Chapter Twenty - Letters of sorrow
Gan Ning sat on a bench near the library. He was due for one of his counselling sessions but he wasn't going to show up, just like last time. The last session hadn't been too successful when he'd stuck his middle finger up at the councillor and walked out. He just didn't need people to tell him what he was supposed to be feeling and he didn't want sympathy, but that's what he got.
He pulled his dark green jacket together as tight as it could go and looked around idly. He had now taken to wearing a protective armor which he wore over his jacket at all times. He couldn't explain it but being covered up helped him feel a little less vulnerable.
The looks he got were cutting through him, just like when people found out about him and Sun Ce before, but this time Sun Ce wasn't there for support. He knew the Wu forces was a close community but how did everyone know? It made him sick at himself and he had a constant feeling of nausea.
He sighed. He didn't have anything to do, just like yesterday and the day before. He'd left the infirmary two days ago when he first woke up and Sun Quan had given him a month off. He should have been out celebrating, what with it being the second day of summer. His birthday.
He'd received several birthday wishes and Xiao Qiao had bought him a pair of black fingerless gloves, which looked similar to the ones he used in battles, but he could wear them casually. He accepted them but he couldn't help but wonder if they were bought partly out of her feeling of guilt. Xiao Qiao hadn't done anything at all though as far as he was concerned, no matter what she thought.
He bought some wine and brought it to his room to drink. He knew he shouldn't drink but stress had eaten away at him and he needed something to keep him from going crazy.
'Does Sun Ce even know it's my birthday?'
He sighed. He wished Sun Ce were here. He wanted to see him so badly, but if he knew that if he saw him he'd feel...well, dirty. He didn't want Sun Ce to know what had happened but he couldn't lie to Sun Ce, never to Sun Ce.
"Gan Ning, you should not drink. It's bad for you at your current condition!"
Gan Ning turned to see Huang Gai waving his arms frantically at him from far and although Gan Ning couldn't see his face properly he was sure it was angry.
"Fine, fine!" Gan Ning said back, equally as angry, throwing the bottle of wine out of the window.
Huang Gai seemed satisfied and walked off.
"God damn it, Huang Gai can kiss my ass."
What was he saying? Since when did he have a grudge against Huang Gai who was concerned about him? He didn't need to answer that question.
"Gan Ning?"
Gan Ning felt a tap on his shoulder and found his bubbly friend standing next to him.
"Hey Xiao Qiao." He said wearily.
Usually this lack lustre behaviour would earn him a playful punch on the shoulder and a little pout but Xiao Qiao only smiled weakly and linked arms with him.
"I don't have a mission today so I thought I'd see you. How are you doing?"
Gan Ning sighed, "Okay I guess. Can we go outside?"
"Sure" Xiao Qiao said a little more happily.
Gan Ning had only come out of his room yesterday, let alone been outside in the fresh air. They strolled out to the fountain and sat on the edge. Gan Ning took his opportunity and took out a bottle of wine.
"Gan Ning...You shouldn't drink that."
"I need something to keep me sane. So far I've only got you and this." He said, gesturing from her to the bottle of wine.
Xiao Qiao looked a little happier at the thought of helping Gan Ning in one way or another.
"Still...Why don't we go training? Or go read up on stuff in the library? It'll keep you busy, and I know how you hate to wallow in your thoughts."
She knew him too well.
"Okay." he said as he stood up, stretching his legs, "But...is the library a non-drinking area?"
He got a light punch for that comment.
"Of course it's not." Xiao Qiao said sarcastically, rolling her eyes at him. "Throw it away."
He threw the bottle into the fountain.
"That's not what I meant...But never mind, let's go." Xiao Qiao said and they walked back inside.
*********************************************
Gan Ning wanted to enter his room as Xiao Qiao, Da Qiao and Lu Xun caught up with him. His birthday hadn't been too bad although he'd refused immediately to make a big thing about it. They'd bought a few bottles of wines and invited Zhou Tai, Sun Quan, Sun Shang Xiang and Taishi Ci, which suited Gan Ning just fine. Now, however, he was tired and wanted to continue blocking out reality for a while longer.
"So, you going to sleep?" Xiao Qiao asked between giggles. She'd drunk a lot and was prone to bursting into hysterics.
"Yeah" Gan Ning yawned, stretching his arms above his head before pushing the door open, "I'm gonna get some sleep."
He hugged the two sisters and wished them goodnight before getting wished a happy birthday by Lu Xun. The three started to walk off down the hall as he went inside but before he could close it Xiao Qiao had pushed it open.
"Gan Ning? If you need anything then look for me, 'kay?" she said, her tone of voice suddenly sober.
Gan Ning smiled, "Thanks Xiao, goodnight" he said before she nodded and ran off to join the others.
Gan Ning locked the door and he sat down on his chair. No sooner had he took off his jacket, there was a knock on the door.
Gan Ning opened the door. It wasn't that late but it was odd to have a messenger to give him a letter at this time of the night. He thanked the messenger and closed the door. He tore open the envelope and looked at the content.
Gan Ning recognised the familiar handwriting and it filled him with both joy and a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. He read the letter:
Dear Gan Ning,
How are you?
'I've never felt more sick at myself and I want to curl up and die...' Gan Ning thought to himself.
I wrote this to wish you Happy Birthday. I am so sorry I couldn't make it down there.
I was thinking that maybe I could go and see you at the end of summer.
I miss you very much. I will be there in the evening. What do you think?
Please reply me as soon as possible.
Love,
Sun Ce
Gan Ning smiled weakly despite himself. He wanted to see Sun Ce...but not yet, he couldn't. Not until he could come to terms with it all himself.
Gan Ning picked up a paper and a writing brush. He began to write:
Dear Sun Ce,
I don't think it's a good idea for you to come and see me. It's just not a good time for me.
I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. I just have things that I need to do, I need some
time to be alone.
Love,
Gan Ning
The next four days, there was a reply from Sun Ce:
Dear Gan Ning,
How come? What's wrong? Is it something that I've done wrong?
Please tell me. I need to know.
Love,
Sun Ce
The letters continue to go back and forth between Wu's main camp and the East camp for a month, as each one getting shorter, more intense with disappointments and anger:
Sun Ce,
I just need some space. I have too many things in my mind.
Gan Ning,
What space do you need? I'm a whole fucking state away! How much more space do
you need?! This is going nowhere, tell me what is in your mind. PLEASE!
Sun Ce,
Look, I can't see you for a while, I don't *want* to see you for a while.
Can't you just understand that?
Gan Ning,
You don't want to see me?
Whatever. Have all the fucking space you need.
I won't bother you any more until you tell me what's wrong.
That was the last of the series of letters. Gan Ning stood there looking at the last letter until he came out of his trance. He put down the letter and noticed that his palms were covered in cold sweat and his breathing was a little shallow.
He sat down slowly and tried to work out why he'd just shunned Sun Ce.
'Okay, you and Sun Ce had your first fight as a couple. No big deal, you can work this one out...god, where's Xiao Qiao?!" he thought frantically.
********************************************
It was past midnight and he'd spent the last few hours running through the letters to Xiao Qiao and it hadn't really got him anywhere.
"So he sounded pissed off?"
"Look at how he replied, of course he's pissed off." He put his head in his hands, "Fuck, what am I gonna do Xiao Qiao?"
"I think" Xiao Qiao said trying to keep her head up, "that you should leave him for a bit until you've both cooled down. You didn't *mean* to sound angry, did you?"
"Not at all!" He said looking up at her, "I just didn't want him to see me right now...well, part of me doesn't anyway. I need him here but I don't want to see him. God, how fucked up is this?"
Xiao Qiao leaned over and hugged him lazily.
"Try not to worry about it, just get some rest and I'll help you figure something out in the morning, I'm feeling a little sleepy right now."
Gan Ning nodded, rubbing his eyes sleepily "Okay. Thanks for listening."
"Anytime Gan Ning." Xiao Qiao said, standing up and kissing him on the forehead before walking out of the room.
Gan Ning removed his clothes and got into bed and light up a candle on the table by the bed. He didn't want to get wrapped up in the darkness that haunted his dreams.
Gan Ning sat on a bench near the library. He was due for one of his counselling sessions but he wasn't going to show up, just like last time. The last session hadn't been too successful when he'd stuck his middle finger up at the councillor and walked out. He just didn't need people to tell him what he was supposed to be feeling and he didn't want sympathy, but that's what he got.
He pulled his dark green jacket together as tight as it could go and looked around idly. He had now taken to wearing a protective armor which he wore over his jacket at all times. He couldn't explain it but being covered up helped him feel a little less vulnerable.
The looks he got were cutting through him, just like when people found out about him and Sun Ce before, but this time Sun Ce wasn't there for support. He knew the Wu forces was a close community but how did everyone know? It made him sick at himself and he had a constant feeling of nausea.
He sighed. He didn't have anything to do, just like yesterday and the day before. He'd left the infirmary two days ago when he first woke up and Sun Quan had given him a month off. He should have been out celebrating, what with it being the second day of summer. His birthday.
He'd received several birthday wishes and Xiao Qiao had bought him a pair of black fingerless gloves, which looked similar to the ones he used in battles, but he could wear them casually. He accepted them but he couldn't help but wonder if they were bought partly out of her feeling of guilt. Xiao Qiao hadn't done anything at all though as far as he was concerned, no matter what she thought.
He bought some wine and brought it to his room to drink. He knew he shouldn't drink but stress had eaten away at him and he needed something to keep him from going crazy.
'Does Sun Ce even know it's my birthday?'
He sighed. He wished Sun Ce were here. He wanted to see him so badly, but if he knew that if he saw him he'd feel...well, dirty. He didn't want Sun Ce to know what had happened but he couldn't lie to Sun Ce, never to Sun Ce.
"Gan Ning, you should not drink. It's bad for you at your current condition!"
Gan Ning turned to see Huang Gai waving his arms frantically at him from far and although Gan Ning couldn't see his face properly he was sure it was angry.
"Fine, fine!" Gan Ning said back, equally as angry, throwing the bottle of wine out of the window.
Huang Gai seemed satisfied and walked off.
"God damn it, Huang Gai can kiss my ass."
What was he saying? Since when did he have a grudge against Huang Gai who was concerned about him? He didn't need to answer that question.
"Gan Ning?"
Gan Ning felt a tap on his shoulder and found his bubbly friend standing next to him.
"Hey Xiao Qiao." He said wearily.
Usually this lack lustre behaviour would earn him a playful punch on the shoulder and a little pout but Xiao Qiao only smiled weakly and linked arms with him.
"I don't have a mission today so I thought I'd see you. How are you doing?"
Gan Ning sighed, "Okay I guess. Can we go outside?"
"Sure" Xiao Qiao said a little more happily.
Gan Ning had only come out of his room yesterday, let alone been outside in the fresh air. They strolled out to the fountain and sat on the edge. Gan Ning took his opportunity and took out a bottle of wine.
"Gan Ning...You shouldn't drink that."
"I need something to keep me sane. So far I've only got you and this." He said, gesturing from her to the bottle of wine.
Xiao Qiao looked a little happier at the thought of helping Gan Ning in one way or another.
"Still...Why don't we go training? Or go read up on stuff in the library? It'll keep you busy, and I know how you hate to wallow in your thoughts."
She knew him too well.
"Okay." he said as he stood up, stretching his legs, "But...is the library a non-drinking area?"
He got a light punch for that comment.
"Of course it's not." Xiao Qiao said sarcastically, rolling her eyes at him. "Throw it away."
He threw the bottle into the fountain.
"That's not what I meant...But never mind, let's go." Xiao Qiao said and they walked back inside.
*********************************************
Gan Ning wanted to enter his room as Xiao Qiao, Da Qiao and Lu Xun caught up with him. His birthday hadn't been too bad although he'd refused immediately to make a big thing about it. They'd bought a few bottles of wines and invited Zhou Tai, Sun Quan, Sun Shang Xiang and Taishi Ci, which suited Gan Ning just fine. Now, however, he was tired and wanted to continue blocking out reality for a while longer.
"So, you going to sleep?" Xiao Qiao asked between giggles. She'd drunk a lot and was prone to bursting into hysterics.
"Yeah" Gan Ning yawned, stretching his arms above his head before pushing the door open, "I'm gonna get some sleep."
He hugged the two sisters and wished them goodnight before getting wished a happy birthday by Lu Xun. The three started to walk off down the hall as he went inside but before he could close it Xiao Qiao had pushed it open.
"Gan Ning? If you need anything then look for me, 'kay?" she said, her tone of voice suddenly sober.
Gan Ning smiled, "Thanks Xiao, goodnight" he said before she nodded and ran off to join the others.
Gan Ning locked the door and he sat down on his chair. No sooner had he took off his jacket, there was a knock on the door.
Gan Ning opened the door. It wasn't that late but it was odd to have a messenger to give him a letter at this time of the night. He thanked the messenger and closed the door. He tore open the envelope and looked at the content.
Gan Ning recognised the familiar handwriting and it filled him with both joy and a tight knot in the pit of his stomach. He read the letter:
Dear Gan Ning,
How are you?
'I've never felt more sick at myself and I want to curl up and die...' Gan Ning thought to himself.
I wrote this to wish you Happy Birthday. I am so sorry I couldn't make it down there.
I was thinking that maybe I could go and see you at the end of summer.
I miss you very much. I will be there in the evening. What do you think?
Please reply me as soon as possible.
Love,
Sun Ce
Gan Ning smiled weakly despite himself. He wanted to see Sun Ce...but not yet, he couldn't. Not until he could come to terms with it all himself.
Gan Ning picked up a paper and a writing brush. He began to write:
Dear Sun Ce,
I don't think it's a good idea for you to come and see me. It's just not a good time for me.
I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. I just have things that I need to do, I need some
time to be alone.
Love,
Gan Ning
The next four days, there was a reply from Sun Ce:
Dear Gan Ning,
How come? What's wrong? Is it something that I've done wrong?
Please tell me. I need to know.
Love,
Sun Ce
The letters continue to go back and forth between Wu's main camp and the East camp for a month, as each one getting shorter, more intense with disappointments and anger:
Sun Ce,
I just need some space. I have too many things in my mind.
Gan Ning,
What space do you need? I'm a whole fucking state away! How much more space do
you need?! This is going nowhere, tell me what is in your mind. PLEASE!
Sun Ce,
Look, I can't see you for a while, I don't *want* to see you for a while.
Can't you just understand that?
Gan Ning,
You don't want to see me?
Whatever. Have all the fucking space you need.
I won't bother you any more until you tell me what's wrong.
That was the last of the series of letters. Gan Ning stood there looking at the last letter until he came out of his trance. He put down the letter and noticed that his palms were covered in cold sweat and his breathing was a little shallow.
He sat down slowly and tried to work out why he'd just shunned Sun Ce.
'Okay, you and Sun Ce had your first fight as a couple. No big deal, you can work this one out...god, where's Xiao Qiao?!" he thought frantically.
********************************************
It was past midnight and he'd spent the last few hours running through the letters to Xiao Qiao and it hadn't really got him anywhere.
"So he sounded pissed off?"
"Look at how he replied, of course he's pissed off." He put his head in his hands, "Fuck, what am I gonna do Xiao Qiao?"
"I think" Xiao Qiao said trying to keep her head up, "that you should leave him for a bit until you've both cooled down. You didn't *mean* to sound angry, did you?"
"Not at all!" He said looking up at her, "I just didn't want him to see me right now...well, part of me doesn't anyway. I need him here but I don't want to see him. God, how fucked up is this?"
Xiao Qiao leaned over and hugged him lazily.
"Try not to worry about it, just get some rest and I'll help you figure something out in the morning, I'm feeling a little sleepy right now."
Gan Ning nodded, rubbing his eyes sleepily "Okay. Thanks for listening."
"Anytime Gan Ning." Xiao Qiao said, standing up and kissing him on the forehead before walking out of the room.
Gan Ning removed his clothes and got into bed and light up a candle on the table by the bed. He didn't want to get wrapped up in the darkness that haunted his dreams.