Abby emerged from the shower, still holding on to Nathalie. She hardly ever
let her go now; it was like she was hanging on to the only thing that had
been constant in her life so far. She barely spoke, barely ate and just
sat; pondering and worrying over the prospect of returning to her mother
with an apology she had long delayed. She was frightened of, when she
finally got the courage to talk and apologise, getting a rejection or
beginning a new argument.
"You ready?" Eric asked, knocking on the door.
"Almost," came Abby's reply. Dread was already settling in her stomach like the cold, leftover tea leaves from memories past. She quickly gathered up her handbag and put Nathalie into her baby carrier. Her daughter smiled and waved her arms.
"Hey, happy little baby," Abby murmured and forced a smile. At least someone was happy.
* * *
Abby followed Eric around the hospital, in and out of elevators, down endless shiny corridors, not thinking, not looking up. She watched her feet automatically move while her mind was wandering somewhere else, probably already half-way home. She was jolted back to her senses when she walked into Eric, unaware he had stopped walking. He turned around and smiled at her. She immediately felt stupid.
"Don't worry about it, Abby," he told her, kindly. This wasn't just about her walking into him, now. They were standing outside the door to a room, and in the room, through the glass, Abby could see Maggie lying old and frail between the immaculate sheets. Eric turned the handle and led her into the room. Maggie looked up and smiled at Eric. Then Abby emerged from behind him and Maggie's eyes lit up with a mixture of surprise, happiness and apprehension.
"Hi, Mom," Eric greeted, but Maggie didn't reply, she stayed staring at Abby.
"Erm.hi," Abby smiled awkwardly. Eric went over and sat by her bed, but Abby felt she could no longer move. She put Nathalie's carrier down and stood still at the foot of the bed, half-hoping that if she stayed still for long enough, they might forget she was here. Unfortunately, her plan didn't work for, as soon as she put Nathalie down, she began to wail.
"What's that?" Maggie asked, despite the fact it was quite obvious. Abby began to feel embarrassed that she hadn't told her mother she had a baby and picked Nathalie up and walked closer to Maggie.
"I had a baby," Abby answered. "With Carter. Her name's Nathalie."
"That's great," Maggie said with fake enthusiasm. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I.er.I forgot," Abby held Nathalie closer; she didn't really want to hand her over for her mother's inspection, but Maggie held out her arms.
"Can I hold her?" she asked. Abby obediently passed Nathalie over to Maggie and took a seat beside Eric.
"She's so cute," Maggie commented, before asking, as innocently as possible: "So, where is Carter?" Abby, despite coming here with good intentions, flared up when she said this.
"He's at home, he couldn't get leave," she snapped. "Not all marriages fail, you know." Eric got up.
"I'll wait outside," he said, hurriedly, and left.
"Well you don't need to bite my head off as soon as you come," Maggie told her. "I think I can die without your help, thanks."
"For god's sake, don't try and get my sympathy," Abby rolled her eyes. "And anyway, I think you'll find that without my help you would've killed yourself years ago, or else you would've killed me or Eric."
"You always have to dig up the past, don't you Abby?" Maggie snapped. "You can't just leave things be, can you?"
"What? You want me to just gloss over it and pretend it never happened?"
"Yes, that would be nice."
"Why? Why should I?"
"Because it's all over now. I'm on my meds, what more do you want?" Maggie argued. Nathalie began to whimper at the raised voices.
"Now, look what you've done," Abby took back her baby. "You're great with kids, aren't you, Mom. Just like with me and Eric."
"You think I did it all on purpose? Just to spite my kids?"
"Well you definitely didn't try."
"You're wrong, Abby. I did try. When you were born, it changed my life." Maggie replied in a quietly calm voice. "I tried so hard to care for you, I would've done anything for you, but I just wasn't strong enough. I loved you more than anything in the world and you were everything to me. But then I made one stupid mistake because I forgot about how much you meant to me and then my life fell to pieces and I couldn't put it back again."
"How could you not manage to even get some of your life back again?" Abby asked, incredulously. "You had Eric, didn't you? And it's not like I ever went away. Don't tell me you could never ever have gone back to normal if you tried."
"Look, you've never had it, you don't know," Maggie told her.
"Don't use that excuse again. I've lived with it all my life, too, haven't I?"
"It's not the same," Maggie protested.
"Seriously, you can't keep making excuses for yourself," Abby answered. "I came here to apologise, hoping we could all forget this, but, you know, I can't. This sort of thing can't be forgotten. But don't say I didn't try." She got up, picked up Nathalie's baby carrier and left. Eric sat in the corridor, waiting patiently.
"Abby." he called after her, as she stormed off down the corridor. "Abby, wait."
But Abby kept on walking. She needed to get away from them. They only brought out the worst in her with taunting memories of a childhood she never really had. The cold early spring air sharpened her mind and she breathed it in deeply as soon as she got outside. It was days like these that reminded her of her old nicotine cravings, but she remembered Nathalie, sitting quietly in the baby carrier and she shook them away. See? She gave up smoking when she found out she was pregnant. Why couldn't Maggie have just stayed on her meds? Was it really too much to ask?
* * *
She sat in the hotel room and stared at the pastel wallpaper in the semi- light. Nathalie slept deeply whilst Abby replayed the conversation in her brain. Each time she heard Maggie's mini-speech, she heard something new in it and she began to have images of Maggie and her new baby daughter, exactly how Abby and Nathalie were now. What if she became like Maggie? What if she was the terrible mother Maggie was to her? She knelt by her sleeping baby and pictured Maggie kneeling over her when she was a baby. She shuddered.
"Please don't let that happen," she whispered to empty air. She took Nathalie's tiny hand in her own and stroked her little fingers. She stayed up all night, sitting by Nathalie and worrying.
"You ready?" Eric asked, knocking on the door.
"Almost," came Abby's reply. Dread was already settling in her stomach like the cold, leftover tea leaves from memories past. She quickly gathered up her handbag and put Nathalie into her baby carrier. Her daughter smiled and waved her arms.
"Hey, happy little baby," Abby murmured and forced a smile. At least someone was happy.
* * *
Abby followed Eric around the hospital, in and out of elevators, down endless shiny corridors, not thinking, not looking up. She watched her feet automatically move while her mind was wandering somewhere else, probably already half-way home. She was jolted back to her senses when she walked into Eric, unaware he had stopped walking. He turned around and smiled at her. She immediately felt stupid.
"Don't worry about it, Abby," he told her, kindly. This wasn't just about her walking into him, now. They were standing outside the door to a room, and in the room, through the glass, Abby could see Maggie lying old and frail between the immaculate sheets. Eric turned the handle and led her into the room. Maggie looked up and smiled at Eric. Then Abby emerged from behind him and Maggie's eyes lit up with a mixture of surprise, happiness and apprehension.
"Hi, Mom," Eric greeted, but Maggie didn't reply, she stayed staring at Abby.
"Erm.hi," Abby smiled awkwardly. Eric went over and sat by her bed, but Abby felt she could no longer move. She put Nathalie's carrier down and stood still at the foot of the bed, half-hoping that if she stayed still for long enough, they might forget she was here. Unfortunately, her plan didn't work for, as soon as she put Nathalie down, she began to wail.
"What's that?" Maggie asked, despite the fact it was quite obvious. Abby began to feel embarrassed that she hadn't told her mother she had a baby and picked Nathalie up and walked closer to Maggie.
"I had a baby," Abby answered. "With Carter. Her name's Nathalie."
"That's great," Maggie said with fake enthusiasm. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I.er.I forgot," Abby held Nathalie closer; she didn't really want to hand her over for her mother's inspection, but Maggie held out her arms.
"Can I hold her?" she asked. Abby obediently passed Nathalie over to Maggie and took a seat beside Eric.
"She's so cute," Maggie commented, before asking, as innocently as possible: "So, where is Carter?" Abby, despite coming here with good intentions, flared up when she said this.
"He's at home, he couldn't get leave," she snapped. "Not all marriages fail, you know." Eric got up.
"I'll wait outside," he said, hurriedly, and left.
"Well you don't need to bite my head off as soon as you come," Maggie told her. "I think I can die without your help, thanks."
"For god's sake, don't try and get my sympathy," Abby rolled her eyes. "And anyway, I think you'll find that without my help you would've killed yourself years ago, or else you would've killed me or Eric."
"You always have to dig up the past, don't you Abby?" Maggie snapped. "You can't just leave things be, can you?"
"What? You want me to just gloss over it and pretend it never happened?"
"Yes, that would be nice."
"Why? Why should I?"
"Because it's all over now. I'm on my meds, what more do you want?" Maggie argued. Nathalie began to whimper at the raised voices.
"Now, look what you've done," Abby took back her baby. "You're great with kids, aren't you, Mom. Just like with me and Eric."
"You think I did it all on purpose? Just to spite my kids?"
"Well you definitely didn't try."
"You're wrong, Abby. I did try. When you were born, it changed my life." Maggie replied in a quietly calm voice. "I tried so hard to care for you, I would've done anything for you, but I just wasn't strong enough. I loved you more than anything in the world and you were everything to me. But then I made one stupid mistake because I forgot about how much you meant to me and then my life fell to pieces and I couldn't put it back again."
"How could you not manage to even get some of your life back again?" Abby asked, incredulously. "You had Eric, didn't you? And it's not like I ever went away. Don't tell me you could never ever have gone back to normal if you tried."
"Look, you've never had it, you don't know," Maggie told her.
"Don't use that excuse again. I've lived with it all my life, too, haven't I?"
"It's not the same," Maggie protested.
"Seriously, you can't keep making excuses for yourself," Abby answered. "I came here to apologise, hoping we could all forget this, but, you know, I can't. This sort of thing can't be forgotten. But don't say I didn't try." She got up, picked up Nathalie's baby carrier and left. Eric sat in the corridor, waiting patiently.
"Abby." he called after her, as she stormed off down the corridor. "Abby, wait."
But Abby kept on walking. She needed to get away from them. They only brought out the worst in her with taunting memories of a childhood she never really had. The cold early spring air sharpened her mind and she breathed it in deeply as soon as she got outside. It was days like these that reminded her of her old nicotine cravings, but she remembered Nathalie, sitting quietly in the baby carrier and she shook them away. See? She gave up smoking when she found out she was pregnant. Why couldn't Maggie have just stayed on her meds? Was it really too much to ask?
* * *
She sat in the hotel room and stared at the pastel wallpaper in the semi- light. Nathalie slept deeply whilst Abby replayed the conversation in her brain. Each time she heard Maggie's mini-speech, she heard something new in it and she began to have images of Maggie and her new baby daughter, exactly how Abby and Nathalie were now. What if she became like Maggie? What if she was the terrible mother Maggie was to her? She knelt by her sleeping baby and pictured Maggie kneeling over her when she was a baby. She shuddered.
"Please don't let that happen," she whispered to empty air. She took Nathalie's tiny hand in her own and stroked her little fingers. She stayed up all night, sitting by Nathalie and worrying.