Chapter Twenty-Five - Killing him softly
Gan Ning had sat on his bed for hours, tears running down his cheeks, his eyes stinging. This was a million times worse than when Sun Ce had left, at least then he thought he still had him, still had a pillar of hope to support him...but now he had nothing, nobody at all.
The incident in town combined with Sun Ce's betrayal was all he could take, more than he could get through. How could he do that to him?
His memory drifted to an image of them together, Sun Ce's arm wrapped around him lazily but protectively while Gan Ning grinned happily. He wished that nothing had changed.
"I thought you loved me..." He whispered softly and closed his eyes, not wanting to agonize himself anymore.
He was stupid to think that he meant something to Sun Ce and now he had nothing. He didn't mean anything to anyone, not anymore. He'd have trusted Sun Ce with his life and had given away his love without a thought of repayment, although he got it. But now he'd been proved wrong, not for the first time in his life, about Lord Sun Ce.
He stood up shakily and walked into the bathroom, washing his reddened face before looking into the mirror. He looked aged, aged and weary, but he couldn't see his reflection anymore, it was just a blurred image. All he felt now was an overwhelming sadness and a disgust at himself. He was dirty, nothing more than something to be used. Immense anger for himself flared within and he punched the mirror with all his strength, splintering his reflection and cutting his clenched fist.
He staggered back, the pain shooting up his arm as he held it to his chest. He pulled a shard from between his knuckles, dropping it to the floor. He just didn't care anymore. He ignored the searing pain in his hand, blood flowing from the cuts, and inspected the damage done to the mirror. He found himself opening the door to the cabinet where he stored some medicine, looking idly through the contents.
Cloth wraps, wound healing medicine, some herbs ....sleeping herbs.
He took out the jar and held it in his good hand, inspecting it carefully. He'd been prescribed sleeping herbs by Da Qiao to help combat his insomnia but it didn't help much, it just made him drowsy in the daytime.
He opened the top. Would anyone miss him? No, nobody gave a fuck about him. Xiao Qiao would miss him a little if anything were to happen to him...but that wasn't enough to stop him thinking.
There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel this time, before Sun Ce had been that light but now it had been extinguished and he was alone in the dark. Cold and alone. There had to be something better than this.
He walked into the kitchen, clutching the jar in his left hand while he pressed his right to his chest, his green jacket turning dark crimson, and took a bottle of hard wine out of the cupboard, barely managing to take it with him into the bedroom. A vase smashed on the floor as he placed his armload onto the desk, knocking it over. He fumbled around for a writing brush and paper and sat down as he began to scrawl in messy writing due to his injured hand.
Everyone,
I don't want to feel like this anymore,
I don't want to wake up in the night,
I just want to rest.
He paused, wiping his rapidly filling eyes with the back of his hand and his bloodied hand on his chest.
I'm so tired of being used, but I guess
That's all I'm good for.
He couldn't think of anything else to write so he simply scrawled the word Goodbye messily at the bottom of the page and dropped the brush onto the desk. The paper sat all alone on the polished wood, a few scarlet drops across its surface.
The bed creaked as he sat down, placing the bottle on the table at the side. He poured the contents of the jar into his open palm. There must've been about thirty or forty herbal leaves, but Gan Ning didn't bother to count, he just knew that there were enough. He picked one up, looking at it carefully before placing it in his mouth chewing it down, then another, and another...
He picked up the bottle of hard wine by the bed and swallowed them, the alcohol warming his chest, almost burning it. The bed was soft as he lay down, staring up at the ceiling. Now he could finally sleep, the nightmares wouldn't come back anymore and he could rest. He sighed as his eyelids closed, his head feeling too heavy. It had been so good, back before Sun Ce had gone, was it six months ago that they'd got together? It seemed like they'd been a couple forever...
Before he drifted into his deep sleep his last thoughts were of the secret area, the first time they had kissed. Sun Ce had looked so beautiful then, the moon shining on his perfect profile and the stars strewn across the heavens around them. Despite the anger and sadness that he felt he managed a weak smile, a tear running down his cheek before the darkness consumed him.
Gan Ning had sat on his bed for hours, tears running down his cheeks, his eyes stinging. This was a million times worse than when Sun Ce had left, at least then he thought he still had him, still had a pillar of hope to support him...but now he had nothing, nobody at all.
The incident in town combined with Sun Ce's betrayal was all he could take, more than he could get through. How could he do that to him?
His memory drifted to an image of them together, Sun Ce's arm wrapped around him lazily but protectively while Gan Ning grinned happily. He wished that nothing had changed.
"I thought you loved me..." He whispered softly and closed his eyes, not wanting to agonize himself anymore.
He was stupid to think that he meant something to Sun Ce and now he had nothing. He didn't mean anything to anyone, not anymore. He'd have trusted Sun Ce with his life and had given away his love without a thought of repayment, although he got it. But now he'd been proved wrong, not for the first time in his life, about Lord Sun Ce.
He stood up shakily and walked into the bathroom, washing his reddened face before looking into the mirror. He looked aged, aged and weary, but he couldn't see his reflection anymore, it was just a blurred image. All he felt now was an overwhelming sadness and a disgust at himself. He was dirty, nothing more than something to be used. Immense anger for himself flared within and he punched the mirror with all his strength, splintering his reflection and cutting his clenched fist.
He staggered back, the pain shooting up his arm as he held it to his chest. He pulled a shard from between his knuckles, dropping it to the floor. He just didn't care anymore. He ignored the searing pain in his hand, blood flowing from the cuts, and inspected the damage done to the mirror. He found himself opening the door to the cabinet where he stored some medicine, looking idly through the contents.
Cloth wraps, wound healing medicine, some herbs ....sleeping herbs.
He took out the jar and held it in his good hand, inspecting it carefully. He'd been prescribed sleeping herbs by Da Qiao to help combat his insomnia but it didn't help much, it just made him drowsy in the daytime.
He opened the top. Would anyone miss him? No, nobody gave a fuck about him. Xiao Qiao would miss him a little if anything were to happen to him...but that wasn't enough to stop him thinking.
There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel this time, before Sun Ce had been that light but now it had been extinguished and he was alone in the dark. Cold and alone. There had to be something better than this.
He walked into the kitchen, clutching the jar in his left hand while he pressed his right to his chest, his green jacket turning dark crimson, and took a bottle of hard wine out of the cupboard, barely managing to take it with him into the bedroom. A vase smashed on the floor as he placed his armload onto the desk, knocking it over. He fumbled around for a writing brush and paper and sat down as he began to scrawl in messy writing due to his injured hand.
Everyone,
I don't want to feel like this anymore,
I don't want to wake up in the night,
I just want to rest.
He paused, wiping his rapidly filling eyes with the back of his hand and his bloodied hand on his chest.
I'm so tired of being used, but I guess
That's all I'm good for.
He couldn't think of anything else to write so he simply scrawled the word Goodbye messily at the bottom of the page and dropped the brush onto the desk. The paper sat all alone on the polished wood, a few scarlet drops across its surface.
The bed creaked as he sat down, placing the bottle on the table at the side. He poured the contents of the jar into his open palm. There must've been about thirty or forty herbal leaves, but Gan Ning didn't bother to count, he just knew that there were enough. He picked one up, looking at it carefully before placing it in his mouth chewing it down, then another, and another...
He picked up the bottle of hard wine by the bed and swallowed them, the alcohol warming his chest, almost burning it. The bed was soft as he lay down, staring up at the ceiling. Now he could finally sleep, the nightmares wouldn't come back anymore and he could rest. He sighed as his eyelids closed, his head feeling too heavy. It had been so good, back before Sun Ce had gone, was it six months ago that they'd got together? It seemed like they'd been a couple forever...
Before he drifted into his deep sleep his last thoughts were of the secret area, the first time they had kissed. Sun Ce had looked so beautiful then, the moon shining on his perfect profile and the stars strewn across the heavens around them. Despite the anger and sadness that he felt he managed a weak smile, a tear running down his cheek before the darkness consumed him.