The Price Of Love
By Nadja Lee 25/03/03
Disclaimer: "Lord Of The Rings" belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien, and the movie to Peter Jackson and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money off of it.
Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without the permission of the author.
Timeline: Set before the LOTR: FOTR. AU
Universe: Book I guess but very AU.
Romance: Faramir/Boromir
Summary: Some loves are more forbidden than others, demanding a very high price. But those loves are often the ones which can never be broken.
Archiving: Want, ASK, take, have.
Feedback: Yes, please. My e-mail address is nadjalee2000hotmail.com
Webpage: http:www.boromir.50megs.com [Boromir: A hero's Journey]
Rating: R
Warnings: Dark, sad piece. Mentions death, violence, torture, rape and incest.
Sequel/series: None.
Author's notes: For Cruisedirector who inspired this. You're amazing in too many ways to mention!
With thanks to Cathain for great beta. You're the best!
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if you find it was worth it. Beloved brother, my heart was always yours, no one
could ever replace you and now no one ever will.
Now, as I lay broken on the cold stone floor of a prison cell I try not to
shiver, I try instead to remember the night we shared, the only night we ever
got. I try to recall your face, your touches, how your eyes danced with love
and light. You were so beautiful, your arms strong and your kisses sure and
heated. Everyone called you the fair and fragile one, the weak one, but in you
I've seen greater strength and courage than I have ever seen in any other man.
I knew from the day my feelings began to change from brotherly affection to
something more, something deeper, that it was forbidden. That it was a fantasy
and a desire I could never act upon. However I hadn't considered that you might
feel the same, I hadn't counted on you reacting to feelings similar to my own.
I would never do anything to hurt you; I would never deny you anything and my
love for you has never been a secret. I've loved you from the day you were born
and I'll love you till the day I die…and beyond if I have any say in it.
I think back now to that fateful night some two weeks ago. It was raining
heavily and you came to my bedchamber. You asked if you could sleep in my room
and I agreed, you often slept in my room and in my embrace, yet with years it
got rarer and rarer which I was both happy and sad about. Happy because then I
didn't need to deal with the growing and changing feelings I had for you yet
sad because I wished you near me, always have and always will. That night
changed everything. You made the first move. Lying safe in my embrace you
admitted to desires similar to my own. Only my fear for your safety made me
hold back as joy filled me when I heard those words. I warned of caution but
you reminded me that our father was away and shouldn't be back till two days
later. We would be safe. We both knew this love we were about to fulfil
wouldn't be understood by others, would be condemned and would mean the death
of us both should it be discovered. For me I had no fear. I've trained as a
soldier all my life and fear not death but I would never do anything that would
risk your safety. However I'm not made of stone and your words of assurance
sounded sure. I let myself melt into your embrace, get lost in your heat, your
kisses and touches. It was the most wonderful night in my life…never had I felt
so loved and special before. Never had I felt so good.
However with the memory of that one night also comes the memory of the coming
morning. I remember how my bedroom door was kicked in, I remember the look of
utter contempt and fury on our father's face as he saw us in bed together, saw
how you put your arms around me and I held you close to try and shield you.
Then everything happened at once. I jumped up and tore you with me to the other
side of the bed. I reached for my sword and pushed you behind me, fighting men
who had just the evening before looked at me with respect but now their eyes
held only contempt. You hadn't brought a sword with you so were forced to watch
me fight the guards. Of course I couldn't win, I knew I wouldn't. I had hoped
to get them to kill us in battle, gaining us both a honourable death. I should
have known our father's wrath wasn't that easily cooled. Though I had killed
and wounded several guards they refused to go for a killing blow. I got some
cuts but nothing serious before they, by sheer force in numbers, managed to
overcome me and tore my sword from my hand. They dragged me with them, ignoring
your pleas and concern as they forced me to my knees before our father. I
fought this humiliation but was pushed down anyway. Worried, I looked for you
and saw you were forced to your knees beside me. Father's face was like an
ice-cold mask, twisted with contained fury. As he lifted his hand I knew the
blow would fall but wondered whom he would strike first. I hoped it was me;
normally the first blow fall the hardest. My wish was granted as his fist
slammed into my face, making my head fly to the side and blood run out my nose.
I turned back to look into his eyes, refusing to back down or show the pain the
blow had given me. I tried not to flinch as his open hand made contact with
your cheek. The blow looked painful enough but I was glad to see he had indeed
used the hardest stroke first as I thought he would. His words as he spoke were
cold and hard, speaking of betrayal and treason. His words meant little to me
even as he went on about betrayal of him, Gondor and our family name. About
dishonour and deserting duty. Speaking of crimes done against morality and
nature. It was as if someone else was living this, as if it was all just a bad
dream. As from far away I heard him explain that bad weather had forced him to
turn back and as he had walked towards his bedchamber he had heard noises from
my room in the middle of the night. Always one to jump to conclusions and
always having been angered by my close relationship with you he had waited till
morning and had found his fears confirmed.
Through all this neither you nor I spoke. First when father ordered the guards
to take us away did I react. I turned to father, fought the guards and let
myself drop to my knees before him, ignoring the blush which coloured my cheeks
that this humiliation brought me. Ignoring your pleas for me to get up I kept
my head bowed as I plead as I've never pleaded before. Plead for my brother's
safety. My words fell on deaf ears and earned me nothing but a slap in the face
and father's disgust at this display of weakness. I was dragged to my feet and
together with you I was dragged through the hallways, towards the dungeon. You
fought to stay strong though I could see the fear in your eyes. I wanted to
comfort you, tell you everything would be all right but we both knew it
wouldn't be and if anything I would never lie to you. I hoped they wouldn't
separate us but I knew they would. As they dragged you away you yelled to me
you were sorry. I assured you I wasn't sorry and replied to your 'I love you'
with an 'I love you too'. I saw no reason to hold back now; we both knew this
was the end.
However the end didn't come as quickly as I had hoped. Father and the church
wanted me to publicly renounce my love for you, say that it was a sin, that I
knew I had been wrong in loving you. I couldn't do that, wouldn't do that. My
love for you, my sweet brother, is the only pure thing I have left. The next
many days all blurred into one as one pain replaced another. They started with
the usual, no clothes, locked in a small, dark and cold cell, no sleep, no food
and little water. Knowing as a soldier it would take way too long to break me
that way they began warming me up, the usual beatings coloured with insults
directed at me and you. The beatings turned into whippings and more days
passed. Pain grew into agony as one tormenter replaced another. Through it all
I tried to find solitude in the memory of you, in the love I have always seen
shining in your eyes. I hadn't betrayed you before, hadn't betrayed your love
then and I wouldn't do it now. Time ceased to make sense, nothing made sense
and nothing held any meaning. Nothing but the bittersweet memory of you. I
prayed you were safe but I knew you weren't. I hoped at least they would go
easier on you. Maybe they would as they had never expected much of you, you
hadn't let that many people down. Maybe they wouldn't. Uncertainty added to my
obvious discomfort.
Tormenters came and went. All had something different they liked to try to
break me with. One loved knifes and made small cuts all over my body, one loved
fire, leaving a trail of agony behind. Finally one tried humiliation, trying to
contaminate the sweet memory I had of making love to you with his cruel hands
as he forced himself upon me. I kept my eyes shut, biting my lip to bloods so
as to not yell out in pain and sought escape in my mind, in memories of you. He
was close but he didn't break me. I had too many memories of you. Whenever I
thought back, I saw you in my mind and you made this dark and painful place
light and bright with the memory of your love.
Just the thought of you makes me smile. Your love was always like a star, like
pure light. Always there, always guiding me. Never demanding, never
doubting…always my support…always my light. I smile faintly into the darkness
of my cell, curling up into a ball on the cold stone floor. I ache all over,
dried blood is everywhere on my body, I'm thirsty, hungry, the cuts on my back
are painful and denies me the sleep I want to claim. Yet still…still I can find
some comfort in your memory.
More time passes but somehow when someone this morning kicks me awake and I'm
dragged to my feet I know this isn't another day, this isn't another torture
lesson. I feel only light fear at what is to come. I pray my brother is safe…or
dead. Any way for him to have escaped what I've been through. The guards bind
my hands in front but my legs refuse to hold me up though I try to keep that
dignity at least. Instead the guards are forced to half carry me through the
halls and outside. Before I'm taken outside a woman binds a loincloth around my
genitals and in her eyes I see the first signs for sympathy I've seen since the
fateful night. For that I whisper a small thank you and the woman blushes and
smiles weakly at me, tears in her eyes as she steps back and bows her head in
respect for me. I wonder if she knows how much that gesture means to me yet
also how close to breaking me this painful reminder of what I was and what I've
been reduced to truly is. I'm lead outside and the bright sunlight hurt my eyes
and I look down. I see I'm standing on a podium, people gathered around it. Two
low tree blocks stand before me and a large man with his face hidden by a hood
stands beside them, an axe held loosely in his right hand. Beside him to his
left stands a priest, talking about sin, my sin to be precise. To his left
stands my father, his face as cold as ever.
I look around, trying to find that one person I both hope is there yet all the
same wish isn't. There! I see you across from me.
"Boromir!"
You let out a joyful yell and say my name almost as if it's a prayer when you
see me. Even now your voice calms me, it's still filled with warmth and love.
My eyes find you and to my sorrow I see your body is almost as damaged as my
own. You're also only dressed in a loincloth that revealed all too many scars
and wounds. We're forced to our knees before the priest and he goes on about
our great sin. I'm not listening, my eyes and thoughts are fixed on you.
"Are you well?" I ask faintly, my voice betraying lack of water and the fact
that in the last few weeks I've only used it to scream in pure agony. You smile
faintly.
"Yes," you answer, your voice betraying the same distress as me yet holds a
world of trust and love. I pretend to believe your obvious lie and smile back.
Just having you near me lessens the agony I still feel all over.
"I don't regret what we shared. It was the most wonderful thing I've ever had,"
I say softly and reach my bound hands towards him. He manages to hold my hand.
Awkward as our touch is due to the bonds it's still calming and loving,
bringing smiles to both our faces.
"I don't regret being with you, brother, but I should have…" you begin, guilt
and pain in your voice. I shake my head and your voice dies out.
"Don't. No guilt and no pain over me, brother. I should have taken better care
of you, been more cautious. If you'll forgive me this then I'll forgive you
what you foolishly believe to be your fault."
"There is nothing to forgive but if there was you would always be forgiven,"
you answer and lean in towards me. For the briefest, most wonderful moment our
lips meet and the kiss is as bittersweet as can be, tasting of blood from our
wounds and the salt from the tears running down our cheeks. Then we're
forcefully torn apart and painfully brought to our knees before each our block,
our necks blotted. We lock eyes as we face each other. As always your eyes are
filled with love and I only see a faith flicker of fear in your eyes and I feel
my heart wheal up with love and pride at your strength. Everyone has truly
underestimated you, my beloved brother; you're one of the bravest men I've ever
known.
"Wait," I yell as the man with the axe moves towards you. He stops a little
uncertainly and I hope he might have served under me, that without the mask I
might know him and therefore he might do as I ask.
"Kill us together," the request is unusual I admit but I can't stand to think
the thought of either leaving you behind or having to watch you die, your head
separate from your lifeless body. The man seem to consider my words but
something in my eyes seem to convince him because he nods and waves a guard
over to stand beside me. The guard takes out his sword and tests it against my
neck, careful not to actually let the blade touch my skin.
"Thank you," I say to the hooded man and he nods, looking uncomfortable for a
moment.
"He won't suffer," the hooded man promises as he moves to stand on the other
side of Faramir, on purpose giving me a clean line of vision of my beloved
brother.
I force a smile at Faramir and he smile back. I wish I could hold him as he
takes his last breath but this has to do. I could hope they would burry us
together but they'll probably burn our bodies. Not that it matters…. we'll be
free and we'll be together.
"I love you," you say to me, your eyes as warm and loving as your words.
"I love you too," I say back, watching in horror yet with a feeling of peace
inside as the hooded man raises the axe, ready to strike.
"Search for me on the other side. I'll be waiting for you," you promises and
smile at me, tears falling from your eyes.
"I'll find you. No matter what…I will find you," I vows, tears falling from my
own eyes as well and threatening to blur my vision. I fear I'll see the axe as
it cuts through your flesh but someone takes pity on me. I never see the stroke
fall but I know it will come and I know you'll wait for me. I will find you on
the other side, beloved brother. Maybe there our love won't be damned, but even
if it is my love for you will still be the only true and pure thing I have and
it'll always exist…always. With that as my last thought and your image as the
last thing I see I fade away, a small smile playing around my lips and dried
tears on my cheeks as the blade falls.
The End