Author's Notes: This is gonna go on for ages. See, we've got quite a bit of this story written, but we're covering the whole play, and we plan on doing the cast party as well. We've written about half-way into the movie…so for awhile expect constant updates and then…yeah. Oh, and we started writing this before we read the fifth book…so er, Trelawney is teaching at the school even though she started after Snape's been there a few years. Now if JK had included that in the FOURTH book…but I digress. We're not taking her out because she's too funny, even though she really shouldn't be there. And thanks to the kind people who have already reviewed! We love-a you! J
OPENING NIGHT
"I don't know my lines!"
"Well it's not like you have a big part or anything-"
"I'm the title character you idiot!" James yelled at Sirius.
"Well you should've memorized your lines instead of freaking out over people mispronouncing your name." Sirius noted.
"They were calling me something else entirely!" James snapped.
"Hey…Glasses! Uh, we need you on the stage!" A Hufflepuff stage hand called.
"Glasses?"
"It spread around about your freak out in the common room and now no one's sure what to call you. So I said to call you Glasses." Sirius explained.
"Why didn't you tell them to call me James?" James asked.
"Because Glasses is funnier than James, Glasses."
"Sod off."
"Ay, you wank…ankle."
"Wankankle?" James asked.
"Well if I say wanker, I'll AAAAAAAARGGGHKL!!! Hey, there was a delay on that one. Hmm…pra-AAAAAAAAAA!!!! Nope."
Second year and up filed into the Great Hall to watch the first years play. The second years were all heavily bandaged, and not looking forward to their performance, which was to follow the first years. The penguins had been rounded up and sat in cages in front of the stage.
"Where are Helena and Bob?" James asked, referring to the Hufflepuffs cast as the Trotters.
"Well, uh…see there was a freak accident with the Penguins and, um…they're dead now. But we have replacements." Jezzebel explained, holding up sock puppets.
"There's something odd going on with the Hufflepuffs, with Helena and Bob gone, that makes six dead this year." James noted.
"Whoa. Wonder how many will be gone by June. We're gonna have a record this year." Jezzebel said. "Okay, get on stage."
"What?"
James was pushed out on the stage with one sock puppet on either hand. He looked around anxiously for cue cards, but didn't see any. The spot light glared in his eyes. Dead silence. He coughed.
"Erm…hello…son." He said in a deep voice, wiggling the dad puppet. "Hey dad!"
"You suck!" Someone from the audience shouted.
"Shut up Sirius!" He hissed. "Gee…ma…I love you both." He criss crossed his arms and hugged the sock puppets. "We're gonna go to New York some day." He said in an airy sort of voice. "Say, is that a rhino I hear?" Pause. "I said, IS THAT A RHINO I HEAR?!"
"We can't find the rhino!" A Hufflepuff squeaked. "Stall!"
"What?" He whispered. He cleared his throat nervously. "How bout that weather huh? Cloudy eh? Wonder if it's gonna rain…hey, that cloud looks like a tree, don't it Dad? Yeah it does son. Yeah, and that cloud looks like a stage hand…falling…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Ow. I'm okay!" A voice from above shouted.
"And that looks like-"
"We found him!" Jezzebel squealed.
"A rhino! Ah!"
The Bloody Baron with a paper towel roll glued to his head came sweeping out over the audience, scaring a few of the younger students. He chased James around a little, until he pulled off the sock puppets, threw them at the Baron, and climbed up the rigging.
The Baron started tearing apart the sock puppets, growling and chewing on them as the horrified audience looked on. He paused, noting the dead silence and stares, then bowed. The audience clapped nervously, then the curtain closed.
"INTERMISSION!!!" Lily shouted. "Why are we having an intermission after the first scene?!"
"Because…we're having a problem with Spiker and Sponge. They're having a bit of a cat fight." Peter explained.
"It's disturbing. McGongall just smacked Trelawney and called her a ho." Sirius explained. "I could use some pop corn."
"I think it's good we're having an intermission now, because I need to change my underpants! Fucking Bloody Baron!" James yelled, climbing down from his hiding place.
"Um…where are my muffins?" Lorn asked.
"Oh, the ones you made for the bake sale?" Jezzebel asked.
"No…those were special muffins." Lorn said, putting emphasis on the special.
"She sold the muffins!" Sirius squeaked. "Those were OUR muffins!"
"Forget that, Flitwick's got one!" Lorn yelled.
"Ooo…that's going to be interesting." Sirius said with a grimace while Lorn started laughing.
"I don't get it. Is there something wrong with the muffins?" Peter asked.
"Flitwick's doing a lap dance for Hagrid, I think there's something wrong with the muffins!" James yelled.
"Shut up Jeremy."
"My na…never mind."
"Well they're gonna like the play more this way at least." Remus rationalized.
OPENING NIGHT
"I don't know my lines!"
"Well it's not like you have a big part or anything-"
"I'm the title character you idiot!" James yelled at Sirius.
"Well you should've memorized your lines instead of freaking out over people mispronouncing your name." Sirius noted.
"They were calling me something else entirely!" James snapped.
"Hey…Glasses! Uh, we need you on the stage!" A Hufflepuff stage hand called.
"Glasses?"
"It spread around about your freak out in the common room and now no one's sure what to call you. So I said to call you Glasses." Sirius explained.
"Why didn't you tell them to call me James?" James asked.
"Because Glasses is funnier than James, Glasses."
"Sod off."
"Ay, you wank…ankle."
"Wankankle?" James asked.
"Well if I say wanker, I'll AAAAAAAARGGGHKL!!! Hey, there was a delay on that one. Hmm…pra-AAAAAAAAAA!!!! Nope."
Second year and up filed into the Great Hall to watch the first years play. The second years were all heavily bandaged, and not looking forward to their performance, which was to follow the first years. The penguins had been rounded up and sat in cages in front of the stage.
"Where are Helena and Bob?" James asked, referring to the Hufflepuffs cast as the Trotters.
"Well, uh…see there was a freak accident with the Penguins and, um…they're dead now. But we have replacements." Jezzebel explained, holding up sock puppets.
"There's something odd going on with the Hufflepuffs, with Helena and Bob gone, that makes six dead this year." James noted.
"Whoa. Wonder how many will be gone by June. We're gonna have a record this year." Jezzebel said. "Okay, get on stage."
"What?"
James was pushed out on the stage with one sock puppet on either hand. He looked around anxiously for cue cards, but didn't see any. The spot light glared in his eyes. Dead silence. He coughed.
"Erm…hello…son." He said in a deep voice, wiggling the dad puppet. "Hey dad!"
"You suck!" Someone from the audience shouted.
"Shut up Sirius!" He hissed. "Gee…ma…I love you both." He criss crossed his arms and hugged the sock puppets. "We're gonna go to New York some day." He said in an airy sort of voice. "Say, is that a rhino I hear?" Pause. "I said, IS THAT A RHINO I HEAR?!"
"We can't find the rhino!" A Hufflepuff squeaked. "Stall!"
"What?" He whispered. He cleared his throat nervously. "How bout that weather huh? Cloudy eh? Wonder if it's gonna rain…hey, that cloud looks like a tree, don't it Dad? Yeah it does son. Yeah, and that cloud looks like a stage hand…falling…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Ow. I'm okay!" A voice from above shouted.
"And that looks like-"
"We found him!" Jezzebel squealed.
"A rhino! Ah!"
The Bloody Baron with a paper towel roll glued to his head came sweeping out over the audience, scaring a few of the younger students. He chased James around a little, until he pulled off the sock puppets, threw them at the Baron, and climbed up the rigging.
The Baron started tearing apart the sock puppets, growling and chewing on them as the horrified audience looked on. He paused, noting the dead silence and stares, then bowed. The audience clapped nervously, then the curtain closed.
"INTERMISSION!!!" Lily shouted. "Why are we having an intermission after the first scene?!"
"Because…we're having a problem with Spiker and Sponge. They're having a bit of a cat fight." Peter explained.
"It's disturbing. McGongall just smacked Trelawney and called her a ho." Sirius explained. "I could use some pop corn."
"I think it's good we're having an intermission now, because I need to change my underpants! Fucking Bloody Baron!" James yelled, climbing down from his hiding place.
"Um…where are my muffins?" Lorn asked.
"Oh, the ones you made for the bake sale?" Jezzebel asked.
"No…those were special muffins." Lorn said, putting emphasis on the special.
"She sold the muffins!" Sirius squeaked. "Those were OUR muffins!"
"Forget that, Flitwick's got one!" Lorn yelled.
"Ooo…that's going to be interesting." Sirius said with a grimace while Lorn started laughing.
"I don't get it. Is there something wrong with the muffins?" Peter asked.
"Flitwick's doing a lap dance for Hagrid, I think there's something wrong with the muffins!" James yelled.
"Shut up Jeremy."
"My na…never mind."
"Well they're gonna like the play more this way at least." Remus rationalized.