Title: Ham and Cheese

Author: DOKChairman

Time: No particular time frame. Assume everything that has happened up to the second season is fair game.

Disclaimer: I do not own Alias. If you really believe I own Alias, then I have some beach front property to sell you in Utah. No really, I do. Just give me a call at 1-800-333-SUCKER and we'll see about setting you up. Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by whoever's reading this, you know who you are, J. J. Abrams, Bad Robot Productions, and ABC (Disney's front for their attempt at world domination) own Alias.


Author's Note: There were some things that I had promised would be included in this chapter, but unfortunately, these were not meant to be. The muse refused to help me think of a way to do this chapter any other way but this one. However, those events will still come about. I hope to have the big fight scene between Vaughn and Sark included in Chapter 11. I thank you all for your patience. Hopefully, the wait will not be as long for the next chapter.


Dedication: To the girls: Vicky, Jo, Jeanne, Cat, Jess, Lil, and Becks. All of you provide the fuel to this insanity. Oh, and to everyone in the SVR Enforcers; the only people on this planet who may be more insane than I am.



Chapter 10: Rockin' Vibrations



Vaughn turned around to make his way out of the temple, when to his utter surprise he came face to face with a man dressed in a tuxedo and holding a really small gun. With the surprise evident in his voice, Vaughn asked, "Who the hell are you?"

In an overly exaggerated British accent, the man replied, "My name is Flinkman. Marshall Flinkman. And I believe you have something I need, Mr. Vaughn."

Vaughn stared hard at the shorter man and grasped his bag tightly in his hands. He gritted out between his teeth, "I don't think so. Do you have any idea of the lengths I had to go to get this thing? Do you?"

Marshall replied cooly, "No, I don't, and frankly I don't care. Hand the jar over to me now, Mr. Vaughn. Or I will take it from you."

Vaughn straightened up abruptly and smiled wide at the serious man in front of him. He started moving closer to Marshall and said in a friendly tone, "Hey, look, I'm a man, you're a man, we're both men." Vaughn cautiously approached Marshall and wrapped his arm around his shoulders. Vaughn looked down at the top of Marshall's square head and said conversationally, "And since we're both men, we should be able to settle this disagreement in an orderly and non-violent matter. Like men. Don't you agree?"

Marshall's cool demeanor cracked slightly and he began to warm up to Vaughn's friendly tone. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I suppose. What do you suggest?"

Vaughn started moving towards the pedestal that had just a few minutes ago contained the Lost Jar of Mayo. He dragged Marshall along with him. "Well, I'm sure we could work out some kind of arrangement. I could get the jar on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. You could get the jar Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. And we could alternate Sundays. That way we both get to experience the potent powers of the mayo. How does that sound?"

Marshall nodded his head and said contemplatively, "It has potential. But I was kinda hoping to keep it for myself. You see I have this great quest that I must complete, and I need the Lost Jar of Mayo to do so."

Vaughn stiffened slightly at the mention of the word quest. Hesitantly he asked, "Quest? Not the quest for the Temple of Horniness?"

Marshall shook his head in the negative. "Oh no. Quite the opposite actually. I must complete this quest in order to safely secure the Potion of Useless Ramblings."

Vaughn was confused, "Potion of Useless Ramblings? What the hell is that?"

"Oh it's quite fascinating actually. You see, the potion gives whoever drinks it the ability to speak endlessly on completely random and inane topics. I have been searching for this potion all my life. It is the Holy Grail of geeky tech guys everywhere. Once I possess it, I will be able to declare my dominion over geeks everywhere and become their king."

Vaughn stared at the diminutive man in awe. He had said that entire speech in one breath. Amazing. Vaughn commented, "If you ask me, you seem to already be skilled in the art of Ramblings."

Marshall smiled at what he perceived to be a compliment. "Oh thank you! I have been practicing. It is my belief that with my naturally occurring abilities, the potion will augment them just enough to give me the edge I need."

Vaughn nodded his head dumbly and said, "Oh."

"So, you see our predicament? I really must have that jar."

Vaughn moved away from Marshall warily. "And I need the jar as well." Vaughn paused and then said contemplatively, "How are we going to solve this impasse?"



"Aw, come on, Sydney! How much bling bling is it gonna take for you to come work for me? I'll give you whatever you ask for! I've got bling bling up the hizzle."

Sydney yelled angrily, "No, Sark! Get it through that head of yours that I'm not interested!"

Sark was in denial. "You don't really mean that. I just haven't offered the right incentive yet. Everybody succumbs to my pimptasticness sooner or later. You're no different."

Sydney groaned and threw her hands up into the air in disgust. She began to walk away, but Sark stopped her with his cane. Sydney slowly turned her head to fix Sark with a heated glare and Sark merely grinned in response. Sydney growled out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Sark's face brightened and he said enthusiastically, "I've got it! I know exactly what to offer you." And then Sark began to divulge his offer.



"You're not pumping it right!"

"What do you mean I'm not pumping it right? The caulk looks perfectly fine."

"No, you don't understand proper pumping technique. You have to move your hand in smooth strokes. Like this..."

"Ah! I see. I've never seen it shoot out like that before."

"Of course not. That's because you've never pumped the gun the right way. It also helps if you add a little twist at the end. Helps the release."

"You mean like this?"

"Yeah! That's perfect. Feels good doesn't it? Knowing you did a good job."

"No kidding. I had no idea something like this could be so entertaining."

"Not many people do. Caulking is an art form, and one has to be a master caulker before one can truly understand the power of caulk."

"I'm just worried I'll get the caulk all over my stuff. The caulk gets all over your hands, and your clothes, and all sorts of other stuff. Then it leaves a white stain."

"Give it time. Pretty soon, you won't even bat an eye when you whip out the gun and start pumping."

"I hope so."

"Just remember, that this whole area has to be sealed and ready for the big fight scene at the end of the next chapter, so you need to speed up a bit. I'll go find someone else to help you man the caulk."

Nameless Quebecer #1 patted Nameless Quebecer #2 on the back and left him to his work, searching for another caulker. It would take a while before all those tiles were in place and his fellow Quebecer could use the help. Meanwhile, Nameless Quebecer #2 resumed his pumping of his gun, releasing caulk all over the floor.



"Ugh!" Sydney grunted in pleasure. She moaned, "Oh! Oh! Oh god yes! More! Give me more, Sark! I need more! Uggggggghhhh!"

Sark was breathless, "Hold on, I'm almost there. Just a little bit more....there!" Sark grunted and let out a violent explosion of air.

Sark slumped and leaned against the edge of the counter, while Sydney tried to recover from the intense pleasure she had just received. Sydney turned her head to face Sark and said, "Oh my god, Sark, that was the best chocolate cake I have ever eaten! Where did you learn to cook like that?"

Sark held up a hand, giving Sydney pause, as he recovered his breath. It wasn't easy making two whole cakes in only a few minutes. The man needed to rest and recuperate. Sark finally began to answer Sydney's question between gasping breaths, "Before...I became...an internationally...known pimp, I went...to culninary school in...Paris."

Sydney asked around the huge mouthful of chocolate cake in her mouth, "Really? I had no idea." Sydney then swallowed and took another huge sporkful out of the cake Sark had just only moments ago set before her. The cake was still almost oven hot.

Sark nodded his head in understanding and said, "That's understandable. Most people only see the fur coat, the cane, and the bling bling and refuse to see me as a person. They only judge me by what they see on the outside. I'm really just totally mizunderstood."

Sydney bobbed her head in agreement. She said apologetically, "I'm sorry that I was one of those people, Sark." Sydney then put her spork down and walked up to pull Sark into a hug.

Sark for his part, started to sniffle and cry. He wailed into Sydney's shoulder, "I just want people to like me, that's all! Why won't they love me? Why!?!?!?!"

Sydney patted Sark on the back and rubbed smooth, comforting circles into his back. She cooed into his ear, "It's okay, Sark, let it all out. I'm here for you."

Sark, meanwhile, had reduced his wail down to a small whimper. Unbeknownst to Sydney, Sark's hands were slowly sliding down her back, slowly inching down to her leather clad ass. Sydney was so concerned with comforting Sark, that she never realized what Sark was doing until it was too late. All she could do was shriek in sudden surprise.



"Paper! I win!" Vaughn shouted triumphantly.

Marshall stared at his closed fist in confusion and then looked up at Vaughn's glowering face. "Hold on a minute! How...how...does paper beat rock? It's a rock!!!"

Vaughn's excited expression changed to a frown and he sighed, "Do I have to explain the rules to you again? We've already been over this. Extensively."

Marshall shook his head. He said, "No, I understand the rules, but who made these rules up anyway? They're preposterous!" Marshall paused and then contemplated, "You know what this game needs? Some dice! Yeah! Some 12 sided dice, and playing cards! We could even get a nice board, with figurines, and...and...and I could be a dwarf! What do you think?"

Vaughn's face was aghast in unmitigated horror. He stuttered, "Y-y-you're s-s-serious, aren't...you?

Marshall smiled brightly. "Of course I am! Ooooo, and you could be a fairy!"

Vaughn squealed (coincendentally, like a fairy squeals) and shouted emphatically, "Nooooooo!"

Marshall frowned, "No? But why not?"

"Cause I don't wanna be a fairy," Vaughn whined. He then said a bit more enthusiastically, "I wanna be a dragonslayer! Yeah, a dragonslayer! They get all the chicks."

"Hmmm...maybe. But, there is still the matter of who gets the jar. I say that game was unfair."

Vaughn muttered, "Can't believe he's never played rock-paper-scissors before. For the love of Mike!" He then realized that Marshall was staring at him and said, "Well, ummm..." He looked around the temple chamber and then back at Marshall and then down to the bag hanging off his chest. He then looked back up to Marshall and said, "Umm...umm...yoink!"

Vaughn then pushed Marshall, who he had subtley moved ever closer to the pedestal that had formerly held the Lost Jar of Mayo, into the large stone pedestal, knocking the Generic Jar of Pickles off the pedestal and onto the ground (was that sentence as confusing for you to read as it was for me to write?). Vaughn quickly spun around and began to run towards the entrance of the chamber, the whole temple shaking and rumbling as he did so.

Vaughn reached the stone floor and just ran through, dodging the whizzing sporks as they flew out of their holes in the chamber walls. It was very Matrixesque if I do say so myself. Finally, Vaughn reached the end of the stone chamber floor and ran out of the chamber itself. He breezed through the cobwebs and creepy crawling things all along the path to freedom. That is, until he heard a rumbling from up above. It almost sounded like a giant boulder was rushing towards him...

Vaughn stopped running and looked up incredulously. He shouted, "Oh for crying out loud! Can we please make this sequence even more cliched?"

A booming voice answered from the hole in the ceiling that Vaughn was looking into. His voice echoed down, "Of course! Hold on, give me a minute." There were some sounds of metal clanging against metal, a subdued curse word here and there, and then finally, loud music, very similar to the Indiana Jones theme, began to play.

Vaughn grinned wide and yelled up into the hole, "Thanks!" He then straightened the brim of his hat and grasped his whip tightly as he continued running out of the still collapsing temple.

Vaughn came to a giant hole in the floor, and not breaking his stride, swung out with the whip and wrapped it on a beam on the other side of the hole. He jumped across the chasm and swung across, landing firmly on the other side. He unfurled his whip from the beam and turned around to watch the giant stone boulder that had been chasing him fall into the large hole he had just swung across. I tell you, that Vaughn was one hell of a swinger.

Vaughn let out a half-snort of interested amusement and spun on his heel away from the hole. He walked the remaining distance to the exit and finally stepped outside the almost completely demolished Temple of Lost Jars and Not Quite as Horny Secret Agents. Vaughn just shook his head and began to walk down the path that led back to the Secret Agents who say Ni!.

Vaughn had walked about 20 feet down the path when he suddenly started. Standing, leaning against a large tree, with his tuxedo jacket hanging off one shoulder, was Marshall Flinkman. Vaughn froze and his jaw dropped in awe. He began making wild hand gestures, pointing to Marshall and the direction he had just come from. Vaughn gasped, "What the? Huh? How the...?" Vaughn paused and gathered his wits about him and continued more calmly, "How the hell did you make it out of there?"

Marshall just shrugged his shoulders and said simply, "I walked out the door."

Vaughn asked confused, "Door? What door? There was no door!"

"Sure there was. Near the back, with a sign with large green letters that said 'EXIT' above it. You didn't see it?"

Vaughn shook his head dumbly and tried to wrap his mind around what Marshall was saying. "But why would there be a door there? Unless..." Vaughn shook his head, refusing to believe what he was thinking. "Nah. Couldn't be. Could it?"

Marshall only uttered one word, "Yep." Sudden fear overcame Vaughn and his face paled.

Vaughn was panicking, "I didn't know what it was! How was I supposed to know what was going to happen? I didn't know the whole place would be destroyed!"

Marshall walked up to Vaughn and patted him on the back. "There, there. I know you didn't mean to, but dude, Eisner is so going to have your ass for destroying his favorite ride."