.
He was dead. He was dead because of Sirius.
And suddenly it all hit him like a tidal wave of water from the
Arctic. There was no Remus J. Lupin. There was no Moony. That
person was gone forever. There would be no more moonlight
transformations. There would be no bull sessions about the old days.
There would be no more duels with one of them acting as the other's
second. There would be no more playful fights and not so playful
fights. There would be no more arguing. There would be no more
making up. There would be no one to talk to. No one to look forward
to seeing after so long. No one to think about first thing in the
morning and last thing at night. No one to worry about every time the
full moon rose. No one to go back to. There would be no one.
And it was all his fault.
________________________________________
Frozen inside
Without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
________________________________________
/Do you understand?/
Sirius looked up at his friend, or what had been his friend, in
anguish. He wanted to scream at him for saying these things. He
wanted to pound the ground with his fists in frustration. He wanted
to beg him for forgiveness and be granted salvation, though he knew
now that there was no such place. He had been in the place where that
dwelled before. The place that did not exist.
/You disappeared for so long. You never wrote. You never visited.
You never made any attempt to contact me./
"I... I was on my way..." Sirius said feebly.
/You were too late. And you fell before you reached my home. You
fell and thus you did not see me before my death. Perhaps if you had
been there, things would have been different... But that is not the
issue at hand./
Sirius felt his heart break again and again and the sound of his voice
in his ears. It was so matter of fact, as it always was, but to hear
it now and having it say such things was gut wrenching. He couldn't
bear to hear it. He wanted to rip his ears off of his head just so he
could be deaf. He didn't want to hear this... he couldn't bear to.
"No..."
/Denial does nothing. Do no even try it./
Sirius shook his head, his emotions coming to a boil. He looked up at
Remus with a tormented expression marring his features. He shook his
head insistently and said. "You can't be dead. You're not in those
places. You're just standing before me! You're not dead!"
/I am of the fifth./ Remus said, not even so much as blinking at the
emotion Sirius showed him. The old Remus would have blanched at the
fury in his tone, but this one just stood there as if his old comrade
had made some blasé comment about the weather.
"The fifth what?" Sirius hissed.
/I am a wizard who died in very special circumstances. I am one of
those who wanders all of the lands looking like this. I died in such
a way that if angels existed, I would have easily become one. But as
angels to not exist, I became this./ He gestured to himself without
flourish. That at least was true to character. /A half angel. This
may just be what a fallen angel would look like. But I also have
demon characteristics... You can see the wolf in me now as plain as
day. But no one else can see it, the one happy thing this place has
to offer. Those of the fifth cannot be seen, not even by others like
me./
Sirius just stared at him for a while, unable to comprehend this. It
was maddening. He had not heard of any of this in any kind of lore.
All religions offered the possibility of a heaven and a hell. They
had not offered him this. And here Remus stood, explaining this dark
world to him like he was telling him the recipe for Devil's Food Cake.
He couldn't accept this. He couldn't retain this. He couldn't let
this be true.
"No." He said again, with more conviction than the last.
Remus ignored this. /Those of the fifth die with two words ringing in
their ears for all time. Those of the fifth are haunted by it. They
cannot escape the curse./
He couldn't let that be true.
"No!" He shouted, rising to his feet at last. He was still taller
than Remus in this realm, though he felt dwarfed by him now as never
before. His face was angry, denying all he had just heard. "You did
not die like that. You didn't!"
/I did./
"I didn't curse you!"
/You didn't curse James and Lily either. But we're all here because
of you./
"Stop saying that!"
/Why? Why should I stop telling you the truth?/
"It's a lie! You're not dead and I didn't kill you!"
/Yes. You did./
"No!"
/Stop saying that. It will do no good./
"I didn't kill you!"
/Do not lie to yourself. It only makes this harder on you./
"I reached you! I know I did! I heard your voice!"
/You imagined it. You wanted me to be there. But I was already dead.
That wish brought you here so that you would know of your sins./
"If there is no God, then there are no sins!"
/You did wrong. To sin is to do wrong./
"I did no wrong! I did no wrong! Not to you! Never to you!" Sirius
insisted, advancing on Remus. "Don't you understand? I would do
anything for you. Were there a hell, I would burn there for you.
I would slice off my arm if you lost your own. I would take in the
wolf if it would spare you from the hell you've been living for so
long. I would kill for you. I would die for you. I would even go
back to Azkaban for you! And I would never let you become this!
Damn it man, I love you!"
Remus blinked. The most reaction he had shown upon arrival.
Sirius did not blink. He merely stared, in shock at what he had just
said. And in even more shock of the mere fact that it was true.
He couldn't believe he had been so blind. He couldn't believe his own
stupidity that, if he had breathed to tell him so, Remus would have
commended him on. It was so obvious it had been easy to ignore, easy
to miss. But now Sirius knew it. Now he acknowledged it. Now he
embraced it.
Sirius Black was nothing with Remus Lupin. There would be no Padfoot
without Moony.
He couldn't live without him.
______________________________________
Wake me up inside
Call my name
And save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
______________________________________
Remus continued to look at him, his eyes of black and white locked
with Sirius' own. His face was a blank and revealed nothing of his
thoughts. The old Remus, the one Sirius knew far better than this
one, did have a tendency to mask his emotions around others. And in
his first year, he had hidden his pain from his three friends. But
after that, he had never hidden anything from them. He had worn his
heart on his sleeve with them because he trusted them above all else.
One should not have been trusted, and the other had not taken notice
of the change. But Sirius had seen it. Sirius had seen it and was
eternally grateful. Over the years he had gotten to know Moony better
than Prongs and Wormtail just by looking at his face. He saw how some
comments stung more than others. He saw him watch couples walk by
hand in hand wistfully, knowing he could never have that. He saw how
he watched animals run away from them, his face screwed up in pain at
just one more unfair thing that had been thrust upon him.
Sirius had always loved him. He had loved him like a brother that he
needed to protect and shield from the world because he had already
suffered so much at it's hands. It had always been noted that he and
James had been closer, but that did not mean that Remus was the odd
man out. They were all equally close, but the amount of times that
James and Sirius conspired together often masked that truth. No one
ever really knew that Remus was often the mastermind and the one that
made sure that there was no chance that they would be caught. Not
that it always worked, but he tried. They had all been a band of
Marauders. Forever and for always.
But at some point that brotherly love must have changed, for those
three words he had just spoken had not been said lightly. Sirius did
not know when nor did he know why. Now was not the time to think
about that.
He knew now that he could not continue living unless Remus was still
there. He had to change this. He didn't know how, but he had to
change this.
"You cannot be dead." Sirius insisted quietly. "I won't let you be
dead."
Remus said nothing. He didn't even move. Maybe he hadn't had a
chance to do so or maybe he didn't know how to respond. But suddenly,
fog rolled in from no where, separating the two of them.
Sirius could not see so much as a few centimeters in front of him.
He felt panicked, not knowing what had just happened but feeling that
it could not be... right. He held out his hands in front of him,
trying to find where Remus was but they held nothing by cold, wet air.
His anxiousness grew. Remus was no longer in front of him. So where
had he gone? Had something happened?
Sirius didn't know about that. All he knew was that he had to find
him.
So for a second time he ran forward, but this time he felt as if he
were getting somewhere. He felt himself moving forward, or to the
left and right, or even back where he had once came if he so desired.
He didn't know where he had gone, but Sirius had to find him. He
couldn't let it end this way. He couldn't lose him again. Not now.
"Moony!" Sirius called out frantically, using the nickname of old
without a thought. "Where are you? Moony!"
He didn't know where he was going.
"Moony!"
He didn't know what had happened to Remus.
"Damn it, answer me!"
He didn't know if he could change anything.
"You can't leave me like this!"
But he knew he had to try.
Suddenly he felt his knees run into something solid like stone. He
cried out and pitched forward, his face landing in what felt like a
mound of dirt. He didn't feel the pain, ignoring it or choosing not
to let it manifest. He slowly began to pick himself up off of the
ground. As he did so, he felt the clouds around him began to life and
he could see again...
It was night. A full moon. Had it been night before? He couldn't
remember... He hadn't been able to look at anything by Remus even
then. He couldn't remember if it had been night. He couldn't even
remember what had been there aside from Remus.
That didn't matter.
Still, this time Sirius took a look at his surroundings... And he felt
his broken heart being ripped to shreds. A cold, indescribable fear
quickly took hold of him. The trepidation was not only palpable, but
it was like a living, breathing entity that had made it's way into the
man's body. It could not be controlled, fought down, or ignored. It
was far too strong for such things. So instead, Sirius stood up,
looking out at the world around him, the weight of his terror
threatening to knock him down again. He was not sure what he should
do about it or what to do in spite of it. So he just stood there for
a minute and stared...
He stared out at the graveyard before him.
There was not even a remnant of the fog around him that in movies
always added to the cinematic mood. But this cemetery needed no
add-ons to make it all the more frightening. There was nothing
special about it, yet the fact that Sirius was in it was more than
enough to unsettle him, and that word was quite inappropriate for what
it did to him. There were no lightning flashes or thunder rumbling in
the distance. There was no din of the crickets chirping or wind
howling. There was not even the sound of Sirius' own breathing.
There was nothing around him but silence. And that alone was
deafening.
/wake me up/
Sirius tensed in shock, a shudder rippling through him. He knew that
voice. He had not heard that voice speak like that in so long. It
sounded real and full of emotion. It sounded frightened. It was
pleading, desperate. He had not heard that voice speak like that
since the time he had locked his best friend in a closet as a joke and
he had begged him to let him go, saying it reminded him too much of
the nightmares he had where he was in a cage. He had been crying.
Sirius had let him out.
"Remus..." Sirius breathed, shooting to his feet without hesitation.
He looked around frantically for Remus. Not the half angel, half
devil, have werewolf, half man that he had seen before. He sought the
real Remus; the one with a knowing smile, amber eyes, and tattered
brown robes. He had heard *his* voice, not that other one's.
"Remus!" He shouted at the top of his voice, whipping his head about
frantically for the speaker. The graveyard went on endlessly and
there were no large statues or mausoleums to hide in or behind. And
despite the fact that it was dark, the light of the full moon was kind
to him for once and allowed him to see everything as clearly as if it
had been daytime. He looked for a shadow. He looked for a movement.
He looked for a flash of brown.
But he saw nothing. It seemed as if he only had the dead for company.
Sirius moved around to in front of the gravestone, for that was what
it was that he had tripped over. He looked in front of him, still
looking for the owner of that voice. He sounded as though he were in
peril and needed help. Sirius had to find him. He had to. And
though he strained his eyes, he could see nothing.
"Moony!"
/i can't wake up/
It came from behind him.
Sirius spun around, still seeking him out. But when he turned, he
still saw the same row of headstones and nothing more. There was
nothing else to see.
But he knew that he had heard the voice.
The man took a deep breath and tried to still his frantic heart. His
reaction was not going to help matters. As a matter of fact,
panicking only seemed to make it worse. He had to think about this.
He had to be logical about what was going on even if this entire
scenario seemed impossible. He couldn't let his emotions blind him
and make this harder than it really was. If he was going to find
Remus, he had to be calm and rational.
Wherever Remus was, he sounded far away. His voice had been quiet and
distant. So perhaps it stood to reason that he was far away... But if
Sirius couldn't see Remus, how could Remus see Sirius to call out to
him? Then again, Sirius had been calling to him... But what he had
said made no sense. The logical things like, "Sirius, I'm over here!"
or "Help me!" or even "What the hell took you so long, you git?" were
not uttered. It had been replaced with different words. Words that
made no sense. Words that...
Sirius eyes widened as his eyes rested on the gravestones that
surrounded him. And under those gravestones were the silent dead, his
only company. But were those dead really so silent?
For Remus' words had been muffled. As if said from underground.
Sirius eyes locked onto the hunk of stone that he had tripped over.
All thoughts of sagacity were dashed like dust on the wind as his pale
eyes ran over the words on the rock. And before he could stop himself
from doing so, a scream of absolute horror and sorrow erupted from
his throat and his knees gave way. He was now face to face with words
that he had always dreaded without knowing it.
___________________________
Remus J. Lupin
"Moony"
1960 - 1995
The Lone Wolf Is At Peace
___________________________
Who had written that? Who had decided that those awful, unfitting
words would be what the living were supposed to remember him by?
Remus had never been a lone wolf... Not after meeting Sirius and the
rest. They had never let him be that way. And though James was dead
and Peter was a traitor, he still had Sirius! And he knew that! He
never would have wanted those words to be his epitaph!
And he was not at peace... The dead were never at peace.
/save me/
Sirius was jerked out of these thoughts by that awful voice again.
He bent over the headstone, knowing now that the voice was coming from
underground... Remus was trapped. Maybe he wasn't really dead. Maybe
there had been some kind of horrible mistake. He was calling to him,
crying out for help. He couldn't help himself, trapped in that
coffin. Perhaps he was clawing out at the surface, bloodying his
hands and ripping his nails out in desperation to get out. He might
have been kicking his feet, struggling to break through the wooden
prison. Maybe he was struggling for air, for there was only so much
down there that he could use. And maybe he was remembering those
awful nightmares about being caught by hunters and caged. Caged
because he was something that he had never asked for and could not
control. And caged unnecessarily because of how unlike he was from
the monster within him. Just as Remus had told him when he was
trapped in that closet.
Sirius had let him out once. And he would do it again.
"I'm coming, Moony." Sirius said softly as he moved forward, digging
his hands into the lose dirt and pushing it out and away from the
grave. "I won't let it end like this."
/trapped in the dark/
Sirius' heart constricted as he heard another voice, one much younger,
saying those exact words in his mind. "I'm always trapped in the
dark..." He had said. "I can't see anything, but I always know where
I am. In a cage where the bars burn. I think maybe it's made of
silver."
"I won't let it end like this!" Sirius repeated as he continued
frantically digging. His adrenaline was zipping through his body,
making him move a lot faster than he normally would have been able to.
He began to send the dirt flying around him, creating two piles on
either side of him. He was having distinct trouble filling his lungs
with air, as if maybe he too only had a certain amount of oxygen to
breathe. He gulped it down like water on a hot summer's die and kept
digging. He briefly thought of changing into Padfoot, but that would
have taken focus and concentration that he could not muster. And it
would have taken time that he did not want to waste.
So he just continued digging.
For a man, he dug quite quickly. It was of course thanks to being a
dog Animagus, and he was once again grateful for Fate's selection of
his canine form. It had proved more than useful several times.
Sirius knew that he was making progress. He wasn't sure how deep had
dug now. He didn't want to look away and break his rhythm that was
fueled by adrenaline and desperation.
Remus had used to write fiction as a kid. Sirius didn't know if he
had continued the past time, but he did remember what the boy had
used to tell him. Writing was not something you could force yourself
to do. It took a hold of you. It told you when you would write, how
you would write, and what you would write. And you couldn't stop once
it did grip you in it's gentle fist. If you did stop, it would
release you. You would break your flow and you would end up staring
at a blank page for hours, willing it to come back.
So he couldn't stop.
/without a thought/
Or rather he wouldn't stop. He wasn't about to let Remus remain down
there in this new manifestation of the nightmares that had recurred in
his sleep during his childhood and young adulthood. Nightmares that
may have continued now.
If Sirius could he would bear that man's nightmares as well as his
own. He would deal with Remus's fear of himself and his fate as well
as Sirius's terror of returning to Azkaban one day. Or worse,
receiving the Kiss. He would even live the other man's pain to spare
him. He was tired of watching the weak looking man suffer needlessly.
/without a voice/
He wanted to help him.
"I have to keep digging..."
He wanted to hear his voice without the dirt and would to impede it.
"I can't stop..."
He wanted to see him.
"I have to do this..."
He wanted to hold him.
"I can't let this happen."
His fingernails scraped against the grain of the wood.
/without a soul/
"Moony!"
Sirius pushed away the rest of the dirt from the casket, only just now
realizing that he had dug himself into quite a hole. He didn't care.
He just had to get Remus out of the coffin. He could worry about the
other details later.
The dark haired man continued pushing the dirt out of the way, a man
possessed. He ignored the splinters embedded into his fingers and
once again did not take notice of any pain. He could see more and
more of the wood, mahogany perhaps. He felt around for hinges or a
way to open it. The entire casket was almost completely uncovered now
and he couldn't find a way to get it open.
He had to get it open. It had been so long. Remus couldn't breathe
in there. He was trapped. He was scared. He was dying.
Sirius couldn't let that happen.
/...don't let me die here.../
"I won't." Sirius hissed through clenched teeth and jaw. If he could
not open it with hinges and handles, he would use nails and fists. He
would break his way into that box before he left Remus in there to die
a harrowing death. As he had said so many times before, he would not,
could not let that happen.
So he did just as he promised himself and began to rip the wood apart
with his hands. He still did not let himself feel any pain, though
he saw his own blood spilling out and he felt the splinters, large and
small, enter his callused hands. He strained his muscles again the
stubborn encasement. He dug his nails into it and clawed, leaving
deep marks. He pounded upon it and prayed that he didn't hurt the man
inside.
He also prayed that the silence did not mean that he was too late.
Sirius continued to break into the casket, still taking huge gulps of
air. At long last, the wood seemed to begin to crack. And being who
he was and being as desperate as he was, Sirius did not let up because
he was making progress. Instead he only hit it harder and harder each
time his fists made contact with the wood until it splintered and
completely gave way.
He did not hesitate when it came to looking in. Sirius had to look
into the coffin and see Remus prematurely lined face, coughing and
gasping for air. He had to give him a hand to get him out of that
prison. He had to see him again. He had to see him all right again.
But this was not to be.
For the moment Sirius looked in, he did see Remus... He knew the man
all too well not to know that it was him when he saw him. But there
was something... wrong. The lines on his face stood out dark grey
from the rest, for the remainder was a ghoulish white. Every limb on
his body was slack and looked as if it had been placed where it was
with care by other hands. But the thing that stood out the most was
his eyes... They were open and they were amber... But lifeless.
"No..."
Remus wasn't blinking.
"This can't be happening..."
Remus wasn't moving.
"I didn't... You can't be..."
Remus wasn't breathing.
"No... No..."
Remus J. Lupin was dead.
"Moony!"
And the darkness closed in...
"PADFOOT!"
_______________________
Bring me to life
_______________________
Sirius's eyes flew open. And he wasn't in the graveyard.
He was lying on a bed somewhere. Most people wouldn't have thought
that it was the most comfortable thing in the world, but to a man who
had slept on rocks for the past year or so it was like sleeping on a
cloud. The room was dimly lit from a lamp somewhere, or maybe it was
a Lighting Charm. There wasn't much else in the room. It wasn't
lavishing decorated or heavily adorned. It had hard would floors, a
mahogany dresser, a mirror, and a man sitting on the edge of the bed
with a relieved look in his amber eyes.
"Remus?" Sirius breathed in shock, pushing himself up on his elbows.
The man moved closer to Sirius, a mirthless smile playing on his lips
and a hand to his graying temple. He surveyed Sirius for a moment and
then spoke. "Thank goodness you're awake. All of your yelling was
beginning to give him a headache." Suddenly the smile faded and the
hand was on Sirius's arm. His voice was concerned, all kidding put
aside for the time being. "Are you all right, Padfoot?"
Padfoot. He had called him Padfoot. He was blinking. He was moving.
He was breathing.
Remus J. Lupin was very much alive.
"A dream?" Sirius said softly, his voice croaking slightly. He really
had been screaming loudly. "It was all a dream? You're... You're
not..."
Remus smiled sympathetically, albeit slightly amused. "Yes, it was a
dream. Nightmare is more like it, truth be told. You've been
sleeping for awhile actually. You must have been too tired to keep
riding Buckbeak. You went down somewhere in the forest about half a
mile from my house. It was a good thing I was out walking or who
knows what would have happened to you? You know, some of us normal
people sleep when we get tired. I know, I know. It's quite an
unnatural concept for you, but you should really give it a shot more
often. And maybe, oh I don't know... Not pass out from exhaustion
miles above the Earth. Or you could at least shoot caffeine directly
into the vein. Coffee takes too long to kick in during times of
desperation, and why are you staring at me like that?" Remus was now
raising both of his eyebrows as he had never been able to lift just
one in order to give someone a dubious look.
Sirius just kept on staring. He wasn't dead. Remus was all right.
He wasn't dead because of Sirius. And that meant that only one
truthful thing had been said in the dream that had not already been
apparent.
"Erm..." Remus said uncomfortably, "Padfoot, I realize that... Well,
actually I don't realize anything. I'm entirely in the dark here. So
if you would be so-- oof!"
The comment about the dark had suddenly sent Sirius into a state. He
had tensed up once again and then swiftly launched himself at Remus,
embracing the man. He wondered if Remus could tell that he was
shaking. "You're all right." Sirius said aloud, just to make sure
that it was real. "You're not dead."
Remus then went rigid, at last understanding why his friend was acting
so strangely. He knew all too well how powerful and how very real
nightmares could be. He hugged the man back without question and
spoke to him softly. "No... No I'm not dead."
"I thought I lost you." Sirius said quietly, his eyes and throat
beginning to burn in a way that they hadn't done for nearly fifteen
years. "I thought I lost you, Moony.
"Never." Remus said, tightening his grip on the man. "You'll never
lose me..."
"How can you say that?"
Remus smiled again, in a very different way than his previous ones.
He paused only when he felt a hot droplet of water fall on to his
shoulder.
"Because I'd never go anywhere without you."
Sirius didn't say anything because there was nothing more to be said.
Some things didn't need words to make them real...
They didn't move for a very long time.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to that title, the band
Evanescence or the song "Bring Me to Life".
I decided I wanted to a song fic to an Evanescence song some time ago,
but I wasn't sure which song to use. I was however sure that I would
not use "Bring Me to Life" because of how much attention it was
getting. When overly popular songs have fics written to them, I tend
to roll my eyes and not even give it a chance. Otherwise it seems
that the person isn't really a fan of the music, they're just
following the current trend. So I looked to the others and tried to
find something really good, but all in vain.
Then I was up late listening to the CD late one night, and for some
reason I had this urge to listen to the second track over and over
again. I did, and fell asleep with it playing and woke up to it
playing some time later. And upon awakening, I suddenly had the image
of Sirius frantically digging up Remus' grave. And so that is how
this came to be.
1/1
by Kihin Ranno
goddess_branwen@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/kihin_ranno/
PG-13
______________________________
How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
______________________________
He was standing in the middle of a sea of nothingness. He could not
even say that he was surrounded by the dark, or the color black, or
mist and fog; the normal things one associates when standing
somewhere in which there was nothing. But no, Sirius could not even
describe what lay around him now. None of the aforementioned things
was there. Nothing was there. It was something that lacked so much
in everything and anything that he could not even put a name to it.
Save one.
Sirius tried to look around and see if there were anything there, but
he was only confronted with more indefinable nonentity. He squinted
his eyes to see if he could make out anything, give something a name,
but he could not. He felt a lump form in his throat, but he did not
fight it down, swallow it, or even acknowledge it's presence. He just
let it remain there, too tired to remove it and too like his
surroundings to care.
Finally, he resigned himself to the fact that he was in an unknown
location... Possibly even in a place that didn't truly exist. If that
even made sense. After all, how could one be in a place that wasn't
real? How could a person live in an entirely fabricated world of
illusion? The only way a person could be there is if the person in
question had never been real to begin with.
That was an interesting theory... Could a life be created in such
great detail that it brought them into existence? That it made them
real? There was a Greek legend about a sculptor by the name of
Pygmalion. He had an unexplained contempt for women because of their
imperfections. So deep was his hatred, that he sought to fix his
problem by creating to perfect women out of ivory. As expected,
Pygmalion's hate for women dissolved upon completion, or at least
enough for him to love Galatea, the name he had given his precious
statue. The Goddess of Love, Aphrodite, took notice of this and
breathed into the statue, giving it life through Pygmalion's kiss.
And then she existed when she hadn't before.
So could it be possible to create something and give it life? And if
it were not human, not really anyway, how would it die? Would it
cease to exist when it's creator did? And were they cast off into a
world of nothingness that was somehow unreal, for they themselves
weren't real either?
Sirius was surprised he wasn't getting a headache. Greek myths had
never been his favorite subject.
The dark haired man sighed, running a hand through said locks,
resigning himself to the fact that he was stuck here for at least a
little while. He wanted to sit down, but he wasn't entirely sure if
there was a floor. Of course, then it would have been impossible for
him to stand, but he wasn't sure if he was standing either. He could
not be sure of anything in this void.
He paused now, not that he had been doing anything he could take a
break from but still, and narrowed his pale eyes in retrospection.
Where had he been last anyway? He had just flown Buckbeak from
Arabella Figg's... He had been flying when he had been unable to go
on. He had collapsed on Buckbeak and the hippogriff had begun to
descend. Sirius had felt that before allowing sleep to take hold of
him completely. The last thing he remembered was a voice... A kind
voice... A voice that called him a name other than the one his mother
gave him...
Padfoot.
Sirius blinked once, twice, three times as the information registered
in his brain. Only one person called him that now. The other two
were gone as one was dead and the other was dead to him though he
still breathed and walked the earth, soiling even the dirtiest ground
with his touch. And only one person was that kind. Only one person
would not have run away screaming at the sight of a convicted
murderer. Only one person could lift him off of a screaming Buckbeak
and hold him completely uninhibited. Only one person would carry him
back to his home without a second thought. Only one person loved him
enough to do all that and call him by his childhood name.
Remus J. Lupin. Moony.
Sirius began running forward, at least he thought he was. His feet
were moving and he knew he should be getting him somewhere, but they
didn't seem to touch the ground. And he didn't seem to be moving, but
it was hard to tell in the vast chasm or whatever it was. Sirius took
a deep breath and spoke, his voice hoarse and dry for some reason.
He had forgotten about the lump that still hung heavily in his throat.
"Moony!" He called out with some sort of indefinable emotion. He
could not label it any more than he could give his location a name.
"Remus!" He cried, looking around for the thin man who looked older
than he was with the eyes of an animal but the heart of something far
superior to a man. He searched for a flash of grey and brown that was
his friend's hair that threatened to fall past his shoulders one of
these days. He listened for the quiet laugh that was never full, for
the man always had a sadness hanging over him as the moon was always
hanging over him. He even craned his ears for a howl, if it was that
time.
But he heard as much as he saw. Nothing.
If Remus was around, he wasn't answering him. Though Sirius thought
this must mean that Remus was not there. The man would never ignore
him. Especially since the last time they had seen each other was the
bittersweet reunion in the Shrieking Shack and the subsequent
adventures that followed. He knew that his old friend missed him.
They were all each other had any more. The last remnants of the once
great Marauders.
But why would he not be there? Wherever this place was, surely Remus
must be here too. He had brought him somewhere... Though why the man
would bring him here to this land that did not exist in reality was a
mystery to the Animagus. He wondered where Remus was if not here. He
also wistfully wondered how he had escaped.
Sirius frowned suddenly, his old Auror instincts suddenly deciding to
break through the haze of his mind. He tensed as he now pondered if
Remus had brought him here... His confidant had been carrying him,
probably haphazardly as Sirius was a few inches taller than the former
Professor to say the very least. Buckbeak was making enough noise to
raise the dead. Perhaps Sirius had been followed... Perhaps he and
Remus had been taken. Perhaps the Death Eaters had thrown them into
this nothing world.
Perhaps the reason why Remus didn't answer was because he couldn't
answer.
Sirius paled, though no one was able to see how white he was. If they
had, they probably would have thought that he had suddenly died and
had miraculously managed to remain upright. The blood suddenly rushed
down to his legs and he was running again, but not getting anywhere.
He was also screaming again, but it seemed that no one heard him.
"Remus!" Sirius called frantically, the lump in his throat now
shriveling up due to his panic. He pumped his legs harder, but felt
that it was now making the situation worse. He sensed that he was
moving backwards, the opposite of what he wished to do. He growled in
a voice that sounded very much like something other than a human and
much more canine and ground his teeth. He continued screaming for his
friend, using every name that he had ever been referred to by in his
life... Save the hateful ones.
After what seemed like an eternity of running forwards yet moving in
the wrong direction in the empty space, Sirius squinted his face up
and shouted at the top of his voice, shattering his vocal cords which
were already burning. "Damn it Moony, answer me!"
And just then, he felt it. He felt ground beneath him as it came up
under him without so much as a sound. Sirius was taken off guard and
pitched forward. He grunted with the impact, shutting his eyes. And
before he opened them again, he knew that something more had changed.
He knew he would see something in front of him, though he had no idea
what...
Yet he knew that he wasn't too keen on looking.
Even so, Sirius Black was many things, including impulsive, reckless,
and proud. He was a Gryffindor, the house of the brave. He would not
show fear in any situation. He could not, by his own personal code of
honor, keep his eyes shut. So he opened them... And quickly wished
that he had been sorted into Hufflepuff so he could be afraid without
reservation.
Sirius found himself staring into a pair of eyes... One was sold black
and the other entirely white. The man somehow new that those eyes
were locked with his own, though it was hard to tell given the
appearance of them. He felt like there was something deeply wise and
magical in those eyes despite how blanked they looked. And he knew
that they weren't just looking at him... They were looking into him.
They were looking into his eyes and somehow seeing down to his very
soul. They saw both the light and the dark in him, and they took it
in stride, quickly moving on to the next thing. Sirius knew he should
have found it unsettling to have someone look into him like this and
see all of what made Sirius Black what he was... But he wasn't. He
wondered how, as any man would have done, and he was by no means
comfortable with having all of him exposed to this person. But he did
not feel fear from this aspect of the situation.
He slowly began to study the person's other features, trying to ignore
the feeling that he was lying naked in the cold snow... A young face,
covered in lines from stress and worry, as if he had to deal with too
much at a young age and had paid the price for it. His hair was brown
but not without grey streaks, also from either too much stress or too
much fear. Fear of what, Sirius did not know, but somehow he felt it
was the latter. The man, for it was a man, had a small build and
looked as though a stiff wind could have easily knocked him over. Yet
Sirius also knew that this man possessed a strength to be reckoned
with and his frail appearance made him that much more dangerous to
foes. He was dressed in white, tattered robes, with tears in the
fabric...
And then Sirius realized that this was no man.
He bared his teeth to the Azkaban escapee and the darker man saw that
they were lengthened and sharp. They were made to tear into flesh,
rip away muscle, and crush bone as if it was plaster. And they did
not gleam by any means... They were dirty, and had a reddish tinge.
His ears were larger than most, and pointed at the ends. His nails
were also made to do no less than moderate damage to the human person,
and they did not seem the natural color for a human. But the biggest
clue to what he was, or rather what he was not, was the wings
protruding his back. One was perfect, gleaming white and unfurled.
This was on the same side as the black eye. The other was severely
damaged and crippled. It was caked in dry blood and was losing more
feathers each time he so much as twitched.
And then Sirius realized that this was no stranger.
"Moony..."
__________________________________
Without my soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there
And lead it back home
__________________________________
Remus stared down at him, never once breaking eye contact. However,
when he heard Sirius say his name, the name that he himself had given
him in his Second Year when he had learned of Remus' true nature, he
blinked. And with that simple movement, Sirius felt him retreat out
of his soul. He could no longer see all of what he was.
But he still knew. Nothing could change that.
The man yet not a man did not develop any type of expression. He
stood over Sirius, looming over him as never before. He did not drop
the man's gaze and he made no move to help him up. And now Sirius
doubted he would have wanted his help.
"Moony..." Sirius repeated softly, "What... What's going on? What
happened to you?"
Remus' expression did not change. And what's more is his mouth did
not move. Yet Sirius heard his voice as plain as if he had done so.
/You./
Sirius balked, backing up a little but making no move to get up off of
the ground. He stared up at his friend, trying desperately to look
away from his eyes. His eyes were now so deeply frightening when
they had once been warm and gentle. Eyes that had once been so
beautiful that were now far too sinister looking to be appealing to
anyone but a Death Eater. Sirius' own pale eyes were wide as he
fought to rip his gaze away to no avail. "What do you mean?"
/You did this to me./ Remus responded, still not moving his lips.
Sirius tensed, his entire body going absolutely rigid. If he had
paled severely before, his face was even whiter now. His mouth hung
open in shock, though it made several tiny movements to show that
Sirius was attempting to speak, but that fight was going down along
with the one to look away.
He had done this? He had done this to his best friend? No. No he
couldn't have possibly done this. How would he have gone about it?
He had no knowledge of whatever magic had done this to him... He had
never before heard of such a thing happening before. Never in all of
his life had he seen anything like this. It was an entirely
unprecedented sight... But that wasn't even the point! He would
never, ever have done anything like this to Remus. He would smack him
upside the head if he got too annoying. He would playfully tackle him
if his teasing had reached the point where it was permissible. But it
was all in jest...
Most of the things Sirius did were out of love for a man who was like
a brother to him in all but blood. He would comfort him the morning
after the full moon. He would be there for him during the
transformation where his bones were broken and reformed in an
agonizing process Sirius knew he never would have been able to handle.
He listened when Remus told him of his childhood, which had never been
happy or pleasant until Hogwarts. He reminisced about the old days
and all the pranks they had pulled together. He even held the man
when his strength failed him and he had to sob at the cruelty of the
world and the unfairness of fate. Or he had done this when he had
been able to. Before his own life was torn away from him, he had done
all of these things without question. And he would do them again if
he were given the chance.
He could never hurt Remus. Not even if he tried.
"But..." Sirius croaked, slowly started to regain the ability of
human communication. "I would never... Moony..."
/You did this to me./ Remus repeated.
"No." Sirius insisted, shaking his head desperately. "No. I didn't."
/You did this to me./
"Stop saying that!" Sirius snapped, realizing he was sounding a little
off his head. "I could never hurt you. Never!"
/This does hurt./ Remus said without speaking. /And you did it to me./
"Remus!" Sirius shouted frantically. "No! You're like my brother.
My best friend. You're all I have left... We're the last of the four!
I would never do anything to hurt you! You've been hurt enough!"
/You hurt James and Lily./ Remus intoned, his voice sounding grave.
Sirius' white pallor suddenly turned red. He balled up his hands into
fists as he felt his temper rising and his emotions flying out of
control. If he had any more tears to cry, they would have been
streaming down his cheeks at that very moment. But they had dried out
after his first month in Azkaban, where he had done nothing but sob.
After that, he had never cried again.
The man's frame shook with emotion as he ground out. "Shut up... Don't
say that. Don't you ever say that."
/I speak nothing but the truth./ Remus said. /You hurt them. You
killed them./
"Damn you!" Sirius shouted, pounding his fists on the ground beneath
him, still situated on the ground. "I know that! I know that I
murdered them! I'm as good as an accomplice to that rat! But don't
you say that I hurt you too. Don't you ever say that! And don't tell
me what I already know!"
/You must be told. You must be reminded. And you must be told of
what you did to me./
"Nothing!" Sirius screamed in agony. "I didn't do anything to you!"
/Exactly./
"What?" Sirius breathed in exasperation. "You're talking in riddles."
/You hurt me by doing nothing./ Remus spoke, moving his good wing.
/You did nothing and so I am this way./
Sirius hung his head, gasping for air and trembling still. He dug his
fingernails into his palms, leaving half moon indents in the skin.
His knuckles were white Remus' left eye and an old, dirty cut on one
of them reopened. "What way?"
/Dead./
_________________________________
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
_________________________________
Sirius stopped shaking.
/Dead./
He stopped thinking.
/Dead./
He stopped moving.
/Dead./
He stopped feeling.
/Dead./
And for a moment, he even stopped breathing.
/Dead./
This wasn't happening. This couldn't possibly be happening. Remus
wasn't dead. He couldn't die! He was practically immortal! Only
silver could kill him. He could be harmed, he could feel pain, and
he would eventually come to the end of his life... But he could only
be killed with silver. And he was saying that Sirius had done him in
just like James and Lily. But he couldn't have. Not without silver.
Remus wasn't dead. This was some kind of horrible joke he'd
constructed. He had never had the best sense of humor in the world.
Any minute now, he would take out the contacts and break into a smile,
apologizing for his poor choice of a welcome and embrace him as they
had in the Shrieking Shack.
Yes, that was it. This was all some kind of bad joke. All Sirius had
to do was wait for the punch line.
He waited.
/This is real Sirius./
There was no punch line.
"No..." Sirius said softly. "No..." Maybe if he kept saying no, it
would undo whatever had already been done. The power of the word was
stronger than most people thought. It took words to bring forth the
magic. Words could soothe and insight rage faster than any other
force in nature. And in Muggle lore, God created the world with a few
words. If he kept saying it wasn't true, maybe it would change it.
/Deny it all you like./ Remus said. /It will not change the truth.
It does not alter history if you refuse to acknowledge it. It just
makes you ignorant./
"No..." He repeated, refusing to give up on his theory.
/Yes./ Remus insisted. /I am dead, Sirius. I am dead and you killed
me. Just like Lily and James./
"I couldn't hurt you..." Sirius said, saying the most truthful thing
that he could fully believe. He could never hurt Remus. He'd sooner
cut off his wand arm. He would rather do anything than hurt him or
see him hurt. Anything.
/But you did. Without intent, but you need no intent to do harm./
"You're not dead." Sirius insisted.
/I am. The place we are in now is where the dead go when they die.
This is no heaven that foolish idealists hope for nor is it hell that
equally foolish cowards fear above all things. There is but one land
where the dead dwell and this is it./ He gestured his hand to his
right, his eyes still on Sirius.
/To the east there is an ocean of blood, filled with people that
split blood when they died. Those that died in battle dwell there.
Those that were murdered violently dwell there. Those that were
killed accidentally dwell there. And in that sea of endless crimson
they must swim for all time. They cannot come up for air. They
cannot catch a glimpse of the blue sky above it. They cannot even see
what else swims around them for the blood is too murky. They simply
swim./
Blood... An ocean of blood. The place where warriors go. Sirius felt
his heart beat painfully in his chest as he thought of all of the men
and women he knew that swam in those depths or would some day. He had
known so many that had died in battle. He had seen so many lost blood
and die. And with the return of Voldemort, there would be more. Many
more.
Too many.
/To the west is a forest filled with misery. In that place dwells
people who lived lives of pain and sorrow. They ended them of their
own accord in various ways... And all of those ways are available in
those woods. Nooses hang from tree branches. Knives sprout up where
flowers should be. And everything in there that is edible is poison
that kills slowly and does not go quietly. They cannot escape for the
trees are too dense. And one never hears a sound uttered from within
it. No one wails or cries out for help... They are beyond help. And
they do no want to be saved./
A forest of suicides... He had known Aurors that could not handle the
life. it had been a bloody one, and one that required more strength
than most men had. Many of them could not go on. Many of them gave
up.
Sirius had always been too proud for that. He was glad of it.
/To the north,/ Remus continued, /there is a path. It does not stop.
It does not begin. It does not lead anywhere. It simply goes on and
on. On that road walk those that died of illness. Those that
strived to get well and walk among the populous as healthy men but
never made it. They walked down a never ending path in life, and so
they will in death... They are not well. They are all weak for their
illness was never cured. But they cannot rest. They cannot sit down
or pause for breath. They must walk on in constant agony forever./
The path of most resistance is what those poor souls walked. Their
deaths had not been their fault. Their illnesses had not been
something that could have prevented, but still they suffered. The
wicked walked alongside the righteous and endured the same cruel fate.
There was no redemption here. There was no escape. There was no
mercy, no forgiveness, no benevolence. There was only strife.
This place was worse than hell.
/The south is where the other members of the death parade reside.
They are the ones who simply died. No real reason or explanation
other than it was their time. There is nothing special about this
land. They dwell in shadows, forever concealed from everyone. They
are even concealed from themselves. For they did not die in any way
of importance. There is no need for them to be sorted or have
distinction. And when they go there, they remember nothing. They do
not even know their own name./
This place was far worse than hell.
"My God..." Sirius breathed without thinking, all of this information
being too much to bear. This world that he found himself in was more
awful than anything he could have ever imagined. All the dead
suffered no matter what they had done in life. No matter whom they
had been or how good a person they were, it didn't matter. For they
all suffered the same destiny. And some of them didn't even know
there was anything but the torturous existence for they had no memory
of what had been before. It was all so very unfair... And so awful.
/There is no God./ Remus said in a scornful tone, the most emotion he
had shown since Sirius had arrived. /God is nothing more than a myth
that the people created to overcome their fear of death. That was
even more foolish. For death should be feared as death entails
living here. It was meant to be feared, not regarded as the next
great adventure./
Sirius flinched as Remus took Albus Dumbledore's words and used them
to scorn. And he flinched more as he remembered where he was. As he
remembered what his friend claimed.
He was dead. He was dead because of Sirius.
And suddenly it all hit him like a tidal wave of water from the
Arctic. There was no Remus J. Lupin. There was no Moony. That
person was gone forever. There would be no more moonlight
transformations. There would be no bull sessions about the old days.
There would be no more duels with one of them acting as the other's
second. There would be no more playful fights and not so playful
fights. There would be no more arguing. There would be no more
making up. There would be no one to talk to. No one to look forward
to seeing after so long. No one to think about first thing in the
morning and last thing at night. No one to worry about every time the
full moon rose. No one to go back to. There would be no one.
And it was all his fault.
________________________________________
Frozen inside
Without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
________________________________________
/Do you understand?/
Sirius looked up at his friend, or what had been his friend, in
anguish. He wanted to scream at him for saying these things. He
wanted to pound the ground with his fists in frustration. He wanted
to beg him for forgiveness and be granted salvation, though he knew
now that there was no such place. He had been in the place where that
dwelled before. The place that did not exist.
/You disappeared for so long. You never wrote. You never visited.
You never made any attempt to contact me./
"I... I was on my way..." Sirius said feebly.
/You were too late. And you fell before you reached my home. You
fell and thus you did not see me before my death. Perhaps if you had
been there, things would have been different... But that is not the
issue at hand./
Sirius felt his heart break again and again and the sound of his voice
in his ears. It was so matter of fact, as it always was, but to hear
it now and having it say such things was gut wrenching. He couldn't
bear to hear it. He wanted to rip his ears off of his head just so he
could be deaf. He didn't want to hear this... he couldn't bear to.
"No..."
/Denial does nothing. Do no even try it./
Sirius shook his head, his emotions coming to a boil. He looked up at
Remus with a tormented expression marring his features. He shook his
head insistently and said. "You can't be dead. You're not in those
places. You're just standing before me! You're not dead!"
/I am of the fifth./ Remus said, not even so much as blinking at the
emotion Sirius showed him. The old Remus would have blanched at the
fury in his tone, but this one just stood there as if his old comrade
had made some blasé comment about the weather.
"The fifth what?" Sirius hissed.
/I am a wizard who died in very special circumstances. I am one of
those who wanders all of the lands looking like this. I died in such
a way that if angels existed, I would have easily become one. But as
angels to not exist, I became this./ He gestured to himself without
flourish. That at least was true to character. /A half angel. This
may just be what a fallen angel would look like. But I also have
demon characteristics... You can see the wolf in me now as plain as
day. But no one else can see it, the one happy thing this place has
to offer. Those of the fifth cannot be seen, not even by others like
me./
Sirius just stared at him for a while, unable to comprehend this. It
was maddening. He had not heard of any of this in any kind of lore.
All religions offered the possibility of a heaven and a hell. They
had not offered him this. And here Remus stood, explaining this dark
world to him like he was telling him the recipe for Devil's Food Cake.
He couldn't accept this. He couldn't retain this. He couldn't let
this be true.
"No." He said again, with more conviction than the last.
Remus ignored this. /Those of the fifth die with two words ringing in
their ears for all time. Those of the fifth are haunted by it. They
cannot escape the curse./
He couldn't let that be true.
"No!" He shouted, rising to his feet at last. He was still taller
than Remus in this realm, though he felt dwarfed by him now as never
before. His face was angry, denying all he had just heard. "You did
not die like that. You didn't!"
/I did./
"I didn't curse you!"
/You didn't curse James and Lily either. But we're all here because
of you./
"Stop saying that!"
/Why? Why should I stop telling you the truth?/
"It's a lie! You're not dead and I didn't kill you!"
/Yes. You did./
"No!"
/Stop saying that. It will do no good./
"I didn't kill you!"
/Do not lie to yourself. It only makes this harder on you./
"I reached you! I know I did! I heard your voice!"
/You imagined it. You wanted me to be there. But I was already dead.
That wish brought you here so that you would know of your sins./
"If there is no God, then there are no sins!"
/You did wrong. To sin is to do wrong./
"I did no wrong! I did no wrong! Not to you! Never to you!" Sirius
insisted, advancing on Remus. "Don't you understand? I would do
anything for you. Were there a hell, I would burn there for you.
I would slice off my arm if you lost your own. I would take in the
wolf if it would spare you from the hell you've been living for so
long. I would kill for you. I would die for you. I would even go
back to Azkaban for you! And I would never let you become this!
Damn it man, I love you!"
Remus blinked. The most reaction he had shown upon arrival.
Sirius did not blink. He merely stared, in shock at what he had just
said. And in even more shock of the mere fact that it was true.
He couldn't believe he had been so blind. He couldn't believe his own
stupidity that, if he had breathed to tell him so, Remus would have
commended him on. It was so obvious it had been easy to ignore, easy
to miss. But now Sirius knew it. Now he acknowledged it. Now he
embraced it.
Sirius Black was nothing with Remus Lupin. There would be no Padfoot
without Moony.
He couldn't live without him.
______________________________________
Wake me up inside
Call my name
And save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
______________________________________
Remus continued to look at him, his eyes of black and white locked
with Sirius' own. His face was a blank and revealed nothing of his
thoughts. The old Remus, the one Sirius knew far better than this
one, did have a tendency to mask his emotions around others. And in
his first year, he had hidden his pain from his three friends. But
after that, he had never hidden anything from them. He had worn his
heart on his sleeve with them because he trusted them above all else.
One should not have been trusted, and the other had not taken notice
of the change. But Sirius had seen it. Sirius had seen it and was
eternally grateful. Over the years he had gotten to know Moony better
than Prongs and Wormtail just by looking at his face. He saw how some
comments stung more than others. He saw him watch couples walk by
hand in hand wistfully, knowing he could never have that. He saw how
he watched animals run away from them, his face screwed up in pain at
just one more unfair thing that had been thrust upon him.
Sirius had always loved him. He had loved him like a brother that he
needed to protect and shield from the world because he had already
suffered so much at it's hands. It had always been noted that he and
James had been closer, but that did not mean that Remus was the odd
man out. They were all equally close, but the amount of times that
James and Sirius conspired together often masked that truth. No one
ever really knew that Remus was often the mastermind and the one that
made sure that there was no chance that they would be caught. Not
that it always worked, but he tried. They had all been a band of
Marauders. Forever and for always.
But at some point that brotherly love must have changed, for those
three words he had just spoken had not been said lightly. Sirius did
not know when nor did he know why. Now was not the time to think
about that.
He knew now that he could not continue living unless Remus was still
there. He had to change this. He didn't know how, but he had to
change this.
"You cannot be dead." Sirius insisted quietly. "I won't let you be
dead."
Remus said nothing. He didn't even move. Maybe he hadn't had a
chance to do so or maybe he didn't know how to respond. But suddenly,
fog rolled in from no where, separating the two of them.
Sirius could not see so much as a few centimeters in front of him.
He felt panicked, not knowing what had just happened but feeling that
it could not be... right. He held out his hands in front of him,
trying to find where Remus was but they held nothing by cold, wet air.
His anxiousness grew. Remus was no longer in front of him. So where
had he gone? Had something happened?
Sirius didn't know about that. All he knew was that he had to find
him.
So for a second time he ran forward, but this time he felt as if he
were getting somewhere. He felt himself moving forward, or to the
left and right, or even back where he had once came if he so desired.
He didn't know where he had gone, but Sirius had to find him. He
couldn't let it end this way. He couldn't lose him again. Not now.
"Moony!" Sirius called out frantically, using the nickname of old
without a thought. "Where are you? Moony!"
He didn't know where he was going.
"Moony!"
He didn't know what had happened to Remus.
"Damn it, answer me!"
He didn't know if he could change anything.
"You can't leave me like this!"
But he knew he had to try.
Suddenly he felt his knees run into something solid like stone. He
cried out and pitched forward, his face landing in what felt like a
mound of dirt. He didn't feel the pain, ignoring it or choosing not
to let it manifest. He slowly began to pick himself up off of the
ground. As he did so, he felt the clouds around him began to life and
he could see again...
It was night. A full moon. Had it been night before? He couldn't
remember... He hadn't been able to look at anything by Remus even
then. He couldn't remember if it had been night. He couldn't even
remember what had been there aside from Remus.
That didn't matter.
Still, this time Sirius took a look at his surroundings... And he felt
his broken heart being ripped to shreds. A cold, indescribable fear
quickly took hold of him. The trepidation was not only palpable, but
it was like a living, breathing entity that had made it's way into the
man's body. It could not be controlled, fought down, or ignored. It
was far too strong for such things. So instead, Sirius stood up,
looking out at the world around him, the weight of his terror
threatening to knock him down again. He was not sure what he should
do about it or what to do in spite of it. So he just stood there for
a minute and stared...
He stared out at the graveyard before him.
There was not even a remnant of the fog around him that in movies
always added to the cinematic mood. But this cemetery needed no
add-ons to make it all the more frightening. There was nothing
special about it, yet the fact that Sirius was in it was more than
enough to unsettle him, and that word was quite inappropriate for what
it did to him. There were no lightning flashes or thunder rumbling in
the distance. There was no din of the crickets chirping or wind
howling. There was not even the sound of Sirius' own breathing.
There was nothing around him but silence. And that alone was
deafening.
/wake me up/
Sirius tensed in shock, a shudder rippling through him. He knew that
voice. He had not heard that voice speak like that in so long. It
sounded real and full of emotion. It sounded frightened. It was
pleading, desperate. He had not heard that voice speak like that
since the time he had locked his best friend in a closet as a joke and
he had begged him to let him go, saying it reminded him too much of
the nightmares he had where he was in a cage. He had been crying.
Sirius had let him out.
"Remus..." Sirius breathed, shooting to his feet without hesitation.
He looked around frantically for Remus. Not the half angel, half
devil, have werewolf, half man that he had seen before. He sought the
real Remus; the one with a knowing smile, amber eyes, and tattered
brown robes. He had heard *his* voice, not that other one's.
"Remus!" He shouted at the top of his voice, whipping his head about
frantically for the speaker. The graveyard went on endlessly and
there were no large statues or mausoleums to hide in or behind. And
despite the fact that it was dark, the light of the full moon was kind
to him for once and allowed him to see everything as clearly as if it
had been daytime. He looked for a shadow. He looked for a movement.
He looked for a flash of brown.
But he saw nothing. It seemed as if he only had the dead for company.
Sirius moved around to in front of the gravestone, for that was what
it was that he had tripped over. He looked in front of him, still
looking for the owner of that voice. He sounded as though he were in
peril and needed help. Sirius had to find him. He had to. And
though he strained his eyes, he could see nothing.
"Moony!"
/i can't wake up/
It came from behind him.
Sirius spun around, still seeking him out. But when he turned, he
still saw the same row of headstones and nothing more. There was
nothing else to see.
But he knew that he had heard the voice.
The man took a deep breath and tried to still his frantic heart. His
reaction was not going to help matters. As a matter of fact,
panicking only seemed to make it worse. He had to think about this.
He had to be logical about what was going on even if this entire
scenario seemed impossible. He couldn't let his emotions blind him
and make this harder than it really was. If he was going to find
Remus, he had to be calm and rational.
Wherever Remus was, he sounded far away. His voice had been quiet and
distant. So perhaps it stood to reason that he was far away... But if
Sirius couldn't see Remus, how could Remus see Sirius to call out to
him? Then again, Sirius had been calling to him... But what he had
said made no sense. The logical things like, "Sirius, I'm over here!"
or "Help me!" or even "What the hell took you so long, you git?" were
not uttered. It had been replaced with different words. Words that
made no sense. Words that...
Sirius eyes widened as his eyes rested on the gravestones that
surrounded him. And under those gravestones were the silent dead, his
only company. But were those dead really so silent?
For Remus' words had been muffled. As if said from underground.
Sirius eyes locked onto the hunk of stone that he had tripped over.
All thoughts of sagacity were dashed like dust on the wind as his pale
eyes ran over the words on the rock. And before he could stop himself
from doing so, a scream of absolute horror and sorrow erupted from
his throat and his knees gave way. He was now face to face with words
that he had always dreaded without knowing it.
___________________________
Remus J. Lupin
"Moony"
1960 - 1995
The Lone Wolf Is At Peace
___________________________
Who had written that? Who had decided that those awful, unfitting
words would be what the living were supposed to remember him by?
Remus had never been a lone wolf... Not after meeting Sirius and the
rest. They had never let him be that way. And though James was dead
and Peter was a traitor, he still had Sirius! And he knew that! He
never would have wanted those words to be his epitaph!
And he was not at peace... The dead were never at peace.
/save me/
Sirius was jerked out of these thoughts by that awful voice again.
He bent over the headstone, knowing now that the voice was coming from
underground... Remus was trapped. Maybe he wasn't really dead. Maybe
there had been some kind of horrible mistake. He was calling to him,
crying out for help. He couldn't help himself, trapped in that
coffin. Perhaps he was clawing out at the surface, bloodying his
hands and ripping his nails out in desperation to get out. He might
have been kicking his feet, struggling to break through the wooden
prison. Maybe he was struggling for air, for there was only so much
down there that he could use. And maybe he was remembering those
awful nightmares about being caught by hunters and caged. Caged
because he was something that he had never asked for and could not
control. And caged unnecessarily because of how unlike he was from
the monster within him. Just as Remus had told him when he was
trapped in that closet.
Sirius had let him out once. And he would do it again.
"I'm coming, Moony." Sirius said softly as he moved forward, digging
his hands into the lose dirt and pushing it out and away from the
grave. "I won't let it end like this."
/trapped in the dark/
Sirius' heart constricted as he heard another voice, one much younger,
saying those exact words in his mind. "I'm always trapped in the
dark..." He had said. "I can't see anything, but I always know where
I am. In a cage where the bars burn. I think maybe it's made of
silver."
"I won't let it end like this!" Sirius repeated as he continued
frantically digging. His adrenaline was zipping through his body,
making him move a lot faster than he normally would have been able to.
He began to send the dirt flying around him, creating two piles on
either side of him. He was having distinct trouble filling his lungs
with air, as if maybe he too only had a certain amount of oxygen to
breathe. He gulped it down like water on a hot summer's die and kept
digging. He briefly thought of changing into Padfoot, but that would
have taken focus and concentration that he could not muster. And it
would have taken time that he did not want to waste.
So he just continued digging.
For a man, he dug quite quickly. It was of course thanks to being a
dog Animagus, and he was once again grateful for Fate's selection of
his canine form. It had proved more than useful several times.
Sirius knew that he was making progress. He wasn't sure how deep had
dug now. He didn't want to look away and break his rhythm that was
fueled by adrenaline and desperation.
Remus had used to write fiction as a kid. Sirius didn't know if he
had continued the past time, but he did remember what the boy had
used to tell him. Writing was not something you could force yourself
to do. It took a hold of you. It told you when you would write, how
you would write, and what you would write. And you couldn't stop once
it did grip you in it's gentle fist. If you did stop, it would
release you. You would break your flow and you would end up staring
at a blank page for hours, willing it to come back.
So he couldn't stop.
/without a thought/
Or rather he wouldn't stop. He wasn't about to let Remus remain down
there in this new manifestation of the nightmares that had recurred in
his sleep during his childhood and young adulthood. Nightmares that
may have continued now.
If Sirius could he would bear that man's nightmares as well as his
own. He would deal with Remus's fear of himself and his fate as well
as Sirius's terror of returning to Azkaban one day. Or worse,
receiving the Kiss. He would even live the other man's pain to spare
him. He was tired of watching the weak looking man suffer needlessly.
/without a voice/
He wanted to help him.
"I have to keep digging..."
He wanted to hear his voice without the dirt and would to impede it.
"I can't stop..."
He wanted to see him.
"I have to do this..."
He wanted to hold him.
"I can't let this happen."
His fingernails scraped against the grain of the wood.
/without a soul/
"Moony!"
Sirius pushed away the rest of the dirt from the casket, only just now
realizing that he had dug himself into quite a hole. He didn't care.
He just had to get Remus out of the coffin. He could worry about the
other details later.
The dark haired man continued pushing the dirt out of the way, a man
possessed. He ignored the splinters embedded into his fingers and
once again did not take notice of any pain. He could see more and
more of the wood, mahogany perhaps. He felt around for hinges or a
way to open it. The entire casket was almost completely uncovered now
and he couldn't find a way to get it open.
He had to get it open. It had been so long. Remus couldn't breathe
in there. He was trapped. He was scared. He was dying.
Sirius couldn't let that happen.
/...don't let me die here.../
"I won't." Sirius hissed through clenched teeth and jaw. If he could
not open it with hinges and handles, he would use nails and fists. He
would break his way into that box before he left Remus in there to die
a harrowing death. As he had said so many times before, he would not,
could not let that happen.
So he did just as he promised himself and began to rip the wood apart
with his hands. He still did not let himself feel any pain, though
he saw his own blood spilling out and he felt the splinters, large and
small, enter his callused hands. He strained his muscles again the
stubborn encasement. He dug his nails into it and clawed, leaving
deep marks. He pounded upon it and prayed that he didn't hurt the man
inside.
He also prayed that the silence did not mean that he was too late.
Sirius continued to break into the casket, still taking huge gulps of
air. At long last, the wood seemed to begin to crack. And being who
he was and being as desperate as he was, Sirius did not let up because
he was making progress. Instead he only hit it harder and harder each
time his fists made contact with the wood until it splintered and
completely gave way.
He did not hesitate when it came to looking in. Sirius had to look
into the coffin and see Remus prematurely lined face, coughing and
gasping for air. He had to give him a hand to get him out of that
prison. He had to see him again. He had to see him all right again.
But this was not to be.
For the moment Sirius looked in, he did see Remus... He knew the man
all too well not to know that it was him when he saw him. But there
was something... wrong. The lines on his face stood out dark grey
from the rest, for the remainder was a ghoulish white. Every limb on
his body was slack and looked as if it had been placed where it was
with care by other hands. But the thing that stood out the most was
his eyes... They were open and they were amber... But lifeless.
"No..."
Remus wasn't blinking.
"This can't be happening..."
Remus wasn't moving.
"I didn't... You can't be..."
Remus wasn't breathing.
"No... No..."
Remus J. Lupin was dead.
"Moony!"
And the darkness closed in...
"PADFOOT!"
_______________________
Bring me to life
_______________________
Sirius's eyes flew open. And he wasn't in the graveyard.
He was lying on a bed somewhere. Most people wouldn't have thought
that it was the most comfortable thing in the world, but to a man who
had slept on rocks for the past year or so it was like sleeping on a
cloud. The room was dimly lit from a lamp somewhere, or maybe it was
a Lighting Charm. There wasn't much else in the room. It wasn't
lavishing decorated or heavily adorned. It had hard would floors, a
mahogany dresser, a mirror, and a man sitting on the edge of the bed
with a relieved look in his amber eyes.
"Remus?" Sirius breathed in shock, pushing himself up on his elbows.
The man moved closer to Sirius, a mirthless smile playing on his lips
and a hand to his graying temple. He surveyed Sirius for a moment and
then spoke. "Thank goodness you're awake. All of your yelling was
beginning to give him a headache." Suddenly the smile faded and the
hand was on Sirius's arm. His voice was concerned, all kidding put
aside for the time being. "Are you all right, Padfoot?"
Padfoot. He had called him Padfoot. He was blinking. He was moving.
He was breathing.
Remus J. Lupin was very much alive.
"A dream?" Sirius said softly, his voice croaking slightly. He really
had been screaming loudly. "It was all a dream? You're... You're
not..."
Remus smiled sympathetically, albeit slightly amused. "Yes, it was a
dream. Nightmare is more like it, truth be told. You've been
sleeping for awhile actually. You must have been too tired to keep
riding Buckbeak. You went down somewhere in the forest about half a
mile from my house. It was a good thing I was out walking or who
knows what would have happened to you? You know, some of us normal
people sleep when we get tired. I know, I know. It's quite an
unnatural concept for you, but you should really give it a shot more
often. And maybe, oh I don't know... Not pass out from exhaustion
miles above the Earth. Or you could at least shoot caffeine directly
into the vein. Coffee takes too long to kick in during times of
desperation, and why are you staring at me like that?" Remus was now
raising both of his eyebrows as he had never been able to lift just
one in order to give someone a dubious look.
Sirius just kept on staring. He wasn't dead. Remus was all right.
He wasn't dead because of Sirius. And that meant that only one
truthful thing had been said in the dream that had not already been
apparent.
"Erm..." Remus said uncomfortably, "Padfoot, I realize that... Well,
actually I don't realize anything. I'm entirely in the dark here. So
if you would be so-- oof!"
The comment about the dark had suddenly sent Sirius into a state. He
had tensed up once again and then swiftly launched himself at Remus,
embracing the man. He wondered if Remus could tell that he was
shaking. "You're all right." Sirius said aloud, just to make sure
that it was real. "You're not dead."
Remus then went rigid, at last understanding why his friend was acting
so strangely. He knew all too well how powerful and how very real
nightmares could be. He hugged the man back without question and
spoke to him softly. "No... No I'm not dead."
"I thought I lost you." Sirius said quietly, his eyes and throat
beginning to burn in a way that they hadn't done for nearly fifteen
years. "I thought I lost you, Moony.
"Never." Remus said, tightening his grip on the man. "You'll never
lose me..."
"How can you say that?"
Remus smiled again, in a very different way than his previous ones.
He paused only when he felt a hot droplet of water fall on to his
shoulder.
"Because I'd never go anywhere without you."
Sirius didn't say anything because there was nothing more to be said.
Some things didn't need words to make them real...
They didn't move for a very long time.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to that title, the band
Evanescence or the song "Bring Me to Life".
I decided I wanted to a song fic to an Evanescence song some time ago,
but I wasn't sure which song to use. I was however sure that I would
not use "Bring Me to Life" because of how much attention it was
getting. When overly popular songs have fics written to them, I tend
to roll my eyes and not even give it a chance. Otherwise it seems
that the person isn't really a fan of the music, they're just
following the current trend. So I looked to the others and tried to
find something really good, but all in vain.
Then I was up late listening to the CD late one night, and for some
reason I had this urge to listen to the second track over and over
again. I did, and fell asleep with it playing and woke up to it
playing some time later. And upon awakening, I suddenly had the image
of Sirius frantically digging up Remus' grave. And so that is how
this came to be.