The next day, all the first years gathered into the Great Hall, where a stage had been set up. "Okay, apparently auditions are today. If you want to be James, please go over there. If you want to be Miss Spider, go there. If you want to be Centipede, go there…" And the such.
"What about the rhino?" Sirius asked, raising a hand.
"Oh, you're the centipede Sirius, don't bother." Dumbledore said.
"What? Why are you auditioning people then?" Remus asked.
"It's a technicality. I was talking to this woman from Danvers who runs the musicals for their high school. You always have the parts selected before the auditions. The auditions just make students feel like they have a chance. Build their hopes up."
"To knock them down?" Peter asked.
"Well, yes but they're up for awhile anyway. Don't look so sad, you have a lead role."
SKIPPY SKIPPY
"He made me the peach! THE PEACH!!!" Peter bellowed at lunch.
"Yeah, well you're all short and round. You make a good peach. All we need to do is roll you in paint." Sirius said.
"That's a good idea." Jezzebel said. She was the costume designer.
"No, no paint!" Peter argued.
"Okay fine, be boring. I was talking to Professor McGonagall though, and I was thinking about transfiguring extra limbs onto the insects. She said she'd help me with it." Jezzebel said.
"So I'd have a hundred limbs?" Sirius asked, looking scared.
"No, we'll just sew some booties onto your costume. That would take too long. But like, Severus is being the Grasshopper. So we could give him some extra limbs." This was met with smiles of delight from the assembled Gryffindors. "And Lily Evans is being the spider, so she'd get some extra legs."
"What?!" Lily shrieked. "I don't want extra legs! I'll look ugly!"
"Well you're being a spider." James noted.
"Oh shut up Jeremy!"
"My name is James! James! James!"
"Ooo, that's one of your lines." Sirius said, looking through the music. Then he started singing. "My name is James, James, James…"
"Shut up!"
"James, James, James how are ya? Isn't it a lovely day…" Sirius sang.
"James, James, James, we're so glad you came here where we are, from so vewy, vewy, vewy far!" The Slytherins chorused.
Sirius poked James. He scowled. Sirius poked him again. "My name is James. James. James." He said in a flat tone. The Hufflepuffs clapped. The Ravenclaws looked at their scripts, looked up, then looked back down.
"I heard Crabbe's doing choreography, that's not right, is it?" Remus asked.
"Yeah it is." James answered.
"He can barely walk!" Sirius exclaimed.
"But he's one hell of a dancer. He takes ballet you know." James said.
"Huh. That is odd." Lily looked down at the list, then up at Remus. "Remus, you realize you're going to be all alone with a bunch of Slytherins, right?"
"What?" He asked in a small voice.
"You've been cast as a pirate, along with Crabbe, Goyle, Avery and Romulus."
"Romulus?" He squeaked.
"Yeah. Hey, isn't that that guy who gave you a head swirlie yesterday?" Peter asked.
"Yes. In Moaning Myrtle's toilet. He also made me eat a handful of dirt and stuffed me in one of the suits of armor." Remus said quietly. "The suit's been reacting oddly. It made a pass at me this morning."
"Remus, you're really weird, you know that? I mean, everything you mentioned's happened to me before, except the pass thing." Peter said. "The suit of armor I was stuck in got rather sick. I'm insulted!" Peter exclaimed as that registered.
"Poor Remus." Romulus said, from behind Remus, who jumped three feet, then stood behind Sirius.
"Go away." Remus whispered.
"Gladly. I'll have plenty of time to see you during rehearsals." Romulus said with a huge smile.
"That can be taken in so many ways…" James noted.
"Someone's waking up bald tomorrow." Sirius growled, watching Romulus.
"That can be taken in so many ways…" James repeated, but was smacked by Sirius.
"No, bullies aren't smart! It's a sicklickle thing! He won't understand that the more he messes with me, the more you'll humiliate him! He'll think if he beats me worse then you'll stop! Bullies are stupid Sirius!" Remus yelped.
"Oh come on, can I give him a raindbow afro?" Sirius asked. "I haven't tried that one yet…since McGonagall. And I just got a new box of dung bombs, industrial size."
"No! He'll kill me!" Remus eeped.
"Rainbow afro it is then." Sirius decided.
SKIPPY SKIPPY
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Remus threw his books and ran, climbing up a nearby tree. Sirius, James and Peter watched from their spots by the lake.
"I didn't do it! It was Sirius! Go away!" Remus called from his spot in the tree. He started throwing acorns at Romulus, who was climbing up the tree steadily, rainbow afro swaying.
"Hey!" Sirius grabbed Romulus' ankle and started pulling him down. "Get away from him!"
"Sod off!" Romulus growled. He shook Sirius off and climbed the tree. Remus looked from Romulus, to the lake, to Romulus, to the lake, then leapt off the tree branch and into the lake.
"I didn't think Remus could swim." Peter noted.
"He can't." James explained.
"Aah."
"Help!" Bubble. "Help!"
"Hee hee. Turd can't swim." Romulus laughed.
A kelpie popped up behind Remus. Remus screamed and started thrashing more wildly. "Remus, you know the spell to fend off kelpies!" Sirius called.
"Must be hard to do without oxygen though." James observed, sitting down and watching the show. Peter sat down next to him.
"I hope it doesn't have rabies." Peter muttered.
Sirius, who had now climbed the tree, pushed Romulus in. The kelpie turned for Romulus, as he had a bit more meat on him than Remus. Then Sirius grabbed a stick and set it down into the lake near Remus. He pulled Remus out, which Romulus tried to swim away from the kelpie.
"You ass!" Remus yelled, as soon as he could breathe properly.
"What? I just saved your life!" Sirius argued.
"Yeah, but it wouldn't have been in danger if you hadn't gotten Romulus after me!" Remus pushed Sirius into the lake. "I'm going to Madam Pomfrey's."
"Hey! Someone help, the squid's-" Gurgle.
"What about the rhino?" Sirius asked, raising a hand.
"Oh, you're the centipede Sirius, don't bother." Dumbledore said.
"What? Why are you auditioning people then?" Remus asked.
"It's a technicality. I was talking to this woman from Danvers who runs the musicals for their high school. You always have the parts selected before the auditions. The auditions just make students feel like they have a chance. Build their hopes up."
"To knock them down?" Peter asked.
"Well, yes but they're up for awhile anyway. Don't look so sad, you have a lead role."
SKIPPY SKIPPY
"He made me the peach! THE PEACH!!!" Peter bellowed at lunch.
"Yeah, well you're all short and round. You make a good peach. All we need to do is roll you in paint." Sirius said.
"That's a good idea." Jezzebel said. She was the costume designer.
"No, no paint!" Peter argued.
"Okay fine, be boring. I was talking to Professor McGonagall though, and I was thinking about transfiguring extra limbs onto the insects. She said she'd help me with it." Jezzebel said.
"So I'd have a hundred limbs?" Sirius asked, looking scared.
"No, we'll just sew some booties onto your costume. That would take too long. But like, Severus is being the Grasshopper. So we could give him some extra limbs." This was met with smiles of delight from the assembled Gryffindors. "And Lily Evans is being the spider, so she'd get some extra legs."
"What?!" Lily shrieked. "I don't want extra legs! I'll look ugly!"
"Well you're being a spider." James noted.
"Oh shut up Jeremy!"
"My name is James! James! James!"
"Ooo, that's one of your lines." Sirius said, looking through the music. Then he started singing. "My name is James, James, James…"
"Shut up!"
"James, James, James how are ya? Isn't it a lovely day…" Sirius sang.
"James, James, James, we're so glad you came here where we are, from so vewy, vewy, vewy far!" The Slytherins chorused.
Sirius poked James. He scowled. Sirius poked him again. "My name is James. James. James." He said in a flat tone. The Hufflepuffs clapped. The Ravenclaws looked at their scripts, looked up, then looked back down.
"I heard Crabbe's doing choreography, that's not right, is it?" Remus asked.
"Yeah it is." James answered.
"He can barely walk!" Sirius exclaimed.
"But he's one hell of a dancer. He takes ballet you know." James said.
"Huh. That is odd." Lily looked down at the list, then up at Remus. "Remus, you realize you're going to be all alone with a bunch of Slytherins, right?"
"What?" He asked in a small voice.
"You've been cast as a pirate, along with Crabbe, Goyle, Avery and Romulus."
"Romulus?" He squeaked.
"Yeah. Hey, isn't that that guy who gave you a head swirlie yesterday?" Peter asked.
"Yes. In Moaning Myrtle's toilet. He also made me eat a handful of dirt and stuffed me in one of the suits of armor." Remus said quietly. "The suit's been reacting oddly. It made a pass at me this morning."
"Remus, you're really weird, you know that? I mean, everything you mentioned's happened to me before, except the pass thing." Peter said. "The suit of armor I was stuck in got rather sick. I'm insulted!" Peter exclaimed as that registered.
"Poor Remus." Romulus said, from behind Remus, who jumped three feet, then stood behind Sirius.
"Go away." Remus whispered.
"Gladly. I'll have plenty of time to see you during rehearsals." Romulus said with a huge smile.
"That can be taken in so many ways…" James noted.
"Someone's waking up bald tomorrow." Sirius growled, watching Romulus.
"That can be taken in so many ways…" James repeated, but was smacked by Sirius.
"No, bullies aren't smart! It's a sicklickle thing! He won't understand that the more he messes with me, the more you'll humiliate him! He'll think if he beats me worse then you'll stop! Bullies are stupid Sirius!" Remus yelped.
"Oh come on, can I give him a raindbow afro?" Sirius asked. "I haven't tried that one yet…since McGonagall. And I just got a new box of dung bombs, industrial size."
"No! He'll kill me!" Remus eeped.
"Rainbow afro it is then." Sirius decided.
SKIPPY SKIPPY
"I'm gonna fucking kill you!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Remus threw his books and ran, climbing up a nearby tree. Sirius, James and Peter watched from their spots by the lake.
"I didn't do it! It was Sirius! Go away!" Remus called from his spot in the tree. He started throwing acorns at Romulus, who was climbing up the tree steadily, rainbow afro swaying.
"Hey!" Sirius grabbed Romulus' ankle and started pulling him down. "Get away from him!"
"Sod off!" Romulus growled. He shook Sirius off and climbed the tree. Remus looked from Romulus, to the lake, to Romulus, to the lake, then leapt off the tree branch and into the lake.
"I didn't think Remus could swim." Peter noted.
"He can't." James explained.
"Aah."
"Help!" Bubble. "Help!"
"Hee hee. Turd can't swim." Romulus laughed.
A kelpie popped up behind Remus. Remus screamed and started thrashing more wildly. "Remus, you know the spell to fend off kelpies!" Sirius called.
"Must be hard to do without oxygen though." James observed, sitting down and watching the show. Peter sat down next to him.
"I hope it doesn't have rabies." Peter muttered.
Sirius, who had now climbed the tree, pushed Romulus in. The kelpie turned for Romulus, as he had a bit more meat on him than Remus. Then Sirius grabbed a stick and set it down into the lake near Remus. He pulled Remus out, which Romulus tried to swim away from the kelpie.
"You ass!" Remus yelled, as soon as he could breathe properly.
"What? I just saved your life!" Sirius argued.
"Yeah, but it wouldn't have been in danger if you hadn't gotten Romulus after me!" Remus pushed Sirius into the lake. "I'm going to Madam Pomfrey's."
"Hey! Someone help, the squid's-" Gurgle.