Chapter eight:

Disclaimer: as usual everything belongs to J.k.Rowling.

A/N: terribly sorry about the delay now is the first time for a year I've had any free time.

The river inside my mind

The compartment was empty and could have been mistaken for deserted except for the presence of one young man in the corner. The man had black longish hair that was tide in the back to a small ponytail. Black rimed glasses covered large bright grin eyes. The body appeared relaxed but something in it pose suggested the relaxation of a big cat ready to spring at a moment notice. A mask of indifference carefully lay on the face. In short between him and the same boy who rode this train last year nothing was recognizable.

A book was set on his knees but judging from the fact that no page has been changed yet he wasn't really reading, instead Harry was engrossed in thought.

His mind was on the dreams, so many lives so much knowledge at time he was sure his mind was about to explode it was just too much the human brain is not build to hold this much. Terrible migraines would come on him every now and then but that was only the beginning of the problem. Everything had started mashing together he could no longer tell where one life ended and the other began, he could no longer be sure on who he was. The worst of it had been just an hour before. He had waited at the platform eager to see his friends when he caught a glimpse of Ron at the distance; it had been too much, hundreds of images overlaid his sight showing Ron in many guises and many faces. He couldn't bear to look a sense of overwhelming grief spread through him and he turned away to hide here.

"God am I growing mad?" he mumbled to himself.

Of course all this was only part of the problem he himself felt changed he had seen too much, done too much in his dreams, killed too much to still feel or even been a child. His childhood at least as much as he ever had one was over and done with, yet he knew no one else would recognize it. To them I'm still a child no to be taken seriously, to be protected he thought more in sadness than in anger. But here was the crux of the problem since Harry knew he would not be able to stay ideal sheltered in the castle when other people would die because of him. However he knew none of the adults would allow him to do something about it to recognize him for the adult he was now.

And then there were his friends they too were still children how will they react to him now could their friendship last?

An image burst into his mind: He was at the great hall, lights were dancing merrily around him and he was dancing with Gueniever. Outside the castle walls came sounds of merrymaking as the people of Camelot celebrated the marriage of their king.

Thousands of other different images flashed as his head sunk resignedly to the throes of pain.

The screeching from outside signaled the end of the ride as Harry picked himself from his seat and walked out.

"Harry, Hey Harry" called the voices of his friends. He puled on his face a forced smile and turned around.

"Where have you been mate? We looked for you on the train but couldn't find you" asked Ron.

"You really worried us" Hermione remarked.

"Sorry guys" he answered "I was just really tired and I guess I fell asleep" the lie rolled easily from his tongue it was better than truth after all.

"So how was your summer mate?" asked Ron as he dragged him away to the carriages.

"Okay I guess nothing strange happened, but what's happening out there as Voldemort done something yet.

"Naa, I' guess his binding his time trying to build up his power at least that's what dad reckons" Ron said.

"Yea I guess so" answered Harry resignedly, in his mind thousand of such occurrence flashed in his mind all of them bringing him to the same conclusion: if Voldemort wouldn't be stooped sometime soon it was going to get bad, real bad.

"Maybe it's for the best, gives us time to prepare ourselves" Hermione offered sounding half convinced.

"Are you mental? He gets the time you know and he hasn't really been in his bet these last fourteen years what with Harry and everything. In fact I bet he needs it more then us, and if our side can't find him now" Ron paused ominously "well when he will surface again that's when the shit will start hitting the fan as the muggels say"

"Yeah I guess you're right" Hermione answered gloomily

"It looks like you've given it a lot of thought" commented Harry

"I have, I guess I was trying to imagine what was going to happen next year, cause with you around I just know will be in the thick of things, no offence mate"

"None taken" Harry assured him

"And well I just kinda imagined it like a giant chess game, then played the moves that were played until now. Then looked at the situation strategically speaking from both sides of the board over and over again" he finished talking slowly, Hermione on the other hand was looking at Ron as though he'd just sprouted wings and went flying to the moon

"What?" Ron asked indignantly

"Nothing" Hermione answered "it's just that I never knew you could look so far ahead"

"Didn't think I had in me did you" Ron asked as hid ear tips were starting grow red which was never a good sign

"Ho, no" Hermione assured him "I always Knew you had it in you, it's just the first time I ever saw you doing it"

"Ho right" Ron looked visibly calmer "Yeah this really isn't my usual self. It's just that I have been doing a lot of thinking this summer about a lot of things". For some reason Ron kept rubbing his hand

"and I guess I wanted to help you Harry and this is what I'm best in after all, beside after a while it gotten really interesting. I can't wait to see if some of my predictions will come through, Arr I sound like Trelwanny now don't I?" They all laughed and the rest of the walk was passed in companionable silence.

* * *

The Dormitories were dark the only light coming through was the dim silver glow of the stars, the young boys were all asleep, that is all except for Harry he was sitting cross-legged on his bed, head bowed while silent tears of pain were streaming down his cheeks. In his mind gore filled scenes of death played out bringing with them terrible grief and revulsion. A thousand battlefields appeared before his eyes as he spun inside them killing, watching friends falling before his eyes. Finally he could take no more he had to distract himself. He deressed silently and headed outside.

The moment Harry's feet touched the earth he started running giving it everything he got. Running until his lungs were inflamed, until his feet felt like falling of running until nothing filed his mind except keeping breathing regular.

At last he could run no more he stood there heavily bent waiting for his breath to return when it did the memories came back, so he took out his sword and lounged into the kata loosing himself in the pattern. His mind completely focused on the sword, yet strangely open, aware the memories receded back as he drove himself, the physical pain driving out the emotional one.

One grueling hour later found him back at his bed warped in an exhausted dreamless sleep.

The occurrences that night hadn't been anything new. At least not since that first dream Harry found out that working himself to extreme could keep the dreams in bay, but he also knew it was only a temporary solution. He knew he had to find a true one or he would go completely mad. However in the meantime the hard physical work had help he was stronger and faster then ever, his endurance as also grew and so consequently his ability, his body was fitter then ever but his mind was falling apart.

* * *

The next day found the three friends at breakfast were Hermione took upon herself to try once again to "convince" her friends that they had to study hard this year. Ron was doing his best to drown her voice and advises in the heaps of food he was steadily putting away. And as for Harry he was in a world of his own memories sinking into him. The worst thing was that he kept feeling that there was something he needed to do he just couldn't pinpoint it.

"So" Ron asked in a clear effort to divert Hermione "'s our first class today?"

DiscrHarry glanced at his timetable they had as usual potions first and then double transfiguration. He looked at his watch they had ten minuets before classes will start "come on" he said dragging Ron from his plate "we have potion in ten minute so we'd better hurry".

"Right" Ron answered as the three hurried to the dungeons.

* * *

Potion was hell as always ho well no surprises there he thought to himself, truth was that there was a change he knew what Snape was talking about throughout the lesson he just couldn't bring into focus. "Yes focus was the key word these days, one he just couldn't seem to grasp.

"This year will be the hardest year yet as I assure you the O.W.Ls are nothing to be laughed about. Your very future as grown up wizards depends on how well you would do at these tests. Professor Macgnogal hard voice penetrated his thoughts waking him up to the harsh realities of his fifth year.

"Which is why I always open this year with a special lesson, a treat if you will and the last you shall see this year" Her voice seemed lighter.

"Now, does anybody here knows what is the anima candle?"

Unsurprisingly Hermione's hand shot to the air.

"Yes ms' Granger?"

"Well professor the candle his spouse to help in a very specialized sort of meditation one that will allow a person to see his animagus form if he has one"

"That is correct ms' Granger, five points to Gryffindore. Now meditations a very special branch of magic: mind magic. Even muggles use it although usually only in its lower forms.

Meditation is used to explores one's mind, and to gain better control on one's self, it focuses your mind.

Now in order to use the candle you will each receive a candle and will place it in front of you. Next you must light the candle and stare at its flame, note that it will take time to fall into trance, so do not be discouraged. Once you're in trance a bright image will come into your mind, if it's formless then you have no animagus ability if the image will were a form then what ever form it will were that is your animal form".

A candle appeared on Harry's table and he lighted it, it was colored in a dark purple color and its flame appeared to be a sort of very darkish purple almost black. He stared at the flame fascinated by the way the colors played inside it allowing himself to sink into a world were only the flame existed. The voice of the class was lowered and lowered until he could here no more or perhaps nothing could be registered, The flame was the only thin filling his world, no memories invaded his mind for the first time in months was at peace with himself.

Suddenly a bright image filled his mind at firs formless, but slowly it changed first it divided itself into three and then the three bright images started gaining shape.

The first turned into a black abnormally large wolf, which Harry recognized as a direwolf. The wolf had green eyes and a small lightning shaped mark on hid chest.

Then the second image gained shape, as a large looking lion appeared, his colors red and gold. But the odd thing was the two eagle wings sprouting from his side and with a start Harry recognized it as a griffin.

The third image was starting to have a reptilian look as it slowly gained shape until a fool grown dragon colored in blue and black stood before him he couldn't recognize the species but he made his mind to check it.

"That's all class. For homework I want you to describe in your own words the theory behind inanimate transfiguration as shown in at least 10 examples. The assignment must be handed in by next week"

Mac'gonogal's voice woke Harry abruptly from his trance and he saw others around him waking as well.

He saw the excited look on some of the faces and knew that those people had found their forms, but though he was curious he was harrying to the library. For the first time since that damn night he got the necklace he had an idea for a solution and he knew he had no time to waste.

If he couldn't find a way to handle the river that ran inside his mind then sooner or later all those sketchy dams he'd built would burst taking his mind with them.

No he thought grimly: I would not go insane! I would rather die first

But since he wasn't that keen on dying as well he was running to the library as fast as he could.

After all he was racing against the clock.

Author note:

Right first off I want to say I'm terribly sorry for the delay unfortunately I had no time to write My life until now were incredibly hectic.

And finally I got Harry to school now things can progress more smoothly.

About this chapter: it follows my policies that everything must come at a price you can't just have anything given to you otherwise its either worthless or unrealistic.

I'd love it if you reviewed

Anyway I'm sorry again and thanks for reading.

~Namwolf