YES! It's lunch break time to finish this ordeal; my friends are killing me here!

Beyond Yesterday

May was gone before I realized it. The next thing I knew, we're reviewing for our exams. Every teacher was busy cramming more information into the students' brains so that his or she wouldn't have the chance of seeing a student again next year.

The walls of the senior area of the cafeteria were covered with handmade posters these days; some of them were just a plain piece of paper with the name of its creator and the name of the college he or she was going to attend in the fall. Each day the number of posters increased, and by the end of first week in June, there were only few spots left on the wall.

And Mulder's poster was nowhere in sight, if he did have one.

On the first Friday of June I helped Ellie putting up her poster. She had spent quite a bit of time on it, and she was very proud of both her poster and herself.

"Ellie Rosenberg, Northwestern University," I read out aloud, looking at Ellie. "So you really are going away?"

"No worries," she said, placing one hand on her hip. "I'll be back every Christmas and summer, so I'll still see you guys. Well, not that often, but hey it's better than nothing."

"She's abandoning us," Estelle said gloomily, staring up at the poster we just managed to tape on the wall. "She is abandoning us."

Ellie slapped her sister gently on the head. "Hey quit it! You've been saying that for days even when you know that's not true."

"It is true," Estelle mumbled, turned on her heels and left us standing there, not knowing if we should call her back.

Ellie turned to me and said, "She's not taking this too well. Mom's even worse. Last night she burst into tears while passing me the potato salad. I wonder what will she do when it comes the time when I really have to leave."

I smiled faintly. "You deserved it; you've put good hours into study and volunteering and school activities, and plus you're smart. You deserve to be in a famous college, even if it's a long way from home."

"Hey you're smart too," she argued, her eyes trailed at other posters. "And look here Greg Wilson, Princeton he's the head of Math Team and he deserves to be there he's the only son in his family and yesterday he told me that his mother cried when she heard he's going up to New Jersey" she shook her head, frowning. "Parents they are always telling us to grow up but when the time come they won't let us"

"Does Mulder have a poster?" I asked. She looked away from the poster at once.

"He's going to work on it this weekend, he said." She shrugged. "Really, I don't know where exactly does he want to go. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes all the way to West Coast, though. He wants to get away from his parents so badly."

I nodded. I was warned, of course. But I still didn't want to think that I was never going to see Mulder again after this month ended. It was way too sad for me to bear.

Ellie patted on my shoulder and I looked up at her. "Hey, time to get to homeroom," she said softly, the way a mother would talk to her daughter. "You don't want to be late for the morning announcements these days."

***

On Monday morning I walked into cafeteria, half-expecting to find Mulder there. And he was there, with a roll of tape in one hand and scissors in another. Ellie was holding the poster on one of the few spots left on the wall.

"How's this?" she asked, almost yelling. "MY arms are getting tired!"

"It's good!" he said, putting tape over the top side of the poster and Ellie stepped down from the chair she had been standing on, and looked at it suspiciously.

"I'm surprised that it hasn't collapsed yet."

"It's because you're so goddam thin that the chair doesn't even know you're on top of it," Mulder said, giving the poster a good slap. "There. It should stay on for at least two weeks. Then we have to take it off."

"What's up?" I said, walking over to them. Mulder blushed, and tried to block the name of the college on his poster. Ellie stared at him like if he was mad.

"Mulder, let her see it. It's not like you're going to a community college or something like that; you should be proud of yourself!"

Mulder sighed resignedly and stepped away from the wall. I stepped closer to read the poster. "Fox W. Mulder, Oxford University." I turned to look at him, amazed. "You're going to England?"

He nodded, shifting his weight from one foot to another. "I've always wanted to go there, and here comes my chance with full scholarship, by the way." He looked at me as if he was feeling guilty. "This chance is too good to, well, let go."

Ellie cleared her throat and said, " I'll have to go and well, Estelle forgot her lunch this morning and I have to give it to her. So if you'll excuse me"

She slipped out of the cafeteria, leaving us standing there under Mulder's poster.

"Good for you," I said cheerfully, doing my best to smile. "You're probably the only person in this school who will get the chance to enjoy education in another country! That's pretty exciting, isn't it?"

"It is," he said, not looking at me. "Well, I won't know anyone there, so I've got a pretty good chance of building up another reputation that does scream, well, 'psycho.'"

I forced myself to laugh; my face hurt, but I wouldn't let him know. "Oh you're never a psycho; give yourself some more credit!"

"Well, a lot of people think that I am." We were silent for a few minutes until I said, perhaps a bit way too brightly, "Well, time to get to homeroom."

"Ill walk you there," he said, but I shook my head.

"No, you'll be late for your homeroom if you do that, and you don't want to miss the morning announcements these days!"

Before he could say anything else, I ran out of the cafeteria.

According to my sister's stack of romance novels, I should start cry any second now, but I didn't.

However, the part about heartbreaking was nothing but real.

***

I skipped lunch for the whole week; I didn't want to see him or talk to him if possible. All of my friends except Elena and Estelle didn't know about Mulder, so there was no reason that they might bring him up. We talked about what our final exams might cover, our plans for summer, and sometimes music and movies. Elena and Estelle didn't talk about him either; Elena was too worried about her Geometry final to talk about anything else, and Estelle was upset that her sister would be leaving her in a month or so.

Exams took one and half weeks. I finished mine without any incidents, and I was confident that I had passed all of them. The day before the English exam, I went to Estelle's house to help her with some last minute reviewing. As I waited for her to open the door, I saw Mulder looking at me through a window. He smiled at me, his expression a bit unsure, but I bit my lower lip and stared straight at the front door of Estelle's house. I could tell that he had left his spot behind the window.

I sighed. I knew that I was being rude, but I wasn't as hurt as the day I saw that poster on the cafeteria wall.

Maybe rudeness--or coldness to some--could actually offer some kind of protection sometimes. I hugged myself tightly; had anyone realized this before me? Was that the reason why some people always seemed to hate everyone no matter how they were treated?

Were they actually trying to protect themselves from getting hurt? Was I?

***

I went to Bill's graduation with my family. I didn't listen for Mulder's name to be called; however, when I saw him walked across the stage, I felt like someone had pricked my heart with a sharp pin.

He really was leaving, a tiny voice said in my head.

I blinked; the voice was no longer there. I applauded with everyone else; not too hard, not too weak. Not too enthusiastic, not too uninterested.

It was just another person that I wouldn't ever see again walking across the stage and taking his diploma.

After the ceremony, I told my family that I'd go and find Ellie. I pushed through the crowd to Estelle. She didn't look upset at all. She was smiling and beaming at her sister admiringly. Mrs. Rosenberg, however, was still dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. Ellie pulled me aside and said, "Sorry about Mom; she's having another of her emotional breakdowns--it's not uncommon these days."

I grinned. "I can imagine. At least Estelle's out of that phase now."

She sighed, looking relieved. "Yeah. I don't think I can stand it if she's also crying her eyes out. Listen," she lowered her voice to a whisper so her family wouldn't hear, "Look after my sister, would you? Not that I have no faith in her--it's just that she can always use some help in well, a particular subject, which you two had the same class this year. Can you do that for me?"

I grinned. "Of course. That's what friends are for, right? They look out for each other."

She smiled and went back to her family; few other senior girls were gathering around her, chatting excitedly. I heard one of them asking Ellie what was she planning for the summer. I found my family near the exit; Dad was shaking hand with the principal, and Melissa looked bored. "Where have you been?" she asked.

"I told you that I went to find a friend," I said slowly, taking another step toward her.

"A friend? Mr. Fox Mulder, I presume?"

"Fox Mulder is not a girl, Missy," I said, laughing.

"Oh, I've always thought that you have a thing for him," she said thoughtfully, studying me. "Guess you don't, after all."

I didn't say anything, because I did have a thing for Mulder, putting it my sister's way.

***

I went to Estelle's house for a few times during summer. I never caught Mulder looking at me through the window again, but I knew that I would eventually move on, and even find someone who suited me better.

Fox Mulder was just another guy who I would never see again in my life.