The Best Little Institute in Bayville
I don't own the X-Men, they belong to Marvel. I don't own the Osbournes, they belong to themselves. I don't own Jerry Springer nor do I want to. Credits for all song parodies will be at the end. That out of the way, on with the show!
(The first scene is a darkened stage. The song "Willkomen" from Cabaret begins to play. Kurt comes onstage in evening wear and twirling a cane. He sings the opening number)
KURT:
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!
Fremde, etranger, stranger.
Gluklich zu sehen, je suis enchante
Happy to see you, bleibe, reste, stay.
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
(Spoken)
Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs,
Ladies and Gentlemen! Guden Abend, bon soir,
good evening! We geht's? Comment ca va?
Do you feel good? I bet you do!
Ich bin euer Confrecier, Je suis votre compere,
I am your host!
(As he sings, he peels off his dinner jacket and throws it into the audience. The ladies in Kurt's fan club tear each other up to get it.)
Und sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
(Spoken)
Leave your troubles outside!
So- Life is disapointing? Forget it!
We have no troubles here, unless you count the angst
of being a teenaged mutant. But, life is beautiful.
The girls are beautiful.
Even the orchestra is beautiful!
(A curtain parts to reveal the "Orchestra", actually the Brotherhood dressed in drag and playing various instruments.)
You see? I told you the orchestra is beautiful!
And now, presenting the X Mansion girls! (As he introduces each one, she comes on stage wearing a costume that looks like something she just threw on-and damned near missed.) Storm! Storm is so called because of her Stormy nature. Rogue! Oh, you like Rogue? Well, to bad! So does Storm. (They both shoot him a look that says "In your dreams!") Jubilee! You know, I like to order Jubilee on the side. On your side, Jubilee! (She prepares to hurl a spark at him.) Just kidding! Rahne! Yes, Rahne is from Scotland! But she is a very cunning linguist! Jean! (Jean is using her TK to move things in the "club") Oh, Jean, please, will you stop that? Already this week we have lost two waiters, a table and three bottles of champagne up there. And Kitty! Kitty is the baby and I'm just like a father to her. So when she is bad, I spank her. And she is very, very, very, very bad! (Slaps her butt) Bad Kitty! (They form a chorus line with Kurt in the middle.) Storm, Rogue, Jubilee, Rahne, Jean...und Kitty!
Each and every one a virgin! You don't believe me?
Well, don't take my word for it. Go ahead- try Kitty!
Outside it is winter. But in here it is so hot.
Everynight we have to battle with the girls to keep
them from taking off all their clothings! So don't go
away. Who knows? Tonight we may lose the battle!
(They dance Rockette style.)
GIRLS:
Wir sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
Kurt (Spoken)
We are here to serve you!
And now presenting the X Mansion boys. (When announced, each one comes out in formal wear.)
Bobby! St. John! Or is it St. John! and Bobby?
You know, there is only one way to tell the difference.
I'll show you later.
Scott! Oh, Scott, go easy on the saurkraut!
Logan! You know what's funny about Logan?
There's nothing funny about Logan!
And finally, the toast of Bayville, Fraulein Kelly Osbourne!
KELLY:
Hello, darlings!
KURT:
bliebe, reste, stay!
(He dances with her as everyone sings)
All:
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
(Pyro lets out a plume of fire.)
Kurt:
That's St. John!
All:
Die X Villa, Les Maison X
(Whispered)
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Fremde, etranger, stranger
KURT (Kissing Kelly's hand)
Hello, stranger!
All:
Gluklich, zu sehen, je suis enchante,
KURT (dipping Kitty)
Enchante, Madame!
All:
Happy to see you,
Bliebe, reste, stay
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!
Fremde, etranger, stranger.
Gluklich zu sehen, je suis enchante
Happy to see you
Bleibe, reste, stay!
Wir sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
KURT:
Thank you!
Bobby, St. John, Scott, Logan, Storm, Rogue, Jubilee,
Rahne, Jean, Kitty, Kelly and Me!
Welcome to the X Mansion!
Everyone graciously took their bows as hundreds of X Man fans applauded thunderously! "Kuuuuurt!" screamed a woman in the audience. "I love you! I want you for my husband!"
"What does your husband want with me?" he retorted. As everyone laughed, Kurt shared the limelight with ingenue, Kelly Osbourne. "Meine Damen und Herren, perhaps you are wondering what Frauline Kelly Osbourne is doing in our midst."
"It's not the backstroke." said Kelly, triggering a rimshot.
"Isn't she funny? Now, I remember well how Kelly came to join us. I remember it all as if it were only..."
"A flashback?" Kelly prompted.
"Ja!" The two faced the audience and wiggled their fingers a la Wayne and Garth.
"Diddly-dee! Diddly-dee! Diddly-dee!"
It all started in Beverly Hills, California in the Osbourne residence. It was a house that could be called "unusual" at best. The Addam's would've loved it. Kelly was was sitting on the couch with her father, Ozzy. Ozzy was watching the History Channel.
"Why are we watching this again, Dad?" she asked.
"B-because, Kelly," he stammered. "It it's History, you know, World War I, w-with all the-uh-the-uh planes and such."
"I think it's fucking boring." Kelly commented. The TV exploded.
"SHARON!!" Ozzy screamed.
"Oh, what is it, Oz?" Mrs. Osbourne asked in her plummy accent. "I'm right in the middle of writing up the itenerary for your summer tour."
"Sharon! The-the God damned TV just fucking blew up!"
"Well, what do you want me to do about it? Jack's the one who tinkers with the gizmos 'round here."
"Oh, that's right. JACK!!"
Jack came downstairs from his room. "Yeah, what is it?" He suddenly noticed he still had in his hand the blunt he had been smoking. He quickly snuffed it out. "I"m not smoking pot!"
"Our fucking TV is what's smoking!" Ozzy complained.
"Jesus H Christ, Dad!" Jack eyed the wrecked television. "You didn't pull an Elvis did you?"
"W-Why the fuck would I destroy my own dammned TV, Jack?"
"Dad, the screen is smashed. It's gone to Sillicon Heaven."
"How do you know it didn't go to Sillicon Hell?" asked Kelly. A crystal vase of roses on a nearby table suddenly tumbled over, smashing on the floor and scaring Crazy Baby senseless.
"What the fuck did you do that for, Kelly?" asked Jack.
"I didn't do shit!" The blender in the kitchen turned itself on at top speed and exploded.
"Holy fuck! We got a goddammed poltergeist!" Jack observed.
"Oh, don't be daft." said Sharon, trying to clean the mess. "There's no such thing as a bloody poltergeist."
"Don't say that, Mum!" said Jack. "You'll make it angry!"
"I I I don't think it was a a poultry-poluta...a ghost or whatever." said Ozzy. "Kelly, say something naughty."
"What?"
"Say say something crude, you know, cuss or something."
"What, like fuck? Shit?" All the window panes in the house burst open.
"That is severely fucked up." said Jack.
Melinda came into the house just then. "What happened to all your windows?" she asked. "For that matter, what happened here?"
"I'm at a loss." said Sharon as Melinda helped her sweep up the broken glass. "It seems that every time Kelly says a curse word, something breaks or explodes or otherwise causes damage."
"Sounds like a real problem, Mrs. O." Melinda commiserated.
Sharon sighed and explained it all in a song set to the tune of "Maria" from The Sound of Music.
SHARON:
In moments past she's made a blast
Every time that she swears
This isn't adolescent angst
This is really quite rare
This ain't like getting tattooed
This ain't like dying her hair
JACK:
I even heard her singing like Madonna
She made our blender explode
Just by saying 'shit'
From the way our kitchen looks
You'd think she had a fit
KELLY:
I hate to have to say it
But Jack is a total git
JACK:
Kelly needs to shut her fucking mouth!
MELINDA:
I'd like to say a word on her behalf
Kelly makes me laugh
OZZY & SHARON:
How do you solve a problem like our Kelly?
How do you tell hurricanes not to blow?
How do you find a place to help our Kelly?
OZZY:
Should she go to re-hab?
SHARON:
Or to hospital?
BOTH:
Don't know!
SHARON:
Many a thing her new power has broken
Not that we mind, those things can be replaced
But now we must confess
It's made a terrible mess
Now this problem we've no choice but to face
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Kelly?
How do we know this thing won't go to waste?
OZZY:
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
JACK (Spoken)
As opposed to how you usually are?
OZZY:
The explosion scared her Papa
A vase fell on our chihuhua
But she's darling!
JACK:
She's a demon!
SHARON:
Have some ham!
JACK:
She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!
OZZY:
She is gentle!
JACK:
She is wild!
MELINDA:
What's a dervish?
SHARON:
She's a child!
JACK:
She's a headache!
OZZY:
She's an angel!
SHARON:
She's a girl!
As the song finished Jack said "Screw this. I'm gonna watch the telly in the kitchen." Their ample kitchen had a small portable television that Sharon often used to watch the evening news while making dinner. Jack tuned in to The Jerry Springer Show. (A/N the symbol **** will indicate that a word has been bleeped out.)
"Welcome, welcome, welcome." Jerry said to both his studio and television audience. "Our guests today are what are commonly known as mutants. We have with us Professor Charles Xavier and four of his students. Mr. Xavier, I understand that your students are using codenames for their own safety?"
"Yes, that's correct, Mr. Springer." said a bald man in a wheelchair. The graphic read "Charles, Founder of Xavier's School for the Gifted". "The young man with the red sunglasses is Cyclops. The young lady is Rogue. The young man with the spikes is Spyke and the young man with the blue fur is Nightcrawler." Kurt's fanclub screamed in delight.
"What can I say?" Nightcrawler stood up. "Chicks dig the blue fuzzy dude!" The girls sqealed.
"Very nice." said Springer, reminding everyone whose show it was. "Now, Mr. Xavier, you do realize that there are people who would call mutants, at best, unnatural."
"Saddly, this is true." sighed Charles. "But contrary to popular belief, mutants are perfectly natural.We deserve the same rights and privlidges as every other human being. If someone has discovered that they have a mutant abbility, I suggest they contact me at the Xavier Institute in Bayville, New York. There, they will find acceptance among others of their own kind and learn how to use their powers for good." Xavier and his students summed everything up in a song set to the theme from South Park.
XAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
Because down there you will find
CYCLOPS & SPYKE:
Friendly faces everywhere
Angsty teens who have mutations
XAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
If you're a mutant in a bind
ROGUE:
We are open day and night
To people who have super powers
XAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
Where the Institute is kind
NIGHTCRAWLER:
Ich lieben Madchen mit Dinger!
Ich auch lieben gross Scheid!
xAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
And meet some friends of mine.
"I'm sure anyone listening who has found out they're a mutant will be glad to hear that." said Springer. "We have, however, found some people to give opposing viewpoints.Welcome to the show Reverend Jerry Falwell." The audience booed. "Bubba Rudner, Grand Dragon of the Macon branch of the Ku Klux Klan." Louder boos. "And Reverend William Stryker." More boos.
"Reverend Falwell, let's start with you." said Springer. "What is it you don't like about mutants?"
"Well," said Falwell. "For staters, they along with feminists, abortionists and homosexuals are directly responsible for the destruction of the Twin Towers on 9/11."
"Oh, that is some bull****!" stated Spyke.
"Could I ask Mr. 'Grand Dragon' a coupla things?" Rogue asked. Springer nodded. "Your name ain't really 'Bubba', is it?"
"You better believe it Missy!" said Rudner. "And all the enemies of the KKK better remember my name!"
"Do you realize you make the rest of us Southerners look bad?"
"You ain't a Southern! You're a God**** freak of nature!"
She pounced on him. As the security guards broke up the fight the audience chanted "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
"It seems the audience agrees with me." said Falwell. "They're chanting my name."
"Um, actually, Reverend Falwell," said Springer. "they were chanting my name.
"Oh, stuff it, you heathen Jew!" Falwell replied.
"I'll show you a **** heathen Jew!" Springer rushed the stage, his audience egging him on. Steve persuaded him not to go medieval on Falwell. Springer straightened himself. "Right. Reverend Stryker, care to voice your opinion?"
"I do not make opinions, I state facts." Stryker said calmly. "We have a prime example here of why mutants have no place in society. That 'girl', and I use the term loosely, attacked Mr. Rudner with little provocation."
"You wanna provoke me inta givin' you a ****ing knuckle sandwich, ****hole!?" Cyclops had to hold her back.
"You see what I mean? Not only are they tempermental, but they are capable of becoming more destructive than any human. Therefore, destruction or barring that, isolation is the only way to keep humanity safe."
"We have also invited to the show," said Springer. "Two mutants who oppose Xavier's plan for mutants to live in harmony with humans. Please welcome Mystique and Magneto." Nightcrawler booed while Rogue flipped the bird at the couple. "Let's start with Mystique. I understand you are related to a couple of Mr. Xavier's students."
"That's true, Jerry." she said. "Nightcrawler is my biological son and Rogue is my foster daughter."
"And why did you abandon them?"
"They just weren't evil enough." The audience booed. Her graphic read 'Mystique, claims children are not evil enough.' "Rogue showed some promise, but let's face it, she's the diet Coke of evil! Nightcrawler's worse! He's the skim milk of evil."
"Did you have to come out here dressed like a whore?" asked Nightcrawler. "Oh, wait, they said dress professionally." His graphic now read "Nightcrawler, Just called his mother a whore."
"You watch your **** mouth!"
"Whatever," Nightcrawler made the W sign and stood up and improvised a short dance. "It's my hot body, I do what I want!" His fan club enthusiastically agreed.
"Magneto," said Springer. "Do you have anything to add?"
"I have a confession." said Magneto. "Mystique, I've been sleeping with someone else."
"You were sleeping with Magneto?" Rogue injected. "You really are a ****ing slut!"
"Please welcome to the show," said Springer. "Mimi!" A blonde bombshell wearing several piercings and little else strutted on stage.Her graphic read "Mimi, Having an affair with Magneto". Mystique attacked Mimi and in the scuffle tore of 'his' wig.
"What the ****!" Magneto thundered.
"I have a confession, too, Eric." said Mimi. "I'm really a man." Magneto used his magnetism to rip out everyone of Mimi's piercings at once.
"What kinda ****ed up **** is that?" asked Rudner. Nightcrawler 'ported to the back of the stout klansman's chair and whipped off his white hood.
"I got your ha-at! I got your ha-at!" he sing-songed.
"Gimme my **** hood you little blue ****!"
"Catch, Rogue!" He threw it to her. Rogue teased Rudner with it befor tossing the hood to Spyke. The 3 played keep-away for a while, much to the audience's amusement. Spyke caught the hood again.
"Gimme my hood, you ****ed up N****!"
"Oh, no you didn't just call me that!" Spyke gave Rudner a spike to the family jewels. "Take that you cracker-headed ****!"
"And now for my final thought." said Springer, as Magneto hurled Xavier's wheelchair at Falwell (with Xavier still in it.) Is it moral to judge someone based on circumstances they have no control over? My answer is 'No ****ing way!' I encourage anyone who thinks they may have mutant powers to contact the Xavier Institute at the number below. Untill next time, take care of yourself, and each other." Jack scribbled down the number.
"Mum, Dad," he said tohis family. "I just saw this guy on the TV who can help Kelly."
Meanwhile, in Bayville, the X-Men were watching the tape of their experience on Springer. "You don't think the camera makes me look fat, do you?" Kurt joked.
"Hope no one was offended when I called Bubba a cracker-headed bastard." said Spyke.
"Aw, he asked for it." said Rogue.
"Watch!" said Kurt, toying with the remote. "When you hit 'rewind', it looks like Spyke's helping the klansman!"
The phone rang. Logan answered. "Xavier Institute, Where the Elite Meet to Defeat." He nodded. "Um-hum...Mind slowin' down a bit, Bub? I can barely understand ya...Uh-huh... Yeah, I can see how you might be upset about that...yeah...OK, can you get here by tomorrow afternoon?...Yes, he'll be here. Bring your kid with you...uh-huh. See you then, Mr. Osbourne."
"Who was that?" asked Rogue.
"Just a Newbie showing up tomorrow."
Rumors started flying in the X Mansion. "Do you think he was talking to Norman Osborn?" asked Scott, speaking of the millionare industrialist. "I hear he has a son."
"Hey," said Bobby. "Maybe he was talking to Ozzy!"
"Who?" asked Kurt.
"OK, what rock have you been living under?" Bobby joked. "Ozzy Osbourne is only the greatest rock star who ever lived! Just a sec." He put a video in the VCR. He cranked the volume up to the maximum level, making the whole house shake to the tune of "Iron Man." "This is back when Ozzy was in Black Sabbath."
"Oh, he's pretty!" said Kitty.
"Kitty," Bobby sighed. "Call the man good-looking if you want, but do not call him pretty!"
"I hear he likes biting the heads of animals." said Scott.
"Eew!" shuddered Kitty.
"Lots of people are prob'ly named Osbourne." said Rogue. "Don't mean they're famous."
Logan listened to "Iron Man" for as long as he could. "Why does this song make me think of Tony Stark?" he mused.
The next day, Professor Xavier tried to get his students to leave the drawing room where he met with the Osbournes. It was next to impossible. Mr. Osbourne was indeed Ozzy. Along with the normal curiosity directed towards Newbies, everyone wanted a look at the Prince of Darkness.
"I I I I don't know if you can help us, professor." said Ozzy. "I-it happens every damn time she fucking swears. The girl has a mouth like a fucking shithouse, you know? I don't know where the hell she gets it from."
"I-can't imagine." said Xavier, cocking an eyebrow. "Kelly, when did you first notice this phenomenon?"
"Well, sometimes when I'm upset I'll say a curse word. Before I blew up the telly, I noticed that every once in a while something would fall over or break when I said a bad word. My mates used to joke that it was God's way of tellin' me to clean up my language."
"Kelly," Xavier continued. "Here at the Institute..." He was interrupted by Rogue coming through.
"Oh, hi, hope I didn't interrupt anything." She was carrying a shopping bag. "I'm just goin' to my room. Hey, you the Newbie? My name's Rogue." she extended a gloved hand. "I love your outfit."
"Oh, thanks." said Kelly, shaking hands. "Yours is cool to. And I love your hair! How do you get it to streak like that?"
"Believe it or not, it's all natural." said Rogue, sitting next to her.
"Oh, you've been shopping?" Kelly saw her bag.
"Oh yeah, the local mall has a Fencer's gift shop. Got some new studs. Wanna see?"
"Ahem," said Xavier. "Rogue, I believe you were leaving?
"Can't she stay, Professor?" asked Kelly. She was already making a new friend.
"I suppose, if you don't mind." Xavier sighed and looked around the room. Kelly was between Rogue and Sharon on the couch. Ozzy had one armchair, Jack had the other, which Logan was leaning against. Xavier had the sneaking suspicion that some of his students where evesdropping in the hallway. He'd worry about that later. "As I was saying, Kelly, it would be a good idea to stay here at the Institute where you can learn to hone your skills."
"I don't know." shrugged Kelly. "It sounds cool and all, but I kinda wish I could just be a normal girl in Beverly Hills."
"Yeah, lot's of us wish we were normal." said Rogue. "But, wish in one hand, spit in the other."
Kelly laughed. "I never heard it put that way before!"
"I know it's a tough decision," said Logan. "But..."
Xavier got Logan's attention. He began the song cue to the tune of "Lovely Ladies" from Les Miserables.
XAAVIER:
I think Kelly
has a lot of fear
Still I think it would be good
If she could join us here
LOGAN:
Many mutants
don't know what they are
Some think it's a stigma
And they have to live with a scar
XAVIER:
At the Institute they can go far
LOGAN:
Many mutants
try to do what's right
Help those who are in trouble
even if it means a fight
Many mutants
Always here on call
Laser blasts or super strength
Looks like we have it all
XAVIER:
Someone's lurking just outside the hall.
(Sure enough, a few students are trying to eavesdrop on them.)
SHARON:
Listen my dear,
It happens each time you swear
You make things explode
KELLY:
Mum, quit making such a fuss
SHARON:
You'll be near New York
KELLY:
But moving is such a pain
SHARON:
I think you'd get a good education here,
but it's up to you
KELLY (Whispered)
Logan is weird
SHARON:
That's not my fault
KELLY:
Can I bring Puss?
SHARON:
Ask Professor X
My dear, I know this is complex
LOGAN:
Many mutants
feel they're in the dark
Whether they can read minds
or grow spines or give off sparks
ROGUE:
TK, TP
Anything, my dear
We've got all sorts of people living 'round here
Just remember, hands off Logan's beer!
OZZY:
What's the big deal?
Sounds like you got a free meal
Don't speak of doom, looks like they'll treat you well here
You'll have your own room
KELLY:
Big whoop, I got that at home.
OZZY:
Let's make a deal. I'll give you a Mercedes
for your birthday
KELLY:
A brand new car!
OZZY:
Just think of that
KELLY:
What can I do? A brand new car
A Mercedes can take me far!
LOGAN:
Many mutants
start out feeling sad
Wasn't here 3 minutes
She got a bribe from her dad
Many mutants
feel like they're a freak
If it weren't for Charley here
they'd be up a creek
Come on, Kelly
we can't wait all week!
(Jean, Kitty & Scott are lurking in the doorway. Kurt 'ports behind them.)
KURT:
Give me the dirt,
Who's that girl over there?
KITTY:
Keep quiet, Kurt
I think she dyes her hair
JEAN:
She's got a dad
bit the head off a bat
SCOTT:
From what I hear
She has a pet cat
LOGAN:
(Catches them)
Many mutants like to take up spying,
Many mutants!
ROGUE:
Come on, dearie, why all the fuss?
You're no grander than the rest of us
At the Institute you can make lots of friends
Join your sisters
KITTY:
Save the world on weekends
ROGUE:
That's right, dearie
you can do a lot.
JEAN:
That's right, dearie
Just keep your hands off Scott.
MUTANTS:
Robbers, muggers, take 'em as they come
Maniacs, computer hacks and every kind of scum
SCOTT:
Bad men, mad men, they can eat our dust
One time Jean and I saved a bunch of kids on a bus
You cause explosions every time you cuss!
MUTANTS:
Many mutants
Think they're going wrong
Take it away, Kelly
This is the end of the song
KELLY:
OK, Daddy, what've I to lose?
You made me an offer
That I simply can't refuse
With these powers
It looks like I'm stuck
Just as well, I guess that is my kinda luck
Don't you know
That I really just don't give a____
EVERYONE:
NO!
"May I suggest a trial stay?" asked Xavier. "Kelly, you can stay here a week before you make up your mind. Your family can stay if they wish."
"You don't really need me here." said Jack. "I'll just grab a jet home."
"Oh no you won't." said Sharon. "You're staying with us."
"But Mum! There's a party at Rick's place!"
"Where there will undoubtedly be drinking and pot smoking."
"Mum, all my friends do it!"
"And if all your friends wanted to jump off a pier, would you...oh, wait, I suppose you would."
"Whatever." Jack left the room in a huff. Scott caught up with him.
"Hi, my name's Scott. You're Jack, right?"
"Yeah."
"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Mrs. Osbourne. I know it's none of my business, but I think you're very lucky to have a mom who cares about you."
"She has to understand, it's my life. I make my own choices."
"I'm all for that, to, Jack. But, your mom has seen your dad through his problems with drugs and alcohol. She probably doesn't want you to go through what he went through."
"You don't understand." Jack lamented having Sharon as a mother in a song set to the Beatles' "Let It Be".
JACK:
Not a day goes by when
Mother Sharon ain't naggin' me
Nag on till tomorrow
Let me be
One day she went through my room
Found my bottle of Jack D
She took it and filled it
Full of pee
Let me be, let me be
Let me be, Mum, let me be
My life's a livin' hell
Let me be
Throws ham at the neighbors
Mother Sharon on MTV
Its so embarassing
Let me be
Always takes Kelly shopping
That's my fucked up family
I love 'em but I wish
She'd let me be
Let me be, let me be
Let me be, Mum, let me be
Dad says they're fucking mad
Let me be
"Professor," said Kelly. "Is it OK if my cat stays here? I mean, if I choose to stay."
"Well," smiled Xavier. "I'm letting Kitty raise a dragon, so why not?"
"A- dragon?" asked Kelly, not sure she heard right.
"Just a little one." said Kitty.
"Splendid." said Sharon. "I'll call Melinda and have her send Puss overnight express. Maybe I'll have her send Minnie, I miss her so much. And maybe Jack's attitude will improve if he has Lola to keep him company."
"W-why don't you send for for the whole bleedin' menagerie?" Ozzy suggested.
"Oh, Ozzy, it's only 3 of them. The chins can't stand to be away from home and you know Crazy Baby gets nervous about flying. Come to think of it, he's nervous about everything."
"Mother of Christ, Sharon!"
"Nope, just Jack and Kelly." she replied.
Kitty and Kurt introduced Kelly to Lockheed. "You say he's a real dragon?" Lockheed rolled over so she could pet his scaly stomache.
"We can't think of anything else he might be." Kitty shrugged. "He's friendly and smart. Kurt and I take him to the dog park whenever we can."
"Um, don't people think it's weird that you have a baby dragon?"
"Professor X made an image inducer for him. It looks like an ordinary dog collar and when switched on, it makes Lockheed look like a beagle. We just have to make sure he doesn't try to fly or anything."
"I'm wearing an image inducer myself." said Kurt, displaying his watch.
"So, you really don't look like Keanu Reeves?"
"You really think I look like Keanu Reeves?" Kurt briefly entertained himself with a daydream of saving the world in a leather duster and cool shades. "Ok, Kelly, I'll show you what I really look like- if you promise not to scream."
"I won't scream. You can't be that bad looking." Kurt turned off the inducer. She didn't scream, but she did jump a little.
"Hey, Kurt." said Kitty, hoping to change the subject. "Show Kelly that trick you taught him."
"Lockheed," Kurt got the dragon's attention. He pointed at him. "Bang!" Lockheed stood straight up and keeled over, as if dead. "Good dragon!" He gave Lockheed a pat on the head. Lockheed gave him a slurpy kiss.
Ozzy came into the hallway to see his daughter, another girl and a blue demon playing with a little purple dragon. "SHARON!" he yelled. "I'm hallucinatin' again!"
"No, you're not, Ozzy." she said calmly. "I see it to. Now come along."
The doorbell rang. Storm answered. "Kitty, Lance is here." she said. Kitty lept to her feet and went to the living room. Lockheed followed on her heels. Kurt pouted.
"Hey, Kit." said Lance. "How 'bout a movie?" Lockheed sniffed around Lance and growled at him. "You still have that creepy little thing?"
"He's not creepy! His name is Lockheed. Can't you try to get along with him?"
Lance sighed. Girls and their pets. Well if I wanna stay in her good graces, I gotta make nice with the lizard. "Here, Lockheed," he said, kneeling down and reaching out. "Good boy." Lockheed bared his teeth and let out a puff of smoke. Kurt watched from the doorframe, hoping Lockheed would just take a bite. "It's no use! He just doesn't like me!" Smart dragon, thought Kurt. "So, you wanna go or what?" Say no. thought Kurt. Say no, say no, say no.
"Sure, OK." said Kitty.
After they left, Kurt leaned against the wall and looked like he wanted to hit something.
"You like her, huh?" asked Kelly.
"What makes you say that?"
"It was pretty obvious. Kurt, what you need to do is stop mooning over her and get your own girlfriend."
"I tried that. Twice. The first girl treated me like a pet, the other one broke up with me because her parents hated me."
"I know what that's like. I usually bring home stoner rock and roll freaks with hair longer than mine."
"You want a boy just like dear old Dad, ja?" he teased.
"No! That's not funny!" she laughed. Rogue came in.
"Hey, Kelly, I was thinkin'," she said. "Why don't I show you where Fencer's is? The Bayville Mall isn't that big, and Fencer's is probably the coolest place there is."
"No it isn't." piped up Jamie, walking in on the conversation. "Ali Baba's Palace is."
"If you like havin' grand mal seizures." said Rogue.
"You just don't like video games." Jamie described Ali Baba's Palace in a song set to "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables
JAMIE:
There is an arcade at the mall
I like to go there on Saturday
There's lots of games for me to play
There at the arcade at the mall
It is a room full of machines
It is the game room of my dreams
I play five at once-I've played them all
There at the arcade at the mall
There is a machine decked in lights
The game is called "Bloody Punch Fight"
It's fun to play
It has lots of gore
It says "Jamie, you got the highest score."
I know a place with crane machines
I know a place that sells tokens
Today I will play pinball
There at the arcade at the mall.
"I need to get out of the house myself." said Kurt. "I'll drive." Kurt drove the station wagon to the Bayville mall with Kelly, Rogue and Jamie.
Ali Baba's Palace was right past the front doors of the mall. Jamie and Kurt stocked up on tokens. Jamie went for the Pod Racer. Kurt went for Dance Dance Revolution. "Let's leave the boys here." said Rogue. "Fencer's is just around the corner from Junk Food Ally."
Rogue and Kelly spent almost an hour looking at things in Fencer's. "I like this poster." said Kelly. "Beer: Helping White Guys Dance Since 1821."
"I should get that for Logan sometime."
"Heavy drinker?"
"Yeah, but his mutation keeps him from gettin' drunker than cooter."
"Drunker than cooter...I like that!"
They left Fencer's after Kelly bought a pair of flaming skull earrings. Rogue gave Kelly a quick tour of the Bayville Mall, stopping at Egads! clothing and Stables & King books. They returned to Junk Food Ally.
"Kelly," said Rogue. "You kinda remind me of this friend I useta have. Her name was Risty. She was British, wore cool clothes and dyed her hair purple."
"So what happened to her?"
"Turned out to be my damned foster mom in disguise."
"Don't you hate it when that happens?"
Rogue laughed. She thought she would always be bitter about Mystique's subterfuge. Kelly helped her see the funny side of it. "You wanna get something from Subway?"
"Sure." They got in line. Kurt was there. "Hi, Kurt." said Kelly. "Feelin' better?"
"Ja, just refueling."
"Jamie still Pod Racin'?" asked Rogue.
"Nein, he was trying his luck at the crane last time I saw him."
They got a table together and ate and talked. Kurt had just finished his sandwich when he saw the last thing he wanted to see. "Great, Lance and the Goon Squad are approaching."
"Hey, X-Freaks." said Lance, leaning on their table. "How's it goin'? Hey, you're new." Lance winked at Kelly.
"You keep the hell away from her!" said Rogue.
"Whoa, sorry!" Lance mocked. "So which one of you plays the man?"
"Fuck off, turd brain!" said Kelly. Lance suddenly found himself flat on his back. The new girl hadn't even touched him.
"Oh, you wanna play like that?" The ground started to shake.
"Lance, Kelly," Kurt warned. "We're in public." Sure enough, other mall patrons had started to stare. "And Lance, weren't you supposed to be at the movies with Kitty?"
"One word. Prude."
"You watch what you say about her!" Rogue had to hold him back.
Jamie came out of Ali Baba's Palace a little sad. He still hadn't figured out how to work the crane machine. He saw his friends surrounded by four members of the Brotherhood. He ran to help them. Pietro saw the young mutant approaching. He raced over and tripped him. The Brotherhood laughed.
"Leave him alone!" said Kurt. "You wanna fight? Fine. Outside, by the Dumpster."
The eight young people met outside for the brawl. It was nearly sunset. Somehow, rumble music started playing in the back ground. The two groups didn't immediatly duke it out. For some reason, they spent a long time circling each other, snapping fingers and exchanging baleful glances. It would look like someone threw a punch, but the other darted out of the way.
"Just like we practiced!" Lance told his boys. They nodded and chanted in unison: "Tough guy, tough guy, pirouette. Tough guy, tough guy, pirouette!" Blob shook the ground with every pirouette.
It was going down. Jamie split into five and started attacking Pietro from every direction. Kurt tackled Lance and started laying into him. Blob would've crushed Kelly if she hadn't yelled "Fuck!" The shockwave was just strong enough to knock the behemouth off her. Toad tried to take Rogue from behind. He jumped on her back. He had her on the ground. She gave him a fierce look as she tried to kick him off. Whoa, he thought. She ain't bad lookin'. Kurt's fist in his jaw broke into his thoughts. Kurt was just taking his anger out on Toad when the sound of sirens filled the air. "Scatter!" shouted Jamie. He ran off into five different directions. Rogue sprinted off into the wooded area. Kurt grabbed Kelly and 'ported away. The Brotherhood scattered anywhere they could.
Kurt and Kelly were back in the station wagon. "How did we...?" asked Kelly.
"My mutation." said Kurt. "I can teleport."
"Nice to know you can do something besides be cute and furry."
"You think I'm cute?"
"What about the others? The cops, shit!" The rearview mirror broke. "Sorry." Kurt shrugged it off. "Mum and Dad said if I get in trouble with the cops again, they'll hand my ass to me!" The other mirror broke. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Mutant powers are a little hard to deal with at first, ja?"
"Ja, uh-yes."
"Kelly, we'll just wait it out a while then I'll 'port back and start looking for Jamie and Rogue."
"I don't know if I can do this." Kelly said after a while. "Dad's right, I have a mouth like a sh-uh-an outhouse. And everytime I say something not Y7, something gets destroyed!"
"Maybe if you tried other words." Kurt suggested. "Try saying 'fricken'."
"Fricken." Nothing happened.
"Now try 'Luder'."
"Luder? Sounds like a cough drop."
"OK, now try 'Arshe'."
"I think I know what that word means." she smiled.
"Congradulations, Kelly. You just learned 3 words of German, and you're the first girl I ever talked dirty to."
While Kurt was teaching Kelly to cuss in German, Rogue was hiding in the woods. She watched the police cruiser from a safe distance. She wondered how long "Bayville's Finest" would linger. She decided to slip off further into the woods. She froze when she heard rustling in the bushes, accompanied by pained mumbles that she recognized as Toad's.
"You can stop tryin' to sneak up on me, Toad." she said. "I hear ya."
"I ain't sneakin'." said Toad, limping out in the open. He sat under a tree. "The pigs still here?"
"I saw 'em. They might get bored lookin' after a while and go get some donuts or whatever." She noticed him rubbing his left foot. "Hey, what happened to your foot?"
"Wagner's what happened." he said ruefully. He pronounced Wagner phonetically. "Little son of a bitch twisted my ankle. I can barely walk, let alone hop." Aw, geeze, Tolensky. he told himself. Why'd you go and tell her that?
"The name's pronounced 'Vawgner'." she said. "And don't call him a son of a bitch."
"Why? Mystique kinda is a bitch."
"You got me there." She sat next to him. "He once told me his last name was the same as a German composer. The guy who wrote 'Ride of the Valkeries'."
"I don't know squat 'bout opera."
Rogue smiled. "It's better known as 'Kill the Wabbit'."
"Oh, yeah," A glimmer of recognition came to Toad's eyes. "Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit!" He winced.
"Let me see your foot." she offered.
"No, that's OK, really." he shied back.
"I'm just tryin' to help." She took off his sneaker and wished she hadn't. The smell would gag a maggot.
"Don't say I didn't warn yas." Toad smirked.
Rogue waved the stench away. "Take yer sock off." she said.
"You still wanna help me?"
"The smell's bad, but it's probably nothing compared to the pain you're in."
"I can take pain, Rogue." Been takin' it all my life. he mentally added.
Rogue looked over the swolen foot. "OK, it ain't broke, but you got a pretty bad sprain. Wish Bobby or Storm was here. We'd have some ice." She stood up. "The cops are probably gone by now. I'll get some ice from Junk Food Ally."
"Junk Food Ally?"
"Kitty's nickname for the food court. Don't go nowhere."
"Like I got a choice?"
She's probably gone for good. he told himself after she left. Lance probably took off in the jeep. Pietro don't need a car to get anywhere and Blob-well- he's been known to go missin' a few days. Always comes back, askin' what's for dinner. Guess I could limp back to the parking lot and hotwire something.
He was about to struggle to his feet and do just that when Rogue returned. "Didn't take to long, did I?" she asked, giving him a paper cup full of ice. He winced as he placed it against his swolen ankle. "I stopped at Uncle Andy's and bought a couple of pretzles. Want one?"
"Uh, thanks." he said, taking one of the soft pretzles. He actually was a little hungry. Why is she bein' so nice to me?
"So," she said after an awkward silence. "Whatcha been up to?"
"You probably heard Pietro's long lost sister is back in town." Toad broke off another piece of pretzle. "Her name's Wanda. She's a real hottie. I've been tryin' to get her to go out with me. She-uh-isn't as nice as you are."
"I ain't nice."
"Yeah you are. You're helpin' me when most people woulda just left me for dead."
"I'm helpin' ya 'cuz it's what any decent person would do."
"I'm probably gonna stop buggin' Wanda. This whole Pepe LePew act is getting tired."
"You know your WB cartoons pretty well."
"What can I say?" he shrugged. "TV was my baby sitter. What about you? You gotta boyfriend?"
"Nope. Reasons are pretty obvious. I've been playin' the Pepe LePew game with Scott. Maybe not quite that blatent with it. There's also this guy named Remy who seems to like me, but he's in and out so much, I don't really know how to feel about him."
"Let's not talk about boyfriends and girlfriends." Toad could see she hated the subject as much as he did. "Let's go back to cartoons. Pop quiz: what was the name of the cat Pepe LePew was always chasing?"
"Fifi?" Rogue guessed.
"Close. That was the name of the skunk on Tiny Toon Adventures. The cat from the orriginal cartoons was named Penelope. Was there a cartoon based on the Rubik Cube, or am I just crazy?"
"You ain't crazy. I sorta remember a cartoon like that. It sucked. Pop Quiz: What was Ms Pac-Man's name?"
"Ain't that kinda like askin' 'Where is the Great Wall of China?'"
"It was Pepper."
"I think my favorite one was Beetlejuice. That was a guy I could identify with."
"Really? I always identified with Lydia. Especially the movie version."
"Wasn't that a great movie? My favorite scene is where they're all dancing around the table goin' 'Day-O! Day-ay-O!'"
"That's my favorite scene too!"
Toad looked into Rogue's eyes and said "I hated the Smurfs."
"So did I." she answered.
"Ain't it great that we hate the same things?" He looked around. "Gettin' dark, ain't it?"
"How's your foot?"
"Still kinda sore. Not as bad as it was."
"Let me see." She took a look at his foot. "Swelling's gone down. Need to get something to support it." She took off her boots and removed the knee socks she had been wearing.
"Uh, what are you doing?" She said nothing, but twisted the socks into a long thick tube and used it to support his ankle. She used the laces from her boots to tie it in place. "Not to tight is it?"
"Nah. You're pretty good at this sorta thing."
"Logan's good at teaching first aid."
She heard Kurt and Jamie calling for her. "Over here!" Rogue called back.
Kurt came out in the open with Jamie in tow. "Sorry we took so long. Had to find Jamie's duplicates."
"Kurt, Todd got hurt pretty bad. Let's give him a ride to the boardinghouse."
"Rogue," he sighed.
"Pretty please, bestest brother in the whole wide world?"
Kurt growled. He agreed to give Todd a lift, but grumbled swear words in German the whole way.
In the car, Todd got a better look at Kelly. "Haven't seen you before." he said. "Name's Todd Tolensky, better known as Toad. What's your name?"
"Kelly Osbourne." she said, trying to pretend this boy's smell wasn't making her gag.
"Any relation to..."
"He's my dad."
"Cool! Does Ozzy give out autographs?"
"Usually, only at concerts."
"We're here." said Kurt. "Get out."
"And a pleasant evening to you to!"
"Todd," said Rogue. "Keep it elevated and apply heat to it later."
"Thanks." He hobbled into the house, gave Lance a story about having to hitch-hike back and limped up to his room. He layed down on his bed and propped a few pillows under his sore foot. He tried reading one of his horror comics, but just couldn't concentrate. He kept thinking about Rogue. He looked at the foot bandaged with her knee socks. Socks that had been against her calves all day. Why did thinking about Rogue's legs make him go all shivery? Why was she so nice to him? He wondered if he would've done the same for her, and was ashamed to admit that he didn't know. Where did I go wrong? he asked himself. He summed everything up in a song set to "What Have I Done?" from Les Miserables.
TODD:
What's going on?
Aw crud, what's going on?
The cops were there, I was hurt
I found out my friends were gone
Never knew girls could be nice
At least not to toads like me
Rogue was the last person I thought I'd see
Playing Good Samaritain for this toad
Now I'm thinking, my brain is on overload
If there's another way to go
I missed it sixteen long years ago
My life was a slave that could never be free
They called me "animal" and murdered Tolensky
Being a mutant was my only crime
Just for having a mouth full of slime
Yet why did I allow that girl
To touch my soul and teach me love?
She treated me like any other
She gave me a lift
Home with her brother
We ate pretzles, spoke of cartoons
Can such things be?
For I had come to hate the world
The world that always hated me
Take an eye for an eye!
Turn your heart into stone!
This is all I have lived for!
This is all I have known!
She gave me comfort for my pain
Used her socks to tie up my sprain
Anyone else would've left me there
Is this what it's like to call someone friend?
She showed me that I have a soul
How did she know?
And I wonder while I'm on the mend
Is there another way to go?
I am reaching, but I fall
Don't know how long I can last
As I stare into the void
Of the pain that was my past
I'll escape now from that world
From the world of Tolensky
Rogue has replaced Wanda now
I think I fall in love to fast!
Todd pulled a couple of things out from under his bed. One was a stuffed toy he had planned to give Wanda for her birthday. She'll never miss it. He reminded himself. Then he got out a tattered notebook. He had some letters to write.
The next day, a delivery van came to the mansion with 3 live animal shipments for Sharon Osbourne. "Oh, Minnie, Minnie Minnie!" she squealed, taking a fluffy blonde pomeranian out of the traveling cage. "Did you miss Mummy?"
"Mum, that is so pathetic." said Jack, as he scratched a brindle bulldog's ears.
"Oh, remember, Jack," she said. "We're in someone else's house, so take Lola outside. A lot. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Mum."
Kelly sat on the couch with a fluffy Siamese in her lap. "So, that's your little pet?" asked Kurt.
"Yep." said Kelly, running her fingers through the cat's fur. "Her name is Puss. Would you like to pet my Pussy, Kurt?"
Kurt grinned mischiviously and opened his mouth to say something. Kitty clamped a hand over his mouth. "Don't say it." she warned. He mumbled something behind her hand. "Forget it, Carson beat you to it."
"No he didn't." Kurt took her hand away. "People just think he said it. By the way, we met up with Lance and company last night. Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Kitty sighed. "I honestly thought we were going to see a movie. I've been waiting a while to see Chicago. All through the movie he kept trying to feel me up. He told me I could walk home."
"Sounds like a first class jerk." said Kelly. "Woulda kneed him in the bullocks if I were you." The coffe table collapsed. "C'mon, that wasn't a real bad word!" She said to no one in particular. "Look, I've been wanting to see Chicago too. We can see it together. If Rogue wants to come we can make it a ladys' night."
Scott came in with an envelope. "Kurt, someone pinned a note on the door and addressed it to you." He gave him the note. "Is that your cat, Kelly?"
"Her name is Puss."
Scott sighed heavily. "I've seen Are You Being Served, I know what's coming."
"Nightcrawler," Kurt read his letter aloud. "Meet me at the Dumpster behind the mall at noon and come alone. Signed Toad. Sounds like he wants a rematch."
"Smells like a trap." said Scott.
Kurt shrugged. "What can they do? As soon as one of them grabs me, I'll just 'port somewhere out of the way."
"Well, use your own discretion."
At noon, Kurt met Todd behind the mall. "You really want to fight, Tolensky?" he asked, getting into stance. "You're not so tough without your boys to back you up."
"I don't need them for this." Todd calmly replied.
"Pretty confident, aren't you?"
"Confident enough to give you this." Todd tossed something to Kurt he had been hiding behind his back. Kurt ducked out of the way. The projectile appeared to be a small green stuffed toy. Kurt cautiously picked it up. "What is this?"
"It's Kermit the Frog. Don't they get The Muppet Show in Germany?"
"I know what it is! And you can take it back; it's not my style."
"I'm not giving it to you, Fuzznuts! I want you to give it to Rogue for me."
Todd suddenly found his back pinned to the Dumpster by the furry blue mutant. "You'd better not be playing games with my sister's heart!" he growled.
"Whoa, chill, yo." said Todd. "I ain't playin'. I don't even know how to play games like that." And I'll probably never learn. he mentally added. "Look, this is the only favor I'll ever ask of you. Give her Kermit and this letter." He fished a letter out of his pocket. Kurt let him go and took it. "And if I find out you read that note before she could, you are so fucking dead meat!"
"Why, Toad, I never fuck meat. Dead or otherwise."
"I hate you so much."
"I am so glad."
As they came out from behind the mall they saw a huge gathering of people. A camera crew for every news station in the county was there. The center of attention was none other than Reverend Stryker, flocked by a white robed choir bearing tamborines. "Good people of Bayville," Stryker was orating. "I stand here before you to reveal a shameful truth about this fine city. In this town is a house for God's rejects. I am talking of the Xavier Institute for the Gifted. This house should be properly called an Institute for the Cursed! An Institute of the Befallen! An Institute of the Damned! For this institute is a haven for monsterous creatures called mutants and the proprieter of this place is a man known only as Charles Xavier. Now it is written in Revelations that the beast shall rise again! Brothers and sisters, Charles Xavier is none other that the anti-Christ himself! And thes 'mutants' are but his pawns for a massive world take over! Well, this has got to stop! Now I know I'm on TV so I'll be as delicate as I can and God forgive me but..."
Stryker sang to the tune of "Texas Has a Whorehouse in It" from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
STRYKER:
Bayville has some mutants in it!
CHOIR:
Lord have mercy on our souls!
STRYKER:
Bayville has some mutants in it!
CHOIR:
Lord have mercy on our souls!
STRYKER:
I'll expose the facts although it fills me with disgust
I'll tell you of thes dangerous heathens because I must
CHOIR:
Tells of these dangerous heathens 'cuz he must!
STRYKER:
Mutants trainin' on inside it
Don't you see they've gone plum wild?
I inquired, no one denied it
Now I think I'm gettin' riled!
Their plot for world take over is now being arranged
Honing their powers day and night; that's very strange!
CHOIR:
Honing powers, that's very strange!
STRYKER:
Laser eyed, spike throwing, blue furred, sharp clawed freaks of nature!
CHOIR:
Oh no!
STRYKER:
Mixin' with telekinetic, body drainin' slanterns!
CHOIR:
Oh no!
STRYKER:
Not to mention some types that you never guess would ever exist
And every single one of them is high on my list!
(Spoken)
Let's hear it from the William Stryker Holy Choir!
CHOIR:
Bayville has some mutants in it
Lord have mercy on our souls!
Stop all this mutation
STRYKER:
It must stop!
CHOIR:
Bayville has some mutants in it
Lord have mercy on our souls!
Stop all this mutation....
Stryker danced a bit of softshoe as his choir sang. Todd and Kurt slowly backed away from the zealot and his followers. Meanwhile, people all over Bayville watched the broadcast and had different reactions. "Crap!" said Kitty back at the Institute. "They're talking about us!" The Brotherhood slapped high fives all around. "Hah! I knew it!" said principal Kelly. Mr. Sefton clapped his hands over Amanda's ears. "Doreen! Get me my heart pills!" cried an old man who had been watching television. Even the Morlocks saw the broadcast from the TVs on display at Radio Shack.
Kurt drove as quickly as he could back to the Institute. "Professor," he gasped. "Reverend Stryker is..."
"We saw the broadcast, Kurt." said Xavier. "Unfortunatly, all Stryker is doing is exercising his 1st Amendment rights. Until he takes action, there is nothing we can do."
"Still'd like to gut him open." Logan growled.
"Oh, Rogue, here." He gave her the stuffed Kermit.
"What brought this on?" she asked, giving the toy a quizzical look.
"Toad wanted me to give it to you for him. All this time I think he wants a fight, he just wants me to be the delivery boy. Oh, he also wanted you to have this note." He gave her a somewhat crumpled envelope.
"What's it say? What's it say?" asked Jubilee, trying to get a look at the note.
"I don't know." said Kurt. "Toad said I was, quote, 'fucking dead meat' if I read it."
Rogue took the letter up to her room, determined to read it in privacy. She left Kermit on the couch. Kurt sat down and contemplated using Kermit as a voodoo doll. He hummed a bit of "Bayville Has Some Mutants In It". Everyone glared at him. "Was? It's a catchy tune!"
Rogue got to her room and closed the door. She sat on her bed, tore open the envelope and started reading. She was expecting a terse thank you note. That itself would be more than she expected from Todd Tolensky. She didn't expect a poem that could follow the melody of "Amneris' Letter" from Aida.
TODD (V/O)
I'm thinking about all we've said
And about some things I thought I never knew
Some things can get so complicated
Those moments together just flew
I wish that our lives could be simple
No, I don't want the world- only you
Oh, I wish I could tell you this face to face
But there's never the time, never the place
Oh, this letter will have to do....
Rogue felt that something was just hanging, as if he forgot to add the last line. She kept reading.
Well, Rogue, now you know my dirty little secret. I write poetry sometimes. Never anything good, just any crap that gets
into my skull. I hope you like the stuffed Kermit I got you. A frog from a toad. Fitting. Time to get to the point, I guess.
I want you to meet me on the roof of the high school at midnight. I'll tell you everything there.
Todd
Rogue had to reread the letter. Did Todd "Toad" Tolensky send her a love letter? No, more like an 'I'm-confused-about-how-I-feel-and-don't-know-how-to-say-it" letter. She remembered the long talk about nothing they had out in the woods. She had forgotten that he was Brotherhood, an enemy. He was fun to talk to once you got him in good mood and got over the smell. She hadn't got to know him well during her brief stint with the Brotherhood. He perferred to keep to himself, much as she kept to herself. She thought of their talk again. She remembered that he smiled a few times in spite of his pain. His smile was quite nice, if a bit crooked. At least, it was an improvment over his usual scowl. Whoa, wait a minute. She thought. You're thinking about how some guy looks when he smiles? You're starting to think like Kitty! She was also thinking about taking him up on his invitation.
Later that night, Rogue freshened up her make-up and put on a black leather dress (like she had any others). She acceserized with a black silk scarf with white polka dots, black opera gloves and a flouncy black lace overskirt. She had planned to sneak out and walk to the school, but found Jean, Jubilee and Kitty barring the front door. "And where are you going at this hour?" asked Jubilee.
"Where you're not." Rogue retorted.
"C'mon, Rogue," said Kitty. "Toad was sweet to give you the stuffed toy. And you're slipping out to see him. How romantic!"
"You don't think he's cute, do you?" asked Jubilee. "I think he's kinda freaky."
"It ain't none of y'all's business. Jean, tell 'em to leave me alone."
"Rogue," Jean sighed. "I don't know if it's such a good idea for you to go out all by yourself. Especially to meet some guy."
"Jean, remember who yer talkin' to. Someone gives me trouble, I'll just sap 'em."
Kelly came in with a few snacks. "Hey, Rogue." she said. "Goin' to a party or something?"
"Oh, yeah," said Jubilee. "She's gonna par-tay!"
"There's no way I can talk ya'll into not followin' me, is there?" The four girls shook their heads. "Fine. Jean, could you drive? I think I'm gonna need your help anyway. He wants us to meet on the roof of the school."
"Rogue and Toad sittin' in a tree!" sang Jubilee.
"Shaddap." Rogue growled.
They came to the school. "Alright, Jean," said Rogue. "Gimme a boost." Jean turned on her TK and lifted Rogue to the school's roof.
Todd leaned against the toolshed on the school's roof, twirling a rose he had picked off a bush between his fingers. He checked his watch for the umpteenth time. It was midnight. Was she coming? Had he picked an OK spot? The school was closed for the summer and to late, he realized she couldn't jump like him. He was just about to turn around and forget the whole thing when he saw Rogue rising above the roof. "Rogue, how did you..."
"Got a lift from a friend." She went to the edge of the building and yelled "And she was just leaving!"
"Let's go." said Jean.
"You can go if you want." said Jubilee. "I wanna see how this plays out!" She shimmied up a nearby tree.
"God, you look good." Todd sighed. "Um, I got you this." He gave her the rose.
"Thanks." She took it and tucked it behind her ear. "Todd, um..." she suddenly noticed that he didn't smell as bad as usual. "You smell nice."
He blushed. "Took my annual shower. And borrowed a splash of Lance's cologne."
"How's your foot?"
"Great. I heal pretty quick." He shuffled uneasily. "Rogue, I was thinking about how we talked yesterday in the woods. I-I want more of that. I like you a lot and-and well, since neither of us is seein' anyone..."
"Todd," she sighed. "Yer gonna get bored with talkin'. Trust me, they always do. Yer gonna want more. Yer gonna, want something I can't give you."
"Rogue, all I want is, well, you. I know this is pretty sudden, but..." he struggled with words. "If you want me to leave you alone, I will."
"Todd, I'm as sick of bein' alone as you are." She put her arms around him and squeezed. They didn't know they had an audience.
"How sweet!" Jubilee whispered. "They're hugging!"
"He's not hugging back." whispered Kitty.
"Hey, make some room for me!" Kelly tried in vain to find a comfortable spot on the branch.
Todd was dazed. Wow, she's holding me. I can't remember if I've ever been held before. Mom never was the affectionate type. Oh God, my face is right in her boobies! Musn't nuzzle, mustn't nuzzle...She took his arms and put them around her waist. Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to hug her back. "Rogue," he whispered.
"Call me Marie." she whispered in his ear.
"What are they saying?" Jubilee strained to hear the whispers.
"Jubilee! Don't shake the branch!" hissed Kitty.
"Think they're gonna bump uglies?" mused Kelly.
"Marie," he whispered.
"Todd, that poem you wrote for me. I had a feeling there was more you wanted to add. Don't ask me how I know."
"I wrote another one for you."
"Do you have it?"
"No, but I remember it." He broke their embrace and tried to remember the words. "It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide."
"More, Todd, more!"
"I don't have much money but, boy if I did, I'd buy a big house where we -where we both could live. Is this OK?"
"This is exactly what I want, Todd."
"If I was a sculptor, but then again, no," He struggled to remember the words. "Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do." Suddenly, he burst into song, as all the lights in Bayville turned on and their spies stopped struggling in the tree.
TODD:
My gift is my song
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well some of these verses well they got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on
So excuse me for forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue!
So anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen!
(He takes her in his arms. Oddly enough, the man in the moon sings Italian opera. Glitter rain starts to fall courtesy of Jubilee. Todd takes a pink umbrella out of nowhere and dances with it as he sings.)
And you can tell everybody
This is your song!
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
(The 3 girls in the tree laugh. Rogue twirls into Todd's arms, her skirt flaring)
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world!
(The man in the moon continues to sing as Todd dips Rogue. Jubilee hangs from a branch by her knees and smiles at the new couple.)
tbc
Song credits are as follows. (Don't sue me!) Caberet belongs to John Kander & Fred Eff. The Sound of Music belongs to Richard Rogers & Oscar Hammerstein II. Les Miserables belongs to Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg & Herbert Kretzmer. "Let it Be" belongs to John Lennon & Paul McCartney. West Side Story belongs to Stephen Soundheim & Leonard Bernstein. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas belongs to Carol Hall. Aida belongs to Elton John and Tim Rice. Sir Elton and partner in music Bernie Taupin own "Your Song". The style is a parody of a scene from Moulin Rouge, property of 20th Century Fox.
I don't own the X-Men, they belong to Marvel. I don't own the Osbournes, they belong to themselves. I don't own Jerry Springer nor do I want to. Credits for all song parodies will be at the end. That out of the way, on with the show!
(The first scene is a darkened stage. The song "Willkomen" from Cabaret begins to play. Kurt comes onstage in evening wear and twirling a cane. He sings the opening number)
KURT:
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!
Fremde, etranger, stranger.
Gluklich zu sehen, je suis enchante
Happy to see you, bleibe, reste, stay.
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
(Spoken)
Meine Damen und Herren, Mesdames et Messieurs,
Ladies and Gentlemen! Guden Abend, bon soir,
good evening! We geht's? Comment ca va?
Do you feel good? I bet you do!
Ich bin euer Confrecier, Je suis votre compere,
I am your host!
(As he sings, he peels off his dinner jacket and throws it into the audience. The ladies in Kurt's fan club tear each other up to get it.)
Und sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
(Spoken)
Leave your troubles outside!
So- Life is disapointing? Forget it!
We have no troubles here, unless you count the angst
of being a teenaged mutant. But, life is beautiful.
The girls are beautiful.
Even the orchestra is beautiful!
(A curtain parts to reveal the "Orchestra", actually the Brotherhood dressed in drag and playing various instruments.)
You see? I told you the orchestra is beautiful!
And now, presenting the X Mansion girls! (As he introduces each one, she comes on stage wearing a costume that looks like something she just threw on-and damned near missed.) Storm! Storm is so called because of her Stormy nature. Rogue! Oh, you like Rogue? Well, to bad! So does Storm. (They both shoot him a look that says "In your dreams!") Jubilee! You know, I like to order Jubilee on the side. On your side, Jubilee! (She prepares to hurl a spark at him.) Just kidding! Rahne! Yes, Rahne is from Scotland! But she is a very cunning linguist! Jean! (Jean is using her TK to move things in the "club") Oh, Jean, please, will you stop that? Already this week we have lost two waiters, a table and three bottles of champagne up there. And Kitty! Kitty is the baby and I'm just like a father to her. So when she is bad, I spank her. And she is very, very, very, very bad! (Slaps her butt) Bad Kitty! (They form a chorus line with Kurt in the middle.) Storm, Rogue, Jubilee, Rahne, Jean...und Kitty!
Each and every one a virgin! You don't believe me?
Well, don't take my word for it. Go ahead- try Kitty!
Outside it is winter. But in here it is so hot.
Everynight we have to battle with the girls to keep
them from taking off all their clothings! So don't go
away. Who knows? Tonight we may lose the battle!
(They dance Rockette style.)
GIRLS:
Wir sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
Kurt (Spoken)
We are here to serve you!
And now presenting the X Mansion boys. (When announced, each one comes out in formal wear.)
Bobby! St. John! Or is it St. John! and Bobby?
You know, there is only one way to tell the difference.
I'll show you later.
Scott! Oh, Scott, go easy on the saurkraut!
Logan! You know what's funny about Logan?
There's nothing funny about Logan!
And finally, the toast of Bayville, Fraulein Kelly Osbourne!
KELLY:
Hello, darlings!
KURT:
bliebe, reste, stay!
(He dances with her as everyone sings)
All:
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
(Pyro lets out a plume of fire.)
Kurt:
That's St. John!
All:
Die X Villa, Les Maison X
(Whispered)
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Fremde, etranger, stranger
KURT (Kissing Kelly's hand)
Hello, stranger!
All:
Gluklich, zu sehen, je suis enchante,
KURT (dipping Kitty)
Enchante, Madame!
All:
Happy to see you,
Bliebe, reste, stay
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!
Fremde, etranger, stranger.
Gluklich zu sehen, je suis enchante
Happy to see you
Bleibe, reste, stay!
Wir sagen
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome
Die X Villa, Les Maison X, The X Mansion!
KURT:
Thank you!
Bobby, St. John, Scott, Logan, Storm, Rogue, Jubilee,
Rahne, Jean, Kitty, Kelly and Me!
Welcome to the X Mansion!
Everyone graciously took their bows as hundreds of X Man fans applauded thunderously! "Kuuuuurt!" screamed a woman in the audience. "I love you! I want you for my husband!"
"What does your husband want with me?" he retorted. As everyone laughed, Kurt shared the limelight with ingenue, Kelly Osbourne. "Meine Damen und Herren, perhaps you are wondering what Frauline Kelly Osbourne is doing in our midst."
"It's not the backstroke." said Kelly, triggering a rimshot.
"Isn't she funny? Now, I remember well how Kelly came to join us. I remember it all as if it were only..."
"A flashback?" Kelly prompted.
"Ja!" The two faced the audience and wiggled their fingers a la Wayne and Garth.
"Diddly-dee! Diddly-dee! Diddly-dee!"
It all started in Beverly Hills, California in the Osbourne residence. It was a house that could be called "unusual" at best. The Addam's would've loved it. Kelly was was sitting on the couch with her father, Ozzy. Ozzy was watching the History Channel.
"Why are we watching this again, Dad?" she asked.
"B-because, Kelly," he stammered. "It it's History, you know, World War I, w-with all the-uh-the-uh planes and such."
"I think it's fucking boring." Kelly commented. The TV exploded.
"SHARON!!" Ozzy screamed.
"Oh, what is it, Oz?" Mrs. Osbourne asked in her plummy accent. "I'm right in the middle of writing up the itenerary for your summer tour."
"Sharon! The-the God damned TV just fucking blew up!"
"Well, what do you want me to do about it? Jack's the one who tinkers with the gizmos 'round here."
"Oh, that's right. JACK!!"
Jack came downstairs from his room. "Yeah, what is it?" He suddenly noticed he still had in his hand the blunt he had been smoking. He quickly snuffed it out. "I"m not smoking pot!"
"Our fucking TV is what's smoking!" Ozzy complained.
"Jesus H Christ, Dad!" Jack eyed the wrecked television. "You didn't pull an Elvis did you?"
"W-Why the fuck would I destroy my own dammned TV, Jack?"
"Dad, the screen is smashed. It's gone to Sillicon Heaven."
"How do you know it didn't go to Sillicon Hell?" asked Kelly. A crystal vase of roses on a nearby table suddenly tumbled over, smashing on the floor and scaring Crazy Baby senseless.
"What the fuck did you do that for, Kelly?" asked Jack.
"I didn't do shit!" The blender in the kitchen turned itself on at top speed and exploded.
"Holy fuck! We got a goddammed poltergeist!" Jack observed.
"Oh, don't be daft." said Sharon, trying to clean the mess. "There's no such thing as a bloody poltergeist."
"Don't say that, Mum!" said Jack. "You'll make it angry!"
"I I I don't think it was a a poultry-poluta...a ghost or whatever." said Ozzy. "Kelly, say something naughty."
"What?"
"Say say something crude, you know, cuss or something."
"What, like fuck? Shit?" All the window panes in the house burst open.
"That is severely fucked up." said Jack.
Melinda came into the house just then. "What happened to all your windows?" she asked. "For that matter, what happened here?"
"I'm at a loss." said Sharon as Melinda helped her sweep up the broken glass. "It seems that every time Kelly says a curse word, something breaks or explodes or otherwise causes damage."
"Sounds like a real problem, Mrs. O." Melinda commiserated.
Sharon sighed and explained it all in a song set to the tune of "Maria" from The Sound of Music.
SHARON:
In moments past she's made a blast
Every time that she swears
This isn't adolescent angst
This is really quite rare
This ain't like getting tattooed
This ain't like dying her hair
JACK:
I even heard her singing like Madonna
She made our blender explode
Just by saying 'shit'
From the way our kitchen looks
You'd think she had a fit
KELLY:
I hate to have to say it
But Jack is a total git
JACK:
Kelly needs to shut her fucking mouth!
MELINDA:
I'd like to say a word on her behalf
Kelly makes me laugh
OZZY & SHARON:
How do you solve a problem like our Kelly?
How do you tell hurricanes not to blow?
How do you find a place to help our Kelly?
OZZY:
Should she go to re-hab?
SHARON:
Or to hospital?
BOTH:
Don't know!
SHARON:
Many a thing her new power has broken
Not that we mind, those things can be replaced
But now we must confess
It's made a terrible mess
Now this problem we've no choice but to face
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Kelly?
How do we know this thing won't go to waste?
OZZY:
When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
JACK (Spoken)
As opposed to how you usually are?
OZZY:
The explosion scared her Papa
A vase fell on our chihuhua
But she's darling!
JACK:
She's a demon!
SHARON:
Have some ham!
JACK:
She'd outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl!
OZZY:
She is gentle!
JACK:
She is wild!
MELINDA:
What's a dervish?
SHARON:
She's a child!
JACK:
She's a headache!
OZZY:
She's an angel!
SHARON:
She's a girl!
As the song finished Jack said "Screw this. I'm gonna watch the telly in the kitchen." Their ample kitchen had a small portable television that Sharon often used to watch the evening news while making dinner. Jack tuned in to The Jerry Springer Show. (A/N the symbol **** will indicate that a word has been bleeped out.)
"Welcome, welcome, welcome." Jerry said to both his studio and television audience. "Our guests today are what are commonly known as mutants. We have with us Professor Charles Xavier and four of his students. Mr. Xavier, I understand that your students are using codenames for their own safety?"
"Yes, that's correct, Mr. Springer." said a bald man in a wheelchair. The graphic read "Charles, Founder of Xavier's School for the Gifted". "The young man with the red sunglasses is Cyclops. The young lady is Rogue. The young man with the spikes is Spyke and the young man with the blue fur is Nightcrawler." Kurt's fanclub screamed in delight.
"What can I say?" Nightcrawler stood up. "Chicks dig the blue fuzzy dude!" The girls sqealed.
"Very nice." said Springer, reminding everyone whose show it was. "Now, Mr. Xavier, you do realize that there are people who would call mutants, at best, unnatural."
"Saddly, this is true." sighed Charles. "But contrary to popular belief, mutants are perfectly natural.We deserve the same rights and privlidges as every other human being. If someone has discovered that they have a mutant abbility, I suggest they contact me at the Xavier Institute in Bayville, New York. There, they will find acceptance among others of their own kind and learn how to use their powers for good." Xavier and his students summed everything up in a song set to the theme from South Park.
XAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
Because down there you will find
CYCLOPS & SPYKE:
Friendly faces everywhere
Angsty teens who have mutations
XAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
If you're a mutant in a bind
ROGUE:
We are open day and night
To people who have super powers
XAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
Where the Institute is kind
NIGHTCRAWLER:
Ich lieben Madchen mit Dinger!
Ich auch lieben gross Scheid!
xAVIER:
Come on down to Bayville
And meet some friends of mine.
"I'm sure anyone listening who has found out they're a mutant will be glad to hear that." said Springer. "We have, however, found some people to give opposing viewpoints.Welcome to the show Reverend Jerry Falwell." The audience booed. "Bubba Rudner, Grand Dragon of the Macon branch of the Ku Klux Klan." Louder boos. "And Reverend William Stryker." More boos.
"Reverend Falwell, let's start with you." said Springer. "What is it you don't like about mutants?"
"Well," said Falwell. "For staters, they along with feminists, abortionists and homosexuals are directly responsible for the destruction of the Twin Towers on 9/11."
"Oh, that is some bull****!" stated Spyke.
"Could I ask Mr. 'Grand Dragon' a coupla things?" Rogue asked. Springer nodded. "Your name ain't really 'Bubba', is it?"
"You better believe it Missy!" said Rudner. "And all the enemies of the KKK better remember my name!"
"Do you realize you make the rest of us Southerners look bad?"
"You ain't a Southern! You're a God**** freak of nature!"
She pounced on him. As the security guards broke up the fight the audience chanted "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
"It seems the audience agrees with me." said Falwell. "They're chanting my name."
"Um, actually, Reverend Falwell," said Springer. "they were chanting my name.
"Oh, stuff it, you heathen Jew!" Falwell replied.
"I'll show you a **** heathen Jew!" Springer rushed the stage, his audience egging him on. Steve persuaded him not to go medieval on Falwell. Springer straightened himself. "Right. Reverend Stryker, care to voice your opinion?"
"I do not make opinions, I state facts." Stryker said calmly. "We have a prime example here of why mutants have no place in society. That 'girl', and I use the term loosely, attacked Mr. Rudner with little provocation."
"You wanna provoke me inta givin' you a ****ing knuckle sandwich, ****hole!?" Cyclops had to hold her back.
"You see what I mean? Not only are they tempermental, but they are capable of becoming more destructive than any human. Therefore, destruction or barring that, isolation is the only way to keep humanity safe."
"We have also invited to the show," said Springer. "Two mutants who oppose Xavier's plan for mutants to live in harmony with humans. Please welcome Mystique and Magneto." Nightcrawler booed while Rogue flipped the bird at the couple. "Let's start with Mystique. I understand you are related to a couple of Mr. Xavier's students."
"That's true, Jerry." she said. "Nightcrawler is my biological son and Rogue is my foster daughter."
"And why did you abandon them?"
"They just weren't evil enough." The audience booed. Her graphic read 'Mystique, claims children are not evil enough.' "Rogue showed some promise, but let's face it, she's the diet Coke of evil! Nightcrawler's worse! He's the skim milk of evil."
"Did you have to come out here dressed like a whore?" asked Nightcrawler. "Oh, wait, they said dress professionally." His graphic now read "Nightcrawler, Just called his mother a whore."
"You watch your **** mouth!"
"Whatever," Nightcrawler made the W sign and stood up and improvised a short dance. "It's my hot body, I do what I want!" His fan club enthusiastically agreed.
"Magneto," said Springer. "Do you have anything to add?"
"I have a confession." said Magneto. "Mystique, I've been sleeping with someone else."
"You were sleeping with Magneto?" Rogue injected. "You really are a ****ing slut!"
"Please welcome to the show," said Springer. "Mimi!" A blonde bombshell wearing several piercings and little else strutted on stage.Her graphic read "Mimi, Having an affair with Magneto". Mystique attacked Mimi and in the scuffle tore of 'his' wig.
"What the ****!" Magneto thundered.
"I have a confession, too, Eric." said Mimi. "I'm really a man." Magneto used his magnetism to rip out everyone of Mimi's piercings at once.
"What kinda ****ed up **** is that?" asked Rudner. Nightcrawler 'ported to the back of the stout klansman's chair and whipped off his white hood.
"I got your ha-at! I got your ha-at!" he sing-songed.
"Gimme my **** hood you little blue ****!"
"Catch, Rogue!" He threw it to her. Rogue teased Rudner with it befor tossing the hood to Spyke. The 3 played keep-away for a while, much to the audience's amusement. Spyke caught the hood again.
"Gimme my hood, you ****ed up N****!"
"Oh, no you didn't just call me that!" Spyke gave Rudner a spike to the family jewels. "Take that you cracker-headed ****!"
"And now for my final thought." said Springer, as Magneto hurled Xavier's wheelchair at Falwell (with Xavier still in it.) Is it moral to judge someone based on circumstances they have no control over? My answer is 'No ****ing way!' I encourage anyone who thinks they may have mutant powers to contact the Xavier Institute at the number below. Untill next time, take care of yourself, and each other." Jack scribbled down the number.
"Mum, Dad," he said tohis family. "I just saw this guy on the TV who can help Kelly."
Meanwhile, in Bayville, the X-Men were watching the tape of their experience on Springer. "You don't think the camera makes me look fat, do you?" Kurt joked.
"Hope no one was offended when I called Bubba a cracker-headed bastard." said Spyke.
"Aw, he asked for it." said Rogue.
"Watch!" said Kurt, toying with the remote. "When you hit 'rewind', it looks like Spyke's helping the klansman!"
The phone rang. Logan answered. "Xavier Institute, Where the Elite Meet to Defeat." He nodded. "Um-hum...Mind slowin' down a bit, Bub? I can barely understand ya...Uh-huh... Yeah, I can see how you might be upset about that...yeah...OK, can you get here by tomorrow afternoon?...Yes, he'll be here. Bring your kid with you...uh-huh. See you then, Mr. Osbourne."
"Who was that?" asked Rogue.
"Just a Newbie showing up tomorrow."
Rumors started flying in the X Mansion. "Do you think he was talking to Norman Osborn?" asked Scott, speaking of the millionare industrialist. "I hear he has a son."
"Hey," said Bobby. "Maybe he was talking to Ozzy!"
"Who?" asked Kurt.
"OK, what rock have you been living under?" Bobby joked. "Ozzy Osbourne is only the greatest rock star who ever lived! Just a sec." He put a video in the VCR. He cranked the volume up to the maximum level, making the whole house shake to the tune of "Iron Man." "This is back when Ozzy was in Black Sabbath."
"Oh, he's pretty!" said Kitty.
"Kitty," Bobby sighed. "Call the man good-looking if you want, but do not call him pretty!"
"I hear he likes biting the heads of animals." said Scott.
"Eew!" shuddered Kitty.
"Lots of people are prob'ly named Osbourne." said Rogue. "Don't mean they're famous."
Logan listened to "Iron Man" for as long as he could. "Why does this song make me think of Tony Stark?" he mused.
The next day, Professor Xavier tried to get his students to leave the drawing room where he met with the Osbournes. It was next to impossible. Mr. Osbourne was indeed Ozzy. Along with the normal curiosity directed towards Newbies, everyone wanted a look at the Prince of Darkness.
"I I I I don't know if you can help us, professor." said Ozzy. "I-it happens every damn time she fucking swears. The girl has a mouth like a fucking shithouse, you know? I don't know where the hell she gets it from."
"I-can't imagine." said Xavier, cocking an eyebrow. "Kelly, when did you first notice this phenomenon?"
"Well, sometimes when I'm upset I'll say a curse word. Before I blew up the telly, I noticed that every once in a while something would fall over or break when I said a bad word. My mates used to joke that it was God's way of tellin' me to clean up my language."
"Kelly," Xavier continued. "Here at the Institute..." He was interrupted by Rogue coming through.
"Oh, hi, hope I didn't interrupt anything." She was carrying a shopping bag. "I'm just goin' to my room. Hey, you the Newbie? My name's Rogue." she extended a gloved hand. "I love your outfit."
"Oh, thanks." said Kelly, shaking hands. "Yours is cool to. And I love your hair! How do you get it to streak like that?"
"Believe it or not, it's all natural." said Rogue, sitting next to her.
"Oh, you've been shopping?" Kelly saw her bag.
"Oh yeah, the local mall has a Fencer's gift shop. Got some new studs. Wanna see?"
"Ahem," said Xavier. "Rogue, I believe you were leaving?
"Can't she stay, Professor?" asked Kelly. She was already making a new friend.
"I suppose, if you don't mind." Xavier sighed and looked around the room. Kelly was between Rogue and Sharon on the couch. Ozzy had one armchair, Jack had the other, which Logan was leaning against. Xavier had the sneaking suspicion that some of his students where evesdropping in the hallway. He'd worry about that later. "As I was saying, Kelly, it would be a good idea to stay here at the Institute where you can learn to hone your skills."
"I don't know." shrugged Kelly. "It sounds cool and all, but I kinda wish I could just be a normal girl in Beverly Hills."
"Yeah, lot's of us wish we were normal." said Rogue. "But, wish in one hand, spit in the other."
Kelly laughed. "I never heard it put that way before!"
"I know it's a tough decision," said Logan. "But..."
Xavier got Logan's attention. He began the song cue to the tune of "Lovely Ladies" from Les Miserables.
XAAVIER:
I think Kelly
has a lot of fear
Still I think it would be good
If she could join us here
LOGAN:
Many mutants
don't know what they are
Some think it's a stigma
And they have to live with a scar
XAVIER:
At the Institute they can go far
LOGAN:
Many mutants
try to do what's right
Help those who are in trouble
even if it means a fight
Many mutants
Always here on call
Laser blasts or super strength
Looks like we have it all
XAVIER:
Someone's lurking just outside the hall.
(Sure enough, a few students are trying to eavesdrop on them.)
SHARON:
Listen my dear,
It happens each time you swear
You make things explode
KELLY:
Mum, quit making such a fuss
SHARON:
You'll be near New York
KELLY:
But moving is such a pain
SHARON:
I think you'd get a good education here,
but it's up to you
KELLY (Whispered)
Logan is weird
SHARON:
That's not my fault
KELLY:
Can I bring Puss?
SHARON:
Ask Professor X
My dear, I know this is complex
LOGAN:
Many mutants
feel they're in the dark
Whether they can read minds
or grow spines or give off sparks
ROGUE:
TK, TP
Anything, my dear
We've got all sorts of people living 'round here
Just remember, hands off Logan's beer!
OZZY:
What's the big deal?
Sounds like you got a free meal
Don't speak of doom, looks like they'll treat you well here
You'll have your own room
KELLY:
Big whoop, I got that at home.
OZZY:
Let's make a deal. I'll give you a Mercedes
for your birthday
KELLY:
A brand new car!
OZZY:
Just think of that
KELLY:
What can I do? A brand new car
A Mercedes can take me far!
LOGAN:
Many mutants
start out feeling sad
Wasn't here 3 minutes
She got a bribe from her dad
Many mutants
feel like they're a freak
If it weren't for Charley here
they'd be up a creek
Come on, Kelly
we can't wait all week!
(Jean, Kitty & Scott are lurking in the doorway. Kurt 'ports behind them.)
KURT:
Give me the dirt,
Who's that girl over there?
KITTY:
Keep quiet, Kurt
I think she dyes her hair
JEAN:
She's got a dad
bit the head off a bat
SCOTT:
From what I hear
She has a pet cat
LOGAN:
(Catches them)
Many mutants like to take up spying,
Many mutants!
ROGUE:
Come on, dearie, why all the fuss?
You're no grander than the rest of us
At the Institute you can make lots of friends
Join your sisters
KITTY:
Save the world on weekends
ROGUE:
That's right, dearie
you can do a lot.
JEAN:
That's right, dearie
Just keep your hands off Scott.
MUTANTS:
Robbers, muggers, take 'em as they come
Maniacs, computer hacks and every kind of scum
SCOTT:
Bad men, mad men, they can eat our dust
One time Jean and I saved a bunch of kids on a bus
You cause explosions every time you cuss!
MUTANTS:
Many mutants
Think they're going wrong
Take it away, Kelly
This is the end of the song
KELLY:
OK, Daddy, what've I to lose?
You made me an offer
That I simply can't refuse
With these powers
It looks like I'm stuck
Just as well, I guess that is my kinda luck
Don't you know
That I really just don't give a____
EVERYONE:
NO!
"May I suggest a trial stay?" asked Xavier. "Kelly, you can stay here a week before you make up your mind. Your family can stay if they wish."
"You don't really need me here." said Jack. "I'll just grab a jet home."
"Oh no you won't." said Sharon. "You're staying with us."
"But Mum! There's a party at Rick's place!"
"Where there will undoubtedly be drinking and pot smoking."
"Mum, all my friends do it!"
"And if all your friends wanted to jump off a pier, would you...oh, wait, I suppose you would."
"Whatever." Jack left the room in a huff. Scott caught up with him.
"Hi, my name's Scott. You're Jack, right?"
"Yeah."
"I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Mrs. Osbourne. I know it's none of my business, but I think you're very lucky to have a mom who cares about you."
"She has to understand, it's my life. I make my own choices."
"I'm all for that, to, Jack. But, your mom has seen your dad through his problems with drugs and alcohol. She probably doesn't want you to go through what he went through."
"You don't understand." Jack lamented having Sharon as a mother in a song set to the Beatles' "Let It Be".
JACK:
Not a day goes by when
Mother Sharon ain't naggin' me
Nag on till tomorrow
Let me be
One day she went through my room
Found my bottle of Jack D
She took it and filled it
Full of pee
Let me be, let me be
Let me be, Mum, let me be
My life's a livin' hell
Let me be
Throws ham at the neighbors
Mother Sharon on MTV
Its so embarassing
Let me be
Always takes Kelly shopping
That's my fucked up family
I love 'em but I wish
She'd let me be
Let me be, let me be
Let me be, Mum, let me be
Dad says they're fucking mad
Let me be
"Professor," said Kelly. "Is it OK if my cat stays here? I mean, if I choose to stay."
"Well," smiled Xavier. "I'm letting Kitty raise a dragon, so why not?"
"A- dragon?" asked Kelly, not sure she heard right.
"Just a little one." said Kitty.
"Splendid." said Sharon. "I'll call Melinda and have her send Puss overnight express. Maybe I'll have her send Minnie, I miss her so much. And maybe Jack's attitude will improve if he has Lola to keep him company."
"W-why don't you send for for the whole bleedin' menagerie?" Ozzy suggested.
"Oh, Ozzy, it's only 3 of them. The chins can't stand to be away from home and you know Crazy Baby gets nervous about flying. Come to think of it, he's nervous about everything."
"Mother of Christ, Sharon!"
"Nope, just Jack and Kelly." she replied.
Kitty and Kurt introduced Kelly to Lockheed. "You say he's a real dragon?" Lockheed rolled over so she could pet his scaly stomache.
"We can't think of anything else he might be." Kitty shrugged. "He's friendly and smart. Kurt and I take him to the dog park whenever we can."
"Um, don't people think it's weird that you have a baby dragon?"
"Professor X made an image inducer for him. It looks like an ordinary dog collar and when switched on, it makes Lockheed look like a beagle. We just have to make sure he doesn't try to fly or anything."
"I'm wearing an image inducer myself." said Kurt, displaying his watch.
"So, you really don't look like Keanu Reeves?"
"You really think I look like Keanu Reeves?" Kurt briefly entertained himself with a daydream of saving the world in a leather duster and cool shades. "Ok, Kelly, I'll show you what I really look like- if you promise not to scream."
"I won't scream. You can't be that bad looking." Kurt turned off the inducer. She didn't scream, but she did jump a little.
"Hey, Kurt." said Kitty, hoping to change the subject. "Show Kelly that trick you taught him."
"Lockheed," Kurt got the dragon's attention. He pointed at him. "Bang!" Lockheed stood straight up and keeled over, as if dead. "Good dragon!" He gave Lockheed a pat on the head. Lockheed gave him a slurpy kiss.
Ozzy came into the hallway to see his daughter, another girl and a blue demon playing with a little purple dragon. "SHARON!" he yelled. "I'm hallucinatin' again!"
"No, you're not, Ozzy." she said calmly. "I see it to. Now come along."
The doorbell rang. Storm answered. "Kitty, Lance is here." she said. Kitty lept to her feet and went to the living room. Lockheed followed on her heels. Kurt pouted.
"Hey, Kit." said Lance. "How 'bout a movie?" Lockheed sniffed around Lance and growled at him. "You still have that creepy little thing?"
"He's not creepy! His name is Lockheed. Can't you try to get along with him?"
Lance sighed. Girls and their pets. Well if I wanna stay in her good graces, I gotta make nice with the lizard. "Here, Lockheed," he said, kneeling down and reaching out. "Good boy." Lockheed bared his teeth and let out a puff of smoke. Kurt watched from the doorframe, hoping Lockheed would just take a bite. "It's no use! He just doesn't like me!" Smart dragon, thought Kurt. "So, you wanna go or what?" Say no. thought Kurt. Say no, say no, say no.
"Sure, OK." said Kitty.
After they left, Kurt leaned against the wall and looked like he wanted to hit something.
"You like her, huh?" asked Kelly.
"What makes you say that?"
"It was pretty obvious. Kurt, what you need to do is stop mooning over her and get your own girlfriend."
"I tried that. Twice. The first girl treated me like a pet, the other one broke up with me because her parents hated me."
"I know what that's like. I usually bring home stoner rock and roll freaks with hair longer than mine."
"You want a boy just like dear old Dad, ja?" he teased.
"No! That's not funny!" she laughed. Rogue came in.
"Hey, Kelly, I was thinkin'," she said. "Why don't I show you where Fencer's is? The Bayville Mall isn't that big, and Fencer's is probably the coolest place there is."
"No it isn't." piped up Jamie, walking in on the conversation. "Ali Baba's Palace is."
"If you like havin' grand mal seizures." said Rogue.
"You just don't like video games." Jamie described Ali Baba's Palace in a song set to "Castle on a Cloud" from Les Miserables
JAMIE:
There is an arcade at the mall
I like to go there on Saturday
There's lots of games for me to play
There at the arcade at the mall
It is a room full of machines
It is the game room of my dreams
I play five at once-I've played them all
There at the arcade at the mall
There is a machine decked in lights
The game is called "Bloody Punch Fight"
It's fun to play
It has lots of gore
It says "Jamie, you got the highest score."
I know a place with crane machines
I know a place that sells tokens
Today I will play pinball
There at the arcade at the mall.
"I need to get out of the house myself." said Kurt. "I'll drive." Kurt drove the station wagon to the Bayville mall with Kelly, Rogue and Jamie.
Ali Baba's Palace was right past the front doors of the mall. Jamie and Kurt stocked up on tokens. Jamie went for the Pod Racer. Kurt went for Dance Dance Revolution. "Let's leave the boys here." said Rogue. "Fencer's is just around the corner from Junk Food Ally."
Rogue and Kelly spent almost an hour looking at things in Fencer's. "I like this poster." said Kelly. "Beer: Helping White Guys Dance Since 1821."
"I should get that for Logan sometime."
"Heavy drinker?"
"Yeah, but his mutation keeps him from gettin' drunker than cooter."
"Drunker than cooter...I like that!"
They left Fencer's after Kelly bought a pair of flaming skull earrings. Rogue gave Kelly a quick tour of the Bayville Mall, stopping at Egads! clothing and Stables & King books. They returned to Junk Food Ally.
"Kelly," said Rogue. "You kinda remind me of this friend I useta have. Her name was Risty. She was British, wore cool clothes and dyed her hair purple."
"So what happened to her?"
"Turned out to be my damned foster mom in disguise."
"Don't you hate it when that happens?"
Rogue laughed. She thought she would always be bitter about Mystique's subterfuge. Kelly helped her see the funny side of it. "You wanna get something from Subway?"
"Sure." They got in line. Kurt was there. "Hi, Kurt." said Kelly. "Feelin' better?"
"Ja, just refueling."
"Jamie still Pod Racin'?" asked Rogue.
"Nein, he was trying his luck at the crane last time I saw him."
They got a table together and ate and talked. Kurt had just finished his sandwich when he saw the last thing he wanted to see. "Great, Lance and the Goon Squad are approaching."
"Hey, X-Freaks." said Lance, leaning on their table. "How's it goin'? Hey, you're new." Lance winked at Kelly.
"You keep the hell away from her!" said Rogue.
"Whoa, sorry!" Lance mocked. "So which one of you plays the man?"
"Fuck off, turd brain!" said Kelly. Lance suddenly found himself flat on his back. The new girl hadn't even touched him.
"Oh, you wanna play like that?" The ground started to shake.
"Lance, Kelly," Kurt warned. "We're in public." Sure enough, other mall patrons had started to stare. "And Lance, weren't you supposed to be at the movies with Kitty?"
"One word. Prude."
"You watch what you say about her!" Rogue had to hold him back.
Jamie came out of Ali Baba's Palace a little sad. He still hadn't figured out how to work the crane machine. He saw his friends surrounded by four members of the Brotherhood. He ran to help them. Pietro saw the young mutant approaching. He raced over and tripped him. The Brotherhood laughed.
"Leave him alone!" said Kurt. "You wanna fight? Fine. Outside, by the Dumpster."
The eight young people met outside for the brawl. It was nearly sunset. Somehow, rumble music started playing in the back ground. The two groups didn't immediatly duke it out. For some reason, they spent a long time circling each other, snapping fingers and exchanging baleful glances. It would look like someone threw a punch, but the other darted out of the way.
"Just like we practiced!" Lance told his boys. They nodded and chanted in unison: "Tough guy, tough guy, pirouette. Tough guy, tough guy, pirouette!" Blob shook the ground with every pirouette.
It was going down. Jamie split into five and started attacking Pietro from every direction. Kurt tackled Lance and started laying into him. Blob would've crushed Kelly if she hadn't yelled "Fuck!" The shockwave was just strong enough to knock the behemouth off her. Toad tried to take Rogue from behind. He jumped on her back. He had her on the ground. She gave him a fierce look as she tried to kick him off. Whoa, he thought. She ain't bad lookin'. Kurt's fist in his jaw broke into his thoughts. Kurt was just taking his anger out on Toad when the sound of sirens filled the air. "Scatter!" shouted Jamie. He ran off into five different directions. Rogue sprinted off into the wooded area. Kurt grabbed Kelly and 'ported away. The Brotherhood scattered anywhere they could.
Kurt and Kelly were back in the station wagon. "How did we...?" asked Kelly.
"My mutation." said Kurt. "I can teleport."
"Nice to know you can do something besides be cute and furry."
"You think I'm cute?"
"What about the others? The cops, shit!" The rearview mirror broke. "Sorry." Kurt shrugged it off. "Mum and Dad said if I get in trouble with the cops again, they'll hand my ass to me!" The other mirror broke. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Mutant powers are a little hard to deal with at first, ja?"
"Ja, uh-yes."
"Kelly, we'll just wait it out a while then I'll 'port back and start looking for Jamie and Rogue."
"I don't know if I can do this." Kelly said after a while. "Dad's right, I have a mouth like a sh-uh-an outhouse. And everytime I say something not Y7, something gets destroyed!"
"Maybe if you tried other words." Kurt suggested. "Try saying 'fricken'."
"Fricken." Nothing happened.
"Now try 'Luder'."
"Luder? Sounds like a cough drop."
"OK, now try 'Arshe'."
"I think I know what that word means." she smiled.
"Congradulations, Kelly. You just learned 3 words of German, and you're the first girl I ever talked dirty to."
While Kurt was teaching Kelly to cuss in German, Rogue was hiding in the woods. She watched the police cruiser from a safe distance. She wondered how long "Bayville's Finest" would linger. She decided to slip off further into the woods. She froze when she heard rustling in the bushes, accompanied by pained mumbles that she recognized as Toad's.
"You can stop tryin' to sneak up on me, Toad." she said. "I hear ya."
"I ain't sneakin'." said Toad, limping out in the open. He sat under a tree. "The pigs still here?"
"I saw 'em. They might get bored lookin' after a while and go get some donuts or whatever." She noticed him rubbing his left foot. "Hey, what happened to your foot?"
"Wagner's what happened." he said ruefully. He pronounced Wagner phonetically. "Little son of a bitch twisted my ankle. I can barely walk, let alone hop." Aw, geeze, Tolensky. he told himself. Why'd you go and tell her that?
"The name's pronounced 'Vawgner'." she said. "And don't call him a son of a bitch."
"Why? Mystique kinda is a bitch."
"You got me there." She sat next to him. "He once told me his last name was the same as a German composer. The guy who wrote 'Ride of the Valkeries'."
"I don't know squat 'bout opera."
Rogue smiled. "It's better known as 'Kill the Wabbit'."
"Oh, yeah," A glimmer of recognition came to Toad's eyes. "Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit!" He winced.
"Let me see your foot." she offered.
"No, that's OK, really." he shied back.
"I'm just tryin' to help." She took off his sneaker and wished she hadn't. The smell would gag a maggot.
"Don't say I didn't warn yas." Toad smirked.
Rogue waved the stench away. "Take yer sock off." she said.
"You still wanna help me?"
"The smell's bad, but it's probably nothing compared to the pain you're in."
"I can take pain, Rogue." Been takin' it all my life. he mentally added.
Rogue looked over the swolen foot. "OK, it ain't broke, but you got a pretty bad sprain. Wish Bobby or Storm was here. We'd have some ice." She stood up. "The cops are probably gone by now. I'll get some ice from Junk Food Ally."
"Junk Food Ally?"
"Kitty's nickname for the food court. Don't go nowhere."
"Like I got a choice?"
She's probably gone for good. he told himself after she left. Lance probably took off in the jeep. Pietro don't need a car to get anywhere and Blob-well- he's been known to go missin' a few days. Always comes back, askin' what's for dinner. Guess I could limp back to the parking lot and hotwire something.
He was about to struggle to his feet and do just that when Rogue returned. "Didn't take to long, did I?" she asked, giving him a paper cup full of ice. He winced as he placed it against his swolen ankle. "I stopped at Uncle Andy's and bought a couple of pretzles. Want one?"
"Uh, thanks." he said, taking one of the soft pretzles. He actually was a little hungry. Why is she bein' so nice to me?
"So," she said after an awkward silence. "Whatcha been up to?"
"You probably heard Pietro's long lost sister is back in town." Toad broke off another piece of pretzle. "Her name's Wanda. She's a real hottie. I've been tryin' to get her to go out with me. She-uh-isn't as nice as you are."
"I ain't nice."
"Yeah you are. You're helpin' me when most people woulda just left me for dead."
"I'm helpin' ya 'cuz it's what any decent person would do."
"I'm probably gonna stop buggin' Wanda. This whole Pepe LePew act is getting tired."
"You know your WB cartoons pretty well."
"What can I say?" he shrugged. "TV was my baby sitter. What about you? You gotta boyfriend?"
"Nope. Reasons are pretty obvious. I've been playin' the Pepe LePew game with Scott. Maybe not quite that blatent with it. There's also this guy named Remy who seems to like me, but he's in and out so much, I don't really know how to feel about him."
"Let's not talk about boyfriends and girlfriends." Toad could see she hated the subject as much as he did. "Let's go back to cartoons. Pop quiz: what was the name of the cat Pepe LePew was always chasing?"
"Fifi?" Rogue guessed.
"Close. That was the name of the skunk on Tiny Toon Adventures. The cat from the orriginal cartoons was named Penelope. Was there a cartoon based on the Rubik Cube, or am I just crazy?"
"You ain't crazy. I sorta remember a cartoon like that. It sucked. Pop Quiz: What was Ms Pac-Man's name?"
"Ain't that kinda like askin' 'Where is the Great Wall of China?'"
"It was Pepper."
"I think my favorite one was Beetlejuice. That was a guy I could identify with."
"Really? I always identified with Lydia. Especially the movie version."
"Wasn't that a great movie? My favorite scene is where they're all dancing around the table goin' 'Day-O! Day-ay-O!'"
"That's my favorite scene too!"
Toad looked into Rogue's eyes and said "I hated the Smurfs."
"So did I." she answered.
"Ain't it great that we hate the same things?" He looked around. "Gettin' dark, ain't it?"
"How's your foot?"
"Still kinda sore. Not as bad as it was."
"Let me see." She took a look at his foot. "Swelling's gone down. Need to get something to support it." She took off her boots and removed the knee socks she had been wearing.
"Uh, what are you doing?" She said nothing, but twisted the socks into a long thick tube and used it to support his ankle. She used the laces from her boots to tie it in place. "Not to tight is it?"
"Nah. You're pretty good at this sorta thing."
"Logan's good at teaching first aid."
She heard Kurt and Jamie calling for her. "Over here!" Rogue called back.
Kurt came out in the open with Jamie in tow. "Sorry we took so long. Had to find Jamie's duplicates."
"Kurt, Todd got hurt pretty bad. Let's give him a ride to the boardinghouse."
"Rogue," he sighed.
"Pretty please, bestest brother in the whole wide world?"
Kurt growled. He agreed to give Todd a lift, but grumbled swear words in German the whole way.
In the car, Todd got a better look at Kelly. "Haven't seen you before." he said. "Name's Todd Tolensky, better known as Toad. What's your name?"
"Kelly Osbourne." she said, trying to pretend this boy's smell wasn't making her gag.
"Any relation to..."
"He's my dad."
"Cool! Does Ozzy give out autographs?"
"Usually, only at concerts."
"We're here." said Kurt. "Get out."
"And a pleasant evening to you to!"
"Todd," said Rogue. "Keep it elevated and apply heat to it later."
"Thanks." He hobbled into the house, gave Lance a story about having to hitch-hike back and limped up to his room. He layed down on his bed and propped a few pillows under his sore foot. He tried reading one of his horror comics, but just couldn't concentrate. He kept thinking about Rogue. He looked at the foot bandaged with her knee socks. Socks that had been against her calves all day. Why did thinking about Rogue's legs make him go all shivery? Why was she so nice to him? He wondered if he would've done the same for her, and was ashamed to admit that he didn't know. Where did I go wrong? he asked himself. He summed everything up in a song set to "What Have I Done?" from Les Miserables.
TODD:
What's going on?
Aw crud, what's going on?
The cops were there, I was hurt
I found out my friends were gone
Never knew girls could be nice
At least not to toads like me
Rogue was the last person I thought I'd see
Playing Good Samaritain for this toad
Now I'm thinking, my brain is on overload
If there's another way to go
I missed it sixteen long years ago
My life was a slave that could never be free
They called me "animal" and murdered Tolensky
Being a mutant was my only crime
Just for having a mouth full of slime
Yet why did I allow that girl
To touch my soul and teach me love?
She treated me like any other
She gave me a lift
Home with her brother
We ate pretzles, spoke of cartoons
Can such things be?
For I had come to hate the world
The world that always hated me
Take an eye for an eye!
Turn your heart into stone!
This is all I have lived for!
This is all I have known!
She gave me comfort for my pain
Used her socks to tie up my sprain
Anyone else would've left me there
Is this what it's like to call someone friend?
She showed me that I have a soul
How did she know?
And I wonder while I'm on the mend
Is there another way to go?
I am reaching, but I fall
Don't know how long I can last
As I stare into the void
Of the pain that was my past
I'll escape now from that world
From the world of Tolensky
Rogue has replaced Wanda now
I think I fall in love to fast!
Todd pulled a couple of things out from under his bed. One was a stuffed toy he had planned to give Wanda for her birthday. She'll never miss it. He reminded himself. Then he got out a tattered notebook. He had some letters to write.
The next day, a delivery van came to the mansion with 3 live animal shipments for Sharon Osbourne. "Oh, Minnie, Minnie Minnie!" she squealed, taking a fluffy blonde pomeranian out of the traveling cage. "Did you miss Mummy?"
"Mum, that is so pathetic." said Jack, as he scratched a brindle bulldog's ears.
"Oh, remember, Jack," she said. "We're in someone else's house, so take Lola outside. A lot. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Mum."
Kelly sat on the couch with a fluffy Siamese in her lap. "So, that's your little pet?" asked Kurt.
"Yep." said Kelly, running her fingers through the cat's fur. "Her name is Puss. Would you like to pet my Pussy, Kurt?"
Kurt grinned mischiviously and opened his mouth to say something. Kitty clamped a hand over his mouth. "Don't say it." she warned. He mumbled something behind her hand. "Forget it, Carson beat you to it."
"No he didn't." Kurt took her hand away. "People just think he said it. By the way, we met up with Lance and company last night. Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Kitty sighed. "I honestly thought we were going to see a movie. I've been waiting a while to see Chicago. All through the movie he kept trying to feel me up. He told me I could walk home."
"Sounds like a first class jerk." said Kelly. "Woulda kneed him in the bullocks if I were you." The coffe table collapsed. "C'mon, that wasn't a real bad word!" She said to no one in particular. "Look, I've been wanting to see Chicago too. We can see it together. If Rogue wants to come we can make it a ladys' night."
Scott came in with an envelope. "Kurt, someone pinned a note on the door and addressed it to you." He gave him the note. "Is that your cat, Kelly?"
"Her name is Puss."
Scott sighed heavily. "I've seen Are You Being Served, I know what's coming."
"Nightcrawler," Kurt read his letter aloud. "Meet me at the Dumpster behind the mall at noon and come alone. Signed Toad. Sounds like he wants a rematch."
"Smells like a trap." said Scott.
Kurt shrugged. "What can they do? As soon as one of them grabs me, I'll just 'port somewhere out of the way."
"Well, use your own discretion."
At noon, Kurt met Todd behind the mall. "You really want to fight, Tolensky?" he asked, getting into stance. "You're not so tough without your boys to back you up."
"I don't need them for this." Todd calmly replied.
"Pretty confident, aren't you?"
"Confident enough to give you this." Todd tossed something to Kurt he had been hiding behind his back. Kurt ducked out of the way. The projectile appeared to be a small green stuffed toy. Kurt cautiously picked it up. "What is this?"
"It's Kermit the Frog. Don't they get The Muppet Show in Germany?"
"I know what it is! And you can take it back; it's not my style."
"I'm not giving it to you, Fuzznuts! I want you to give it to Rogue for me."
Todd suddenly found his back pinned to the Dumpster by the furry blue mutant. "You'd better not be playing games with my sister's heart!" he growled.
"Whoa, chill, yo." said Todd. "I ain't playin'. I don't even know how to play games like that." And I'll probably never learn. he mentally added. "Look, this is the only favor I'll ever ask of you. Give her Kermit and this letter." He fished a letter out of his pocket. Kurt let him go and took it. "And if I find out you read that note before she could, you are so fucking dead meat!"
"Why, Toad, I never fuck meat. Dead or otherwise."
"I hate you so much."
"I am so glad."
As they came out from behind the mall they saw a huge gathering of people. A camera crew for every news station in the county was there. The center of attention was none other than Reverend Stryker, flocked by a white robed choir bearing tamborines. "Good people of Bayville," Stryker was orating. "I stand here before you to reveal a shameful truth about this fine city. In this town is a house for God's rejects. I am talking of the Xavier Institute for the Gifted. This house should be properly called an Institute for the Cursed! An Institute of the Befallen! An Institute of the Damned! For this institute is a haven for monsterous creatures called mutants and the proprieter of this place is a man known only as Charles Xavier. Now it is written in Revelations that the beast shall rise again! Brothers and sisters, Charles Xavier is none other that the anti-Christ himself! And thes 'mutants' are but his pawns for a massive world take over! Well, this has got to stop! Now I know I'm on TV so I'll be as delicate as I can and God forgive me but..."
Stryker sang to the tune of "Texas Has a Whorehouse in It" from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
STRYKER:
Bayville has some mutants in it!
CHOIR:
Lord have mercy on our souls!
STRYKER:
Bayville has some mutants in it!
CHOIR:
Lord have mercy on our souls!
STRYKER:
I'll expose the facts although it fills me with disgust
I'll tell you of thes dangerous heathens because I must
CHOIR:
Tells of these dangerous heathens 'cuz he must!
STRYKER:
Mutants trainin' on inside it
Don't you see they've gone plum wild?
I inquired, no one denied it
Now I think I'm gettin' riled!
Their plot for world take over is now being arranged
Honing their powers day and night; that's very strange!
CHOIR:
Honing powers, that's very strange!
STRYKER:
Laser eyed, spike throwing, blue furred, sharp clawed freaks of nature!
CHOIR:
Oh no!
STRYKER:
Mixin' with telekinetic, body drainin' slanterns!
CHOIR:
Oh no!
STRYKER:
Not to mention some types that you never guess would ever exist
And every single one of them is high on my list!
(Spoken)
Let's hear it from the William Stryker Holy Choir!
CHOIR:
Bayville has some mutants in it
Lord have mercy on our souls!
Stop all this mutation
STRYKER:
It must stop!
CHOIR:
Bayville has some mutants in it
Lord have mercy on our souls!
Stop all this mutation....
Stryker danced a bit of softshoe as his choir sang. Todd and Kurt slowly backed away from the zealot and his followers. Meanwhile, people all over Bayville watched the broadcast and had different reactions. "Crap!" said Kitty back at the Institute. "They're talking about us!" The Brotherhood slapped high fives all around. "Hah! I knew it!" said principal Kelly. Mr. Sefton clapped his hands over Amanda's ears. "Doreen! Get me my heart pills!" cried an old man who had been watching television. Even the Morlocks saw the broadcast from the TVs on display at Radio Shack.
Kurt drove as quickly as he could back to the Institute. "Professor," he gasped. "Reverend Stryker is..."
"We saw the broadcast, Kurt." said Xavier. "Unfortunatly, all Stryker is doing is exercising his 1st Amendment rights. Until he takes action, there is nothing we can do."
"Still'd like to gut him open." Logan growled.
"Oh, Rogue, here." He gave her the stuffed Kermit.
"What brought this on?" she asked, giving the toy a quizzical look.
"Toad wanted me to give it to you for him. All this time I think he wants a fight, he just wants me to be the delivery boy. Oh, he also wanted you to have this note." He gave her a somewhat crumpled envelope.
"What's it say? What's it say?" asked Jubilee, trying to get a look at the note.
"I don't know." said Kurt. "Toad said I was, quote, 'fucking dead meat' if I read it."
Rogue took the letter up to her room, determined to read it in privacy. She left Kermit on the couch. Kurt sat down and contemplated using Kermit as a voodoo doll. He hummed a bit of "Bayville Has Some Mutants In It". Everyone glared at him. "Was? It's a catchy tune!"
Rogue got to her room and closed the door. She sat on her bed, tore open the envelope and started reading. She was expecting a terse thank you note. That itself would be more than she expected from Todd Tolensky. She didn't expect a poem that could follow the melody of "Amneris' Letter" from Aida.
TODD (V/O)
I'm thinking about all we've said
And about some things I thought I never knew
Some things can get so complicated
Those moments together just flew
I wish that our lives could be simple
No, I don't want the world- only you
Oh, I wish I could tell you this face to face
But there's never the time, never the place
Oh, this letter will have to do....
Rogue felt that something was just hanging, as if he forgot to add the last line. She kept reading.
Well, Rogue, now you know my dirty little secret. I write poetry sometimes. Never anything good, just any crap that gets
into my skull. I hope you like the stuffed Kermit I got you. A frog from a toad. Fitting. Time to get to the point, I guess.
I want you to meet me on the roof of the high school at midnight. I'll tell you everything there.
Todd
Rogue had to reread the letter. Did Todd "Toad" Tolensky send her a love letter? No, more like an 'I'm-confused-about-how-I-feel-and-don't-know-how-to-say-it" letter. She remembered the long talk about nothing they had out in the woods. She had forgotten that he was Brotherhood, an enemy. He was fun to talk to once you got him in good mood and got over the smell. She hadn't got to know him well during her brief stint with the Brotherhood. He perferred to keep to himself, much as she kept to herself. She thought of their talk again. She remembered that he smiled a few times in spite of his pain. His smile was quite nice, if a bit crooked. At least, it was an improvment over his usual scowl. Whoa, wait a minute. She thought. You're thinking about how some guy looks when he smiles? You're starting to think like Kitty! She was also thinking about taking him up on his invitation.
Later that night, Rogue freshened up her make-up and put on a black leather dress (like she had any others). She acceserized with a black silk scarf with white polka dots, black opera gloves and a flouncy black lace overskirt. She had planned to sneak out and walk to the school, but found Jean, Jubilee and Kitty barring the front door. "And where are you going at this hour?" asked Jubilee.
"Where you're not." Rogue retorted.
"C'mon, Rogue," said Kitty. "Toad was sweet to give you the stuffed toy. And you're slipping out to see him. How romantic!"
"You don't think he's cute, do you?" asked Jubilee. "I think he's kinda freaky."
"It ain't none of y'all's business. Jean, tell 'em to leave me alone."
"Rogue," Jean sighed. "I don't know if it's such a good idea for you to go out all by yourself. Especially to meet some guy."
"Jean, remember who yer talkin' to. Someone gives me trouble, I'll just sap 'em."
Kelly came in with a few snacks. "Hey, Rogue." she said. "Goin' to a party or something?"
"Oh, yeah," said Jubilee. "She's gonna par-tay!"
"There's no way I can talk ya'll into not followin' me, is there?" The four girls shook their heads. "Fine. Jean, could you drive? I think I'm gonna need your help anyway. He wants us to meet on the roof of the school."
"Rogue and Toad sittin' in a tree!" sang Jubilee.
"Shaddap." Rogue growled.
They came to the school. "Alright, Jean," said Rogue. "Gimme a boost." Jean turned on her TK and lifted Rogue to the school's roof.
Todd leaned against the toolshed on the school's roof, twirling a rose he had picked off a bush between his fingers. He checked his watch for the umpteenth time. It was midnight. Was she coming? Had he picked an OK spot? The school was closed for the summer and to late, he realized she couldn't jump like him. He was just about to turn around and forget the whole thing when he saw Rogue rising above the roof. "Rogue, how did you..."
"Got a lift from a friend." She went to the edge of the building and yelled "And she was just leaving!"
"Let's go." said Jean.
"You can go if you want." said Jubilee. "I wanna see how this plays out!" She shimmied up a nearby tree.
"God, you look good." Todd sighed. "Um, I got you this." He gave her the rose.
"Thanks." She took it and tucked it behind her ear. "Todd, um..." she suddenly noticed that he didn't smell as bad as usual. "You smell nice."
He blushed. "Took my annual shower. And borrowed a splash of Lance's cologne."
"How's your foot?"
"Great. I heal pretty quick." He shuffled uneasily. "Rogue, I was thinking about how we talked yesterday in the woods. I-I want more of that. I like you a lot and-and well, since neither of us is seein' anyone..."
"Todd," she sighed. "Yer gonna get bored with talkin'. Trust me, they always do. Yer gonna want more. Yer gonna, want something I can't give you."
"Rogue, all I want is, well, you. I know this is pretty sudden, but..." he struggled with words. "If you want me to leave you alone, I will."
"Todd, I'm as sick of bein' alone as you are." She put her arms around him and squeezed. They didn't know they had an audience.
"How sweet!" Jubilee whispered. "They're hugging!"
"He's not hugging back." whispered Kitty.
"Hey, make some room for me!" Kelly tried in vain to find a comfortable spot on the branch.
Todd was dazed. Wow, she's holding me. I can't remember if I've ever been held before. Mom never was the affectionate type. Oh God, my face is right in her boobies! Musn't nuzzle, mustn't nuzzle...She took his arms and put them around her waist. Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to hug her back. "Rogue," he whispered.
"Call me Marie." she whispered in his ear.
"What are they saying?" Jubilee strained to hear the whispers.
"Jubilee! Don't shake the branch!" hissed Kitty.
"Think they're gonna bump uglies?" mused Kelly.
"Marie," he whispered.
"Todd, that poem you wrote for me. I had a feeling there was more you wanted to add. Don't ask me how I know."
"I wrote another one for you."
"Do you have it?"
"No, but I remember it." He broke their embrace and tried to remember the words. "It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide."
"More, Todd, more!"
"I don't have much money but, boy if I did, I'd buy a big house where we -where we both could live. Is this OK?"
"This is exactly what I want, Todd."
"If I was a sculptor, but then again, no," He struggled to remember the words. "Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show. I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do." Suddenly, he burst into song, as all the lights in Bayville turned on and their spies stopped struggling in the tree.
TODD:
My gift is my song
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well some of these verses well they got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on
So excuse me for forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue!
So anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen!
(He takes her in his arms. Oddly enough, the man in the moon sings Italian opera. Glitter rain starts to fall courtesy of Jubilee. Todd takes a pink umbrella out of nowhere and dances with it as he sings.)
And you can tell everybody
This is your song!
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
(The 3 girls in the tree laugh. Rogue twirls into Todd's arms, her skirt flaring)
I hope you don't mind,
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world!
(The man in the moon continues to sing as Todd dips Rogue. Jubilee hangs from a branch by her knees and smiles at the new couple.)
tbc
Song credits are as follows. (Don't sue me!) Caberet belongs to John Kander & Fred Eff. The Sound of Music belongs to Richard Rogers & Oscar Hammerstein II. Les Miserables belongs to Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg & Herbert Kretzmer. "Let it Be" belongs to John Lennon & Paul McCartney. West Side Story belongs to Stephen Soundheim & Leonard Bernstein. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas belongs to Carol Hall. Aida belongs to Elton John and Tim Rice. Sir Elton and partner in music Bernie Taupin own "Your Song". The style is a parody of a scene from Moulin Rouge, property of 20th Century Fox.