Slayers Surreal: Fangirl Strike!
This is a story about toast.
Actually, it's not. This is a Slayers humour story, in which toast does not play a vital part. If this disturbs you, I suggest you click the right mouse button (Hint: It's next to the left one.) and click on the word "Back". If you have a Macintosh computer, fling it out the window and buy a proper computer.
This story is in weenie-script format. For all you little dolts who have no knowledge of my questionable vocabulary, weenie-script format is this:
[ Joe: (smiles) I agree, we should get married.
Marie: (dies)
Ariel: Cluck! I am a chicken!
(Audience laughs) ]
As opposed to this:
[INT. BEDROOM - DAY
It was windy in the Windy City. Cold winds blew and made it impossible to play strip poker outdoors. The camera zooms in on JOHN, a single, elderly, young Jewish Christian with several hundred wristbands around his neck.
JOHN
(happily)
Yams! Yams I say!
FADE TO BLACK.]
So, basically, I'm being lazy. Naturally, I'll just hide behind the excuse that this suits the comedic format better.
I'm writing in Weenie-Script Format® because it suits the comedic format better.
So, enjoy, and flames will be read.
Oh, but of course, I need my witty disclaimer!
Disclaimer: OMGOMGOMGOMG dis is so totally m 1 fanfic.,,k!!!!!!!!11111oneoneonetwo(Q! Slayer SSS is owned be rich people and i dont own it (but i wish i did. heeeheeeheee. oh i so witty.)
Chilling, isn't it?
And my Author's Note is approaching one page long. Good. That means I can make my story short and make it long at the same time. Yams!
Good day, Booyaka and Bifibifi!
-Bane
(Our story opens in a picturesque fantasy town littered with happy looking townsfolk, selling chickens and children. Three young women are talking in hushed tones.)
Woman #1: (quietly) Have you heard?
Woman #2: I'm hard-of-hearing. What did you say?
Woman #3: No, what?
Woman #1: They say that the legendary Lina Inverse is heading this way.
Woman #2: Can you repeat that?
Woman #3: (skeptically) Who says that?
Woman #1: Well, no one. But what conventional fantasy plot would be complete without gossiping townsfolk.
Woman #3: (shrugs) Makes sense.
Woman #2: Can you say that again, please?
Woman #3: But why would she come here to Petiteville?
Woman #1: We make a mean omelet.
Woman #3: Of course! The famous Dragon Spooker has a Omelet Weakness!
Woman #2: Caveman cooker? What?
Woman #1: Well, she's actually rather partial to foods of all kinds.
Woman #2: Boots of mankind?
Woman #3: I have an idea. Lina Inverse is rich, right?
Woman #1: Rich enough, I guess. Why?
Woman #3: We shall create an omelet so tasty that it shall make Lina Inverse explode....literally! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Woman #1 and Woman #2 stare blankly at Woman #3)
Woman #1: Well, I'm in.
Woman #2: I have no idea what you just said, but maniacal laughter is always good.
Lina: Hurry up, guys! Petiteville is so close.
Amelia: Lina-san! (pants) We've been running non-stop for hours! Can we not take a break?
Lina: Is that insubordination I hear?
Amelia: (meekly) No.
Zelgadiss: Petiteville isn't even on the horizon, Lina. We're not going to make it before nightfall. Let's just stop for the night.
Lina: No! I must have my omelets! You! (She points at Amelia) You're laziness is stopping me from having my omelet! You! (She points at Zel) You're evil impure thoughts are preventing me from achieving my ultimate goal of omelet related happiness. You! (She points are Gourry) You haven't said a word. That bothers me. Thus, you are preventing me from getting omelets?
Gourry: Huh?
Amelia: Lina-san, have you gone crazy?
Lina: Only for omelets.
Zelgadiss: You're acting highly out-of-character, Lina...
Lina: D'oh! TMI! Make my day! Redrum Redrum Redrum.
Xelloss: (appears out of a handy plot-hole) Good lord! She's
reciting pop-culture references!
Gourry: Xelloss?
Xelloss: Yes, 'tis I. By request of the author, I now am acting like a total froof.
Zelgadiss: (throws hands up in the air) Wonderful. Everyone is OOC.
Amelia: I don't Zelgadiss would use "OOC".
Zelgadiss: She's right! (breaks down sobbing)
Naga: (jumps out of the plot hole) Who's up for a friendly game of Monopoly! OHOHOHOHOHOHO!
All: Yay! Monopoly!
(The Slayers gang join hands and skip off merrily in the opposite direction of Pettiteville.)
Woman #3: (frowns) I could have sworn she'd have been here by now. We cooked the omelet and everything. Maybe she's late.
Woman #2: What?
(L-Sama sits in her lair, frowning.)
L-Sama: Something isn't quite right. Slayers isn't Excel Saga. Why did everyone start randomly babbling? And why did they all skip off to play Monopoly? And where did Xelloss get those darling shoes? I demand answers!
(Bane appears out of nowhere.)
Bane: Ha-ha! It is I, Bane, who caused this!
L-Sama: (gasps) It is a random self-insertation in a random humour fic! Oh, Calcutta!
Bane: No one shall stop me! I'll make Zelgadiss and Sherra an official couple! I'll make Sylphiel cut of all her hair in support for the "Puppies with AIDS" foundation. I'll have Lina run for President of Italy! AHAHAHAHAHA!
L-Sama: (twitch) You wouldn't dare!
Bane: Indeed I wo...ERK!
(Bane suddenly suffers a fatal heart attack)
L-Sama: Well, that clears that up.....hey, who's writing this? Oh well.
(A group of fangirls sit in a basement, plotting.)
Fangirl #1 (Shelly): Oh my gawd. Zelgadiss is like...hot!
Fangirl #2 (Marion): Like, yah. But like...Xelloss is like....hot!
Fangirl #3 (Andrea): Cha-YAH! Amelia is like...such a little slut, even if she doesn't make a pass at Zelgadiss. Zelgadiss totally doesn't belong with that little twerp.
Fangirl #5 (Rhoda): Oh, yah. And like....you know Xelloss...he's hot.
Marion: Dude, I already said that.
Rhoda: Fuck you, biatch!
Andrea: Let's not fight! Let's write crappy yaoi!
All: Yay!
Fangirl #4 (Brenda): Um...weren't we supposed to be plotting?
Shelly: Screw that! We can make pretty boys kiss!
Brenda: (shrugs) Cool.
Marion: Hey. What's this ancient, dusty looking book here that says "Chaotic Portal Book. Mary-Sues need not read."?
Rhoda: Let's read it!
(Marion opens the book. Naturally, a portal opens, and the fangirls are all sucked in.)
All: WOOAAAHHHHH!
Naga: OHOHOHOHOHO! You have landed on Boardwalk, Lina Inverse. I OWN IT! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
Lina: No you don't. I do.
Naga: Oh. (Crestfallen) Must you deflate me? ohohohoho.
Amelia: I can't believe that we ended up playing Monopoly.
Zelgadiss: I can't either, but here we are.
Gourry: By the pricking of my thumbs! Something wicked this way comes!
Lina: What did you say?
Gourry: I said that some rabid fangirls are at the door.
Zelgadiss: Hide me.
Xelloss: Me too.
Fangirls: LET US IN! WE WANT BISHOUUUUUUNEN!
Naga: (stands up, knocking the Monopoly board off the table) OHOHOHOHOHO! I'll hold these weaklings off! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
Others: Bye! (they flee proudly)
Fangirls: LET US IIIIIINNNNNN!
Naga: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
(The door bursts open. The five fangirls run towards Naga.)
Andrea: Ew! Naga! Female near-nudity has no place in Slayers.
Naga: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
Brenda: That laugh doesn't either.
Naga: Prepare to be frozen in fear! Freeeeeze ARROOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
(Naga sends a freeze arrow. It hits Marion and shatters.)
Marion: Ahahaha! Simple human! You can destroy a Mary-Sue!
(Naga bites her lip.)
Naga: It is as feared! They are truly the Dark Fangirls of the Apocalypse!
Shelly: Yeah! We're going to capture all the Bishounen of the world!
Naga: OHOHOHOHOHOHO! That is a crappy plan!
Andrea: Quiet! (She throws a fireball at Naga. It incinerates her.)
Naga: Ow.
Rhoda: Now you see what we are capable of! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Woman #3: (jumps out of another plot hole.) That's my laugh!
Brenda: Who are you?
Woman #3: Woman #3. I make explosive omelets.
Andrea: Wicked. Join us.
Woman #3: Okay. I've got two minions. They are pretty good at cracking eggs.
Brenda: Excellllent.
Marion: We are unstoppable! No one will stop us! (incinerates Naga again.)
Naga: (dying) No....I have...failed. Forgive me....Debbie Boone. I never did buy your...greatest...hits....album...o...ho....ho...ho...(dies)
(Dramatic music plays)
Narrator: Will our heroes beat the unholy alliance between the random women and the Mary-Sues? Will Val, Filia and the others show up in the next chapter? Can puppies get AIDS? Find out in the next exciting chapter of....
Valgaav: Oh, shut up. Of course Lina is going to win. You just can't kill her. I'm here, so that answers your question. I don't care if Puppies get AIDS. And when is random pop-culture references mixed with the ghost of a plot exciting? I'm going to bed....
END....of chapter one.
~~~~~