Interviews with a Ritz cracker
At one time, I ran into a saltine carriage.
Drawn by three sunburned pigs,
Two miniature ostriges,
A blue toy poodle,
And an obese unicorn.
And standing in this edible stagecoach,
Was a gigantic princely Ritz cracker,
Cheese flavored.
Robed in three metric tons of petrified pigeon poop,
Caped in a double bubble wrapper,
And crowned with hardened blood hound drool,
He suddenly shouted out into the desert where I was walking:
"People of Sewerdom, I give you, our CHAMPION!"
He clapped his pretzel hands twice,
And we appeared in a sewer,
On the remains of the possessed 60 foot tall purple cantaloupe.
Floating to shore in the knee-deep rotting fruit,
Freddie Mercury pulled us in,
Humming 'Brighten Rock' to himself.
And the whole Queen band joins in,
Including the bizarre drum and guitar solo.
I raise an eyebrow and the music stops.
Leading me into what looked like a used crap vat,
I was surrounded on all sides by hundreds of crackers,
Every kind of cracker was there,
From gram crackers to Jewish Melbas stood around this Ritz cracker.
Stepping into a throne of crumpled aluminum foil,
He clapped his pretzel stick hands twice,
And three buff trisket squares heaved,
A string cheese wrestling ring out into the center of the dripping sewer room.
Climbing into the rotting rig and bouncing on the stale marshmallow floor,
Was the waltzing cigar from the museum in Iran.
He had a cape on with a big C in the middle.
Like Superman.
His top was slightly burnt,
And his bottom was covered in millionaire spit.
I guess that's what you get for being a Cuban cigar in the oil-rich Middle East.
Any way,
They slapped some cracker and cheese armor on my shoulders,
And gave me an ax made of shredded bear cans.
They pushed me in,
And SuperCigar ran at me.
I moved.
And cut him in half.
And the walls turned to pink silly putty.
They sprouted faces,
And began passing around a pack of Marlboro's!
They started screaming,
And the Titanic came in the room,
Through the screaming smoking silly putty.
It started tap dancing.
And right behind it was a decomposing Rose Dawson,
Along with her lawyer,
Because she was suing Jack Dawson for not letting go.
Right behind her,
Was a gigantic black dragon tottering around on roller-skate feet.
The bunch looked at us.
We looked at them.
With a war cry that sounded like a flushing toilet,
Rose,
Her lawyer,
The titanic,
The blob,
The rubber duckies of wrath,
Discarded pieces of chalk,
Possessed staplers,
The floating Ghostbusters proton packs,
Evil purple socks that were eaten by the dryer in 1975,
The roller skating dragon,
Britney Spears,
A bathtub,
The creature from the black lagoon,
Elvis's Blue Suede Shoes,
The mummy,
Frankenstein's nose,
The finger from Nowhere,
Oregon,
Alf,
Living pesticide,
The Knights of Ni,
Denzel Washington,
]A purple cactus,
John Deacon,
Three squirrels on caffeine pills,
Abandoned wooden sticks with nothing to do,
David Bowie,
And Stephen King all charged at us,
Holding aloft their weapons,
Half-eaten chicken wings,
And my mother's biscuits.
The crackers around me charged,
Their war cry sounded a little more like someone dropping a something heavy into water.
The two armies clash.
The black dragon was slayed immediately by a deranged Cub Scout who didn't have his nap.
He fired rubber arrows at the thing and it had a nervous break down,
And fell to the earth with a heavy thud.
After throwing over-cooked meat loaf at the attackers,
They held them back with cups of burning v8,
And the hits of Barbara Streisand.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
The evil purple sock that got eaten by the dryer in 1975 was getting to us.
His athlete's foot smells knocked our troops left and right,
But his smell was his own doom.
For he spontaneously combusted after smelling his own fumes.
The bathtub went berserk after the possessed staplers attacked it,
And it went and mutilated Britney Spear's head.
The Finger from Nowhere, Oregon did its part by picking Frankenstein's nose.
Stephen King grabbed the purple cactus and started swinging it at us.
He then tripped over the hopping blue suede shoes,
Had a sudden bowel movement,
And died while the Knights were being eaten by the pink silly putty walls.
The proton packs started singing Hank Williams,
While hitting us with greasy chicken wings.
After they got through his hits 3,475 times,
They turned into math books,
And were burned by the KKK and various middle school kids.
The possessed staplers went after me,
So I ran away,
The Monty Python way.
After throwing beer cans and living crackers at them,
They went Carrie and set Denzel Washington on fire.
After running around in circles saying 'Ow.' in a robotic voice,
He keeled over on the creature from the black lagoon,
Who promptly ate his upper body.
He then choked on the hair spray,
And turned into a tongue ring.
Alf ate my cat,
So I went berserk,
And cut off his head,
And stuffed lint-filled spaghetti down his neck.
The titanic stepped on rose and her lawyer while tap dancing,
Then died of constipation.
It fell over and crushed everything else.
Nice ending eh?
At one time, I ran into a saltine carriage.
Drawn by three sunburned pigs,
Two miniature ostriges,
A blue toy poodle,
And an obese unicorn.
And standing in this edible stagecoach,
Was a gigantic princely Ritz cracker,
Cheese flavored.
Robed in three metric tons of petrified pigeon poop,
Caped in a double bubble wrapper,
And crowned with hardened blood hound drool,
He suddenly shouted out into the desert where I was walking:
"People of Sewerdom, I give you, our CHAMPION!"
He clapped his pretzel hands twice,
And we appeared in a sewer,
On the remains of the possessed 60 foot tall purple cantaloupe.
Floating to shore in the knee-deep rotting fruit,
Freddie Mercury pulled us in,
Humming 'Brighten Rock' to himself.
And the whole Queen band joins in,
Including the bizarre drum and guitar solo.
I raise an eyebrow and the music stops.
Leading me into what looked like a used crap vat,
I was surrounded on all sides by hundreds of crackers,
Every kind of cracker was there,
From gram crackers to Jewish Melbas stood around this Ritz cracker.
Stepping into a throne of crumpled aluminum foil,
He clapped his pretzel stick hands twice,
And three buff trisket squares heaved,
A string cheese wrestling ring out into the center of the dripping sewer room.
Climbing into the rotting rig and bouncing on the stale marshmallow floor,
Was the waltzing cigar from the museum in Iran.
He had a cape on with a big C in the middle.
Like Superman.
His top was slightly burnt,
And his bottom was covered in millionaire spit.
I guess that's what you get for being a Cuban cigar in the oil-rich Middle East.
Any way,
They slapped some cracker and cheese armor on my shoulders,
And gave me an ax made of shredded bear cans.
They pushed me in,
And SuperCigar ran at me.
I moved.
And cut him in half.
And the walls turned to pink silly putty.
They sprouted faces,
And began passing around a pack of Marlboro's!
They started screaming,
And the Titanic came in the room,
Through the screaming smoking silly putty.
It started tap dancing.
And right behind it was a decomposing Rose Dawson,
Along with her lawyer,
Because she was suing Jack Dawson for not letting go.
Right behind her,
Was a gigantic black dragon tottering around on roller-skate feet.
The bunch looked at us.
We looked at them.
With a war cry that sounded like a flushing toilet,
Rose,
Her lawyer,
The titanic,
The blob,
The rubber duckies of wrath,
Discarded pieces of chalk,
Possessed staplers,
The floating Ghostbusters proton packs,
Evil purple socks that were eaten by the dryer in 1975,
The roller skating dragon,
Britney Spears,
A bathtub,
The creature from the black lagoon,
Elvis's Blue Suede Shoes,
The mummy,
Frankenstein's nose,
The finger from Nowhere,
Oregon,
Alf,
Living pesticide,
The Knights of Ni,
Denzel Washington,
]A purple cactus,
John Deacon,
Three squirrels on caffeine pills,
Abandoned wooden sticks with nothing to do,
David Bowie,
And Stephen King all charged at us,
Holding aloft their weapons,
Half-eaten chicken wings,
And my mother's biscuits.
The crackers around me charged,
Their war cry sounded a little more like someone dropping a something heavy into water.
The two armies clash.
The black dragon was slayed immediately by a deranged Cub Scout who didn't have his nap.
He fired rubber arrows at the thing and it had a nervous break down,
And fell to the earth with a heavy thud.
After throwing over-cooked meat loaf at the attackers,
They held them back with cups of burning v8,
And the hits of Barbara Streisand.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
The evil purple sock that got eaten by the dryer in 1975 was getting to us.
His athlete's foot smells knocked our troops left and right,
But his smell was his own doom.
For he spontaneously combusted after smelling his own fumes.
The bathtub went berserk after the possessed staplers attacked it,
And it went and mutilated Britney Spear's head.
The Finger from Nowhere, Oregon did its part by picking Frankenstein's nose.
Stephen King grabbed the purple cactus and started swinging it at us.
He then tripped over the hopping blue suede shoes,
Had a sudden bowel movement,
And died while the Knights were being eaten by the pink silly putty walls.
The proton packs started singing Hank Williams,
While hitting us with greasy chicken wings.
After they got through his hits 3,475 times,
They turned into math books,
And were burned by the KKK and various middle school kids.
The possessed staplers went after me,
So I ran away,
The Monty Python way.
After throwing beer cans and living crackers at them,
They went Carrie and set Denzel Washington on fire.
After running around in circles saying 'Ow.' in a robotic voice,
He keeled over on the creature from the black lagoon,
Who promptly ate his upper body.
He then choked on the hair spray,
And turned into a tongue ring.
Alf ate my cat,
So I went berserk,
And cut off his head,
And stuffed lint-filled spaghetti down his neck.
The titanic stepped on rose and her lawyer while tap dancing,
Then died of constipation.
It fell over and crushed everything else.
Nice ending eh?