"I will be joining the choir," said Tomoyo as she and Eriol rode to the university that day.
He threw her a brief glance. "That sounds great, Daidouji-san." He turned his eyes back on the road.
"Try to contain your enthusiasm, please," she said, rolling her eyes.
He glanced at her again. "I really am."
"How am I suppose to believe you?" she sighed. "And anyway, I've noticed something different about you."
He stiffened involuntarily. "Different in a good way?"
She smiled. "You haven't ordered me to do anything yet today."
His grip on the steering wheel tightened. "Ah…"
"Was there something else on your mind that could have changed in you, Hi-kun?" she asked teasingly. She had gotten over her initial irritation with her fiancé. Having a regular companion wasn't so bad when you think about it. All those free lunches…and he was so stiff! It was fun seeing him squirm like that whenever she interrogated him.
"Nonsense," he snapped. "By the way, have you studied your lessons last night?"
She nodded. "A little. Why?"
"I'm giving the class a test, and don't think you are exempted from it," he said.
"The thought never crossed my mind, Hi-kun," she teased.
"Don't you even think of calling me that way in the classroom."
"And in other places…?"
"Do what you want."
She laughed softly. "Very well, Hi-kun." She turned to the window. "You like your pet name, eh?"
"What?! Who gave you that idea?" he demanded.
"You allowed me to call you that name as long as we're not in the campus."
He exhaled sharply. "I allowed you to call me that nickname, but I never said I like it!"
She eyed him sideways with her laughing eyes. "Really, huh?"
He paused, then turned away from her. "Just go study those damn triangles, will you?"
She giggled. Imagine, hearing those words from a Trigo teacher!
When they encountered a traffic jam in the intersection, she seized the opportunity to take her book out and browse through her Trigo lessons.
"Page eleven," he said, not looking at her.
"Thanks, Hi-kun." She eyed the *ahem* damn triangles lazily. "I'm just wondering…why did you go back to Japan?"
He sighed. "Am I obliged to answer?"
She tossed her hair over her shoulders. "No, but I promise to annoy you ad infinitum."
He looked at the cars ahead them – why don't the damn cars just move so the girl would stop asking him already? "Alright, I came back to Japan because of the request of your mother."
"You know my mother personally?" she asked.
"Actually, I know Kinomoto-sensei. He was the one who acquainted the two of us."
"So what did my mother request from you?" she asked.
He turned to her. "Strictly confidential."
"Eh? How come you know something about her that even her own daughter doesn't know?"
"It's for your own good, Daidouji-san. Trust me." Thankfully, the cars started to move.
"Know what? Figuring out these triangles are easier than figuring out your mind, Hi-kun." She shrugged. "Dakedo, you are much nicer to look at."
She heard him exhale audibly.
"Are you well-versed in the Pythagorean theorem?" he asked wearily some minutes later.
"Such a subtle shift of topic. I didn't even notice," she kidded. "Well, at least you're not vain about your looks."
"Daidouji-san," he said in a warning tone.
To this, she laughed some more. "OK, OK."
True enough, he did give them a test. Surprisingly, it was easier than the usual tests that the Eagle gives the class.
"You're a lucky charm to our class," said Chiharu as she walked her to the chapel, where the choir practices will be held. "Aside from that, ever since you started attending our Trigo class, none of our boy classmates had ever been absent!"
"Eh? That's an overstatement!"
"No, it's not!" Chiharu paused when she spotted Yamazaki waving to her. "Um, I better go. See you later, Tomoyo!"
She smiled at her understandingly. "Bye!"
At the practice, everyone watched in awe as Tomoyo rendered a particularly tricky part of the communion song. When she finished, everyone applauded.
"You are over-qualified, Daidouji-san. Our very own chapel nightingale," said the choirmaster, gazing at her appreciatively. She gave him a gracious nod.
Then at the corner of her eye, she saw Eriol seated in the corner of the chapel, watching her. When she caught his gaze, he stood up and walked out of the church.
"That's strange. I think I saw the Eagle here in the chapel with us," said one of her choirmates.
"Impossible. What would the Eagle do in the chapel? You know that we rarely see him in the university aside from his usual classrooms and the library."
"Yeah, I must be just seeing things."
"I can't blame you. He is so gorgeous!"
"Ssh, we're in the chapel! Behave!" said the choirmaster.
"Were you watching me awhile ago in the chapel?" she asked when they rode home.
Silence. He then nodded.
"Why didn't you wait up for me then?"
"I still have my classes," he replied simply.
She smiled. "Thanks for dropping by to watch…even if you have classes."
"Think nothing of it."
"I…I have this feeling that you do not go out much," she said.
"Your choirmates have certainly told you a lot about me."
"Not exactly…" She clasped her hands together. "Oh, I can't blame you. He is soooo gorgeous! One hell of a hunk!" She then collapsed into fits of laughter.
He shrugged.
She nudged him. "Wow, such a modest reply. I have never met a male who didn't even crack a smile when he heard a compliment about his looks! Does that mean you're-"
"Don't start on my gender again, Daidouji-san," he warned. "I have many ways to prove my sexuality."
She smiled nervously. "I was just going to say that you're…uh…unique." She then turned serious. "But it won't hurt if you socialize a little. I'm not surprised anymore how you became the assistant to the Dean when you are just a year older than me. You live on studying alone, if I'm not wrong."
"Books give me pleasure more than strained conversations with strangers."
"Is this conversation part of those strained things?" she asked, a little hurt.
He gazed at her for a moment. "Are you a stranger to me, Daidouji-san?" he asked quietly.
"Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?" she asked back.
He shrugged. "No, you're not."
"Really?"
"Really." He concentrated on the road. "Why should I allow myself to get engaged to a stranger anyway?"
"True." She turned to him. "Hi-kun, if I'm no stranger…then why were you so…cold to me before?"
Silence.
"We're home." He was about to kill the car engine when her hand stopped his arm.
"Hi-kun, please answer me," she pleaded. "Are you mad at me or something?"
Eriol couldn't speak. As he unwittingly drowned in the infinitely purple pool reminiscent of the eleven-year-old warm eyes he first cherished – one full of vulnerability and uncertainty -, he realized that he was perilously close to losing his control on the situation.
He pushed her hand away from him gently. "No, why should I be mad at you, Daidouji-san?"
Her eyes looked troubled. "But…"
He tore his gaze away from her shaking eyes. "It's just part of my personality to be like that."
"But back in elementary-"
"You said it yourself. Things change." He bowed. "Good day, Daidouji-san. I hope you understand if I don't help you with your seatbelt anymore."
Her eyes widened, and her face turned crimson. "S-Sure…I mean, I know I'm so irresistibly cute and…" She laughed nervously when she felt his intent gaze on her. She fumbled with her seatbelt. "Ooh, it won't come off," she muttered.
"That's because your fingers are trembling," he said.
"N-No, they're not!" she lied when in truth, she could feel that even her fingers lost their strength too. His azure eyes were absorbing all her strength! "Um…mind if you look the other way?"
"Sure. Are you going to undress?" he asked casually.
"Iie!" She then blinked when she realized what Eriol just did. "You…cracked a joke!" She suddenly forgot how tense she was. In his eyes, she suddenly found a glimpse of the cheerful and ever-smiling eleven-year-old Hiiragizawa Eriol. The one who made fun of Li Syaoran and spun stories with Yamazaki. Her eyes shook.
"Why are you smiling that way?" he asked, puzzled.
He gasped when she threw her arms around him. "My dear Eagle still knows how to smile and joke around!"
"W-What…?"
She looked at him, beaming. "I promise to bring back your laughing eyes, Hi-kun. No, an eagle's heart is too cold for you. I refuse to have my fiancé carry on such a senseless masquerade." She energetically took off her seatbelt. "I'll see you tomorrow, Hi-kun!"
Eriol's eyes were an eddy of emotion. "I can't do this…I promised that I'll never be happy again…because I made her so miserable…"
On his mind was the scarlet-haired woman with kind, loving eyes. A woman with so much love in her heart for him, but he never was able to reciprocate.
Because he was just a mere personification of someone else's existence. His heart wasn't created to love; it was just an organ to sustain his entity.
He started the car engine again. But who was he to refuse Daidouji Tomoyo?
The only girl whom he couldn't find in his heart to push away.
"So Eriol is your fiancée?" Sakura repeated when she finished laughing. Tomoyo had just called her on the phone and explained the details she had been asking since last night.
She nodded. "Hai. But we had a good time…well at least, I did. Figuring out Eriol-kun is so tough! I didn't know if he liked being my fiancé at all!"
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"I mean, do you, um, like being his fiancée?"
She blushed. "Er…I'm getting used to it."
"Oh, that's a start. Falling in love is the best feeling in the world."
Tomoyo paused. Love? When she accepted the engagement, she didn't think of that factor. Now that her cousin had mentioned it, she suddenly doubted what would be in store for her and Eriol –engaged without knowing their feelings for each other. If it wasn't her who was personally involved in the situation, she could have laughed at the absurdity of the situation. She thought arranged marriages happen in movies only.
"Do you care for Eriol-kun?"
She paused. "I like him…"
"That's a start."
"Isn't love spontaneous? Like what Li felt for you?"
"Well, um…love comes in different ways. There's love at first sight, love the second time around, love when three is a crowd…"
"Yeah right," said Tomoyo, laughing. "And love foreplay."
Sakura didn't get it, and this made her laugh some more. Oh, her dear cousin was so innocently sweet!
She paused. All her life, she kept on saying to herself that she loved Sakura, and she feels so. Could it be possible that she can love another with equal passion, or perhaps, even more?
"Tomoyo-chan, how do you spell 'foreplay'? F-O-U-R-P-L-A-Y?"
"Go ask Li," she said.
"OK, I'll call him right now."
"Good luck!" She could just imagine how Li would lose consciousness when Sakura asks him.
"You seem to be more thoughtful and quiet ever since Daidouji-san arrived," said Spinel, joining its master in the balcony.
"I thought that having lived a lifetime already before, I would already know the answers to all the mysteries of life…but why can't I answer the mystery of my own existence? Am I me, am I Fujitaka, or am I Clow Reed? Whose heart is beating within me now?"
"Master…"
"I thought I loved Kaho. Really, I did. But when Sonomi showed me the portrait of her daughter…" He smiled sadly. "She grew as lovely as Nadeshiko, even prettier maybe. I asked Sonomi immediately for her daughter's hand in marriage, because her beauty warms something within me." He then turned to the sky. "But as days pass, I cannot accept anymore that I care for her because she looks like the woman a part of me loved. It's unfair. She's a good woman."
"So what are you saying?"
"I want to break the engagement."
Silence.
"But will you do it?"
Eriol laughed bitterly. "I can't. I promised Sonomi that I'll take care of her daughter."
"Is that your only reason?"
He fell silent.
"Six years ago…did your feelings change?"
"How can they? They never even existed at the first place. She was dear to me because a part of me loved Nadeshiko, no less, no more."
"Are you certain about that?"
"What can be the other reason then?"
"Maybe because she charmed Hiiragizawa Eriol's heart?"
"Eriol Hiiragizawa doesn't exist in the world."
"What do you call yourself then?"
"I…" He looked up at the night sky. His eyes softened. "…don't know."
It felt liberating to speak aloud sometimes that there were just things beyond his control, and that sometimes, it's ok to say 'I don't know'.
"You had enough thinking for tonight. Rest, Master."
"Yes." He followed the cat back into the mansion.
tsuzuku