Justice My Ass: An Angel Season Five Parody
Author: Foggi (L@spookysand.com)
Disclaimer: I am not Joss. Or anyone else who works on "the other show," therefore do not blame me.
Rating: PG
SPOILER ALERT: For anything coming up in the new season, all of this is based on spoilers, not actual episodes…those will be worse than this.
BIAS ALERT: I love Spike. Those of you who don't love him will probably be made fun of in this parody. Read at your own risk.
Teaser!!!
We open in a large office filled with several WB execs and Joss Whedon.
WB EXEC: Well, Mr. Whedon, we don't' really like your show or you but if you bring the sexy vampire over to us we'll let you go for one more year. Just make sure you keep those nutty little Spike fans happy.
JOSS: Yes, sir!
We now shift to Joss' office, where he slaves away to come up with the arc for the year. While doing this, he balances a cup of pencils on his head.
JOSS: Hmm, I only have one show left. I better not screw this up!
Joss thinks for a moment about how to turn Angel: the Series into the most successful show on television.
JOSS: Oh! I know! I'll drive the fan base insane again, jerk them around with insane storylines all year, and make them constantly worried about what I'll do to their favorite character next!!! Hmm…now who is the most popular person on the show? Ah, yes, Spike! This is brilliant…the fans are right, I AM god!!!
Enter David Fury
JOSS: David! I have just the episode for you!
DAVID: Oh really? What's that?
JOSS: The "Spike Returns" episode!!! I've decided that the way to save the show is to torture the Spike fans some more!
DAVID: You know, Spike fans are really evil…maybe we could do an episode of Spike KILLING one of his own fans…that would drive them all crazy!
JOSS: Sure, whatever you want! But first, we need to think of a way to bring him back.
Enter Drew Goddard
ULTIMATE DREW: Hey, I couldn't help but overhearing the Spike talk, and I thought I'd put in my two cents since I'm the only writer who gives a damn about continuity. I was thinking, Spike fits the exact criteria for shanshu-ing! I mean, you must have known what you were doing when you were writing it…it makes perfect sense!!!
JOSS: Right. Sure…um, what is this shanshu of which you speak?
DAVID: You know, I really don't think that's a good idea, if Spike is happy, that means that no one will watch the show. People only like the show when Spike is in pain. Plus, Angel is the only really special vampire around this show, so we have to knock Spike down a few pegs…make him an evil rapist again or something equally disgusting!
JOSS: Really? Hmm. Neat. Good Plan.
DAVID: So, really the best thing we can do is have him come back as something that everyone will hate. We should make him a ghost. One of those ghosts that doesn't really do anything but say one-liners and irritate Angel. You know, like Spike in season four. People loved season four!
JOSS: Hmm. I guess they did love season four. Okay, David, you go for it.
DREW: Um, all due respect…I don't think the fans will be happy with that.
JOSS: Yeah, yeah, sure they will! They'll like it because I tell them to like it and that's the way all of my tv shows work!
Opening Scene: Episode Two
Spike is sitting-no he's floating- on the floor of Angel's office.
SPIKE: Well, this sucks.
ANGEL: Quiet, minion.
SPIKE: I mean…I saved the bleeding world. And my reward is that I'm a ghost?!? That's ridiculous. If you had saved the world, you'd probably be given some kind of perfect live and have lots of children with the women I love who you barely know anymore!
ANGEL: Mmm, cookies.
Enter Wesley
WESLEY: Where's Lilah?
ANGEL: She's a ghost…or she's dead…or in hell. Something non-corporeal…it really doesn't matter what.
SPIKE: Are ALL of the popular characters on this show dead or invisible?!?
Enter Fred
FRED: Yes.
SPIKE: And, where the hell is the bratty cheerleader who was living with you all?
FRED: Cordelia?
ANGEL: Oh, I hate that bitch! Mmm, cookies.
SPIKE: So, let me get this straight. EVERY interesting character on this show has been done away with or turned into a pointless ghost?
FRED: Yes.
Enter Buffy !!!!!!!
BUFFY: ANGEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! I just stopped by to tell you that I'm almost ready to be in love with you 4eva!!!!!!! I swear I'll be fully cooked by February!!!
SPIKE: Buffy?
A Sarah McLaughlin song comes on as the angst begins…tragically Buffy can hear Spike's voice but cannot see his sexy body. Oh dear, now there is ABSOLUTLY NO CHANCE EVER OF SPIKE BEING LOVED BY ANYONE AT ANY TIME. David Fury calls up Marti Noxon to discuss the happy news. Now young women everywhere will learn and grow, knowing that when they beat their boyfriends they'll get away with it and still end up with the ONE TRU LURVE. Ah, feminism.
BUFFY: Oh, Spike…this is so sad.
A beat.
BUFFY: Okay, Angel. I'll be back in February!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
SPIKE: Yeah. Big reward for the man who saved the world.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene Two
Spike and Angel are arguing over some sort of body-switch. They bicker at each other because that is Spike's purpose on the show! He's the new Cordelia…because that made so much sense the first time.
SPIKE: Bloody hell. No wonder that slayer chick is so messed up!
ANGEL: Hey, you're talking about the women I Lo---
SPIKE: Oh, dear GOD. You haven't even seen her but once in the last two years!
ANGEL: Hey, stop it! We're star-crossed luvers!!!
Enter A Servant
SERVANT: Hello there Mr. Angel. And who is your friend?
SPIKE: Oh, I'm his date.
Angel stops dead in his tracks.
ANGEL: Do you mean that?
Enter Buffy.
BUFFY: Spike-y-poo? You aren't dating my lover, are you? Because I'd really hate it if you ever had a relationship with anyone else!!!
SPIKE: Well…I don't know yet. I…I need time.
BUFFY: Gasp! Spike-y I LOVE YOU!!!!
ANGEL: BUFFY, SPIKE, I LOVE YOU!!!!
SPIKE: Angel…
Buffy angrily stomps out.
Angel and Spike stare at each other for a good ten seconds…
FADE TO BLACK.
Author: Foggi (L@spookysand.com)
Disclaimer: I am not Joss. Or anyone else who works on "the other show," therefore do not blame me.
Rating: PG
SPOILER ALERT: For anything coming up in the new season, all of this is based on spoilers, not actual episodes…those will be worse than this.
BIAS ALERT: I love Spike. Those of you who don't love him will probably be made fun of in this parody. Read at your own risk.
Teaser!!!
We open in a large office filled with several WB execs and Joss Whedon.
WB EXEC: Well, Mr. Whedon, we don't' really like your show or you but if you bring the sexy vampire over to us we'll let you go for one more year. Just make sure you keep those nutty little Spike fans happy.
JOSS: Yes, sir!
We now shift to Joss' office, where he slaves away to come up with the arc for the year. While doing this, he balances a cup of pencils on his head.
JOSS: Hmm, I only have one show left. I better not screw this up!
Joss thinks for a moment about how to turn Angel: the Series into the most successful show on television.
JOSS: Oh! I know! I'll drive the fan base insane again, jerk them around with insane storylines all year, and make them constantly worried about what I'll do to their favorite character next!!! Hmm…now who is the most popular person on the show? Ah, yes, Spike! This is brilliant…the fans are right, I AM god!!!
Enter David Fury
JOSS: David! I have just the episode for you!
DAVID: Oh really? What's that?
JOSS: The "Spike Returns" episode!!! I've decided that the way to save the show is to torture the Spike fans some more!
DAVID: You know, Spike fans are really evil…maybe we could do an episode of Spike KILLING one of his own fans…that would drive them all crazy!
JOSS: Sure, whatever you want! But first, we need to think of a way to bring him back.
Enter Drew Goddard
ULTIMATE DREW: Hey, I couldn't help but overhearing the Spike talk, and I thought I'd put in my two cents since I'm the only writer who gives a damn about continuity. I was thinking, Spike fits the exact criteria for shanshu-ing! I mean, you must have known what you were doing when you were writing it…it makes perfect sense!!!
JOSS: Right. Sure…um, what is this shanshu of which you speak?
DAVID: You know, I really don't think that's a good idea, if Spike is happy, that means that no one will watch the show. People only like the show when Spike is in pain. Plus, Angel is the only really special vampire around this show, so we have to knock Spike down a few pegs…make him an evil rapist again or something equally disgusting!
JOSS: Really? Hmm. Neat. Good Plan.
DAVID: So, really the best thing we can do is have him come back as something that everyone will hate. We should make him a ghost. One of those ghosts that doesn't really do anything but say one-liners and irritate Angel. You know, like Spike in season four. People loved season four!
JOSS: Hmm. I guess they did love season four. Okay, David, you go for it.
DREW: Um, all due respect…I don't think the fans will be happy with that.
JOSS: Yeah, yeah, sure they will! They'll like it because I tell them to like it and that's the way all of my tv shows work!
Opening Scene: Episode Two
Spike is sitting-no he's floating- on the floor of Angel's office.
SPIKE: Well, this sucks.
ANGEL: Quiet, minion.
SPIKE: I mean…I saved the bleeding world. And my reward is that I'm a ghost?!? That's ridiculous. If you had saved the world, you'd probably be given some kind of perfect live and have lots of children with the women I love who you barely know anymore!
ANGEL: Mmm, cookies.
Enter Wesley
WESLEY: Where's Lilah?
ANGEL: She's a ghost…or she's dead…or in hell. Something non-corporeal…it really doesn't matter what.
SPIKE: Are ALL of the popular characters on this show dead or invisible?!?
Enter Fred
FRED: Yes.
SPIKE: And, where the hell is the bratty cheerleader who was living with you all?
FRED: Cordelia?
ANGEL: Oh, I hate that bitch! Mmm, cookies.
SPIKE: So, let me get this straight. EVERY interesting character on this show has been done away with or turned into a pointless ghost?
FRED: Yes.
Enter Buffy !!!!!!!
BUFFY: ANGEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! I just stopped by to tell you that I'm almost ready to be in love with you 4eva!!!!!!! I swear I'll be fully cooked by February!!!
SPIKE: Buffy?
A Sarah McLaughlin song comes on as the angst begins…tragically Buffy can hear Spike's voice but cannot see his sexy body. Oh dear, now there is ABSOLUTLY NO CHANCE EVER OF SPIKE BEING LOVED BY ANYONE AT ANY TIME. David Fury calls up Marti Noxon to discuss the happy news. Now young women everywhere will learn and grow, knowing that when they beat their boyfriends they'll get away with it and still end up with the ONE TRU LURVE. Ah, feminism.
BUFFY: Oh, Spike…this is so sad.
A beat.
BUFFY: Okay, Angel. I'll be back in February!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
SPIKE: Yeah. Big reward for the man who saved the world.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene Two
Spike and Angel are arguing over some sort of body-switch. They bicker at each other because that is Spike's purpose on the show! He's the new Cordelia…because that made so much sense the first time.
SPIKE: Bloody hell. No wonder that slayer chick is so messed up!
ANGEL: Hey, you're talking about the women I Lo---
SPIKE: Oh, dear GOD. You haven't even seen her but once in the last two years!
ANGEL: Hey, stop it! We're star-crossed luvers!!!
Enter A Servant
SERVANT: Hello there Mr. Angel. And who is your friend?
SPIKE: Oh, I'm his date.
Angel stops dead in his tracks.
ANGEL: Do you mean that?
Enter Buffy.
BUFFY: Spike-y-poo? You aren't dating my lover, are you? Because I'd really hate it if you ever had a relationship with anyone else!!!
SPIKE: Well…I don't know yet. I…I need time.
BUFFY: Gasp! Spike-y I LOVE YOU!!!!
ANGEL: BUFFY, SPIKE, I LOVE YOU!!!!
SPIKE: Angel…
Buffy angrily stomps out.
Angel and Spike stare at each other for a good ten seconds…
FADE TO BLACK.