SECRETARY:
Oh, he'll see you now.
HARRY:
Hello, Vincent.
VIKTOR:
Viktor, my name is Viktor.
HARRY:
That's right. Take a seat. You know you're a remarkable man. Your wife used you twice. Killed the guy and try to blame it on you. Most men are going to dim like that swing. But no, you're sticking by her. Actually, you're a hero in my eyes.
VIKTOR:
That's right. I'm a hero.
HARRY:
Did you bring the money?
VIKTOR:
I didn't do as vell as I hoped. But, I vill, Mr. Potter. I vill.
HARRY:
This is only a thousand.
VIKTOR:
Plus this 300 I borrowed from a guy on the team, and the 700 from the
building in Long Fund.
HARRY:
2,000 Galleons?
VIKTOR:
And that's all I got so far. But I'd gife you 20 Galleons of my salary every veek. I'd give you a note vith interest. Double, triple, until efery Knut is paid, I promise.
HARRY:
You came to me yesterday, I didn't ask you if she's guilty. I didn't ask if she's innocent. I didn't ask you if she's drunk, or a dope, no! All I said was, do you have 5,000 Galleons? You said yes! But you don't have 5,000 Galleons! So I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't waste my time with dirty liars.
VIKTOR:
Look... I'm really sorry, Mr. Potter.
HARRY:
On the other hand, your devotion to your wife is really very touching. I'll take your wife's case. And I'll keep it. Because I play square. Now look, I don't like to blow my own horn. But believe me. If Jesus Christ lived in Hogsmeade today and if he had 5,000 Galleons and he come to me, things would have turn out differently. All right, this is what we going to do. At the end of the week,I'm going to have Hermione's name at the front page of every newspaper in town. "Sweetest little killer in Hogsmeade." That's the angle I'm after. You make an announcement, we're going to have an auction. Tell them we gotta raise some money for the defense. They'll buy everything that she touched. Everything: Your shoes. Your dresses. Your perfumes Your underwear.
HERMIONE:
And the CDs. Like the one I was playing when I shot the filthy bastard.
HARRY:
I didn't hear that.
HERMIONE:
Not that I didn't have grounds. Hey, what are they?
HARRY:
When we go to trial, nobody is going to care a lick what your defense is unless they care about you. So first thing we gotta do is work up some sympathy from the press. And I'll push you like some Rita Skeeter. But there was one thing they can never resist. And that is a reformed sinner. So tell me, what's your favourite subject in school?
HERMIONE:
There... I was real great...
HARRY:
There must be something that you're really good at.
HERMIONE:
I got high marks in Muggle Studies and Potions.
HARRY:
Perfect, you wanted to be a nun.
HERMIONE:
A nun?
HARRY:
Where were you born?
HERMIONE:
On a chicken farm.
HARRY:
Beautiful home, filled with every luxury in refinement. Where's your parents now?
HERMIONE:
Probably on the front porch in their rocking chairs.
HARRY:
They're dead. Family fortune swept away. You're educated as a witch.
Then you fell into a runaway marriage that left you miserable, alone, unhappy. Of course you got all swept up in a mad world, the city. Jazz, cabarets, liquors. You're drawn like a moth to the flame.
HERMIONE:
A moth?
HARRY:
Now I am a man who will assist and you're a butterfly. Crushed on a wheel!
HERMIONE:
Wait, what did you say? Is it the moth or the butterfly?
HARRY:
- You have sin in your soul.
HERMIONE:
- God, that's beautiful.
HARRY:
Cut out God. Stay with your battle acquainted. Kid, when I'm through with you, not only will you be acquainted, every man on the Wizengamot. will want to take you home to meet his mother.
HERMIONE:
I was born on a beautiful estate.
MAMA MCGONAGALL
What?
HERMIONE:
Holy shit! I'd never gonna get this straight!
HARRY:
Pipe down and stop swearing. Look, from here on, You'd say nothing worse than "Oh dear". Now try it again.
HERMIONE:
I was born on...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
GINNY:
- Come on... You know what I'm going to do at witness stand? I thought I'd get all teary eyed and ask for your handkerchief. Then I think I'd take a peek at the Wizengamot like this. Flash a bit of the thigh, what do you think?
HARRY:
It sounds great.
GINNY:
Hey, don't you want to hear the rest?
HARRY:
Knock it off. You're on the top of my list.
Well, well, well.
HERMIONE:
Sorry to be late, Mr. Potter. Hope you're not too bored.
HARRY:
I like it. I like it.
GINNY:
Hey, I heard your press conference is tomorrow.
HERMIONE:
Yeah, what is to you?
GINNY:
Well, you wanted my advice, right? Whatever it is, don't forget Harry Potter's number-one client is Harry Potter.
HERMIONE:
Meaning what?
GINNY:
Meaning, don't let him hug the spotlight. You're the one that makes the scene.
######################################################################
HARRY:
Remember, we can only sell them one idea.
HERMIONE:
I can still see him coming at me with that awful look in his eyes.
HARRY:
And?
HERMIONE:
And we... both reached for the wand.
HARRY:
That's right, you both reached for the wand.
Ready?
HERMIONE:
Yeah.
HARRY:
Thank you, gentlemen... Miss Skeeter. My client just entered pleads of not guilty. We look forward to the trial the earliest possible date. Now are there any questions? Miss Skeeter?
RITA SKEETER
As you know, my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for young girls, speaking
on how to avoid the life of Jazz and drink?
HARRY:
Absolutely yes. Mrs. Krum feels that it was the tragic combination of liquor
and Jazz, which lead to the downfall. Next question, please.
HERMIONE:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say how flattered I am that you all
came to see me.
HARRY:
Mrs. Krum is very...
HERMIONE:
You see, I was a moth... crushed on a wheel. You know, butterfly drawn to
the... I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard.
HARRY:
Shut up, dummy.
LEE JORDAN
Mr. Harry Potter in the press conference rag.
Notice how mouth never moves... almost.
REPORTER:
Where'd you come from?
HARRY:
Sussex County.
REPORTER:
And your parents?
HARRY:
Very wealthy.
REPORTER:
Where are they now?
HARRY:
Six feet under.
But she was granted one more start
The School of Hogwarts.
REPORTER:
When'd you get here?
HARRY:
1990.
REPORTER:
How old were you?
HARRY:
Don't remember
REPORTER:
Then what happened?
HARRY:
I met Viktor
And he stole my heart away
Convinced me to elope one day
RITA SKEETER:
Oh, poor girl, I can't believe what you've been through. A witch girl, a
runaway marriage. Now tell us Hermione:
Who's Ron Weasley?
HARRY:
My ex-boyfriend.
REPORTER:
Why'd you kill him?
HARRY:
I was leavin'.
REPORTER:
Was he angry?
HARRY:
Like a madman
Still I said, Ron, move along.
She knew that she was doing wrong.
REPORTER:
Then describe it.
HARRY:
He came toward me.
REPORTER:
With a wand?
HARRY:
From my bureau.
REPORTER:
Did you fight him?
HARRY:
Like a dragon.
He had strength and she had none.
And yet we both reached for the wand
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes, we both reached for the wand
ALL:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand,
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand
for the wand.
HARRY:
understandable. understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible. Comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
REPORTER:
How're you feeling?
HARRY:
Very frightened
RITA SKEETER:
Are you sorry?
HERMIONE:
Are you kidding?
REPORTER:
What's your statement?
HARRY:
All I'd say is
Though my choo-choo jumped the track
I'd give my life to bring him back
REPORTERS:
And?
HARRY:
Stay away from
REPORTERS:
What?
HARRY:
Jazz and liquor
REPORTERS:
And?
HARRY:
And the men who
REPORTERS
What?
HARRY:
Play for fun
REPORTERS:
And what?
HARRY:
That's the thought that
REPORTERS
Yeah
HARRY:
Came upon me
REPORTERS:
When?
HARRY:
When we both reached for the wand!
HARRY AND RITA:
Understandable, understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
REPORTERS:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
HARRY:
Let me hear it!
REPORTERS:
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes, they both reached
For the wand
For the wand
HARRY:
A little louder!
both REPORTERS:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they
Oh yes, they both reached
- Oh, yeah
For the wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes. They both reached
For the wand
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand
HARRY:
Both reached for the...wand
Oh, he'll see you now.
HARRY:
Hello, Vincent.
VIKTOR:
Viktor, my name is Viktor.
HARRY:
That's right. Take a seat. You know you're a remarkable man. Your wife used you twice. Killed the guy and try to blame it on you. Most men are going to dim like that swing. But no, you're sticking by her. Actually, you're a hero in my eyes.
VIKTOR:
That's right. I'm a hero.
HARRY:
Did you bring the money?
VIKTOR:
I didn't do as vell as I hoped. But, I vill, Mr. Potter. I vill.
HARRY:
This is only a thousand.
VIKTOR:
Plus this 300 I borrowed from a guy on the team, and the 700 from the
building in Long Fund.
HARRY:
2,000 Galleons?
VIKTOR:
And that's all I got so far. But I'd gife you 20 Galleons of my salary every veek. I'd give you a note vith interest. Double, triple, until efery Knut is paid, I promise.
HARRY:
You came to me yesterday, I didn't ask you if she's guilty. I didn't ask if she's innocent. I didn't ask you if she's drunk, or a dope, no! All I said was, do you have 5,000 Galleons? You said yes! But you don't have 5,000 Galleons! So I figure you're a dirty liar and I don't waste my time with dirty liars.
VIKTOR:
Look... I'm really sorry, Mr. Potter.
HARRY:
On the other hand, your devotion to your wife is really very touching. I'll take your wife's case. And I'll keep it. Because I play square. Now look, I don't like to blow my own horn. But believe me. If Jesus Christ lived in Hogsmeade today and if he had 5,000 Galleons and he come to me, things would have turn out differently. All right, this is what we going to do. At the end of the week,I'm going to have Hermione's name at the front page of every newspaper in town. "Sweetest little killer in Hogsmeade." That's the angle I'm after. You make an announcement, we're going to have an auction. Tell them we gotta raise some money for the defense. They'll buy everything that she touched. Everything: Your shoes. Your dresses. Your perfumes Your underwear.
HERMIONE:
And the CDs. Like the one I was playing when I shot the filthy bastard.
HARRY:
I didn't hear that.
HERMIONE:
Not that I didn't have grounds. Hey, what are they?
HARRY:
When we go to trial, nobody is going to care a lick what your defense is unless they care about you. So first thing we gotta do is work up some sympathy from the press. And I'll push you like some Rita Skeeter. But there was one thing they can never resist. And that is a reformed sinner. So tell me, what's your favourite subject in school?
HERMIONE:
There... I was real great...
HARRY:
There must be something that you're really good at.
HERMIONE:
I got high marks in Muggle Studies and Potions.
HARRY:
Perfect, you wanted to be a nun.
HERMIONE:
A nun?
HARRY:
Where were you born?
HERMIONE:
On a chicken farm.
HARRY:
Beautiful home, filled with every luxury in refinement. Where's your parents now?
HERMIONE:
Probably on the front porch in their rocking chairs.
HARRY:
They're dead. Family fortune swept away. You're educated as a witch.
Then you fell into a runaway marriage that left you miserable, alone, unhappy. Of course you got all swept up in a mad world, the city. Jazz, cabarets, liquors. You're drawn like a moth to the flame.
HERMIONE:
A moth?
HARRY:
Now I am a man who will assist and you're a butterfly. Crushed on a wheel!
HERMIONE:
Wait, what did you say? Is it the moth or the butterfly?
HARRY:
- You have sin in your soul.
HERMIONE:
- God, that's beautiful.
HARRY:
Cut out God. Stay with your battle acquainted. Kid, when I'm through with you, not only will you be acquainted, every man on the Wizengamot. will want to take you home to meet his mother.
HERMIONE:
I was born on a beautiful estate.
MAMA MCGONAGALL
What?
HERMIONE:
Holy shit! I'd never gonna get this straight!
HARRY:
Pipe down and stop swearing. Look, from here on, You'd say nothing worse than "Oh dear". Now try it again.
HERMIONE:
I was born on...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
GINNY:
- Come on... You know what I'm going to do at witness stand? I thought I'd get all teary eyed and ask for your handkerchief. Then I think I'd take a peek at the Wizengamot like this. Flash a bit of the thigh, what do you think?
HARRY:
It sounds great.
GINNY:
Hey, don't you want to hear the rest?
HARRY:
Knock it off. You're on the top of my list.
Well, well, well.
HERMIONE:
Sorry to be late, Mr. Potter. Hope you're not too bored.
HARRY:
I like it. I like it.
GINNY:
Hey, I heard your press conference is tomorrow.
HERMIONE:
Yeah, what is to you?
GINNY:
Well, you wanted my advice, right? Whatever it is, don't forget Harry Potter's number-one client is Harry Potter.
HERMIONE:
Meaning what?
GINNY:
Meaning, don't let him hug the spotlight. You're the one that makes the scene.
######################################################################
HARRY:
Remember, we can only sell them one idea.
HERMIONE:
I can still see him coming at me with that awful look in his eyes.
HARRY:
And?
HERMIONE:
And we... both reached for the wand.
HARRY:
That's right, you both reached for the wand.
Ready?
HERMIONE:
Yeah.
HARRY:
Thank you, gentlemen... Miss Skeeter. My client just entered pleads of not guilty. We look forward to the trial the earliest possible date. Now are there any questions? Miss Skeeter?
RITA SKEETER
As you know, my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for young girls, speaking
on how to avoid the life of Jazz and drink?
HARRY:
Absolutely yes. Mrs. Krum feels that it was the tragic combination of liquor
and Jazz, which lead to the downfall. Next question, please.
HERMIONE:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to say how flattered I am that you all
came to see me.
HARRY:
Mrs. Krum is very...
HERMIONE:
You see, I was a moth... crushed on a wheel. You know, butterfly drawn to
the... I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard.
HARRY:
Shut up, dummy.
LEE JORDAN
Mr. Harry Potter in the press conference rag.
Notice how mouth never moves... almost.
REPORTER:
Where'd you come from?
HARRY:
Sussex County.
REPORTER:
And your parents?
HARRY:
Very wealthy.
REPORTER:
Where are they now?
HARRY:
Six feet under.
But she was granted one more start
The School of Hogwarts.
REPORTER:
When'd you get here?
HARRY:
1990.
REPORTER:
How old were you?
HARRY:
Don't remember
REPORTER:
Then what happened?
HARRY:
I met Viktor
And he stole my heart away
Convinced me to elope one day
RITA SKEETER:
Oh, poor girl, I can't believe what you've been through. A witch girl, a
runaway marriage. Now tell us Hermione:
Who's Ron Weasley?
HARRY:
My ex-boyfriend.
REPORTER:
Why'd you kill him?
HARRY:
I was leavin'.
REPORTER:
Was he angry?
HARRY:
Like a madman
Still I said, Ron, move along.
She knew that she was doing wrong.
REPORTER:
Then describe it.
HARRY:
He came toward me.
REPORTER:
With a wand?
HARRY:
From my bureau.
REPORTER:
Did you fight him?
HARRY:
Like a dragon.
He had strength and she had none.
And yet we both reached for the wand
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both
Oh yes we both
Oh yes, we both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes, we both reached for the wand
ALL:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand,
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand
for the wand.
HARRY:
understandable. understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible. Comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
REPORTER:
How're you feeling?
HARRY:
Very frightened
RITA SKEETER:
Are you sorry?
HERMIONE:
Are you kidding?
REPORTER:
What's your statement?
HARRY:
All I'd say is
Though my choo-choo jumped the track
I'd give my life to bring him back
REPORTERS:
And?
HARRY:
Stay away from
REPORTERS:
What?
HARRY:
Jazz and liquor
REPORTERS:
And?
HARRY:
And the men who
REPORTERS
What?
HARRY:
Play for fun
REPORTERS:
And what?
HARRY:
That's the thought that
REPORTERS
Yeah
HARRY:
Came upon me
REPORTERS:
When?
HARRY:
When we both reached for the wand!
HARRY AND RITA:
Understandable, understandable
Yes, it's perfectly understandable
Comprehensible, comprehensible
Not a bit reprehensible
It's so defensible!
REPORTERS:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
HARRY:
Let me hear it!
REPORTERS:
The wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes, they both reached
For the wand
For the wand
HARRY:
A little louder!
both REPORTERS:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they
Oh yes, they both reached
- Oh, yeah
For the wand, the wand, the wand, the wand
Oh yes. They both reached
For the wand
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand
Oh yes, they both reached for the wand.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both
Oh yes, they both reached for
The wand, the wand, the wand,the wand
HARRY:
Both reached for the...wand