Chapter 5
The Man Who Would be Mom
Buffy hurried over to Giles's apartment, she hammered desperately on the door.
"Okay, okay," muttered Giles grumpily, opening the door.
"Giles, we need your help, it's an emergency," said Buffy.
"It had better be, now's not a good time," he replied.
Buffy looked at her former watcher,
"It's late afternoon and you're in your dressing gown," said Buffy, puzzled.
"Um yes, well I was feeling very sleepy," said Giles
"Was that my mom's car parked outside? Ewwww, could my day get any worse, anyway we need to call an emergency meeting, something terrible has happened," said Buffy.
"What is it? Some new demon threat?" asked Giles
"Well it definitely involves a demon, it's Spike, he's er pregnant," finished Buffy in a rush.
"Yes very droll, you think of that all by yourselves?" asked Giles.
Buffy undid her jacket, exposing her flat stomach.
"It's true, look the baby has somehow been transferred from my body to his," she said
Giles started laughing.
"Hey it's not funny, I came to you for help,"
Giles wiped away a tear.
"Sorry will get right on it, I'll start phoning the others and we'll meet at your mom's home, in shall we say an hour's time?" he asked.
"Fine, oh and before I forget, could Spike borrow some of your sweat pants? He's a bit wider around the middle right now," said Buffy.
"Oh thank you very much!" said Giles in indignation.
"What?" asked Buffy innocently.
"You, saying I'm fat, well implying my clothes would be big enough for an expectant, for the want of a better word father," said Giles.
"Please?" she pleaded.
Giles disappeared up the stairs, and quickly returned with some pants.
"Have to go, see you back at the house, bye Mom!" she called loudly up the stairs.
Joyce poked her head out from under the bedcovers, but her daughter was already gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Thank God you're back, it's getting worse," said Spike.
"Is it the baby?" asked Buffy in concern.
"Baby is fine, felt it moving about in here," he said touching his stomach.
"Well what is it then?" she asked
"I just had to do something, I haven't done in nearly 120 years," he said
Buffy frowned.
"I just took a leak," he said in abject horror.
"That I would have liked to have seen, no take that back, that kinda came out wrong," said Buffy.
"And my nipples feel all sensitive, I don't like it," he said.
Buffy stifled a giggle.
"Just be glad you're not the whole nine months, otherwise you'd be the one having the baby," she said.
"Oh God, what if I'm stuck like this until the baby's due, where would it get out?" he asked.
"Well that's what we are going to sort out, don't get your panties in a budge, talking of pants, here you go," she said chucking the borrowed sweat pants at her husband.
"Thanks, I didn't know they did sweat pants in tweed, they look big enough for some one at full term," he grumbled.
"Just be grateful, I could have asked Xander," she said.
"Not bloody likely, have you seen the whelp's wardrobe?" asked Spike.
"Stop bitchin' and get ready, we have to get over to mom's home within the hour," she sighed.
"This is going to be the most humiliating day of my life," he groaned.
"Besides all my spectacular kicking's of your ass in the past," she said.
"What was that?" said Spike.
"Nuthin' I said it was way past time we were out of here," said Buffy innocently.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Anya and Xander arrived at Buffy's former home.
"This had better be good, Tuesday night is fantasy night, Xander gets me to dress up as a," said Anya, cut off by Xander before she could finish.
"Yes enough already Anya, I don't think the others want to know," said Xander blushing fiery red.
"You're so rude, you are always cutting me off mid sentence," frowned Anya.
"Hey Oz, so you're back then, How was China?" asked Xander.
"Good," said Oz laconically.
"Not really much to tell," said Willow.
Giles came in from the kitchen.
"Good you're all here," Said Giles.
"What about the guests of honour? Spike & Buffy," asked Willow.
"I thought it best to prepare for why we're here, before they arrive," said Giles, taking off his glasses and cleaning them.
"Oh it's a secret? Are we planning a baby shower?" asked Anya.
"Well it does involve the happy couple and their baby," Giles replied.
The front door opened, as Buffy and Spike came in through it.
"Hi guys, the gangs all here, that's good, have you filled them in yet Giles?" asked Buffy.
"Sorry, not yet was just about to," said Giles.
Xander looked at Spike and started laughing.
"Great pants Spike, that's a new look for you," said Xander.
"Bloody shut it alright!" snapped Spike.
"Yes Xander, we're getting off topic, let's get on," said Giles sternly.
"Spike's pregnant," said Oz.
Willow giggled.
"Don't be so silly Oz," said Willow.
Willow looked at Spike and Buffy, the smile disappearing from her face.
"My God, you're right, how did it happen?" asked Willow.
Xander's head was lowered, his shoulders were shaking visibly.
"Laugh it up Harris," growled Spike.
Xander looked up and wiped away his tears.
"We need to go over everything that has happened in the last few hours, if we are going to get any idea how to sort this," said Giles.
"Can I just use your bathroom first Joyce?" asked Spike.
"Go right ahead, you know where it is," answered Joyce.
Xander started another fresh bout of laughter, Buffy punched him on the arm.
"Hey it's not funny, it's my baby we're talking about here," she snapped.
Spike rejoined them moments later, scowling at the smirk he saw on Xander's face, Spike went over to Buffy and put an arm around her.
"There, there pet, we'll sort all this out," said Spike looking hopefully at Giles.
"I only went to college and came home, I can't think what could have done it," said Buffy.
Spike looked at her, a thought occurring to him.
"Aha I knew it! It was bloody peaches, I mocked him, when he found out about the baby, he's worked some kinda evil mojo on me," said Spike
"Don't be so stupid Spike, of course it wasn't him," snapped Buffy.
"Angel was here and no one told me?" asked Giles.
"It was nothing, just a fleeting visit," said Buffy.
"Yeah with dire warnings of impending doom, maybe this was his game all along," said Spike.
"I don't think so, it doesn't add up, Buffy any suggestions? Asked Giles.
"I only talked to three people today before "it" happened, that was Willow, Oz and Hallie," said Buffy.
"Hallie? That wouldn't be short for Halfrek, would it? Asked Anya.
"Yes, why?" asked Buffy.
"And you talked to her at college?" asked Anya.
"Yes, but," said Buffy.
"Mystery about to be solved I think, Halfrek is a vengeance demon, we used to work together, torturing the male populace, looking at Spike, she's still at the top of her game," said Anya proudly.
Spike removed his arm from Buffy's shoulder.
"What exactly did you say to this demon chickie, Buffy?" he asked
Buffy looked at Spike in despair.
"Well I was still annoyed with you after our argument this morning and she was a good listener," said Buffy sheepishly.
"That's all part of the job, to get the potential client to spill their guts, or their bad boyfriends anyway," said Anya.
"Not enjoying the word picture here," said Xander.
Buffy looked at the floor.
"I might have said, I wish Spike could be pregnant for a week, just so he knows how it feels," said Buffy to the floor.
"Buffy! I would have thought my little stint at wanting my own way would have taught you something," said Willow
"Yes we have to remember this is the hellmouth, you should have been more responsible," said Giles sternly.
Buffy's bottom lip trembled as tears welled up in her eyes. Spike looked at her.
"Hormones are a bitch, I wanna cry too," said Spike.
"I'm so sorry Spike," said Buffy.
"I forgive you," he wailed.
They hugged and cried together.
"I think I'm gonna be sick, it's worse than an episode of "passions" not that I watch it," said Xander hastily.
"Anya, you have connections in the demon world, couldn't you summon her," asked Willow.
"Could be tricky, depends if she is still in Sunnydale, vengeance demons have a habit of curse and run, I'm afraid," said Anya.
"Couldn't you try a locater spell Willow?" asked Giles.
Willow flushed and looked away.
"She's afraid to practise the magiks, after well you all know," said Oz.
"Sodding great, so I'm stuck like this for a week at least?" asked Spike.
"Looks like it," grinned Xander.
"I had a doctor's appointment this evening, guess we can safely say that's off the agenda," said Buffy.
"What was the appointment for?" asked Joyce.
"Just a routine scan," said Buffy
"I think you should still go," said Giles.
Everyone turned to stare at Giles open mouthed.
"And Xander should go as your husband Spike," Giles continued.
"Are you bloody mad?" asked Spike
"Right there with you Spike," said Xander.
"At least listen to what I have to say," said Giles huffily.
"I know I'm all ears," said Buffy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"This is never gonna work," said Spike.
"I don't know, Joyce's old summer frock looks very fetching on you Spike," said Xander.
"You are one step away from a punch in the face poofta, I'm not doing this," said Spike.
"Please William, I have to know if the baby is okay," said Buffy.
Spike looked at her.
"Ok luv, you know when you call me William, I'd do anything for you," he sighed.
"It's still missing something, he just looks like a guy in a dress," said Anya.
"It's the hair, I think I have just the thing," said Joyce disappearing into the kitchen.
She re-emerged several minutes later holding a long black wig.
"Found it in the basement, part of a Halloween costume I wore one year," she said.
"Could my unlife get any worse," groaned Spike.
Buffy took the wig off her mom and arranged it on Spike's head.
"There, that's better," said Buffy.
"Not from my point of view," said Spike.
"Where's a camera, when you need one," said Xander.
"God, this bra is like a torture device," said Spike shifting his fake breasts about.
"Why do I have to be the husband?" complained Xander.
"Well no one is going to believe it's Buffy, are they?" asked Giles.
"You look like a transvestite," said Oz.
"Thanks mate, remind me again, why I'm doing this," said Spike sarcastically.
"Look you'd better get going, thank God, it's not our usual doctor or the game would be up on the spot," said Buffy.
"What if the new guy wants to do an internal exam?" asked Spike.
"Let's cross that bridge when we come to it," said Giles.
"Time to go," said Buffy.
"Right I'll go get the car started," said Giles.
"No holding hands," said Willow.
Spike and Xander looked at her in horror.
"Thanks Red," said Spike.
"Have fun you guys," said Oz.
Buffy sat in the back seat with Spike.
"Thanks for doing this Spike, I know it's all my fault," she said.
"It's strange, I would be more pissed off about this in normal circumstances, I must be getting in touch with my feminine side," said Spike.
"I'd have to agree there," said Xander.
The short drive to the doctor's office was over all too soon; the car came to a halt outside.
"Well this is it," said Giles.
"Ready as I'll ever be," said Spike.
"I'll be here waiting for you, okay?" she said.
Spike and Buffy looked at each other, and kissed. A man passed the car walking his dog, shocked a the sight of two "women" making out in the back seat, Sunnydale really was going downhill these days, he thought to himself. Spike and Buffy separated.
"Shall we get moving then Harris?" asked Spike, eager to get it all over with.
Spike and Xander exited the car.
"I hope Spike and the baby are gonna be okay," said Buffy.
"I'm sure they will, but I think I should keep the engine running just in case," said Giles.
TBC
The Man Who Would be Mom
Buffy hurried over to Giles's apartment, she hammered desperately on the door.
"Okay, okay," muttered Giles grumpily, opening the door.
"Giles, we need your help, it's an emergency," said Buffy.
"It had better be, now's not a good time," he replied.
Buffy looked at her former watcher,
"It's late afternoon and you're in your dressing gown," said Buffy, puzzled.
"Um yes, well I was feeling very sleepy," said Giles
"Was that my mom's car parked outside? Ewwww, could my day get any worse, anyway we need to call an emergency meeting, something terrible has happened," said Buffy.
"What is it? Some new demon threat?" asked Giles
"Well it definitely involves a demon, it's Spike, he's er pregnant," finished Buffy in a rush.
"Yes very droll, you think of that all by yourselves?" asked Giles.
Buffy undid her jacket, exposing her flat stomach.
"It's true, look the baby has somehow been transferred from my body to his," she said
Giles started laughing.
"Hey it's not funny, I came to you for help,"
Giles wiped away a tear.
"Sorry will get right on it, I'll start phoning the others and we'll meet at your mom's home, in shall we say an hour's time?" he asked.
"Fine, oh and before I forget, could Spike borrow some of your sweat pants? He's a bit wider around the middle right now," said Buffy.
"Oh thank you very much!" said Giles in indignation.
"What?" asked Buffy innocently.
"You, saying I'm fat, well implying my clothes would be big enough for an expectant, for the want of a better word father," said Giles.
"Please?" she pleaded.
Giles disappeared up the stairs, and quickly returned with some pants.
"Have to go, see you back at the house, bye Mom!" she called loudly up the stairs.
Joyce poked her head out from under the bedcovers, but her daughter was already gone.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Thank God you're back, it's getting worse," said Spike.
"Is it the baby?" asked Buffy in concern.
"Baby is fine, felt it moving about in here," he said touching his stomach.
"Well what is it then?" she asked
"I just had to do something, I haven't done in nearly 120 years," he said
Buffy frowned.
"I just took a leak," he said in abject horror.
"That I would have liked to have seen, no take that back, that kinda came out wrong," said Buffy.
"And my nipples feel all sensitive, I don't like it," he said.
Buffy stifled a giggle.
"Just be glad you're not the whole nine months, otherwise you'd be the one having the baby," she said.
"Oh God, what if I'm stuck like this until the baby's due, where would it get out?" he asked.
"Well that's what we are going to sort out, don't get your panties in a budge, talking of pants, here you go," she said chucking the borrowed sweat pants at her husband.
"Thanks, I didn't know they did sweat pants in tweed, they look big enough for some one at full term," he grumbled.
"Just be grateful, I could have asked Xander," she said.
"Not bloody likely, have you seen the whelp's wardrobe?" asked Spike.
"Stop bitchin' and get ready, we have to get over to mom's home within the hour," she sighed.
"This is going to be the most humiliating day of my life," he groaned.
"Besides all my spectacular kicking's of your ass in the past," she said.
"What was that?" said Spike.
"Nuthin' I said it was way past time we were out of here," said Buffy innocently.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Anya and Xander arrived at Buffy's former home.
"This had better be good, Tuesday night is fantasy night, Xander gets me to dress up as a," said Anya, cut off by Xander before she could finish.
"Yes enough already Anya, I don't think the others want to know," said Xander blushing fiery red.
"You're so rude, you are always cutting me off mid sentence," frowned Anya.
"Hey Oz, so you're back then, How was China?" asked Xander.
"Good," said Oz laconically.
"Not really much to tell," said Willow.
Giles came in from the kitchen.
"Good you're all here," Said Giles.
"What about the guests of honour? Spike & Buffy," asked Willow.
"I thought it best to prepare for why we're here, before they arrive," said Giles, taking off his glasses and cleaning them.
"Oh it's a secret? Are we planning a baby shower?" asked Anya.
"Well it does involve the happy couple and their baby," Giles replied.
The front door opened, as Buffy and Spike came in through it.
"Hi guys, the gangs all here, that's good, have you filled them in yet Giles?" asked Buffy.
"Sorry, not yet was just about to," said Giles.
Xander looked at Spike and started laughing.
"Great pants Spike, that's a new look for you," said Xander.
"Bloody shut it alright!" snapped Spike.
"Yes Xander, we're getting off topic, let's get on," said Giles sternly.
"Spike's pregnant," said Oz.
Willow giggled.
"Don't be so silly Oz," said Willow.
Willow looked at Spike and Buffy, the smile disappearing from her face.
"My God, you're right, how did it happen?" asked Willow.
Xander's head was lowered, his shoulders were shaking visibly.
"Laugh it up Harris," growled Spike.
Xander looked up and wiped away his tears.
"We need to go over everything that has happened in the last few hours, if we are going to get any idea how to sort this," said Giles.
"Can I just use your bathroom first Joyce?" asked Spike.
"Go right ahead, you know where it is," answered Joyce.
Xander started another fresh bout of laughter, Buffy punched him on the arm.
"Hey it's not funny, it's my baby we're talking about here," she snapped.
Spike rejoined them moments later, scowling at the smirk he saw on Xander's face, Spike went over to Buffy and put an arm around her.
"There, there pet, we'll sort all this out," said Spike looking hopefully at Giles.
"I only went to college and came home, I can't think what could have done it," said Buffy.
Spike looked at her, a thought occurring to him.
"Aha I knew it! It was bloody peaches, I mocked him, when he found out about the baby, he's worked some kinda evil mojo on me," said Spike
"Don't be so stupid Spike, of course it wasn't him," snapped Buffy.
"Angel was here and no one told me?" asked Giles.
"It was nothing, just a fleeting visit," said Buffy.
"Yeah with dire warnings of impending doom, maybe this was his game all along," said Spike.
"I don't think so, it doesn't add up, Buffy any suggestions? Asked Giles.
"I only talked to three people today before "it" happened, that was Willow, Oz and Hallie," said Buffy.
"Hallie? That wouldn't be short for Halfrek, would it? Asked Anya.
"Yes, why?" asked Buffy.
"And you talked to her at college?" asked Anya.
"Yes, but," said Buffy.
"Mystery about to be solved I think, Halfrek is a vengeance demon, we used to work together, torturing the male populace, looking at Spike, she's still at the top of her game," said Anya proudly.
Spike removed his arm from Buffy's shoulder.
"What exactly did you say to this demon chickie, Buffy?" he asked
Buffy looked at Spike in despair.
"Well I was still annoyed with you after our argument this morning and she was a good listener," said Buffy sheepishly.
"That's all part of the job, to get the potential client to spill their guts, or their bad boyfriends anyway," said Anya.
"Not enjoying the word picture here," said Xander.
Buffy looked at the floor.
"I might have said, I wish Spike could be pregnant for a week, just so he knows how it feels," said Buffy to the floor.
"Buffy! I would have thought my little stint at wanting my own way would have taught you something," said Willow
"Yes we have to remember this is the hellmouth, you should have been more responsible," said Giles sternly.
Buffy's bottom lip trembled as tears welled up in her eyes. Spike looked at her.
"Hormones are a bitch, I wanna cry too," said Spike.
"I'm so sorry Spike," said Buffy.
"I forgive you," he wailed.
They hugged and cried together.
"I think I'm gonna be sick, it's worse than an episode of "passions" not that I watch it," said Xander hastily.
"Anya, you have connections in the demon world, couldn't you summon her," asked Willow.
"Could be tricky, depends if she is still in Sunnydale, vengeance demons have a habit of curse and run, I'm afraid," said Anya.
"Couldn't you try a locater spell Willow?" asked Giles.
Willow flushed and looked away.
"She's afraid to practise the magiks, after well you all know," said Oz.
"Sodding great, so I'm stuck like this for a week at least?" asked Spike.
"Looks like it," grinned Xander.
"I had a doctor's appointment this evening, guess we can safely say that's off the agenda," said Buffy.
"What was the appointment for?" asked Joyce.
"Just a routine scan," said Buffy
"I think you should still go," said Giles.
Everyone turned to stare at Giles open mouthed.
"And Xander should go as your husband Spike," Giles continued.
"Are you bloody mad?" asked Spike
"Right there with you Spike," said Xander.
"At least listen to what I have to say," said Giles huffily.
"I know I'm all ears," said Buffy.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"This is never gonna work," said Spike.
"I don't know, Joyce's old summer frock looks very fetching on you Spike," said Xander.
"You are one step away from a punch in the face poofta, I'm not doing this," said Spike.
"Please William, I have to know if the baby is okay," said Buffy.
Spike looked at her.
"Ok luv, you know when you call me William, I'd do anything for you," he sighed.
"It's still missing something, he just looks like a guy in a dress," said Anya.
"It's the hair, I think I have just the thing," said Joyce disappearing into the kitchen.
She re-emerged several minutes later holding a long black wig.
"Found it in the basement, part of a Halloween costume I wore one year," she said.
"Could my unlife get any worse," groaned Spike.
Buffy took the wig off her mom and arranged it on Spike's head.
"There, that's better," said Buffy.
"Not from my point of view," said Spike.
"Where's a camera, when you need one," said Xander.
"God, this bra is like a torture device," said Spike shifting his fake breasts about.
"Why do I have to be the husband?" complained Xander.
"Well no one is going to believe it's Buffy, are they?" asked Giles.
"You look like a transvestite," said Oz.
"Thanks mate, remind me again, why I'm doing this," said Spike sarcastically.
"Look you'd better get going, thank God, it's not our usual doctor or the game would be up on the spot," said Buffy.
"What if the new guy wants to do an internal exam?" asked Spike.
"Let's cross that bridge when we come to it," said Giles.
"Time to go," said Buffy.
"Right I'll go get the car started," said Giles.
"No holding hands," said Willow.
Spike and Xander looked at her in horror.
"Thanks Red," said Spike.
"Have fun you guys," said Oz.
Buffy sat in the back seat with Spike.
"Thanks for doing this Spike, I know it's all my fault," she said.
"It's strange, I would be more pissed off about this in normal circumstances, I must be getting in touch with my feminine side," said Spike.
"I'd have to agree there," said Xander.
The short drive to the doctor's office was over all too soon; the car came to a halt outside.
"Well this is it," said Giles.
"Ready as I'll ever be," said Spike.
"I'll be here waiting for you, okay?" she said.
Spike and Buffy looked at each other, and kissed. A man passed the car walking his dog, shocked a the sight of two "women" making out in the back seat, Sunnydale really was going downhill these days, he thought to himself. Spike and Buffy separated.
"Shall we get moving then Harris?" asked Spike, eager to get it all over with.
Spike and Xander exited the car.
"I hope Spike and the baby are gonna be okay," said Buffy.
"I'm sure they will, but I think I should keep the engine running just in case," said Giles.
TBC