"Act 2! We got McGonagall off of Trelawney. Sirius, where's your bactine? Jeremy, go out there and start pretending to clean, we'll have the professors out in a minute." Jezzebel said.
"What? I don't know my lines!"
"No one does! Wing it!"
"I thought we were getting cue cards." He muttered. He walked out on stage and pretended to sweep the floor for ten minutes straight while random audience members started giggling, some drooling.
"Vile…insect? What's my line again?" Trelawney asked from offstage.
"Can't the stars tell you? Vile worm." McGonagall answered sternly.
"That's it! Vile worm! Clean harder!" Trelawney and McGonagall came out in Spiker and Sponge garb. "Cut the grass with this here shoe! You'll be dead by January, the rhino will come and kill you, I read it in the leaves, the tea leaves Po-"
"That grow on the yard…near the peach tree." McGonagall interrupted. "That hasn't blossomed in…er…quite some time."
"I predict that sometime soon something will happen!" Trelawney called. "Something terrible that none of you will forget until the day you die." She went into a sort of trance. McGonagall snapped near her ears. "Vile worm!"
"Right. Here's supper, we're going to relax now." McGonagall threw an empty bag of potato chips at James and the two exited stage right.
Some music started up. James looked at the audience, panicked. "My name is James…that's what sock-Mum called me! My name is James…so it's always been. Sometimes you forget, and call me Jeremy…but there's something or other…very far away from here. Very far away."
The music tinkled a bit and he thought it was an instrumental break, but Jezzebel motioned from offstage that he was supposed to be singing. "James! James! James! How are ya? Isn't it a lovely day…James! James! James! We're so glad you came here where we are…from so very, very, very far…" He paused. Jezzebel threw a script at his head.
"My name is James. James. James." The lights dimmed and the curtain closed "Oh bollocks!", then opened again. "Good night spider!" Then they shut again.
A minute later the curtain opened and a shrunken Lily was onstage crawling around with McGonagall and Trelawney trying to kill her with a shoe. She screamed in terror, until James picked her up and ran offstage. Then McGonagall and Trelawney realized they were the ones who were supposed to have exited and ran off, and James ran back on.
"Here…spider…go free. Run wild and free! Wish I could…I guess. Run to New York. Yup yup."
"And what's stopping you?" Lorn asked, appearing out of nowhere behind James.
"Oooo…." Went the audience. James and Lorn regarded them in a confused matter.
"Don't be frightened James, I mean you no harm."
"Well you know my name! …How?" James stuttered. Lorn rolled his eyes.
"I know more than just your name. What would you say if I were to tell you that the answer to all your troubles is right here, inside this little bag?"
Pause. Lorn elbowed James. "Hey, that's…mine, right?"
"Of course it is, of course it is. Go on James, have a look." James stood perfectly still and blinked at Lorn. "Have a look."
"Oh! Right!" James peered into the little bag of glowing green things. "Ew."
"There's more magic in those things than in all the rest of the world put together." James again stood still and waited for Lorn to continue, so he mouthed James' line.
"…umm, what are those?" James repeated warily.
"Crocodile tongues. 1000 long slimy crocodile tongues. Boiled in the skull of a dead witch (Gasp!) for twenty days and twenty nights then add the fingers of a young monkey, the gizzard of a pig, the beak of a parrot and 3 spoonfuls of sugar, stew for a week then let the moon (blink, and his eye changed into a full moon. The audience gasped, then giggled) do the rest. (Blink, changed back) Have them, and marvellous things will happen. Things even you never dreamt of." Another long pause.
"Oh, like what?" James asked.
"Well like you'll never be miserable again. And you are miserable, aren't you James? You want them?"
"Yes." Lorn whispered.
"Yes!" James shouted. Lorn slapped his hand to his forehead, then continued through gritted teeth.
"You weren't meant to be you know. And that place you dreamt of, it's not as far away as you think."
Lorn motioned to a wall. James stared at him stupidly, then Lorn shoved him in front of the wall where he saw a picture of New York.
"New York?"
"And it'll be that much closer, once you take the first step." At this point, Lorn had given up on James knowing his lines, so he was manipulating James' mind to make him say the right thing.
"How? This doesn't make any sense." Puppet James said. Lorn had magically appeared on the other side of the wall.
"Not up here it doesn't. (Point to forehead) The answers are in here. (Touches finger to James' heart area) And the magic is in here. (Now Lorn is on James' side of the wall) So James what'll it be?" James reached out for the bag of tongues. "Now listen to me James. Don't let them get away because if they do they'll work their magic on whoever or whatever they meet first. Understand? (James nodded) Good." And then Lorn disappeared with smoke and wind and the such.
And James blinked stupidly because he was coming out of a trance.
"Did you kill that spider yet?!" McGonagall snapped, coming in from offstage.
"Not yet Minerva." Dumbledore hissed.
"What?" James asked. Then Lorn telekinetically shoved him and he dropped the bag. All the green things jumped offstage. James stood there, until Lorn used some more mind powers and made him crawl around on all fours. It looked rather awkward at first, as Lorn had little experience in manipulation of other humans, but then he had some fun making James slap himself.
"Right. Vile worm, done killing that spider?" McGonagall asked.
"Uh…yeah. It's pretty dead. You should see it, all squished like that." James stuttered.
"Let's beat him now." Trelawney said. "I predicted it so this morning."
"It is the morning you imbecile." McGongall snapped. "Oh look, a peach."
"That was my line." Trelawney whined.
"Shut up you stupid-"
"Professor!" James shouted. "I mean, auntie. You shouldn't call auntie Sponge what you're thinking of calling her. Want me to get that peach?"
"Sure." McGonagall said.
"Wait, it's growing." Trelawney said. "Um, it's growing. Now! Start growing peach!"
"Inflate the balloon!" Jezzebel whispered.
"It's not a balloon anymore." A Hufflepuff called.
"Right. Inflate the peach suit!" She hissed.
And then Peter was lowered onstage by a pulley in a deflated peach suit. It started blowing up, and his little arms started flailing. He was squeaking something about not being able to breathe, so they deflated it a little until he gave them the thumbs up.
"It…er…smells good." Trelawney said, moving forward.
"No Sponge, don't eat it. It smells like money." McGonagall snapped.
"What? I don't know my lines!"
"No one does! Wing it!"
"I thought we were getting cue cards." He muttered. He walked out on stage and pretended to sweep the floor for ten minutes straight while random audience members started giggling, some drooling.
"Vile…insect? What's my line again?" Trelawney asked from offstage.
"Can't the stars tell you? Vile worm." McGonagall answered sternly.
"That's it! Vile worm! Clean harder!" Trelawney and McGonagall came out in Spiker and Sponge garb. "Cut the grass with this here shoe! You'll be dead by January, the rhino will come and kill you, I read it in the leaves, the tea leaves Po-"
"That grow on the yard…near the peach tree." McGonagall interrupted. "That hasn't blossomed in…er…quite some time."
"I predict that sometime soon something will happen!" Trelawney called. "Something terrible that none of you will forget until the day you die." She went into a sort of trance. McGonagall snapped near her ears. "Vile worm!"
"Right. Here's supper, we're going to relax now." McGonagall threw an empty bag of potato chips at James and the two exited stage right.
Some music started up. James looked at the audience, panicked. "My name is James…that's what sock-Mum called me! My name is James…so it's always been. Sometimes you forget, and call me Jeremy…but there's something or other…very far away from here. Very far away."
The music tinkled a bit and he thought it was an instrumental break, but Jezzebel motioned from offstage that he was supposed to be singing. "James! James! James! How are ya? Isn't it a lovely day…James! James! James! We're so glad you came here where we are…from so very, very, very far…" He paused. Jezzebel threw a script at his head.
"My name is James. James. James." The lights dimmed and the curtain closed "Oh bollocks!", then opened again. "Good night spider!" Then they shut again.
A minute later the curtain opened and a shrunken Lily was onstage crawling around with McGonagall and Trelawney trying to kill her with a shoe. She screamed in terror, until James picked her up and ran offstage. Then McGonagall and Trelawney realized they were the ones who were supposed to have exited and ran off, and James ran back on.
"Here…spider…go free. Run wild and free! Wish I could…I guess. Run to New York. Yup yup."
"And what's stopping you?" Lorn asked, appearing out of nowhere behind James.
"Oooo…." Went the audience. James and Lorn regarded them in a confused matter.
"Don't be frightened James, I mean you no harm."
"Well you know my name! …How?" James stuttered. Lorn rolled his eyes.
"I know more than just your name. What would you say if I were to tell you that the answer to all your troubles is right here, inside this little bag?"
Pause. Lorn elbowed James. "Hey, that's…mine, right?"
"Of course it is, of course it is. Go on James, have a look." James stood perfectly still and blinked at Lorn. "Have a look."
"Oh! Right!" James peered into the little bag of glowing green things. "Ew."
"There's more magic in those things than in all the rest of the world put together." James again stood still and waited for Lorn to continue, so he mouthed James' line.
"…umm, what are those?" James repeated warily.
"Crocodile tongues. 1000 long slimy crocodile tongues. Boiled in the skull of a dead witch (Gasp!) for twenty days and twenty nights then add the fingers of a young monkey, the gizzard of a pig, the beak of a parrot and 3 spoonfuls of sugar, stew for a week then let the moon (blink, and his eye changed into a full moon. The audience gasped, then giggled) do the rest. (Blink, changed back) Have them, and marvellous things will happen. Things even you never dreamt of." Another long pause.
"Oh, like what?" James asked.
"Well like you'll never be miserable again. And you are miserable, aren't you James? You want them?"
"Yes." Lorn whispered.
"Yes!" James shouted. Lorn slapped his hand to his forehead, then continued through gritted teeth.
"You weren't meant to be you know. And that place you dreamt of, it's not as far away as you think."
Lorn motioned to a wall. James stared at him stupidly, then Lorn shoved him in front of the wall where he saw a picture of New York.
"New York?"
"And it'll be that much closer, once you take the first step." At this point, Lorn had given up on James knowing his lines, so he was manipulating James' mind to make him say the right thing.
"How? This doesn't make any sense." Puppet James said. Lorn had magically appeared on the other side of the wall.
"Not up here it doesn't. (Point to forehead) The answers are in here. (Touches finger to James' heart area) And the magic is in here. (Now Lorn is on James' side of the wall) So James what'll it be?" James reached out for the bag of tongues. "Now listen to me James. Don't let them get away because if they do they'll work their magic on whoever or whatever they meet first. Understand? (James nodded) Good." And then Lorn disappeared with smoke and wind and the such.
And James blinked stupidly because he was coming out of a trance.
"Did you kill that spider yet?!" McGonagall snapped, coming in from offstage.
"Not yet Minerva." Dumbledore hissed.
"What?" James asked. Then Lorn telekinetically shoved him and he dropped the bag. All the green things jumped offstage. James stood there, until Lorn used some more mind powers and made him crawl around on all fours. It looked rather awkward at first, as Lorn had little experience in manipulation of other humans, but then he had some fun making James slap himself.
"Right. Vile worm, done killing that spider?" McGonagall asked.
"Uh…yeah. It's pretty dead. You should see it, all squished like that." James stuttered.
"Let's beat him now." Trelawney said. "I predicted it so this morning."
"It is the morning you imbecile." McGongall snapped. "Oh look, a peach."
"That was my line." Trelawney whined.
"Shut up you stupid-"
"Professor!" James shouted. "I mean, auntie. You shouldn't call auntie Sponge what you're thinking of calling her. Want me to get that peach?"
"Sure." McGonagall said.
"Wait, it's growing." Trelawney said. "Um, it's growing. Now! Start growing peach!"
"Inflate the balloon!" Jezzebel whispered.
"It's not a balloon anymore." A Hufflepuff called.
"Right. Inflate the peach suit!" She hissed.
And then Peter was lowered onstage by a pulley in a deflated peach suit. It started blowing up, and his little arms started flailing. He was squeaking something about not being able to breathe, so they deflated it a little until he gave them the thumbs up.
"It…er…smells good." Trelawney said, moving forward.
"No Sponge, don't eat it. It smells like money." McGonagall snapped.