iThe Mary Sue's Guide to Middle heart -uh- Middle earth -uh- Middleerath
-dammit- Middle-earth has this to say about actually being in Middle-earth:
"Get out. NOW."
However, having a fine understanding about Mary Sues and how they worked (or rather, did not work, as the reliability of their brains to function was inversely proportional to the amount of hotness in their immediate surroundings. As one went up, the other plummeted into the depths of despair), the Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth also had this to say about being in Middle-earth:
"Stay away from the man/elf/hobbit of your dreams. It can only end in tears."
The Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth was a bestseller, not because of its finely tuned electrical circuits which gave the holder a fine shock if she so much as thought about her lust object, not because of its black cover on which was inscribed the words 'Teh Guide', and not even because it came in three different shades of purple.
No, the real reason why the Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth was a bestseller was simply that its editor was determined to give it out to those who needed it most. His motto had been: For every Mary Sue that enters Middle-earth, there will be a Guide, and this Guide will be sold to her for free.
It was a cheap tactic to put the Guide on the bestseller's lists, but it worked, for the number of Mary Sues who popped in and out of Middle-earth was ever increasing, and was particularly at its busiest around December.
Not that they have Decembers in Middle-earth./i
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Susan was not paying attention to anything Aragorn had to say. This was a mistake, as what Aragorn had to say at that moment had much to do with waving a sword around in a casually reckless manner.
She was distracted by the Guide she hand in her hands - distracted and puzzled. Firstly, she had no idea how it had come to be under her bum that one morning in that dark room. Secondly, she had no idea why it kept telling her to go home. Finally, she had no idea why she kept getting frizzled every time she tried to do a search on Legolas.
And now, she had no idea why Aragorn was asking her to pick up her sword.
"My what?" She screeched, dropping the Guide as it sparked and sizzled menacingly.
"Your sword. Pick it up." Aragorn said with as much patience as an eighty year old Numorean King could muster.
"I don't have a." Susan noticed the gleaming blade which rested by her side. "Oooooooo!" She squealed, pouncing on it. "It's SO PRETTY!!!"
Aragorn was very worried about the future of mankind.
"Pick it up." He repeated after Susan had finished admiring herself in the reflection of the blade. Susan glanced around her and noticed Legolas spying on them from the safe hold of a pillar.
"Legolas! Watch me!" She cooed. Turning her attention to the sword, she wrapped her fingers around its handle and tugged.
Nothing happened.
All right, she thought, let's try that again. She tried lifting it with both hands, all the while flashing a nonchalant smile at those watching. The hobbits had now gathered around Legolas, trying to prevent him from collapsing under the full blast of Susan's smile.
Susan rolled up the sleeves of the dress she had borrowed (all right, stolen) from Arwen and clenched her teeth. She counted to ten, then heaved with all her might.
"YES!" She crowed, holding the sword over her head. "I ROCK! I'M SO COOL! LOOK AT ME, LEGS!" It took Susan a few moments to realize that she was toppling over. It was the crash of her head against the ground that finally alerted her to the fact that she had fallen over. Unfortunately, by the time this had happened, she was already unconscious.
Beside her, the Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth beeped in a manner not unlike 'I told you so!'
"Get out. NOW."
However, having a fine understanding about Mary Sues and how they worked (or rather, did not work, as the reliability of their brains to function was inversely proportional to the amount of hotness in their immediate surroundings. As one went up, the other plummeted into the depths of despair), the Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth also had this to say about being in Middle-earth:
"Stay away from the man/elf/hobbit of your dreams. It can only end in tears."
The Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth was a bestseller, not because of its finely tuned electrical circuits which gave the holder a fine shock if she so much as thought about her lust object, not because of its black cover on which was inscribed the words 'Teh Guide', and not even because it came in three different shades of purple.
No, the real reason why the Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth was a bestseller was simply that its editor was determined to give it out to those who needed it most. His motto had been: For every Mary Sue that enters Middle-earth, there will be a Guide, and this Guide will be sold to her for free.
It was a cheap tactic to put the Guide on the bestseller's lists, but it worked, for the number of Mary Sues who popped in and out of Middle-earth was ever increasing, and was particularly at its busiest around December.
Not that they have Decembers in Middle-earth./i
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------
Susan was not paying attention to anything Aragorn had to say. This was a mistake, as what Aragorn had to say at that moment had much to do with waving a sword around in a casually reckless manner.
She was distracted by the Guide she hand in her hands - distracted and puzzled. Firstly, she had no idea how it had come to be under her bum that one morning in that dark room. Secondly, she had no idea why it kept telling her to go home. Finally, she had no idea why she kept getting frizzled every time she tried to do a search on Legolas.
And now, she had no idea why Aragorn was asking her to pick up her sword.
"My what?" She screeched, dropping the Guide as it sparked and sizzled menacingly.
"Your sword. Pick it up." Aragorn said with as much patience as an eighty year old Numorean King could muster.
"I don't have a." Susan noticed the gleaming blade which rested by her side. "Oooooooo!" She squealed, pouncing on it. "It's SO PRETTY!!!"
Aragorn was very worried about the future of mankind.
"Pick it up." He repeated after Susan had finished admiring herself in the reflection of the blade. Susan glanced around her and noticed Legolas spying on them from the safe hold of a pillar.
"Legolas! Watch me!" She cooed. Turning her attention to the sword, she wrapped her fingers around its handle and tugged.
Nothing happened.
All right, she thought, let's try that again. She tried lifting it with both hands, all the while flashing a nonchalant smile at those watching. The hobbits had now gathered around Legolas, trying to prevent him from collapsing under the full blast of Susan's smile.
Susan rolled up the sleeves of the dress she had borrowed (all right, stolen) from Arwen and clenched her teeth. She counted to ten, then heaved with all her might.
"YES!" She crowed, holding the sword over her head. "I ROCK! I'M SO COOL! LOOK AT ME, LEGS!" It took Susan a few moments to realize that she was toppling over. It was the crash of her head against the ground that finally alerted her to the fact that she had fallen over. Unfortunately, by the time this had happened, she was already unconscious.
Beside her, the Mary Sue's Guide to Middle-earth beeped in a manner not unlike 'I told you so!'