The curtains closed roughly, and opened a few minutes later. A large fake peach had been dragged onstage.
Loud thuds and lots of offstage shouting and feet scrambling ensued, and then about twenty minutes later a stage full of extra piled out to pay to see the peach.
"Can we touch it?" Natasha asked.
"Sure!" Trelawney said.
"She'll be wanting to, er…feel it? No, taste it next! No admission…cheeky ideas." McGonagall said.
Natasha was pulled offstage by a cane.
The curtains closed. "Hey! I was sposed to talk! Did I put on this priest suit for nothing?"
"Shut up Lucius! You have plenty of lines later!"
"Yeah when my arms are duct taped you fat cow!"
"Ten points from Slytherin you little sh-"
"McGonagall!"
The curtains opened. The peach was still there, but the kitchen scene was set up around it. Trelawney was leaning on the peach eating her supper, McGonagall sitting at the table staring at the peach.
"Hey aunties…I'm all spiffed up and hungry." James said.
"That's nice." Trelawney said.
McGonagall stared at the prop money on the table. "Clean…garbage." She threw a barrel and wooden pole with nail at him.
"Okay."
Curtains closed.
"FIRE!!!"
"Ooo…pretty."
"That's not your line!"
"The peach is on fire!!"
"Hose Peter down! He's flailing!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"
The sounds of a firehose came from offstage. The curtains flew out with the impact, and became quite soggy. Then a frazzled looking Hufflepuff came onstage and gave the thumbs up. Curtains opened. The singed peach was onstage and James (now covered with ashes) was picking up trash.
"Ooo…a green thing." James said. He looked at the floor. "Green thing…green thing…dammit Jezzebel!"
"Sorry!" A green gummy worm was thrown onstage. It was attached to a thread, so Jezzebel started pulling on it and James ran after the gummy worm. She threw it at the peach and he tore off a chunk. "Do I have to eat this?"
"Yes!"
"It's been genetically altered by Hagrid, I don't wanna!" James argued. Lorn snapped his fingers and a penguin honked. James hurriedly gobbled down the peach.
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" James ran offstage and threw up. "Oh look…a green thing."
"Jeremy, you can't throw that up yet! Eat it again!" Jezzebel ordered.
"No!"
Penguin honk.
"Mmm…partially digested gummy worm."
A tunnel appeared in the stage peach. James crawled up the tunnel and the curtain closed.
"INTERMISSION!!" Jezzebel shouted.
*******POST INTERMISSION*******
OR ACT III
The curtain opened upon the pit room. James stood there awkwardly with a full sized, but many legged Lily, an arm duct-taped Lucius, Snape with multiple arms, Natasha with a glowing ass, Narcissa round and red and Sirius with a hundred booties.
"Hey…bugs. You ate the green things, right?" James asked.
"Yup. I'm the spider from your room." Lily said. She looked like she was still in shock from the shrinking episode.
"Okay." James turned to Lucius. "Shouldn't you be on the ground, you're a worm."
"Shut up Po-" Sirius kicked his ass and he fell forward. "I can't get up! I can't get up!" Snape leaned forward to help him up, but Lucius refused. "Don't touch me you hygiene impaired freak!"
"Fine! Stay on the ground you rich bastard…worm."
"Say, is this peach headed anywhere?" Natasha asked.
"Er…New York?" James answered.
"Cool." Sirius said. "I…like New York. There's a song here, isn't there?"
"Yup." James answered.
They waited for the back round music.
"That's the life for me!" Sirius yelled.
"Yup." James repeated.
Then the music filed in. A vamp started, as no one was singing, but all looking around nervously. "Who starts?" Natasha asked.
"Sirius, you do!" Lily hissed.
"Bright lights big city that's where we gotta go!
Where the music's loud and the bugs are so pretty, I'd like ta get my arms around a hundred or so. I'd hug 'em squeeze 'em hold 'em tight. Sleep all day dance all night. I want the bright lights big city that's the life for me yeah. That's the life for-" Sirius cut himself off and waited. Another vamp started, and he elbowed Lily.
"Oops! You little maggot have you never seen the moon gliding across the western sky. A dead oak tree by the water side. Putrid vapours rising." Lily motioned with her arms and twirled a little (there was no official choreography).
Narcissa caught her cue perfectly and sent an arrogant smile Lily's way. "That sounds lovely dear, I'm sure we all agree but I prefer the sunshine. A little park right in the centre of the town, flowers everywhere, children all around me. I'd love it. Landing on a baby's cheek so warm. Wonderful. Wonderful. That's the life for me. That's the life for me. That's the life, that's the life for me." Then she elbowed Snape, who was looking dismally at a wall.
"Elegant conversation." He said lamely.
"Bright lights big city!" Sirius contrasted enthusiastically.
"An elevated point of view."
"That's where I'd go!"
"Intellectual stimulation."
"Yeah, maybe for you."
"And someone you…I'm not singing it."
They all continued into the refrain. "It would be wonderful, wonderful…That's the life for me."
"You call that a life." Lucius said with little to no feeling.
"That's the life for me."
"It's no pile of dirt."
"That's the life, that's the life, That's the life for -" They all stopped. The music stopped. Spiker and Sponge did not enter. They waited, with frozen spirit fingers.
"My arm's getting sore!" Sirius whined in a stage whisper, fixed smile.
"At least you can feel yours!" Lucius snapped, not hiding his discomfort from the audience at all.
"Jeremy, I mean James! Where did that little…brat go!" McGonagall yelled from offstage.
"He's in the peach dear." Trelawney offered helpfully. McGonagall whacked her. "I mean, the rhino will get you! And your giant bug friends! Ow! McGonagall, why do you keep whacking me?"
"Idiot."
"Hey! That's insulting."
Loud thuds and lots of offstage shouting and feet scrambling ensued, and then about twenty minutes later a stage full of extra piled out to pay to see the peach.
"Can we touch it?" Natasha asked.
"Sure!" Trelawney said.
"She'll be wanting to, er…feel it? No, taste it next! No admission…cheeky ideas." McGonagall said.
Natasha was pulled offstage by a cane.
The curtains closed. "Hey! I was sposed to talk! Did I put on this priest suit for nothing?"
"Shut up Lucius! You have plenty of lines later!"
"Yeah when my arms are duct taped you fat cow!"
"Ten points from Slytherin you little sh-"
"McGonagall!"
The curtains opened. The peach was still there, but the kitchen scene was set up around it. Trelawney was leaning on the peach eating her supper, McGonagall sitting at the table staring at the peach.
"Hey aunties…I'm all spiffed up and hungry." James said.
"That's nice." Trelawney said.
McGonagall stared at the prop money on the table. "Clean…garbage." She threw a barrel and wooden pole with nail at him.
"Okay."
Curtains closed.
"FIRE!!!"
"Ooo…pretty."
"That's not your line!"
"The peach is on fire!!"
"Hose Peter down! He's flailing!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"
The sounds of a firehose came from offstage. The curtains flew out with the impact, and became quite soggy. Then a frazzled looking Hufflepuff came onstage and gave the thumbs up. Curtains opened. The singed peach was onstage and James (now covered with ashes) was picking up trash.
"Ooo…a green thing." James said. He looked at the floor. "Green thing…green thing…dammit Jezzebel!"
"Sorry!" A green gummy worm was thrown onstage. It was attached to a thread, so Jezzebel started pulling on it and James ran after the gummy worm. She threw it at the peach and he tore off a chunk. "Do I have to eat this?"
"Yes!"
"It's been genetically altered by Hagrid, I don't wanna!" James argued. Lorn snapped his fingers and a penguin honked. James hurriedly gobbled down the peach.
"I think I'm gonna be sick!" James ran offstage and threw up. "Oh look…a green thing."
"Jeremy, you can't throw that up yet! Eat it again!" Jezzebel ordered.
"No!"
Penguin honk.
"Mmm…partially digested gummy worm."
A tunnel appeared in the stage peach. James crawled up the tunnel and the curtain closed.
"INTERMISSION!!" Jezzebel shouted.
*******POST INTERMISSION*******
OR ACT III
The curtain opened upon the pit room. James stood there awkwardly with a full sized, but many legged Lily, an arm duct-taped Lucius, Snape with multiple arms, Natasha with a glowing ass, Narcissa round and red and Sirius with a hundred booties.
"Hey…bugs. You ate the green things, right?" James asked.
"Yup. I'm the spider from your room." Lily said. She looked like she was still in shock from the shrinking episode.
"Okay." James turned to Lucius. "Shouldn't you be on the ground, you're a worm."
"Shut up Po-" Sirius kicked his ass and he fell forward. "I can't get up! I can't get up!" Snape leaned forward to help him up, but Lucius refused. "Don't touch me you hygiene impaired freak!"
"Fine! Stay on the ground you rich bastard…worm."
"Say, is this peach headed anywhere?" Natasha asked.
"Er…New York?" James answered.
"Cool." Sirius said. "I…like New York. There's a song here, isn't there?"
"Yup." James answered.
They waited for the back round music.
"That's the life for me!" Sirius yelled.
"Yup." James repeated.
Then the music filed in. A vamp started, as no one was singing, but all looking around nervously. "Who starts?" Natasha asked.
"Sirius, you do!" Lily hissed.
"Bright lights big city that's where we gotta go!
Where the music's loud and the bugs are so pretty, I'd like ta get my arms around a hundred or so. I'd hug 'em squeeze 'em hold 'em tight. Sleep all day dance all night. I want the bright lights big city that's the life for me yeah. That's the life for-" Sirius cut himself off and waited. Another vamp started, and he elbowed Lily.
"Oops! You little maggot have you never seen the moon gliding across the western sky. A dead oak tree by the water side. Putrid vapours rising." Lily motioned with her arms and twirled a little (there was no official choreography).
Narcissa caught her cue perfectly and sent an arrogant smile Lily's way. "That sounds lovely dear, I'm sure we all agree but I prefer the sunshine. A little park right in the centre of the town, flowers everywhere, children all around me. I'd love it. Landing on a baby's cheek so warm. Wonderful. Wonderful. That's the life for me. That's the life for me. That's the life, that's the life for me." Then she elbowed Snape, who was looking dismally at a wall.
"Elegant conversation." He said lamely.
"Bright lights big city!" Sirius contrasted enthusiastically.
"An elevated point of view."
"That's where I'd go!"
"Intellectual stimulation."
"Yeah, maybe for you."
"And someone you…I'm not singing it."
They all continued into the refrain. "It would be wonderful, wonderful…That's the life for me."
"You call that a life." Lucius said with little to no feeling.
"That's the life for me."
"It's no pile of dirt."
"That's the life, that's the life, That's the life for -" They all stopped. The music stopped. Spiker and Sponge did not enter. They waited, with frozen spirit fingers.
"My arm's getting sore!" Sirius whined in a stage whisper, fixed smile.
"At least you can feel yours!" Lucius snapped, not hiding his discomfort from the audience at all.
"Jeremy, I mean James! Where did that little…brat go!" McGonagall yelled from offstage.
"He's in the peach dear." Trelawney offered helpfully. McGonagall whacked her. "I mean, the rhino will get you! And your giant bug friends! Ow! McGonagall, why do you keep whacking me?"
"Idiot."
"Hey! That's insulting."