Title: Ham and Cheese
Author: DOKChairman
Time: No particular time frame. Assume everything that has happened up to the second season is fair game.
Disclaimer: I do not own Alias. If you really believe I own Alias, then I have some beach front property to sell you in Utah. No really, I do. Just give me a call at 1-800-333-SUCKER and we'll see about setting you up. Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by whoever's reading this, you know who you are, J. J. Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC (Disney's front for their attempt at world domination) own Alias.
Dedication: To Angela Evans and Jada Lynne. The craziest fans any guy could ever want. Thank you.
Author's Note: My dear, sweet, mentally unbalanced Jada thank you ever so much for my reward. If all my readers rewarded me like that, I'd put out a new chapter of Angel Dark every day. Alas, it is not so. Of course, now that you have set a precedent I will expect stuff like that all the time now. I bet you're regretting your decision now. Hehe. And Angela please make sure you keep Jada under control. I worry that she might be getting just a little too clingy.
I'm glad you guys appreciate my sense of humor. Sadly, very few people I know do. My sense of humor is based almost completely on satire and sarcasm and people always tell me that my sense of humor is too complex for them. I blame Voltaire, Mark Twain, and Mel Brooks for my sarcastic sense of humor. They mastered the art of the satirical word.
I can't wait for Sunday's ep. It's the return of SpyMommy! Yay! I love Lena, she is just hot. Those arms of hers are amazing and that voice, oooo it sends shivers down my spine. I hope SpyMommy and Jack give S/V a hard time for their crazy antics. Especially Jack. I can't wait to see Jack and Vaughn have a little heart to heart, if you know what I mean. Jack will probably give the standard 'if you hurt my daughter I'll kill you' speech, but the great thing with Jack is that he actually means it.
Oh and wren, you should know better than to give me fodder like you did. Bad wren. I mean seriously, putting Sydney and edible in the same sentence? Are you insane? Do you have any idea how many innuendos I can get out of that? Have you learned nothing? I could go for days with that kind of material. And no, I don't think its considered cannibalism. If its wrong, then I don't want to be right baby! Oh yeah.
Chapter 6: Indiana Vaughn and the Temple of Horniness
Vaughn violently shook his head and rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes. He was desperately trying to banish the image in front of him from his mind. He was not seeing Jack dressed up as a clown. He refused to believe that that was what he was seeing. To think otherwise would just be too horrifying.
Vaughn turned to see if Sydney was all right. If he was having a problem accepting Jack, then he could only imagine what was going through her head. Sydney's mouth was slightly agape and her big brown eyes were widened in disbelief. She was frozen in place, staring at Jack in horrified rapture.
Vaughn tentatively put a hand on Sydney's bare shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. Sydney started and turned her head to look at Vaughn. In a desperate tone she begged, "Please tell me that is not my father. My father would never dress as a clown. He doesn't even know how to smile!"
Sydney was starting to get hysterical. Vaughn needed to calm her down before she went loco. So he did the only thing he could think of. He kissed her. A long, deep kiss that instantly stopped Sydney from panicking. Sydney let out a moan of pleasure and Vaughn silently patted himself on the back for being such a spectacular kisser. Oh yeah, he was the man.
They continued kissing for what seemed like hours until Vaughn felt a demanding tapping on his shoulder. Vaughn ignored whoever was being rude and went back to mapping the inside of Sydney's mouth with his tongue.
Again there was a tapping on his shoulder and it was accompanied by someone clearing their throat rather loudly. Vaughn reluctantly pried his lips from Sydney's and turned to face the annoying person with a glare.
When he saw who the person was, he froze in place and his face lost all color. Standing in front of him was Jack with a smile on his face. Of course, the smile never made it to his eyes. No, his eyes were shooting daggers at Vaughn and Vaughn couldn't decide whether he should shit his pants or run, screaming in terror.
Jack spoke directly to Vaughn in a deceptively happy tone, "Well what do we have here? Hmmm, it looks like you were being a very naughty boy."
Vaughn stammered, "Um...um...I c-c-can explain everything." Vaughn then collapsed to the ground in front of Jack and started begging, "Please don't hurt me! I'll never do it again I swear. Just don't hurt me!"
Jack reached out and patted Vaughn's head in a kindly matter. "There, there. Why would I hurt you? I'm just a clown. I don't hurt people, I make people happy. Peace and love for everyone."
Vaughn peeked out from behind his hands. He asked quietly, "You're not going to hurt me?"
Jack laughed deeply. "Don't be silly. Jacko the Smiling Clown would never hurt anybody. Now get off that dirty ground."
Vaughn climbed to his feet and backed away from Jack warily. He still didn't trust Jack not to pull out a gun and shoot him as soon as he turned his back.
When Vaughn was back on his feet, Jack opened his arms wide. "Come and give Jacko a hug."
Vaughn wasn't stupid. He shook his head emphatically. "Uh-uh. I don't think so. I hate clowns. They're like mimes, only ten times more annoying."
Jack's voice hardened and he repeated, "Give Jacko a hug. Now!"
Before Vaughn knew what he was doing, he was already halfway to Jack. Jack enveloped Vaughn in his arms and brought him close to his body. He started squeezing. Jack hissed into Vaughn's ear. "What the hell do you think you're doing touching my daughter?"
Vaughn was speechless. Jack continued, "When we deal with this problem, you and I are going to have a long talk and by the time we're done you'll never want to look at another woman ever again. Least of all my daughter. Now smile and act like you're having a good time." Jack then laughed showily and let go of Vaughn.
Vaughn pasted a smile on his face and laughed hysterically. Jack then reached for one of his balloons and with surprising skill, formed it into a long spherical tube with two little balls attached to it. Jack then poked it sharply and the balloon exploded into tiny pieces. Vaughn understood Jack's message quite clearly. Vaughn scurried away in search of his much less dangerous friend Weiss.
During the exchange between Vaughn and her father, Sydney was still zooming along on the roller coaster of love in SpyHappyland. When Vaughn had kissed her for the second time, she had been surprised, but her surprise quickly changed to pleasure. Vaughn had very talented lips and one hell of a tongue (Well, naturally, he is French after all). She didn't even notice that her father and Vaughn were talking. She was still recovering.
She came out of her stupefied daze at the exact same moment Jack was giving Vaughn his subtle warning. The popping of the balloon brought her back to reality. Sydney almost shouted out dad but then she remembered that there were four armed Quebecers watching them all curiously. Obviously, her father was in disguise for a reason. At least she hoped he was. She would probably be traumatized for life if he wasn't.
Instead she said, "Um...hi."
Jack turned to face her and shot her a disapproving frown, which was quickly replaced with a smile. Jack hiccuped, "Well hello young lady. Would you like a flower?"
A flower? What the hell? Was her father on crack? Sydney floundered. "Uh...sure."
Jack beamed at her and made her a flower out of two of his balloons. It had a green balloon for the stem and a red balloon made up the flower part. When Jack was finished and he gave it to her, she giggled like a little girl. "Thank you..." She trailed off.
Jack finished her sentence for her. "Jacko. I'm Jacko the Smiling Clown."
Sydney giggled again.
Meanwhile, Jean Cirac Paul-Bastiere Guitenau Montclaire Mureau was getting angry. His face had turned a raddish like color and his hair was sticking straight up. Steam was literally wafting from the top of his head. It was quite a humorous picture.
Jean was sick and tired of having people just barge into the middle of his grandiose plan at perpetuating French domination of the world. First, there was those annoying men who could never seem to keep their shirts on, then there was the woman who had fallen through the ceiling, coincidentally showering him in white powder that was causing his body to break out in hives, and now there was some stupid clown. Well he had had enough. He was mad as hell and he wasn't going to take it anymore.
Jean spastically scratched his arms in an attempt to quell the burning sensation over his body. Those damn hives. He gritted his teeth in determination and picked his rifle off the table he had set it on earlier. He stalked over to Jack and Sydney.
He poked Jack in the chest with the end of the gun rather harshly. Unfortunately, he did so right where Jack's special, standard issue water flower was and the flower squirted Jean right in the face. Jean screamed and dropped his gun.
The gun dropped on Jean's foot and he howled in pain. He started jumping on one leg as his hands alternated between grabbing his foot and wiping his face.
Jack used the sudden distraction to go on the offensive. He quickly scooped up the gun that Jean had dropped, pointed it at Jean, and pulled the trigger. Jean grabbed his chest in a humorous pantomime and he collapsed to the floor.
Jack quickly spun around and promptly shot the three remaining Quebecers. All three fell to the ground with fatal wounds. Not a single one of the hostages was hurt. Everyone in the deli stared at Jack in shock. When Jack saw their looks he just shrugged his shoulders. "What? They're only Canadians."
Everyone in the deli started laughing.
Sydney exclaimed, "You did it dad! Great job."
Jack grinned. Vaughn walked up to the two, with Weiss in tow. Vaughn hated to diffuse the happy mood but he felt it was his duty to point out the obvious. "I wouldn't get too excited guys."
Sydney frowned and asked, "Why not?"
"You obviously have not been paying attention lately. Just because you shot them doesn't mean they're dead. A few episodes from now they will show up after magically surviving the attempts on their lives. Haven't you noticed this common trend?" Vaughn explained.
"So what you're saying is that they're not dead?"
Vaughn nodded his head. "Unfortunately, yes." He paused and crouched next to the body of Jean. He pointed his finger at one of the bullet holes. "Look at his shirt. This is no ordinary material. It's a special form of silk that can only be found in the deep jungles of Guatemala. The shirt only appears to have bullet holes so as to confuse its attacker. Its really quite fascinating."
Sydney, Jack, and Weiss all stared at Vaughn and he fidgeted nervously. He asked defensively, "What?"
Weiss was the first to respond. "Dude, are you cracked?"
"What? No! I just happen to know a lot about clothes. Ok? At least one of us has to look good at all times."
Jack asked, "If he's not dead then why isn't he moving?"
That was an easy question to answer. "He's not moving to confuse the viewer. Its actually a fairly common tactic used by God-like tv producers and hack fanfic writers."
Jack responded, "Oh. I didn't know that."
"That's understandable. Most people don't." Vaughn said sympathetically.
"So if they're not dead, how long until they become self-aware again?" Sydney asked hurriedly.
Vaughn shrugged. "Who knows? It all depends on how long this writer decides to drag out this dumbass plot point. Could be seconds, could be minutes, or it could last until the next chapter. There's just no way of knowing."
"Don't you think we should use this opportunity to get the hell out of here?" Weiss asked pragmatically.
"We could, but that would mean the end of the story and there just aren't enough reviews to do that yet, so no. Besides, I have to make out with Sydney at least three times before the end. It's in my contract." Vaughn said.
Jack growled threateningly and Vaughn took an involuntarily step backwards. "Ok, ok. Maybe I could forgo that last part."
"A wise decision Agent Vaughn." Jack snarled.
Sydney, meanwhile, was pissed. "Wait a minute! You only kiss me because it's in your contract?"
Vaughn paled. "That's not what I meant Syd. Um...um...I-"
Weiss laughed and slapped Vaughn on the back. "You're going to have to do better than that. I really think she's starting to get pissed."
"Thanks for stating the obvious Mr. Always interrupts sexually tense situations."
Weiss shrugged his shoulders unapolegetically. "Hey, it's the only thing I do. I provide comic relief and piss off the S/V shipper by always interrupting scenes between you two before they get too hot and heavy. It's a shame that's what I've been relegated to this year, but what are you gonna do?"
Ok, what the hell? It seems that I've gotten a little off track. I don't know what the hell is a matter with me. Here we go, this should make a little more sense.
Vaughn left the stewing Sydney and walked away from the gaggle of CIA agents. Maybe if he gave Sydney some space she would calm down and he could adequately explain what he had meant by that contract comment. It had been pretty stupid to let that slip.
Maybe if he declared his undying love for her she would forgive him. He nodded his head to himself. Yeah, that was what he would do. He would tell Sydney how he felt about her no matter what Jack said.
Really, what could Jack do to him? Its not like he could kill him. That would certainly piss Sydney off. Hmmm, I suppose he could get me fired, but then again, he has to know that I'm the only one that would do anything for Sydney. Nah, he wouldn't do that. Vaughn was really starting to convince himself that defying Jack wasn't that big a deal.
Vaughn sat down in a booth and picked up the brown hat that was lying on the seat. He put the hat on his head and adjusted it until it sat firmly on his head. He folded the two bills on the side upward and pulled the front down a little, shading his eyes.
He narrowed his eyes to focus on Sydney, who was on the other side of the deli, and psyched himself up. He could do this. He had to do this. The fate of the free world depended on him producing super SpyChildren. This was his purpose.
He would cross the abyss. Dodging attacks from crazy Quebecers, angry clowns, and blind Chinese men offering jars of mayo. He would not fail; he could not fail. He would discover the jewel of Sydney's love. He would enter the Temple of Horniness if it killed him.
Vaughn set his jaw and began his quest. But first, he had to get past the old man guarding the bridge.
P.S. Maybe its because I'm a guy, I don't know, but what the hell was wrong with the black one? For me it doesn't really matter, cause I'd like Jennifer in a burlap sack, but since you ladies are a little bit more objective than I am which outfit did you like better? The black or the red one? I thought the black get up was great; black is definitely a good color for JG.
P.S. And what the hell is up with J. J. and the number 47? I mean we have Page 47, Server 47, and in Double Agent, Lennox was on sublevel 47. Is he like obsessed with the number or something, or does it actually have a purpose. I just thought it was weird.