THE GAYTRIX:
A MATRIX PARODY ACTION COMEDY
DISCLAIMER: I Don't own any of the characters in this story. All characters and the idea of the Matrix are the product of the imagination of the Wachowski brothers. I've just rewritten it in my own style, and I hope you enjoy it! This is my first Fan fiction story, please review it.
The phone rang twice before Trinity answered it. She was relieving Cypher from his watch.
"You weren't supposed to relieve me," said Cypher.
"I know, but I felt like it," said Trinity.
There was a clicking sound that could be heard on the phone.
"Are you sure this line is clean?" asked Trinity.
"Yeah course I'm sure"
"I'd better go…"
The trace programme completed just before Trinity hung up.
Trinity was just hanging up the phone when a bunch of cops came in complete with Glock handguns.
"Freeze! Hands on your head! Do it, do it now!" they screamed
"I'm a woman," replied Trinity "I don't have a head"
"Not THAT head, your head on your neck"
"Oh" she muttered and obeyed. The cops advanced forwards and just as they were about to bust her ass, she turned round and belched and they all dropped dead to the floor. The cell phone rang. It was Morpheus.
"Morpheus" began Trinity "the line was traced I don't know how."
"I know" came a gruff reply.
"Shit, are there any Agents?"
"Yeah, I think so. Well yes, I'm just being annoying. Sorry"
"God Dammit!"
"You have to focus Trinity, there is a phone on that crappy street no one likes… you can make it."
Trinity tossed away the phone and ran. As she got to the end of the corridor she looked round to see an angry Agent Smith staring at her. She ran and Smith chased her. They ran across rooftops and Smith fired a few shots at her from his Magnum. She jumped from one building to another and landed with a quiet thud.
"That's impossible," said a cop who was watching from nearby. Agent Jones also jumped the gap and started to blast at her with his Desert Eagle. Trinity ran as fast as she could, narrowly avoiding the bullets, which were smashing into the scenery around her. She reached the end of the rooftop and she dived through a window and round a corner to where the phone was ringing. Just then, Agent Smith and the other two Agents, Agent Jones and Agent Brown came along in a dumpster and tried to destroy the phone. As Trinity ran for the phone, the dumpster stalled and she easily escaped.
"Crap, I knew we should have bought that limo, you are really bad at negotiations Agent Brown" said Agent Jones.
"It doesn't matter, we have the name of their next target, and the name is Neo. Better get a search running" said Smith
Sitting looking all drugged up and dozy, Neo was looking around on the Internet (at sites I'd best not mention). The screen went black and Neo woke up and it said
"Wake up Neo, the Gaytrix has you"
"What the hell?" muttered Neo
"Follow the dead rabbit"
"Follow the dead rabbit, someone hasn't read Alice in wonderland"
There was a knock at the door and Neo went to answer it. He looked on the arm of the woman who was there and there was a symbol of a rabbit with someone's teeth sunk deep into it and its head had fallen off. After being asked if he'd go with them, he agreed, even though he is feeling rather antisocial
At the nightclub Neo stood like a loaner in the corner. Trinity came up to Neo and blabbered crap about the Gaytrix and told him the answer to what the Gaytrix was is looking for him, but then unexpectedly had to excuse herself. Neo went home, and when he awoke the next day, he was late for work
"Shit, oh shit, shit" he cursed. He went to work. After his employer finished giving him the worlds most boring lecture about being on time, Neo went to his desk and sat down. Instead of doing work, he decided to give Sonic The Hedgehog level 2 another go. A delivery guy suddenly appeared gave him a phone, which immediately began to ring the second he opened it.
"Hello" Neo said timidly.
"Hello Neo, do you know who this is?" said a familiar voice
"Morpheus!" exclaimed Neo all excited and giggly like a schoolgirl.
Anyway to cut a long and involving speech short, Neo is informed the Agents are looking him for. He attempts to escape but is too much of a chicken shit when it comes to climbing out of windows. He is captured.
"Shit" mutters Trinity who is sitting on a hog at the time. She tails the car as it leaves for the Agent's interrogation room.
Neo is lead into a room, where Agent Smith speaks to him, telling him he knows stuff.
"Were going to be honest with you, Mr Anderson, you're here because we need your help. We know you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus. Now whatever you think you know about this person is irrelevant, it is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive."
Neo sticks his finger up at Smith who then makes his mouth disappear which annoys Neo since he likes eating. Then Neo appears in his bed again complete with mouth. He gets up and the phone rings. It's Morpheus again. Morpheus asks him if he still wants to meat. Neo says yes and is told to go to the bridge over by some street or other.
Neo, who by now is completely confused by the whole experience, pauses only to feed his mog before wandering around. Eventually he makes it to that bridge or other.
"You took your sweet time," complained Trinity
"Do you know how many bridges there are in this massive city, and you didn't tell me which one to go to. Considering how intelligent you're supposed to be, there you really sucked. In fact if I wasn't so fucking confused I think id-
"Neo, shut the hell up," moaned Trinity.
"Fine, whatever"
"Take of your shirt" said Switch
"What, help! Rape!" screamed Neo.
"No Neo, you idiot, we're not raping you, just do it okay." Stated Trinity.
"Why?"
"Its necessary for our protection from you dumbass" said Switch.
Anyway, they removed items of Neo's clothing and pulled out a penny stuck in his bellybutton.
"Shit, you were bugged," said Trinity.
"No, I just got that lodged in there earlier today before this seemingly virtual world appeared."
"WHAT" screamed Trinity "your not supposed to know what the Gaytrix is!"
"Eh?"
"Never mind"
As they continued to drive, Switch crashed the car and flew through the window. She smashed her face into the wall, and died.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
"Hey, why did we randomly get outside Morpheus's apartment?" inquired Neo
"Because the author is a lazy sod," exclaimed Trinity
"Let me give you one piece of advice" Continued Trinity. "Don't breathe on him, your breath is awful!"
"Okay, thanks," said Neo dejectedly.
Neo entered a well-furnished room with lots of chairs and other household items, including a lamp in the shape of George Bush.
An old bald figure twisted round.
"Hello Neo, as you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.
"Who?"
"Morpheus, I've rang you several times remember"
"Oh, yes of course you have" (turns to Trinity, look vacantly)
"Your here because you know something, what you know you cant explain etc… but its there like a splinter in your mind"
"Oh, so that's what that god awful pain is," said Neo relieved. He then proceeds to remove a little chunk of wood that is lodged in his head.
"Anyway the hell with the rest of this crap I have to say, do you want to know what the Gaytrix is?"
"Yeah sure, why not"
"Ok, then eat this red pill"
"What, I hate red, I'm not eating that. Get away from me, the Agents were right; you are dangerous and evil." Screamed Neo.
Just then, Switch came bursting through the roof, and knocked Neo unconscious. Then she slipped over on a lamp in the shape of George Bush, and died.
Whilst unconscious, Morpheus force-fed Neo the red pill.
After he and Apoc had finished playing a game of hangman on Neo's face, they woke him up.
For no apparent reason there is a weird silver mirror next to him, which he touches, and it starts to kill him.
"I'm having a really bad day," he moaned as he started to choke on the mirror which really shouldn't be there because it's stupid.
"Tank, I'm going to need a signal soon" said Morpheus.
"What, I've had one for ages, shall I use it?"
"YES!!!"
"Wow, take a chill pill. Oh sorry, you don't like pills do you."
"This isn't the time or the place to discus my phobia of pills Tank, you know I'm sensitive about it." Said Morpheus upset.
"What about the time when-"
"Hello, assholes" began Neo "I'm dying, do something"
"Oh shit, now Tank now"
Tank pushed some button, and Neo appeared inside a big red tank (not the ones used in military, the ones you keep fish in).
Anyway, I'm sure you've seen the film, so he hatches, fails miserably to swim, gets picked up by the Nebuchadnezzar, impaled by lots of sticks and then wakes up feeling a bit pissed.
"Am I dead" asked Neo.
"No, your alive" replied Morpheus.
"Well that's good news at least, unless I'm going to suffer more, like being put through tedious training exercises!"
"Errr…."
"Anyway," Morpheus continued "let me show you around the Nebuchadnezzar."
"Eh?"
"This is my ship, these are my crew, I suppose id better name them so you don't forget them"
"This is Trinity, but I'm sure you know that. This is Switch, Apoc, and Cypher," said Morpheus gesturing.
"The ones you don't know: This is Tank, and his big brother Dozer. They don't have holes in them cause their real humans."
"Then what the hell are we"
"I dunno Neo, we like to think of ourselves as weird freaks."
"Works for me," said Neo happily, until he realised he just dissed himself.
"Oh yeah" said Morpheus suddenly, "the little one behind you is Mouse"
Switch wasn't happy at the prospect of being called a freak, so she charged at Morpheus, but tripped over some cables, fell a long way and died.
"Good morning Neo" said Tank.
"What are you talking about, why have I randomly appeared in this bed, I was on the main deck. What's wrong with this script?"
"Look, just be quiet and come with me. Its time for your training."
"Ooh, sounds interesting."
Tank lead Neo and stuffed a pole into the back of his head. Neo made a face like he was letting off one hell of a fart, then appeared in a white room. Randomly Morpheus is also there for some reason.
"You wanted to know what the Gaytrix was Neo"
"Well…. Erm… not really, but you guys kinda forced me to know"
"The Gaytrix is everywhere, even here in this - sorry wrong line. Ill put it into basic terms that you can understand (and that you readers can understand too, since so many seem confused by this). World you in now real, world you in before fake. But now you're in a computer program in real world. The real world out there is real, however this is a fake world in the real world, but its not the fake world. World you in before we rescued you virtual reality program, not real. Got it?"
"Yes, that's so simple. God. How disappointing, I was expecting some crazy insane idea, like: once there were machines, and they got pissed for some reason and there was a massive war and they won, enslaved the human race.
"Well… actually"
Meanwhile in the real world, Switch ends the program and lets Neo and Morpheus out so they can blab about pointless crap, which I won't list here because I can't be arsed. However, she accidentally electrocutes herself and dies.
"I know kung-fu," exclaimed Neo randomly.
"No you don't you lying little shit, not yet"
"Oops, sorry, I meant: that's horrible, your sick, aaargghhh…"
Neo vomited all over a rather angry Cypher.
(Right, I'm skipping some more film now…)
"I know kung-fu"
"Show me"
Neo and Morpheus enter an … I forget… anyway it's a thing that is like the Gaytrix and have a big kung-fu fight.
Neo throws a punch, but Morpheus blocks it. They continue to punch and block for a while. Then Neo does three kicks and Morpheus blocks them all. Morpheus smacks Neo in the face and he goes flying backward. He twirls his legs around aimlessly and gets up and charges at Morpheus. Neo smacks and dodges, as does Morpheus for a while. Then Morpheus kicks Neo hard in the chest and he falls to the ground. Morpheus leaps into the air and comes hurtling down to land on Neo. Neo slides out of the way just in time, and punches at Morpheus's back.
Meanwhile, Cypher tells everyone that Neo and Morpheus are fighting and they all rush to watch. Switch trips over a chair, however and dies.
Morpheus grabs the punch, and attempts to counter it. However, Neo chops down on his and hand he is forced to let go. Neo's brutal attacks pushed Morpheus backwards, towards a pillar. Neo jumps over him, and runs up the pillar to land behind him, Morpheus is quite ready though, and boots him in the stomach sending him flying across the room and into a wooden beam.
"How did I beat you?" Questioned the victorious Morpheus.
"Because you do in the script," Replied a breathless Neo.
"Again" commanded Morpheus.
The two readied themselves for combat. Neo charged at Morpheus, and punched him in the face. Morpheus deflected most of the blow, but it glanced of his cheek. Morpheus responded with a volley of kicks, which were either blocked or dodged by his opponent. As Morpheus tired, Neo smacked Morpheus in the mouth and then tripped him.
"Haha, I win you suck" cried a triumphant Neo.
"Tosser" said Morpheus panting. "Tank, load the trump program."
The scenery changes, and the two of them are on top of a big fuck-off skyscraper.
"You've got to let it all go, Neo. Politeness, fear, shame. Free your ass". Then without warning, Morpheus farts tremendously and fly's up and over to the opposite building.
"No fair" shrieked Neo "you had beans earlier!"
But, Neo tried, but his fart wasn't powerful enough and he fell down and hit the ground and lived (don't ask)
After the trump program, Neo decided he needed some rest, so buggered off out of the script for a moment. However, he was soon called back, because he had to enter the Gaytrix for some reason or other, Mouse was rather vague.
Neo got that pole stuffed into the back of his head again, and made a face like he was really quite constipated before the virtual world loaded before his eyes. As always, Morpheus was there. This time he was avoiding eye contact because he was still rather annoyed at getting dissed by Neo in front of his crew.
"The Gaytrix is a system Neo, that system is our enemy." Said Morpheus as he walked past lots of random people who were completely ignoring him. Neo followed closely behind him, bumping into as many people as he could. But, there was a woman in a red dress, who came out of nowhere.
"Aaargh, I hate red," cried Neo
"Were you listening to me, or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?" asked Morpheus.
"I was trying not to look at her, I don't like red. It freaks me out, I've got a red phobia!" replied Neo nervously.
"Look again" instructed Morpheus
"I'd rather not"
"LOOK AGAIN!"
"Whoa! Take a chill pill," said a startled Neo.
"I… I don't like pills," came Morpheus's hesitant reply "now shut up and look again"
"Fine, whatever" sighed Neo. He looked round and the woman had morphed into Agent Smith.
"Phew, its not red. Aaargh, shit its an Agent!" cried Neo.
"Tank, freeze it"
The whole world around them stopped.
"Errr… Morpheus, your computer crashed" complained Neo.
"No you idiot, listen. This isn't the Gaytrix, it's a training program to teach you about Agents, and what they are."
"So… then all women in red are evil Agents, is that it?"
"You're missing the Point Neo," sighed Morpheus. "Forget it, ill explain it to you later"
The two of them were released from the training program only to find that back in the real world, sentinels were coming. Also, in a fit of panic, Switch had accidentally impaled herself on a rather large knife, and died.
"What's the situation Dozer?" asked Morpheus.
"We got sentinel activity coming this way, sir"
"Okay, set her down here and power down the ship."
"Wait!" shirked Tank "I've got really far on space invaders, cant we do this later"
"Ignore him," commanded Morpheus. "Shut it down"
"Okay" said Dozer, and did. Trinity walked into the cockpit, just to stare at Neo for a bit longer.
"What's a sentinel?" inquired Neo.
"Their machines designed for search and destroy. They tickle you do death, by tickling you so much you cant breathe and you suffocate." Replied Trinity.
"Wow, that's cool. Do we have anything like that?"
"Nope, we just have these weird looking hovercraft thingies"
"Damn" said Neo disappointed.
"Quiet you too" said Morpheus in a voice just that above a whisper.
Anyways, the sentinel is lazy, so doesn't bother to do anything here apart from try and look menacing, but just looks rather tame and stupid. End Scene.
Power is restored, and whilst the other members of the crew are playing charades,
Cypher was meeting with Smith.
"So, I get you Morpheus and you stuff me back into the Gaytrix, right?"
"Yes" replied Smith coolly. "Then we have a deal?"
"Oh shit, its Switch" panicked Cypher. Smith turned round to see Switch closing in on their positions.
"She cant find me, do something you stupid Agent"
Smith glared at Cypher, then shot Switch in the back repeatedly when she wasn't looking. Switch slumped to the floor, keeled over and died.
"No offence, about before" replied Cypher nervously.
"Then we have a deal?" said Smith slowly
"Yeah, we have a deal." Replied Cypher coolly.
"Neo, come on, time to go and see her" exclaimed Morpheus, just as Switch was telling Apoc what a complete idiot he was (for no apparent reason, I just thought it would spice things up).
"See who, I hope it's not your mother again. No offence, but the woman is a freak"
"No, the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen" said Tank, wide eyed.
"Use the ointment, it will reduce swelling of your eyes" said Switch
"It's not safe," complained Tank.
"Yes it is, watch" Switch put some in her eyes, screamed with pain, collapsed on the floor and died.
After a hot and sweaty drive (Morpheus's car doesn't have air-con) the gang arrived at the crap set of flats where the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen was waiting for them.
Morpheus and Neo ascended to the 20th floor, where Switch was standing in front of them.
"Switch, your not supposed to be in this scene" exclaimed a rather irritated Morpheus. Just as they were about to erupt into an argument, Agent Jones came charging through the wall and shot Switch repeatedly in the chest with his Desert Eagle Magnum. Switch slumped to the floor dead.
Morpheus and Neo ran away, and hid. After a while, the Agent got sick of looking for them and decided he would go and shoot some random people, and left.
Finally, the two arrived at the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen's place.
"This isn't special service, open the frickin door Neo" complained Morpheus, surprised to see Neo expecting him to open it.
(Anyway, skip some more, to the scene where Neo meets woman who tells you shit that's going to happen.)
Woman who tells you shit that's going to happen farts as Neo enters the room.
"Mmm, smell good don't they?" she exclaimed.
"Not really, you weird freak"
"And don't worry about the vase"
"What vase" Neo looked round and knocked over a vase with is elbow.
"You idiot! That was expensive!" screamed the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen angrily.
"But you said don't worry about it" replied a rather confused Neo
"Yes, it's carefully balanced and looks unstable, I didn't say go and knock it over you clumsy idiot!"
"I'm sorry."
"Ahh, well. I'll smack you later. Anyway, your not the One yet, now fuck off, I'm a busy woman." The woman who tells you shit that's going to happen went silent, and gestured for him to leave.
"What was said, was for you, and for you alone" said Morpheus "but unfortunately for you I herd almost every word because you were so bloody noisy. Why can't you be quiet?"
"Sorry" muttered Neo.
Mouse, the rather pointless little character who won't shut up about impulses and women in red dresses, was busy gazing at a poster of (no surprise here) a woman in a red dress.
"Operator?" said Tank as Mouse phoned him.
"Yeah, this is the part where you supposed to tell me about the trap?"
"Oh yeah… Shit, they've cut the hard line it's a trap get out"
Mouse panicked, and quickly grabbed his Gatling gun and fired insanely as the FBI who were searching alongside the Agents got to his location on one of the lower floors first.
"Aaargh" screamed Mouse, as he emptied bullets into the FBI people. The small band of FBI were Underequipped, and though they sprayed the room full of bullets, they only wounded Mouse. Mouse managed to kill all but one, who morphed into Smith.
"Oh shit" said Mouse
"Smith will suffice," replied Smith as he pulled the trigger repeatedly. Mouse's lifeless corpse dropped to the floor, and Smith left to rejoin with his fellow Agents.
Meanwhile, Trinity drove to pick them up to take them to an exit. A cat walked past. A cat walked past. (It was of course the déjà vu cat). Switch went to stroke the cat, but it scratched her, and she fell backwards and out of a window, and died.
"Operator?"
"Tank, I've seen the déjà vu cat, get us the hell out of there"
"I know, just hurry and tell Morpheus, ill find a structural layout of this building and gaze at it for a little while." Said Tank quickly.
They first had to escape the building. But on the way out, some homeless guy challenged Morpheus to a game of scrabble and Neo was forced to wait. An impatient Trinity along with Apoc and Switch came into the building to find out what had happened.
"Just a minute" said Morpheus, "I'm almost done here"
As Morpheus was about to put down the winning word, the homeless guy morphed into Agent Smith.
"What! No fair, cheater, you lose." Screamed Morpheus.
"Run" cried Trinity.
The team took off, as Smith chased them. Jones and Brown soon accompanied him, and the two of them charged up the stairs after the gang of rebels.
"There getting closer" said Apoc, who handed a gun to Neo.
"I hope the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen gave you some good news," said Apoc hopefully.
(Hehe, how wrong he is, poor fool. Oh, Sorry)
As the three Agents closed in, Switch pulled out a Glock and emptied a clip into Brown. He dodged every bullet and responded with his own Desert Eagle Magnum, and shot Switch in the kneecaps, and she fell over backwards over the edge of the balcony and down 20 floors where she hit the ground and died.
"Tank" began Morpheus, "Get us the hell out of here"
"I'm playing checkers with Dozer, call me later" complained Tank.
"Tank, if you don't do this ill tell everyone about YOUR phobia"
"Ok" said Tank desperately, "Go to the 28th floor, and crawl down some pipe wall thing."
Carefully, they made it to the 28th floor, using an alternate route.
They climbed into the walls and were doing well, until Cypher screamed.
"Aaahh, shit. It's a big hairy spider"
"Shut up Cypher, you idiot you'll get us all captured or killed"
"Oh, sorry"
"The walls, there in the walls" said Agent Brown. Agents Smith and Jones emptied Magnum rounds into the wall. Neo returned fire, but Smith and Jones did there cool bullet dodging and they all missed.
"Trinity, you must get Neo out, he's all that matters," exclaimed Morpheus.
"No, Morpheus don't, the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen told me that…"
"We have to!" Shouted Trinity.
Morpheus dived through the wall and landed on top of Agent Smith.
"The great Morpheus. We meat at last"
"Yeah whatever Smith, I'm gonna kick your ass!" screamed Morpheus.
The fight begins! Morpheus swiped at Smith, but he simply bent backwards and dodged the blow, then booted Morpheus across the room and he smashed into a sink.
"Ow, that's not very nice," moaned Morpheus.
Morpheus charged at Smith, and kicked him, but Smith blocked it, grabbed Morpheus's leg and threw him into the wall. He came down with an almighty thud and smacked his face into a toilet. Morpheus groaned, but quickly got to his feet. Smith punched at Morpheus, but he ducked and kicked Smith in the back. Smith skidded past Morpheus, and ducked his second kick. Spinning round, Smith blocked two punches from Morpheus, who was getting desperate. Smith did a chop and smashed Morpheus into the floor, and then proceeded to boot him across the room. Morpheus impacted with the toilet (again) with a satisfying thud. A desperate Morpheus stumbled to his feet and jumped against the wall where he kicked repeatedly at Smith. All his blows were deflected however, and as he threw the final punch, Smith grabbed his hand, twisted it round and threw him headfirst into the toilet (for a third time!) Morpheus slumped to the ground, defeated.
Smith stood up and left the room.
"Take him," he said, emotionlessly, mainly because Agents don't have emotions, but never mind.
The other two Agents walked in and tickled Morpheus repeatedly until he fell unconscious from oxygen deprivation from laughing too much.
"Noooo!" screamed Tank. (He lost the game to Dozer and was slightly upset about Morpheus being captured and all that).
Meanwhile, Neo Trinity, Apoc and Switch were working towards finding an exit. Some SWAT team people came along and ordered them to freeze. Trinity drew her two Uzi's and blasted away. Neo and Switch took cover, and poked out occasionally to exchange some gunfire of their own. Trinity shot a SWAT guy in the chest several times, and he collapsed backwards. There were three more SWAT team members. A bullet whirred past and struck Switch in the left leg.
"That hurt!" she complained, popped her head out and shot the SWAT guy in the face, who literally flew backwards and smashed into a wall, dead.
The remaining two SWAT team members moved in close for the kill. Neo dived out and gunned them both down. One died, the other was badly wounded. As Trinity walked past him, she put a bullet into his chest to silence his miserable whining. However, a wounded Switch was dejected and had to follow them limping. "I'm not very good at this," she complained. Shortly after this, Switch fell into a river and died.
"Tank, its Cypher, I need an exit"
"Got one ready, the phone across the road"
"Ok"
Cypher escaped the hellish Gaytrix, and returned to the Nebuchadnezzar. He then proceeded to fart, killing Dozer instantly, and also apparently killing Tank sometime later.
Neo and the others finally arrived at the phone. Switch had insisted on stopping of at Pizza hut and getting a Ham and Mushroom pizza and since the others were there and hadn't eaten in ages, they grabbed themselves some pizza also. Anyway…
"You first" said Trinity.
Neo picked up the phone, but the line was dead. Trinity phoned the operator, but Cypher answered instead. He explained what a massive traitor he is, which rather unsurprisingly made Trinity rather angry. She also wished she hadn't saved him some pizza. Amazing the things that run through your mind in an extremely life threatening situation isn't it?
"If you have anything terribly important to Apoc, say it now"
Trinity looked frantically at Apoc
"Trinity?" he said nervously.
Cypher pulled the plug and Apoc dropped to the floor dead.
"Noooo! You Bastard!"
"Don't hate me Trinity, I'm just a massive traitor. Oh, and if you want to say anything to Switch, do it now"
"Not like this!" said Switch tearfully "Not like this!" then she dropped to the floor and died.
"God dam you Cypher," shrieked Trinity.
"And now, I'm going to kill Neo, because he is an annoying twat. But first, I'm going to waste time, so my plan will fail because that's what all villains have to do. It's the rules, and its what the scriptwriter wants me to do also.
Anyway, Tank wasn't dead, he was just unconscious, and he wakes up and shoots Cypher in the head. Cypher drops to the floor dead, and Tank frees Neo and Trinity.
"Oh, by the way, they captured Morpheus and are trying to learn how to use him to gain access to Zion's mainframe computer."
"This story has it in for us doesn't it" complained Neo.
"Right" exclaimed Tank "Zion is more important than me or you or Morpheus so were going to have to pull the plug." Although he was trying to hide it, he was afraid. Wuss.
"What! Don't be a fool Tank, two people already died from plug pulling, we don't want this story to be samey now do we. So I'm going in to rescue him, that will boost moral." Said Neo suddenly.
"Then I'm going with you," said Trinity.
"Yeah, sure. Why not"
After outfitting themselves with a respectable amount of guns, Neo and Trinity marched into a building full of very fat security guards.
"Anything to declare" questioned a guard.
"Yes," said Neo "Your too fat and I'm going to shoot you."
With that, Neo pulled out two Uzi's and started to line the guards with bullets. The guard in question flew through the air backwards and landed on the floor some twenty feet away filled with holes. The two guards on the left dropped their hamburgers and newspapers and reached for their pistols. Neo laid waste to them both before they could pose him any threat. There were two more guards on the other side, but Trinity did the same as Neo. The guards stumbled backwards, colliding with an alarm as they fell, and making a hell of a lot of noise. All but one was shot to shit before the fat assholes could even react. The one remaining one screamed like a girl, and then got kicked in the face and died.
At that moment, a rather large amount of backup solders came charging into the lobby.
"Freeze" they said.
Neo and Trinity looked at each other, then turned and belched together as loud as they could. The soldiers opened fire instantly, with a massive array of machineguns and shotguns. However the bullets could not penetrate the sheer fore of the belch and the stinky shockwave flew through the air and concussed them all instantly.
"Hehe" said Neo giggling like a schoolgirl (for the second time so far) "that was good fun".
They got into the elevator.
"Hmm," said Neo. This place isn't nearly broken enough. He pulled out two pistols and shot up all the pillars. "That's better"
They got into the lift and went up to the top floor.
"I'm supposed to stand by the window and talk about how wonderful the Gaytrix really is, but I can't be arsed, so I'm going to move straight onto interrogating you and poking you with grey liquid." Said Smith slowly and coolly. Agent Brown gave Morpheus weird grey liquid injection so he would eventually crack and tell them the codes to Zion's mainframe computer.
"Urgh" spluttered Morpheus unhappily.
"Anyway" began Smith casually "Jones, Brown, fuck off. I need to talk to him alone."
The other two Agents looked blankly at each other, then back at Smith. He was looking deadly serious so they walked outside, and went to discus some good Internet chat sites.
"I'm going to be honest with you Morpheus, I hate this place, this reality. The Gaytrix is full of gay people. And as a perfectly straight man, I don't like it at all. Its filthy, its disgusting and it involves… well anyway, I just thought id tell someone. I feel much better now."
At that moment, the other Agents walked back into the room
"There may be a problem," said Agent Brown.
Neo and Trinity arrived at the top floor leading to the roof of the building.
"You smell awful Neo," said Trinity rather suddenly
"I do?" said Neo inquisitively
"Yeah, you haven't showered."
"Neither have you"
"Good point Trinity. I have an idea."
Neo took out his lighter and held it up to the skyscrapers sprinkler system, and water pored out over the two of them, cleaning them.
"Find them and destroy them!" exclaimed a soggy and rather pissed off Agent Smith.
Meanwhile, after they had quite finished using up more time than they should by showering, Neo and Trinity proceeded to the rooftop. There were several guards waiting to ambush them. As soon as Trinity poked around the corner, she got shot at.
"Shit" she said and pulled her head back inside as the bullets pinged off the wall.
"Don't worry" said Neo, as he produced a grenade and blew two of the guards off the roof. Then he dived from one piece of cover to another and shot two more men to death. They collapsed in a bloody heap with cries of agony. Shortly after this, Trinity threw a knife at the last ones balls.
"Oooorrrggh" he screamed in agony as he realised he wasn't going to have kids… ever.
Then the other cowardly bastard who hid behind a barrel morphed into Agent Jones!
Neo turned round and shot the Agent repeatedly with his two Glocks, but Jones dodged every single bullet. Neo's guns clicked, he had no more ammo for them. He dropped them on the floor.
"Trinity… help"
However, Trinity was busy putting makeup on, and was in no position to provide any useful support.
The Agent started to fire off bullets and Neo tried to imitate the dodging that the Agents do so well. He dodged several bullets and was chuffed, until one struck him in the leg and another in the shoulder.
"Ow, shit" he said as he fell over. The Agent closed in for the kill
"Only Human… well you're not even human you're a lowlife scum really," said Agent Jones, smiling. He raised his Desert Eagle and pointed it at Neo's head.
Just then Trinity pointed her own gun to the head of Jones.
"Dodge this!" she said and pulled the trigger. Jones did dodge the bullet unlike in the film, and laughed evilly, but Trinity sneezed and the force of it sent Agent Jones flying of the building to his death.
"How did you do that?" Trinity asked
"Do what?"
"You moved like they do, I've never seen anyone move that fast."
"Yeah, well I used to go to dance class."
"Cool"
"Trinity, can you fly that chopper?"
"What chopper?"
"That one that's appeared out of nowhere, because the writer like to make things randomly appear to keep the audience involved."
"Oh, not yet."
"Eh?"
Trinity picked up her phone, and called Tank.
"Operator" came the familiar sound.
"Tank, I need you to teach me how to fly a B-212 helicopter". Tank gave her instructions over the phone, referring to the buttons as "glowy things".
"Now I can fly it, I think," said Trinity after a while.
"What do you mean… think"? Replied Neo nervously.
"Well I didn't understand all of what Tank said… but I think I know what to do"
"Oh well, we can't wait any longer, so the hell with it, lets go"
Anyway, it turns out Trinity really sucks at flying, and ends up crashing into the building. But they managed to jump out and get into the room with the Agents and Morpheus.
"You idiots, what good do you think you can do against us?" mocked a rather surprised Smith.
"Us? Were here to rescue Morpheus!"
At that moment, Switch came flying along in another chopper and started to empty the room with minigun bullets. Neo and Trinity had escaped, but the Agents were trapped. Agent Jones was shot to shit before he could react, Agents Brown and Smith returned fire on the chopper.
Whilst the Agents were rather distracted, the other two rescued Morpheus and left the building.
"I want a bigger part in this story!" complained Agent Brown. And for this complaint was also shot to shit by Switch in the chopper. However, the minigun (which really isn't all that mini) ran out of bullets. Smith shot the chopper several times in the fuel tank, and it spun out of control and smashed into the building opposite. It exploded in a big pretty glowy fiery thing, and Switch died.
Trinity and Neo escaped with the rather confused Morpheus.
They made it to the subway. Morpheus exited first. Trinity started to get all mushy and sentimental on Neo, so he told her to save it for later, and she disappeared inside the phone also. Switch was third, but as she was about to get out, a homeless guy who was watching turned into Smith and he shot the glass and the phone. Shards of glass shot out everywhere and impaled Switch who dropped to the floor and died.
"Mr. Neo" said Smith as he walked towards Neo.
"We haven't had a big fight yet, don't you think we should?"
"Yeah, good point Smith."
Neo drew his gun, which he got from… somewhere… look, everything has continuities, so either shut up and enjoy this or stop reading. Smith drew his, the charged towards each other and blasted repeatedly. They both missed, until they ran out of bullets.
"Your empty" said Smith.
"So are you?" said Neo in retaliation.
"Oh no, I still have one bullet left."
"Hey, no fair"
Smith laughed evilly and coldly, and prepared to blast Neo in the face, but Switch began to shoot him. Smith began to dodge the bullets, but this gave Neo enough time to escape and reload his gun. After Switch ran out of bullets, Smith charged towards her. Switch spin-kicked at him, but he blocked it, and threw a punch in return. Switch just managed to evade this. She initiated a fly kick, but Smith deflected her and kicked her in the back as she landed. Switch flew through the air and cart wheeled to regain her balance. Spinning round, Switch did a low kick, and hit Smith in the leg. He snarled in anger and punched her in the stomach. Switch wheezed, and punched Smith, however this time the Agent deflected the blow. Smith threw a hard, fast punch. Switch grabbed Smith's fist and twisted him around, but he counter attacked, and tripped Switch, then whilst she was falling in mid-air, punched her across the room. Switch smashed into the side of the subway station and slumped to the ground in a bloody heap. Shortly afterwards a train hit her and she died.
"Bastard!" shouted Neo, who charged at him, firing away madly. As Smith dodged, he fly kicked him into a wall. Smith rose quickly and began to repeatedly pummel Neo, then kicked him in the face. Neo flew backwards through the air and collided with a pillar. He slumped to the ground, breathing heavily and rapidly.
"Come one Neo, get your ass up and kick his," said Trinity, who was watching every now and then, but was rather involved in a game of pictionary with Tank.
Neo coughed up some blood, then rose to his feet and gestured for Smith to come over and fight him some more. Smith snarled and charged towards him. Neo threw a punch, but Smith blocked it and threw his own. It was also deflected. Smith threw two more punches, but they missed and smashed harmlessly into the pillar behind (poor pillar, its having a rough day). Then Neo responded by high-kicking Smith in the face, and knocking off his cool dark shades.
"I'm going to enjoy watching you die," Smith mocked.
The fight continued, but it was obvious that the enraged Smith was gaining the upper hand. Neo managed to evade his first couple of furious swipes, but the next stuck him in the chest.
"Oof" he muttered as he recoiled backwards. He quickly recovered, jumped into the air and threw five consecutive kicks at Smith. Smith blocked the first 4, then grabbed Neo and twirled him round, whereby he hit the ground with an almighty thud. Neo coughed up some more blood, and stumbled to his feet. His vision was blurred.
"Wow, my vision hasn't been this bad since the last time I was completely wasted" muttered Neo concerned.
Smith took the momentary brake to adjust his tie, which had come a bit loose during their intense fighting. This enraged Neo and he gathered all his strength. Neo charged towards Smith and punched at him, Smith blocked and then he tripped Neo, and punched him whilst in the air (as he did to Switch) and he flew through the air and smashed into the wall. He got up, just in time to see a train come hurtling towards him. Smith jumped down beside him and held him in a strong strangle hold.
"Hear that sound?"
"No Smith, you're covering my ears!"
"What? Oh sorry"
Smith lowered his grip so Neo could hear properly.
"Anyway, the train is going to hit you and your going to die"
"SMITH! Quick, look behind you" screamed Neo.
"I'm not going to fall for that you moron," retorted Smith.
"Okay, fine," moaned Neo, who then punched him in the groin.
"OW! Foul play" screamed Smith. Neo jumped out of the way of the train, which smashed into Smith killing him instantly. Neo slumped down, exhausted. A loud screeching sound could be heard. The train was stopping, Neo started to run. He looked back just in time to see Agent Smith in another body getting off the train.
"Well fighting him was a big waste of time, but it was entertaining," said Neo.
Neo ran for his life, and stole some random civilians phone.
"Hey, that asshole stole my phone!" screamed the civilian, who's pathetic whimpering was soon silenced when he morphed into an Agent.
Across the street, two people who were just leaving the local grocery store morphed into Agents Brown and Jones. Neo ended the current call on the phone and called the Tank.
"Operator" came the incredibly samey and predictable response on the other end.
"Tank, get me the hell out of here, I've got Agents closing in on my position!"
"Eh? Oh right, just keep running, then turn down that alley. Ok, now enter the bar, walk up to the woman in the blue dress, and tell her I think she is well fit!"
"Tank" screamed Neo breathlessly "Stop fucking around, my life is on the line here!"
"All right, fine." Tank exclaimed depressed "turn left now"
Smith was closing on Neo, and started to fire off bullets at him. Neo ducked down and dived down the alleyway, narrowly missing a bullet from Smith's Desert Eagle.
"Move your ass, get up that ladder," shouted Tank. "Get to room 303 on the 33rd floor."
"Ok, just be ready for me!" cried Neo, and then discarded the phone.
As he headed towards the elevator, he saw Agents Jones and Brown.
"Don't you ever give up?"
"Nope" said Agent Jones
"The wages are great," said Agent Brown.
They both drew their guns. Neo dived down the corridor to the left, and ran up the stairs. The Agents followed closely behind, firing of bullets whenever they got the chance.
Finally, Neo reached the 33rd floor. Agent Brown was close behind him, and Agent Jones had spawned at the end of the corridor and was firing at him. The bullets whistled past Neo's head, and he plunged head first into room 303. He looked up to see the phone, but as he was about to answer it, Agent Smith dropped through the roof and landed in front of him.
"It must be difficult, to have come so far only to fail now" mocked Smith.
"Shit" said Trinity, "Tank you have to send me in there, we cant let him die, not now! Besides I want to screw him."
"Then I'm going with you," said Morpheus.
"I also know how important he is. The two of them plugged into the Gaytrix, and Tank hacked in, placed them at the floor above, as close as he can get them. Unfortunately, hacking alerts the sentinels to the location of the Nebuchadnezzar.
"MOVE" Tank shouted, "He's right below you"
"This isn't over yet Smith."
"Oh yes it is Neo, its over. You've failed."
Smith laughed, Neo began to give up hope.
Meanwhile, an enraged Trinity booted a rather surprised Agent Brown off the edge of the building where he fell to his death. Agent Jones came charging round the corner, and fought with both Trinity and Morpheus. Trinity punched and kicked wildly, as did Morpheus, and eventually they were able to knock Jones over, and Trinity shot him in the face.
"NEO" screamed Trinity.
"Trinity… help!"
"There is no help for you" Smith said, raised his gun and squeezed the trigger. The sound echoed down the hallway. Neo looked down to see a hole in his chest. Smith fired again, this second shot send Neo recoiling backwards into a wall and slumped down a bit. Smith grit his teeth, and started to shoot him constantly, again, again, again, six, seven, eight, nine shots. Neo slumped to the ground slowly, leaving a smeary red bloodstain on the wall behind him. He forced himself to look upwards, and he could see Smith's gun smoking and Smith himself gritting his teeth in anger. Neo tried to clutch his multiple chest wounds, but his arms just wouldn't respond. He felt cold, very cold. His vision blurred, and his head slumped to the floor. The last thing he saw was Smith's fine stylish shoes before his eyes closed, and he died.
A smile came over Smith's face. Trinity and Morpheus burst round the corner, but Smith had already left.
"Neo" sobbed Trinity, "I know you can hear me. You can't be dead, you can't be. The woman who tells you shit that's going to happen said that I would fall in love and that man, the man that I loved would be the One, so you see you cant be dead, you cant be… because I love you. You hear me? I love you!!"
The speech was great, and very moving, but nothing happened.
"Get up Neo" cried Trinity.
Morpheus's phone rang. It was Tank.
"Sir, we've got sentinels coming, we need you here"
"Understood Tank, get me an exit"
"Use the one in room 303"
"Okay, on my way".
"Come on Trinity, he's gone. I'm sorry." Said Morpheus dejectedly.
Trinity and Morpheus left the Gaytrix and returned to the real world.
"Tank, what's the situation"
"We've got 5 sentinels coming up fast ETA… 4 minutes."
"Charge the EMP"
However, back in the hallway, Neo's eyes flicked open and he stood up. Smith turned around slowly and glared at him.
"That's not possible… how?" he shrieked. Smith drew his Desert Eagle and fired off an entire clip at Neo
"No" muttered Neo. He raised his hand, and stopped all the bullets dead in their tracks. Then he looked at them, and with the power of his mind made them drop to the floor.
"You are really starting to put a cramp on my style" shouted a rather agitated Smith. He came charging towards Neo, and punched and kicked him repeatedly, but Neo blocked every single attack.
"How is this possible?" said Tank happily
"He is the One!" said Morpheus.
Neo finished blocking the attacks, and dived into Smith. Then he exploded Smith from the inside out. Bits of Smith's code flew out across the room and Neo breathed deeply and then relaxed.
"Neo!" shrieked Trinity, as the sentinels were almost upon them by now.
Neo ran for the phone, and got out of the Gaytrix.
"Now Tank! Use the EMP!" commanded Morpheus. Tank flipped the switch and disabled all the sentinels.
Neo kissed Trinity repeatedly until her gums bled. (Which Neo considered most unattractive, made up some lame ass excuse and left).
Then he went back into the Gaytrix, and to a payphone. He dropped in a few coins and spoke.
"I know you're out there. I know you're afraid, afraid of change. I didn't come here to tell you how this was going to end; I came here to tell you how this is going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world (well a virtual world, but that's good enough for me) without you, a world without borders or boundaries, without rules or limitations, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."
Neo then hung up the phone, stole someone's sunglasses (hey, he is the One, he can do what he wants!) and put them on, then flew up into the sky and across the sunset. However, since he was celebrating, (him being the One and all), he was rather pissed and kept crashing into buildings…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Written By Hunter.
There, that's it. That's the end. I hope you enjoyed it. If I get positive feedback I might right the sequel, which will be unimaginatively titled The Gaytrix Reloaded.
A MATRIX PARODY ACTION COMEDY
DISCLAIMER: I Don't own any of the characters in this story. All characters and the idea of the Matrix are the product of the imagination of the Wachowski brothers. I've just rewritten it in my own style, and I hope you enjoy it! This is my first Fan fiction story, please review it.
The phone rang twice before Trinity answered it. She was relieving Cypher from his watch.
"You weren't supposed to relieve me," said Cypher.
"I know, but I felt like it," said Trinity.
There was a clicking sound that could be heard on the phone.
"Are you sure this line is clean?" asked Trinity.
"Yeah course I'm sure"
"I'd better go…"
The trace programme completed just before Trinity hung up.
Trinity was just hanging up the phone when a bunch of cops came in complete with Glock handguns.
"Freeze! Hands on your head! Do it, do it now!" they screamed
"I'm a woman," replied Trinity "I don't have a head"
"Not THAT head, your head on your neck"
"Oh" she muttered and obeyed. The cops advanced forwards and just as they were about to bust her ass, she turned round and belched and they all dropped dead to the floor. The cell phone rang. It was Morpheus.
"Morpheus" began Trinity "the line was traced I don't know how."
"I know" came a gruff reply.
"Shit, are there any Agents?"
"Yeah, I think so. Well yes, I'm just being annoying. Sorry"
"God Dammit!"
"You have to focus Trinity, there is a phone on that crappy street no one likes… you can make it."
Trinity tossed away the phone and ran. As she got to the end of the corridor she looked round to see an angry Agent Smith staring at her. She ran and Smith chased her. They ran across rooftops and Smith fired a few shots at her from his Magnum. She jumped from one building to another and landed with a quiet thud.
"That's impossible," said a cop who was watching from nearby. Agent Jones also jumped the gap and started to blast at her with his Desert Eagle. Trinity ran as fast as she could, narrowly avoiding the bullets, which were smashing into the scenery around her. She reached the end of the rooftop and she dived through a window and round a corner to where the phone was ringing. Just then, Agent Smith and the other two Agents, Agent Jones and Agent Brown came along in a dumpster and tried to destroy the phone. As Trinity ran for the phone, the dumpster stalled and she easily escaped.
"Crap, I knew we should have bought that limo, you are really bad at negotiations Agent Brown" said Agent Jones.
"It doesn't matter, we have the name of their next target, and the name is Neo. Better get a search running" said Smith
Sitting looking all drugged up and dozy, Neo was looking around on the Internet (at sites I'd best not mention). The screen went black and Neo woke up and it said
"Wake up Neo, the Gaytrix has you"
"What the hell?" muttered Neo
"Follow the dead rabbit"
"Follow the dead rabbit, someone hasn't read Alice in wonderland"
There was a knock at the door and Neo went to answer it. He looked on the arm of the woman who was there and there was a symbol of a rabbit with someone's teeth sunk deep into it and its head had fallen off. After being asked if he'd go with them, he agreed, even though he is feeling rather antisocial
At the nightclub Neo stood like a loaner in the corner. Trinity came up to Neo and blabbered crap about the Gaytrix and told him the answer to what the Gaytrix was is looking for him, but then unexpectedly had to excuse herself. Neo went home, and when he awoke the next day, he was late for work
"Shit, oh shit, shit" he cursed. He went to work. After his employer finished giving him the worlds most boring lecture about being on time, Neo went to his desk and sat down. Instead of doing work, he decided to give Sonic The Hedgehog level 2 another go. A delivery guy suddenly appeared gave him a phone, which immediately began to ring the second he opened it.
"Hello" Neo said timidly.
"Hello Neo, do you know who this is?" said a familiar voice
"Morpheus!" exclaimed Neo all excited and giggly like a schoolgirl.
Anyway to cut a long and involving speech short, Neo is informed the Agents are looking him for. He attempts to escape but is too much of a chicken shit when it comes to climbing out of windows. He is captured.
"Shit" mutters Trinity who is sitting on a hog at the time. She tails the car as it leaves for the Agent's interrogation room.
Neo is lead into a room, where Agent Smith speaks to him, telling him he knows stuff.
"Were going to be honest with you, Mr Anderson, you're here because we need your help. We know you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Morpheus. Now whatever you think you know about this person is irrelevant, it is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive."
Neo sticks his finger up at Smith who then makes his mouth disappear which annoys Neo since he likes eating. Then Neo appears in his bed again complete with mouth. He gets up and the phone rings. It's Morpheus again. Morpheus asks him if he still wants to meat. Neo says yes and is told to go to the bridge over by some street or other.
Neo, who by now is completely confused by the whole experience, pauses only to feed his mog before wandering around. Eventually he makes it to that bridge or other.
"You took your sweet time," complained Trinity
"Do you know how many bridges there are in this massive city, and you didn't tell me which one to go to. Considering how intelligent you're supposed to be, there you really sucked. In fact if I wasn't so fucking confused I think id-
"Neo, shut the hell up," moaned Trinity.
"Fine, whatever"
"Take of your shirt" said Switch
"What, help! Rape!" screamed Neo.
"No Neo, you idiot, we're not raping you, just do it okay." Stated Trinity.
"Why?"
"Its necessary for our protection from you dumbass" said Switch.
Anyway, they removed items of Neo's clothing and pulled out a penny stuck in his bellybutton.
"Shit, you were bugged," said Trinity.
"No, I just got that lodged in there earlier today before this seemingly virtual world appeared."
"WHAT" screamed Trinity "your not supposed to know what the Gaytrix is!"
"Eh?"
"Never mind"
As they continued to drive, Switch crashed the car and flew through the window. She smashed her face into the wall, and died.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
"Hey, why did we randomly get outside Morpheus's apartment?" inquired Neo
"Because the author is a lazy sod," exclaimed Trinity
"Let me give you one piece of advice" Continued Trinity. "Don't breathe on him, your breath is awful!"
"Okay, thanks," said Neo dejectedly.
Neo entered a well-furnished room with lots of chairs and other household items, including a lamp in the shape of George Bush.
An old bald figure twisted round.
"Hello Neo, as you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.
"Who?"
"Morpheus, I've rang you several times remember"
"Oh, yes of course you have" (turns to Trinity, look vacantly)
"Your here because you know something, what you know you cant explain etc… but its there like a splinter in your mind"
"Oh, so that's what that god awful pain is," said Neo relieved. He then proceeds to remove a little chunk of wood that is lodged in his head.
"Anyway the hell with the rest of this crap I have to say, do you want to know what the Gaytrix is?"
"Yeah sure, why not"
"Ok, then eat this red pill"
"What, I hate red, I'm not eating that. Get away from me, the Agents were right; you are dangerous and evil." Screamed Neo.
Just then, Switch came bursting through the roof, and knocked Neo unconscious. Then she slipped over on a lamp in the shape of George Bush, and died.
Whilst unconscious, Morpheus force-fed Neo the red pill.
After he and Apoc had finished playing a game of hangman on Neo's face, they woke him up.
For no apparent reason there is a weird silver mirror next to him, which he touches, and it starts to kill him.
"I'm having a really bad day," he moaned as he started to choke on the mirror which really shouldn't be there because it's stupid.
"Tank, I'm going to need a signal soon" said Morpheus.
"What, I've had one for ages, shall I use it?"
"YES!!!"
"Wow, take a chill pill. Oh sorry, you don't like pills do you."
"This isn't the time or the place to discus my phobia of pills Tank, you know I'm sensitive about it." Said Morpheus upset.
"What about the time when-"
"Hello, assholes" began Neo "I'm dying, do something"
"Oh shit, now Tank now"
Tank pushed some button, and Neo appeared inside a big red tank (not the ones used in military, the ones you keep fish in).
Anyway, I'm sure you've seen the film, so he hatches, fails miserably to swim, gets picked up by the Nebuchadnezzar, impaled by lots of sticks and then wakes up feeling a bit pissed.
"Am I dead" asked Neo.
"No, your alive" replied Morpheus.
"Well that's good news at least, unless I'm going to suffer more, like being put through tedious training exercises!"
"Errr…."
"Anyway," Morpheus continued "let me show you around the Nebuchadnezzar."
"Eh?"
"This is my ship, these are my crew, I suppose id better name them so you don't forget them"
"This is Trinity, but I'm sure you know that. This is Switch, Apoc, and Cypher," said Morpheus gesturing.
"The ones you don't know: This is Tank, and his big brother Dozer. They don't have holes in them cause their real humans."
"Then what the hell are we"
"I dunno Neo, we like to think of ourselves as weird freaks."
"Works for me," said Neo happily, until he realised he just dissed himself.
"Oh yeah" said Morpheus suddenly, "the little one behind you is Mouse"
Switch wasn't happy at the prospect of being called a freak, so she charged at Morpheus, but tripped over some cables, fell a long way and died.
"Good morning Neo" said Tank.
"What are you talking about, why have I randomly appeared in this bed, I was on the main deck. What's wrong with this script?"
"Look, just be quiet and come with me. Its time for your training."
"Ooh, sounds interesting."
Tank lead Neo and stuffed a pole into the back of his head. Neo made a face like he was letting off one hell of a fart, then appeared in a white room. Randomly Morpheus is also there for some reason.
"You wanted to know what the Gaytrix was Neo"
"Well…. Erm… not really, but you guys kinda forced me to know"
"The Gaytrix is everywhere, even here in this - sorry wrong line. Ill put it into basic terms that you can understand (and that you readers can understand too, since so many seem confused by this). World you in now real, world you in before fake. But now you're in a computer program in real world. The real world out there is real, however this is a fake world in the real world, but its not the fake world. World you in before we rescued you virtual reality program, not real. Got it?"
"Yes, that's so simple. God. How disappointing, I was expecting some crazy insane idea, like: once there were machines, and they got pissed for some reason and there was a massive war and they won, enslaved the human race.
"Well… actually"
Meanwhile in the real world, Switch ends the program and lets Neo and Morpheus out so they can blab about pointless crap, which I won't list here because I can't be arsed. However, she accidentally electrocutes herself and dies.
"I know kung-fu," exclaimed Neo randomly.
"No you don't you lying little shit, not yet"
"Oops, sorry, I meant: that's horrible, your sick, aaargghhh…"
Neo vomited all over a rather angry Cypher.
(Right, I'm skipping some more film now…)
"I know kung-fu"
"Show me"
Neo and Morpheus enter an … I forget… anyway it's a thing that is like the Gaytrix and have a big kung-fu fight.
Neo throws a punch, but Morpheus blocks it. They continue to punch and block for a while. Then Neo does three kicks and Morpheus blocks them all. Morpheus smacks Neo in the face and he goes flying backward. He twirls his legs around aimlessly and gets up and charges at Morpheus. Neo smacks and dodges, as does Morpheus for a while. Then Morpheus kicks Neo hard in the chest and he falls to the ground. Morpheus leaps into the air and comes hurtling down to land on Neo. Neo slides out of the way just in time, and punches at Morpheus's back.
Meanwhile, Cypher tells everyone that Neo and Morpheus are fighting and they all rush to watch. Switch trips over a chair, however and dies.
Morpheus grabs the punch, and attempts to counter it. However, Neo chops down on his and hand he is forced to let go. Neo's brutal attacks pushed Morpheus backwards, towards a pillar. Neo jumps over him, and runs up the pillar to land behind him, Morpheus is quite ready though, and boots him in the stomach sending him flying across the room and into a wooden beam.
"How did I beat you?" Questioned the victorious Morpheus.
"Because you do in the script," Replied a breathless Neo.
"Again" commanded Morpheus.
The two readied themselves for combat. Neo charged at Morpheus, and punched him in the face. Morpheus deflected most of the blow, but it glanced of his cheek. Morpheus responded with a volley of kicks, which were either blocked or dodged by his opponent. As Morpheus tired, Neo smacked Morpheus in the mouth and then tripped him.
"Haha, I win you suck" cried a triumphant Neo.
"Tosser" said Morpheus panting. "Tank, load the trump program."
The scenery changes, and the two of them are on top of a big fuck-off skyscraper.
"You've got to let it all go, Neo. Politeness, fear, shame. Free your ass". Then without warning, Morpheus farts tremendously and fly's up and over to the opposite building.
"No fair" shrieked Neo "you had beans earlier!"
But, Neo tried, but his fart wasn't powerful enough and he fell down and hit the ground and lived (don't ask)
After the trump program, Neo decided he needed some rest, so buggered off out of the script for a moment. However, he was soon called back, because he had to enter the Gaytrix for some reason or other, Mouse was rather vague.
Neo got that pole stuffed into the back of his head again, and made a face like he was really quite constipated before the virtual world loaded before his eyes. As always, Morpheus was there. This time he was avoiding eye contact because he was still rather annoyed at getting dissed by Neo in front of his crew.
"The Gaytrix is a system Neo, that system is our enemy." Said Morpheus as he walked past lots of random people who were completely ignoring him. Neo followed closely behind him, bumping into as many people as he could. But, there was a woman in a red dress, who came out of nowhere.
"Aaargh, I hate red," cried Neo
"Were you listening to me, or were you looking at the woman in the red dress?" asked Morpheus.
"I was trying not to look at her, I don't like red. It freaks me out, I've got a red phobia!" replied Neo nervously.
"Look again" instructed Morpheus
"I'd rather not"
"LOOK AGAIN!"
"Whoa! Take a chill pill," said a startled Neo.
"I… I don't like pills," came Morpheus's hesitant reply "now shut up and look again"
"Fine, whatever" sighed Neo. He looked round and the woman had morphed into Agent Smith.
"Phew, its not red. Aaargh, shit its an Agent!" cried Neo.
"Tank, freeze it"
The whole world around them stopped.
"Errr… Morpheus, your computer crashed" complained Neo.
"No you idiot, listen. This isn't the Gaytrix, it's a training program to teach you about Agents, and what they are."
"So… then all women in red are evil Agents, is that it?"
"You're missing the Point Neo," sighed Morpheus. "Forget it, ill explain it to you later"
The two of them were released from the training program only to find that back in the real world, sentinels were coming. Also, in a fit of panic, Switch had accidentally impaled herself on a rather large knife, and died.
"What's the situation Dozer?" asked Morpheus.
"We got sentinel activity coming this way, sir"
"Okay, set her down here and power down the ship."
"Wait!" shirked Tank "I've got really far on space invaders, cant we do this later"
"Ignore him," commanded Morpheus. "Shut it down"
"Okay" said Dozer, and did. Trinity walked into the cockpit, just to stare at Neo for a bit longer.
"What's a sentinel?" inquired Neo.
"Their machines designed for search and destroy. They tickle you do death, by tickling you so much you cant breathe and you suffocate." Replied Trinity.
"Wow, that's cool. Do we have anything like that?"
"Nope, we just have these weird looking hovercraft thingies"
"Damn" said Neo disappointed.
"Quiet you too" said Morpheus in a voice just that above a whisper.
Anyways, the sentinel is lazy, so doesn't bother to do anything here apart from try and look menacing, but just looks rather tame and stupid. End Scene.
Power is restored, and whilst the other members of the crew are playing charades,
Cypher was meeting with Smith.
"So, I get you Morpheus and you stuff me back into the Gaytrix, right?"
"Yes" replied Smith coolly. "Then we have a deal?"
"Oh shit, its Switch" panicked Cypher. Smith turned round to see Switch closing in on their positions.
"She cant find me, do something you stupid Agent"
Smith glared at Cypher, then shot Switch in the back repeatedly when she wasn't looking. Switch slumped to the floor, keeled over and died.
"No offence, about before" replied Cypher nervously.
"Then we have a deal?" said Smith slowly
"Yeah, we have a deal." Replied Cypher coolly.
"Neo, come on, time to go and see her" exclaimed Morpheus, just as Switch was telling Apoc what a complete idiot he was (for no apparent reason, I just thought it would spice things up).
"See who, I hope it's not your mother again. No offence, but the woman is a freak"
"No, the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen" said Tank, wide eyed.
"Use the ointment, it will reduce swelling of your eyes" said Switch
"It's not safe," complained Tank.
"Yes it is, watch" Switch put some in her eyes, screamed with pain, collapsed on the floor and died.
After a hot and sweaty drive (Morpheus's car doesn't have air-con) the gang arrived at the crap set of flats where the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen was waiting for them.
Morpheus and Neo ascended to the 20th floor, where Switch was standing in front of them.
"Switch, your not supposed to be in this scene" exclaimed a rather irritated Morpheus. Just as they were about to erupt into an argument, Agent Jones came charging through the wall and shot Switch repeatedly in the chest with his Desert Eagle Magnum. Switch slumped to the floor dead.
Morpheus and Neo ran away, and hid. After a while, the Agent got sick of looking for them and decided he would go and shoot some random people, and left.
Finally, the two arrived at the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen's place.
"This isn't special service, open the frickin door Neo" complained Morpheus, surprised to see Neo expecting him to open it.
(Anyway, skip some more, to the scene where Neo meets woman who tells you shit that's going to happen.)
Woman who tells you shit that's going to happen farts as Neo enters the room.
"Mmm, smell good don't they?" she exclaimed.
"Not really, you weird freak"
"And don't worry about the vase"
"What vase" Neo looked round and knocked over a vase with is elbow.
"You idiot! That was expensive!" screamed the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen angrily.
"But you said don't worry about it" replied a rather confused Neo
"Yes, it's carefully balanced and looks unstable, I didn't say go and knock it over you clumsy idiot!"
"I'm sorry."
"Ahh, well. I'll smack you later. Anyway, your not the One yet, now fuck off, I'm a busy woman." The woman who tells you shit that's going to happen went silent, and gestured for him to leave.
"What was said, was for you, and for you alone" said Morpheus "but unfortunately for you I herd almost every word because you were so bloody noisy. Why can't you be quiet?"
"Sorry" muttered Neo.
Mouse, the rather pointless little character who won't shut up about impulses and women in red dresses, was busy gazing at a poster of (no surprise here) a woman in a red dress.
"Operator?" said Tank as Mouse phoned him.
"Yeah, this is the part where you supposed to tell me about the trap?"
"Oh yeah… Shit, they've cut the hard line it's a trap get out"
Mouse panicked, and quickly grabbed his Gatling gun and fired insanely as the FBI who were searching alongside the Agents got to his location on one of the lower floors first.
"Aaargh" screamed Mouse, as he emptied bullets into the FBI people. The small band of FBI were Underequipped, and though they sprayed the room full of bullets, they only wounded Mouse. Mouse managed to kill all but one, who morphed into Smith.
"Oh shit" said Mouse
"Smith will suffice," replied Smith as he pulled the trigger repeatedly. Mouse's lifeless corpse dropped to the floor, and Smith left to rejoin with his fellow Agents.
Meanwhile, Trinity drove to pick them up to take them to an exit. A cat walked past. A cat walked past. (It was of course the déjà vu cat). Switch went to stroke the cat, but it scratched her, and she fell backwards and out of a window, and died.
"Operator?"
"Tank, I've seen the déjà vu cat, get us the hell out of there"
"I know, just hurry and tell Morpheus, ill find a structural layout of this building and gaze at it for a little while." Said Tank quickly.
They first had to escape the building. But on the way out, some homeless guy challenged Morpheus to a game of scrabble and Neo was forced to wait. An impatient Trinity along with Apoc and Switch came into the building to find out what had happened.
"Just a minute" said Morpheus, "I'm almost done here"
As Morpheus was about to put down the winning word, the homeless guy morphed into Agent Smith.
"What! No fair, cheater, you lose." Screamed Morpheus.
"Run" cried Trinity.
The team took off, as Smith chased them. Jones and Brown soon accompanied him, and the two of them charged up the stairs after the gang of rebels.
"There getting closer" said Apoc, who handed a gun to Neo.
"I hope the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen gave you some good news," said Apoc hopefully.
(Hehe, how wrong he is, poor fool. Oh, Sorry)
As the three Agents closed in, Switch pulled out a Glock and emptied a clip into Brown. He dodged every bullet and responded with his own Desert Eagle Magnum, and shot Switch in the kneecaps, and she fell over backwards over the edge of the balcony and down 20 floors where she hit the ground and died.
"Tank" began Morpheus, "Get us the hell out of here"
"I'm playing checkers with Dozer, call me later" complained Tank.
"Tank, if you don't do this ill tell everyone about YOUR phobia"
"Ok" said Tank desperately, "Go to the 28th floor, and crawl down some pipe wall thing."
Carefully, they made it to the 28th floor, using an alternate route.
They climbed into the walls and were doing well, until Cypher screamed.
"Aaahh, shit. It's a big hairy spider"
"Shut up Cypher, you idiot you'll get us all captured or killed"
"Oh, sorry"
"The walls, there in the walls" said Agent Brown. Agents Smith and Jones emptied Magnum rounds into the wall. Neo returned fire, but Smith and Jones did there cool bullet dodging and they all missed.
"Trinity, you must get Neo out, he's all that matters," exclaimed Morpheus.
"No, Morpheus don't, the woman who tells you shit that's going to happen told me that…"
"We have to!" Shouted Trinity.
Morpheus dived through the wall and landed on top of Agent Smith.
"The great Morpheus. We meat at last"
"Yeah whatever Smith, I'm gonna kick your ass!" screamed Morpheus.
The fight begins! Morpheus swiped at Smith, but he simply bent backwards and dodged the blow, then booted Morpheus across the room and he smashed into a sink.
"Ow, that's not very nice," moaned Morpheus.
Morpheus charged at Smith, and kicked him, but Smith blocked it, grabbed Morpheus's leg and threw him into the wall. He came down with an almighty thud and smacked his face into a toilet. Morpheus groaned, but quickly got to his feet. Smith punched at Morpheus, but he ducked and kicked Smith in the back. Smith skidded past Morpheus, and ducked his second kick. Spinning round, Smith blocked two punches from Morpheus, who was getting desperate. Smith did a chop and smashed Morpheus into the floor, and then proceeded to boot him across the room. Morpheus impacted with the toilet (again) with a satisfying thud. A desperate Morpheus stumbled to his feet and jumped against the wall where he kicked repeatedly at Smith. All his blows were deflected however, and as he threw the final punch, Smith grabbed his hand, twisted it round and threw him headfirst into the toilet (for a third time!) Morpheus slumped to the ground, defeated.
Smith stood up and left the room.
"Take him," he said, emotionlessly, mainly because Agents don't have emotions, but never mind.
The other two Agents walked in and tickled Morpheus repeatedly until he fell unconscious from oxygen deprivation from laughing too much.
"Noooo!" screamed Tank. (He lost the game to Dozer and was slightly upset about Morpheus being captured and all that).
Meanwhile, Neo Trinity, Apoc and Switch were working towards finding an exit. Some SWAT team people came along and ordered them to freeze. Trinity drew her two Uzi's and blasted away. Neo and Switch took cover, and poked out occasionally to exchange some gunfire of their own. Trinity shot a SWAT guy in the chest several times, and he collapsed backwards. There were three more SWAT team members. A bullet whirred past and struck Switch in the left leg.
"That hurt!" she complained, popped her head out and shot the SWAT guy in the face, who literally flew backwards and smashed into a wall, dead.
The remaining two SWAT team members moved in close for the kill. Neo dived out and gunned them both down. One died, the other was badly wounded. As Trinity walked past him, she put a bullet into his chest to silence his miserable whining. However, a wounded Switch was dejected and had to follow them limping. "I'm not very good at this," she complained. Shortly after this, Switch fell into a river and died.
"Tank, its Cypher, I need an exit"
"Got one ready, the phone across the road"
"Ok"
Cypher escaped the hellish Gaytrix, and returned to the Nebuchadnezzar. He then proceeded to fart, killing Dozer instantly, and also apparently killing Tank sometime later.
Neo and the others finally arrived at the phone. Switch had insisted on stopping of at Pizza hut and getting a Ham and Mushroom pizza and since the others were there and hadn't eaten in ages, they grabbed themselves some pizza also. Anyway…
"You first" said Trinity.
Neo picked up the phone, but the line was dead. Trinity phoned the operator, but Cypher answered instead. He explained what a massive traitor he is, which rather unsurprisingly made Trinity rather angry. She also wished she hadn't saved him some pizza. Amazing the things that run through your mind in an extremely life threatening situation isn't it?
"If you have anything terribly important to Apoc, say it now"
Trinity looked frantically at Apoc
"Trinity?" he said nervously.
Cypher pulled the plug and Apoc dropped to the floor dead.
"Noooo! You Bastard!"
"Don't hate me Trinity, I'm just a massive traitor. Oh, and if you want to say anything to Switch, do it now"
"Not like this!" said Switch tearfully "Not like this!" then she dropped to the floor and died.
"God dam you Cypher," shrieked Trinity.
"And now, I'm going to kill Neo, because he is an annoying twat. But first, I'm going to waste time, so my plan will fail because that's what all villains have to do. It's the rules, and its what the scriptwriter wants me to do also.
Anyway, Tank wasn't dead, he was just unconscious, and he wakes up and shoots Cypher in the head. Cypher drops to the floor dead, and Tank frees Neo and Trinity.
"Oh, by the way, they captured Morpheus and are trying to learn how to use him to gain access to Zion's mainframe computer."
"This story has it in for us doesn't it" complained Neo.
"Right" exclaimed Tank "Zion is more important than me or you or Morpheus so were going to have to pull the plug." Although he was trying to hide it, he was afraid. Wuss.
"What! Don't be a fool Tank, two people already died from plug pulling, we don't want this story to be samey now do we. So I'm going in to rescue him, that will boost moral." Said Neo suddenly.
"Then I'm going with you," said Trinity.
"Yeah, sure. Why not"
After outfitting themselves with a respectable amount of guns, Neo and Trinity marched into a building full of very fat security guards.
"Anything to declare" questioned a guard.
"Yes," said Neo "Your too fat and I'm going to shoot you."
With that, Neo pulled out two Uzi's and started to line the guards with bullets. The guard in question flew through the air backwards and landed on the floor some twenty feet away filled with holes. The two guards on the left dropped their hamburgers and newspapers and reached for their pistols. Neo laid waste to them both before they could pose him any threat. There were two more guards on the other side, but Trinity did the same as Neo. The guards stumbled backwards, colliding with an alarm as they fell, and making a hell of a lot of noise. All but one was shot to shit before the fat assholes could even react. The one remaining one screamed like a girl, and then got kicked in the face and died.
At that moment, a rather large amount of backup solders came charging into the lobby.
"Freeze" they said.
Neo and Trinity looked at each other, then turned and belched together as loud as they could. The soldiers opened fire instantly, with a massive array of machineguns and shotguns. However the bullets could not penetrate the sheer fore of the belch and the stinky shockwave flew through the air and concussed them all instantly.
"Hehe" said Neo giggling like a schoolgirl (for the second time so far) "that was good fun".
They got into the elevator.
"Hmm," said Neo. This place isn't nearly broken enough. He pulled out two pistols and shot up all the pillars. "That's better"
They got into the lift and went up to the top floor.
"I'm supposed to stand by the window and talk about how wonderful the Gaytrix really is, but I can't be arsed, so I'm going to move straight onto interrogating you and poking you with grey liquid." Said Smith slowly and coolly. Agent Brown gave Morpheus weird grey liquid injection so he would eventually crack and tell them the codes to Zion's mainframe computer.
"Urgh" spluttered Morpheus unhappily.
"Anyway" began Smith casually "Jones, Brown, fuck off. I need to talk to him alone."
The other two Agents looked blankly at each other, then back at Smith. He was looking deadly serious so they walked outside, and went to discus some good Internet chat sites.
"I'm going to be honest with you Morpheus, I hate this place, this reality. The Gaytrix is full of gay people. And as a perfectly straight man, I don't like it at all. Its filthy, its disgusting and it involves… well anyway, I just thought id tell someone. I feel much better now."
At that moment, the other Agents walked back into the room
"There may be a problem," said Agent Brown.
Neo and Trinity arrived at the top floor leading to the roof of the building.
"You smell awful Neo," said Trinity rather suddenly
"I do?" said Neo inquisitively
"Yeah, you haven't showered."
"Neither have you"
"Good point Trinity. I have an idea."
Neo took out his lighter and held it up to the skyscrapers sprinkler system, and water pored out over the two of them, cleaning them.
"Find them and destroy them!" exclaimed a soggy and rather pissed off Agent Smith.
Meanwhile, after they had quite finished using up more time than they should by showering, Neo and Trinity proceeded to the rooftop. There were several guards waiting to ambush them. As soon as Trinity poked around the corner, she got shot at.
"Shit" she said and pulled her head back inside as the bullets pinged off the wall.
"Don't worry" said Neo, as he produced a grenade and blew two of the guards off the roof. Then he dived from one piece of cover to another and shot two more men to death. They collapsed in a bloody heap with cries of agony. Shortly after this, Trinity threw a knife at the last ones balls.
"Oooorrrggh" he screamed in agony as he realised he wasn't going to have kids… ever.
Then the other cowardly bastard who hid behind a barrel morphed into Agent Jones!
Neo turned round and shot the Agent repeatedly with his two Glocks, but Jones dodged every single bullet. Neo's guns clicked, he had no more ammo for them. He dropped them on the floor.
"Trinity… help"
However, Trinity was busy putting makeup on, and was in no position to provide any useful support.
The Agent started to fire off bullets and Neo tried to imitate the dodging that the Agents do so well. He dodged several bullets and was chuffed, until one struck him in the leg and another in the shoulder.
"Ow, shit" he said as he fell over. The Agent closed in for the kill
"Only Human… well you're not even human you're a lowlife scum really," said Agent Jones, smiling. He raised his Desert Eagle and pointed it at Neo's head.
Just then Trinity pointed her own gun to the head of Jones.
"Dodge this!" she said and pulled the trigger. Jones did dodge the bullet unlike in the film, and laughed evilly, but Trinity sneezed and the force of it sent Agent Jones flying of the building to his death.
"How did you do that?" Trinity asked
"Do what?"
"You moved like they do, I've never seen anyone move that fast."
"Yeah, well I used to go to dance class."
"Cool"
"Trinity, can you fly that chopper?"
"What chopper?"
"That one that's appeared out of nowhere, because the writer like to make things randomly appear to keep the audience involved."
"Oh, not yet."
"Eh?"
Trinity picked up her phone, and called Tank.
"Operator" came the familiar sound.
"Tank, I need you to teach me how to fly a B-212 helicopter". Tank gave her instructions over the phone, referring to the buttons as "glowy things".
"Now I can fly it, I think," said Trinity after a while.
"What do you mean… think"? Replied Neo nervously.
"Well I didn't understand all of what Tank said… but I think I know what to do"
"Oh well, we can't wait any longer, so the hell with it, lets go"
Anyway, it turns out Trinity really sucks at flying, and ends up crashing into the building. But they managed to jump out and get into the room with the Agents and Morpheus.
"You idiots, what good do you think you can do against us?" mocked a rather surprised Smith.
"Us? Were here to rescue Morpheus!"
At that moment, Switch came flying along in another chopper and started to empty the room with minigun bullets. Neo and Trinity had escaped, but the Agents were trapped. Agent Jones was shot to shit before he could react, Agents Brown and Smith returned fire on the chopper.
Whilst the Agents were rather distracted, the other two rescued Morpheus and left the building.
"I want a bigger part in this story!" complained Agent Brown. And for this complaint was also shot to shit by Switch in the chopper. However, the minigun (which really isn't all that mini) ran out of bullets. Smith shot the chopper several times in the fuel tank, and it spun out of control and smashed into the building opposite. It exploded in a big pretty glowy fiery thing, and Switch died.
Trinity and Neo escaped with the rather confused Morpheus.
They made it to the subway. Morpheus exited first. Trinity started to get all mushy and sentimental on Neo, so he told her to save it for later, and she disappeared inside the phone also. Switch was third, but as she was about to get out, a homeless guy who was watching turned into Smith and he shot the glass and the phone. Shards of glass shot out everywhere and impaled Switch who dropped to the floor and died.
"Mr. Neo" said Smith as he walked towards Neo.
"We haven't had a big fight yet, don't you think we should?"
"Yeah, good point Smith."
Neo drew his gun, which he got from… somewhere… look, everything has continuities, so either shut up and enjoy this or stop reading. Smith drew his, the charged towards each other and blasted repeatedly. They both missed, until they ran out of bullets.
"Your empty" said Smith.
"So are you?" said Neo in retaliation.
"Oh no, I still have one bullet left."
"Hey, no fair"
Smith laughed evilly and coldly, and prepared to blast Neo in the face, but Switch began to shoot him. Smith began to dodge the bullets, but this gave Neo enough time to escape and reload his gun. After Switch ran out of bullets, Smith charged towards her. Switch spin-kicked at him, but he blocked it, and threw a punch in return. Switch just managed to evade this. She initiated a fly kick, but Smith deflected her and kicked her in the back as she landed. Switch flew through the air and cart wheeled to regain her balance. Spinning round, Switch did a low kick, and hit Smith in the leg. He snarled in anger and punched her in the stomach. Switch wheezed, and punched Smith, however this time the Agent deflected the blow. Smith threw a hard, fast punch. Switch grabbed Smith's fist and twisted him around, but he counter attacked, and tripped Switch, then whilst she was falling in mid-air, punched her across the room. Switch smashed into the side of the subway station and slumped to the ground in a bloody heap. Shortly afterwards a train hit her and she died.
"Bastard!" shouted Neo, who charged at him, firing away madly. As Smith dodged, he fly kicked him into a wall. Smith rose quickly and began to repeatedly pummel Neo, then kicked him in the face. Neo flew backwards through the air and collided with a pillar. He slumped to the ground, breathing heavily and rapidly.
"Come one Neo, get your ass up and kick his," said Trinity, who was watching every now and then, but was rather involved in a game of pictionary with Tank.
Neo coughed up some blood, then rose to his feet and gestured for Smith to come over and fight him some more. Smith snarled and charged towards him. Neo threw a punch, but Smith blocked it and threw his own. It was also deflected. Smith threw two more punches, but they missed and smashed harmlessly into the pillar behind (poor pillar, its having a rough day). Then Neo responded by high-kicking Smith in the face, and knocking off his cool dark shades.
"I'm going to enjoy watching you die," Smith mocked.
The fight continued, but it was obvious that the enraged Smith was gaining the upper hand. Neo managed to evade his first couple of furious swipes, but the next stuck him in the chest.
"Oof" he muttered as he recoiled backwards. He quickly recovered, jumped into the air and threw five consecutive kicks at Smith. Smith blocked the first 4, then grabbed Neo and twirled him round, whereby he hit the ground with an almighty thud. Neo coughed up some more blood, and stumbled to his feet. His vision was blurred.
"Wow, my vision hasn't been this bad since the last time I was completely wasted" muttered Neo concerned.
Smith took the momentary brake to adjust his tie, which had come a bit loose during their intense fighting. This enraged Neo and he gathered all his strength. Neo charged towards Smith and punched at him, Smith blocked and then he tripped Neo, and punched him whilst in the air (as he did to Switch) and he flew through the air and smashed into the wall. He got up, just in time to see a train come hurtling towards him. Smith jumped down beside him and held him in a strong strangle hold.
"Hear that sound?"
"No Smith, you're covering my ears!"
"What? Oh sorry"
Smith lowered his grip so Neo could hear properly.
"Anyway, the train is going to hit you and your going to die"
"SMITH! Quick, look behind you" screamed Neo.
"I'm not going to fall for that you moron," retorted Smith.
"Okay, fine," moaned Neo, who then punched him in the groin.
"OW! Foul play" screamed Smith. Neo jumped out of the way of the train, which smashed into Smith killing him instantly. Neo slumped down, exhausted. A loud screeching sound could be heard. The train was stopping, Neo started to run. He looked back just in time to see Agent Smith in another body getting off the train.
"Well fighting him was a big waste of time, but it was entertaining," said Neo.
Neo ran for his life, and stole some random civilians phone.
"Hey, that asshole stole my phone!" screamed the civilian, who's pathetic whimpering was soon silenced when he morphed into an Agent.
Across the street, two people who were just leaving the local grocery store morphed into Agents Brown and Jones. Neo ended the current call on the phone and called the Tank.
"Operator" came the incredibly samey and predictable response on the other end.
"Tank, get me the hell out of here, I've got Agents closing in on my position!"
"Eh? Oh right, just keep running, then turn down that alley. Ok, now enter the bar, walk up to the woman in the blue dress, and tell her I think she is well fit!"
"Tank" screamed Neo breathlessly "Stop fucking around, my life is on the line here!"
"All right, fine." Tank exclaimed depressed "turn left now"
Smith was closing on Neo, and started to fire off bullets at him. Neo ducked down and dived down the alleyway, narrowly missing a bullet from Smith's Desert Eagle.
"Move your ass, get up that ladder," shouted Tank. "Get to room 303 on the 33rd floor."
"Ok, just be ready for me!" cried Neo, and then discarded the phone.
As he headed towards the elevator, he saw Agents Jones and Brown.
"Don't you ever give up?"
"Nope" said Agent Jones
"The wages are great," said Agent Brown.
They both drew their guns. Neo dived down the corridor to the left, and ran up the stairs. The Agents followed closely behind, firing of bullets whenever they got the chance.
Finally, Neo reached the 33rd floor. Agent Brown was close behind him, and Agent Jones had spawned at the end of the corridor and was firing at him. The bullets whistled past Neo's head, and he plunged head first into room 303. He looked up to see the phone, but as he was about to answer it, Agent Smith dropped through the roof and landed in front of him.
"It must be difficult, to have come so far only to fail now" mocked Smith.
"Shit" said Trinity, "Tank you have to send me in there, we cant let him die, not now! Besides I want to screw him."
"Then I'm going with you," said Morpheus.
"I also know how important he is. The two of them plugged into the Gaytrix, and Tank hacked in, placed them at the floor above, as close as he can get them. Unfortunately, hacking alerts the sentinels to the location of the Nebuchadnezzar.
"MOVE" Tank shouted, "He's right below you"
"This isn't over yet Smith."
"Oh yes it is Neo, its over. You've failed."
Smith laughed, Neo began to give up hope.
Meanwhile, an enraged Trinity booted a rather surprised Agent Brown off the edge of the building where he fell to his death. Agent Jones came charging round the corner, and fought with both Trinity and Morpheus. Trinity punched and kicked wildly, as did Morpheus, and eventually they were able to knock Jones over, and Trinity shot him in the face.
"NEO" screamed Trinity.
"Trinity… help!"
"There is no help for you" Smith said, raised his gun and squeezed the trigger. The sound echoed down the hallway. Neo looked down to see a hole in his chest. Smith fired again, this second shot send Neo recoiling backwards into a wall and slumped down a bit. Smith grit his teeth, and started to shoot him constantly, again, again, again, six, seven, eight, nine shots. Neo slumped to the ground slowly, leaving a smeary red bloodstain on the wall behind him. He forced himself to look upwards, and he could see Smith's gun smoking and Smith himself gritting his teeth in anger. Neo tried to clutch his multiple chest wounds, but his arms just wouldn't respond. He felt cold, very cold. His vision blurred, and his head slumped to the floor. The last thing he saw was Smith's fine stylish shoes before his eyes closed, and he died.
A smile came over Smith's face. Trinity and Morpheus burst round the corner, but Smith had already left.
"Neo" sobbed Trinity, "I know you can hear me. You can't be dead, you can't be. The woman who tells you shit that's going to happen said that I would fall in love and that man, the man that I loved would be the One, so you see you cant be dead, you cant be… because I love you. You hear me? I love you!!"
The speech was great, and very moving, but nothing happened.
"Get up Neo" cried Trinity.
Morpheus's phone rang. It was Tank.
"Sir, we've got sentinels coming, we need you here"
"Understood Tank, get me an exit"
"Use the one in room 303"
"Okay, on my way".
"Come on Trinity, he's gone. I'm sorry." Said Morpheus dejectedly.
Trinity and Morpheus left the Gaytrix and returned to the real world.
"Tank, what's the situation"
"We've got 5 sentinels coming up fast ETA… 4 minutes."
"Charge the EMP"
However, back in the hallway, Neo's eyes flicked open and he stood up. Smith turned around slowly and glared at him.
"That's not possible… how?" he shrieked. Smith drew his Desert Eagle and fired off an entire clip at Neo
"No" muttered Neo. He raised his hand, and stopped all the bullets dead in their tracks. Then he looked at them, and with the power of his mind made them drop to the floor.
"You are really starting to put a cramp on my style" shouted a rather agitated Smith. He came charging towards Neo, and punched and kicked him repeatedly, but Neo blocked every single attack.
"How is this possible?" said Tank happily
"He is the One!" said Morpheus.
Neo finished blocking the attacks, and dived into Smith. Then he exploded Smith from the inside out. Bits of Smith's code flew out across the room and Neo breathed deeply and then relaxed.
"Neo!" shrieked Trinity, as the sentinels were almost upon them by now.
Neo ran for the phone, and got out of the Gaytrix.
"Now Tank! Use the EMP!" commanded Morpheus. Tank flipped the switch and disabled all the sentinels.
Neo kissed Trinity repeatedly until her gums bled. (Which Neo considered most unattractive, made up some lame ass excuse and left).
Then he went back into the Gaytrix, and to a payphone. He dropped in a few coins and spoke.
"I know you're out there. I know you're afraid, afraid of change. I didn't come here to tell you how this was going to end; I came here to tell you how this is going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world (well a virtual world, but that's good enough for me) without you, a world without borders or boundaries, without rules or limitations, a world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you."
Neo then hung up the phone, stole someone's sunglasses (hey, he is the One, he can do what he wants!) and put them on, then flew up into the sky and across the sunset. However, since he was celebrating, (him being the One and all), he was rather pissed and kept crashing into buildings…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Written By Hunter.
There, that's it. That's the end. I hope you enjoyed it. If I get positive feedback I might right the sequel, which will be unimaginatively titled The Gaytrix Reloaded.