"Uh, close the curtain!" Jezzebel shouted. The curtains roughly closed and some scrambling was heard offstage.
When the curtains opened, Peter was onstage in the peach suit hanging from a prop tree with his arms sticking out. Sirius was behind the back curtain, with a puppet of himself on a popsicle stick.
"Nibble, nibble, nibble." He said. There was a pause. "Kee...crack!" Sirius waited. "That means move Pete." Sirius whispered.
"I don't wanna roll around onstage!" Peter shrieked in a terrified sort of manner.
"You're ruining my vision!" Jezzebel shrieked from offstage.
"What vision? The whole audience is stoned!" Narcissa snapped.
"Wasn't she the costume designer?" A Hufflepuff asked.
"Come on Peter, my arm's getting sore!" Sirius hissed. Peter shook his head, so Sirius ever so stealthily kicked him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" ..."AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Peter was rolling around on the stage. Jezzebel used Wingardium Leviosa to put a doll farm house onstage, and the fence wrapped around Peter. Then he went off a carefully placed ramp and landed in a kiddie pool.
"SPA-LASH!!!" Sirius yelled, throwing a glass of water in the air. Then he made some gargling sounds. The audience started giggling and drooling.
Peter gave the thumbs up and they dragged him offstage. The curtain came down and opened up again with the bugs and James hanging out on top of the peach.
"Now are we going to New York?" Natasha asked.
"I guess." James answered. "Is there another song yet?"
"Nope...oh wait, reprise." Sirius answered. "That's the life for me! C'mon, sing it Sevvy!"
"Eat shit and die Black!"
"That's the life for me!" Sirius sang, swinging Severus into the pit.
Lily and Natasha started dancing in a ring around the rose manner around Narcissa, who scowled at them in a very un-ladybug like manner.
Sirius, Lily and Natasha did spirit fingers and the music ended. "Okay. Now we need to figure out how to get this thing to New York." Lily decided.
"Cruise control isn't good enough for you?" Sirius asked.
"No it's not good enough for- AAAAAAAAhhhh!! What is that?!" Lily shrieked. What sounded like a posessed lawnmower revved up from offstage.
"Big...gnashing...teeth." Lucius supplied lamely. Then he kicked Snape.
"Ow. Wanker."
"Smelly."
"That hurts."
The bugs all waited patiently for the shark to show up. But instead they heard shrieks of pain and what sounded like bones crunching. "WE LOST CONTROL OF THE SHARK!!! IT JUST GOT TWO HUFFLEPUFFS!!!"
Sirius started ticking them off on his finger. "How many've we got left?"
Jezzebel walked onstage. "We're going to have some...audience participation. Who wants to be the shark? Bruce Bogtrotter, okay. We don't have a shark costume so you can wear this bunny suit. Everyone just imagine."
A few minutes later Bruce Bogtrotter came out wearing a pink bunny suit. "It's a viscious bunny!" Natasha said.
"We're pretending he's a shark Tash." Lily hissed. "Ah! Oh, what are we to do?! It will get the peach!"
Everyone looked expectantly at James. "Don't you have an idea?" Sirius prompted.
"I'm stumped." James answered.
"Dude, you're supposed to suggest we fly out." Sirius hissed.
"Dude? Really getting into this American thing, aren't you?" James asked.
"Oh sod-AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!" Sirius screamed in pain.
"GASP!!" The audience yelled, then giggled. Meanwhile, Sirius and James were rolling around onstage beating the shit out of each other and Lily was trying to pry them apart.
Jezzebel flailed her arms around offstage, hissing angrily at James and Sirius. "You're messing up your lines! James likes the centipede!"
"Right, so James said we should fly out!" Lily yelled, gripping James by the hair while Natasha restrained Sirius.
"And how do you propose we do that?" Snape asked.
"Seagulls!" James exclaimed. "Or penguins, wizarding penguins...covered in flour with string dangling from their legs and being tied to...Jezzebel no!" James shrieked as Jezzebel tied the strings to Lenny Martin, one of the Hufflepuff stage crew members, to lead them onto the stage.
The Wizarding penguins honked menacingly, then soared higher above the stage. Lenny screamed in fright as he was yanked towards the bloodthirsty birds.
(As authors, we feel it necessary to mention that we harmed crate-fulls of penguins in order to create this scene. We also feel it necessary, to keep this ficcie PG as opposed to NC-17, we are going to skip over the penguins killing the Hufflepuff scene. Mind you, it is there, so if you would like to fill in sound effects, please do so now.)
…
…
…
(Thank you)
"Oh my god, they killed Lenny!" Natasha shouted (we couldn't help ourselves, ed.).
"Gruesomely." Lily noted.
Professors McGonagall and Trelawney zapped the penguins with stun charms and tied them to the peach, while Jezzebel mopped up backstage.
"We're still going?!" James shrieked. The audience, unable to see the carnage, looked on in confusion as the frightened children trembled and gaped at the psychotic penguins flapping above them.
The audience cheered. "They're such good actors." Frank Longbottom (under the influence of a muffin) whispered to a fellow second year, who was glaring at the penguins.
"Alright." Jezzebel said to the audience. "The peach is now flying away from the penguins-bunny…the shark. And commodore centipede is navigating."
"That's you." James whispered to Sirius.
"Really? What kind of idiots would trust me to navigate?" He asked.
"Us, apparently." Snape said dryly.
Jezzebel had disappeared backstage, and was once again calling cues to the actors. "You're lost now and it's Sirius' fault. Severus, get mad at him!"
"Well this should be easy." Snape muttered.
Sirius looked at the confused audience. "Oh no. I got us lost."
"Shiver." Jezzebel ordered.
"Why?" Natasha asked.
"It's cold! You're too far north…or south." Jezzebel answered.
The kids just sort of stood there, looking confused, so Jezzebel blasted them with a fire hose and then chilled the water with a freezing spell.
"OW!! AAAAHHH!!!" They all screamed as they were pushed against the wall by the force of the fire hose, and then frozen in place.
"J-j-j-j-j-j-j-ezzeb-b-bel, w-we c-c-c-c-an't m-m-ove." James managed to get out, his teeth were chattering. A huge wall of ice had covered the stage, and all of the cast were stuck in it. Sirius' head was below the level of the ice and his face was turning blue. He was exhaling very rapidly, trying to melt a hole in the ice with which to breathe through.
"Sowwy. But you're supposed to be cold!" Jezzebel wailed, trying to start a controlled fire. She was a lot better at freezing things than warming them up.
"You're k-k-killing S-s-sirius!" James shouted in panic.
"N-n-n-n-no l-l-l-loss there." Snape said, his head just barely above the ice.
"I w-w-w-would so s-s-s-strangle you r-right n-n-n-n-ow if I c-c-c-c-could m-m-m-m-ove!" James threatened.
The curtains closed. "Technical difficulties, we'll be back on in a minute folks." Bruce Bogtrotter said, still wearing the bunny suit.
The adults scrambled around unfreezing the students. Madam Pomfrey, while screeching angrily at Jezzebel, administered a pepper-up potion to the now passed out Sirius. He woke up with steam shooting from his ears and cried out in shock and fright.
"Ah! I want this play to be over, it hurts!" Sirius wailed.
"The show must go on!" Dumbledore said cheerily.
"Yup, get back out there, we're over halfway done." Jezzebel said, equally cheerful.
The frightened, damp and cold first years, with their battered costumes, appearing more like survivors of some odd battle than a theatre company stared at the two with wide frightened eyes before they were once again pushed onstage.
When the curtains opened, Peter was onstage in the peach suit hanging from a prop tree with his arms sticking out. Sirius was behind the back curtain, with a puppet of himself on a popsicle stick.
"Nibble, nibble, nibble." He said. There was a pause. "Kee...crack!" Sirius waited. "That means move Pete." Sirius whispered.
"I don't wanna roll around onstage!" Peter shrieked in a terrified sort of manner.
"You're ruining my vision!" Jezzebel shrieked from offstage.
"What vision? The whole audience is stoned!" Narcissa snapped.
"Wasn't she the costume designer?" A Hufflepuff asked.
"Come on Peter, my arm's getting sore!" Sirius hissed. Peter shook his head, so Sirius ever so stealthily kicked him.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" ..."AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Peter was rolling around on the stage. Jezzebel used Wingardium Leviosa to put a doll farm house onstage, and the fence wrapped around Peter. Then he went off a carefully placed ramp and landed in a kiddie pool.
"SPA-LASH!!!" Sirius yelled, throwing a glass of water in the air. Then he made some gargling sounds. The audience started giggling and drooling.
Peter gave the thumbs up and they dragged him offstage. The curtain came down and opened up again with the bugs and James hanging out on top of the peach.
"Now are we going to New York?" Natasha asked.
"I guess." James answered. "Is there another song yet?"
"Nope...oh wait, reprise." Sirius answered. "That's the life for me! C'mon, sing it Sevvy!"
"Eat shit and die Black!"
"That's the life for me!" Sirius sang, swinging Severus into the pit.
Lily and Natasha started dancing in a ring around the rose manner around Narcissa, who scowled at them in a very un-ladybug like manner.
Sirius, Lily and Natasha did spirit fingers and the music ended. "Okay. Now we need to figure out how to get this thing to New York." Lily decided.
"Cruise control isn't good enough for you?" Sirius asked.
"No it's not good enough for- AAAAAAAAhhhh!! What is that?!" Lily shrieked. What sounded like a posessed lawnmower revved up from offstage.
"Big...gnashing...teeth." Lucius supplied lamely. Then he kicked Snape.
"Ow. Wanker."
"Smelly."
"That hurts."
The bugs all waited patiently for the shark to show up. But instead they heard shrieks of pain and what sounded like bones crunching. "WE LOST CONTROL OF THE SHARK!!! IT JUST GOT TWO HUFFLEPUFFS!!!"
Sirius started ticking them off on his finger. "How many've we got left?"
Jezzebel walked onstage. "We're going to have some...audience participation. Who wants to be the shark? Bruce Bogtrotter, okay. We don't have a shark costume so you can wear this bunny suit. Everyone just imagine."
A few minutes later Bruce Bogtrotter came out wearing a pink bunny suit. "It's a viscious bunny!" Natasha said.
"We're pretending he's a shark Tash." Lily hissed. "Ah! Oh, what are we to do?! It will get the peach!"
Everyone looked expectantly at James. "Don't you have an idea?" Sirius prompted.
"I'm stumped." James answered.
"Dude, you're supposed to suggest we fly out." Sirius hissed.
"Dude? Really getting into this American thing, aren't you?" James asked.
"Oh sod-AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!" Sirius screamed in pain.
"GASP!!" The audience yelled, then giggled. Meanwhile, Sirius and James were rolling around onstage beating the shit out of each other and Lily was trying to pry them apart.
Jezzebel flailed her arms around offstage, hissing angrily at James and Sirius. "You're messing up your lines! James likes the centipede!"
"Right, so James said we should fly out!" Lily yelled, gripping James by the hair while Natasha restrained Sirius.
"And how do you propose we do that?" Snape asked.
"Seagulls!" James exclaimed. "Or penguins, wizarding penguins...covered in flour with string dangling from their legs and being tied to...Jezzebel no!" James shrieked as Jezzebel tied the strings to Lenny Martin, one of the Hufflepuff stage crew members, to lead them onto the stage.
The Wizarding penguins honked menacingly, then soared higher above the stage. Lenny screamed in fright as he was yanked towards the bloodthirsty birds.
(As authors, we feel it necessary to mention that we harmed crate-fulls of penguins in order to create this scene. We also feel it necessary, to keep this ficcie PG as opposed to NC-17, we are going to skip over the penguins killing the Hufflepuff scene. Mind you, it is there, so if you would like to fill in sound effects, please do so now.)
…
…
…
(Thank you)
"Oh my god, they killed Lenny!" Natasha shouted (we couldn't help ourselves, ed.).
"Gruesomely." Lily noted.
Professors McGonagall and Trelawney zapped the penguins with stun charms and tied them to the peach, while Jezzebel mopped up backstage.
"We're still going?!" James shrieked. The audience, unable to see the carnage, looked on in confusion as the frightened children trembled and gaped at the psychotic penguins flapping above them.
The audience cheered. "They're such good actors." Frank Longbottom (under the influence of a muffin) whispered to a fellow second year, who was glaring at the penguins.
"Alright." Jezzebel said to the audience. "The peach is now flying away from the penguins-bunny…the shark. And commodore centipede is navigating."
"That's you." James whispered to Sirius.
"Really? What kind of idiots would trust me to navigate?" He asked.
"Us, apparently." Snape said dryly.
Jezzebel had disappeared backstage, and was once again calling cues to the actors. "You're lost now and it's Sirius' fault. Severus, get mad at him!"
"Well this should be easy." Snape muttered.
Sirius looked at the confused audience. "Oh no. I got us lost."
"Shiver." Jezzebel ordered.
"Why?" Natasha asked.
"It's cold! You're too far north…or south." Jezzebel answered.
The kids just sort of stood there, looking confused, so Jezzebel blasted them with a fire hose and then chilled the water with a freezing spell.
"OW!! AAAAHHH!!!" They all screamed as they were pushed against the wall by the force of the fire hose, and then frozen in place.
"J-j-j-j-j-j-j-ezzeb-b-bel, w-we c-c-c-c-an't m-m-ove." James managed to get out, his teeth were chattering. A huge wall of ice had covered the stage, and all of the cast were stuck in it. Sirius' head was below the level of the ice and his face was turning blue. He was exhaling very rapidly, trying to melt a hole in the ice with which to breathe through.
"Sowwy. But you're supposed to be cold!" Jezzebel wailed, trying to start a controlled fire. She was a lot better at freezing things than warming them up.
"You're k-k-killing S-s-sirius!" James shouted in panic.
"N-n-n-n-no l-l-l-loss there." Snape said, his head just barely above the ice.
"I w-w-w-would so s-s-s-strangle you r-right n-n-n-n-ow if I c-c-c-c-could m-m-m-m-ove!" James threatened.
The curtains closed. "Technical difficulties, we'll be back on in a minute folks." Bruce Bogtrotter said, still wearing the bunny suit.
The adults scrambled around unfreezing the students. Madam Pomfrey, while screeching angrily at Jezzebel, administered a pepper-up potion to the now passed out Sirius. He woke up with steam shooting from his ears and cried out in shock and fright.
"Ah! I want this play to be over, it hurts!" Sirius wailed.
"The show must go on!" Dumbledore said cheerily.
"Yup, get back out there, we're over halfway done." Jezzebel said, equally cheerful.
The frightened, damp and cold first years, with their battered costumes, appearing more like survivors of some odd battle than a theatre company stared at the two with wide frightened eyes before they were once again pushed onstage.