September 5

Draco,

YOU HAVENT GOT A DOG YOU FOOL! The closest thing to a dog in that house is YOU! Though, I never said I didn't enjoy dogs, mind you. By the way, it was you with my owl. Last night it gave birth to… baby Dracos! How do I know? Because they had blonde hair and tiny little pee-pees! But not to worry, I killed those half bloods in the Hogwarts Lake earlier this afternoon. If you ever see a floating owl with your head, just burn it. No need for any rumors spread about the school, now. Am I right?

You're afraid of people intercepting letters, yet you speak of your men in your bed! Can you spell

"W-e-a-s-l-e-y I-s O-u-r K-i-n-g"? Because I believe that could count as blackmail!

NEVER WRITE AGAIN, UNLESS I WRITE YOU FIRST! You're risking the exposure of our relationship! Do you know what that could mean? MY SACKING! I would never be close to little boys ever again! That would ruin me! I—I— er…nevermind.

But I will be at your house on the 13th, that is, if you're as lucky as that donkey hidden in my office. *thinks* that lucky jackass. I might turn up the day afterwards. Yes, one day before the new start of term. But if you'd like, I can forge a Hogwarts letter, and offer to bring you sooner. That is if I'm feeling generous. And trust me, you'll know when I'm feeling generous.

And about that punishment I was speaking of; only your sick mind could make it incredibly pleasurable. Nothing gets you, honestly. But that mule in my office here is being a bit loud. But not to worry, I've come up with a little method to shut it up. What you do is you stick your --*loud inexplicable noise while reading out loud *-- and you put it up his --*louder inexplicable noise while reading out loud *-- and it works quite well, if you know what I mean. Muahahah- *cough*cough*cough* -ahaha! Maybe I should try it on you! I bet you would bleed, or pass out in pain. Either way, I like it. Who cares about what the victim—er…the…lover thinks? God do I wish either these quills had erasers as we discussed before, or that this bloody parchment didn't cost my left nut! But then again the prosthetic actually works quite nice, as you already know. Have you ever noticed the ever so slight discoloration? I'd take the other one if you have. It's so realistic. Jesus Christ, talk about blackmail. BLOODY EXPENCIVE PARCHMENT!

Must be off, good day to you.

~Severus Millhouse Snape