TITLE: 3000 Dimensions And There's Still Nothing On (or, When First Evils Get Bored)
Part 2: The Puppet Master(bator)s
AUTHOR: nongenius
SUMMARY: The First Evil has nowhere to go but down after its coup with the Turok-Han really, as far as evil plans go. That doesn't mean it will stop trying. (Parody.)
RATED: R
SPOILERS: Through Showtime (Buffy Season 7) and Apocalypse Nowish (Angel Season 4)
FEEDBACK: Always welcome (nongenius@hotmail.com)
ARCHIVE: More than likely okay, but please ask first
DISCLAIMER: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, though I really wish I did. Unfortunately, for me, they all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.
NOTES: This is the second chapter of a round robin fic. I encourage you to read the whole thing. Love to hold_that_thought and little_bit for agreeing to do one last round robin parody. Extra special thanks and lots of love to hold_that_thought for prodding me into writing and for being my ever-faithful beta. And for continuing to find me funny.

The First Evil rubbed its hands together, laughing maniacally in the most cliché fashion possible. Because everyone knows that cliché's are evil by definition. Caught somewhere between its favorite evil personas, Walt Disney and Barney, it scared even the blind harbingers. Evil just oozed from every pore, filling the room with the pungent smell of sin. Or maybe that was just sweat. For someone incorporeal, the First Evil had horrible body odor.

"Muahaha! You know what I love about people? They're so easy to manipulate. Take this pesky Slayer and her friends. Always getting in the way of my seduction of Spi—" The First cleared its throat and coughed loudly. "Getting in the way of my seduction of the world to the side of evil. Yes, the side of evil. That's what I was trying to say."

The Harbingers said nothing. Tearing out their tongues was by far the best idea it'd ever had. Before, it had been, "Oh, the First Evil is such a wuss," or, "Geez, that's the worst idea in the history of ideas," or, "Give it up. Wearing the guise of Oprah is going to make you look fat no matter how much black you wear." No one likes cheeky minions.

"But even the Slayer won't be able to get out of this one. The promise of power is a, um, powerful thing. Damn it! Harbinger! Find me a thesaurus!"

"Hey! We're ho—" Buffy's grocery bags and her jaw hit the floor at the same time.

Xander was on the couch surrounded by all the potentials, who were cooing over him. On his left, Rona was actually fanning him with a palm leaf, while Amanda fed him grapes.

Author #1: Great touch with the grapes!
Author #2: Thanks! Now for the piece de resis.. de resist… the best part.

Buffy looked around her. "Did you hear something?"

Authors (together): NO!

Buffy shrugged. "Never mind." She turned her attention back to Xander, who was now getting a backrub from Kennedy. "Kennedy? Aren't you gay? And aren't most of these girls under 18?"

Author #2: Dude. She has a point.
Author #1: No way. They never said how old any of them are. Okay, so Amanda might be underage. Everyone else is legal. And besides, I can't help it if everyone wants the Xandman. He's obviously the most attractive person there and really should be Buffy's true love.
Author #2: The only people who really believe that are loser guys who can't get laid.
Author #1: Touché.

Buffy blinked. She could have sworn it was Amanda, not Vi, who had been feeding Xander grapes. She looked around. Amanda couldn't be found.

Kennedy smiled and snuggled against Xander. "Oh, who could possibly want a woman when they could have this hunk of man?"

Buffy suppressed a gag reflex.

Author #1: Hey!
Author #2: I didn't write that.

"There's plenty here to share, if you want in," Kennedy cooed.

"Oh no, I couldn't. I've only ever really loved one person. Angel was so strong and handsome and tall and smart. And his hair always looked so great. He had the best gel in the tri-county area." Buffy sighed dreamily. "How could I find any man attractive after having spent three years with the love of my life? He was the perfect man, the perfect specimen of being. I'm absolutely distraught without him! How could Spike's perfect abs compare to Angel's mounds of flab? How could I even think of being with someone who didn't give me neck cramps to remind me of our love"

Buffy burst into tears. "I don't understand what's wrong with me," she sobbed. "I'm saying all this crap about how Angel was the love of my life, when really all I feel for him now is disgust at the fire hazard that is his hair."

Author #2: Stop that! You love Angel! You love him with your everything! You always have and always will!
Author #1: Yeah. And the people who believe that are just losers who can't get over their first love. Usually because they can't find anyone else who's willing to date them.
Author #2: Shut up! She loves Angel! They're soul mates!
Author #1: Whatever you say, Dawson.

"What am I saying?" Buffy said with a shake of her head, wiping her tears away. "I love Angel. I love him with my everything. I always have and always will."

Buffy gathered her groceries and moved to the kitchen, singing Angel's praises the whole way.

"Would you please keep it down up here? A bloke can't get a single moment's peace in this bloody house," Spike yelled from the basement.

"Sorry, Spike," Molly called. "It's not our fault. Xander's just so damn sexy."

In a flash, Spike was in the living room ogling Xander's naked chest.

Author #1: Hey! What are you doing? This wasn't part of the plan.
Author #2: Come on, it'll be fun. You can't tell me you've never laid awake at night thinking about Spike gently caressing your cheek and then firmly pulling you to his taut, but amazingly lithe, body.
Author #1: You're scaring me, man.

Spike moved forward slowly, pushing Potentials to the side and licking his lips. He undressed Xander with his eyes, leering. "You have any vampire in you, Harris?"

Xander shook his head forcefully.

"Want some?" Spike asked grabbing Xander by the neck and leaning in for a ki…

Author #1: THAT'S ENOUGH! SCENE CHANGE!

Angel fell to the ground, his eyes glowing amber. Behind him, Acathla's mouth began to open in a swirling vortex. "Buffy," he croaked.

"Angel, the whole 'Look! I got my soul back' routine just isn't going to work. Vampires are vicious…evil…disgusting…wastes…of…space," she said, punctuating each word with a sharp stab of the sword. Then she plunged the sword into his chest and left him for dead.

Author #2: That's not how it happened! There was undying love proclaimed! It was heartbreakingly beautiful.
Author #1: You're still in that romance movie club, aren't you?
Author #2: Yeah, so? What does that have to do with anything?
Author #1: Does the word masculinity mean anything to you?
Author #2: Look who's talking, Mr. I Love Justin Timberlake.
Author #1: Hey! Justin is an artist. He can't help it if he's beautiful.

Buffy ran after Spike and Drusilla, catching them just before they drove off. She pulled out her stake and aimed it at Spike's chest, ready to end him for good. As the wood approached his heart, she stopped.

"What the hell is going on? This isn't how it happened. I can't kill Spike. How will he show me just how amazing five continuous hours of sex can be if I kill him?"

Author #2: Five hours? Is that even possible?
Author #1: I'm guessing you've got a record ten minutes?
Author #2: Three, but that's not the point.

"There's something really strange going on here," Buffy said to herself.

Author #1: No, this is just the way it should have happened. Because you love Xander and always have.
Author #2: Just can't give it up, can you?
Author #1: My turn, my rules.

"I know. This is the way it should have happened. I've been given a second chance to mend my errors. I never should have let myself fall off of the pedestal so far. I wasn't the hero I was supposed to be. Instead of following all of the rules and being the hero my friends expected me to be, I was enjoying myself and learning that I wasn't perfect and that other vampires are a lot better in bed than Angel. I'm going to fix this once and for all. Sorry Spike," she said as she staked him.

Authors (together): Score!

Buffy walked back to Angel's bleeding body, wiping the dust off her hands.

Author #2: Why's the body still there?
Author #1: It's hard to kick and gloat over if it's gone.

Xander ran in, rock in hand, ready to fight. "Buffy!" he yelled, running to her side.

"Xander! My prince!" Buffy ran to him and jumped into his arms. "You've saved me! My hero," Buffy cooed as she nuzzled his neck.

"Buffy, I'll always be here for you, you know that," Xander responded, kissing her lightly.

"How could I have ignored you for so long?" Buffy asked before pulling him down for a passionate kiss.

"I haven't a clue," Xander said with a smile. "What should we do with this?" He kicked Angel's limp body.

Author #2: You are just asking for a beat down.
Author #1: Calm down. It's not like it really happened. It's just a story.
Author #2: But that's my Buffy and my Angel you're messing with. You're destroying the sanctity of their love.
Author #1: You need to step away from the message boards, dude.

"Forget about it. Leave it to rot. I never want to see or hear about Angel again." Buffy spit on the body, and began making all the rude hand signs she could think of in Angel's general direction.

Author #2: That's it.
[Scuffling sounds]
Author #1: I'm not letting you have the keyboard!
[More scuffling and some screaming]
Author #2: Stop bleeding on my shoes. They're patent leather.

Suddenly Angel stood. He wasn't really dead, and the blood he'd spilled had been enough to close the portal. He still had his soul, of course, and he still loved Buffy with all his heart.

Buffy jumped down and looked at Xander in disgust. "How could I ever have thought you were the one I wanted when Angel is still on this earth?"

"Beats me," Angel said, as he pulled the sword out of his chest and used it to hack off Xander's head.

Buffy ran to Angel's outstretched arms.

"I love you, Angel," she said softly.

"I love you too, Buffy." The kissed, a soft, warm familiar kiss.

Author #2: Sigh. Now that's the way it's supposed to be.
Author #1: Yeah, when you're stuck in the past.
Author #2: It's better than being stuck in 'only in your dreams'.

"Did you hear that?" Buffy looked around. "I keep hearing these voices. I wonder if it's the First Evil messing with me." She stepped away from Angel, surveying the scene. Xander's head stared at her from the floor, lips smeared with her favorite Seashell lipstick, and she realized she was covered in vampire dust.

"Oh my god! I killed my love bunny Spike! And I macked on Xander!" Buffy screamed in revulsion.

Author #1: Hey! Isn't it enough that you killed Xander?
Author #2: I didn't write that. Face it. She's not attracted to Xander at all.
Author #1: She is, she just doesn't know it yet.
Author #2: Maybe she's waiting for hell to freeze over.

"We have to find Giles. Fast!" Buffy said as she ran towards the door.

Author #1: Change the scene! Change the scene!

The First Evil watched with a smile on its face. "Everything is going perfectly. Between the two boneheads, Buffy will soon forget all about Spike, leaving him vulnerable for…becoming evil again, yes, evil. And Buffy will be too distracted to notice the other, really, unmentionably evil plan that was just too evil to be detailed," it boasted to its minions.

One of the harbingers pulled out his flags and asked in semaphore if that meant the First didn't have a plan yet.

The First scowled. "Shut up! Do you know how hard it is to come up with evil plans? Have you tried it? Do you know how many times I've had to cry myself to sleep at night because I can't seem to come up with a great evil plan? I'm already the black sheep of the First Evil family. And now you've just tossed some salt into that wound! I hate you!"

The First stomped off, making a mental note to burn the flags. It needed new, less sassy minions. But first, an evil plan….

"Buffy, would you mind handing me that book?" Giles asked without taking his eyes away from his notepad.

Author #1: Way to go, bonehead.
Author #2: You said to change the scene.
Author #1: To keep Buffy from running to Giles.
Author #2: I thought you were just being petulant about Xander losing his head.
Author #1: Petulant? You have one of those Word of the Day Calendars, didn't you?
Author #2: Got one for Christmas. What's your point?

"What?" Buffy was confused. Where'd Angel go? And Xander? And she staked Spike, right? So why was he standing right in the corner teaching Dawn lighter tricks?

Author #2: It was all just a dream, Buffy.
Author #1: Or possibly a nightmare.

"Are you alright?" Giles asked.

"Huh?" Buffy shook her head, trying to clear her mind.

"You've just been standing there."

"Oh. Um, no I'm fine. I think."

Author #1: Sho' nuff. You damn fine.
Author #2: You did not just say that.

"Giles, you haven't noticed anything strange have you?"

"What? Is something going on? Perhaps you should ask Xander or Angel. They're both fine, upstanding young men. Intelligent, handsome, very clever, both of them. I'm positive they'll be able to help you." Giles said with a reassuring smile.

Buffy stared. Shocked. "You want me to go to Xander. Or Angel. Because they're upstanding young men?"

"Of course, I—dear lord. Did I just say that?"

"Something's going on."

Author #1: How come calling Xander and Angel upstanding young men is the clue in that something strange is going on? Is it so outlandish that Giles might actually think well of those two dashing guys?
Author #2: Hey man, everything he said about Angel was true. It was the Xander factor that screwed it up.
Author #1: Hey I—actually I can't think of anything to say to that.

"You heard those voices, right?" Buffy whispered to Giles.

"Yes, I believe I did. What is it?"

"Thank god. I thought I was going crazy. I think it might be the First messing with my mind. Where's Willow?" Buffy asked, looking around.

"Basement, training, I believe," Giles answered. "I'll, uh, look up some mind control spells, see if there's anything we can do to block it."

Buffy went down to the basement and found Willow alone. "I thought you were training."

"Oh, I was but the girls wanted a break. I think Kennedy took them for ice cream," Willow answered with a smile.

Author #1: We have to distract them. They're gonna figure it out.
Author #2: Got any ideas?
Author #1: Well, just one.

"You know, Willow. You look really nice today. Your hair," Buffy reached forward and ran her fingers through Willow's hair. "It's so soft and silky. And it smells so good."

"Thanks. You know, that shirt looks really good on you. It's kinda giving me a happy," Willow said with a smile.

"Is it hot in here? I'm feeling all hot and sweaty." Buffy ran her fingers down her neck stopping just above her perky breasts. "You know, Willow, I always thought you were attractive."

Willow stepped forward, pulling Buffy to her, drawing her into a long kiss. Her hands ran up and down Buffy's spine, pulling the blonde's shirt higher and higher.

Footsteps sounded on the stairs, but the girls didn't stop.

"Say, want any meat for that sandwich?" Xander asked, waggling his eyebrows.

Author #2: You are not allowed to write any more. Go sit in the corner.
Author #1: But—
Author #2: GO!
Author #1: I will not go! I was distracting them just like I planned.
Author #2: You were indulging your own tasteless fantasy.
Author #1: Nobody said I wasn't allowed to have a little fun.

Buffy and Willow jumped apart.

"Buffy! I didn't mean that, I mean I-I don't feel like, oh, not that you're not…uh, attractive it's just that you're not…not really my type," Willow blathered nervously.

"Will, I know. Something's been making me act strangely all day. I think it's the First Evil."

Author #2: Will you just let me have the keyboard?
Author #1: No! You already mucked it up by putting Buffy and Giles together. Now I'm trying to keep Willow from adding her big brain and figuring out what's going on!
Author #2: So what if they figure it out?
Author #1: After what we've made them say and do? They'd kill us.
Author #2: Point. But I can do this. Let me have the keyboard.
Author #1 No!

"You hear that bickering? Did the First get a partner?" Willow asked. "Or maybe that's just Andrew and Amanda arguing over one of those fan fiction things they're always working on."

"Fan fiction?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah. You know, where people take characters or even, sometimes, real people and write their own stories about them. You should see some of the things Andrew makes Han Solo do and say."

"Wait a minute! Xander and Angel! That's the key! I've been going back and forth between the two of them all day. And I keep having these hateful feelings towards Spike, which makes no sense at all because I love him. And Giles said some things about Xander and Angel earlier. They're part of this, I can feel it," Buffy said angrily.

Author #1: Ack! She's figuring it out!
Author #2: Scene change!
Author #1: I can't type unless you let me have the keyboard!
Author #2: You don't have to type, I'm going to type.
(scuffling sounds, followed by screaming)
Author #1: Stop hitting me!

"So then Janice was like 'I can't believe Arty is dating that twit' and I was like 'Arty's a twit. So what do you care?' and she was like…are you even listening to me?" Dawn stared at Buffy, arms crossed.

"Twits, yeah, sure." Buffy was trying to remember something. She couldn't quite grasp what. And for some reason all she could think of was Willow and sex and sex with Willow.

Author #1: That's what I'm talking about.
Author #2: I've got to admit, it is pretty hot.

Buffy turned up her head. Something clicked.

"Xander and Angel. And fan fiction. What was it? Think, Buffy, think!"

Dawn looked at her sister like she had five heads. "What are you talking about?"

"The First Evil! The First has somebody writing fan fiction about me! That's why these things keep changing and I keep doing strange things."

Authors (together): NO!
Author #1: You're wrong. You're just crazy!
Author #2: Yeah, crazy in love with Angel.
Author #1: That was really bad.

"No, I'm wrong. I'm just crazy. Crazy in love with Angel," Buffy sighed.

"Angel?" Dawn asked. "Angel. The same Angel that just last week was having a baby with some girl named Lorne and wanted to name his baby Destiny? Puffy, poofy, hair straight up Angel?"

"That's the one," Buffy answered in a dreamy kind of way.

"What about Spike?"

"Spike?"

"Spike. You know, the guy you were telling me was the one just five minutes ago?" Dawn shook her head. "Maybe you are crazy."

Buffy screamed in frustration. "It's the stupid First! Whatever it's up to, it's messing with my head. I keep hearing voices, and sometimes the voices make me say and do things."

Dawn nodded. "Crazy."

"It's not like that! Sometimes, though, when they fight, I get a moment of clarity. I just have to wait for another one of those and then I can use my selective super powers to get to them."

"Selective super powers?"

"Yeah. Like, you know how sometimes I can run fast enough to tail a car, but other times I can't even catch the garbage truck? Or when I can leap over a fence with no problems but I can't seem to jump an obstacle? Selective super powers," Buffy answered.

Author #1: Crap. Distract her somehow.
Author #2: Scene change?
Author #1: No. Let's kill Spike again.
Author #2: Because he's an unrepentant rapist who doesn't deserve Buffy's love, despite the fact that he got a soul to try and make things better and he obviously feels really bad about it and Buffy's forgiven him? And even though Angel's soul fixes everything, Spike's soul shouldn't because he's just not worthy of forgiveness? Because he's an evil, selfish little fiend, regardless of how much of himself he's given to Buffy and her friends?
Author #1: I just don't like him.
Author #2: Well that too.

"Slayer. Bit." Spike walked towards them with a smile on his face.

Buffy whipped around. She pushed him down and started punching him in the face. "You're evil! I hate you! Xander was right! Angel was right! You are just wrong in so many ways. You don't deserve to live!"

She pulled a stake out of nowhere and held it against Spike's heart. "Die, motherfucker."

She plunged the stake down, ignorant of Dawn's screams.

Author #1: Now I want a cigarette.
Author #2: Be my guest.
Author #1: Don't mind if I do.
Author #2: Is it getting hot in here?
Author #1: Your hair! It's on fire!
(screaming)

Buffy looked up, doing her best to use her selective super hearing to locate the source of the noise. Then using her selective super jumping, she jumped towards it….

And tumbled out of a computer screen.

"Xander," she said angrily.

"Hey man! We said no names! I'm just Author #1."

"I didn't—"

"Angel." Buffy stood with her arms crossed staring at the pair. They turned around, smoke tendrils rising from Angel's singed head.

"Uh, hi, Buffy," Xander said with a nervous smile.

"You? Are dead."

Xander and Angel ran out of the room with Buffy on their tails.

The First Evil screamed. "How is it that they always manage to foil my plans? If I can't even manage to get this one little thing to work, how can I get my super, unmentionably evil plan to work? That Slayer always ruins everything!"

The harbingers quickly built a fire and started fanning the flames with a blanket. Smoke signals: Do…you…even…have…an…evil….

The First doused the flames angrily. "I didn't steal your tongues so you could come up with clever new ways to mock me. I don't care what you say. Oprah can be skinny! She can!"

The First started pacing furiously. It was difficult because wearing Oprah meant going through weight fluctuations at a mad speed. It gained and lost weight with every step.

It would find a way to foil them! It would! But first, it had to find fashionable—yet evil—frames for his collection of naked Spike pictures.