Chapter 42: If You Could Change One Thing…

See for a while now, Dumbledore had believed that someone on our side had turned traitor. No one of course knew who it was. But it was someone close to us. That we knew. I didn't want to believe that one of our friends was a spy. But sadly, it was true.

I believe it was in September, that Dumbledore told us that Voldemort was after the Potters. Why, I didn't know. All I knew was I had to protect my friends. Not much changed between James and I. We were still as close as ever. So that's why when it came time to choose, he chose me.

It was around the third week in October when I got a note from James asking for me to come over later that night. I left Mari and the baby, and I  ventured out into the night. I did not like to  leave Mari alone, but James had said come alone. So I came alone.

" Sirius, I want to ask you something."

"Anything, Prongs."

"Do you know about the Fidelius charm?" he asked, pacing the room a bit.

" The one where a secret is concealed inside one person's soul."

"The secret keeper, yes. Padfoot, Dumbledore wants us to use the charm to hide and we want you to be our secret keeper." I sank down in a chair. My head was reeling. Secret keeper? This was bigger than godfather. This time I would hold their lives in my ability to keep my mouth shut.

" I don't know James. I don't know if I can do it." James laughed.

" Sirius Black is doubting himself? May I remind you who thought up the most daring pranks Hogwarts has ever seen? Who had the biggest ego this side of London? Who got the award for most detentions ever received in the history of Hogwarts and was proud of it?" I smiled slightly.

"I know Prongs, but this is different. This is your life, and Lily's life and Harry's."

"You've saved my life before." I sighed and slowly I nodded.

" Okay, Prongs. I'll do it."

" Great." The next night the spell was preformed and the Potters were in hiding.

" Padfoot." James said as I turned to leave.

"Yeah, Prongs."

"Thank you." I turned to look at him.

"What for? Making sure my friends live another day? I don't need thanks for that. Plus I have to. We have to send our kids to Hogwarts and make sure they find the map."

"I forgot about that." He laughed, then sighed. " I wish we were back there making them. I wish we were still young enough…" He didn't finish. He didn't have to.

" Me too. Prongs, me too."

For three days, I went about my normal routine. Remus asked where James and Lily were hiding all the time, but I pretended not to know. A feeling of suspicion crept into my head every time he asked. I told my self he was just worried about James, but the little feeling wouldn't go away. I became distant toward Remus and even my wife and sister. My beautiful little daughter couldn't even distract me. It's only now I realized Voldemort had succeeded in so many ways. He drove us apart. He made us suspect one another when the real traitor was right under our nose.

Then the feelings of doubt about my ability started creeping up on me. I had seen what Voldemort could do to his victims. I had seen them brake down. I had undergone  both the Crutatious and the Impervious.  I was in no mood to under go Avda Kedavra.  But  could I really hold out? If Voldemort came, and I was tortured,  could I withstand that  pain ? I wasn't sure. I wasn't  sure that  if he did come, I wouldn't  tell. I would never reveal James's secret but under that, I just couldn't be sure. It consumed me, I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. So After only three days I found myself at James's door.

"Sirius." He smiled when he opened the door.

"I can't do it, James." I rushed in. Harry got up and ran toward me.

"Pafoo!" he cried.  I picked him up and he laughed joyfully.

" Can't do what ?" Lily asked as she came in from the kitchen.

"Be your secret keeper. I just can't."

"Why not Padfoot?"

" I don't trust myself. I don't know if I could hold out if Voldemort came after me. You've seen what he does James. I just don't trust myself."

" You can do it Padfoot. I know you can." James punched me lightly in the shoulder. Something he hadn't done in a long time.

" No Prongs, we just can't take that chance." He sighed.

"Alright then, who do you suggest?"

" I've been thinking about this and I came up with someone."

"Who, then? Remus?"

"No, I just have this feeling. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I think Remus may be the spy."

"Remus ? why?"

" I don't know. I just don't know."

"Well then who?"

"Peter."

" Wormtail?"

"Yes, it's the perfect bluff. No one would ever suspect that you would use him He's weak and talentless. They all think you're using me. It's perfect. Voldemort will go after me and Peter will go into hiding and no one will know."

James thought for a long time. He looked at Lily, then at Harry who was tugging on my robe to get my attention.

"What do you think Lily?"

"I don't know, James. It sounds like a good plan. I have to say I would feel better if Sirius did it. But if you think it's best, I'll agree." She said softly, her bright green eyes bored into me. I kept my eyes on Harry.

 James nodded and put his hand on my shoulder.  Then he spoke." I trust you." Those three little words sealed our fate forever.

The next night I brought Peter and we preformed the spell. Peter stammered all the way, but he did it. That night as I said good-bye to the  Potters, I felt a strange feeling come over me. I felt as thought I would never see them again

James and I watched Peter go and we watched the empty space where he had been for a long time.

Then James turned to me. " Padfoot I want to thank you and I may never get another chance."

" James I want to thank you, for every thing you've done for me in all these years. Including all those detentions I got us in and for putting with my dumb jokes."

" So you finally realize they were dumb?" I punched him.

" You know what I mean."

" Yeah, I know." We were quiet for a while.

"I think I should go. It's getting late. Mari will worry"

"Yeah," we stood unsure for a moment, the we shook hands. We stared into each other's eyes. There was so much I wanted to say, but couldn't fit into words. I smiled as we realized how long we had been shaking hands. Neither one wanted to let go. Finally we did at the same time.

" I guess this is goodbye." I said softly.

" No, it's not goodbye. Sirius" He turned at stared up at the sky. I followed his gaze to the brightest star in the sky. To Sirius, the dog star. Then he said the last words we ever spoke to each other.

" Friends never say goodbye."

Then he turned and walked back to the house. I walked over to my bike and when I turned around I was James and Lily standing on the doorstep with Harry asleep in James's arms. They smiled and waved and for a second I forgot that we were never going to see them again. They were the perfect family. And I waved back. I strapped on my helmet and drove anyway.

Thing went fine for the rest on the week. I checked on Peter every day. But on Halloween night, my world ended.

I had arranged to check on Peter the next day, November first, Remus's birthday, but that night I slept badly.

I can still remember the dream I had.

I was flying over the ocean and I stopped on an island. Towering over me was a huge fortress. It loomed dark and foreboding. Feelings of sorrow and fear swept over me and then I was inside.

I wandered down the halls, trying to ignore the calls and weeping of the prisoners in their cells.

"Help us!" They cried. I hurried on. I felt some one watching me. I stopped and turned around.

Peering out at me through the bars of the nearest cell, was a man. Or at least he had once been. He was gaunt with a pale face and long matted hair. Every part of him looked white and dead. Except his eyes.

They were dark and so alive. They stared at me as if he envied me, and pitied me at the same time.

"Who are you?" I managed to ask.

He shook his head. " Does it matter?" His voice was horse like he hadn't used it in a long time.

"Well, yeah. What's your name?"

"What's yours and why's a kid like you in a place like this?"

"I don't know. I think I'm dreaming."

" I wish you were."

"My name's Sirius Black." He gave me a confused look and tilted his head to the side, almost like a dog.

" My name is Sirius Black. " It was my turn to be confused.

" But what are you doing here? What did you do?"

"Oh nothing much. Just betrayed my best friends and killed thirteen people." He said as if we were discussing the weather.

"What?" I couldn't believe it. Then he turned serious.

" I am innocent. I didn't do it. Peter did. You have to stop him. You have to save James and Lily.

"James? Lily? Peter?"

" Sirius, I am you. You have to stop him. Go."

And I awoke in a cold sweat.

I leaped out of bed and pulled on my gray robes.

" Sirius, what wrong?" Mari asked sleepily.

"Nothing, go back to sleep. I have to go see Peter." I kissed her and ran out the door.

I arrived at Peter's house and knocked on the door. No one answered. I frowned and knocked harder. Again no answer. I pulled out my wand to undo the lock when I realized the door wasn't locked. Fear crept into my veins. I pushed open the door. I searched the apartment for Peter but there was no sign of him. No sign of a struggle either, and I weren't sure if that was good or bad. Then the dog in me caught a whiff of something. Something that shouldn't be there. Something that no one should ever have in their home. And I ran.

I rode as fast as I could to Godric' Hollow. But I was too late. What had once been the Potter's house was now smoldering ashes.

James, Lily, Harry. I thought. I have to find them. I ran full out and I tripped over something. And I found them. James had his arms wrapped around Lily.  I could still see tears glistening on his still warm face. I had missed them by only minutes.  James was lying a look of terror on his face, his wand still in his hand like he had tried to protect his family. His glasses were knocked to the side and were laying broken on the ground. I picked them up and slipped them into my pocket. I closed his mouth and eyes. There now it looked more like he was sleeping.

"James, I'm sorry. I didn't know. God, please forgive me." I whispered. The I remembered something. But I understood what I had seen now. And the name, Wormtail whispered with such hatred that it had scared me before escaped my lips. I turned away so I didn't have to see him.

"Sirius?" hope surged in me. I spun around.  James's eyes were open and he was looking at me. I dropped to my knees.

"James, James. Oh my god!  You're alive!" I smiled. He shook his head.

"Not for long. Sirius, listen to me."  He clutched my sleeve.

"I'm here, James. I'm not leaving."

"Harry." He mumbled. "It's all up to him.  You have to take Harry, keep him safe. Do that for me, Sirius."

"But you're alive, Prongs.  You can take care of Harry." He shook his head.

"I was a fool, Padfoot. I should have told you, but I didn't. I was scared. Forgive me."  I shook my head, but he stared up at me, imploringly.

"If anyone needs forgiveness, it's me. I'm sorry, I didn't know."  Just as I said that, he said.

"You didn't know." We smiled, a remembrance of a time long past.

"Take Harry, protect him. Please, do that for me, Sirius." I nodded, tears now soaking my face.  He laid back, and closed his eyes.

I heard him say, so quietly I wasn't sure, "I'm coming, Lily." Then he breathed his last.

"No," I gasped. I shook him. "No! James! No! Don't die! You can't! James!"  Then the tears came.  In great wrenching sobs, they came. I rocked back and forth, holding James's cold stiff hand.  It was when I glanced up and saw Lily that they stopped.

 Lily had lain in his arms. It looked as if he'd crawled from wherever he'd been struck down to where she lay. She'd been killed.  He'd not bothered with torture like he had with James.   He probably used James's screams to try and frighten her.  But she hadn't given up.  Her face held a look of determination, and acceptance.  Then I saw why. Clutched in her stiff arms was Harry. And he was alive.

Harry was alive. I picked him up and he started to cry. That's when I saw the cut on his forehead. It was a strange cut like the shape of a lightning bolt, just like the one over my heart. I cleaned the cut the best I could and quieted Harry. Soon he was asleep. I wished I could sleep, or better yet wake up. From this horrible nightmare my world had become. I started at the rubble and my best friends bodies.

Then I felt a soft tap on my arm. I turned to see Hagrid.

" Sirius, I'm sorry." His eyes were red and his voice croaked when he talked.

I nodded. I wasn't even sure I could talk.

" Hagrid, they're dead. Dead." I held Harry closer as the tears came. Sobs racked my body and Hagrid had to hold me up. " Why," I sobbed. " Why James? Why Lily? Why my friends?"

He waited till my sobbing had lessened. " Sirius, I'm sorry, but I have to take Harry."

"Take Harry? Why?"

"He's going with his aunt and uncle."

"Petunia? She hates wizards. You can't send him there, they'll kill him!" I held Harry tight.

" They won't. Dumbledore's orders. He won't let anything happen to him. Not after what he's done?"

"Done?' I whispered.

"Why didn't you know? He's gone."

"Who's gone?"

"You-know-who! Harry drove him off.  He lost his powers."

"Harry?"

"Yes."

I smiled at the little boy who was now staring at me with Lily's eyes. Gone. He was really gone. But not without taking my best friends with him.

" I need to take him, Sirius."

"No, let me take him. I'm his godfather."

" I'm sorry. Maybe later when things calm down, you can claim him. But for now he needs to come with me."

I surrendered. I had no more fight left in me. "Alright. Take my bike."

"Are you sure? You love that bike."

"I won't need it anymore."

He didn't question me but took the bike. I gave him Harry. It felt like giving up a part of James. The last part I had.  Tears flooded my eyes as I realized this may be the last time I would ever hold Harry. I don't know what told me that. But I knew it. He flew away. And I turned to catching the one who had caused this. Peter.

Chapter 43: Innocent!

He wasn't that hard to find. Not I followed his scent. I cornered him on a crowded muggle street the next day. I think at this time I was already half mad at least. The deaths of my friends by someone I had trusted was almost too much. And the fact that I had suggested it. It was my fault. I had given him a perfect chance and he had taken it. I was a fool. Remus wasn't the spy. He never had been. Peter was.

" Peter ." I growled as I saw him

"Sirius, how are you?"

" You betrayed them, Peter. You killed them. Why?" I pulled out my wand. He sort of smiled a sick smile then twisted his face up like he was going to cry.

"Lily and James, Sirius! How could you?" Before I could recover he pulled out his wand and blasted the street apart. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by bodies. There was a huge hole in the street and rats were swarming out. In front of me was a pile of robes.

I looked around at all those lying around me, dead and wounded and others were looking at me like I might blow them up.

For some reason, I still have no idea why, I began to laugh.

I laughed and laughed. My whole world was gone. In 24 hours, everything I loved was taken from me. I understood why Hagrid hadn't let me take Harry. My plan had worked too well. They thought I did it. They thought this was me. All those who knew I was innocent were dead. No one would believe I hadn't done this. And all I could do was laugh.

I didn't resist when they came for me. Why should I? I had nothing to do, nowhere to go. I was still laughing when they took me away.