"The Mummy"- Scene One
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or The Mummy. So don't sue!
JK: I've finally decided to continue!
Seto (brightly): Is this by any chance a fic where Yami dies?
JK: No... (points to title)
Seto: Wait...(remembers what this is) No! Not this fic!
JK: I hate being greeted by such unenthusiastic characters. I'll have to make everyone suffer three-fold then.
Yami: Kaiba's just weird! See, I'm enthusiastic! (jumps up and down)
Evil Authoress: Or just stupid and in need of rabies vaccinations.
JK: Yami! I told you to keep away from Tea!
Yami: Can we just...begin? I want to get to the kissing scene!
Isis: I don't want to get to the kissing scene! JK, take your time!
JK: Yeah, yeah. First I have to introduce everyone and hand out the popcorn. I am the director, Evil Authoress here (formerly Dark Shadows) is the stage manager, and Jenrya Lee is in charge of costumes and props.
Evil Authoress: That means that backstage, everyone listens to me!
Jenrya: ...
Seto: I listen to no one but myself, you miserable, poor excuse for a girl.
Evil Authoress: Shut up you miserable, RICH excuse for a girl!
Malik: Whoa...Kaiba's a girl? (takes out tape recorder) Could you say that again? I want Isis to hear it.
Isis: I heard her, Malik!
Malik (looking downhearted): Dang.
JK: Before you all get carried away, let me introduce the audience members! The person who gets the first seat is Lynx wings.
Lynx wings: Hi everyone! And hello to Joey, Yami, and Weevil!
Joey: Yeah! My name was said separately 'cause I'm loved!
Lynx wings: No...I just said yours, Yami's, and Weevil's names separately because you count as no one, so I couldn't include you when saying everyone.
Joey: That's right! Wait a minute---HEY!
Seto: Wheeler the Chihuahua---forever slow on the uptake.
JK: The next person is Serenia.
Joey: That's it Kaiba! I'm sick of takin' crap from you! So take out your cards an' let's get it on!
Evil Authoress: Not in front of us!
Seto: See...he IS slow on the uptake. He replied thirty seconds after I insulted him. Pathetic soul.
Serenia: Hey, what do you mean, "not in front of us"? (Sorry if I make you seem kind of naïve if you're not, it's just I needed someone to say that and you said I could make up your personality.)
Evil Authoress: Ask Joey. His sick mind came up with it.
JK: I'm sure that when Joey said "Let's get it on" he didn't mean it like THAT.
Evil Authoress: You can never be too sure.
Joey: I AM NOT GAY!
Malik: (puts away tape recorder sadly) Damn...everyone is ruining my fun today!
Evil Authoress: Shut up. (glomps him)
JK: Next on our list of audience people is Hikari-Melanie.
Hikari-Melanie: Hi Kaiba!
Seto: Er...
JK: Seto, the audience loves you. All the more reason to enjoy this fic.
Seto: NEVER!
JK: Kaiba-boy seems to have found my stash of sugar cubes.
Seto: Hmm...I like sugar but I---wait. You have a stash of sugar cubes?!
JK: Well... (watches as Seto runs off to find secret sugar cube stash) KAIBA YOU STEAL MY SUGAR AND YOU WILL PAY!
(Seto laughs evilly.)
JK: Damn...there goes my inspiration.
Evil Authoress: Screw him. Go on with the audience members.
JK: But...my sugar!
Jenrya: Here. (hands me sugar bag) Being in charge of props has its perks.
JK: I see. (takes bag quickly and sits on it) I'm pretty sure Seto's not that desperate...
Mokuba: You'll have to excuse my brother. He's been stressed out lately.
Llybian Minamino: Mokuba! (glomps him)
JK: Our fourth audience member has arrived.
Llybian: Hi.
Malik (choking): Stressed out...doing...what...oh GET HER OFF ME!
JK: Evil Authoress, get off Malik. We can't afford to have him die. Otherwise I'll end up with having to cast Tristan as Jonathan.
Isis: LET HIM DIE! ANYONE IS BETTER THAN MALIK FOR A BROTHER!
Evil Authoress: Fine. (lets go of Malik)
Isis: Damn it.
Jenrya: Hey Mokuba, what exactly WAS Kaiba doing that got him so stressed out?
Evil Authoress (muttering): Who, you mean.
Malik: My sister.
JK (smacking forehead): Shut up, the both of you. Since we're getting carried away, these are the next few people- Hotaruchan27, Todokanunegai, Angel K.D, Yami and Setos Gal---
Yami: Whoa whoa whoa. I have a fangirl?!
JK: It appears so.
Yami: YAY!
Yami and Setos Gal: I like Seto too, you know. Hence the name.
Yami: SO? I HAVE AT LEAST ONE FANGIRL OUT THERE! THANK YOU RA!
JK: Yeah. By the way, since you requested popcorn, here you go. (hands tub of popcorn to Hotaruchan27)
Hotaruchan27: Thank you! (munches on popcorn)
JK: Next we have Kittycatz.
(Kittycatz goes and sits next to Yami Bakura.)
Kittycatz: Hey Yami B.!
Yami Bakura: Er...hi. (takes bite out of raw meat) Can you leave?
Kittycatz: $@#^ you! (goes over to Yami) Hey Yami!
Yami: Pinch me I MUST be dreaming.
(Seto, who has somehow snuck back in without anyone noticing, pinches Yami.)
Yami: OW!
Seto: You DID ask.
JK: Anyway, next we have Yami angel, Cygna-hime, Penny: Angel of Darkest Dreams---
Penny: RYOU! (glomps Bakura)
Bakura: Um...might I request that you glomp a little LESS hard?
Penny: No. (glomps harder)
Bakura: Suffocating...(makes gagging sounds)
JK: Okay then! We also have Vanilla, Saurons Twin Sister, and Isis Hotep in the audience!
Isis Hotep: Can you make Duke a Medjai?
JK: Sure. (takes out casting chart) Well...yeah, but I have to get rid of either Para or Dox. You choose.
Isis Hotep: Dox. Leave Para.
JK: Okay then. Now that everyone has been introduced, refreshments are on that table. (indicates corner)
Jenrya: JK, there's no table there.
JK: Oh. Well, since you're in charge of props, you go get a table. And now we need refreshments...who here is rich?
Seto: Don't ask me. I'm broke, remember? Thank you oh great ruiner of Seto Kaiba's life!
JK: Is "ruiner" even a word?
Joey: JK, Kaiba definitely got into your sugar stash.
Seto: Did not! I couldn't find the damn thing.
JK: So, you're poor and slow. Anyway, who here possesses strong magic and can create food?
(Cricket sounds can be heard.)
Joey: Wait, there ain't no food?
JK: Damn...you ARE slow on the uptake.
Joey: Shaddap. (leaves and returns with backpack) This backpack has an unlimited amount of storage space, so I keep my food here.
Mai: You know what storage space is?
Joey: Yeah, actually, I do!
JK: Great. Put some food on the table and the audience members can take whatever they like. Everyone else, follow me backstage so we can begin.
~Backstage~
JK: Okay, is everyone prepared?
Evil Authoress (evilly): No, Mai isn't in her costume yet.
JK: Mai? (sees she's standing wearing MORE clothes than usual, much to her amazement) Why the hell aren't you in your outfit?!
Mai: You honestly expect me to wear THAT in front of Joey?
Joey: I don't even get to touch you!
Mai: It's bad enough you get to see me, hon.
JK: Mai...I don't really care whether or not you want to be dressed like that. I have my ways of making you obey, so you'd be better off doing it on your own. Frankly, I don't get why it's a problem for you.
Mai: Hey! Just because I like to show some skin doesn't make me...well...dishonorable!
Seto (scoffing): Yeah, just SOME skin.
Joey: Hey! Quit pickin' on her. Anyone can dress in any way dey want! It ain't your business!
Evil Authoress: Well, of course YOU don't mind. In fact, you enjoy it.
Mai: All the more reason why I'm not going 4/5 naked in front of him.
JK: I was hoping not to have to do this... (snaps fingers and Mai's credit cards appear in her hand) I'll try not to enjoy this TOO much. (takes out scissors and starts cutting up one)
Mai: STOP!
JK: Why should I listen to you? You obviously don't care about what I have to say. (snips second credit card)
Mai: OKAY! I GIVE IN! JUST DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!
JK (smiling): Glad you're being so reasonable, Mai. (gives her the credit cards and the outfit) Enjoy.
(Mai sulks but goes off to change.)
JK: Okay, let's begin. Yami Bakura, you're narrating since you're Ardeth- Bay.
(Yami Bakura looks up from his dinner, which he was viciously stabbing with a dagger.)
Yami Bakura: Huh?
JK: Narrate, stupid!
Yami Bakura: Oh yeah.
(Curtain opens on Joey in a chariot being pulled across the room by Tea in a horse outfit.)
Yami Bakura (in the background): Okay, people. Welcome to Thebes, City of the Living, and definitely not one of my favorite places. I mean, living people don't let you suck their blood! Where's the fun in a city like that? Anyway, it is in this city that the Pharaoh, Joey I, resides along with his mistress, high priest, and daughter, whom we don't find out about until the second movie but that's not the point.
(Joey gets off his chariot. Seto comes out and kneels at Joey's feet.)
Seto (muttering): Oh I can't wait till I kill him...
Joey: Priest, you must now lick my feet clean because I was out for a morning ride and my horse couldn't wait till we got home to crap and I stepped in it.
Tea (muffled by horse head): Hey!
JK (backstage): That's not in the script. (flips through it) No, definitely not. Oh well. (throws script away)
Seto: No thank you, Lapdog.
Joey: Who you callin' a lapdog, Rich Boy?! I can have you beheaded right now!
Seto: I'd like to see you try!
Joey: My bodyguards are powerful!
Seto: Yeah, a short little girl who carries around a teddy bear. That's powerful. And who's in charge of this miserable gang of fools with meager dueling skills?
Yami Bakura: Hey! That's my miserable gang of fools you're talking about, so you shut up!
Seto: Well then, I rest my case. As soon as you croak, Lapdog, their leader is going to suck you dry.
Yami Bakura: Not if I do you in first, Priest! Now let me continue my narrative. Anyway, little did the jackass Pharaoh know that his mistress--- (Mai comes out as Joey exits.)---was actually two-timing with his high priest.
(Joey drools backstage.)
JK: Joey, you're drowning us damn it!
Joey: But she's so---
Evil Authoress: (bashes Joey on the head with the Book of the Dead) Shut up and watch before I castrate you!
Joey: Eep! (shuts up)
JK (raising an eyebrow): Where'd that come from?
Evil Authoress: No where. I just want to see Seto and Mai suffer!
Yami Bakura: Pipe down back there! (looks at script) Yeah, and for their--- ew...do I really have to say that?
JK: Every word.
Yami Bakura (wincing): Anyway, it was a big sin or something for priests to have lovers and for people to betray the Pharaoh, but for their love, they were willing to sacrifice life itself. (turns away and pukes)
Yugi (thoughtfully): I didn't know yamis could puke...
JK: Seto, Mai, now!
Seto: I am not kissing her!
Mai: I am not kissing him!
Tea: I'll kiss Kaiba!
Seto and Isis: HELL NO!
Yami (gasping): Isis and Seto are going out!
Malik: What? (takes out tape recorder) I knew today wouldn't be that boring!
JK: Malik, shut up. Isis, shut up. Yami, shut up. Seto and Mai, MAKE OUT BEFORE I SHED SOME BLOOD!
(Seto and Mai kiss while Joey and Isis look as if they could kill someone.)
Seto (thinking): Mouthwash...I need mouthwash!
Mai (thinking): Hey, this actually isn't that bad! (hears Joey approaching and speaks) The Pharaoh is coming!
Seto (looking relieved): Then I better hide before I'm found. (walks offstage, muttering) Thank you, Ra. I will never stop worshipping you!
(Joey strolls in.)
Joey: Hi my whore---I mean, mistress. Nice lack of clothing.
JK: These people need to learn how to memorize lines!
Joey: Wait a minute! Why is your make-up smudged?
Mai: I...erm...it's supposed to be that way?
Joey: Oh, okay!
(Seto sighs wearily and walks onstage.)
Seto: Now, the moment we have all been waiting for! (pokes Joey with plastic sword)
Joey: Hey, Kaiba! Dat was uncalled for!
Mai (hissing): Joey, you're supposed to be hurt! (pokes him with plastic dagger)
Joey: HAH! YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL DA GREAT PHARAOH JOEY?!
Seto: Why, yes, actually, I do! (stabs him with real sword)
Joey: Ow... (passes out)
JK: SETO!
Seto (innocently): What?
JK: You weren't supposed to kill him for real, you dolt!
Seto: But he wasn't pretending to die!
Yami Bakura: I GET THE BLOOD!
JK: When the scene is over.
Yami Bakura: YES! I LOVE THE WORLD OF THE LIVING NOW!
Mai: Ahem...you're interrupting the scene!
Seto (muttering): If someone were to ask me, I'd say she's enjoying this WAY too much.
Mai: Go, Set---er, Imhotep, before they find you here!
Seto (thinking): That's not her line...oh well. (speaking) No!
Mai: You're the only one who can resurrect me.
(Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, Croquet, and Bakura run into the room.)
Yugi (tugging on Seto's robes): Master Seto, we weren't able to hold the guards off.
Mokuba: Yeah, and now they're coming because...Isis used her magic seeing into the future powers and they KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
(Seto blinks.)
Mokuba: I mean, they know you've murdered the Pharaoh!
Seto (looking at Joey's corpse): Little Brother---
(JK coughs pointedly.)
Seto: I mean, Priest, that is no Pharaoh. That is the Pharaoh's lapdog.
Bakura: Might I suggest that we get going? I would like to keep my head on, for the time being.
(No one listens.)
Bakura: OKAY KAIBA, THAT'S IT! (takes out Millennium Ring) CHAIN ENERGY!
(Seto is bound and gagged by the energy ropes.)
Bakura: Shall we proceed, mates?
(The "priests" gape at him.)
Bakura (quizzically): Yes?
Mokuba: But...that's not something you would do...
Yami Bakura (wiping away non-existent tear): He is learning from me! I always knew my hikari wasn't hopeless!
Malik (backstage): Yeah, and is that why you like to cut him and turn him into a beverage occasionally?
Yami Bakura: Um...yeah.
(Bakura hoists up Seto.)
Bakura: A little help would be appreciated...
(Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, and Croquet all help drag Seto offstage.)
Seto (screaming): Wait until I get my hands on that weird albino moron! HE WILL SUFFER LIKE NONE HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE!
Bakura: Yes, we all know that, Kaiba. (waves at Mai) Good day to you.
Seto: Oh, and Mai? I'll ressurect you...
Mai: Oh, Seto, I knew you would rescue me!
(Everyone backstage pukes.)
Seto: ...when I feel like it! (laughs evilly as he disappears backstage)
(Mako, Para, Duke, Rebecca, and Serenity all run onstage.)
Rebecca: Who hath murdereth the Pharaoh?
(Backstage, JK smacks her forehead.)
Para: It was Mai, the Pharaoh's whore! (looks around expectantly) Why isn't my brother finishing my line?
Duke: Er...I'm surprised she didn't do it before?
Para: ...that works too!
Serenity: No! My brother was murdered! (cries)
Duke: Aw, Serenity, would you like me to comfort you? (pats her on the back)
Tristan (backstage): LET ME AT HIM! I'LL RIP HIS LUNGS OUT! I'LL RIP THAT DIE EARRING RIGHT OUT OF HIS EAR!
JK (backstage): Shut up before I sever your cone like I threatened to before, Tristan!
(He shuts up.)
Mako: Wait one moment...does this mean...? Yes, it does! We are no longer under Pharaoh Joey's control! We are free to frolic in the ocean's waves without any interruptions such as--- (puts on a high-pitched voice)--- "Guards, this whore is bothering me! Take her away!" or "My back itches!" or "How come there's water in the wine? I want new wine!" and let's not forget the oh so common "AH! A SCARAB! KILL IT! KILL IT!"
(Mako, Serenity, Duke, and Rebecca start laughing.)
Para: I don't get it.
Mai: I do. THAT WASN'T FUNNY, SEA-BOY! I WAS THE WHORE OF WHOM YOU SPEAK!
(Mako stops laughing.)
Duke: So...do we kill her and make the palace smell nicer?
Yami Bakura: No, see, for that, you'd have to kill that servant, Tea.
Mai: Forget this! I'll beat you to it, you brainless pigs! Er...now what was I supposed to say again? Ah, yes. My body is no longer his temple!
Evil Authoress (backstage): (stares wide-eyed) I GET IT!
Jenrya (backstage): Hentai... (shakes head)
(Mai pokes herself with the plastic dagger and pretends to die.)
(Curtains close as scene one ends and the Pharaoh's bodyguards cheer. Everyone who was backstage comes out to join the audience.)
JK (screaming at the cast): What the hell was that?! People, people! The only person who said at least one line correctly was Mai! MAI! YOU SHOULD ALL FEEL ASHAMED! ASHAMED I TELL YOU! Medjai people, none of you even had any lines! All you had to do was stare at Mai, then she was supposed to kill herself. (glares at Seto) AND YOU KILLED JOEY!
Seto: And then I was bound together with ropes made of magic. BIG DEAL! We made the play more authentic.
JK: Authentic! I'll show you authentic! (starts choking Seto)
(Jenrya pulls JK off Seto.)
Jenrya: You really want the fangirls on your back?
JK: Good point... (shudders)
Seto: INSANE AUTHORESS!
JK (ignoring Seto): Bakura did some nice improvising when he gagged Seto, so I thank you! (glomps Bakura)
Evil Authoress: Now you're going to have Penny on your back...
(JK lets go quickly.)
JK: Good point. But that was more of a...thank you glomp, not a bishie glomp.
Penny: RYOU YOU WERE WONDERFUL! (glomps Bakura)
JK (looking around): Hey, where'd Yami Bakura go?
Penny (still glomping Ryou): Oh, him? He went onstage.
JK (suspiciously): What for?
(Yami Bakura comes offstage, dragging Joey's corpse with him.)
Yami Bakura: I have a new source of sustenance!
JK: Put him down!
Yami Bakura: Why? I haven't had blood this fresh in...well...ten minutes!
JK: NOW!
Yami Bakura: Yes ma'am. (lets go of Joey)
JK: Jenrya, can I have the Book of the Dead?
Jenrya: Why should I keep serving you?!
JK: Er...for the sake of Joey's life?
Jenrya: That's not much of a reason, you know.
JK: Please? You're the only person with any idea as to where the props are!
Jenrya: Fine. (leaves and returns with the Book of the Dead)
JK: Now let's see... (flips to some random page and begins chanting in ancient Egyptian)
(Joey comes back to life and his blood disappears.)
Evil Authoress: Er...how'd that happen? I didn't know you could read ancient Egyptian!
JK: I can't. But when you've seen The Mummy Returns as many times as I have, then you sort of memorize what Alex said when he brought Evy back to life..
Evil Authoress: Oh.
Angel K.D: Kaiba, when you killed Joey---that was hilarious!
Seto: Wasn't it? It's a shame that people don't stay dead in fanfics.
(Cygna-hime takes out dagger.)
Cygna-hime: Care to test that ideal, Seto?
Seto: On second thought, go fanfics!
JK: Glad you see it my way, Seto.
(Cygna-hime puts away dagger. JK looks around to see half the audience is hyper from the sugar on the refreshment table)
Evil Authoress: YAY! More hyper people! You're all ma bruddas!
Joey: Duh...why does someone talk like me? Dose are ma lines!
Todokanunegai: YAY! SUGAR IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL! (jumps up and down)
Evil Authoress: Shut up, Joey. JK, I have to say. You really did well with the audience.
JK: Hmm? How so?
Evil Authoress: There are no Malik fans!
Yami angel: That's not exactly true. I'm a Malik fan.
Evil Authoress: You are?
(Yami angel nods.)
Evil Authoress: MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!
Saurons Twin Sister: Oh, shut up people. (throws popcorn at Evil Authoress)
Evil Authoress: Yes...but that doesn't change the fact the Malik is mine!
Saurons Twin Sister: Yes...but that doesn't change the fact that you need a serious shower once you get home. (throws more popcorn at Evil Authoress)
Evil Authoress: HEY!
Saurons Twin Sister: (shrugs) Hey, Malik can I join you in your plans for world domination?
Evil Authoress: What part of "mine" didn't you understand?!
Saurons Twin Sister: And after the world is mine, I'll kill him! (laughs evilly)
Evil Authoress: Oh...fine then. Can I help?
Saurons Twin Sister: MY WORLD! GET YOUR OWN!
Vanilla (to JK): When Mai killed herself...that was absolutely terrible! (cries) All the blood and the pain...
Evil Authoress (muttering): And the joy...
Vanilla: It was so sad... (continues to cry)
(JK hands her a tissue.)
Vanilla: Thank you.
JK: Okay. Well, that's it for the first part! See you next chapter! And I'm sorry it took so long to write this, but I blame the writer's block. (bashes it on the head) ^^ Please review and ja ne!
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh or The Mummy. So don't sue!
JK: I've finally decided to continue!
Seto (brightly): Is this by any chance a fic where Yami dies?
JK: No... (points to title)
Seto: Wait...(remembers what this is) No! Not this fic!
JK: I hate being greeted by such unenthusiastic characters. I'll have to make everyone suffer three-fold then.
Yami: Kaiba's just weird! See, I'm enthusiastic! (jumps up and down)
Evil Authoress: Or just stupid and in need of rabies vaccinations.
JK: Yami! I told you to keep away from Tea!
Yami: Can we just...begin? I want to get to the kissing scene!
Isis: I don't want to get to the kissing scene! JK, take your time!
JK: Yeah, yeah. First I have to introduce everyone and hand out the popcorn. I am the director, Evil Authoress here (formerly Dark Shadows) is the stage manager, and Jenrya Lee is in charge of costumes and props.
Evil Authoress: That means that backstage, everyone listens to me!
Jenrya: ...
Seto: I listen to no one but myself, you miserable, poor excuse for a girl.
Evil Authoress: Shut up you miserable, RICH excuse for a girl!
Malik: Whoa...Kaiba's a girl? (takes out tape recorder) Could you say that again? I want Isis to hear it.
Isis: I heard her, Malik!
Malik (looking downhearted): Dang.
JK: Before you all get carried away, let me introduce the audience members! The person who gets the first seat is Lynx wings.
Lynx wings: Hi everyone! And hello to Joey, Yami, and Weevil!
Joey: Yeah! My name was said separately 'cause I'm loved!
Lynx wings: No...I just said yours, Yami's, and Weevil's names separately because you count as no one, so I couldn't include you when saying everyone.
Joey: That's right! Wait a minute---HEY!
Seto: Wheeler the Chihuahua---forever slow on the uptake.
JK: The next person is Serenia.
Joey: That's it Kaiba! I'm sick of takin' crap from you! So take out your cards an' let's get it on!
Evil Authoress: Not in front of us!
Seto: See...he IS slow on the uptake. He replied thirty seconds after I insulted him. Pathetic soul.
Serenia: Hey, what do you mean, "not in front of us"? (Sorry if I make you seem kind of naïve if you're not, it's just I needed someone to say that and you said I could make up your personality.)
Evil Authoress: Ask Joey. His sick mind came up with it.
JK: I'm sure that when Joey said "Let's get it on" he didn't mean it like THAT.
Evil Authoress: You can never be too sure.
Joey: I AM NOT GAY!
Malik: (puts away tape recorder sadly) Damn...everyone is ruining my fun today!
Evil Authoress: Shut up. (glomps him)
JK: Next on our list of audience people is Hikari-Melanie.
Hikari-Melanie: Hi Kaiba!
Seto: Er...
JK: Seto, the audience loves you. All the more reason to enjoy this fic.
Seto: NEVER!
JK: Kaiba-boy seems to have found my stash of sugar cubes.
Seto: Hmm...I like sugar but I---wait. You have a stash of sugar cubes?!
JK: Well... (watches as Seto runs off to find secret sugar cube stash) KAIBA YOU STEAL MY SUGAR AND YOU WILL PAY!
(Seto laughs evilly.)
JK: Damn...there goes my inspiration.
Evil Authoress: Screw him. Go on with the audience members.
JK: But...my sugar!
Jenrya: Here. (hands me sugar bag) Being in charge of props has its perks.
JK: I see. (takes bag quickly and sits on it) I'm pretty sure Seto's not that desperate...
Mokuba: You'll have to excuse my brother. He's been stressed out lately.
Llybian Minamino: Mokuba! (glomps him)
JK: Our fourth audience member has arrived.
Llybian: Hi.
Malik (choking): Stressed out...doing...what...oh GET HER OFF ME!
JK: Evil Authoress, get off Malik. We can't afford to have him die. Otherwise I'll end up with having to cast Tristan as Jonathan.
Isis: LET HIM DIE! ANYONE IS BETTER THAN MALIK FOR A BROTHER!
Evil Authoress: Fine. (lets go of Malik)
Isis: Damn it.
Jenrya: Hey Mokuba, what exactly WAS Kaiba doing that got him so stressed out?
Evil Authoress (muttering): Who, you mean.
Malik: My sister.
JK (smacking forehead): Shut up, the both of you. Since we're getting carried away, these are the next few people- Hotaruchan27, Todokanunegai, Angel K.D, Yami and Setos Gal---
Yami: Whoa whoa whoa. I have a fangirl?!
JK: It appears so.
Yami: YAY!
Yami and Setos Gal: I like Seto too, you know. Hence the name.
Yami: SO? I HAVE AT LEAST ONE FANGIRL OUT THERE! THANK YOU RA!
JK: Yeah. By the way, since you requested popcorn, here you go. (hands tub of popcorn to Hotaruchan27)
Hotaruchan27: Thank you! (munches on popcorn)
JK: Next we have Kittycatz.
(Kittycatz goes and sits next to Yami Bakura.)
Kittycatz: Hey Yami B.!
Yami Bakura: Er...hi. (takes bite out of raw meat) Can you leave?
Kittycatz: $@#^ you! (goes over to Yami) Hey Yami!
Yami: Pinch me I MUST be dreaming.
(Seto, who has somehow snuck back in without anyone noticing, pinches Yami.)
Yami: OW!
Seto: You DID ask.
JK: Anyway, next we have Yami angel, Cygna-hime, Penny: Angel of Darkest Dreams---
Penny: RYOU! (glomps Bakura)
Bakura: Um...might I request that you glomp a little LESS hard?
Penny: No. (glomps harder)
Bakura: Suffocating...(makes gagging sounds)
JK: Okay then! We also have Vanilla, Saurons Twin Sister, and Isis Hotep in the audience!
Isis Hotep: Can you make Duke a Medjai?
JK: Sure. (takes out casting chart) Well...yeah, but I have to get rid of either Para or Dox. You choose.
Isis Hotep: Dox. Leave Para.
JK: Okay then. Now that everyone has been introduced, refreshments are on that table. (indicates corner)
Jenrya: JK, there's no table there.
JK: Oh. Well, since you're in charge of props, you go get a table. And now we need refreshments...who here is rich?
Seto: Don't ask me. I'm broke, remember? Thank you oh great ruiner of Seto Kaiba's life!
JK: Is "ruiner" even a word?
Joey: JK, Kaiba definitely got into your sugar stash.
Seto: Did not! I couldn't find the damn thing.
JK: So, you're poor and slow. Anyway, who here possesses strong magic and can create food?
(Cricket sounds can be heard.)
Joey: Wait, there ain't no food?
JK: Damn...you ARE slow on the uptake.
Joey: Shaddap. (leaves and returns with backpack) This backpack has an unlimited amount of storage space, so I keep my food here.
Mai: You know what storage space is?
Joey: Yeah, actually, I do!
JK: Great. Put some food on the table and the audience members can take whatever they like. Everyone else, follow me backstage so we can begin.
~Backstage~
JK: Okay, is everyone prepared?
Evil Authoress (evilly): No, Mai isn't in her costume yet.
JK: Mai? (sees she's standing wearing MORE clothes than usual, much to her amazement) Why the hell aren't you in your outfit?!
Mai: You honestly expect me to wear THAT in front of Joey?
Joey: I don't even get to touch you!
Mai: It's bad enough you get to see me, hon.
JK: Mai...I don't really care whether or not you want to be dressed like that. I have my ways of making you obey, so you'd be better off doing it on your own. Frankly, I don't get why it's a problem for you.
Mai: Hey! Just because I like to show some skin doesn't make me...well...dishonorable!
Seto (scoffing): Yeah, just SOME skin.
Joey: Hey! Quit pickin' on her. Anyone can dress in any way dey want! It ain't your business!
Evil Authoress: Well, of course YOU don't mind. In fact, you enjoy it.
Mai: All the more reason why I'm not going 4/5 naked in front of him.
JK: I was hoping not to have to do this... (snaps fingers and Mai's credit cards appear in her hand) I'll try not to enjoy this TOO much. (takes out scissors and starts cutting up one)
Mai: STOP!
JK: Why should I listen to you? You obviously don't care about what I have to say. (snips second credit card)
Mai: OKAY! I GIVE IN! JUST DON'T DO IT ANYMORE!
JK (smiling): Glad you're being so reasonable, Mai. (gives her the credit cards and the outfit) Enjoy.
(Mai sulks but goes off to change.)
JK: Okay, let's begin. Yami Bakura, you're narrating since you're Ardeth- Bay.
(Yami Bakura looks up from his dinner, which he was viciously stabbing with a dagger.)
Yami Bakura: Huh?
JK: Narrate, stupid!
Yami Bakura: Oh yeah.
(Curtain opens on Joey in a chariot being pulled across the room by Tea in a horse outfit.)
Yami Bakura (in the background): Okay, people. Welcome to Thebes, City of the Living, and definitely not one of my favorite places. I mean, living people don't let you suck their blood! Where's the fun in a city like that? Anyway, it is in this city that the Pharaoh, Joey I, resides along with his mistress, high priest, and daughter, whom we don't find out about until the second movie but that's not the point.
(Joey gets off his chariot. Seto comes out and kneels at Joey's feet.)
Seto (muttering): Oh I can't wait till I kill him...
Joey: Priest, you must now lick my feet clean because I was out for a morning ride and my horse couldn't wait till we got home to crap and I stepped in it.
Tea (muffled by horse head): Hey!
JK (backstage): That's not in the script. (flips through it) No, definitely not. Oh well. (throws script away)
Seto: No thank you, Lapdog.
Joey: Who you callin' a lapdog, Rich Boy?! I can have you beheaded right now!
Seto: I'd like to see you try!
Joey: My bodyguards are powerful!
Seto: Yeah, a short little girl who carries around a teddy bear. That's powerful. And who's in charge of this miserable gang of fools with meager dueling skills?
Yami Bakura: Hey! That's my miserable gang of fools you're talking about, so you shut up!
Seto: Well then, I rest my case. As soon as you croak, Lapdog, their leader is going to suck you dry.
Yami Bakura: Not if I do you in first, Priest! Now let me continue my narrative. Anyway, little did the jackass Pharaoh know that his mistress--- (Mai comes out as Joey exits.)---was actually two-timing with his high priest.
(Joey drools backstage.)
JK: Joey, you're drowning us damn it!
Joey: But she's so---
Evil Authoress: (bashes Joey on the head with the Book of the Dead) Shut up and watch before I castrate you!
Joey: Eep! (shuts up)
JK (raising an eyebrow): Where'd that come from?
Evil Authoress: No where. I just want to see Seto and Mai suffer!
Yami Bakura: Pipe down back there! (looks at script) Yeah, and for their--- ew...do I really have to say that?
JK: Every word.
Yami Bakura (wincing): Anyway, it was a big sin or something for priests to have lovers and for people to betray the Pharaoh, but for their love, they were willing to sacrifice life itself. (turns away and pukes)
Yugi (thoughtfully): I didn't know yamis could puke...
JK: Seto, Mai, now!
Seto: I am not kissing her!
Mai: I am not kissing him!
Tea: I'll kiss Kaiba!
Seto and Isis: HELL NO!
Yami (gasping): Isis and Seto are going out!
Malik: What? (takes out tape recorder) I knew today wouldn't be that boring!
JK: Malik, shut up. Isis, shut up. Yami, shut up. Seto and Mai, MAKE OUT BEFORE I SHED SOME BLOOD!
(Seto and Mai kiss while Joey and Isis look as if they could kill someone.)
Seto (thinking): Mouthwash...I need mouthwash!
Mai (thinking): Hey, this actually isn't that bad! (hears Joey approaching and speaks) The Pharaoh is coming!
Seto (looking relieved): Then I better hide before I'm found. (walks offstage, muttering) Thank you, Ra. I will never stop worshipping you!
(Joey strolls in.)
Joey: Hi my whore---I mean, mistress. Nice lack of clothing.
JK: These people need to learn how to memorize lines!
Joey: Wait a minute! Why is your make-up smudged?
Mai: I...erm...it's supposed to be that way?
Joey: Oh, okay!
(Seto sighs wearily and walks onstage.)
Seto: Now, the moment we have all been waiting for! (pokes Joey with plastic sword)
Joey: Hey, Kaiba! Dat was uncalled for!
Mai (hissing): Joey, you're supposed to be hurt! (pokes him with plastic dagger)
Joey: HAH! YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL DA GREAT PHARAOH JOEY?!
Seto: Why, yes, actually, I do! (stabs him with real sword)
Joey: Ow... (passes out)
JK: SETO!
Seto (innocently): What?
JK: You weren't supposed to kill him for real, you dolt!
Seto: But he wasn't pretending to die!
Yami Bakura: I GET THE BLOOD!
JK: When the scene is over.
Yami Bakura: YES! I LOVE THE WORLD OF THE LIVING NOW!
Mai: Ahem...you're interrupting the scene!
Seto (muttering): If someone were to ask me, I'd say she's enjoying this WAY too much.
Mai: Go, Set---er, Imhotep, before they find you here!
Seto (thinking): That's not her line...oh well. (speaking) No!
Mai: You're the only one who can resurrect me.
(Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, Croquet, and Bakura run into the room.)
Yugi (tugging on Seto's robes): Master Seto, we weren't able to hold the guards off.
Mokuba: Yeah, and now they're coming because...Isis used her magic seeing into the future powers and they KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!
(Seto blinks.)
Mokuba: I mean, they know you've murdered the Pharaoh!
Seto (looking at Joey's corpse): Little Brother---
(JK coughs pointedly.)
Seto: I mean, Priest, that is no Pharaoh. That is the Pharaoh's lapdog.
Bakura: Might I suggest that we get going? I would like to keep my head on, for the time being.
(No one listens.)
Bakura: OKAY KAIBA, THAT'S IT! (takes out Millennium Ring) CHAIN ENERGY!
(Seto is bound and gagged by the energy ropes.)
Bakura: Shall we proceed, mates?
(The "priests" gape at him.)
Bakura (quizzically): Yes?
Mokuba: But...that's not something you would do...
Yami Bakura (wiping away non-existent tear): He is learning from me! I always knew my hikari wasn't hopeless!
Malik (backstage): Yeah, and is that why you like to cut him and turn him into a beverage occasionally?
Yami Bakura: Um...yeah.
(Bakura hoists up Seto.)
Bakura: A little help would be appreciated...
(Yugi, Mokuba, Rex, and Croquet all help drag Seto offstage.)
Seto (screaming): Wait until I get my hands on that weird albino moron! HE WILL SUFFER LIKE NONE HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE!
Bakura: Yes, we all know that, Kaiba. (waves at Mai) Good day to you.
Seto: Oh, and Mai? I'll ressurect you...
Mai: Oh, Seto, I knew you would rescue me!
(Everyone backstage pukes.)
Seto: ...when I feel like it! (laughs evilly as he disappears backstage)
(Mako, Para, Duke, Rebecca, and Serenity all run onstage.)
Rebecca: Who hath murdereth the Pharaoh?
(Backstage, JK smacks her forehead.)
Para: It was Mai, the Pharaoh's whore! (looks around expectantly) Why isn't my brother finishing my line?
Duke: Er...I'm surprised she didn't do it before?
Para: ...that works too!
Serenity: No! My brother was murdered! (cries)
Duke: Aw, Serenity, would you like me to comfort you? (pats her on the back)
Tristan (backstage): LET ME AT HIM! I'LL RIP HIS LUNGS OUT! I'LL RIP THAT DIE EARRING RIGHT OUT OF HIS EAR!
JK (backstage): Shut up before I sever your cone like I threatened to before, Tristan!
(He shuts up.)
Mako: Wait one moment...does this mean...? Yes, it does! We are no longer under Pharaoh Joey's control! We are free to frolic in the ocean's waves without any interruptions such as--- (puts on a high-pitched voice)--- "Guards, this whore is bothering me! Take her away!" or "My back itches!" or "How come there's water in the wine? I want new wine!" and let's not forget the oh so common "AH! A SCARAB! KILL IT! KILL IT!"
(Mako, Serenity, Duke, and Rebecca start laughing.)
Para: I don't get it.
Mai: I do. THAT WASN'T FUNNY, SEA-BOY! I WAS THE WHORE OF WHOM YOU SPEAK!
(Mako stops laughing.)
Duke: So...do we kill her and make the palace smell nicer?
Yami Bakura: No, see, for that, you'd have to kill that servant, Tea.
Mai: Forget this! I'll beat you to it, you brainless pigs! Er...now what was I supposed to say again? Ah, yes. My body is no longer his temple!
Evil Authoress (backstage): (stares wide-eyed) I GET IT!
Jenrya (backstage): Hentai... (shakes head)
(Mai pokes herself with the plastic dagger and pretends to die.)
(Curtains close as scene one ends and the Pharaoh's bodyguards cheer. Everyone who was backstage comes out to join the audience.)
JK (screaming at the cast): What the hell was that?! People, people! The only person who said at least one line correctly was Mai! MAI! YOU SHOULD ALL FEEL ASHAMED! ASHAMED I TELL YOU! Medjai people, none of you even had any lines! All you had to do was stare at Mai, then she was supposed to kill herself. (glares at Seto) AND YOU KILLED JOEY!
Seto: And then I was bound together with ropes made of magic. BIG DEAL! We made the play more authentic.
JK: Authentic! I'll show you authentic! (starts choking Seto)
(Jenrya pulls JK off Seto.)
Jenrya: You really want the fangirls on your back?
JK: Good point... (shudders)
Seto: INSANE AUTHORESS!
JK (ignoring Seto): Bakura did some nice improvising when he gagged Seto, so I thank you! (glomps Bakura)
Evil Authoress: Now you're going to have Penny on your back...
(JK lets go quickly.)
JK: Good point. But that was more of a...thank you glomp, not a bishie glomp.
Penny: RYOU YOU WERE WONDERFUL! (glomps Bakura)
JK (looking around): Hey, where'd Yami Bakura go?
Penny (still glomping Ryou): Oh, him? He went onstage.
JK (suspiciously): What for?
(Yami Bakura comes offstage, dragging Joey's corpse with him.)
Yami Bakura: I have a new source of sustenance!
JK: Put him down!
Yami Bakura: Why? I haven't had blood this fresh in...well...ten minutes!
JK: NOW!
Yami Bakura: Yes ma'am. (lets go of Joey)
JK: Jenrya, can I have the Book of the Dead?
Jenrya: Why should I keep serving you?!
JK: Er...for the sake of Joey's life?
Jenrya: That's not much of a reason, you know.
JK: Please? You're the only person with any idea as to where the props are!
Jenrya: Fine. (leaves and returns with the Book of the Dead)
JK: Now let's see... (flips to some random page and begins chanting in ancient Egyptian)
(Joey comes back to life and his blood disappears.)
Evil Authoress: Er...how'd that happen? I didn't know you could read ancient Egyptian!
JK: I can't. But when you've seen The Mummy Returns as many times as I have, then you sort of memorize what Alex said when he brought Evy back to life..
Evil Authoress: Oh.
Angel K.D: Kaiba, when you killed Joey---that was hilarious!
Seto: Wasn't it? It's a shame that people don't stay dead in fanfics.
(Cygna-hime takes out dagger.)
Cygna-hime: Care to test that ideal, Seto?
Seto: On second thought, go fanfics!
JK: Glad you see it my way, Seto.
(Cygna-hime puts away dagger. JK looks around to see half the audience is hyper from the sugar on the refreshment table)
Evil Authoress: YAY! More hyper people! You're all ma bruddas!
Joey: Duh...why does someone talk like me? Dose are ma lines!
Todokanunegai: YAY! SUGAR IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL! (jumps up and down)
Evil Authoress: Shut up, Joey. JK, I have to say. You really did well with the audience.
JK: Hmm? How so?
Evil Authoress: There are no Malik fans!
Yami angel: That's not exactly true. I'm a Malik fan.
Evil Authoress: You are?
(Yami angel nods.)
Evil Authoress: MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!
Saurons Twin Sister: Oh, shut up people. (throws popcorn at Evil Authoress)
Evil Authoress: Yes...but that doesn't change the fact the Malik is mine!
Saurons Twin Sister: Yes...but that doesn't change the fact that you need a serious shower once you get home. (throws more popcorn at Evil Authoress)
Evil Authoress: HEY!
Saurons Twin Sister: (shrugs) Hey, Malik can I join you in your plans for world domination?
Evil Authoress: What part of "mine" didn't you understand?!
Saurons Twin Sister: And after the world is mine, I'll kill him! (laughs evilly)
Evil Authoress: Oh...fine then. Can I help?
Saurons Twin Sister: MY WORLD! GET YOUR OWN!
Vanilla (to JK): When Mai killed herself...that was absolutely terrible! (cries) All the blood and the pain...
Evil Authoress (muttering): And the joy...
Vanilla: It was so sad... (continues to cry)
(JK hands her a tissue.)
Vanilla: Thank you.
JK: Okay. Well, that's it for the first part! See you next chapter! And I'm sorry it took so long to write this, but I blame the writer's block. (bashes it on the head) ^^ Please review and ja ne!