Deflating

Chapter Twelve: A Subject Called Lily

***

Lily stared at the book in her hands, furious at herself. She hadn't given it back to James in Potions, as she had vowed she would when she found it. Her own curiosity had taken over, and the book had remained in her bag until now.

It was twilight, and Lily was in her dormitory, debating the pros and cons of reading the book. On one hand, she reasoned, James had left it unattended in the classroom. It was his fault if he was thick enough to just leave it behind.

On the other hand, it was a very, very personal object. Had she actually been able to keep one, Lily would have been extremely upset if someone had taken her diary and read it without her permission.

I should take it back, Lily thought regretfully, actually standing to go to the boys' dormitory and give it to him.

Suddenly, a thought came to her…

'He wouldn't do that to you. He really likes you.'

Surely reading this would prove everyone wrong: Charlotte, her mother, her stupidly romantic self … surely the nefarious finer points of James Potter's courting of her would be in this book, in his handwriting, plain as day. That would probably be enough to completely cancel out her feelings for him.

Lily bit her lip, took a step back, fell onto her bed, and opened up the book.

***

James was going a little bit crazy.

He was frantic, turning his room inside out, looking for that book. He was sick with worry that someone--namely, Lily--might find the book and discover very important details in there.

"Where did I put it?" he hissed to himself as he emptied the contents of his bag onto the floor by his bed. He riffled through various pieces of Quidditch paraphernalia, old homework papers, schoolbooks, a chess piece (he had no idea how that had gotten in there and didn't much care at the moment), the Marauder's Map (he'd have to give that to Sirius as he was very scared that he had lost the thing), and some broken quills--but no book.

James groaned and threw himself onto his bed, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

***

Lily read through James's book in a state of disbelief.

He was stalking her. She had a stalker.

That was incredibly weird…and unsettling…what if he was watching her now? And the way he didn't write out her name, choosing to write Subject instead was very off-putting --she was a person, not a cluster of fungi in a petri dish. He had to be really, really thick if he thought that she wasn't going to figure out that he was writing about her; every one of their encounters were meticulously recorded in this book. Even if she, for whatever reason, hadn't realized it from just her memory, Remus had slipped up and written her name once.

However offending this journal was, it was also endlessly fascinating, in the same way that a car accident is interesting: you know you aren't supposed to be entertained by it, but you can't stop watching it anyway. James's thoughts, however scattered and unsettling, were intriguing in themselves, if just from a scholarly point of view. As Lily was most noticeably female, she didn't know how a boy's brain worked, just like James obviously hadn't the foggiest clue how a girl's functioned. But it was interesting to see his horribly misguided guesses.

Lily glanced at the clock on Emily's nightstand (she really needed to get one of her own) and noted that it was only 9:30. There was a very good chance that James was still down in the common room with his pretty little friends.

She smirked. Confrontation time was always fun. Especially now that she had some really good blackmail (there was an oxymoron) against James.

Lily hid the book behind her back as she descended the girls' staircase, trying to hold back a smile. She spotted Sirius Black and Remus Lupin playing chess in front of the fireplace and Peter Pettigrew frowning over a book, but no James. Lily moved the book further behind her back and approached Sirius and Remus, wanting to leave Peter alone while he did his homework.

"Hello," she said pleasantly to them, offering a smile.

Remus captured one of Sirius's pawns; his bishop threw it violently from the board and cackled with mirth. "Can I help you with something?" Remus asked, now looking up from the board.

"Actually," Lily replied, fighting the smile again, "you can. Mind telling me where James is?"

"You found the book," Sirius said immediately.

Lily frowned. "What book?" she inquired innocently, suddenly wishing she had her wand so she could Vanish said book.

Remus smiled. "The one behind your back."

"Really, Lily," Sirius added. "Get more creative next time, please. You're seriously insulting our intelligence. And ask someone else where our dear friend Prongs is."

"What did you think of it?" Remus asked.

"Think of the book?" Lily said rhetorically. "I'm not going to tell you. Tell me where James is."

"He's right here," came James's voice from behind her. Lily pivoted to face him, and almost laughed at his appearance: he had smears of ink all over his face and hands, his hair was positively everywhere, and his glasses were askew. James took his spectacles off now and cleaned them with the bottom of his sweater. "I see you have my book. I assume you read it?" He replaced the frames on the bridge of his nose.

"That's a fair assumption," Lily replied calmly.

"Do you understand why I said I loved you, then?"

Lily was taken aback; having read this journal, she expected James to act differently than he was. "No," she said abruptly, without really thinking on the matter. "I don't think I'll ever understand that," she added carefully, mentally reprimanding herself for the harshness with which the rushed reply was said.

James nodded and took a step closer to her; on impulse, she took a step back. James smirked. "Relax," he said. "I'm not going to kiss you."

Lily felt her face growing red. "I--I'm not--" she stammered, wondering furiously why she suddenly was tripping all over herself. James arched an eyebrow at this as well, and Lily was reminded in that instant of the cocky, impossibly egocentric prick that James used to be--still is, Lily fiercely pointed out to herself as he brushed past her.

"So," James said coolly, settling himself on the sofa where Peter was sitting, "did you enjoy laughing at my expense?"

Lily was confused. "What?"

"Well, obviously, you would find it entertaining that I would spend all that time watching you, recording silly little details about you, trying to learn everything about you? You would think it funny, wouldn't you, that I held onto a silly schoolboy crush on a girl that feels nothing but contempt for me for three years?" James genuinely seemed to be questioning her, like he really wanted to know. His thick eyebrows were raised, so high that they disappeared beneath his black fringe.

"No!" Lily insisted, horrified that he thought that of her. "No, I don't think that at all."

James smirked again, something Lily was surprised to see. "Oh, so you fell in love with my rakish wit?"

All pity for him immediately subsided. "No," she said, then added, smiling, "That was pricky."

"Bad luck, Prongs," Sirius spoke up from the fireplace, where he was losing his game steadily.

Lily ignored him. "No," she repeated. "I was angry. I was mad that you could refer to me like I was some form of bacteria under a microscope and not as a person."

"Point taken," James said. "But it was only a security precaution. I see you as a person."

"A security precaution?" Lily repeated again. "Remus here gave you away. And it was only too obvious; anyone who knows us would've figured out it was me."

"Told you," Sirius interjected satisfactorily.

James shot him a dark look, then turned his attention back to Lily. He sighed and said, "Look, Lily, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry, first of all, that you even got a hold of that. But now I'm more sorry that you are denying everything you feel just because of your pride."

Lily, who had been looking at the floor, jerked her head up to face him. Her face was losing color. "What?"

James smiled. "If I were to ask you out, right here, right now, what would you say?"

"I would tell you to shove it up your arse," Lily said, blood pounding in her ears.

James continued to smile, infuriatingly so. "Yes, I suppose you would," he replied calmly. "Mind giving me back my book?"

"Promise never to write in it again?"

"Can't promise that," James said. "But I can promise that I'll never refer to you as Subject again."

Lily stared at him. "Okay," she agreed reluctantly, passing him the book.

***

James was sitting on his bed in his room, grinning, when Sirius came bursting in.

"What was that?" Sirius demanded.

"What was what?" James asked innocently.

"Your cute little heart-to-heart with Lily. 'You're denying what you're feeling', or something like that."

James smiled. "That," he said, "was the greatest bluff I've ever come up with."

***

A/N: I am shocked. Really. Saturday night, when I posted chapter 11, I had 299 reviews. Tonight (1:23 a.m., I really can't kick this habit), as I'm posting chapter 12, I have 389.

You. Guys. Are. Delusional.

THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH!!! I am thrilled and completely surprised, and please keep reviewing!!

And now, in reply to those reviews:

Of course cliffhangers are fun! I'm glad you liked my Compulsive Updating Syndrome. Unfortunately, I am apparently the only one in all of fandom who is afflicted with it. ::sigh:: I personally think it's sad, but there you are.