The Monster Guide to Jokes & Riddles
"Riddles!"
Edward Nigma cringed at the Joker's diminutive of his alter ego, but managed to remain polite. "Hello, Jack." He said, subtly looking around for the cleanest dining room chair to sit on. "Q and I brought you and Harley a gift."
The Joker looked expectantly over at Query, who was holding out what appeared to be a bottle of very upscale wine to Harley. Eddie had frowned when she'd selected it, intending to point out that they weren't that close to Joker and Harley, but Query had held up a hand, anticipating his objection.
"Listen to me." She'd said. "I know you don't like spending this much on him, but it's more for Harley than it is him. Believe me, she needs it."
Reflecting that he'd probably need it too, if he had to live with the Joker day in and day out, he'd diplomatically shut his mouth and bought the Weygandt-Metzler wine.
"Oh! Look at it!" The Joker trumpeted, swiping the bottle from Harley just as she'd begun to read it aloud. "This is fancy stuff, Ed. You shouldn't have."
Edward waved him off, found a bearable chair and swung it around to sit on it backwards, cowboy style. He needed a safe place to rest his hands, and the table wasn't it. The chair back was preferable. He shot his eyes over to Dee, who had settled into a chair of her own. She was watching the Joker very carefully. He was unpredictable and dangerous…to anyone. Even those he off and on chose to call 'friends', and she had no intention of letting her guard down around him.
"To what do we owe this pleasure?" Joker asked, losing interest in the wine bottle and handing it back to Harley. Either unconsciously or intentionally, he mimicked Eddie and pulled one of the spare chairs around backwards.
Eddie arched an eyebrow, as Harley leaned over and said in an audible whisper, "We invited 'em, Puddin'. Remember?"
Joker did a double take and looked up at the girl in such frank surprise that it almost made Eddie laugh. Dee quickly shot him a look and he fell silent. She was right. It was a hard and fast rule that one only laughed with the Joker, not at him.
He looked curiously at the Riddler, then at Query, then back at the Riddler. "Did I say what it was about?" He asked.
They both shook their heads.
"You didn't tell me either." Harley added, searching for a corkscrew to open the wine. "I know I'd remember."
The Joker snorted derisively at her and reached for his cigarettes. "Damn." He muttered. "I wonder…"
Eddie frowned slightly. Something was wrong here. Wrong with the Joker, at any rate. It wasn't that it was uncommon for him to forget things. Though he was exceptionally bright and perceptive, the man could also be absent-minded to a fault, and had the attention span of an ADD-stricken 5 year old. No, something else was wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it; but maybe Q would know. Her base instincts were much sharper than his were. She could catch subtle changes in people that he often overlooked or overanalyzed.
He glanced over at her again, trying to catch her gaze, but she was too involved in keeping an eye on the green-haired man to notice.
"Harl," the Joker was blatting again fumbling with his Zippo, "do you have that silly thing open yet? We need booze!"
"Almost, Mistah J! I hafta find some glasses, too!"
The Joker turned back to face his two guests, grinning his huge and empty grin.
"Well, since we're all together, how about a party game? Let's play 'Twister'!"
Before either Query or the Riddler could refuse, he got up, set down the smoke and lighter, and began to stalk off to find the game.
"He looks like he's drunk already." Query murmured over to Eddie. She sounded simultaneously amused and irritated, which made him smile. Smiling a little herself, she opened her mouth to make another comment, but stopped when she saw that Eddie's green eyes had suddenly gone wide. He had the almost blissful look on his face that he got when he solved a puzzle that had been stumping him. "What's wrong?" She asked, glancing after the Joker who was weaving a little as he walked, laughing to himself.
"He's on drugs." Edward said. Whether it was to himself, to her, or both, she didn't know. "LSD, or something." He turned to Dee and leaned in toward her. "Did you see his pupils? They're mismatched…one is dilated and the other is perfectly normal. That happens to schizophrenics and psychotics during their episodes. We know he's neither, but LSD users also tend to have enlarged or mismatched pupils."
Dee cocked her head, green own eyes skeptical. "Come on, Eddie. He's messed up for sure, but when have you even known him to drop a tab?"
Defeated, Eddie sunk back into his chair a bit. "You're right." He said, then brightened again. "Maybe someone slipped him something!"
"Who?" Dee scoffed. "Harley? She'd never do anything like that to him, unless it was a sedative. But I doubt she'd even go that far."
"Well, something is wrong with him." Eddie retorted. "Look at him…"
"What is it that's wrong with me, Eddiekins?" The Joker asked from the opening of the kitchen/dining. His hands were on his hips and he was smiling, but it didn't take a genius to see that he wasn't happy about this line of conversation. The slight challenge in his tone had given that away.
The Riddler turned around to look at the clown and debated whether or not to lie or tell the truth. The silence hung in the air like a heavy fog. Even irrepressible Harley, returning to the dining room with four Flintstones jelly glasses, had stopped in her tracks.
Edward went with the truth.
"You don't look well." He said at last. "Your eyes are glassy, one of your pupils is dilated, you're weaving when you walk, you're being clumsy with your hands…" He trailed off. The Joker looked at him expectantly, but Eddie shook his head. "That's all."
"I just woke up about ten minutes ago." The Joker pointed out, sounding defensive. "I'm sorry if I'm not up to your cocktail party standards, Piddle-Pants."
This last bit of name-calling did Query in. She stood up, grabbed the Nigma's wrist and said, "Come on. We're leaving."
"What?" The Joker called, trailing after them. "But you can't! We didn't even get to play a game!"
"Too bad." Query returned. "Be nice next time."
They reached the door and the Joker watched with some apprehension as the girl flung it open with a vitriol that he didn't like. He noticed Eddie murmur something to her, and she stared at him a moment before releasing him.
"Watch out for the stuffed shirt." The Riddler said, managing to make it sound ominous. Then he turned and went out into the drizzle. Query paused to look at Harley, then shrug, as if to say, 'Sorry. I don't what THAT was about.' Then she followed Edward outside, leaving a bewildered Harley and Joker to watch them go.
Dee Lemma trotted a couple of steps to catch up with Edward, pushing a lock of red hair behind her ear.
"What was that about, Tiger? Do you know what's going on?"
"No." Nigma replied, getting into the driver's side of the BMW. "All I know is who did this to him. I don't know how or why."
"What did that riddle about the stuffed shirt mean?" The girl asked, closing her own door.
Eddie grinned at her, though it wasn't precisely a happy expression.
"I'll tell you." And he did.