September 10
Dearest Professor,
You wrote me back! I'm allowed to write to you! Ha! You old fool… with a nice butt and a nice tuft. Oh and I did notice something a bit wrong with your nut but it's been working quite nicely, I thoroughly enjoy it. But that one time six months ago, you might not remember because we did a lot six months ago, I think it got stuck up my ass. It took forever to get it out. Please say you've realized that it was missing? I'm still trying to figure out how it got there, but than again, I was dead drunk 'till about two weeks ago. I don't remember much about the last few years of my life. I must have been hit in the … "head" … too many times, if you know what I mean.
Speaking of head, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Have you ever thought about attending a blow job class? There's this guy named I.B. Godfocker in Diagon Alley I think could do you some good. He works at Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. If you let him do your pants for you, he'll give you a free five-minute session. He's quite good. Have you ever noticed how many pairs of pants I have? I have quite a few.
Oh, and I swear those aren't my Draco-owls! I don't have a little pee-pee! And I think you made Fred the Dog very angry. He wanted to see his first ever offspring! Poor little lad. Not only would he never have the joy of seeing his owl-children, but my mum named him Bill! How much would you hate to be called "Bill the Dog"? Oh look! I think he just died. Oh no. He was hit by…a…loose…rabid…Draco-owl! Yeah! That's it!
Please don't make me think about my poor Alan Dog! Such a loss. Anyways… This pain your putting me through is making me resort to Muggle Teenage Rock Music. I hope you're happy! Now that I'm a No Use For A Name groupie! I never wanted to be a Muggle-groupie! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
Yours Truly,
~ Draco Houseman Malfoy