Mojo

by Father M.J. Hulk

OPENING WORDS: Hello, once again my children! Welcome back to "The Big Giant Crossover Show!" I know I used to say these things would come out once a week, but I've been sooooo busy… anywho, this one is sure to be as good as the others, if not better. So jump on Platform 9 ¾ because we're off to Hogwarts once again! *Rings the train whistle three times* I always wanted to do that…

Harry Potter slowly walked down the stairs in Number Four, Privet Drive, towards the living room. His Aunt Petunia was making a fuss over his cousin, Dudley, who had just come home and managed to get one "A" on his report card.

"Oooh, my ickle Dudley is so smart! Oh, wait until we tell Auntie Marge! She'll be…"

"Ahem…" Harry quietly cleared his throat. Uncle Vernon started like an unpleasant odor had just drifted in from outside.

"What do YOU want?" he growled.

"Well, as you know," Harry began calmly, "Tomorrow is the first day of my sixth year at Hog… er, my school."

Vernon's eyes narrowed. "Do tell."

"And, I'll need somebody to take me to King's Cross Station tomorrow morning."

"Hah!" Vernon spat. "You think after all the crap you put us through, that we're actually going to help you get to your little nut job school?"

"Yes." said Harry with a slight smile.

"Forget it!" roared Vernon. "Have your sick little friends take you! I will not take part in any of that nonsense!"

Harry's hand drifted idly down to his pocket.

"Oh ho!" Vernon cried. "Don't even think about it! You'll be expelled from that loony bin for sure if you so much make a spark from that blasted device!"

But it was not his wand that Harry removed from his pocket, but a magazine. The rear cover had an advertisement, so that Vernon and Petunia couldn't see what the title was, but Harry beckoned Vernon over to him. Out of pure curiosity, Vernon lumbered over and looked at the front cover, jumped three feet, and glared at Harry in utmost hatred.

"I found this under your mattress," Harry said with a smile. "Maybe I should show Aunt Petunia…"

"NO!" Vernon cried immediately. "No… no need for her to see my motorcycle digest, now, is there?" He managed a false chuckle, and a false smile at his wife, then he turned back to Harry. "This is blackmail," he snarled. "You know that, right?"

"Of course."

"Grr…" he was in a fix now, because if he didn't take the boy to King's Cross, he'd show Petunia the magazine… but if he did, then he'd have to deal with being seen with the boy and his owl and his ruddy school books…

"Very well." Vernon said after a brief silence. "Pack your bloody things, and we'll go tomorrow. Now… put that away."

Harry grinned, and turned and walked back into the hallway. Then he turned so that only Vernon could see him, and opened the magazine to the centerfold.

"PUT IT AWAY!!!"

The following morning, Harry found himself dumped in front of Platform 9 at King's Cross, and he smiled as the Dursley's car sped away. Now all he had to do was wait for Ron and Hermione, who said they'd meet him here. His wait was not long.

"Oy! Harry!" Ronald Weasley called from his left. "Over here!"

"Hello, Ron," said Harry, happy to see his old friend once again.

"Was that your Muggle family bringing you here?" Ron asked. "I thought they'd never even speak to you again, after last year."

"I have connections." Harry said.

"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked, looking around.

"I'm right here!" exclaimed a female voice, and within an instant, Hermione Granger had jumped on Ron from behind and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Didja miss me, Ronnie?"

"Oy, get off! Get off!" Ron cried, shaking himself so that Hermione was forced off. "What's with you all of a sudden?"

"Oh… nothing." she pouted, hurt by Ron's negative reaction. But she recovered quickly and said, "Come on, we should get onto the platform."

"'ang on," Ron said, looking to his left, "Let's wait for Ginny."

They didn't have long to wait. In moments, Ginny came running towards them, quite agile now in her fifth year. Harry smiled as she approached. She was so beautiful… but as he had found out last year, she was no longer interested in him. But that didn't stop Harry from admiring her from afar, dreaming of the day that they'd be together.

"Hello, everyone," she said, a bit out of breath. "Oh, hello Harry! Well come on, let's go before the train leaves! Come on!" She took Harry's hand and yanked him through the barrier. The others quickly followed.

Suddenly, something struck Harry. "Ron? How'd you get here? Where are your parents?"

Ron smiled. "Got my driver's license last month."

"Your WHAT?" Ginny asked.

Hermione answered. "It's a piece of paper that Muggles have to have to be able to drive a car."

"Ohhh…"

"But what did you drive?" Harry asked.

Ron grinned bigger. "You'd never think that old car would come home, did you?"

"You don't mean…"

"Yup. We found it back in our driveway last night. From what I heard, Grawp scared it from the woods and it had nowhere else to go."

"But you didn't FLY it?" Hermione said.

"Oh, no. Just drove it. Bloody inconvenient if you ask me. But Mom and Dad told me they can't keep bringing us here, so I had to learn to drive. I said, 'Mum, why can't I just use my broomstick?' And she says, 'Yeah right! That's almost as bad as being seen in a flying car!' So I was all like…"

"Ron!" Ginny cut in, "That's enough."

RIIIIING!

"Damn, the train!" Hermione said. "Come on, we have to get on!"

They quickly scrambled into the end compartment as the Hogwarts Express chugged out of the station.

The train ride was quite pleasurable. They played exploding snap and bought chocolate frogs and etc. etc. etc. everything they do on the Hogwarts train. They were rudely interrupted, however, by some unexpected guests late in the ride.

"Hello… Potter." drawled the icy voice of Draco Malfoy.

"Out!" Harry snarled, pointing immediately at the door. "Get out. We don't want you here at ALL. Beat it!"

But Malfoy simply smiled. "Temper, temper, Potter. One day that temper will get you in serious trouble."

"What do you want?" Ron growled.

"I just thought you'd like to know that I've learned dozens of new spells and hexes over the summer. In other words," he lowered his voice maliciously, "None of you mess with me this year. Or you'll find yourself with a squid tentacle for each arm."

Crabbe and Goyle snickered.

"Come on, mates, let's leave Potter and his friends alone." And they were gone.

"Ha. I'm not scared of him." Ron snorted.

"Yeah, if they bug me once, I'll perform avada kadavra on the lot of them." Harry muttered under his breath. But Hermione had heard him, and gasped.

"You can't, Harry! That's life in Azkaban and the Dementor's kiss! Don't even say that!"

Harry looked up. "It's a joke, Hermione. A joke. You know… 'ha ha'?"

She rolled her eyes.

At last the Hogwarts Express arrived at Hogsmeade station, and, dressed in their robes anew, the students began scrambling out of the train.

"Firs' years! Firs' years this way!" came the booming voice of Rubeus Hagrid. "You three all righ'?"

"Hi, Hagrid!" Hermione waved, and soon they were ushered onto the carriages pulled by the mysterious skeleton horses. Harry didn't consider it a gift that he could see them. And finally, they arrived at the great oak doors to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

Professor McGonagall met them at the door. "Welcome back to Hogwarts, everyone! I'm glad we've all managed to stay safe and sound over the summer." She looked over at Harry and nodded, and continued. "Please come inside to the great hall, and first years come with me to await the arrival of the Sorting Hat."

The doors to the school opened, and Harry breathed deep with relaxation as he entered his true home. The great hall was beautifully decorated as usual, and he made his way over to Gryffindor table, where his friends were waiting for him.

"Hullo, Harry!" said Nevillle Longbottom. "Listen, listen! I learned how to produce a Patronus!"

"Really?" Harry said, amazed. "What is it the shape of?"

Neville blushed slightly. "A… a toad. But a really big one!"

The sorting commenced as usual, and then Professor Dumbledore rose to greet the students.

"Welcome back, to Hogwarts, my friends!" There was applause, and then he continued. "Now, before we begin our meal, let us say grace… follow along with me… ahem..

Jahova, Buddha, Jesus too, who loves ya, baby, time to chew.

This gave rise to a roar of laugter from the whole room, and then the food appeared on the plates and mouths began chewing.

"Hey Harry?" Ron whispered, leaning over. "Who's that guy sitting next to Snape up there?"

Harry followed his gaze and observed a man in a blue velvet suit, with a lot of frilly stuff by the neck. He had glasses and a "male" necklace. He seemed to be getting along great with the other teachers, and when he apparently finished a joke, even Snape had the makings of a smile on his face.

"I guess he's the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher." Harry said with a shrug. "He sure looks like a nice guy…"

"Who's that, sitting in Filch's chair?" Ron asked. Harry looked once again to see a tall man, completely bald with a spider vein running on the right side of his head. He wore a featureless grey outfit, and Harry also saw a tiny little man sitting next to him, almost identical to the former in every way.

"I dunno," Harry replied. "Do you think they got rid of Filch?"

"Oy, I hope so." Ron said over a mouthful of fries. "He's one of the first I'd like to see sacked."

Finally, the remnants of the food had disappeared, and Dumbledore rose to make the usual announcements.

"I would like to welcome everyone back to Hogwarts, those familiar to our halls, and those new as well." He said, his voice rumbling through the great hall. "I would first like to remind our first year students that the forest on the school grounds is strictly off limits. Secondly, I would like everyone to welcome our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Powers." There was scattered applause, and the man stood up and gave a jaunty bow.

"Smashing, man!" he said. "I can't tell you what an honor it will be to be working with such fine people as yourselves. Oooh…" He began rubbing his neck.

"What's wrong with your neck?" Dumbledore whispered to him.

"I took a Viagra. Got stuck in me throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours."

"I THANK YOU!" they said together, and the whole school laughed.

"Anyway," Dumbledore continued, "I am also sad to announce that our caretaker, Argus Filch, is no longer with us."

Instead of heartfelt sympathy, there were massive rounds of applause. Dumbledore shot a spark from his wand to call for silence, then continued. "Fortunately, we have a new caretaker! Meet Dr. Evil!" There was barely any applause, and actually a few boos.

"What?" Dr. Evil asked, standing up. "What did I do?"

"He's starkers already, I can tell." Ron whispered to Harry.

Dumbledore continued. "Dr. Evil will be taking on all the responsibilities of caretaker, so I want you to be on your best behavior, lest you be caught. And now, to bed everyone! Off you go!"

And, at last, they arrived in front of the Fat Lady.

"Password?"

Ron stepped up. "Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Hiney Ho."

The portrait swung forward, and there was the familiar Gryffindor common room! Harry went straight to the dormitories and was asleep before anyone else.