Chapter 4 - Midnight Revelations
The next week passed relatively quickly for both of them. Now that he was back with Miguel, it seemed inexplicably easier for Tulio to come up with plans. Miguel, for his part, was never far behind, always finding a way to pull them out of the trouble they got themselves into. For a while it was just like old times.
After the third successful con of the week, the two men were feeling understandably elated. They rented a hotel room for the night to celebrate, as they had when they first returned from El Dorado. After seeing that Altivo was safely put up in the stables, they spent the evening in the common room, boasting about nothing in particular. Eventually their boasting got them into an arm-wrestling match (which they lost) and from there it led directly to a fight. When they finally crept upstairs to their room, the entire common room was involved in a noisy violent brawl. No one noticed the absence of the two who had started it.
They reached the room still laughing at their escapade, and Tulio opened the door for Miguel, gesturing theatrically. "After you, Good Sir," he intoned.
"Oh no, after you," Miguel said in his best mock-serious tone, also gesturing.
"Oh, I insist," Tulio countered.
"No no no no no, *I* insist," Miguel replied.
They both grinned.
"Together?" Tulio asked.
"Together!" Miguel agreed. They linked arms and walked side-by-side through the open door.*
Upon entering, Miguel automatically took stock of the room. Window - second story, so maybe not a good idea to jump out of except as a last resort. Simple wooden floor, possibly with loose boards. Have to remember to check under them before we leave. Plain dresser, won't need it since we're only here one night. Bed...
The bed. Miguel froze. There was only one bed. Tulio obviously thought nothing of it. Miguel knew that he shouldn't either; after all, they had shared beds in the past. But this was... different. It was hard to explain why, but Miguel knew that he couldn't just brush it off and climb into bed next to Tulio. The dark-haired man obviously didn't even consider this a problem, as he was already changing for bed, leaving his long shirt on.
Miguel gulped. Looking around wildly, he noticed a chair by the door that he hadn't seen before. A small idea began to work itself into his head. If he could just find an excuse to stay up past the time that Tulio did, then he could sleep sitting in the chair or even on the floor. It might be uncomfortable, but he'd seen worse. Anything was better than knowing that Tulio was there, less that a foot away and yet untouchable.
Well, there was no help for it. Tulio was already sliding under the sheets. He blinked over at Miguel. "Hey, aren't you going to go to bed?"
"I-I will," Miguel stuttered. "I just... umm... I'm not tired at the moment. I think I'll stay up for a bit."
"Suit yourself," Tulio said amiably. "But it's not my fault if I sprawl out and take up too much room because I'm the only one in the bed."
Miguel nodded weakly, walking over to the dresser and snuffing the lamp that rested on its surface. As Tulio settled into bed, Miguel went to the door and sat in the chair.
It didn't take as long as he'd thought it would before Tulio's breath evened out and he started to snore lightly. Miguel picked up the chair and quietly brought it to the bedside.
Tulio hadn't been joking about sprawling out; he was pretty much spread-eagled on the bed, taking up more room than any one person had a right to, much like a cat.
Hesitantly, Miguel reached out and smoothed a lock of hair from Tulio's forehead. He froze as Tulio mumbled something in his sleep and turned over, his back now facing Miguel.
Miguel breathed a sigh of relief as the even breathing returned, minus the snoring this time. He withdrew his hand, clenching it into a fist in his lap.
"You know," he said quietly, unsure at first of whether he was talking to himself or the sleeping Tulio, "it's not working."
"I'm trying," he went on. "I really am. I told myself, when we found each other again, that I could forget about my love for you. I thought that I could do anything, as long as I still had my friendship with you. I thought the same thing when we escaped from El Dorado. It seems both times that I was just kidding myself.
"It's not easy though! Really. I mean, love isn't just something you can ignore. I wish it was. Things would be so much easier if I could just be your friend, your partner. Shouldn't that be enough? It should, shouldn't it. But it's not, not for me. I'm greedy. I want to be your lover, too. Sad, isn't it?" He let out a humorless chuckle. "I'm so pathetic. I said that I left for a reason, but I didn't know what it even was. I stayed because it seemed like a better idea, and yet it still hurts me. It's not as though I want to be in pain. If there were some way to make it all go away. ...I could commit suicide, but that would just make you depressed, and probably guilty. I don't want to give you that kind of guilt. I could disappear again, but I already know that that doesn't work. There's no solution, is there? I'm just doomed to be in pain for the rest of my life. It's your fault you know. But I don't blame you for it. You can't help being wonderful, and even if you could, I wouldn't want you to."
He heaved a deep sigh, shaking his head regretfully. "You really have no idea how perfect you really are, do you? How beautiful you are, how handsome. And then there's me. A stupid misfit whose only skill is Sheer Dumb Luck. There's no way that I could ever survive without you. I don't know why I thought I could. I'm a pitiful excuse for a human being. It's only because of you that I thought... well, I thought that maybe you saw something in me. Maybe if you thought that I was worthy of being your partner, then maybe I really was. But of course I was no match when someone like Chel came along. She was just like you. Beautiful, intelligent, clever. And she liked you. Maybe not loved you, but really liked you. And more than that, you were in love with her too. And if being your partner made me worthy, what did having your love mean for her? She was obviously a much better person than I, so why shouldn't you two be together? Why not be the perfect Wonder Couple. It would never work with me.
"I never had a chance to begin with. She's a woman, I'm a man. You don't like men, do you? Not that way. Chel has those curves that I'm sure you always admired so much. Not that there's anything wrong with a woman's curves. I like women too. They're just... not you. It wouldn't matter to me if you were a girl, it doesn't matter to me that you're not. It just matters that I have a chance to be near you. Even though I'll never really have a chance to love you."
Miguel fell silent. He realized that he did this far too often; midnight soliloquies just to release some of the tension in his heart. It was kind of pathetic, he knew, but the only way he could think of to get out some emotion before he went into meltdown. And it worked to some extent. He could put on a happy face every day and no one knew the difference. That was the point after all.
He stood up suddenly. Walking over to the dresser, he found an extra blanket in one of the drawers, and kidnapped the other pillow from the bed. Moving the chair, he decided on the floor and arranged a pallet for himself. He lay down and in moments he had drifted off.
In the bed, Tulio closed his eyes as a single tear managed to find its way down his cheek. It was quite a while before he managed to fall back to sleep.
* - Yes, it was a very wide door. ...Shut up.
Oh God, that was hideous. Take me back.
or
Oh God, that was hideous. Let me complain to the author.