Chapter Twenty-Eight - As the Moonlight Shines
Gan Ning sat by his window, the only light in his room coming from the candle at the side, the candle's smoke lingering around him in ghostly patterns. It was past midnight and although he'd taken Xiao Qiao's advice and had tried to sleep he kept waking up, so he'd stopped trying. He'd also stopped kidding himself that he could take much more of this loneliness.
Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated? He was aware of the changes he'd gone through. He couldn't remember any of his good memories, he was only aware of the bleak emotionless desert that he was wandering through, which stretched out across the horizon. He couldn't even think about the times he and Sun Ce had been happy, they only reminded him of what he'd lost. Losing sucked.
His stomach growled. He hadn't eaten a proper meal in over two days now and it was showing, his face losing its natural radiance, his energy waning. He reluctantly kicked the covers off his feet and walked across his bedroom, opening the door quietly and tiptoeing to the kitchen.
The light of the candle in the kitchen cast strange shadows across his cheekbones as he looked for some food, finally taking out some leftover sweet potato soup from a pot and rummaging through a nearby drawer for a spoon. Unfortunately several pieces of cutlery fell to the cold stone floor, clanging loudly. He stood still, wondering if he'd woken Xiao Qiao up and then considered if he even cared. As it turned out he had.
There was a rustling from the next room and Xiao Qiao walked through the door, a navy blue blanket wrapped around her, her hair in disarray.
"WhatchadoinGanNing?" She asked sleepily, her words slurring together as she rubbed her eyes.
"Sorry, I'm kinda hungry." Gan Ning replied shrugging, turning back to the stove and picking up the pot of soup, pouring it in a bowl slowly.
"Oh..." she replied, her eyes starting to look vaguely normal, opening out from their narrow slits, "Can I have a bowl of that too?"
Gan Ning turned without a word and poured the soup into another bowl, handing it to her with his spoon.
"Doncha need this?" She asked, offering it back.
"Nah" Gan Ning replied, dipping his finger into his soup and spooning the potatoes into his mouth.
Xiao Qiao smiled back at him. Some of Gan Ning's strange eating habits were still there, no matter how different he'd been acting.
"Couldn't sleep huh?" She asked between mouthfuls of potatoes.
"Nope..." Gan Ning replied quietly.
Xiao Qiao looked over at him and noticed that he was shivering. Not surprising really, considering that he was only wearing his pants and an oversized vest-top, which hung from his slender body unnaturally. He was definitely getting thinner.
"Gan Ning, you're gonna freeze. Come with me." She beckoned him to his room and he followed her in.
When inside they both sat down on the bed, leaning against the wall, and she spread the blanket she had on over them both.
"Better?"
Gan Ning nodded, finishing the last of his potato soup and putting the empty bowl at the side. Xiao Qiao did the same, clutching her knees to her chest for warmth afterwards.
She sighed, "You need to speak to someone, Gan Ning."
Gan Ning turned away, looking out of the window. "What good is it? Hasn't helped me before."
"That's because you never gave it a chance." Xiao Qiao said in a mildly annoyed voice.
Gan Ning's shoulders slumped down on the wall and he rest his head on his knees, still gazing out of the window blankly. "Like it matters..."
She ruffled his hair softly with one hand "It does Gan Ning...it matters so much. I don't like seeing you like this, it's like you've gone, as if you-"
"-Died?" Gan Ning questioned, turning to face her.
Xiao Qiao's gaze faltered and she looked down as she fumbled with the blanket. "Yes..."
"I may as well have died" Gan Ning said bleakly, "I am just a pirate. It's not like I have anything to live for anymore...anyone who cares for me, loves me..." he trailed off.
Xiao Qiao looked across at his pained expression, placing her hand on his cheek.
"You've got me." she said quietly, a strange sad glimmer in her eyes.
This caused Gan Ning to sit straight up, watching her face with some confusion. Why had he been so blind? Xiao Qiao had been with him through everything, ever since the beginning, before Sun Ce had become a main part of his life. She'd supported him, had been there every second he'd been recovering and she had never asked for a thing in return. Not one single thought of repayment.
The few seconds they sat looking at each other, their faces mere inches apart, seemed to last forever. The moon's dying rays illuminated Xiao Qiao's face, making her light brown hair shine and her face glow. She looked like his guardian angel, so innocent and pure. It was Gan Ning who closed the gap between them.
Their lips touched for just a second, as if it were forbidden, until Xiao Qiao leaned into it, giving up everything she had to him.
Just as she always did. Just like she always would.
He kissed back, a little too urgently, his arms wrapping around her, holding her close. He'd had too much pain in the past, too many people betraying him, but Xiao Qiao had never left his side, not through all the time she'd known him.
He felt slender fingers at the back of his neck, running upwards through his short spiky hairs. He did the same, running his hand through her hair with deliberate slowness. If he tried hard enough to imagine he could almost feel the soft dark brown hairs on his fingertips. He could almost smell him, taste the familiar cinnamon. He slipped away Xiao Qiao's robe to reveal her neck and nearly exposing her breasts. He kissed the smooth surface of her neck. He heard a soft moan but it seemed to come from far away. He didn't recognise it; it was like the mewling of a kitten, soft and high-pitched.
He pulled away, inhaling sharply as he realised what he was doing, and whom he imagined he was with. He blinked, his eyelashes fluttering rapidly, staring into Xiao Qiao's restless, confused eyes.
"W..What's wrong?" she asked slowly, her thumb tracing Gan Ning's bottom lip.
He sighed, taking the hand from his face slowly and placing it on his chest.
"I still love him..."
His voice didn't shake like he thought it would, and his whispered words echoed loudly off the walls and ceiling of the quiet room...and around Xiao Qiao's aching heart.
It ached so much to have to back away after that one taste, after striving to be by his side no matter what, just to make him happy. She should've known by now.
'Love knows no faults...'
Not that Xiao Qiao thought that Gan Ning had faults, far from it, but there was always someone who had made Gan Ning's face glow with happiness, his eyes light up that little bit brighter. She could never compare to that someone, but she stayed with him all the same, one thing guiding her on.
Hope.
Maybe a part of her wanted Gan Ning to fall out of love with Sun Ce, but she couldn't stand seeing him so fragile, so weak. It was unnatural. And despite what Sun Ce had done Gan Ning saw no faults, he loved him still...
How could she have thought that things could change? Maybe she didn't, maybe she just didn't want to admit it.
"I'm sorry Xiao..." Gan Ning whispered, his eyes searching for some sign of acceptance.
Xiao Qiao swallowed, chewing on her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. She gripped the hand that held her own to Gan Ning's chest, breathing in deeply as she felt his heart beat.
"Don't be sorry." Xiao Qiao said sadly, "after all, you can't help who you fall in love with, can you?"
Gan Ning heard the double meaning to her words. He looked down at their hands, fingers tangled together.
"No...I guess you can't," he murmured, his words edged with a certain finality. His mind was made up.
They sat there a moment, their steady breathing the only sound they could hear. Xiao Qiao watched Gan Ning as he ran his index finger along the soft material of the blanket, lost in thought.
"What should I do?" he asked eventually, his head still hung and his gaze on the soft material.
Xiao Qiao adjusted her robe. She didn't know how she managed to smile while her insides seemed determined to exit her body, but she did.
"Do what makes you happy."
He looked up then. He didn't want to leave Xiao Qiao like this; after all she'd done for him. "But Xia-"
"Ssh..." she whispered, placing a finger on his lips to silence him. "All I want is for you to be happy." And she was surprised to find that she actually meant it, with all her heart. She took in a breath loudly; inhaling and exhaling steadily before continuing, "Find him. Be happy."
Xiao Qiao didn't know what to say as she looked back at him, running the back of her hand down his cheek as a sign of affection. He simply wrapped his arms around her and hugged her. He couldn't sum up everything that he wanted to say, he couldn't find the right words so he said it simply, his tone genuine.
"Thank you, Xiao Qiao...for everything."
Xiao Qiao nodded, her chin resting on his shoulder. She was glad that Gan Ning couldn't see her face as she tried desperately to fight back the tears, but to no avail. One ran down her cheek, glistening in the first weak orange rays of the rising sun.
She may not have him, but he'd always have her. No matter what.
Gan Ning sat by his window, the only light in his room coming from the candle at the side, the candle's smoke lingering around him in ghostly patterns. It was past midnight and although he'd taken Xiao Qiao's advice and had tried to sleep he kept waking up, so he'd stopped trying. He'd also stopped kidding himself that he could take much more of this loneliness.
Why did everything have to be so fucking complicated? He was aware of the changes he'd gone through. He couldn't remember any of his good memories, he was only aware of the bleak emotionless desert that he was wandering through, which stretched out across the horizon. He couldn't even think about the times he and Sun Ce had been happy, they only reminded him of what he'd lost. Losing sucked.
His stomach growled. He hadn't eaten a proper meal in over two days now and it was showing, his face losing its natural radiance, his energy waning. He reluctantly kicked the covers off his feet and walked across his bedroom, opening the door quietly and tiptoeing to the kitchen.
The light of the candle in the kitchen cast strange shadows across his cheekbones as he looked for some food, finally taking out some leftover sweet potato soup from a pot and rummaging through a nearby drawer for a spoon. Unfortunately several pieces of cutlery fell to the cold stone floor, clanging loudly. He stood still, wondering if he'd woken Xiao Qiao up and then considered if he even cared. As it turned out he had.
There was a rustling from the next room and Xiao Qiao walked through the door, a navy blue blanket wrapped around her, her hair in disarray.
"WhatchadoinGanNing?" She asked sleepily, her words slurring together as she rubbed her eyes.
"Sorry, I'm kinda hungry." Gan Ning replied shrugging, turning back to the stove and picking up the pot of soup, pouring it in a bowl slowly.
"Oh..." she replied, her eyes starting to look vaguely normal, opening out from their narrow slits, "Can I have a bowl of that too?"
Gan Ning turned without a word and poured the soup into another bowl, handing it to her with his spoon.
"Doncha need this?" She asked, offering it back.
"Nah" Gan Ning replied, dipping his finger into his soup and spooning the potatoes into his mouth.
Xiao Qiao smiled back at him. Some of Gan Ning's strange eating habits were still there, no matter how different he'd been acting.
"Couldn't sleep huh?" She asked between mouthfuls of potatoes.
"Nope..." Gan Ning replied quietly.
Xiao Qiao looked over at him and noticed that he was shivering. Not surprising really, considering that he was only wearing his pants and an oversized vest-top, which hung from his slender body unnaturally. He was definitely getting thinner.
"Gan Ning, you're gonna freeze. Come with me." She beckoned him to his room and he followed her in.
When inside they both sat down on the bed, leaning against the wall, and she spread the blanket she had on over them both.
"Better?"
Gan Ning nodded, finishing the last of his potato soup and putting the empty bowl at the side. Xiao Qiao did the same, clutching her knees to her chest for warmth afterwards.
She sighed, "You need to speak to someone, Gan Ning."
Gan Ning turned away, looking out of the window. "What good is it? Hasn't helped me before."
"That's because you never gave it a chance." Xiao Qiao said in a mildly annoyed voice.
Gan Ning's shoulders slumped down on the wall and he rest his head on his knees, still gazing out of the window blankly. "Like it matters..."
She ruffled his hair softly with one hand "It does Gan Ning...it matters so much. I don't like seeing you like this, it's like you've gone, as if you-"
"-Died?" Gan Ning questioned, turning to face her.
Xiao Qiao's gaze faltered and she looked down as she fumbled with the blanket. "Yes..."
"I may as well have died" Gan Ning said bleakly, "I am just a pirate. It's not like I have anything to live for anymore...anyone who cares for me, loves me..." he trailed off.
Xiao Qiao looked across at his pained expression, placing her hand on his cheek.
"You've got me." she said quietly, a strange sad glimmer in her eyes.
This caused Gan Ning to sit straight up, watching her face with some confusion. Why had he been so blind? Xiao Qiao had been with him through everything, ever since the beginning, before Sun Ce had become a main part of his life. She'd supported him, had been there every second he'd been recovering and she had never asked for a thing in return. Not one single thought of repayment.
The few seconds they sat looking at each other, their faces mere inches apart, seemed to last forever. The moon's dying rays illuminated Xiao Qiao's face, making her light brown hair shine and her face glow. She looked like his guardian angel, so innocent and pure. It was Gan Ning who closed the gap between them.
Their lips touched for just a second, as if it were forbidden, until Xiao Qiao leaned into it, giving up everything she had to him.
Just as she always did. Just like she always would.
He kissed back, a little too urgently, his arms wrapping around her, holding her close. He'd had too much pain in the past, too many people betraying him, but Xiao Qiao had never left his side, not through all the time she'd known him.
He felt slender fingers at the back of his neck, running upwards through his short spiky hairs. He did the same, running his hand through her hair with deliberate slowness. If he tried hard enough to imagine he could almost feel the soft dark brown hairs on his fingertips. He could almost smell him, taste the familiar cinnamon. He slipped away Xiao Qiao's robe to reveal her neck and nearly exposing her breasts. He kissed the smooth surface of her neck. He heard a soft moan but it seemed to come from far away. He didn't recognise it; it was like the mewling of a kitten, soft and high-pitched.
He pulled away, inhaling sharply as he realised what he was doing, and whom he imagined he was with. He blinked, his eyelashes fluttering rapidly, staring into Xiao Qiao's restless, confused eyes.
"W..What's wrong?" she asked slowly, her thumb tracing Gan Ning's bottom lip.
He sighed, taking the hand from his face slowly and placing it on his chest.
"I still love him..."
His voice didn't shake like he thought it would, and his whispered words echoed loudly off the walls and ceiling of the quiet room...and around Xiao Qiao's aching heart.
It ached so much to have to back away after that one taste, after striving to be by his side no matter what, just to make him happy. She should've known by now.
'Love knows no faults...'
Not that Xiao Qiao thought that Gan Ning had faults, far from it, but there was always someone who had made Gan Ning's face glow with happiness, his eyes light up that little bit brighter. She could never compare to that someone, but she stayed with him all the same, one thing guiding her on.
Hope.
Maybe a part of her wanted Gan Ning to fall out of love with Sun Ce, but she couldn't stand seeing him so fragile, so weak. It was unnatural. And despite what Sun Ce had done Gan Ning saw no faults, he loved him still...
How could she have thought that things could change? Maybe she didn't, maybe she just didn't want to admit it.
"I'm sorry Xiao..." Gan Ning whispered, his eyes searching for some sign of acceptance.
Xiao Qiao swallowed, chewing on her bottom lip to keep it from quivering. She gripped the hand that held her own to Gan Ning's chest, breathing in deeply as she felt his heart beat.
"Don't be sorry." Xiao Qiao said sadly, "after all, you can't help who you fall in love with, can you?"
Gan Ning heard the double meaning to her words. He looked down at their hands, fingers tangled together.
"No...I guess you can't," he murmured, his words edged with a certain finality. His mind was made up.
They sat there a moment, their steady breathing the only sound they could hear. Xiao Qiao watched Gan Ning as he ran his index finger along the soft material of the blanket, lost in thought.
"What should I do?" he asked eventually, his head still hung and his gaze on the soft material.
Xiao Qiao adjusted her robe. She didn't know how she managed to smile while her insides seemed determined to exit her body, but she did.
"Do what makes you happy."
He looked up then. He didn't want to leave Xiao Qiao like this; after all she'd done for him. "But Xia-"
"Ssh..." she whispered, placing a finger on his lips to silence him. "All I want is for you to be happy." And she was surprised to find that she actually meant it, with all her heart. She took in a breath loudly; inhaling and exhaling steadily before continuing, "Find him. Be happy."
Xiao Qiao didn't know what to say as she looked back at him, running the back of her hand down his cheek as a sign of affection. He simply wrapped his arms around her and hugged her. He couldn't sum up everything that he wanted to say, he couldn't find the right words so he said it simply, his tone genuine.
"Thank you, Xiao Qiao...for everything."
Xiao Qiao nodded, her chin resting on his shoulder. She was glad that Gan Ning couldn't see her face as she tried desperately to fight back the tears, but to no avail. One ran down her cheek, glistening in the first weak orange rays of the rising sun.
She may not have him, but he'd always have her. No matter what.