Chapter Twenty Seven - When Love and Hate Collides
Gan Ning arranged the various swords that littered his desk into some semblance of order before walking over to his bed, picking the covers from the floor, and laying them out neatly.
He'd been living at a house in town outside the Wu main camp for a week now, after Sun Quan had requested that he have leave and they'd given him even more time off. As for Xiao Qiao, she had cried so much, even more than before. But Gan Ning didn't feel sad anymore; he didn't really feel anything anymore. He was just an empty shell of who he used to be. He hadn't been on a mission for over two months now and he felt utterly useless, nothing to do but wallow in his thoughts, murky and bleak.
He hadn't wanted to stay outside but he was no use at the main camp. The only time he'd been out of the house was once when he'd gone to get groceries and even then he'd been given knowing looks.
Those looks he got had become a recurring part of his nightmares now, along with the laughing and the darkness...and there was more to them now, a figure standing just out of reach in the corner, his hazel eyes glinting in the lantern's light whilst his red robe swayed in the slight breeze. Sun Ce. He would laugh too, along with the other men who laughed mockingly, glaring down at him. Sometimes he would stay up all night cleaning the swords he kept in his room or reading something, just to stay awake. So he wouldn't have to dream. The consequences of this were that he'd sometimes feel close to fainting and would doze on his feet in the daytime.
He threw his barely touched breakfast and looked around for a vest. After finding one hanging lazily over the arm of a chair he pulled it on and sat down on his bed, he pulled the vest tightly to cover his chest whilst he gazed out the window.
The town hadn't changed since he'd been a boy, just as peaceful as ever. He used to hang out with his pirate buddies in the town after sailing. But now it wasn't the safe haven it had been then, things were different now. If he looked a little to the left he could just about make out the road leading down to the jetty...
"Gan Ning!" The sudden shout outside from a familiar voice pierced the silence of his room and caught Gan Ning off guard.
He opened the door a fraction of an inch and was about to say that he didn't want company when he saw the girl standing at the door.
"Hello Gan Ning"
"Xiao Qiao, what are you doing here?"
He opened the door and let Xiao Qiao in. Xiao Qiao stood looking up at him, a bunch of flowers in one hand and her other arm outstretched, beckoning Gan Ning into a hug. He smiled at her and hugged her for a moment. Xiao Qiao could see that his appearance was visibly different. He had dark patches around his eyes, his hair was messier than usual and his skin looked pale, his frame getting more willowy and less muscular.
"These are for you." She said, holding out the flowers to him, "A little gift from me and the others from the main camp."
He took them, smelling them before replying, "Thanks, they're real nice."
Xiao Qiao smiled at him as she helped him to put the flowers in a vase and started to arrange them.
"I came around to check up on you. How're you doing?"
Gan Ning shrugged "I've been better." That had to be the biggest understatement ever and Xiao Qiao knew it.
She was unusually quiet, her eyes looking around the room as she pawed the ground with her right foot. She looked almost nervous.
"Um, d'you want to go for a walk or something? It'll be good for you. What d'you say?"
Gan Ning looked very sceptical but Xiao Qiao persuaded him without asking, just with the pleading look in her eyes. He gave in.
"Um...Okay."
********************************************
It was a quiet weekend lunchtime so many of the people who resided in town were at home with their families or enjoying the day off, which was a big relief for Gan Ning, as he wanted to avoid crowds at any cost. Despite what he'd thought he was quite happy just sitting with Xiao Qiao in the shade outside their regular restaurant, sipping on aromatic Chinese tea while they caught up on news.
"How's everything at the Wu's camp?"
"Okay I guess..." She paused for a moment, as if to consider if she should continue, "...Sun Ce came looking for you again. I told him you didn't have the time to speak to him, I didn't tell him where you were or that you're taking time off. He said he is staying at a house nearby and to get you to contact him, not that I think you should."
Gan Ning heard the bitter tone in her voice and thought he may have heard the word "asshole" muttered underneath her breath.
"Thanks." Gan Ning said quietly, and he didn't know why he felt a little disappointed at this news.
"Yeah...I've been awful lonely since you went Gan Ning. I can't really talk to the others like I talk to you, you know? I mean, Lu Xun is sweet but he is always busy, Da Qiao is always attending to wounded soldiers and as for Zhou Tai? I could probably get more conversation out of a plank of wood...so how have you been?" she asked, noticing that Gan Ning's attention was starting to slip.
"Hmm...Okay. I just need to get out of this rut I'm in, I just don't feel like my life is going anywhere." he looked off past Xiao Qiao down the quiet cobblestone lane, a vacant look in his eyes.
Xiao Qiao placed her hands on his. "Whatever you need, I'm here right?" she said, smiling at Gan Ning. He smiled back but his eyes didn't join in. His face dropped visibly as he noticed something behind Xiao Qiao.
"Gan Ning? What's wrong?" She turned her head around and the words barely left her lips when she knew exactly what was wrong. It was Sun Ce.
He was standing a few metres away, his expression softer than Xiao Qiao had ever seen it, but that didn't stop Xiao Qiao from throwing him a dirty look before turning back to Gan Ning and taking his hand.
"We can go if you want, I'll walk you home."
They had both just risen from their seats when Sun Ce started towards them, saying Gan Ning's name to catch his attention, but Gan Ning appeared not to notice.
"Gan Ning, you've gotta speak to me."
Xiao Qiao started to walk off, taking Gan Ning with her by the hand. Sun Ce pursued them.
"Please Gan Ning, just for a moment?" Sun Ce sounded desperate, pleading with him.
Gan Ning stopped. Xiao Qiao looked at him, urging him to walk but he didn't. He simply turned around and looked at Sun ce. There was no use running away from him anymore.
"What d'you want?"
Sun Ce cautiously walked the few steps between them until he and Gan Ning were a foot apart. Gan Ning shot Xiao Qiao a passing look. She got the message and walked several metres away, sitting herself down on a low nearby wall.
"I want to explain myself Gan Ning, I don't want things to be like this anymore."
"*You* don't want things to be like this anymore? And you think that I do?!" Gan Ning asked hotly, his eyes narrowed.
"I'm not saying that, I just want you to hear me out, just listen to me please?"
"What good's that gonna do? Nothing you say is going to change anything. I *saw* everything I need to know." he finished with a pained face.
"Please Gan Ning..."
"Please what? I don't wanna put up with this bullshit anymore Sun Ce."
Sun Ce put a hand on Gan Ning's shoulder. "Gan Ning I am *so* sorry about everything, but I want to make things work, please trust me-"
His hand was pushed away with one fluid movement. "Trust you? *TRUST* you?! How can you even ask me to do that? You have *no* idea what I've been through. You have no fucking clue about what I'm feeling..."
"I will if you tell me, please Gan Ning, I just want to put everything behind us..."
"You want me to tell you?" Gan Ning asked in a dangerously calm voice, "You want me to tell you how they raped me?" He edged closer to Sun Ce.
"Gan Ning..."
"No, you wanna know what it was like to scream out and for no-one to come help me? Do you wanna know how fucking..." he hesitated, spitting out the next word, "...*filthy* I felt afterwards? I refused to contact you because I didn't want you to see me like that but I guess it wouldn't have mattered because you DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK."
Sun Ce flinched slightly as Gan Ning shouted at him. Xiao Qiao jumped a little too. She'd never seen Gan Ning so worked up, but then again she wasn't going to stop him...
"Gan Ning, I do, I care so fucking much..." he reached out another hand and placed it down Gan Ning's cheek.
Gan Ning's eyes widened. That touch had been so familiar that it hurt; it ached that he wouldn't let himself have it again. In a second Sun Ce was pinned against the wall, Gan Ning's grip tight on his throat. Sun Ce tried to prize the fingers away but to no avail, Gan Ning may have been shorter than him but he was kidding himself if he thought he was stronger. After a few seconds Sun Ce gave up, his hands dropping to his sides.
"You don't, Sun Ce...You used me, just like everybody else." he put on a pained smile, his grip never faltering. "I bet you enjoyed it didn't you? I bet you loved the way I told you how much it meant to me after you *fucked* me, didn't you?"
Sun Ce watched Gan Ning's face. It gave him so much pain to see Gan Ning like this, turning him away again.
"Yeah" Gan Ning continued, "I bet you and Zhou Yu had a real laugh over it, building me up just so you can knock me down." His face suddenly turned deadly serious, "Well I'll tell you what *Lord* Sun Ce" he said his name with the utmost slowness, "It worked."
He stared deeply into Sun Ce's eyes, the moment seeming to last for eternity, and then he released him, walking towards where Xiao Qiao sat observing from afar.
Sun Ce rubbed his neck, trying to get his voice back. "I didn't do that at all, I never meant to hurt you."
"Well you did." Gan Ning said bluntly, helping Xiao Qiao up and turning to walk back home.
"Gan Ning, I'm lost without you." Sun Ce said, and his voice was tinged with such desperation that Xiao Qiao had never heard before that it made her almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Gan Ning turned back to face him one last time and shrugged. "Well, I don't know Sun Ce. I'm sure you and Zhou Yu could work something out. Go buy a map or something." He glared at him and carried on walking, Xiao Qiao squeezing his hand reassuringly, not saying a word.
Deep inside, Xiao Qiao couldn't believed that the other man who was with Sun Ce, was actually Zhou Yu. She did have feelings for Zhou Yu before she was interested in Gan Ning. Besides, Zhou Yu seemed to be really quiet in front of her. She thought maybe he was not interested with her at all but now she knows why.
As they walked off out of sight Sun Ce slumped against the wall, sinking to the floor.
************************************************
"God, it's late already." Xiao Qiao said looking out at the dark sky, "I'd better go."
She made to stand up but was pulled back down onto the bed beside Gan Ning. "You're not going back to main camp on your own at this time of night, stay here, you can tell Da Qiao tomorrow."
"Gan Ning, I'll be fine." But when she looked in his eyes she saw that he was sensitive about this issue. "...Okay. But only if you really don't mind, 'kay?"
Gan Ning smiled sleepily, "Of course not, I am happy about you coming to see me." He yawned, stretching out his arms.
"Gan Ning, you look shattered. Get to bed, I'll go sleep in the room next door if that's okay."
Sleep. It was something Gan Ning longed for and was terrified by all at the same time.
"You can if you want but I won't be sleeping for a while."
Xiao Qiao sighed. There was no way she was going to persuade him otherwise.
"Fine, goodnight Gan Ning. *Please* try and get a bit of sleep, 'kay?"
Gan Ning nodded and waved her off, shutting the door behind him. He couldn't sleep right now, although his body was crying out for it. He had too many things buzzing around in his head, filling all his thoughts. It was going to be a long night...
Gan Ning arranged the various swords that littered his desk into some semblance of order before walking over to his bed, picking the covers from the floor, and laying them out neatly.
He'd been living at a house in town outside the Wu main camp for a week now, after Sun Quan had requested that he have leave and they'd given him even more time off. As for Xiao Qiao, she had cried so much, even more than before. But Gan Ning didn't feel sad anymore; he didn't really feel anything anymore. He was just an empty shell of who he used to be. He hadn't been on a mission for over two months now and he felt utterly useless, nothing to do but wallow in his thoughts, murky and bleak.
He hadn't wanted to stay outside but he was no use at the main camp. The only time he'd been out of the house was once when he'd gone to get groceries and even then he'd been given knowing looks.
Those looks he got had become a recurring part of his nightmares now, along with the laughing and the darkness...and there was more to them now, a figure standing just out of reach in the corner, his hazel eyes glinting in the lantern's light whilst his red robe swayed in the slight breeze. Sun Ce. He would laugh too, along with the other men who laughed mockingly, glaring down at him. Sometimes he would stay up all night cleaning the swords he kept in his room or reading something, just to stay awake. So he wouldn't have to dream. The consequences of this were that he'd sometimes feel close to fainting and would doze on his feet in the daytime.
He threw his barely touched breakfast and looked around for a vest. After finding one hanging lazily over the arm of a chair he pulled it on and sat down on his bed, he pulled the vest tightly to cover his chest whilst he gazed out the window.
The town hadn't changed since he'd been a boy, just as peaceful as ever. He used to hang out with his pirate buddies in the town after sailing. But now it wasn't the safe haven it had been then, things were different now. If he looked a little to the left he could just about make out the road leading down to the jetty...
"Gan Ning!" The sudden shout outside from a familiar voice pierced the silence of his room and caught Gan Ning off guard.
He opened the door a fraction of an inch and was about to say that he didn't want company when he saw the girl standing at the door.
"Hello Gan Ning"
"Xiao Qiao, what are you doing here?"
He opened the door and let Xiao Qiao in. Xiao Qiao stood looking up at him, a bunch of flowers in one hand and her other arm outstretched, beckoning Gan Ning into a hug. He smiled at her and hugged her for a moment. Xiao Qiao could see that his appearance was visibly different. He had dark patches around his eyes, his hair was messier than usual and his skin looked pale, his frame getting more willowy and less muscular.
"These are for you." She said, holding out the flowers to him, "A little gift from me and the others from the main camp."
He took them, smelling them before replying, "Thanks, they're real nice."
Xiao Qiao smiled at him as she helped him to put the flowers in a vase and started to arrange them.
"I came around to check up on you. How're you doing?"
Gan Ning shrugged "I've been better." That had to be the biggest understatement ever and Xiao Qiao knew it.
She was unusually quiet, her eyes looking around the room as she pawed the ground with her right foot. She looked almost nervous.
"Um, d'you want to go for a walk or something? It'll be good for you. What d'you say?"
Gan Ning looked very sceptical but Xiao Qiao persuaded him without asking, just with the pleading look in her eyes. He gave in.
"Um...Okay."
********************************************
It was a quiet weekend lunchtime so many of the people who resided in town were at home with their families or enjoying the day off, which was a big relief for Gan Ning, as he wanted to avoid crowds at any cost. Despite what he'd thought he was quite happy just sitting with Xiao Qiao in the shade outside their regular restaurant, sipping on aromatic Chinese tea while they caught up on news.
"How's everything at the Wu's camp?"
"Okay I guess..." She paused for a moment, as if to consider if she should continue, "...Sun Ce came looking for you again. I told him you didn't have the time to speak to him, I didn't tell him where you were or that you're taking time off. He said he is staying at a house nearby and to get you to contact him, not that I think you should."
Gan Ning heard the bitter tone in her voice and thought he may have heard the word "asshole" muttered underneath her breath.
"Thanks." Gan Ning said quietly, and he didn't know why he felt a little disappointed at this news.
"Yeah...I've been awful lonely since you went Gan Ning. I can't really talk to the others like I talk to you, you know? I mean, Lu Xun is sweet but he is always busy, Da Qiao is always attending to wounded soldiers and as for Zhou Tai? I could probably get more conversation out of a plank of wood...so how have you been?" she asked, noticing that Gan Ning's attention was starting to slip.
"Hmm...Okay. I just need to get out of this rut I'm in, I just don't feel like my life is going anywhere." he looked off past Xiao Qiao down the quiet cobblestone lane, a vacant look in his eyes.
Xiao Qiao placed her hands on his. "Whatever you need, I'm here right?" she said, smiling at Gan Ning. He smiled back but his eyes didn't join in. His face dropped visibly as he noticed something behind Xiao Qiao.
"Gan Ning? What's wrong?" She turned her head around and the words barely left her lips when she knew exactly what was wrong. It was Sun Ce.
He was standing a few metres away, his expression softer than Xiao Qiao had ever seen it, but that didn't stop Xiao Qiao from throwing him a dirty look before turning back to Gan Ning and taking his hand.
"We can go if you want, I'll walk you home."
They had both just risen from their seats when Sun Ce started towards them, saying Gan Ning's name to catch his attention, but Gan Ning appeared not to notice.
"Gan Ning, you've gotta speak to me."
Xiao Qiao started to walk off, taking Gan Ning with her by the hand. Sun Ce pursued them.
"Please Gan Ning, just for a moment?" Sun Ce sounded desperate, pleading with him.
Gan Ning stopped. Xiao Qiao looked at him, urging him to walk but he didn't. He simply turned around and looked at Sun ce. There was no use running away from him anymore.
"What d'you want?"
Sun Ce cautiously walked the few steps between them until he and Gan Ning were a foot apart. Gan Ning shot Xiao Qiao a passing look. She got the message and walked several metres away, sitting herself down on a low nearby wall.
"I want to explain myself Gan Ning, I don't want things to be like this anymore."
"*You* don't want things to be like this anymore? And you think that I do?!" Gan Ning asked hotly, his eyes narrowed.
"I'm not saying that, I just want you to hear me out, just listen to me please?"
"What good's that gonna do? Nothing you say is going to change anything. I *saw* everything I need to know." he finished with a pained face.
"Please Gan Ning..."
"Please what? I don't wanna put up with this bullshit anymore Sun Ce."
Sun Ce put a hand on Gan Ning's shoulder. "Gan Ning I am *so* sorry about everything, but I want to make things work, please trust me-"
His hand was pushed away with one fluid movement. "Trust you? *TRUST* you?! How can you even ask me to do that? You have *no* idea what I've been through. You have no fucking clue about what I'm feeling..."
"I will if you tell me, please Gan Ning, I just want to put everything behind us..."
"You want me to tell you?" Gan Ning asked in a dangerously calm voice, "You want me to tell you how they raped me?" He edged closer to Sun Ce.
"Gan Ning..."
"No, you wanna know what it was like to scream out and for no-one to come help me? Do you wanna know how fucking..." he hesitated, spitting out the next word, "...*filthy* I felt afterwards? I refused to contact you because I didn't want you to see me like that but I guess it wouldn't have mattered because you DON'T REALLY GIVE A FUCK."
Sun Ce flinched slightly as Gan Ning shouted at him. Xiao Qiao jumped a little too. She'd never seen Gan Ning so worked up, but then again she wasn't going to stop him...
"Gan Ning, I do, I care so fucking much..." he reached out another hand and placed it down Gan Ning's cheek.
Gan Ning's eyes widened. That touch had been so familiar that it hurt; it ached that he wouldn't let himself have it again. In a second Sun Ce was pinned against the wall, Gan Ning's grip tight on his throat. Sun Ce tried to prize the fingers away but to no avail, Gan Ning may have been shorter than him but he was kidding himself if he thought he was stronger. After a few seconds Sun Ce gave up, his hands dropping to his sides.
"You don't, Sun Ce...You used me, just like everybody else." he put on a pained smile, his grip never faltering. "I bet you enjoyed it didn't you? I bet you loved the way I told you how much it meant to me after you *fucked* me, didn't you?"
Sun Ce watched Gan Ning's face. It gave him so much pain to see Gan Ning like this, turning him away again.
"Yeah" Gan Ning continued, "I bet you and Zhou Yu had a real laugh over it, building me up just so you can knock me down." His face suddenly turned deadly serious, "Well I'll tell you what *Lord* Sun Ce" he said his name with the utmost slowness, "It worked."
He stared deeply into Sun Ce's eyes, the moment seeming to last for eternity, and then he released him, walking towards where Xiao Qiao sat observing from afar.
Sun Ce rubbed his neck, trying to get his voice back. "I didn't do that at all, I never meant to hurt you."
"Well you did." Gan Ning said bluntly, helping Xiao Qiao up and turning to walk back home.
"Gan Ning, I'm lost without you." Sun Ce said, and his voice was tinged with such desperation that Xiao Qiao had never heard before that it made her almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Gan Ning turned back to face him one last time and shrugged. "Well, I don't know Sun Ce. I'm sure you and Zhou Yu could work something out. Go buy a map or something." He glared at him and carried on walking, Xiao Qiao squeezing his hand reassuringly, not saying a word.
Deep inside, Xiao Qiao couldn't believed that the other man who was with Sun Ce, was actually Zhou Yu. She did have feelings for Zhou Yu before she was interested in Gan Ning. Besides, Zhou Yu seemed to be really quiet in front of her. She thought maybe he was not interested with her at all but now she knows why.
As they walked off out of sight Sun Ce slumped against the wall, sinking to the floor.
************************************************
"God, it's late already." Xiao Qiao said looking out at the dark sky, "I'd better go."
She made to stand up but was pulled back down onto the bed beside Gan Ning. "You're not going back to main camp on your own at this time of night, stay here, you can tell Da Qiao tomorrow."
"Gan Ning, I'll be fine." But when she looked in his eyes she saw that he was sensitive about this issue. "...Okay. But only if you really don't mind, 'kay?"
Gan Ning smiled sleepily, "Of course not, I am happy about you coming to see me." He yawned, stretching out his arms.
"Gan Ning, you look shattered. Get to bed, I'll go sleep in the room next door if that's okay."
Sleep. It was something Gan Ning longed for and was terrified by all at the same time.
"You can if you want but I won't be sleeping for a while."
Xiao Qiao sighed. There was no way she was going to persuade him otherwise.
"Fine, goodnight Gan Ning. *Please* try and get a bit of sleep, 'kay?"
Gan Ning nodded and waved her off, shutting the door behind him. He couldn't sleep right now, although his body was crying out for it. He had too many things buzzing around in his head, filling all his thoughts. It was going to be a long night...