Chapter 34: Slow Recovery.

But my recovery was not that simple. It was strangely unlike my father's death where I would wonder the halls. For a while, I still believe I had a sort of delayed reaction to the attacks.  For the entire two weeks, I was in the infirmary, I felt numb.  During the match and the days preceding it, and immediately following, I felt as if everything was back to normal.  It wasn't until a week after the match that it truly struck home.

Every night following the Quidditich match, nightmares plagued my sleep.  Every time I closed my eyes, Voldemort was staring at me, grinning in gross triumph. Sometimes, his form wavered and he took on the shape of my grandfather.  I'd be a child again, running through the moor, running from something, something I could never see. But I could never get away. I'd turn a corner, hiding behind a rock outcropping. I thought I was safe, and then there he'd be. With eyes blazing and wand at the ready, he'd leapt at me.  I remember the next part so vividly.

He'd rush at me, chanting a spell.  I'd see a long band of green light shot out from the wand. As it drew nearer, it got darker until there was no light.  But I was no longer on the moor. I was in a small dark room, surrounded by cold and screams.  I began to scream too, unable to bear the anguish that tore at my heart.  Then he'd laugh, high and cold.  The laugh would surround me, forcing itself into my ears, taunting me, worse than any torture he could have inflicted. And I'd wake up screaming. 

The first time this happened, Remus, James, and Peter were there in an instant. The laughing had become so horrible, I couldn't stand it, and I awoke to find myself, hands over my ears, curled up in a ball, pleading for someone, anyone to make it stop.  James had pried my hands away and was shaking me. I was still so petrified, I could barely move.

"Sirius! Wake up!" James shouted. It was as if someone had poured cold water over me. I sat up, my throat hoarse, my chest heaving.  I looked around the familiar room and the worried faces of my friends, even Lockhart in his ridiculous purple pajamas, looked worried. Though they asked, I refused to talk and simply turned my back on them.  I heard the curtains close, and each one get into his own bed.  I knew I wouldn't sleep that night. So I lay awake, listening to my friends and trying to rid from my mind, the memory of that hideous laughter.

It wasn't the last time. I'd have that dream three or four times a week. Each time, I would refuse to go back to sleep.  It got so bad that sometimes, I wouldn't sleep at all for fear of having that dream.  It seemed to me every time I did, I'd have it or some variation of it.  Even the few times, I'd fallen asleep in History of Magic class; I'd woken up screaming.

I'd fallen sleep as usual, in class.  And I had the dream, only this time; I was watching it as if from a far off cliff. I saw Voldemort chase the boy, not me, into a corner and trap him.  Then I was there, facing him.  He began laughing and I was in the small black room again, the screaming grew worse, louder than everything.  In each scream, voices condemned me, again and again.

"Murderer!" they screamed,  "You are guilty! And you will rot forever!"

"NO!" I shouted, trying to block the voices with my own, "NO! Please, no! Stop! I didn't! Never!" Then a name was ripped out of my throat, "JAMES!"

"Wake up! Sirius, wake up!" I opened my eyes. I was on the floor, my hands over my ears again.   I was breathing hard and James, Remus, Peter, Lily, and the rest were standing over me. Even Professor Binns was   floating next to me.

"Mr. Black, are you alright?" he asked. I sat up, panting.  I looked around, my fear diminishing only slightly. I got shakily to my feet and   crossed the room to the door. Yanking it open, I ran from the room. I ran until I got to the common room and up the stairs past a few second years and up to our dorm room. Once there, I began to pace.   I must have worn a hole in the floor that day. By the time I'd calmed down a bit, it was dinnertime.  I took my place at the table, but ate almost nothing.

My appetite diminished and the only way friends could get me to eat was to threaten to force feed me. Addi had gone back to school a few days before I was released from the infirmary and Remus insisted that if I did not start taking care of myself soon, he was going to write to her and tell her. But it did little. I simply had no appetite.

After about a week or two, I was getting no sleep and very little food, I was tired, irritated, and to be honest, frightened. My nerves were a wreak. I was jumping at slammed doors and arming myself whenever anyone raised their wand.  It gave Snape boundless joy to see me in such a state.  It worried my friends more than anything ever had before.  Even my teachers continuously asked if I was alright. I simply gave them a smile and told them I was fine. But I was not fine. I felt like I was going to drop dead from exhaustion any minutes, but still I did not sleep, and I barely ate.

"Sirius, this has gotten ridicules!" James told me.  It was about two weeks later and I was seated in the common room, a large book on my lap. I'd just told him I'd be up when I finished the book. Oddly enough, it wasn't that late and the common room was still filled.

"What?"

"You can't keep doing this. Are you never going to sleep again, then?"

"Of course! I said I'd be up. I'll be up!"

"No, you won't!  You don't sleep, you don't eat!"

"I eat!"

"Nearly Headless Nick eats more than you do! You're going to stay here and never eat and never sleep until you drop dead from exhaustion!"

"At least it'd be a reprieve from your nagging!"  The room was getting quiet now and our shouts were echoing.

"Sirius, maybe you should listen to him." Remus said, quietly.  He had still not fully recovered from the death of his father.

"Not you too! Look, I can take care of myself!"

"Not bloody likely!" James growled.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I growled back, tightening my fists.

"Mates! Mates!"  Remus shouted, diving between us before we attacked.  "Look, Sirius, we're just looking out for you."

"Then get the hell off my back!" I shouted.  Now Remus was mad too.

"We did that before and you showed up on my doorstep, bleeding and broken, three broken ribs, four bruised, a dislocated shoulder, bruises around your neck, and a concussion!  You are my friend, my best friend! I'm not losing you!"  Remus shouted.

"Especially not to your own foolishness." James said, softer now.  Remus looked close to tears.  James put his arm around Remus and Remus's shoulder's shook. It struck me just how much my friend had put up with in these last few years, losing his father, almost losing his best friend and girlfriend to a problem he'd done nothing about for three years, almost losing me again and losing one dear friend to the same terror that had murdered his father, and now this.

My head felt light under the weight of all I'd just absorbed.  I swayed on my feet.  I was just about to open my mouth to apologize when suddenly everything was dark.

I awoke to something cold and bitter in my mouth. I sat up, coughing.  I felt hands helping me and when I had stopped, they helped me lie down. I opened my eyes to see James, Remus, and Lily's faces.  They all smiled with relief when I frowned at them.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"The infirmary."  James told me. "You collapsed, just like I said you would."

"Oh."  Just then Madam Pomfrey came bustling up.

"Oh, so you're awake now? Good.  It's time for you to have another dose."

"Another does of what?" I asked, nervously.  She glared at me. Then she took a bottle and poured a small amount into a small spoon.

"Why, of Valaria, of course. You've practically starved yourself, young man. Gave us all an awful fright, it did." I shuddered. Valaria was a potion made to substitute food when someone couldn't eat actual food.  It was the wizard equivalent of an I.V., only much worse because you actually had to swallow the stuff.

"Oh come now, open up." I clamped my mouth shut. "Mr. Black, open your mouth or I will make you." I winced, but did as she said.  Before I could protest she shoved the spoonful in my mouth and I had no choice but to swallow. Remus and James laughed at my face.

"Serves you right, Padfoot."

"Oh shut up, Prongs."  James smiled. His smile was one of gentleness and relief.

"That is the first time you've said that."  One might think it odd that James was happy I was telling him to shut up, but obviously not Lily and Remus. They looked just as happy as he did.

"Now, no arguing.  You take a bit more of this sleeping potion, then we'll see how you feel." Madam Pomfrey pushed the small vile into my hands. I nodded, worried about dreams, but too tired to care.  Remus helped me unscrew the cap and tip back the bottle so I could drink. The liquid was warm and felt good going down my throat.  Darkness was almost instantaneous.

I recovered better than I had before.  After about a week, Madam Pomfrey felt I was well enough to leave, as long as I checked in every day to report if I felt sick, or had any dizzy spells, or what I had eaten, or whatever.  Remus and James made sure I ate, kept a fresh supply on sleeping potion on hand and were more or less always there for me.

It didn't make it hurt any less, but it made the pain a bit easier to bear.

The next night James pulled me aside. " Moony Padfoot, I need to tell you something." He pulled us up the stairs. He reached into his drawer and pulled something out. It was a small box

" Guys, I need your advice and Padfoot please, no jokes this time. You swear?"

" I swear, Prongs. What's up? He opened the box. Inside was a small blue tinted diamond ring.

" Wow."

" I'm thinking of asking Lily to marry me."

" Thinking about? You have this and you're only thinking about it? If I had something like this for Erin, I'd be on my honeymoon by now."

"Hey Padfoot, that reminds me. Does your sister like diamonds?" Remus asked. I looked at him, horrified.

"Hey it would work. We'd all be brothers." We laughed.
'Go for it, Prongs. Ask her."

The next morning Lily came down to breakfast, beaming, with a new ring on her finger.

Once I'd gotten a bit of my old self-back, I started dating again. I got kind of a reputation for being a rouge. You know the kind, where he'll sweep you off your feet, and at the first sign of commitment, turn tail and run. I didn't think I could handle a big commitment like that again. What if something happened to her? I couldn't stand it again. Love 'em, then leave 'em. That was me. You know, I must have dated every girl from Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Lockhart was furious.