Title: Ham and Cheese

Author: DOKChairman

Time: No particular time frame. Assume everything that has happened up to the second season is fair game.

Disclaimer: I do not own Alias. If you really believe I own Alias, then I have some beach front property to sell you in Utah. No really, I do. Just give me a call at 1-800-333-SUCKER and we'll see about setting you up. Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by whoever's reading this, you know who you are, J. J. Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC (Disney's front for their attempt at world domination) own Alias.


A/N: This story is nothing but cheap crap. If you are reading this, you are more than likely wasting your time. Why do I knock my own story you ask? That's a good question. Let me tell you why. This is supposed to be a humorous story, and unfortunately, I am not funny. Don't get me wrong, I have a sarcastic streak a mile long, but sarcasm does not usually translate well into jokes. So you have to suffer just like I do. Did I mention you should stop reading this? Oh, and for those wondering on the status of Angel Dark, it is coming along, but I need to take a break from the doom and gloom that story is turning into. Look for a new chapter within the next two weeks, hopefully before the Super Bowl. God, I was so happy that the 49'ers got their ass kicked, and that the Raiders won. Long live the Raider Nation! You cannot escape the Black Hole.


Warning!!!!!!: This story contains adult humor, crude situations, bad language, and GROSSLY OUT OF CHARACTER CHARACTERIZATIONS. I hope I was clear enough. If you are easily offended, French, Canadian, or God forbid, French Canadian, read at your own risk. Don't come complaining to me if something in the story upsets you. You have been warned. Now please read on at your discretion.


Chapter 1: Would you like some mayo with your Ham and Cheese?



"Ok, ok, I got one for you. A man, a giraffe, and a monkey walk into a bar..."

Weiss was interrupted by Vaughn. "Hold on a second. A giraffe?"

"What?" Weiss asked innocently. He added for Vaughn's benefit, "It's a really big bar, ok?" Weiss frowned at the skeptical look on Vaughn's face and took a large bite out of his ham and cheese sandwich. Mumbling with a large chunk in his mouth, "Jesus, its like you've never heard of a joke before."

Vaughn, who heard Weiss's mumbled comment, cried indignantly, "Hey! I've heard of jokes before. But, I mean, come on! Who's ever heard of a giraffe in a bar before?" Vaughn added sullenly, "I think it's a perfectly justified question."

Weiss snorted and took a large gulp of his Coke to help him swallow down a particularly lumpy piece of sandwich that was stuck in his throat. Once his throat was clear, he said, "Jokes aren't supposed to make sense. Their supposed to be stupid and dumb."

"Well, I think you're doing a good job then."

Weiss glared at Vaughn. "Screw you man. I've heard your repertoire of five jokes and let me tell you that that cricket bar joke is as good as you get." Weiss thumped his hand against his chest and said proudly, "I, on the other hand, am a master. You could learn many things from me, young one."

Vaughn raised an eyebrow merely in response. He knew Weiss would be looking for more of a reaction, so he wasn't going to give him one. True to form, Weiss's smile faded from one of expected gloating to one of disappointed frowning. Vaughn laughed.

Weiss glared. "Haha, laugh it up fuzzball. Can I get on with my joke now?"

Vaughn merely shrugged and took a sip of his ice cold Coke. Weiss continued on, "Anyway, as I was saying, a man, a giraffe, and a monkey walk into a bar. The man and the monkey sit down at the bar and the man orders three beers..."

Vaughn interrupted again just to piss Weiss off. It was a lot of fun to see Weiss frustrated and angry. He was usually such a laid back guy. "Wait. Why is the monkey at the bar?"

Weiss threw his hands up in the air in frustration and gritted out a loud string of incomprehensible sounds, "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrg!" Vaughn tried to stifle his reaction, but he soon lost control when he saw a vein start to pulse on Weiss's forehead. Before he knew it, he was laughing uncontrollably.

Weiss sent a death glare in Vaughn's direction and took another large bite out of his sandwich to help himself cool down. It wouldn't be good to kill Vaughn. For one thing, the deli they were in had too many witnesses, plus he knew Sydney would not be very happy with him, and he would never be able to get revenge if Vaughn was dead. So Weiss just gritted his teeth.

"Are you finished yet?"

Vaughn said in between laughs, "Almost. Man, you should have seen your face."

Weiss just shook his head. "You know, I can't let something like this go unpunished."

Vaughn calmed down and goaded Weiss defiantly, "Do your worst. You can't touch me."

Weiss was more than up to the challenge. "Oh yeah. I know more about you than you think." Weiss grinned evilly. "I'm sure Sydney would be more than happy to hear about some of your more...colorful adventures. Like that time you and Nicole Greer got caught by that cop while you guys were in the park..." Weiss's voice trailed off.

Vaughn stiffened and his face lost all its color. He hissed out worriedly, "You wouldn't dare! You swore you would never tell anyone about that night."

Weiss just grinned and said nonchalantly, "Please, Mike, how long have you known me? Of course I would tell her. It'd be worth it just to see the look on her face." Weiss then said in a contemplative tone, "I wonder if she'll laugh her ass off or pity you."

"First off, I had no idea that cop was anywhere near us when we decided to...uh...use that fountain. Secondly, I was drunk so I can't be held responsible for any of the things that I might have done. And thirdly, if you tell Sydney anything I will somehow get Devlin to transfer to the farthest, most hellish place I can find. I'm sure they'll appreciate your jokes there."

Vaughn was getting a little carried away, but as Weiss well knew, Sydney was a touchy subject with him. Weiss tried to make peace. "Ok, I won't tell Sydney anything as long as you let me finish my joke."

"Fine. I was gonna let you tell it eventually, I just wanted to see how pissed you would get first."

Weiss smiled happily and took another drink of his soda. "Great!" Slurp. "Where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember. Ok, so the man buys three beers. Meanwhile, the giraffe is walking through the bar trying to find a empty table. As he does, he spots a beautiful woman sitting by herself. So the giraffe walks up to her and starts hitting on her. A few minutes later, the man and the monkey come walking up to the table and the man hears the woman say, 'Wow, that's a really long neck you have there.'

The man laughs and says to the woman, 'Lady, if you think that's long now, you should wait until he gets you alone.'

The woman doesn't understand what the man is saying and asks, 'Why?'

The man grins and says, "Because his neck is not the only thing that gets fully extended when he tries to eat something.'

Weiss finishes the joke and looks at Vaughn expectantly. When Vaughn doesn't say anything, Weiss asks, "Hey come on, what did you think?"

Vaughn shook his head. "Man, that was just wrong on so many levels I don't know where to start."

"Oh come on, its just a joke. It was funny." Weiss started pouting, "I thought it was funny."

Vaughn smiled indulgently and patted Weiss on his shoulder mockingly. "Its ok Weiss. I'm sure in the bars that joke kills. After all, they're too drunk to know any better."

Weiss shirked Vaughn's hand off his shoulder and said, "Hey! I'll have you know that those guys love me. Whenever I walk in, they always gather around so that I can amaze them with my witty repartee."

Vaughn nodded. "Like I said. Too drunk to know any better."

Weiss just frowns and reaches into his bags of chips and pulls out a dorito. After taking a few crunching bites out of the chip, he glares at Vaughn.

Vaughn, for his part, smiled back innocently. His face scrunched up funnily and he asked, "Why was the monkey in the joke? He didn't do anything."

Weiss looked flabbergasted. "What? The monkey is a joke all by itself. Don't you know it's a well known scientific fact that monkeys add humor to any situation. Just ask the Simpsons."

Vaughn laughed. "Of course. I should have known that. D'oh!" Vaughn said jokingly.

Weiss grinned. "Seriously. Name one time where you've seen a monkey and not laughed. It's a guarantee."

Vaughn just smiled faintly and went back to eating. As he took a bite out of his sandwich, he commented, "These are pretty good. Who would have thought that a blind Chinese guy could make such great sandwiches."

Weiss nodded vigorously as he took a bite out of his own sandwich. "No kidding. He kind of freaks me out though, always asking if you want mayo on your sandwich. Even when its like a meatball sandwich." Weiss lowered his voice and said conspiratorially, "I think he's got some kind of jones for the mayo. Must be the texture. Drives him wild."

Vaughn almost laughed so hard he spit out part of his Coke. He had to bring his hand up to cover his mouth, and managed to stifle some of his laughter. After a few seconds, the other customers in the deli stopped staring at him for his outburst.

Vaughn calmed down enough to say, "Now that was funny."

Weiss pumped his fist in the air over dramatically. "Yes! And he scores. I knew I would win you over sooner or later."

Vaughn would have made some kind of comment, but he was stopped by the sudden arrival of four men running wildly into the deli. All four men were wearing white T-shirts with the words Free Quebec in bold letters on the front. One of the men yelled out, "Nobody move!" That was when Vaughn and Weiss noticed the guns in their hands.


P.S. Ok, what do you think? Should I bury my head in shame, or continue? You decide. This is a work in progress and is something I will work on whenever I get bored. I do not plan to update as often as I do for my other stories. If the response is good, I will continue. If nobody likes it, I might just continue anyway just to piss people off. As you can tell, I'm in a very confrontational mood right now.