Deflating

Chapter Five: Circling Square One

***

The newest part of the plan (was there a plan?) was to be put into action on the following Thursday, when they had Charms. James decided that Charms would be the best place to start up a polite conversation with Lily, as Charms was her favorite subject; plus, as an extra security measure for James himself, there were plenty of people around just in case something pricky escaped his newly acquired tact and Lily decided to hex him into oblivion.

James, watching stealthily from just outside the classroom door, spotted Lily sitting in the third row from the front, nearest seat to the wall. Sirius was sitting on the opposite side of the room. Damn, it wasn't going to be easy to make sitting somewhere near Lily look like a coincidence. He tried to signal to Sirius to sit somewhere closer to her, but either Sirius didn't understand James's fervent motioning to Lily's chair or was anticipating watching his best friend squirm.

Now there was a dilemma. Did he leave the small talk for Monday or take a gamble and sit with Lily? There was a seat available behind her, and a seat right next to Sirius.

What to do, what to do…

James entered the room finally and strode purposefully to where Lily was sitting and slid in the seat behind her. He heard her let out an audible sigh, which made him wonder whether or not he had made the right decision.

Now, he only had to figure out how to get her attention.

Once the lesson began, James purposely dropped his quill. He leaned down and picked it up, slowly drawing himself up. He stopped himself when he was level with Lily's shoulder--he was really close to her; closer than he'd ever been before, he could actually smell her perfume-- and said quietly, "All right, Lily?"

She tensed, looked down at him for a moment--right in his eyes, searching them. Lily seemingly shook herself, because she turned away and snapped softly, "Potter, leave me alone."

She'd called him Potter.

James wanted to scream as he righted himself and sat up in his seat. She was so difficult. She was probably enjoying this; taking satanic pleasure in his failed efforts. James scowled and whipped out his Stalking Lily Evans notebook:

Thursday, 30 November

9:07 a.m.: First attempt at small talk: failed spectacularly.

Subject seems content to be difficult. Have returned to previous conclusion that Subject is an insufferable wench. I am wondering again why I am doing this.

***

"Well, no wonder she snapped at you!" Remus exclaimed at lunch later that day as James attempted to drown himself in soup. James looked up sullenly from his bowl and slurped from his spoon as he waited for Remus to continue with his views on the subject. "You tried to do too much, too soon!"

James dropped his spoon in his bowl. "I just said, 'All right?' How was that too much, too soon? Should I have just waved?" He put on a very meek expression, fluttered his eyelashes, and waved shyly, his hand poised right next to his ear.

Remus sighed exasperatedly and swatted at James's hand as James laughed. "Prongs, you're just not getting it. It's the way you were doing it. You were flirting with her."

James snorted. "You didn't see her, Moony. She wanted it."

Sirius whacked his friend on the back of the head, watching his turkey sandwich in the other hand and chewing it calmly. "That was pricky," he explained, taking another large bite.

"You know what!" James exclaimed, massaging the back of his head, making sure to make his hair stick up in the process. "For someone who is supposed to be my best friend, you certainly take great joy in inflicting bodily harm upon me when I say something pricky, Sirius!"

"'Course I do," Sirius responded. "Moony's been pinching me every time you or I or Wormtail says something pricky. He's been working on me since last year. Who am I to deny you that pleasure?" He grinned through his sandwich and announced proudly, "I'm difficult."

James rounded on Remus. "Are you trying to make the whole damn school valiant gentlemen?"

"No," Remus replied. "Just you two. You two have reasons." He shrugged and reached for another roll.

James turned to Sirius again, who was munching on his fourth consecutive sandwich. "And what is your reason?" he demanded.

Sirius, through bites of sandwich, responded deliberately, "I am not at liberty to say."

"I'll find out," James warned.

"Oh, I'd be disappointed if you didn't," Sirius assured him.

James sighed and stirred his soup unenthusiastically. "So what do I do now?"

"Nothing different," Remus told him. "Just keep doing what you're doing and try again later."

"Thank you, Mr. Magic 8-Ball," James muttered.

***

"I must admit," Lily said, chewing on a sandwich thoughtfully, "I am a little disappointed in him."

Emily and Charlotte both stared. "Because…?" Charlotte prodded when Lily didn't answer for several moments.

"I just thought that he was actually getting better. You know…actually trying to be on speaking terms with me, as opposed to just trying to get me into bed." She sighed. "Apparently, my James-Potter-Skepticism meter is faulty. I must work on that." Lily frowned as she reached for another sandwich.

Emily, who had not held in in a short, sharp laugh at Lily's mention of her "James-Potter-Skepticism-Meter", commented dryly, "So you want him to continue flirting with you?"

Lily sighed exasperatedly. "That's what I'm telling you," she said impatiently. "I don't want him to flirt with me. I want him to treat me like an equal, someone he could share a conversation with, not just a night of shagging. And if he can't even do that, I don't want to talk to him at all."

"That's a little extreme," Charlotte muttered.

"Hardly," Lily responded sharply. "I really think that, under that pretentious swagger, he's really a nice person…" She wrinkled her eyes. "Somewhere in there."

***

"Apologize," James repeated flatly. "You think I should apologize."

Remus lowered Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them to look at his friend. "Yes, James, I do believe that would be the best direction to go in," he responded icily.

"I don't think that'll do anything," James said firmly, ignoring the fact that Remus had called him 'James' instead of 'Prongs'. When any member of the Marauders used another member's birth-given name instead of their nickname, it usually meant that said member was ticking them off.

"Just do it," Remus said snappishly, not bothering to lower the book this time. "I don't see how she can get any more angry at you, so I just suggest you do it. She'll think you very chivalresque."

"Is that even a word?" James inquired curiously.

Remus sighed very loudly and deliberately as he placed the book down. "Does it even matter, James? Just go and apologize to Lily. Trust me, you'll regret it tomorrow if you don't."

James glanced at the clock next to his bed. It was 10:45. "Can't," he said cheerfully, glad to postpone this apology. "She's asleep by now."

Remus couldn't help but smile. "Now aren't you glad you've been paying more attention to her?"

"Sure."

***

Lily was dreaming.

She was asleep, but the pictures she was watching weren't something she'd made up in her stupor; weren't some vague vision shrouded in symbolism towards something that was due to happen in the future.

This had actually happened. This was a memory.

It was a memory of a day in fifth year…it was almost the end of O.W.L.s, and Lily, Emily, Charlotte, and a group of girls they were pleasantly acquainted with were sitting around the lake, dangling their bare feet in the water, hoping to cool off but not succeeding very well; the water was heated by the blazing sun overhead.

Lily was discussing the next day's set of exams with another girl--what was her name? Jenny? Josie? She really couldn't remember-- when she heard uproarious cheering and laughter. Lily looked up --reflexively-- and spotted Severus Snape, a boy in their year, bobbing like an exceptionally small parade balloon in the air. Lily's eyes traveled down to see who was inflicting this torture upon poor Severus, and saw James Potter's wand in the air…and he was laughing.

Fuming, Lily stood up and pushed her way over to where James and his friends were standing and chortling. "Leave him ALONE!" she shrieked by way of greeting.

James turned to her, still smiling. Once he recognized the voice and who it belonged to, his left hand flew to the back of his head to rumple his hair. Lily hated this action; hated how every girl she knew seemed to love it. "All right, Evans?" he said evenly.

"Leave him alone, Potter," she repeated. "What's he ever done to you?"

James seemed to consider this. "It's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean," he replied, beaming, undoubtedly very proud of that remark. People surrounding them laughed, and Lily felt anger surge up in her stomach. How could he be so mean to another person--a person, with feelings and emotions and…and she just didn't understand it at all. At all.

"Leave him alone," she repeated again.

"I will if you go out with me," James responded immediately. "Go on…go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again…"

Lily didn't really believe in hate; she didn't think anyone could ever really hold so enough resentment against someone that they hated them, but at that instant, she disliked James Potter very, very much. "I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," she hissed, enjoying the flickering of disappointment flitting across James Potter's face, dimming the hazel eyes behind the thin glasses, taking pleasure in his pain…was that hate? No, she convinced herself, no, that was contempt, but not hate. Lily Evans was sure that she did not hate anyone.

And just then, Lily woke up.

She glanced over at the clock positioned on Emily's bedside table, noting that it was five minutes after five. A little early to be getting up, but clearly Lily wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep.

She sat up in bed and rubbed her closed eyes, pausing for a moment to watch the little light show behind her eyelids that is always put on when you rub your eyes too hard. She blinked, smiled a little, and stepped quietly out of bed, so as not to wake Charlotte and Emily. Neither sister was much of a morning person, and Lily didn't want them to be irritable the entire day.

(A Quick A/N: I'm not sure if I had the conversation between J&L in the above segment completely correct. My brother is insisting on reading OoP right now, and refuses to let me see it, so I did that completely off of memory, which means I am almost positive it's wrong. I haven't read it enough times for it to be right ;) So don't bother correcting me on it, I might fix it later…but even if I don't, you guys know what's right, and that's what's important, right?)

***

When Lily came downstairs, James was already there, flipping through a book in an almost bored fashion, the quiet of the room occasionally punctured by his snickering or sighing. Remembering their conversation not two weeks before, Lily said quietly, "Must be a good book."

James, not looking up, replied lazily, "It is." He smiled behind the book and said, "What are you doing up this early?"

Deciding not to keep with the whole reenactment of their last real conversation, Lily sat on the sofa opposite him and told him, "I just woke up."

He didn't say much of anything, just a slight, "Ah." Then he cleared his throat and said, "Listen, Lily, about the other day in Charms…"

"You mean the day where you reminded me just how much of a prick you are?" she said coolly.

"You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant little toerag…"

Lily's own voice flashed through her head, and she wondered why she kept dwelling on the happenings of that afternoon today. It was two years ago, and it wasn't like anything extremely major had come out of it.

She returned her attention to James, who had apparently just said something and was waiting for her reaction. "What?" she asked, her voice sounding dazed and a little stupid. Lily winced.

James looked thoroughly peeved that she wasn't paying attention to him. "I said, I'm sorry."

If she hadn't been seated, Lily would've fallen over. She had never heard James Potter apologize for anything to anyone, except maybe Professor McGonagall, and even then it was in such a sweetly angelic voice that Lily (and often McGonagall herself) didn't believe for a moment.

"Sorry for what?" Lily said softly, as though she was speaking in a church. She really was that surprised.

James looked cross now. "For…for…" He made some wild hand motions that didn't mean anything, apparently trying to stall. "For…trying to come on to you."

"Go on…go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"Well," Lily said briskly, now trying to get James's taunting voice out of her head. "Well." She didn't seem to be able to say anything else.

"Well, you forgive me, or well, I'm still a sodding bastard in your eyes?"

Lily smiled a little. "Both."

***

Monday, 4 December

Approximately 6:00 a.m.: Subject has just left Common Room, laughing obscenely at (are you ready for this shocking revelation?) my expense.

You'd think she'd be a little more sympathetic towards me. I am trying to get her to fall in love with me--pricky, James, pricky-- but it's not working as well as I'd hoped, and she's loving it.
Sometimes Subject makes me extremely angry.

Maybe that is why I like her so much.

Whatever.

Okay, so I have been up since four thirty this morning, waiting for Subject to come downstairs, partially because I wanted to apologize without the entire bloody school breathing down my neck, and partially because Moony will ask me as soon as he sees me whether or not I've apologized to Subject yet. Okay, just because I have put it off for three days does not mean I'm never going to do it. Case in point: I already apologized this morning. Subject's reaction was less than stellar, but why quibble? Point is, I got it over with.

And the best part of the entire morning? When Subject came downstairs. Not because she looked exceptionally pretty this morning, but because of what she said: "Must be a good book."

I told her it was. And it is: I wrote it, after all.

***

A/N: Yeah, we'll (you'll, actually, I already know) why Lily keeps remembering the little shred of canon I'm working off of eventually. Have not decided when. It's negotiable ;)

I'm glad most people like James's journal entries; I really like writing them. There's also a reason why he keeps calling Lily 'Subject' (besides the obvious comedic answer; I just like the way it sounds with 'Subject' interjected where Lily's name is supposed to go), but whether or not that reason will come out in the story or if I'll just flat out tell you is also negotiable.

I was asked (ooh, it's Q&A time! Gather 'round, everyone!) whether or not this'll just be explaining how James and Lily got together, or if I'll continue talking about how they escaped Voldemort 3 times. Probably the latter…just not in this story, because that mention in the book drove me insane wondering how they did it three times. Yes, I am planning to steal all of the possible Extend-the-Canon-into-Fanon ideas from the 5th book concerning the Marauders. And after that, I'll conquer the world. ;)