I realize that my version of the Insecticons may lack something when it comes to veracity, in terms of what they might be doing in the Decepticon headquarters, but hey. This is my crappy fanfic, and I can do as I please. MwahahahahahahaHAHA!!

Yes. Anyway, nothing except for Alex belongs to me. Except the Sappivator, which I believe must already exist, given the number of appalling Mary Sues running rampant in all the fandoms I'm interested in. By the way, it does NOT look like a planetarium projector.

            "In here," yelled Alex. "Looks like a nice boring room not containing any lasers or giant irritable robots whom I've just insulted!"

            Kickback banked left and ducked under the lintel into the room she'd indicated. As a matter of fact, no one was currently shooting at them, which was something of a relief. The other Insecticons followed, and came in to land on a recharge couch inside the open door.

            "Where are we?" she wanted to know, disentangling herself from Kickback. He and his fellow Insecticons looked around, and then started to giggle helplessly.    

            "It's Megatron's quarters," said Bombshell, hopping off the bed and making his way to a large metal desk featuring a computer terminal. "Let's see what he's got for his wallpaper this week."

            Alex sat down with her head in her hands. "I'm gonna die, aren't I?" she asked the world in general. "I'm gonna die in a particularly unpleasant and painful sort of way."

            "Hey, don't sound so sure, sure," said Shrapnel, calling up a schematic of the base. "Looks like no one's guarding the main entrance. We can get out!"

            "Out where? Into the middle of the freaking ocean?"

            "Yep," said Kickback. "I'm sure Meggy won't care, he's much too involved with that femmebot to pay any attention to us. Or you."

            "You can't take me home, can you?" she wanted to know.

            "Depends. What's in it for us?"

            "Er," she said, thinking. "How about a gigantic, delicious data server housed in a mostly unguarded basement?"
            "What about the chocolate syrup and models of the Titanic?"

            "I'll get them for you. Just get me the smeg out of here!"

            "Fair enough, enough," said Shrapnel. "Hang on a moment, we're still downloading Megatron's temp databases."

            "Why?"

            "Because, if he ever catches us, we will have an excellent bargaining position." Bombshell tapped a key, and the computer screen showed them the root menu of Megatron's personal files. "Check it out," he said. "He's been downloading Celine Dion again."

            Alex stared, and then curled up in a fetal position. "I'd rather not hear about it, if you don't mind," she said. "My heart ain't gonna go on."

            **

            "I........need energy..." Megatron groaned, staggering. Superia Prime was there, suddenly, supporting his weight easily with her slender and astonishing strength. "Something...is draining me..."

            "Don't try to talk," said the femmebot gently, slipping her arm around his shoulders. "I'm sure I can help you."

            All around them, the rest of the Decepticons were exchanging glances of mutual dislike before clutching at their chests and staggering. Moaning filled the room. Superia Prime cast a considering glance around them. "I will return to help you," she said firmly. "Right now, Megatron needs my aid."

            Starscream, missing a wing and one aileron, clutched weakly at the air. "Help...me..." he gasped. Superia Prime paused a moment beside him.

            "Relax," she said gently. "I will return for you."

            Starscream subsided, clutching the raw edge where his wing had been. Superia Prime gave him a small comforting smile and assisted Megatron from the room. The Decepticon leader leaned heavily on her, coughing every now and then in a deep painful rasp.

            "I.." he managed. She shifted his weight a little and let his head rest on her shoulder as she half-carried him down the corridor.

            "You have been badly wounded," she told him. "Your fight with the other Decepticons has damaged you."

            This was not, in fact, the case. Megatron's fusion cannon had been loosened a little by a lucky shot from Starscream, and two or three of the circuit panels on his chest had been ripped open, but there was nothing really badly wrong with him. Nevertheless, he leaned on Superia Prime and let her help him along the corridor. "I can't...breathe..." he gasped, hands pressing his chest, part of his mind calculating probability functions for several different outcomes. He didn't need to breathe, of course. His oxygen intakes were mostly used for cooling. He wasn't about to tell her that, though.

            "You must relax," she told him, cradling him against her. He groaned and began to cough, making it sound as bad as possible despite his perfectly functioning voice modulator, trying to remember how he'd sounded when he'd been suffering from Cosmic Rust. Superia Prime cursed and opened his chest panel, deft fingers tracing his oxygen circuits and fuel lines. Megatron looked up at her with flickering red optics, calculating what sort of effect this was having on her, and moaned.

            "Leave me," he managed. "Don't...waste your skills..."

            It worked perfectly. Superia Prime's mouth thinned to a knife-slit, and she lifted him in her arms as if he'd weighed nothing at all, bearing him away down the corridor to his quarters. He lay back, enjoying himself, wondering vaguely how long it would take Starscream to bleed to death from his torn wing and ailerons. Perhaps he could be disposed of with a few well-aimed fusion blasts. Things were looking up, despite the fact that his mind seemed to be wrapped in a happy pink fog. He found he rather liked it.

            Back in the storage room, Starscream sat up and cursed vitriolically, trying to cauterize the flow of mechfluid from his wing-stump. "This is ridiculous," he spat.

            Beside him, Skywarp and Thundercracker extracted themselves from under the limp form of Astrotrain. Both Seekers looked considerably the worse for wear, but neither of them were missing key elements of their design. "Damn," said Skywarp. "He got you good, Starscream. Where'd he go, anyway?"

            "That femmebot was half-carrying him out of here," snarled Starscream. Now that Superia Prime was out of the room, the signals she'd been sending were dampened enough so that the Decepticons had some of their functions—and most of their minds—back. "He was jolly milking it, too. 'Oh, oh, oh, help me, I'm so pathetic, oh, oh.'"

            "Sounds kinda familiar, Screamer," said Skywarp. "'Member last time, when you were confined to med bay for most of a week complaining of a cold?"

            "Shut up! I was under a malevolent influence!"

            "Uh huh," said Thundercracker. "Looks like the boss's under one too."

            "Big deal." Starscream shook mech-fluid off his fingers. "Either of you any good at repairs?"

            The Seekers exchanged a look. Skywarp took the wing stump between his fingers, ignoring Starscream's hiss of pain, and ran the tip of a high-temp soldering probe along it. Starscream, predictably, screamed.

            "Oh, be quiet," said Thundercracker, inspecting his wingmate's work. "It's not oozing any more."

            Skywarp's probe retracted and was replaced by his left hand. "Come on," he said, getting to his feet, "we have to find out where that thing went, and blast it to smithereens."

            Starscream cracked his knuckles. "Screw the femmebot, I want to blast Megatron. Nobody does this to the Aerospace Commander! Look at me, I'm mutilated!"

            Thundercracker sighed and gathered up the wandering edges of his patience. "Wherever the femmebot went, she's got Megatron. Find one of them, and we'll have found the other one. Come on."

            Starscream blinked, but shut up and followed his wingmates out of the storage room, stepping over the heaps of unconscious Decepticons. Part of his mind was turning over the possibilities for seizing control now that Megatron had apparently lost his mind, his self-respect and his dignity all in one go; most of it was taken up with the urgent need to destroy things. They hurried down the corridor the way Superia Prime and Megatron had gone. He noticed that Skywarp was absently fingering his throat, as if it were sore.

            "Is it just me," said the black-and-purple Seeker, his voice rasping a little, "or are we gonna go all stupid again once we get close to her?"

            "We'll deal with that when we get there," Thundercracker said, not looking round. Starscream glanced from him to Skywarp, then back to the corridor ahead. Strangely, the pain from his injured wing seemed to have cleared his head of the pink fog that had accompanied the presence of Superia Prime. He found himself wondering what would happen if he took the cageful of humanoid Mary Sues and locked them in a room with the femmebot. It might be worth a try.

            "Okay, that's the last of it," said Bombshell, shutting down Megatron's computer and transforming. Alex had seen their insect-modes only recently, and had been concentrating firmly on not giggling: they looked so damned cute with their robotic mandibles gnawing on something. Especially Bombshell. She looked away hurriedly.

            "Can we leave now?"

            "I don't see why not," said Kickback, landing on the recharge bed beside her and gallantly offering a hand up. As she took it, the sound of metallic feet on metal floor-tiles echoed down the corridor.

            "Oh, shit, someone's coming," said Alex, climbing onto the grasshopper's back. "Let's wiggle, guys."

            "Too late, late," hissed Shrapnel, leaping off the desk. "It's Megatron! Hide!"

            They dove under the desk and found an extremely convenient air vent, which Shrapnel opened with a few well-placed bites, and squeezed inside, pulling the grating closed behind them. Alex peered through the grating and saw Superia Prime ease the vast silver form of the Decepticon leader down to the bed. Megatron's optics were dim and flickering, as if he was almost out of power. The femmebot sat down on the edge of his bed and took his hand in its golden one.

            "Ugh," whispered Kickback, inching up beside Alex to have a look. "How sweet. What d'you suppose is wrong with him?"

            "Nothing," she whispered back. "It's weird, but they all seem to induce extreme hypochondria and manipulative weakness in the males they affect. I think he's knocked one of the connections for his cannon loose, and he might need a bit of a polish, but that's about it."

            "Why's he coughing like that then?" Kickback wanted to know.

            "I think it's the femmebot's effect on him. Apparently coughing is a sign of extreme weakness and need for help. Despite the fact that he hasn't got any sodding lungs." She scowled. "This is all so illogical it hurts."

            "Wait," said Bombshell, poking her. "You're a squi...a human. You're illogical."

            "I am not illogical. That is illogical." She rested her chin on her hands and regarded Megatron doing a rather decent impression of the English Patient. "You know what? Screw escaping, I want to get rid of that femmebot. I don't care what happens to my experiments any more, I just want to see that thing destroyed."

            The Insecticons exchanged a glance. "Are you sure you're not being illogical?"

            "Shut up and help me think of a plan."

            **

            "Hey! Hey, guys! Over here!"

            The Seekers looked at one another, then up at the ceiling. An access hatch to the service crawlspace had been nudged aside, and they could make out Rumble and Frenzy peering down at them out of the darkness. "What the smeg are you doing up there?" demanded Starscream.

            "Huh, do you wanna hang around Soundwave when he's all mushy and sentimental and trying to be suave?" Rumble spat. "Makes me sick, the very idea. How come you look like you went sixteen rounds with Megatron, Screamer?"

            "Because I did," Starscream informed him icily. "You haven't seen him pass this way, have you?"

            "Nope." Rumble jumped down into the corridor, followed by Frenzy, Ravage and Laserbeak. "What's the plan?"

            "Plan?" echoed Skywarp, looking down his nose at the cassettes.

            "Yeah, plan," said Frenzy. "Like, how are we gonna get rid of all those Mary Sues, especially that big red and gold one that makes everyone go totally wingnuts?"

            "We haven't got a plan," said Thundercracker, folding his arms.

            "Yes we do," Starscream told him. "Ready? First, we find the femmebot and we disintegrate it with extreme prejudice. Then, I do something horrible to Megatron. And then we get someone to fix my slagging wing, which hurts, I might remind you," he added to Skywarp, who shrugged.

            Rumble and Frenzy looked at one another, and then down at Ravage and Laserbeak. "Sounds okay to us," Rumble said. "I say we hit the armoury first. There's a blaster rifle in there I got my eye on."

            Skywarp nodded. "Let's go."

            Starscream added, under his breath, "And then I take over control of the Decepticons and lead us to victory."

            "What was that?"

            "Nothing. Nothing at all."

**

            "Where the hell are we?" Alex wanted to know. They'd been crawling through the ventilation ducts for what seemed like hours. "Are you sure you know the way to the Mary Sue room?"

            "Of course I do, do," said Shrapnel irritably. "I'm a precision machine. I don't make mistakes, takes."

            "Says you," muttered Kickback, snickering. Alex sighed.

            "How much farther is it then?"

            "Just around the next corner."

            "You said that half an hour ago."

            "Aah, be quiet and walk, squishy."

            "Squishy yourself, bugbrain."

            "Ooh, is it insult-trading time? I got a bunch stored up," said Bombshell, his voice holding a grin. Alex snorted and lit a cigarette as they turned the next corner, and unfortunately it seemed that she would have to wait to hear Insecticon insults; the passage dead-ended in a ventilation grid through which they could dimly make out the cage containing twenty-odd voluptuous fictitional characters.

            "Great," said Alex. "Look, uh, guys, you might wanna let me handle this."

            "They don't affect us, us," Shrapnel assured her. "We're far too clever for that."

            She sighed. "Fine, but don't blame me if you come over all infatuated, kay?"

            Kickback removed the grating for them with a well-aimed kick, and they hurried over to the cage. "Greetings," said Alex, trying to work out the best way to handle this. The Mary Sues flocked over to the side of the cage closest to them, talking excitedly amongst themselves.

            "Sister Alex! You return!" said the one she vaguely remembered as being Princess Somebody. "Have you come to free us from this bondage?"

            "Er, yes," she said. The Insecticons joined her at the cage, whereupon the cluster of Mary Sues backed off as far as they could.

            "Monsters!" they squeaked. "They ate Lady Lutharianielia of Elvenhome!"

            "Oh, was that the one with green hair?" asked Kickback, interestedly. "A bit stringy, I recall."

            "And the Brightstar Sorceress Darleena!"

            "Purple hair," said Shrapnel. "Dee-licious, licious."

            Alex cleared her throat. "Never mind that now, they're on our side," she assured the Mary Sues. "Nobody is going to get eaten." She ignored the disappointed looks the Insecticons shot her. "We need your help. Mary Sues, meet the Insecticons, Shrapnel, Kickback and Bombshell. Insecticons, I believe you're already acquainted with the Mary Sues."

            "Mary Sues?" repeated Princess Somebody.

            "A, er, codename for you accomplished independent female types," Alex explained. "Now, if I recall, you all really rather liked the Decepticons, didn't you?"

            Moans of helpless desire arose from the throng.

            "Good. Now," she continued, taking hold of the bars, "they are in danger."

            There was a clatter as twenty-odd pairs of spike heels were stamped down in poses of determined readiness. Alex suppressed a giggle. "We must go to their aid," snapped Princess Somebody, bosoms heaving with...well...just heaving, actually. Alex nodded.

            "A dangerous foe has entered the base," she went on. "A female robot. It wants to destroy the Decepticons." She paused, looking among the Mary Sues for a particular head of platinum-blonde waves. "Lady Darktalon," she called out. "I saw it attack you while you were attempting to help Starscream."

            Lady Darktalon came to the bars and looked down at her. She was walking a trifle unsteadily on her stilettos, and from the unfocused look in her eyes Alex judged she'd sustained quite a healthy concussion from the folding chair. She squashed a grin of satisfaction and manufactured, instead, an expression of concerned sorority. "It was too fast for me," she said. "I tried to save you, but I was too late."

            "I...don't remember..." muttered the Mary Sue. "It all happened so quickly..."

            "Yes," agreed Alex. "The being that attacked you is the one which is attempting to destroy the Decepticons. We must band together to stop its evil rise to power."

            Bombshell tapped her on the shoulder. "What exactly is your plan?" he asked.

            "You'll see," said Alex. "Now, my sisters—"

            Behind her the door of the storage room whooshed open, and Starscream, Thundercracker and the other one whose name she didn't know, along with a pair of much smaller robots and what looked like a metal cat and hawk, walked in.

            "Shit," said Alex.

            "You," said Starscream, staring at her. She suddenly wished she still had the blue-fox coat, because the stare seemed to be dropping the temperature in the room. Luckily, her magical powers hadn't faded, and an identical coat materialized around her. She tried to look as if she had been expecting this.

            "You look awful," she told him.

            "How I look is none of your business, squishy," he snapped. "What are you doing?"

            "Trying to get rid of Superia Prime." Alex put her hands on her hips and glared up at him. "What about you?"

            "Same here," said the unnamed giant robot, whose voice Alex found she rather preferred to Thundercracker's baritone or Starscream's rasping tenor. "Who're you?"

            "Alex. Long story." She turned back to the cageful of Mary Sues. "Listen, sisters," she said, trying to ignore the Insecticons snickering to themselves, "I've got to speak privately with the Decepticons."

            Princess Somebody nodded tersely. "Hurry," she said. "We have to do something."

            "I'm aware of that. Come on, guys. Quit staring at them." Alex poked Bombshell, who was looking consideringly at a pink-haired beauty in a garment which, if not inhabited by the pink-haired beauty, would have contracted to the size of a gum wrapper. Reluctantly the Insecticons followed her over to the doorway. She looked up at Starscream and company, and sighed. "Can you kneel down or something? I feel stupid yelling up at you."

            With an exasperated sigh Starscream knelt beside her. The two other jets followed suit, and the two smaller robots—one in tasteful shades of purple and blue, the other red and navy—came closer to hear what she had to say. "First, who're you lot? Starscream and Thundercracker I've met."

            "I'm Skywarp," said the unnamed jet.

            "Rumble," said Mr. Blue-Violet.

            "Frenzy," added his companion. "That's Ravage and Laserbeak. Who the slag are you and what are you doing in our base?"

            "I think I'm supposed to be one of them," said Alex, gesturing over her shoulder at the cageful of Mary Sues, who had lost interest and were comparing manicures. "Only I don't have the same effect they do. And I don't particularly want to be in your base, but since I'm here, I might as well help you lot get rid of your infestation. Now. I can more or less control the human Mary Sues because they seem to think I'm one of them, and I know how their minds work."

            "They have minds?" Rumble sneered.

            "Figure of speech." Alex rubbed at her temples and lit another cigarette. "I think it's possible that, if we put the humanoid Mary Sues and the big nasty metal one together, they might manage to destroy one another."

            Starscream rubbed the stump of his wing absently. "How're you going to do that?" he wanted to know.

            "Ah," said Alex, "that's where you guys come in." She looked around the circle of robots. "First, we have to find the big nasty metal one."

            "That's easy," said Bombshell, behind her. "She's probably still playing ministering-angel to Megatron, unless she's got bored with him already."

            Alex nodded. She supposed Superia Prime might still be messing about with the Decepticon leader. She noticed a shudder run through all the robots. Starscream's optics brightened a little.

            "Really," he said. "Poor, poor Megatron."

            Rumble looked up at him. "Huh?"

            "Oh, I'm just concerned about our great leader," said Starscream airily. "He must have come off worse in the fight with me than I thought. Perhaps I should lead the Decepticons in his absence."

            Skywarp and Thundercracker exchanged a long-suffering glance. "Screamer," said Thundercracker, "this is not the time to plot Megatron's downfall."

            "Are you insane? This is the perfect time! He's totally defenseless and at the mercy of the Mary Sue from hell!"

            Alex sighed, suddenly feeling ancient and very tired indeed, and sat down on the floor. "Okay, I'm done," she said. "You guys go on and kill Superia Prime and do your little political coup thing. I'll just sit here and smoke the rest of my cigarettes and wait for the explosions, okay?"

            "Fine by me," said Starscream, getting up. "All right, Rumble, Ravage and Frenzy, you go inform the rest of the Decepticons that I'm your new leader. TC, Skywarp, help me carry the cage. Laserbeak, fly reconnaissance."

            "What about us?" Kickback asked, curiously. He and the other Insecticons were watching the larger robots with a mixture of amusement and trepidation.

            "Who cares about you?" Starscream grinned. "Go back to Bali and eat a few trees."

            Alex lay back on the floor and regarded the ceiling. The world had gone completely to hell, and she found, surprisingly, that she had totally ceased to care.

TBC

Oh, and there's a picture of Alex sitting on Megatron's hand while he glares at her up on Altaris Central.