How to Bag a Potions Master

by Sarsa

"Did I hear you say there is a giant psychotic bat-like troll that is foaming at the mouth following you. Well now Hermione, one can often mistake Severus for that kind of monster, but he is rather harmless. Sort of like a fuzzy bunny with pointed teeth

4. Step Four

Step Four: Mix in Some Chaos

Snape had been miserable for the rest of that week. Hermione remembered one of her encounters with the cranky Potions Master as she sipped at her tea.

*~*~* Flashback *~*~*

Hermione had been on a walk after brunch, that lovely Sunday afternoon, with Crookshanks at her side. The summer heat was slowly disappearing and she had donned for a knee length sliver skirt with a green off the shoulder top covered by a black thin black cape. She had put a green collar on Crookshanks with a bell on it. "Aren't we looking like Slytherin fan today 'shanks' she told the cat. The hallways of the school were calm and there was no sight of anyone around. Snape had been dressed in his new attire for almost a week now. Since she had been warned to avoid him from Minerva, she had her cat accompany her on her walks. She smirked at the thought of seeing Snape again in his clashing ensemble.

"Granger!" Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted.

She turned around, allowing her cape to open more and reveal her outfit. "Well, good afternoon Snape. You look very nice today." she smiled.

"That is Professor Snape to you, and I'm on to you!" He produced one of his fathomless death glares causing Crookshanks to hiss at him.

Her smile faded. "Well if you insist on calling me Granger, then I only think it is fair for me to call you Snape. Unless of course we can start calling each other's given name because we are after all equals now."

"You will call me Professor Snape as it is my title as a Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House." He answered coldly.

"Well forgive me your majesty, but obviously you have not been paying attention at the last staff meeting oh great one. I am going to be the 'Temporary Head of Gryffindor House' when Minerva leaves after Halloween. " When Snape did not answer she continued. " So have you found out who cast that horrible spell on you?"

He sneered at her then grunted. " When I find out who did it, I will be stringing their insides around the dungeons and use them as a lab rat for the rest of their life." His eyes narrowed and his lips sneered even more.

// Is that even possible? // "Well uh, professor Snape, you shouldn't do that to your face, it might stick that way." She laughed at him. Neither of them spoke or moved until they heard a strange noise. It was very odd, like water hitting something. They both looked down at the same time to see Crookshanks urinating on Snape's left leg. When the cat had finished his business he walked back to Hermione and rubbed against her.

"I'm going to kill that cat!" Snape yelled as he received his first whiff of ode de Crookshanks.

"Snape calm down. You scared him that's all. It's not his fault that you come off as a mean old thing." She then lowered herself to her knees. " Poor Crookshanks, did colorfully clashing Professor Snape scare you?"

"You can't protect that mongrel, Granger! I'll kill you both if I have to!"

She stood up and smiled. "Then you'll have to catch me," she said as she broke off into a sprint. // Thank goodness I choose the flat shoes instead of the high heals. Oh no the skirt, he's going to catch up. Run 'mione run! // She whipped her head to glance back and saw that he was right on her tail. // Think! Fast! // " Help! Giant bat-like troll coming from the dungeons! Look out, it's psychotic and foaming at the mouth!"

She turned left when she saw Dumbledore emerging from a room. "Albus! Help!" she ran past him and ducted behind him.

"Did I hear you say there is a giant psychotic bat-like troll that is foaming at the mouth following you. Oh wait, there it is." Snape slowed to a stop in front of the Headmaster. "Well now Hermione, one can often mistake Severus for that kind of monster, but he is rather harmless. Sort of like a fuzzy bunny with pointed teeth."

"Albus move out of my way. That cat has seen it's last day."

"Now really Severus, it's just a cat. He really did not mean to uh…do that to you." Hermione spoke from behind Dumbledore.

*~*~* End of Flashback *~*~*

// Boy he was very angry. I still haven't thanked Crookshanks for doing that. // She smiled and continued on with her breakfast.

* * *

The Students had begun to arrive soon after Snape's unfortunate colour change in his wardrobe. He was now back to the regular black and was extremely moody. Two third years received four months detention for smiling at him. The tension whenever Snape enter a room was so thick that it could be cut with a knife.

Hermione knew that soon she should decimate Snape's classroom. // But how am I going to get in there? Batman's been watching me like a hawk. // She thought whilst pacing in her empty classroom.

"Professor Granger?" a childish voice interrupted her thoughts. Hermione looked down to see a red headed first year student standing before her.

"Oh, Miss Weasley, what can I do for you?" Hermione smiled at Percy and Penelope's first child.

"Well Professor I was wondering if you could help me with my Potions essay. Professor Snape is terrible and I want to make sure I have everything right before he reads it." The young girl pulled out a long roll of parchment.

"You are your father's daughter Patricia. Alright lets have a look." Hermione began to read the essay and was quite amused by it. "Everything looks in order, very well done too might I add. You have nothing to fear except Professor Snape's bad temper. Just don't smile at him." Hermione winked as she spoke.

"Thank you Professor, thank you so much." The little girl grabbed her essay and trotted toward the door.

// Snape is collecting essays tomorrow then. So that means that he won't be doing a lab working class. He will be too busy reading them out loud and insulting students to notice me blowing up his…perfect. // She smiled. "Wait, Miss Weasley. May I ask you a question?"

The little girl whirled around tossing her red locks behind her. "Yes Professor Granger?"

"Miss Weasley, what time do you have potions tomorrow if I may ask?"

"First thing after breakfast Professor. Why?"

"I have some business to attend to tomorrow concerning Professor Snape. Would you stop by here before you head to the dungeons?"

"Yes Professor. See you in the morning Professor." With that the girl left in a mad dash out the door.

//Jeez, I did not think I was that scary. // Hermione thoughts drifted away on her plot against Snape. // Oh Severus, why can't we just get along and you ask me out for dinner? // A sigh escaped her lips.

"I hope I'm not invading your thinking space Dear." Minerva stepped into the chilled DADA classroom.

"Not at all Minerva. Actually I was just thinking about "the plot" and how I am going to pull it off in the morning." Hermione walked over to the older Professor. " I have a thought on how to do it."

"Care to elaborate on that child whilst we walk. I have some Head of House business to tend to. As you are in training, I thought it would be best if you came along and do your first set of in bed checks afterwards." McGonagall gestured towards the door. Hermione followed her and soon found herself out the classroom door following Minerva. Hermione spat out her plan for tomorrow evening as they walked to the staff room. "Absolutely brilliant! You'll be out of there before he can figure out that the spells used are complicated for any first year to pull off. I can only imagine the look on his face. You must get a pensive Hermione, that way you can record all your plots against Snnn…uh…um…" Minerva started to stutter.

Hermione gave her a confused look and then saw why. Snape was standing in front of them with his arms crossed and a death glare pasted on his pale face. "Plots against who Minerva?" His voice seemed low but deadly.

"Against Snuggles Severus. We are trying to get him a girlfriend. Poor old chap is all lonely and depressed, but he is too stubborn to admit that he wants female company. " // Nice recovery. // Hermione mentally thanked herself.

Snape looked disgusted. He grunted before turning on his heal and leaving the two gossiping women alone in the room.

"That was a close one." Minerva added.

Hermione took a seat by the windows and gazed out of them. " I only hope this plan works alright tomorrow. You will remember to be in my classroom to meet Miss Weasley after breakfast right?"

"I would not miss this for all the Galleons in Gringotts," Minerva said in a whisper before the meeting commenced.

* * *

// Don't back out, don't get scared. No one will ever notice that you were there. Go away Mr. cold feet. // Hermione was pacing around her rooms. She was so nervous that she ignored the fresh fruit platter sitting on her desk. Minerva had told the staff that Hermione had come down with a slight case of nausea, which was slightly true. Little did anyone know was the reason why she was nauseated was because of what she was about to do.

// Poor Severus. It is not his fault that I am attracted to him. If he weren't such a prick this would be a whole lot easier. Then again, I like that about him. // She grinned wickedly. " Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's going to bag a potions master at all?" Her voice broke the silence in her rooms and her nervousness began to deplete.

" Why on earth would any sane woman want to bag that old crotchety fart is beyond me." The reflection replied and Hermione frowned. " Oh alright, I'll play along. You are Mistress."

Hermione's smile grew and she jumped in front of her reflection. Just then Minerva walked into the room. Hermione looked at her and smiled then turned to the cat lounging on the sofa near by. " Well I guess its time to go. Crookshanks sweetie, wish me luck!" With that Hermione withdrew her wand and muttered a spell that shrunk her to the size of the fabled Thumbelina.

Minerva slowly lowered herself to the floor then gently placed her hand near Hermione for the now tiny witch to step on. When Hermione was safely on Minerva's palm, Minerva raised up off the floor and walked to the DADA classroom.

"Here we are. All you have to do is climb into the box. I have cast an invisibility spell on the box. When you are in it, Severus will not be able to see you." Minerva opened the silver weave box and gently placed Hermione inside of it.

"Are you sure he's going to buy this? I mean, you can see right through this box, what if he sees me?" Hermione's voice said in but a whisper compared to its normal volume.

"How do you kids say it? "Chill Out" Hermione. Your plan is foolproof and so is that box. Just remember to cast a muting spell to the box and you will be fine. Severus won't suspect a thing. Now hush up before Miss Weasley arrives."

A soft knock came from the door. Hermione ducked down into the box and Minerva closed the lid and sternly spoke, " Come in."

The tiny girl nervously entered the room. Her hair was thrown back out of her face and her eyes grew with surprise when she spotted Professor McGonagall instead of Professor Granger.

"P...P…professor McGonagall? What a…a…are you doing h…h…here?" the child stuttered out.

"Professor Granger is slightly ill. As you know she is deputy head of Gryffindor, and had some errands to do concerning Professor Snape. She has informed me that you have class with him this morning. I must ask you to take this item to him, it is not important, but a pensive to record his classroom management. If you have any problems with him, just tell him it is the Head Master's orders. Thank you Miss Weasley, you may leave now." As Professor McGonagall finished her little speech, she handed the child the silver box containing the now invisible Professor Granger.

* * *

Quickly little Patricia Weasley ran towards the dungeons carrying her books, quills and parchment along with a suspicious little silver box. She had no idea why the Headmaster would make her give this curious little item to Professor Snape instead of delivering it himself.

// I think I'm going to be sick! Slow down kid or you'll be wearing ode de Hermione complete with chunks of unknown substances. // Hermione grasped one stand of the silver and hung on for dear life. // Kid its only Snape, you still have ten minutes to get to class, stop running. Stupid Percy Weasley genes, even I wasn't that much of a goodie two shoes. //

The running suddenly came to a stop, which unfortunately for Hermione caused her to fly across to the other side of the box. // I'm dead, I can't move. No I'm still breathing. Get up self, get up. What is that noise? // Ungracefully she raised herself up and peeked out to see what was making a clicking noise that sounded like a dead bird clucking at something. The only thing that came into her view was Snape yelling at Peeves who was teasing Snape about the incident with Crookshanks.

"Pretty greasy Snape, Smelt something foul but it was too late. He looked down, and then frowned. He saw Granger's cat pissing on his leg!" The evil poltergeist sang.

"Peeves I will personally see to it that you shall get kicked preeminently off this side of the hemisphere if you do not desist of that infernal racket." Snape's voice threatened as he continued down the corridor. Peeves got the message and floated off to go pester some other unsuspecting victim. Snape paused at the sight of his class and opened the door to the classroom. He stared coldly at each insignificant student as they humbly entered to their awaiting dooms.

"Miss Weasley what do you think you are doing by bringing your trinket box into my classroom." He bellowed at the small child.

"P…p…professor S…s…Snape…"

"Spit it out you idiot girl!" Snape's patience had grown thin.

"Uh…. Well…Professor McGonagall gave it to me, she said it was from the Headmaster in regards to recording your classroom management. She said that if you have any problems you must take it up with him." The little girl trembled and failed to make eye contact through out speaking to Snape.

Snape look at the little box and sneered. ~ So this is what that old fool was rambling off about last night ~ " Put it on my desk Miss Weasley and hurry up and take your seat." Snape stalked off to behind his desk where he perched himself on a high stool, the little trinket box stood before him. " When I call your name, place your assignments in my hands then resume your seats."

// Yup, same old, same old. This guy never changes. Oh, his voice is so velvety smooth ah… //

" Mr. Arkneam. "

"Miss Bergen."

// Time to start the fireworks 'mione. Lets start with pixies fluttering around the room. // A white spark flew out of Hermione's graceful wand, allowing pixies to enter the room. Snape had not noticed his new additions to his classroom.

"Miss Mustard." When the girl failed to approach his desk he called for her again. "Miss Mustard."

"Professor Snape? When did we get Pixies in the dungeon?" the young voice asked.

"Pixie what?" Snape looked to the ceiling to see the little devils fluttering above his head. "Who allowed these creatures in my classroom? Answer me!"

"Possibly the same person who transfigured the floor into grass." Mustard replied.

Snape looked down. "What in devil's name is going on here? Who is doing this?" Hermione smirked and continued her massive mischief.

"Professor Snape? Why are your robes changing into pastel colours?"

Snape looked at his own attire to see the nightmare wardrobe that he had been stuck wearing for a week. "Oh no you don't." Snape pulled out his own wand and tried to change his attire back to black. This plan backfired and soon he found himself sporting a floral old lady dress complete with a Sunday bonnet. Snape let out a shriek so loud that it sounded almost feminine.

"Get it off me! Get it off!" Snape danced around trying to get the grotesque clothes off.

"Professor, a character from a muggle television show is dancing and singing around the classroom now." Another one of the first years spoke.

"I love you, You love me, We're a great big family." a large purple beast started off singing. The classroom broke into shrieks and cries as most students covered their ears and wailed.

"Kill it Professor! Kill it please!"

"Professor Snape! All I can see is pink."

"Professor there is an American boy band performing on your desk."

"Mr. Professor Sir, your dress is on fire."

"Ack!" Snape squealed and ran to a cauldron, pouring the contents on his new dress.

The Chaos continued with new additions to the havoc. The supplies on the shelves turned into fuzzy cute animals all singing "A Whole New World". The walls turned into bright colours, the desks into flower power hippie nymphs grooving to the music provided, stools transformed into flowers. That's when the grand finale appeared. Fireworks exploded all over the room, causing the students to scream even harder than before.

"CLASS DISMISSED! EVERY WIZARD FOR HIMSELF!" Snape made a mad rush for the door, pushing away everything that got in his way.

Hermione sat in the trinket box laughing so hard she thought she was going to soil herself. // Oh my goodness, this is so flipping funny! Time to go. //

Hermione re-grew herself to her normal size and the box was painfully stuck to her toes. After taking the box off her foot, she left it on Snape's desk. The chaos was still going on, so Hermione took the liberty to get rid of the mess. Everything turned back into normal with one wave of her wand.

// Snape in a dress! Oh Minerva was right, I must get a pensive. // She smirked and gracefully exited the potions classroom. " I am good," she said to herself as she left.

"You just don't know how good you are going to get this back." a velvet voice spoke quietly to the now normal classroom. "Granger. You'll get what's coming to you." The voice left and all that could be seen was a swoosh of an old floral dress.

~ She's so busted ~

TBC…

*~*~* Sarsa *~*~*

I'd like to thank all my reviewers and also to apologize for taking so long to get this chapter up but my dog had a bunch of puppies (eight to start with, now only six) and I have to take care of them

A special thanks goes out to my new beta reader Bella (You rock chica)

To Eternal Queen, no my real name is not Sarsa and I'm a 4th generation Canadian (if anyone can guess from which country my family immigrated from they'll get a gold star beside there name ^_^) I find that my real name is just too prissy and proper for me. Plus everyone has been calling me Sarsa since I was eleven. Thanks for offering to be my Beta, but I have Bella now.

Libccio, thanks for offering to beta as well

^_^