A/N : Inspired by Dir en Grey's song 'YOKAN'
This might get a bit strange, I'm warning you.This is mostly from her POV
, she sees everything from a dream-state
sometimes, so try to tag along , it might get confusing from time to time.
And now , enjoy !
uwebe dake de ima mo kimi wo moteasonderu kimi wa nani mo kizukazu minusu ni kouru ai
muguchina kimi ni muguchina ai de muguchina fukai kan wo muguchina boku ni muguchina ai de muguchina kizuato
Only on the surface now I'm toying with you you do not notice a thing In minus (180 degrees celcius) frozen love
in taciturn you, with taciturn love, a taciturn discomfort in taciturn me, with taciturn love, a taciturn scar
Born Inside Me
I'm trying not to scream , or hit the walls as I usually do....it's not gonna get me anywhere. At home it would of been a rather good idea to just hit the living daylights out of everything in my way. But now, here....it doesen't even matter anyway , the only thing's gonna get me are more trouble.
I'm not crazy.
I used to write in that novel of mine about this main character , how she felt in her straight jacket. I guess I didn't explained half of how it feels. I'm used with the walls....if I look straight up , at the ceiling , it feels just like I'm home, bored out of my mind, staring at the walls.But this time there's no music in the background .
Earlier I screamed to the guardian passing by I'm gonna behave, that I didn't meant it.He continued walking , but I know he heard me clearly.If I continued screaming more they would of given me shots or pills. Either one , I don't like any. Hands banging on the doors ,screams , voices begging , cries of despair , it's so nice when everything chills down.They rarely ever do.I don't belong here. Me and my bad temper . I shouldn't be here . I don't know how much time it passed.I guess a couple of hours or more.
It's dark in this room , the window is covered by the shadow of a tree. A moth's in . It rests on a wall then starts to fly again trough the room , resting on a wall and starting over and over again . now it sits on the door. It doesen't seem like she wants to move from there.A door, just like any other door here...the knob doesen't move....I wish it would , so someone would come and take this off me and get me back to my room. Ever noticed how , if you stare too much at an object , it seems to move ?
I think's for real.
" You chilled down young lady ? " He asks me. Do I feel a slight superiority in his voice ?
"Yes....can you just take me out of here and get this off ? " I ask.
" Yes. But if you don't behave , you'll be staying here for two days."
" I am behaving ! Don't you ever get angry ? It wasn't my fault...."
" Yes it was the voices and all and all..I heard them all darling."
" I don't hear voices." I swear he's an asshole.
He makes a puff-like sound and takes me and unties the straight jacket.Finally , I was starting to itch...
" He wants to talk to you." He says.
Great, that's all I needed now. I guess we'll just have to get it over with and return to my place and be left alone.
I walk on the white hallway , hearing the sounds of the other patients from their own rooms.Get me out of here, I heard enough already. One neon is blinking on my right side.Somewhere on my left another one follows.If you look carefully to bright neons, they sometimes seem blueish. Or maybe it's just me.
He pushes the door , and my back gently in front towards another hallway. I didn't noticed it was this far ,I guess I was too busy jumping and hitting everyone. I wonder if he'll make me take pills and put me back here to get me in my own room.I'm feeling bad about it because I know it's gonna hurt mom when she's gonna find out.
Suddenly, we're in front of his door. When did we got here ? He opens the door for me and pushes me in.
Sitting at the desk , writing something , the director sits in front of me.When I enter he looks at me with those black eyes, like he's piercing right trough me. I don't want to , but my eyes drop on the floor. Why ? I didn't do nothing wrong.
" Miss Levinston....now that you finally got yourself together , may I ask what happened earlier ? "
" You never been upset ? Ever ? So bad you wanted to hurt someone ? " I ask him , this time managing to rise my eyes.
" Yes , but never hurt anyone."
" Well... I did and I'm sorry I guess but it was not my fault.I have a bad temper.No one even let me state my point."
" Because you're a minor and the fact you have a...'bad temper' won't get you anywhere. You'll have to get me better than that.To refresh your memory , you were having nothing more than a normal pychiatrist hour, like you do every two days , and out of the blue you start to scream and hit everything and everyone."
" I just got annoyed , that's all.They are always insinuating things , saying 'you feel like that don't you ?' like I'm some sort of lunatinc and stuff, and all those things they say...they don't believe half of it ,he is not here to help me, he's only gonna get me more angry.But Please, I just wanna go back to my previous room , and I promise I'm gonna behave ! I promise!"
He mumbeled something under his breath and looked into a file. Bet $5 it's mine.
" Yeah...well since you seem not to be only suspected of Dementia , but having it, I'm gonna forgive you , just this time. But if I ever hear this again , I will put you in the West wing again.For a long time."
See ?
" But if it happens again , you're gonna stay for a long time in that room."
" Thank you sir." I say and get ready to leave.
My oh-so-favorite guardian walks me until we reach our sector .So here I am , back again.At least we have a TV , a sofa, some music and decent food. I don't even want to think about what those poor souls in the West wing are eating... The guardian's gone.I'm alone between these people again. One of the nurses looks at me suspiciously. What ? You judging me too ? Go to hell.
I find my place near the window, like I always do. It's almost evening , the clouds are 'out in town'....Somewhere there , on the horizon line it's burning , like fire from Hell. They say the Sun's happy in the morning because he sees the Heavnens , a bit sad in the noon because he sees the bad humans and he goes back home madly angered because when night falls he sees the layers of Hell where is nothing but sadness and grief. Or at least that's what I read in a fairy-tales book. The clouds disperse into the horizon , they look like a paved highway in the sky witch leads the world towads the Sun. In wonder, if you walk on it , you see our world just like we see the sky ? Our world upside down. Funny.
There are about 5 or 6 people in the room. I don't bother to count.No nurse around. They're talking , either reading magazines their relatives brought. No one ever visits me anymore.Dad's too ashamed his daughter's crazy ,in a way happy he got rid of me and I guess mom's on with work....I shouldn't blame her , maybe , maybe not. Even so I still hate her a bit.
I've been laying too much in that bed, I feel like walking , stretching my legs....they should of brought me my slippers at least, my socks are white and they already got dirty.As well as my 'uniform'. I don't need this....large blouse and large pants. It would of been more than fine but they're white....I told them I can't stand white.And they wonder why I have nervous breakdowns.
I walk towards the door I entered here earlier . Whaddaya know...they forgot it opened...I push it slowly , without any noise. This hall seems always to be deserted.Separates the West wing from the Eastern one. Either way , worse than the West wing it can't be. Maybe I should go back to my room, maybe ask for something to eat.
Suddenly, someone pushes someone out of one of the doors on the hallway.Another guardian , the biggest I've seen around , Along with another one, push a young man out the door. He's dressed in white clothes ,and seems to struggle ,but I don't think he struggles so hard he needs to be pushed around like this. After he gets a heavy palm in the back of his head he almost falls on the ground , but the men sustain him.He rises his head slowly, and I think he notices me . What a strange man , his hair is white.......he's not smiling nor being stone-faced. You can't read his expression.
" Hey ! You ! Get back in your place ! " One of the guardians suddenly screams at me. I think I take one step back , but I don't go back to my sector.
The man still struggles, but more like a fainted struggle, he seems he can't even walk straight anymore.
" Brad , go get her man ." One says.
The other pushes me back trough the door and screams for a nurse to take care of me, as he goes back to the man, and starts to push him towards the West wing . The young man looks at me with his eyes and what I see frightens me : his snake-like eyes....yellow.... He doesen't mean anything bad with his face , he doesen't seem as angry as he looked when struggling when he entered.I don't know what he wants, he seems so numb yet so enraged ...
A nurse pushes me away as she runs towards the guardians .It seems like they can't keep him still . Some other come out from another wing with pills and I see someone with a seringe as he pushes the needle deep inside his arm. In a matter of seconds, as they try to keep him still , he falls faint in their arms and they disappear beyond the doors.
The nurses push everyone back to their places,including me.
I return to the place next to the window. Wierd....the clouds, the grey clouds witch seemed to flow an endless curvy line to the Sun , are parted now, not forming that line anymore....
The skies are broken today.
uwebe dake de ima mo kimi wo moteasonderu kimi wa nani mo kizukazu minusu ni kouru ai
muguchina kimi ni muguchina ai de muguchina fukai kan wo muguchina boku ni muguchina ai de muguchina kizuato
Only on the surface now I'm toying with you you do not notice a thing In minus (180 degrees celcius) frozen love
in taciturn you, with taciturn love, a taciturn discomfort in taciturn me, with taciturn love, a taciturn scar
Born Inside Me
I'm trying not to scream , or hit the walls as I usually do....it's not gonna get me anywhere. At home it would of been a rather good idea to just hit the living daylights out of everything in my way. But now, here....it doesen't even matter anyway , the only thing's gonna get me are more trouble.
I'm not crazy.
I used to write in that novel of mine about this main character , how she felt in her straight jacket. I guess I didn't explained half of how it feels. I'm used with the walls....if I look straight up , at the ceiling , it feels just like I'm home, bored out of my mind, staring at the walls.But this time there's no music in the background .
Earlier I screamed to the guardian passing by I'm gonna behave, that I didn't meant it.He continued walking , but I know he heard me clearly.If I continued screaming more they would of given me shots or pills. Either one , I don't like any. Hands banging on the doors ,screams , voices begging , cries of despair , it's so nice when everything chills down.They rarely ever do.I don't belong here. Me and my bad temper . I shouldn't be here . I don't know how much time it passed.I guess a couple of hours or more.
It's dark in this room , the window is covered by the shadow of a tree. A moth's in . It rests on a wall then starts to fly again trough the room , resting on a wall and starting over and over again . now it sits on the door. It doesen't seem like she wants to move from there.A door, just like any other door here...the knob doesen't move....I wish it would , so someone would come and take this off me and get me back to my room. Ever noticed how , if you stare too much at an object , it seems to move ?
I think's for real.
" You chilled down young lady ? " He asks me. Do I feel a slight superiority in his voice ?
"Yes....can you just take me out of here and get this off ? " I ask.
" Yes. But if you don't behave , you'll be staying here for two days."
" I am behaving ! Don't you ever get angry ? It wasn't my fault...."
" Yes it was the voices and all and all..I heard them all darling."
" I don't hear voices." I swear he's an asshole.
He makes a puff-like sound and takes me and unties the straight jacket.Finally , I was starting to itch...
" He wants to talk to you." He says.
Great, that's all I needed now. I guess we'll just have to get it over with and return to my place and be left alone.
I walk on the white hallway , hearing the sounds of the other patients from their own rooms.Get me out of here, I heard enough already. One neon is blinking on my right side.Somewhere on my left another one follows.If you look carefully to bright neons, they sometimes seem blueish. Or maybe it's just me.
He pushes the door , and my back gently in front towards another hallway. I didn't noticed it was this far ,I guess I was too busy jumping and hitting everyone. I wonder if he'll make me take pills and put me back here to get me in my own room.I'm feeling bad about it because I know it's gonna hurt mom when she's gonna find out.
Suddenly, we're in front of his door. When did we got here ? He opens the door for me and pushes me in.
Sitting at the desk , writing something , the director sits in front of me.When I enter he looks at me with those black eyes, like he's piercing right trough me. I don't want to , but my eyes drop on the floor. Why ? I didn't do nothing wrong.
" Miss Levinston....now that you finally got yourself together , may I ask what happened earlier ? "
" You never been upset ? Ever ? So bad you wanted to hurt someone ? " I ask him , this time managing to rise my eyes.
" Yes , but never hurt anyone."
" Well... I did and I'm sorry I guess but it was not my fault.I have a bad temper.No one even let me state my point."
" Because you're a minor and the fact you have a...'bad temper' won't get you anywhere. You'll have to get me better than that.To refresh your memory , you were having nothing more than a normal pychiatrist hour, like you do every two days , and out of the blue you start to scream and hit everything and everyone."
" I just got annoyed , that's all.They are always insinuating things , saying 'you feel like that don't you ?' like I'm some sort of lunatinc and stuff, and all those things they say...they don't believe half of it ,he is not here to help me, he's only gonna get me more angry.But Please, I just wanna go back to my previous room , and I promise I'm gonna behave ! I promise!"
He mumbeled something under his breath and looked into a file. Bet $5 it's mine.
" Yeah...well since you seem not to be only suspected of Dementia , but having it, I'm gonna forgive you , just this time. But if I ever hear this again , I will put you in the West wing again.For a long time."
See ?
" But if it happens again , you're gonna stay for a long time in that room."
" Thank you sir." I say and get ready to leave.
My oh-so-favorite guardian walks me until we reach our sector .So here I am , back again.At least we have a TV , a sofa, some music and decent food. I don't even want to think about what those poor souls in the West wing are eating... The guardian's gone.I'm alone between these people again. One of the nurses looks at me suspiciously. What ? You judging me too ? Go to hell.
I find my place near the window, like I always do. It's almost evening , the clouds are 'out in town'....Somewhere there , on the horizon line it's burning , like fire from Hell. They say the Sun's happy in the morning because he sees the Heavnens , a bit sad in the noon because he sees the bad humans and he goes back home madly angered because when night falls he sees the layers of Hell where is nothing but sadness and grief. Or at least that's what I read in a fairy-tales book. The clouds disperse into the horizon , they look like a paved highway in the sky witch leads the world towads the Sun. In wonder, if you walk on it , you see our world just like we see the sky ? Our world upside down. Funny.
There are about 5 or 6 people in the room. I don't bother to count.No nurse around. They're talking , either reading magazines their relatives brought. No one ever visits me anymore.Dad's too ashamed his daughter's crazy ,in a way happy he got rid of me and I guess mom's on with work....I shouldn't blame her , maybe , maybe not. Even so I still hate her a bit.
I've been laying too much in that bed, I feel like walking , stretching my legs....they should of brought me my slippers at least, my socks are white and they already got dirty.As well as my 'uniform'. I don't need this....large blouse and large pants. It would of been more than fine but they're white....I told them I can't stand white.And they wonder why I have nervous breakdowns.
I walk towards the door I entered here earlier . Whaddaya know...they forgot it opened...I push it slowly , without any noise. This hall seems always to be deserted.Separates the West wing from the Eastern one. Either way , worse than the West wing it can't be. Maybe I should go back to my room, maybe ask for something to eat.
Suddenly, someone pushes someone out of one of the doors on the hallway.Another guardian , the biggest I've seen around , Along with another one, push a young man out the door. He's dressed in white clothes ,and seems to struggle ,but I don't think he struggles so hard he needs to be pushed around like this. After he gets a heavy palm in the back of his head he almost falls on the ground , but the men sustain him.He rises his head slowly, and I think he notices me . What a strange man , his hair is white.......he's not smiling nor being stone-faced. You can't read his expression.
" Hey ! You ! Get back in your place ! " One of the guardians suddenly screams at me. I think I take one step back , but I don't go back to my sector.
The man still struggles, but more like a fainted struggle, he seems he can't even walk straight anymore.
" Brad , go get her man ." One says.
The other pushes me back trough the door and screams for a nurse to take care of me, as he goes back to the man, and starts to push him towards the West wing . The young man looks at me with his eyes and what I see frightens me : his snake-like eyes....yellow.... He doesen't mean anything bad with his face , he doesen't seem as angry as he looked when struggling when he entered.I don't know what he wants, he seems so numb yet so enraged ...
A nurse pushes me away as she runs towards the guardians .It seems like they can't keep him still . Some other come out from another wing with pills and I see someone with a seringe as he pushes the needle deep inside his arm. In a matter of seconds, as they try to keep him still , he falls faint in their arms and they disappear beyond the doors.
The nurses push everyone back to their places,including me.
I return to the place next to the window. Wierd....the clouds, the grey clouds witch seemed to flow an endless curvy line to the Sun , are parted now, not forming that line anymore....
The skies are broken today.