Title: Ham and Cheese

Author: DOKChairman

Time: No particular time frame. Assume everything that has happened up to the second season is fair game.

Disclaimer: I do not own Alias. If you really believe I own Alias, then I have some beach front property to sell you in Utah. No really, I do. Just give me a call at 1-800-333-SUCKER and we'll see about setting you up. Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by whoever's reading this, you know who you are, J. J. Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC (Disney's front for their attempt at world domination) own Alias.


Dedication: To Angela and Jada. The craziest fans any guy could ever want. Thank you. I write this story for you.


A/N: Once again, I must start with you Edele. In order to maintain an amicable relationship between the two of us, we must agree to disagree. You don't like Vaughn and I don't like Sark, well I do but I like him in a strictly evil capacity only. However, since you are a loyal reader and since I like you, I've decided to give you something special. How would you like Sark to make an appearance? There will be no S/S of course, but I'm sure I could come up with something interesting. How does Sark the Pimp sound to you? Of course, that would be his official title.

Hey Laura, if I'm your hero, then your mine. Seriously, the end of your review put such naughty images in my head that I don't know how to repay you. A threesome with Sydney would be just about the greatest thing in the world and I think I might be able to work you in there some way. That is if I decide to go that route. And I must say, you are a very bad girl. Typing with only one hand? Tsk-tsk. Sounds like you have a masticating problem of your own.

I don't know wren, I might be able to bring in Marshall. Hell, I might as well. I promised to bring in Sark so why not Marshall? While I'm at it, let me just throw the floor open for suggestions. It will make this story so much harder to write but it could be fun. If you or anyone else has any character they would like me to introduce, just make a request and I'll see what I can do.

Now its time for my favorite girls (with the exception of my girlfriend of course. Oh, and my mother. Can't forget mom.). Angela, I want to say that I feel bad for you, but if you're having so much trouble holding your soda in while reading my story, you should STOP DRINKING SODA! Hehe. I kid, I kid. You know I love you. *Gets down on knees and begs* Please don't team up on me with Jada. You're supposed to be the good one and I need you on my side. Please don't go to the dark side!!! And Spaceballs is just about the funniest movie ever! "That is his name, Sir. Asshole, Major Asshole."

Jada, the idea of you naming your first born child after one of my characters is so appealing that how can I not include the Killer Rabbit? Personally, I think the Holy Hand Grenade scene is the funniest scene in the whole movie. I love that scene. And don't worry everybody, there will be lots more Monty Python where that came from.

Chapter 8: Jacko the Smiling Clown's dastardly plan for Indiana Vaughn



"Don't you find it weird that I have such big hands? And feet?"

Weiss paused before answering. He was treading on some very dangerous ground. "I wouldn't say that they were big, just unusually large."

Sydney lifted her hand up so that she could better look at. "Really? Because they just seem so damn big to me. Freakish even."

"Nah. I wouldn't go that far. They're fine Sydney. Sure you have feet bigger than most men and sure your hands are big enough to fit a man's head in your palm, but really, does any of that matter in the grand scheme of things?"

Sydney didn't seem entirely too convinced by Weiss's words but she shrugged her shoulders all the same. She said reluctantly, "I guess not. You don't think Vaughn will find me repulsive because of my freakishly large extremities?"

Weiss laughed long and hard. "Oh, Sydney. You don't have to worry about that. Trust me when I say that your hands and your feet are the last thing on Vaughn's mind when he looks at you. You're perfect Sydney and that's how Vaughn sees you."

Sydney smiled brightly. She reached across the table and gave Weiss a quick hug. "Thanks Weiss."

Weiss grinned. "No problem Syd." Weiss stopped and then looked around the deli. "Speaking of which, where the hell is Vaughn?"

Sydney shook her head. "I don't know. The last time I saw him he was running for his life after that stupid contract comment he made."

"Oh, right. I'd forgotten about that." Weiss grinned and then laughed. "I know Vaughn and if he thinks you're still mad at him it'll probably be awhile before we see him again."

Sydney frowned. "I can't believe he said that to me. Doesn't he know how much he means to me? How can he only want to kiss me because its something he is forced to do?"

Weiss had no answers. "No idea Syd, but I wouldn't worry. Vaughn likes you. Of that you should never doubt." Weiss then gave her arm a friendly squeeze.

He stood up and said, "I hate to leave you like this Syd but Connie is giving me the wave over and I'm not the one to pass up opportunities. I'm sure everything will be fine between you and Mike."

Sydney smiled faintly up at Weiss and watched him walk away. When Weiss was gone she sighed and lowered her and rested it on the cool plastic table. God, why did her life suck so much?



Of course, as everyone knows, Sydney did not possess a monopoly on suckiness. Unfortunately, everyone's life sucked. It was just a fact of nature.

Case in point. Do you think being accosted by three crazed, possibly gay, French-Canadian Quebecers was conducive to spreading good cheer? No, I didn't think so. Unfortunately for Michael Vaughn (He's only Indiana Vaughn when he is in SpyFantasyland. Come on, I have to maintain some semblance of continuity), this was a fact he was learning all to well.

As soon as he had set foot back inside the deli, he had been tackled to the ground and piled upon by a swarm of angry Canadians. And believe me, if you've never been attacked by a swarm of angry Canadians, you've never known true fear. The way they attack you politely and constantly utter the word 'eh' is enough to make even the most ardent Frenchman run in blind cowardice. Fucking Canadians.

The Quebecers soon had Vaughn splayed on his knees, arms held tightly behind his back. Vaughn struggled valiantly but it was too no avail. "What the hell is wrong with you people? Let me go!"

Jean Cirac Paul-Bastiere Guitenau Montclaire Mureau smacked Vaughn upside the head. He yelled, "Shut up you!"

Vaughn did not stop struggling. If anything he struggled more violently and the two Quebecers holding him in place could barely hold on. "You can't do this to me! I'm an officer of the CIA and a damn sexy man. You're totally ruining my image, you know that right? Its like I'm in some twisted S&M gay porn film. Let me go!!!!"

Jean just motioned with his right hand and one of the Quebecers kneed Vaughn in the back. Vaughn groaned and went slack. He was finally under control.

That was when the mastermind behind the whole plan finally made his appearance. Jack pranced up towards the group gaily and rubbed his hands together in unabashed glee. Evilly happy, Jack said, "Ah, now Mr. Vaughn you will learn the consequences for touching my daughter."

Vaughn raised his head and said defiantly, "Do you expect me to apologize?"

Jack grinned, his red mouth clashing against his pale white face garishly. "No Mr. Vaughn, I expect you to die."

Jack motioned with his head and Jean grabbed a chunk of Vaughn's hair painfully. Jean pulled Vaughn's head upright and placed his gun against the back of Vaughn's head.

"Now if you will allow me to unnecessarily and melodramatically count to three, we can get this over with. 1...2..."

Jack never finished his count as a loud yell came out from somewhere in the deli. To Vaughn's total relief Sydney came running forward. Vaughn briefly flashbacked to his Baywatch viewing years as Sydney came juggling towards him. It was almost enough to make a guy forget that there was a gun poking into his neck. Well, at least he hoped it was a gun...

Sydney yelled angrily, "Dad, what the Hell is going on here!?"

Jack faced Sydney with an innocent, almost childlike look upon his face. "Jacko doesn't know what the nice girl is talking about. Would the pretty girl like a balloon? Perhaps a little pony?"

Sydney swatted Jack out of her way. She gave him a 'look' and then violently attacked the Quebecers holding Vaughn captive. First, she did some kind of gravity defying spin kick that knocked Jean to the ground. Jean moaned and rolled along the ground like some beached whale without the fins, although it was debatable on whether or not he had a blowhole. Next, Sydney launched herself at the Quebecer on Vaughn's right. However, the Quebecer, seeing the imminent danger he was in, embraced his French heritage and took off running.

That just left the man on Vaughn's left. Vaughn promptly took care of him by extending his right leg backward and kicking the Quebecer in the shin. The man howled and let go of Vaughn's arm. He hobbled away from Sydney, Vaughn, and Jack, and collapsed into a booth.

Vaughn, now free, stood up and glared at Jack. Sydney also glared at Jack and she wrapped a protective arm around Vaughn's waist. Sydney seethed, "What the hell did you think you were doing dad?"

Jack, seeing the fact that the jig was up (By the way, did you know that jig is an actual word? Imagine my surprise when I saw it in my dictionary with not one but two separate definitions. The English language is freaking amazing.), sulkily replied, "He was touching you. In non-handler type ways. What kind of father would I be if I didn't eliminate any and all potential boyfriends?"

Sydney replied sardonically, "I don't know. Maybe one that hasn't COMPLETELY LOST HIS FREAKING MIND!!!"

Sydney calmed down and then quickly added, "And Vaughn is not my boyfriend."

Vaughn turned to Sydney asked somewhat hurt, "I'm not?"

Sydney turned her head to look at Vaughn. "No, and you never will be. At least not until you apologize for that stupid comment you made earlier."

Vaughn groaned in frustration. "Ah, come on! I'm a guy. You can't expect me to say the right thing all the time. It's in our nature to screw up."

Sydney jutted her chin out and said haughtily, "And I'm a woman and its in our nature to withhold the post-fight makeup sex until you apologize."

Vaughn startled and then raised an eyebrow. "Whoa there Syd. Gettin' a little ahead of yourself there aren't you. Who said anything about sex?"

Sydney's eyes grew smoky and she moved closer to Vaughn until she was plastered to his side. She whispered sexily in his ear, "Well if you had continued kissing me like you were earlier, I probably would have ended up ripping off all your clothes and gave you the ride of your life right there in the middle of the deli."

Vaughn's mouth went dry and he suddenly lost all ability to speak. His brain stopped functioning properly; the only thought able to form being: Naked Sydney! Naked Sydney! (And honestly, can you blame the guy? Who hasn't pictured Sydney naked?). That mental picture consumed all of his higher brain functions, not to mention some of his lower ones as well.

Jack, meanwhile, was growing increasingly disgusted by the adolescent behavior being displayed in front of him. He cleared his throat loudly and both Sydney and Vaughn rapidly broke apart, looking embarrassed.

Jack glared at them. "You two do realize that I'm standing right here don't you?"

Sydney smiled sweetly. "Ah, daddy, I'm sorry but it's so hard to resist him. Especially when he's not wearing a shirt."

Jack growled, "That is the last thing I needed to know."

Both Sydney and Vaughn ignored Jack, they were too busy trying to see who had the more perfect teeth. Don't ask, its not exactly something I want to explain right now. Suffice it to say, from an oral hygiene perspective, they were fah-bulous!

Jack threw his arms up in disgust. "Obviously, you've both gone completely insane. I'm going to find Agent Weiss and tell him that the woman he's been talking to has a little more going for her under the hood than he thinks."


Vaughn reluctantly broke away from Sydney lips. He winced at the very disappointed look on her face and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry Syd, but I have to go."

Sydney cried out, "But why? Stay here!" She desperately needed more Vaughn kissage. It was strangely addicting. Not to mention the fact that it is a staple of every fanfic out there to make Vaughn into the God of Sex, Love, and Manliness. Who am I to go against conventional wisdom?

Vaughn shook his head sadly. "I have to Syd. I have a quest to complete. There is a jar of a gooey white substance I must find."

Sydney looked confused. "Wait, I don't understand. I thought the whole point of this quest was to get me to forgive you? I've forgiven you, so you don't have to go." Sydney finished very pleased with herself.

A look of confusion crossed Vaughn's face as well. "You know what? You're right. Why the hell do I have to continue this stupid quest."

Suddenly a loud booming voice came out of nowhere, "You have to do it because I tell you to damnit. Now get cracking before I turn Jean into your new lover."

Horror crossed both Sydney and Vaughn's face and Vaughn squealed, "Ok! I'll do what you want. Just don't turn me gay!" Vaughn paused and then added as an afterthought, "Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just happen to like interlocking parts, that's all."

The loud booming voice snickered. "Interlocking parts, hehe."

Vaughn rolled his eyes. Under his breath he said, "God, what a fucking moron."

The loud booming voice yelled indignantly, "Hey! I heard that! For that, I'm giving Sydney her shirt back. How do you like them apples?"

Vaughn yelled, "Nooooooo! You bastard!" He fell to his knees and begged, "I'll do it. I'll do it. For the love of all that is holy please don't give her back her shirt."

The loud booming voice contemplated Vaughn's impassioned plea. "Fine. But you know what will happen if you don't do what I say, so move that ass of yours and find yourself some cream."

Vaughn scrambled to his feet and hugged Sydney. "I'm really sorry Syd, but I have to do this. I have to do this for every man out there that has ever wanted to see you without a shirt on. I'm doing this for the people Sydney." Vaughn then leaned down and kissed Sydney briefly on the lips. "For luck."

Then Vaughn turned around, placed his hat on his head, adjusted his whip, and set off through the jungle. Somewhere, there was a giant jar of mayo just waiting to be found. And Indiana Vaughn was just the man to find it.


Back in the deli, Jack saw Vaughn set out into the forest, leaving behind a saddened and dazed Sydney. Jack smiled evilly to himself. Everything was going according to plan.




Things to look forward to in the next chapter: Vaughn continues his quest to find the Lost Jar of Mayo, Sark the Pimp makes his grand entrance, Jack explains to Weiss that yes, medical science really is that advanced, and Sydney just sits around looking pretty. Oh, and then she kicks some French-Canadian ass.

P.S. The funniest thing happened to me the other day. I was in my PolSci International Relations class and the prof started talking about Quebec and its independence movement. God, I literally almost fell out of my seat laughing. I don't really know why, but it was just so funny that we were talking about something so seriously when all I do is make fun of the whole thing in this story. Which wasn't a good thing. When you're talking about Iraq, North Korea, and the imminence of war, and a guy starts cracking up at the mention of just the word Quebec, I'm sure it makes you really start to question the sanity of the human race. I guess you just had to be there.